Original subtitles

Previously on The Hard Times of RJ Berger...

I need you to promise this is really gonna happen.

I promise, Lily.

Jenny's been my dream girl since, like...

- ...third grade. - I have to go with her.

- This isn't right. - Go be with her.

For the Lord is my shepherd,

and I His faithful sheep,

following His mighty rod and staff,

bending to His will, eating His flesh...

And as Vigo the Carpathian said in Ghostbusters II,

death is but a doorway.

Time is but a window.

I'll be back.

Friends, loved ones,

let us all share a moment of silence

for a young soul taken too soon.

Everybody knows someone who's died.

- That should have been me. - Pull yourself together, man.

Damn.

Some go tragically, some heroically.

And some when their scooters crash through

a plate glass window at a doughnut shop.

Why, Lord?!

Why you had to take my baby?!

- Did you know - Kevin was Black?

- He was adopted, asshole. - Sorry.

Now let's send our beloved Kevin

to his rest by spreading his ashes

over this beautiful hillside,

where he once ran and leapt as a child...

before his legs could no longer support the weight

of his giant... heart.

Sometimes the difference between life and death

comes down to one moment, one choice.

Off you go, son, to run and leap with Jesus.

- Oh! - Aah!

My baby!

- Oh! - No, no, no, no.

Ma'am, ma'am...

Oh!

Ma'am, ma'am, no!

Ma'am, that's not Kevin, that's me!

Ouch!

That's attached to him, okay?

Oh, sorry I'm late, bitches.

It's kind of hard to walk when your pelvis is where

your nipples used to be.

Hi, baby!

My name is RJ Berger,

and it's time I made a choice of my own.

Dude, you see that?

This is gonna be the best semester ever.

You know, I'm feeling a whole new level of respect

since ball-beating Max.

You honestly don't think there will be

any repercussions to that?

Whatevs.

This could finally be my ticket out of virgin prison.

Which I always thought we were gonna break out of together.

But with girls with us, right?

Call me sentimental, but I always imagined us

in a motel high-fiving over some freshman skank.

But no, you had to go bone Sleeping Doodie

- till she flatlined. - Dude, shut up!

No one can know about that. Especially Jenny.

What difference does it make?

You had your shot and you blew it.

Remember, you had your tongue down the prom queen's throat?

And the next minute you're dry-humping Lily's bed sores.

For the rest of my life, I'll never understand that.

It was the right thing to do.

No, it was the RJ thing to do.

Trust me. You stick it out with Lily

'cause of guilt, you're gonna pity-bang yourself

into a pity marriage, bro.

Hey there, sexy boyfriend.

Hey, Lily.

- Good news. - The doctor says I'll be able

to eat solids again in a day or two.

But until then I guess I'll just have to get by

on a liquid diet.

After all, it wasn't my mouth

that got broken in nine places.

Peace in the Middle East.

Got to go get the pus in my knees drained.

Bye.

Dude, tell me you're not seriously gonna continue this.

I can't break the girl's heart twice, dude.

What am I gonna do?

RJ, use that enormous package of yours for once.

Nut up and swing for the fences.

Can you imagine your life with Lily?

Honey, I'm home.

Hey there, sweet ass.

Hand me my butt doughnut, will ya?

My hemorrhoids are flaming like Taylor Lautner

on Fire Island.

Damn it, I think one of 'em is weeping again.

Kids, get in here!

Daddy's home before his second job.

Hi... ugh!

You're it, dumb-dumb.

When did we get a dog?

That's not a dog.

I had a toilet baby this morning.

You're welcome.

Now imagine life with Jenny.

- Honey, I'm home. - Hi, sweetheart.

I've got your martini.

You are the best.

- No, you are. - Mwah.

Would you like a BJ now or after you see the kids?

- Can't I have both? - All right, darling,

but you're gonna get it for making me wait.

Children, your father's home.

- Yay! - Darling,

my old sorority friends decided to pay a surprise visit.

Is it all right if they stay in our bed?

We love to snuggle.

Well, okay.

I guess that's all right.

- Yay! - They can help with the BJ.

Oh, wait. The new baby's coming.

Fantastic!

See, dude, you just got to ask yourself what you want.

It doesn't matter what I want, Miles.

Look, I got my one kiss with Jenny, my dream girl,

and it was amazing, but Lily...

she's my... reality girl.

And that's just the way it is.

Suit yourself.

- Are you avoiding me, - RJ Berger?

- No. No. - Hey.

Happy first day back.

I haven't talked to you since the dance.

That was quite a night.

Certainly was.

So, about what happened...

I-I don't want you to feel weird about it.

We could just go back to before.

- Just, you know, the usual. - How's Lily?

- She's good. - She's good.

Uh, she can go to the bathroom by herself now,

so it's good.

You're so good to be there for a friend like that.

Yeah, well, you know... but just friends.

Attention, Pinkerton High.

Grab your wallets, 'cause we're having a fundraiser

to replace the bus that got broke before winter break.

Friday night in the gym. Bus drive.

- Wait. - Lily has a billion dollars

in medical bills and can barely walk,

and they're gonna raise money for the bus?

What?

- Nothing, I just... - I was getting a little worried.

I didn't recognize you until you got that whole

"RJ's gonna do something about this" look.

It's one of my personal favorites.

Good vacation, Max?

- It was awesome, dork. - I had a Max-tastic time.

Now I'm back, and I'm cooler than ever.

Listen up, tube steak, 'cause there's a new rule.

All freaks stay away from Jenny Swanson.

You the most.

- But you're dating - Robin Pretnar.

So how could you want Jenny back?

- I don't want her back. - But that doesn't mean

I'm gonna let her slum it with sub-Max losers.

Once you go Max, you never go backs.

That doesn't make any sense.

- And you tell your - Pillsbury life-mate butt buddy

that I haven't forgotten about the dance.

He's gonna get what's coming to him...

a grade-A ass kicking.

But with my fists.

- I just don't know what to do. - Lily's great as a friend,

but she wants more, and I want something else.

I guess I'm just having trouble shaking the guilt.

Oh, shake a little harder, bud.

You got to make you happy.

While you still can.

I think what Daddy's trying to say, RJ,

is just you got to follow your heart,

be true to yourself, you know?

And the truth may hurt like a bitch slap,

but it's better than living a lie.

Wow, that was actually really good advice.

Yeah, well, I've been watching a crap-load of Dr. Phillately.

Get the out of the way!

- You guys okay? - Yeah. Yeah.

Nothing a little, uh, smooth jazz won't fix.

"Lily Aid."

I'm gonna crash their stupid bus fundraiser

and raise my own fund for Lily's medical bills.

You're trying to get in her clam.

No, I've already been there, so...

Oh, no, God, no, not Lily's clam.

Ugh!

Jenny's clam! Dude, I get it!

Making Lily Aid's the best of both worlds.

You keep Lily happy while Jenny creams in her Uggs

for Mr. Sensitive.

No, that... that's not it at all, actually.

- Well, it should be. - It's genius.

You got to cash in those nice-guy points

- while you still can. - While I still can?

Dude, Jenny'll never buy this nice act from you again

if she finds out about you and Lily's...

comalingus.

Ugh.

Raising money for the bus but not the girl that it hit.

- Face it, RJ, - Lily kinda sucks.

This is so romantic.

Hey, it's Lily.

Hi.

- All right, fatty. - It's high noon.

- Wait. - It's only 10:30.

Don't get all mathy on me.

It's time for you to get your ass turned inside out

by my fist!

- What? - Ooh!

- Oh! - Ah!

Hey, God damn it!

Coach, thank God.

- The hell you doing, boy? - What?

- You my stallion. - I can't have my stallion

missing practice in detention for beating the diarrhea

out of some nobody.

He punched me in the balls at the dance, Coach.

- He deserves it. - Son, we all done got our nuts

busted at a dance.

- You want some fatty payback? - Yeah.

- Good. - Don't do it here.

Do it in the ring.

- For charity. - Huh?

- It's sumo wrestling. - You get in the ring

in a giant fat suit, and you fight.

It's violence, but it's funny,

so everybody think it's okay.

Sign up.

Ooh!

Testy testy.

Looks like someone misses her little Maxi Pad.

Just leave me alone, Max.

- Ooh, jealous? - No, I'm not jealous.

I just don't want anything to do with you.

Ooh!

I think you're realizing what a huge mistake you made,

but I'm not, 'cause Robin's a huge upgrade.

And guess what.

She didn't make me wait for everything to be perfect

like someone I know.

She spread faster than melted butter.

You think you're cool just 'cause you can get laid?

Guess what, I can get laid by anybody I want.

- Do whatever you want, babe. - It ain't gonna bother me.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Then she just kissed me, I mean, it was incredible.

- It was in front of everyone. - This is huge.

When I get popular, I'm gonna rule

with an iron fist.

- But what about Lily? - What about Lil...?

You're gonna head right up to that walking erector set

and you're gonna say, "We're through.

I'm on to pinker pastures."

I'd be stupid not to, right?

Uh, yeah.

- One week only. - No beatings from Max.

Just $20.

Get your popcorn, lemonade.

- Helping Lily. - What the hell is this?

We're raising money for Lily.

Got a better chance of raising money

for Haitian orphans at a klan rally.

Besides, ain't that girl dead, anyway?

I'm Lily.

Oh! Yeah.

Damn.

Bus really did a number on your face, huh?

My face is the same.

All right, Pinkerton High, it's fight time.

Saved by the bell.

RJ Berger is my boyfriend, and Miles gets his ass kicked.

- There is a god. - Lily, I really need to talk...

- Not now, lover. - Just remember later

I have my own "Lily-Ade,"

but it pours out realslow.

Pinkerton High, it's time for the main event.

In the red corner, my main man and yours,

Max Owens!

Tighten it up, baby.

Don't embarrass me out there.

I don't embarrass people.

I annihilate 'em.

- And in the blue corner, - Max's victim...

Miles...

- Jenner. - ...Jenner!

- Whoo! - That's...

- Thanks. - Hey, Coach,

is he wearing a suit or not?

I can't tell!

It's funny 'cause I'm fat.

Let the ass-whupping begin!

Oh!

Lily.

I want to watch this.

We need to talk.

You want to punch me in the balls?

This is bull crap.

He's used to being fat!

Next to Miles,

you are my best... and oldest friend.

I'll always be so happy we lost our virginity together.

Bring it, Miles!

Payback time!

And I care about you so much.

And I know you're thinking that I'm gonna be your boyfriend now,

but...

Take that!

Yeah, I got something for you.

That night...

I went to the dance...

with Jenny.

Oh, he's goin' to the ropes!

He's goin' on the ropes!

- You heartless, shallow... - I'm doing this, okay?

I have to take my shot with Jenny.

- We kissed that night... - You kissed her?

Aah!

Boom!

Max Owens kill shot!

Max! Max! Max! Max! Max! Max! Max! Max! Max!

- Oh. - Oh, my gosh.

RJ, are you okay?

- You're dead to me, - RJ Berger!

See if you like how it feels!

Well, looks like the start of another semester.

I hope she's okay.

She's okay?

She went King Kong in there and practically brained you

with one of her gimp sticks.

- And I deserved it. - Look.

You can't worry about Lily.

She's more machine now than man.

The only thing you need to worry about

is getting up in Jenny's guts.

Oh! Ugh!

You okay?

Hey, black eye and black sack.

There's more coming tomorrow.

Face it.

Chance of scoring with Jenny is about the only thing

you got going for you right now.

It's enough.

Yeah.

Mark my words, Wolverine.

This semester is all about Jenny Swanson.

Maybe life won't be one big crap sandwich after all.

Come in.

Hi, bud.

Uh, ahem, we need to talk.

- I-I do too. - I know I don't...

give you guys credit for being my most stable source

- of relationship advice... - RJ...

...but you guys have been amazing.

You were both really there for me, and I just...

want to say thank you.

RJ, uh...

Mommy and I are separating.

- What? - We're getting a divorce, RJ.

My name is RJ Berger, and, nope, I was right.

Crap sandwich.

Next on The Hard Times of RJ Berger...

Cousin Vinny's here to help us move.

- Ask her out. - I'd love to take you out.

All week you've been bitching and moaning

about this date. This is our answer.

- G.T.L.? - Gym, tan, laundry.

Disaster date is on.