Original subtitles

- Previously on - The Hard Times Of RJ Berger.

I've never really had a zit before.

Ever?

I'm sure you have so much in common

with that vapid cooze Jenny.

- Do you have Lady Gaga? - Or Katy Perry?

I don't have... those.

- Awww! - Whoa.

This place is dangerous, Berger.

No wonder why I never come in here.

Good one, Max.

Every once in a while

Max remembers the school has a library,

so I'm forced to study with Miles.

Hey, does sex feel like this?

Or like this?

In times like these,

I normally consider my home

a fortress of studious solitude,

but ever since my parents split,

I feel like my world's been splitting with them.

All those channels for free?

Even the dirty ones?

Whoever will I watch them with?

Can I get you some wine?

They say divorce turns parents into children

and children into parents.

Come on, God, give Ricky some boob tube.

What they don't tell you

is that it turns everyone into train wrecks.

What are we watching?

Only channel the motel gets.

And this particular train

has wrecked right into my grades.

I'm disappointed, RJ.

That's the third straight decline.

But a big fat "A" for you, Miles.

Thanks.

My name is RJ Berger,

and my life is literally rotting my brain.

Mrs. K really boils the man gravy, huh?

Ah, she's the hottest sub ever.

I'm gonna miss her.

These grades don't make any sense.

Did you even study for this?

Hells no!

I don't even know what this test is about!

Eyes up front please.

You don't have to ask me twice, Mrs. K.

So you plan on getting in Jenny's pink

sometime this century?

- I don't know. - I guess so.

- "I guess so"? - Are you nuts?

You've been wanting to lay strings across that mug

since you were a kid.

It's your destiny.

Honestly, Miles, I don't know anymore.

Jenny's been really weird lately.

First there was the lock-in,

then the whole zit incident.

And now, on top of that, my grades are dropping

like a...

like a...

Nothing. I got nothing.

Dude, who cares?

It's time for you to stop thinking and start boning.

Mr. Jenner.

Oh, crap.

Miles, please come and see me

during my free period.

RJ, hey, wait up.

Hey.

Hey, Mr. Mopey.

Guess what?

My parents are going out of town Friday.

You know what that means.

Yeah, assuming I'm ever allowed

out of the apartment again.

What?

I'm practically flunking all of my classes,

and I just found out that my parents

are coming in for a crisis meeting about my grades.

I'm sure you'll find a way to fix it.

They haven't been in the same room together in weeks,

and the first time they do,

it's to discuss their idiot son.

Maybe it'll be good for them to see each other.

Good for them to see each other?

It is going to be a battle royale.

It's gonna be a bloodbath! It's...

It's gonna be, fine, RJ.

Look, I'm sorry.

I know you've had a tough few weeks.

I mean, we kind of hit our own little rough patch.

That's why I want to make Friday night really special.

Me and you are finally gonna lose our virginity.

- Our virginity. - Can't wait.

There's more where that came from.

Oh, so now it's my fault

that he can't study at your flea bag hooker motel.

Mom, dad, please!

Don't tell me there aren't hookers there,

because we used to pick them up together.

Mr. And Mrs. Berger!

This is a counselor-parent meeting.

Save that crap for Montel.

Sorry.

Yeah.

Now, I called you in today because it's apparent...

No, I take that back.

It's friggin' obvious that RJ's home life

is affecting his grades.

Well...

I'm putting RJ on academic probation.

RJ, you're gonna be meeting in the library

for tutoring three days a week, effective immediately.

- What? - No, no, no, but... But...

- Butts are for toilet seats, - Berger.

Now I'm gonna be checking in with his... teachers daily...

and... and reporting back to you regularly.

In the meantime, you two keep that crap bottled up

when you're around his impressionable young mind.

Fine.

Try and tone it down.

I, uh, appreciate you coming in, Mrs. Berger.

Well, thank you, coach Sinclair.

It's nice to know there are still a few gentlemen

left in the world.

You're welcome.

And, please, call me Jeriba.

Jeriba.

Mm-hmm.

♪ Call the doctor

♪ Check my pulse

♪ Something hit me

♪ Like a cannonball

♪ Ears are ringing but I

♪ Feel no pain

♪ Just a sweet sensation

♪ Running through my veins

♪ You got me love shot honey ♪

♪ Right in the head

Do you want to see my pooter?

What?

I said are you here to see a tutor?

- Uh, yes. - Yes.

I'm... lam here to see a... tutor.

Yeah, were you just picturing me naked?

- What? No... - Is... I would...

Girls can tell when you're doing that, you know.

- Well, sorry. I... - I was not doing...

Yeah? You can tell when I do that?

I can.

And stop saying "I'm sorry."

- it makes people hate you. - Sorry.

RJ, right?

I'm Amy, and you're coming with me.

Okay, so it says here you're smart.

At least you used to be. Till recently.

Okay, so what's your deal?

Drugs, or...?

You mean why are my grades dropping like...

like...

Like preteen panties at a Justin Bieber concert.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Um, uh...

my parents are getting divorced,

and, um, uh, my girlfriend doesn't get it,

and everyone else just sort of thinks I'm a loser,

so it's just kind of hard.

Wow.

That is pathetic.

What?

Hey, you might as well have just said,

"I'm in high school."

you know, everybody has those problems.

They do?

Yeah, I mean, my parents got divorced last year,

and, yeah, I thought it was all my fault,

and, yeah, it really messed me up.

I'm sorry.

But then, you know, things got better, right?

- It got worse. - It got way worse.

Yeah, but then you have to realize that, you know,

that stuff is their life,

and you have to live yours.

That's all you can do.

That's it?

That's it.

All right, now let's see what Mr. Python pants'

big old bulging brain can do

when he's not worrying about everyone else in the world.

You know about that?

Yeah, everybody knows about that.

Mrs. K, you wanted to see me?

Would you excuse us, please?

- Okay, Mrs. K. - I'll wait in the hall.

Look, Mrs. K,

if this is about me talking,

I just want you to know that it's not gonna happen agai...

Shut up, Miles.

Whoa.

- Put your arms up. - Hmm?

Oh, God.

Oh, would you look at that.

Hey, if this is some fat hate crime...

Mm.

I have been watching you walk that sweet doughy ass

in and out of my class for the last three weeks,

and I can't stand the thought of leaving without a taste.

- Then taste me. - Taste me!

Ugh, you're like a teddy bear made out of marshmallows.

Ooh, I can barely get my leg around you.

Yeah!

- Ooh, no. - Not yet.

It has to be perfect.

- This is perfect. - I love this.

I have six pornos where this exact thing happens.

Oh, Miles, Miles, my sweet, sweet Goliath,

this will happen.

Meet me after lunch tomorrow.

Eat hearty. Have seconds.

I will.

You like this cannoli, right?

Uh, yeah, looks pretty go...

Well, I have something much, much sweeter,

and you are gonna eat it all up, big boy.

Dude, we are completely boob to boob.

I mean, I'm flagpoling just thinking about it.

She's into big guys, RJ.

She's a teacher, Miles.

Mr. Bonaventure is a teacher.

Sir.

- Mrs. K, she's a tilf. - A tilf?

Yeah, teacher I'd like to...

Okay, look, I know this is the most awesome thing

that's ever happened to you,

but bear in mind, nothing good will come of this.

Wow, RJ.

Can't you just be happy for me for once?

It's my turn to get the "V" monkey off my back.

You've already busted your cherry.

Yes, with a girl my own age.

Yeah, with a girl on her deathbed.

- Aah. - Please keep that down.

If Jenny hears, I'm dead.

Oh, and while you're busy judging me,

I'll bet our friendship that you've already fantasized

about two-timing with your tutor.

Amy is different, okay?

She's 17, she's a tutor...

She... And you know what?

She's just a cool chick.

RJ, 99% of the world's great calamities

began with the words, "She's just a cool chick."

- ♪ Come on - ♪ Teacher teach me

- ♪ Come on - ♪ Teacher teach me

Oh, yes!

Put those nuts on my chest!

- And, uh... - Oh!

Uh, you said the whipped cream is next, right?

Yes!

Oh!

Man, you older chicks like it kinky.

Eat it up, ice cream man.

Let's do this.

Whoa.

I'm about to do it.

You sure are, big boy.

- ♪ Come on - ♪ Teacher teach me

- ♪ Come on - ♪ Teacher teach me

- ♪ come on - ♪ teacher teach me

Oh!

- ♪ Come on - ♪ Teacher teach me

- ♪ Come on - ♪ Teacher teach me

Whoo!

That polynomial function was epic.

That end value just... Off the chain.

Wow.

It's a good thing you're cute,

because that was hands down

the nerdiest thing I have ever heard.

Hey, RJ.

Hey.

Um, I'm sorry.

This is my... My tutor, Amy.

Amy Bresner.

Hi... Amy.

Um, I just wanted to talk to you about Friday night.

But I guess you're busy, so...

you want to talk later?

I will talk to you later.

- Okay. - Cool.

So you and Jenny Swanson...

It's weird, I know.

- Oh, it's... - Why is it weird?

No, I mean, she's hot,

and you're, like, the coolest guy in school.

You think I'm the coolest guy in school?

No. No.

And she definitely doesn't seem like the type of girl

who gets off on epic polynomial end values.

- She doesn't. - Believe me.

So I ask again,

you and Jenny Swanson?

You did it in the broom closet?

No, just her vagina.

- No, no, no, I mean... - Never mind.

Wow.

Man, sex is not like squeezing a pastry at all, is it?

Not too much.

You know, I think I was good at it.

That's good for you.

Kind of makes your junk itch though, huh?

Um, no?

Really?

Some sort of bug.

Dude!

Oh, my God! You have crabs.

RJ, calm down.

It's just one tiny, little...

Holy [bleep]!

I got crabs.

I get laid one time.

One time!

And boom, my balls are an exhibit

at crustacean nation.

Dude, Mrs. K lied to you.

Uh, it was more like a sin of omission.

Plus you don't understand what Mrs. K and I have.

Yes, I do.

You have little animals living in your pubes.

Whatever, dude.

Here. I need you to grab my pants

so I can foam 'em up and shave 'em down.

You can't be serious.

- What? - I'd do it for you.

Come on, RJ.

I got to kill these boner biters

and get back to the monkey business.

Come on.

Here...

If I were a dick, I'd say "I told you so."

- Ooh. - Oh!

Let's do this.

This is without a doubt

the most disgusting thing I've ever done.

It's for a good cause, bro.

The cause of getting laid.

Hey, you patsies aren't here to chat.

You're here to haul crab.

Now get to it.

Dude, those are on your junk!

Not for long.

Man overboard!

- Help me! - It's so gross, Miles!

The foam cannon!

Get to the foam cannon!

It's not working!

Then there's only one thing left to do.

Okay.

That sucked.

I am never having sex again.

Oh. Sorry.

♪ Scratch my way

♪ Claw my way

♪ Dig my way

Excellent work, RJ.

Best score in the entire class.

That tutor must be working out really well for you.

Mrs. K...

Oh, yes, my sweet, sweet sugar bear.

We're through.

But, Miles, let's not waste what little time

we still have left together.

Look, lady, a trip to your patch

turned my crotch into a shrimp shack.

Happens once, crabs on me.

Happens twice...

totally gross.

You'll always be my ice cream man.

Hey, Lily.

Hey, um, do you mind if I ask you a question?

Yeah, as long as it's not about that special Friday night

when RJ tickles your intestines.

I'm just busting your labia.

Of course that's what

you're asking me about.

Shoot.

Well, what do I need to know?

I mean, this is my first time.

Say what?

I thought you were a total slut.

Why does everybody think that?

This is gonna be like taking a jackhammer to a Barbie doll.

- I know, I mean, - RJ isn't exactly average.

Speaking from personal experience,

the only reason I was able to handle RJ was because...

well, "B," I was half dead...

and, "B" my pelvis was shattered

into, like, a million little pieces so...

Wait a minute.

You two slept together?

I'm never gonna see another cannoli

with getting half-chub again.

Oh, which reminds me,

I think it's time for me to pass the boner baton to you.

Tonight's the big night with Jenny, huh?

Yeah, I guess so.

I don't know.

I'm starting to think...

I've been wrong all along.

And, you know, maybe Jenny's not the perfect girl after all.

What...?

Hey, that is the pre-sex nerves talking.

You're gonna do fine, bro.

Just breathe in and try not to put a hole through her stomach.

Hey, asshole.

You didn't tell her about us?

And you didn't tell me you didn't tell her about us?

You better move to another life.

You told her?

She asked about your cherry, which is my trophy.

I'd claw your eyes out

if I didn't know she was about to do it for me.

RJ?

Hey.

You lied to me?

- No, I didn't... - I didn't lie to you.

It was more of a sin of omission.

Get him in a body bag!

Body bag.

You're supposed to be different from them.

But you're not.

You're not even worth it.

Ooh. Aw...

My name is RJ Berger,

and my life is literally breaking my heart.

- Next on - The Hard Times Of RJ Berger.

RJ, a lie is a lie.

- Jenny and I are fighting. - I lied to her.

Lying is in your blood.

It is the one thing that all Berger men do well.

- There's that name again. - Amy.

Spending a lot of time with her lately, huh?

- She does not look happy. - Can we talk?

Why don't you go talk to your new tutor?