Original subtitles

Previously on The Hard Times of RJ Berger.

Cousin Vinny's here to help us move.

- You want to date this girl? - More than anything.

You only need one weapon.

Confidence.

- You and me, dinner? - I'd love to.

I guess I'm just really nervous.

That's why I like you, RJ.

You're never afraid to tell the truth.

Holy crap, this is really happening.

Yep.

Mm...

is something wrong?

No, no, no, nothing.

Wow, they really lock these things in, huh?

Yeah.

Just pull it over her head, hon.

- Mom! - Yeah, you gotta

pull those little muffins out of the oven

while they're still warm.

These walls sure are thin, huh?

Don't pay attention.

Oh, okay.

Did you get it? Can you see them?

Oh, I bet they are fantastic.

Let me know when you get to the bottom,

I'll talk you through it, it can be kinda tricky.

- Mom! - Here.

- Mom! - Oh my God.

You're welcome.

My name is RJ Berger, and I need a new make-out spot.

Whoa.

What's with you?

The universe keeps blueballing me, that's what.

I keep getting this close, and then...

And the universe says, "no, RJ,

"you must wait. wait for tonight.

For on this night, you shall surely bone."

What would make tonight any different?

Dude. Because it's sophomore lock-in night.

So?

So... lock-in night?

It's like a school-sponsored orgy.

Scorgy! Everyone in class gets to rub guts.

Even complete trolls.

Miles, this is another one of your stupid theories.

There's no way people are gonna do it at school.

Oh!

What a night, Pinkerton!

Now...

where is my sexy keymaster?

Right here. Here I am.

Come and get it, baby.

Another one of my "stupid theories," huh?

Just like when I warned you what would happen

if you entered the dragon.

Why do I feel like she can hear every word we're saying?

'Cause she's pure evil, bro.

Forget her.

You moved on.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe tonight is thenight.

Dude, if it does happen,

just promise me a detailed description

of the merchandise.

You know,

like hardwood floors or carpet.

Curtains or pouty face.

Come on, RJ. Come to paradise.

Mm. Oh!

RJ Berger!

RJ Berger!

Okay, okay, okay, okay. I get it, I get it.

Oh! Dude, that reminds me.

You gotta bring a dessert to get in.

See? Even the rules are awesome.

Tasty treats, locked in with girls and dessert?

Scorgy!

So I was thinking we'd just, you know,

sneak off tonight after Coach calls lightsout,

And find a place like we'd pictured.

Oh, RJ, I can't.

- I'm so sorry. - No, no,

I totally understand if you didn't... wouldn't

- wanna do it, you know. - Oh, RJ, not that.

I do want to. I really, really want to.

It's just... my parents won't let me go.

- But it's a school event. - I know.

Somebody called them and told them

how it's basically a school-sponsored orgy.

- Scorgy. - What?

Nothing.

Anyways, I really, really want to.

It just can't be tonight.

Unless, by some miracle, my dad changes his mind,

which will never happen.

Don't worry about your dad.

- What? - I got this.

Jennifer's not allowed out tonight.

Maybe you hadn't heard.

But, sir, please.

We're all just counting on her.

Excuse me?

Well...

we're supposed to role-play together tonight.

I knew it.

This whole lock-in nonsense is just a thinly veiled

- excuse for a scorgy. - A-A-A what?

It's a compound word, Berger.

Using the words "school" and "orgy."

Orgy? Oh, my God, that's disgusting.

Jennifer, what is your father talking about?

I don't know, someone told him this crazy story,

and it is gross.

Oh. I mean, I just don't know

who is gonna play my Princess Pigington

in our Excaliburcampaign.

Princess Pigington?

Yeah, she rolls a plus-12 against all evil,

- she's the magical keeper... - Stop.

Just stop it. Shut up with that.

All right, obviously, there's some sort

of misunderstanding here.

I told you, Daddy, it's not at all like that.

All right, sweetie. All right, you can go.

But you listen to me, son.

Swear to me that you will not

take advantage of my daughter tonight.

It is my sworn duty as a knight

to defend all maidens against evil,

- and chaotic beasts... - Stop, stop, stop.

Just shut up with that.

- Thank you, Daddy. - Goodnight, sir.

Oh, my God. You are a genius.

I think you just earned something special tonight.

♪ Open up, give me some of your coconut ♪

♪ Damn, I think you just woke it up ♪

♪ Ooh, you like it? Soak it up ♪

♪ Get used to this Gucci ♪

♪ And the Prada-rockin' Dolce ♪

♪ If your body get you out there ♪

All right, listen up, superfreaks.

The only reason I chaperone

this sad-ass circus is to eat your mama's cookies

while I watch the fight on my office TV.

I ain't got no cable at home.

Ground rules are...

stay in the gym, don't leave the gym,

and stay the hell in the gym at all times.

Oh, yeah, and stay the hell outta my office!

This is gonna be the greatest night of our lives.

I think he might be right.

Dude. Can you believe it?

I mean, you can practically feel the beaver mist in the air.

There is no way I'm not getting laid tonight.

- What are those? - Oh.

I stole this giant stash of biscotti from my brother, Chet.

Chet doesn't strike me as a biscotti guy.

Oh, he's crazy about them.

He imports them from his old war buddies.

I've seen him eat, like, a thousand of them.

So, where we setting up at?

Oh, um, actually, Miles,

RJ and I were gonna try and find our own place

with a little more privacy.

Oh, okay.

- Yeah, help yourself. - Thank you.

Way to go, bro. I'm proud of you.

I can't believe that little blonde bitch made it.

Yeah. Isn't it awesome?

- Wait. - Why wouldn't she?

No reason.

I gotta go take a major dump.

You wanna wipe my ass, fatty?

Hell no. I think I'd rather

be a human centipede between

Biz Markie and Justin Bieber, thanks.

Wait!

It was you, wasn't it?

You called Jenny's parents.

You tried to sabotage RJ's night.

And I'm still going to.

You mechanized cockblock!

How could you?

If I can't have RJ Berger...

no one can.

Gosh, it's so creepy here at night.

It's creepy during the day too.

Where should we go?

Uh, anywhere.

I mean, it can literally be anywhere in the world...

Like, right there.

No, RJ, it's gotta be special.

We have to find the perfect place.

Okay. You lead the way.

Okay. Biscotti? Oh, no, no, no.

Actually, I'm allergic to chocolate.

More for me.

Whoa. Think I'm getting a sugar rush.

Jenner! What'd you bring to eat?

Time to pay the sugar toll.

It's Biscotti?

Biscot... what?

It's a delicious biscuit. My brother learned

the recipe in Afghanistan.

- Mm. - Mm-hmm.

Damn, boy! Mm.

That's some Afghani gold right there.

What do you got, Coach?

I got a world-class taste-whupping in my mouth.

You gotta try these.

I'm gonna take a couple more here

while I make my rounds.

Mm!

Oh!

You want one, baby?

Are you trying to make me fat?

You little prick, these are good!

Well, then give me one then.

Here.

Locking up!

Mm. God damn!

Welcome home, you traitorous hobbit.

- Miles? - Enjoy your stay!

Hope you enjoy deucing in the dark, bitch.

Miles!

Miles! Miles!

You fat bastard!

Let me outta here!

Miles!

All right. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, ladies. Ladies first, all right?

Ladies with their boobies out, double first.

Okay, we have four winners.

Here you go, girls.

Whoo!

Give me some of that biscotti.

Come on, please! Come on, man.

Hey there, good-looking.

Hell of a fight, huh?

Who the hell are you?

I'm you, dummy.

Then who the hell am I?

You the damn fool that's high as a kite

on Afghani gold.

The biscotti.

More like bis-got-messed-up.

Those cookies are dosed to the teats.

Sugar toll. Afghani gold.

Uh-oh.

This... this is

the best lock-in ever.

Ooh!

I think... yeah.

Yeah, I'm trippin' balls.

I'm trippin' biscotti balls!

This is amazing!

This little piggy went "wee-wee-wee-wee"

All the way home.

Feels like a big fat weiner.

But not as big as yours, I bet.

Mm, these biscotti are amazing.

Are you feeling okay?

I'm great.

Let's get a look at the legend.

Whoa, no, wait. Whoa, Jenny.

You... you're acting really weird.

Oh, I know what you want.

You want me to show you mine first.

Okay.

You like what you see?

Hardwood floors.

RJ, this is... this is perfect.

Has my hair always tasted this good?

RJ, this is just

exactly how I always wanted it.

I somehow doubt that.

No, no, no, no, no,

this is just right exactly

how I want to lose my virginity.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- You're a virgin? - Not for long.

What is that?

Clang, clang, clang, clang, clang, clang,

clang, clang, clang.

Help!

Get me out of here!

Get me out of here, Miles,

or I'm gonna bite off your...

I love you.

But don't we hate each other?

We do.

Love... this is what it's all about.

Get in on this, everybody.

- It's magic. - Magic.

Double rainbow all the way.

What does that mean?

What does it mean?

I like you, me.

Oh, man, I like me too.

Ah, but guess what.

What?

You ain't never gonna guess.

- Lay it on. - Okay.

Uh, this trip...

is about to go really, really bad.

- Oh, no. - Yeah, you better

hide in the air ducts.

'Cause this piece...

is about to go buck wild.

He got that right.

- If y'all say so. - Yeah.

Yeah, we think that's a good idea.

I think that's a good idea.

Aah!

He ain't gonna make it.

Come on, let's get it on.

Jenny, Jenny. Please, please just take...

hold on, take a deep breath.

Okay.

Oh, I get it.

You want a little...

Oh.

I touched it.

Down the hatch.

- Down the hat... - Wait, no, no, no.

Jenny?

Who's there?

Aah!

What the hell is going o...

Ouch!

Ah! Stop! Stop, you crazy bitch!

Ow, ow!

Paris Hilton?

Is it really you?

Yes, it's me.

You're beautiful.

I know.

You are so hot.

Really?

Can I tell you a secret?

Anything.

I'm the devil!

Aaah!

Polly? Polly!

Oh no, the biscotti monster!

Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

We're all gonna die!

We're gonna die!

Aah!

Hey.

I'm gonna take this

nice ...and slow.

No! No!

Stay away from me! Help!

Get the hell out of the way!

We're all gonna die. Somebody, please!

Stop!

- Go! - We're free!

What the...

Morning.

Morning.

Last night...

everybody got pretty messed up.

- Did I? - Yeah.

Did I...

- take my... - Yes.

But I put them back on for you.

I'm sorry, RJ, but did we...?

No.

But we did just spend the night together.

Soon, RJ Berger.

I promise.

My name is RJ Berger,

and I think the universe

is starting to take a shine to me.

Next on The Hard Times of RJ Berger...

I've never really had a zit before.

- Ever? - I'm sure you have

so much in common with that vapid cooz, Jenny.

This is the worst day of my life.