Original subtitles

- Previously on - The Hard Times Of RJ Berger.

Lock-in night is like a school-sponsored orgy.

This is just how I want to lose my virginity.

Wait, you're a virgin?

You tried to sabotage RJ's night.

If I can't have RJ, no one can.

- Did we...? - No.

Soon, RJ Berger.

Hey, Jenny, wait up.

What's with the Lohan glasses?

Hey, RJ.

Hey, you get into your parents' schnapps last night?

I should probably just get to class.

Well, well, it's the dork-namic duo.

And is that little miss perfect in shades?

That's new.

Ooh, gross.

Looks like some of Berger's fugly

rubbed off on your face, Swanson.

- How unfortunate. - A big old pimple.

And isn't tomorrow cheerleader photo day?

Such a shame. Toodles.

Max. I'm walking.

Jealousy's not good for your complexion, babe.

Dude, did you hear?

Lily's settlement from the bus accident came in.

Yeah. She got, like, a billion dollars,

lypo-ed her whole body,

plus got huge fakies!

Dude, this is just another rumor.

Remember last year when everyone thought Gina Palenkendo

was one of the Two Girls One Cupchicks?

Oh, does she have a driver?

- What? - Lily!

♪ I'm ready for the nice things ♪

♪ Frozen diamond rings

♪ Hot boys, shoes, cars, and designer jeans ♪

♪ Lights, camera, action

♪ I'm ready for the movie screen ♪

Remind me to never shake hands with Gina Palenkendo.

Yeah.

Hey, Lils. What's up, bestie?

I'm busy, peasant.

Lily, join us.

Hey, boos.

You look hot.

Oh, who wants some swag?

I do.

Oh, my God.

Is Lily trying to buy Robin's friendship?

What? She should be trying to buy ourfriendship.

We been piggy-backing

that oversized hedgehog since kindergarten.

We got to get back on her good side.

Yeah, count me out.

All right, look, RJ.

Maybe you're cool with being broke.

I'm trying to get paid.

All we got to do is... suckle up to the devil's teat.

And it's not gonna be easy, bro.

She may be wearing $30 lipstick,

but she's still the same old pig.

See you guys later.

Look at that.

Meanwhile Jenny sneaks into school

like the trench coat mafia.

Ew, gross.

My name is RJ Berger,

and my world has officially flipped upside down.

So I know we didn't get to do...

everything we talked about doing the other night,

so I was kind of hoping maybe tonight...

RJ, I'm sorry.

I can only deal with one emotional crisis

at a time, okay?

My life is a complete nightmare right now.

The cheerleading photo is tomorrow.

Everything is ruined.

Everything?

It's just one little zit.

I mean, I've had hundreds of 'em.

Try thousands.

I've had a zit five times that size on my butt for two months.

Named it Zitney Murphy.

I've never really had a zit before.

Ever?

It'll go away by tomorrow, right?

I'm sure you'll be fine.

- Hell no! - You're totally screwed.

Jennifer Gloria Swanson...

My middle name is not Gloria.

It is time you learn the life cycle of the zit.

Sadly, nature's made me an expert.

♪ Oh, I'm just a pimple ♪

♪ Cute as a dimple

♪ Snuggled up under the skin ♪

♪ Now I'm just a zit ♪

♪ As big as a tit

♪ And I make your face ugly as sin ♪

♪ I make such a fuss

♪ As I fill up with pus

♪ And grow white as the pure mountain snow ♪

♪ I get ugly and seepy

♪ Spill more oil than B.P.

♪ Until you decide I should go ♪

Dude, could you have freaked her out any more?

She had to get the truth sometime, bro.

Ah, man.

Will Zitney Murphy ever die?

What?

Lily, can we talk for a minute?

Let me get rid of him real quick.

What do you want?

I'm busy being popular as hell.

Look, I know you hate my guts,

but this is not the way to get back at me.

You think this is about you?

You big-donged sociopath.

I finally pulled my head out

of my unfortunately unpenetrated ass.

Okay, these people don't give a crap about you.

They're obviously just using you for your money.

You know who obviously doesn't give a crap about me, RJ?

- You. - That's not true.

I'm over pretending you're a nice guy

just because you're a loser.

What could you possibly have in common with any of them?

My gag-o-meter just spiked all the way to "hypocrite."

What is that supposed to mean?

I'm sure you have so much in common

with that vapid cooze Jenny.

What do you guys talk about?

The best place to get vagazzled together?

Yeah, it's not like that, okay?

We have lots of fun together.

Face it, RJ.

You're using Jenny for her boobs and ass

the same way I'm using Robin and Max for popularity.

Now if you'll excuse me,

my ass has to get back to being kissed.

- Ow. - What the...?

Hey, Lils.

You're looking extra... vibrant today.

Get your dirty, stay-puft paws off me, Miles.

Yeah, my pleasure.

Oh...

is that one of those touchy-paddy things?

Oh, those are so expensive.

What do you want, lard-ass?

Killing my self-esteem.

Um...

I... I was, you know...

I want you to buy me some cool shit, okay?

Just some of life's little luxuries.

Like a golden segway or my very own porn company.

Is that too much to ask? Come on!

Okay, Miles, you want to be friends

now that I got a little scrilla under my belt, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Well, maybe I can help.

You see, my back's gonna need scratching too,

and it's itchy... as hell.

Yeah, it's probably the fleas.

- What? - Anything to please.

Ow, okay.

- Oh, my God. - It's getting worse.

You must think I'm so gross.

The answer to that is absolutely not.

Put that down.

See?

No, it wasn't you.

It... The cream is very sour.

I'm un-kissable.

Oh, you two have so much in common.

Yeah, both losers.

This is such a nightmare.

Maybe you should put on more face cream?

- Lily, join us. - Come on, Lily.

You're really gonna go sit with those mini medusas?

Come on, Lily.

Listen, bitch.

If you want something from me,

you smile pretty, and you like it.

I am not paying you to have an awesome time.

Wow, that money's gone straight to your head.

At least it's not going to my ass

like your government cheese, trailer trash.

Oh!

Hi.

Hi.

This is a private table, you know.

- Oh, don't worry, ladies. - He's the help.

Jenner, take a knee.

Come on, Lily.

You can be on napkin duty.

You missed a spot, fatty.

That's enough!

Be gone, biotch.

- Oh, my God, Lily. - You're brutal.

I love it.

Hey, let me see your ring.

How cool would it be if all the cheerleaders

had rings like this?

Well, they're at the mall.

I can show you after school if you want.

Oh, we can't make it today.

But it would be really super if tomorrow

when we were all sitting together we had the same rings?

That way we'd know you were one of us.

Know what I mean?

Hey, Jenny.

- Don't say it. - Say what?

I know I look disgusting.

I tried to stay home, but my mom wouldn't let me.

My mom doesn't let me stay home for zits either.

Parents just don't understand. Am I right?

Are you being sarcastic?

- What? No. - I'm saying, like...

like we have something in common, you know?

Our mom's insensitivities to our faces

and the teenage experience.

Look, RJ, I know you're trying to make me feel better,

and normally it works,

but I'm just not in the mood right now,

seeing as how I look like a freak.

Jesus, Jenny, it's just a couple of zits.

It doesn't matter.

- It does matter. - It matters a lot.

You don't understand.

- You're right. - I... I don't.

You can't survive one bad day

because the rest of your life has been perfect up till now?

There's more pressure on me, RJ.

- Why? - Because you're popular?

You should really try being an outcast your entire life.

You... You really don't have it that hard.

Why are you talking to me like this?

What else can I talk to you about?

This is all you talk about.

You know what, RJ?

You were a much nicer guy

when you were doing everything that you could

to get me to notice you.

Jenny Swanson likes attention.

What a surprise.

This is the worst day of my life.

I'm sorry.

I can't tell who's a bigger loser...

RJ the geek, or Jenny the freak.

I mean, did you see what is happening to her face?

At least now it makes sense

why she would slum with the loser brigade.

It's just a couple pimples.

- You don't have to be nice, - Lily.

You're with us now.

And everyone knows how stuff like this

can ruin a girl's reputation.

Jenny's over.

Is that the new Mac lipstick?

Yeah, I just got it.

Looks perfect with my coloring.

It's too bold for you.

Keep it.

Oh, and, Lily,

it's funny how you boss around that Miles kid,

but you can't have him around us.

He's kind of fun.

- No, he's not. - He's revolting.

And he's bad for your image.

And since you're with me now,

he's bad for my image. Get it?

See you later, Lil.

Hello?

Oh!

It just started getting worse and worse,

and now I... Now I just look like...

The elephant man with boobs?

I think I'd better go.

- Fine. - Go.

Go tell your new friend Robin.

While you're at it, tell RJ too.

I'm sure you're dying for him to leave me.

Just chill, Barbie.

Stay here. I'll... be back.

A minute.

What do you want?

Your little girlfriend

is playing hunchback of the handicapped stall.

Her face looks like a coochie turned inside out.

What do you care?

I thought you said she was a vapid cooze.

The only thing worse than a vapid cooze

is one that's crying.

If those bitches see her like that,

they will massacre her.

Even I don't think she deserves that.

We got to sneak her out of here

without anyone seeing.

I know what to do.

Let's go, princess.

We'll take you to one with better glory holes.

RJ, what are you doing in here?

This is the girl's bathroom.

Whoo!

Some chick just took a massive dump.

RJ, what are you doing in here?

Trying to make your day a little less worse.

You didn't tell Robin?

Our secret.

All right, let's get that giant mask on you.

And get you out of here.

- There you go. - All better.

This six-period bell's gonna ring in four minutes.

We need to haul ass.

Come on, Jenny.

♪ We're cutting out

♪ It's Monday morning

♪ Monday morning

♪ Haters watch out

♪ We're on defense...

- Wait. - Hold it.

We have to go through the cafeteria.

No, the activities hall.

No, man, you don't know what you're talking about.

No, you don't know what you're talking about.

Let's go!

♪ With nothing to lose

♪ Get out, get out

♪ Got to get out of here

Oh! Oh!

Leave her!

♪ But now we're leaving

♪ And we're gonna live the teenage... ♪

Oh!

Oh.

Ooh.

Okay, Miles, I'll buy you a crossbow,

a racecar bed, and terminator sunglasses.

All right.

I'll see you on the other side.

Whoo!

Aah!

Ha. Look.

It's the school's douchiest couple.

You're dead, Jenner.

- Okay, now's your chance. - Go.

- Hey, thank you. - You're a good friend.

I won't forget this.

Go!

So, I mean, I guess you have a couple hours to kill

before you can go home, huh?

Yeah, it's probably best my mom

doesn't find out about the whole sneaking out of school thing.

Right.

Ugh, she would kill me.

Sorry, I don't really feel

like making out or anything right now

That's okay.

I'm happy that we're just hanging out.

We never do that.

That's true.

Do you want to play Xbox?

Sure. Do you have that one workout game?

You know the one where you, like, wave your arms,

and you, like, pop the little pink flower thingies?

I don't have that one.

- Oh. - No.

Oh, how about a movie?

I just bought the blu-ray director's cut of Avatar.

- Director's cut? - Thank God.

That movie was so long.

Actually, this one's longer.

Oh.

Oh, I have an amazing karaoke machine.

I have, like, every song in the world.

- Oh, perfect. - Do you have Lady Gaga?

Or Katy Perry? No, wait, wait, wait.

Do you have Taylor Swift?

I do a killer Taylor Swift.

I don't have... those.

Do you have any antihistamines?

That I do.

Oh.

Thank you.

Hey, Lily, do you still have that Mac lipstick?

No, you, um, took it from me.

Well, do you have more?

I'm gonna look so amazing in the head cheerleader slot.

I thought Jenny was in that slot.

As if I was gonna let that happen.

A little secret ingredient in her face cream

took care of that for me.

The bitch should thank me. I went easy on her.

Just a pinch.

If I'd used a lot, can you say "fugly"?

- You know what? - I think I do have

some of that Mac stuff in my locker.

I have lipsticks and blushes and body lotions.

Oh!

Hey.

How is she?

She's okay, thanks to you.

It was your plan, genius.

No cool crowd today?

Nah.

I think I'm over that.

I mean, they're just a bunch of stuck-up douchebags.

And they never have any fun.

They just want to look cool. So stupid.

Yeah, but, I mean, you got to be popular for a little bit.

That's awesome.

Not really.

It's weird, you know, the thing you obsess over,

if you get it,

it's never what you dreamt it would be.

You know?

I know.

So are we cool now?

No way.

But we're gettin' there,

scum cookie.

I missed you, Lil.

So where's blondie?

Jenny went home.

She was definitely looking a little better,

but she was really bummed about missing the cheerleader photo.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't worry too much about that.

My name is RJ Berger,

and ugly is as ugly does.

- Next on - The Hard Times Of RJ Berger.

I'm disappointed, RJ.

RJ, you're gonna be meeting in the library

for tutoring three days a week, effective immediately.

I'll bet our friendship

that you've already fantasized

about two-timing with your tutor.

Good thing you're cute,

because that was hands down the nerdiest thing

I have ever heard.

- Hey, RJ. - Hey.

- Holy [bleep]! - I got crabs.