Original subtitles

Previously on "The Hard Times of RJ Berger..."

- And then she just kissed me. - This is huge.

- What about Lily? - You heartless...

I have to take my shot with Jenny.

- You're dead to me, - RJ Berger!

We're getting a divorce, RJ.

After years of dreaming about Jenny Swanson,

I finally got a chance to make my move.

Unfortunately, the only move I'm making

is into my mom's new apartment...

Without my dad.

- Wow. - Looking good in here, huh?

What's that? Another episode of "I Dream of Jenny"?

Yeah, something like that.

Honey, come sit down and talk to me.

Come here. Sit down.

Listen, honey, one day you're gonna realize

this is all for the best.

I don't even know what this is, mom, all right?

One minute you and dad are practically doing it

in front of me on the dinner table.

Now we're here, and you're making Dad

stay in some sleaze-bag motel on the interstate.

RJ, you're a man now,

so I'm gonna level with you.

Oh, uh, oops-a-daisy, wrong bedroom.

Anyhoo, funny story...

apparently Daddy was laid off...

Two years ago.

Yeah.

And since he didn't tell me or you or anyone,

we went through our entire life savings.

So that happened, and now we're broke.

Wow.

Yeah, wow...

We lost the house.

And, wow, I dumped your daddy.

But we're moving on, right?

Think of it like a vacation

from everything we used to love.

But, hey, Cousin Vinny's here to help us move.

Oh, Aunt Suzanne, where do you want these?

My friggin' biceps are killing me.

My name is RJ Berger,

and this divorce is freaking killing me.

Got, like, a hot date or something?

Not yet.

But it's all about looking mint, know what I mean?

- Not even remotely. - What about you?

You been, uh, vibing any hotties lately?

Yeah, actually, I've been vibing a particular hottie.

- That's my cugin. - How Long yous been dating?

Oh, no, no, we're not dating.

I'm just kind of obsessed with her.

- Whoa. - What'd you grow up to be,

some kind of chester or something?

N-no, no, no, no, no.

Like, no, no, we know each other.

We're... we're friends.

Been in love with her since, like, the third grade.

And she don't think you're a freak?

No, it's just, like, she's really popular,

and I'm really not.

RJ, look at me.

You want to hunt big game?

You only need one weapon... confidence.

You don't got to be a gorilla, but you got to be aggressive.

- You want to date this girl? - More than anything.

- Then ask her out. - She says no, fine, whatever.

But if she says yes, you got to go for it.

I'm talking someplace classy,

someplace like... Lasagna Farm.

That is a hell of a restaurant.

Bro, they got, like, endless breadsticks.

- It's incredible. - Bathroom party with my boys.

- Hey. - Ha ha!

See, tight quarters, kind of fun.

- Kind of fun. - Right?

Look at this.

It's like a cheese grater made out of meat.

Aunt Suzanne, you're friggin' pazzo.

I love it.

And you, my friend, are a tan xylophone.

Look, RJ, get in on it.

Okay.

Aunt Suzanne, pump it up.

Pump it out?

- Pump. Pump. - Pump that fist.

Come on, RJ.

- Pump it, pump it, pump it, RJ. - Pump that fist, RJ.

Pump.

All right, guys, you keep pumping.

I'm gonna go see Dad before school.

Fine. You want some lies with your morning coffee.

- Mom, come on. - All right, honey.

Just remember to ask him

if he has $80,000 and a time machine.

This stop, downtown Pinkerton. Exit at your own peril.

Oh, RJ. RJ. Son.

Dad, you're suffocating me.

That's what everyone I love says.

- Wow. I mean, this is, uh... - And this.

- Oh, this. - This, yes.

It's my bathrobe. I'm wearing it backwards.

It's like the comfort of a Snuggie without the cost.

Huh? Come on... come on in.

Lock the door, buddy.

Come on. Cop a squat.

- How's... how's Mom? - She's good.

- We got the apartment. - Ah, the apartment.

So, uh, how's school, huh?

Still, uh, slaying the ladies, big guy?

Yeah, actually, that's what I came to talk to you about.

I was, uh, thinking about asking Jenny out.

- Ah. - Breakfast is served.

Here you go.

Jenny can sure wear a sweater.

Girls like that... nothing but trouble.

But she's my dream girl.

RJ, your mom was my Jenny Swanson.

I put that princess on a pedestal.

Landed me here in whore hotel.

Dad, no offense, but I think the lying landed you here.

I lied because dream girls expect things...

money, right?

Houses, honesty.

Now, you can't mess up with a dream girl.

Trust me. They will eat you alive...

And leave you a husk of a man.

So what do I do?

You know who's the happiest couples I've ever seen?

Grandpa Aaron and Grandma Alice?

- No, no, no, no, no. - Homeless people.

You know why?

'Cause they have nothing else in the world.

And it works.

Aim low, son. Aim really low.

- Oh, sorry. - Sorry about that, Son.

Yeah, it's mostly dust mites and hooker hair.

Fresh start.

You know, my cousin Vinny says that I should be more direct,

that I should just ask Jenny out.

Your cousin Vinny sounds like a tool.

♪ Six days and I ain't seen a bed ♪

- ♪ I'm in overdrive - So cute.

Whoa. Who's that?

That's cousin Vinny.

That punani whisperer is your cousin?

Oh!

Dude, do you literally

have a poon magnet under the hood of this car?

Oh, keep your panties on, Miles.

Vinny is spoken for.

Looks like we've both moved on, RJ.

Uh, we got to roll out,

but maybe we can hook up later, Lucy.

- It's Lily. - And trust me.

If we do hook up later,

I will make you remember it.

- Whoa. - Okay, sweetheart.

Shotgun.

So, RJ, you ever end up

making your move with that girl today or what?

We talked about that this morning.

- Ladies like a man of action. - Which one is she?

She's over there.

Oh, RJ, are you serious?

If I was still in high school,

I'd be pounding that chick out tonight.

Well, uh, I'm not as cool as you are, so...

- I told you. - It's about confidence, not this.

So what are you waiting for?

You mean now?

Hey...

Blondie, psst.

Uh, RJ?

- Hi. - Hey.

Nice car.

Thank you.

Uh, look, Jenny, I really like you.

And I'd love to take you out,

just you and me.

RJ...

No, no, no, no, it's... it's no big deal.

It's, uh...

- Yeah, right. - What a dork.

- Wait. - I'd love to.

Really?

Lasagna Farm, you and me, dinner?

Oh, my God. I love their endless breadsticks.

Tomorrow night.

Okay.

Hey! My soda.

Hit it.

Come on. Take it to the max.

Big Bang Theory thinks he can take my Jenny

to the Lasagna Farm...

my favorite restaurant?

- Forget Jenny, man. - You got Robin now.

You can have any girl you want.

- Any girl. - Hell, yeah.

But there's no way I'm letting that freak

bone down with my sloppy seconds...

Or my dirty thirds...

Or my filthy fourths!

So what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna show that freak how a man takes care of business.

Yeah.

That's what I'm talking about.

Wait. Wait. What are you talking about?

He wants to take my girl to my favorite restaurant?

Fine.

I'll make it a night he never forgets.

Hey, Robin, can I talk to you for a second?

Mm-mmm.

Um, listen...

I know everyone thinks that we hate each other

because of Max, but I really want to work this out.

I mean, we've been friends forever, Robin.

I couldn't agree more, Jenny.

Let's work it out.

Max is mine now,

which makes me the new queen of Pinkerton High

and makes you old news.

That work out for you?

See you at practice.

"Suzanne Does Scarsdale."

RJ, are you kidding me?

- Your parents are friggin' nuts. - Yeah, well...

You're hysterical, Vinny.

Hey, your cousin is the dopest.

Every girl he meets wants to open her meat wallet for him.

He could be our Obi-Wan Ke-nookie-nobi.

"Suzanne Does Albany"?

You got a whole box of these things.

And yet, not one of my childhood.

- Ugh! - These two are stuck together.

All right, I'll catch you pinheads later.

I got to go GTL.

- "GTL"? - GTL...

Gym, tan, laundry?

Wait. What, do you think this just happens?

You guys got to keep everything fresh all the time.

You got to make it so even you want to hook up with you.

- Capisce? - Vinny, we're begging you.

Teach us, okay?

Look at us! We need you!

Well, I can't argue with that.

- Uh, Vin, no offense. - Miles...

What, are you kidding me?

All week long you've been bitching and moaning

about this date.

This is our answer.

♪ Ooh-ooh

♪ Put your hands up, put 'em up, put 'em up ♪

♪ Put your glasses up, fill 'em up, fill 'em up ♪

- ♪ From the front... - Oh!

The "G" stands for "gym," not "gordita."

All right, next piece of the puzzle, cugin.

Watch it, tool.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We don't got an issue here, bro.

You got an issue, bro,

'cause I'm about to knock your lights out.

- You gonna buy this shirt, bro? - It's a pretty fresh shirt.

You could do some real damage in this thing.

Y-you really think so?

Hell, yizz-eah.

I got the same one.

This thing is hippo repellant, bro.

You know, it really brings out your eyes.

T-t-thanks, man.

Hug it out. Hug it out.

Say hello to your mother for me.

Oh, okay.

He was gonna kill you.

- How did you do that? - RJ, he's a hater.

Haters are just insecure.

Real bros never let it come to blows.

♪ 'Cause I'm... I'm feeling like I... ♪

You wear panties?

Obi-wan Ke-nookie-nobi.

Imagine seeing you here.

Oh, look!

It's the "fugly" salesman.

- We don't want any. - Oh, Miles.

That's no way to treat a lady.

You got to be nice.

Okay?

- Yeah. - Sorry, Vinny.

Look, Lily, there's not enough room on his jock

for the both of us.

You know, I'd tell you to get a lap-band,

but you don't have a lap.

Fancy running into you here, Lil.

Well, I'm not here to see you, if that's what you're thinking.

I'm here to see if Vinny needs any help with your move,

like maybe we could move my bowels

in the opposite direction.

- Oh! - Oh, whoa, whoa.

Are you okay?

Never better.

I see muscles don't run in the family, huh, RJ?

Lily, you don't look like you're in the right condition

to help us move today.

You understand, right, sweetheart?

Oh, I'm very understanding...

And flexible.

See you later, sexy.

♪ Come on, make it happen

♪ I'm gonna shine so bright

♪ Put your hands up high in the sky ♪

♪ And wave 'em round, round, and round ♪

- This my favorite shade. - It's called "Hoboken Rust."

♪ I'm gonna shine so bright

♪ I'm feeling like a guido

♪ And I go hard

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Three men dressed like that always add up to one lucky lady.

Oh, your first real date.

I remember my first with your father.

Oh, he was such a gentleman.

He made reservations at a fancy place.

He held the door open for me.

He ordered for me.

He even filled my water glass.

He was so classy in the early years.

All we did on that first night was hold hands.

Young love is always so sweet...

No lies...

No kids...

No STDs.

You look, uh...

incredibly pretty tonight.

Thank you.

You look, uh...

I'm sorry, RJ, but why are you dressed like that?

Oh, oh!

Jenny, I'm so stupid.

I let Miles and my cousin talk me into this,

and I guess I'm just really nervous.

That's why I like you, RJ.

You're never afraid to tell the truth,

even if it makes you look a little ridiculous.

I look a lot ridiculous.

Yeah, but it's kind of cute.

You make me feel like it's okay to be honest, too,

you know, just be myself.

Can I confess something?

Just please don't tell me

you're allergic to Ed Hardy or Axe body spray.

No.

This is my first real date.

You're Jenny Swanson.

How is that possible?

I mean, I've been to dances and stuff before,

but...

No one's ever asked me out to dinner or anything.

This is really sweet.

Look what we have here.

Disaster date is on.

Max, what are you doing here?

This is my favorite restaurant, baby.

When I'm here, they treat me like family.

Enjoy my leftovers, Berger.

We'll be over here if you need anything, "cabosh"?

Jones, party of three.

Watch and learn, baccala.

Hey, ladies...

I know it's none of my business or anything,

but what is this... sisters' night out?

You have absolute power.

I mean, you could've had all three of them.

The grandmother was the most fun.

- Yeah? - You can tell by the hips.

Hey, I should be your wingman...

observing the master at work.

Listen, lunch box, you're doing way too much talking

- and not... - Hey!

What is this... sisters' night?

- Oh, uh-uh. - What did you just say?

Hot bitch comin' through.

Oh. Hey.

Nice poof, girl.

Mm, you should see the one in my pants.

Hey, douche bag, catch.

- That's it. - RJ, don't.

- They're not worth it. - Yeah, they're not.

But you are.

RJ...

- Max, Patterson. - Nice seeing you both here.

Berger, what is with this look?

We don't got a problem, bro.

We're cool.

No.

I'm cool, bro.

You're 105 pounds of orange loser meat.

And we like our meat pounded.

- Yeah. - Max...

That's a really Nice shirt you're wearing.

It really brings out the blue in your eyes.

What are you doing?

Bros don't let it come to blows.

Nobody bro-hugs Max Owens.

Except us... for sports.

Not in my restaurant!

Oh, cugin, you all right?

We heard a commotion.

RJ, did you lay this guy out?

Oh! The endless salad broke his fall.

Man, I love-a this place.

Actually, your bro helped me out.

Oh, paesan.

Thanks, brother.

If anybody's gonna be whupping ass in here, it's gonna be me.

Any of the rest of you feel like tossing a little salad?

Hey, lovebirds...

It's a little too violent in here for a first date.

What do you say I take you somewhere more private?

- Yes. - Yeah.

Come on, let's go.

Thank you.

I'm sorry you didn't get your endless breadsticks.

That's okay.

I got something much better.

I hope you Scotchgarded your seats.

Nah, he's keeping it on the first-base lips tonight.

He's angling long-term.

Going my way?

Whoa, maintain legal inches, sweetheart.

But look me up in a few years...

LWoww.

My name is RJ Berger,

and I just had an imperfect date

with the perfect girl.

Next on "The Hard Times of RJ Berger..."

Sophomore lock-in night... it's like a school-sponsored orgy.

Maybe tonight is the night.

You shall surely bone.

"Scorgy"!

This is gonna be the greatest night of our lives!

You are so hot.