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1
00:00:13,940 --> 00:00:14,985
Hammer it! Hammer it!
2
00:00:15,071 --> 00:00:16,855
Nail it, nail it!
3
00:00:16,940 --> 00:00:17,898
My name is RJ Berger.
4
00:00:17,984 --> 00:00:19,637
One nail!
5
00:00:19,721 --> 00:00:22,507
Every kid thinks
their parents are crazy
6
00:00:22,591 --> 00:00:25,594
or stupid or embarrassing...
7
00:00:27,243 --> 00:00:30,072
But mine
are literally killing me.
8
00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:33,419
- Oh!
- Ow! Son of a bitch!
9
00:00:33,502 --> 00:00:36,418
Could you guys maybe...
10
00:00:36,502 --> 00:00:38,243
knock it off
for one night?
11
00:00:38,328 --> 00:00:40,243
I have school
in the morning.
12
00:00:42,109 --> 00:00:43,894
What are you
talking about, bud?
13
00:00:43,979 --> 00:00:45,284
Mommy and I were just
hanging a picture.
14
00:00:45,369 --> 00:00:47,632
Look.
15
00:00:47,717 --> 00:00:52,113
I'm aware you're not capable
of being normal parents, but...
16
00:00:52,194 --> 00:00:54,283
just, um, keep the...
17
00:00:54,368 --> 00:00:56,588
whatever it is
you're doing down.
18
00:00:56,672 --> 00:00:58,456
Now, wait just a minute.
19
00:00:58,541 --> 00:01:00,239
What do you mean,
we can't be normal parents?
20
00:01:00,324 --> 00:01:03,675
Mom, there's a dude
I've never seen before
21
00:01:03,758 --> 00:01:04,977
standing behind
your armoire.
22
00:01:10,322 --> 00:01:11,845
Evening.
23
00:01:11,930 --> 00:01:13,758
That's what I mean...
24
00:01:13,843 --> 00:01:15,192
not normal.
25
00:01:16,798 --> 00:01:18,539
Teenagers.
26
00:01:28,667 --> 00:01:31,061
Hey, RJ.
27
00:01:31,145 --> 00:01:33,060
I came to school
naked today.
28
00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:36,275
- What?
- I said,
29
00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:38,145
"Is it cool if I can't
make it today?"
30
00:01:38,230 --> 00:01:40,275
You know,
our study-buddy session.
31
00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:43,537
Yeah. Um...
Yeah, that's fine.
32
00:01:43,620 --> 00:01:45,579
Yeah, we could... you know,
we'll do it some other night.
33
00:01:45,664 --> 00:01:47,796
Actually, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
34
00:01:47,881 --> 00:01:49,056
I don't think
I'm gonna be able to make it
35
00:01:49,141 --> 00:01:51,186
for at least a few weeks.
36
00:01:51,271 --> 00:01:54,318
Mrs. Bender offered me
the lead in the school musical.
37
00:01:54,401 --> 00:01:56,316
You're kidding.
38
00:01:56,401 --> 00:01:58,185
I mean...
39
00:01:58,270 --> 00:02:00,316
That's awesome for you.
40
00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:02,576
Thanks. Too bad you're not
doing it too.
41
00:02:02,661 --> 00:02:04,402
I mean, we totally
could've hung out
42
00:02:04,486 --> 00:02:05,661
and studied
during rehearsals.
43
00:02:05,747 --> 00:02:07,488
Yeah, I mean,
that would have been,
44
00:02:07,573 --> 00:02:09,140
uh, interesting.
45
00:02:09,225 --> 00:02:10,443
I totally would have auditioned,
46
00:02:10,528 --> 00:02:11,703
had I known, but I mean...
47
00:02:11,789 --> 00:02:13,139
why don't you?
48
00:02:13,224 --> 00:02:15,530
Auditions don't end
till tomorrow.
49
00:02:15,614 --> 00:02:18,661
Uh, I mean, I...
really... uh, no, I...
50
00:02:18,745 --> 00:02:20,442
- you know, I got something...
- Come on.
51
00:02:20,527 --> 00:02:22,660
All you got to do is get up
and read a few lines.
52
00:02:25,700 --> 00:02:29,095
A musical, RJ?
53
00:02:29,177 --> 00:02:30,570
You know what, dude?
Why don't you just hire
54
00:02:30,656 --> 00:02:32,832
a couple guys to fly planes
into our reputations?
55
00:02:32,916 --> 00:02:34,744
Okay, what else
would you like me to do?
56
00:02:34,829 --> 00:02:36,700
I mean, without our study dates,
57
00:02:36,785 --> 00:02:39,397
I don't have any reason
to be with her.
58
00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:42,613
Nice. How else
am I gonna win her over?
59
00:02:42,697 --> 00:02:46,440
Step one, don't let her see
you prance around in a leotard!
60
00:02:46,522 --> 00:02:48,785
You want her to spin around
on your fun stick,
61
00:02:48,870 --> 00:02:51,002
not take you
for a mani/pedi.
62
00:02:51,087 --> 00:02:54,047
You have to do something
manly in front of her.
63
00:02:54,130 --> 00:02:55,131
What do you mean, "manly"?
64
00:02:55,217 --> 00:02:57,393
You know, manly.
65
00:02:57,477 --> 00:02:58,391
Like grow a mustache
66
00:02:58,477 --> 00:03:00,218
or, uh...
67
00:03:00,303 --> 00:03:01,478
beat the piss out of some
random seventh grader.
68
00:03:01,563 --> 00:03:03,870
She's not gonna be into me
for beating up some kid.
69
00:03:03,955 --> 00:03:06,783
What? She goes out
with Max Owens!
70
00:03:06,867 --> 00:03:08,433
That guy's single-handedly
destroyed more kids
71
00:03:08,518 --> 00:03:10,477
than divorce!
72
00:03:10,562 --> 00:03:13,695
Look, people laugh at you for
just walking down the hall, RJ.
73
00:03:13,778 --> 00:03:16,129
Imagine what they'll do
if they see you dance.
74
00:03:19,429 --> 00:03:20,561
RJ!
75
00:03:20,647 --> 00:03:22,344
♪ Dinner ♪
76
00:03:23,994 --> 00:03:25,126
Hey.
77
00:03:27,298 --> 00:03:28,995
Just where do you think
you're going?
78
00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:30,429
To my room.
79
00:03:30,514 --> 00:03:31,994
Oh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh.
80
00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:33,908
No, tonight the three of us
81
00:03:33,992 --> 00:03:35,646
are going to have
a normal family dinner
82
00:03:35,731 --> 00:03:38,038
like normal families do.
83
00:03:38,123 --> 00:03:39,689
So you just throw
that fanny in reverse
84
00:03:39,774 --> 00:03:42,473
and park it.
85
00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:43,905
Oh, you heard your mother.
86
00:03:52,207 --> 00:03:55,427
So what's the, uh,
hiz-aps at school?
87
00:03:59,770 --> 00:04:01,642
Really?
88
00:04:01,727 --> 00:04:02,946
Come on, RJ.
Daddy's asking
89
00:04:03,031 --> 00:04:04,946
a perfectly normal question.
90
00:04:09,465 --> 00:04:11,597
Uh, okay, well, uh...
91
00:04:11,681 --> 00:04:13,466
I'm auditioning
92
00:04:13,551 --> 00:04:15,161
for the high-school
musical tomorrow.
93
00:04:15,246 --> 00:04:16,508
Look out.
That is fantastic.
94
00:04:16,593 --> 00:04:18,726
Well, excuse me,
Matthew Broderick!
95
00:04:18,811 --> 00:04:20,944
What's the play, bud?
96
00:04:21,028 --> 00:04:23,552
It's like...
it's an original p...
97
00:04:23,636 --> 00:04:25,899
it's like, uh... it's a mash-up
between West Side Story
98
00:04:25,983 --> 00:04:29,073
and... and... and Twilight.
99
00:04:29,157 --> 00:04:32,334
West Sideis one
of our favorites.
100
00:04:32,417 --> 00:04:33,810
But that's... that's
if I get a part.
101
00:04:33,895 --> 00:04:35,636
I'm not even gonna want
you guys to come.
102
00:04:35,721 --> 00:04:36,722
I'm sure it's gonna be...
103
00:04:36,808 --> 00:04:38,288
♪ I'm a Puerto Rican gal ♪
104
00:04:38,373 --> 00:04:39,983
♪ You're a handsome
white guy ♪
105
00:04:40,068 --> 00:04:41,113
♪ And a'something,
something else ♪
106
00:04:41,198 --> 00:04:43,026
- Mom...
- ♪ And we can't be
107
00:04:43,111 --> 00:04:44,460
♪ Together 'cause our
gang's got a beef ♪
108
00:04:44,546 --> 00:04:45,982
- Dad!
- ♪ There's some fighting ♪
109
00:04:46,067 --> 00:04:47,721
- ♪ And some dancing ♪
- ♪ I get stabbed ♪
110
00:04:47,806 --> 00:04:49,025
- ♪ And maybe I get killed ♪
- ♪ Oh! ♪
111
00:04:49,110 --> 00:04:50,851
♪ And I'm crying
over your dead body ♪
112
00:04:50,936 --> 00:04:51,850
♪ I sing a big song and then
we start to make out ♪
113
00:04:53,109 --> 00:04:54,110
Next!
114
00:04:55,413 --> 00:04:57,067
You crazy, man?
115
00:04:57,152 --> 00:04:59,763
Nobody can Tokyo Drift...
116
00:04:59,848 --> 00:05:03,503
Better thanme!
117
00:05:03,585 --> 00:05:04,848
Next.
118
00:05:08,107 --> 00:05:10,326
♪ Sunshine and lemonade ♪
119
00:05:10,410 --> 00:05:14,284
♪ With kittens
and rainbows ♪
120
00:05:14,367 --> 00:05:15,585
Next.
121
00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:21,062
Next!
122
00:05:23,234 --> 00:05:25,367
Oh, come on, people!
123
00:05:25,451 --> 00:05:28,236
Isn't there someone here with
an ounce of natural talent?
124
00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:31,106
Who's next?
125
00:05:31,190 --> 00:05:32,626
You're up. Come on!
126
00:05:43,491 --> 00:05:45,189
"She's the most beautiful girl
127
00:05:45,274 --> 00:05:46,710
"I've ever... seen.
128
00:05:46,795 --> 00:05:48,057
"Every morning when I...
129
00:05:48,143 --> 00:05:51,364
when I go to sleep,
it's her I dream about."
130
00:05:51,447 --> 00:05:54,145
No, no, no!
131
00:05:54,229 --> 00:05:56,753
It's about passion, okay?
132
00:05:56,838 --> 00:06:01,277
About a boy who loves a girl
with every ounce of his being.
133
00:06:01,358 --> 00:06:04,883
Loves her so much, it hurts.
134
00:06:04,966 --> 00:06:08,404
Ever felt that way about
a girl, uh...
135
00:06:08,487 --> 00:06:09,662
Arj Berjay?
136
00:06:09,747 --> 00:06:11,532
Uh, it's... it's R...
137
00:06:11,617 --> 00:06:13,227
That kind of burning love?
138
00:06:13,312 --> 00:06:14,879
A burning love
139
00:06:14,964 --> 00:06:16,836
that couldn't be consummated.
140
00:06:16,921 --> 00:06:17,878
Hmm?
141
00:06:22,745 --> 00:06:24,008
Yes.
142
00:06:24,094 --> 00:06:25,747
Again.
143
00:06:29,788 --> 00:06:33,705
"She's the most beautiful girl
I've ever seen.
144
00:06:33,787 --> 00:06:36,485
"Every morning,
when I go to sleep,
145
00:06:36,569 --> 00:06:39,746
"it's her I dream about.
146
00:06:39,830 --> 00:06:42,223
"And every time
she walks by me, it's...
147
00:06:42,307 --> 00:06:44,788
"it's like the sun goes down.
148
00:06:44,872 --> 00:06:48,789
"But like the sun...
149
00:06:48,872 --> 00:06:52,267
"she turns me to ashes,
150
00:06:52,349 --> 00:06:56,266
"because I don't belong
in her world.
151
00:06:56,349 --> 00:06:59,439
"She sees right through me.
152
00:06:59,522 --> 00:07:03,743
"I am...
153
00:07:03,826 --> 00:07:05,828
undead to her."
154
00:07:10,955 --> 00:07:13,436
I found my leading man!
155
00:07:16,085 --> 00:07:17,216
Arj!
156
00:07:19,475 --> 00:07:22,522
The lead in
the high-school musical, RJ?
157
00:07:22,605 --> 00:07:24,041
The lead?
158
00:07:24,126 --> 00:07:25,475
I-I wasn't trying
159
00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:26,866
to get the lead, you know.
160
00:07:26,952 --> 00:07:28,084
It just sort of...
it happened.
161
00:07:28,169 --> 00:07:30,345
I-I got up there,
162
00:07:30,430 --> 00:07:31,953
and... and I was, like...
I was thinking about Jenny.
163
00:07:32,038 --> 00:07:33,648
It was weird,
and it just...
164
00:07:33,733 --> 00:07:35,126
it just sort of came out.
165
00:07:35,211 --> 00:07:37,213
Yeah. May I remind you
what came out
166
00:07:37,298 --> 00:07:39,083
last time
you did a school play?
167
00:07:42,297 --> 00:07:45,083
First up, we have
Johnny as the rose.
168
00:07:45,166 --> 00:07:47,081
I'm a rose,
and I smell pretty.
169
00:07:50,252 --> 00:07:53,124
Next up, we have Timmy
as a blade of grass.
170
00:07:53,208 --> 00:07:55,123
I'm a blade of grass,
171
00:07:55,208 --> 00:07:58,168
and I feel tickly
on bare feet.
172
00:07:58,251 --> 00:08:01,428
As our dewdrop,
we have Sally.
173
00:08:03,076 --> 00:08:04,729
I'm a drop of dew,
174
00:08:04,815 --> 00:08:07,121
and I help
all the plants grow.
175
00:08:07,206 --> 00:08:10,035
And lastly, we have
RJ as the daffodil.
176
00:08:10,118 --> 00:08:12,033
I'm a daffodil,
177
00:08:12,118 --> 00:08:14,207
and I...
178
00:08:14,291 --> 00:08:16,598
Oh!
179
00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:20,641
I hate the daffodil!
180
00:08:25,073 --> 00:08:26,422
A lot's changed
since then.
181
00:08:26,507 --> 00:08:28,596
Yeah, your poops
have gotten bigger.
182
00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:31,944
All right, I know bad ideas
and this, this is a bad idea.
183
00:08:32,027 --> 00:08:34,813
Hey, RJ.
184
00:08:34,897 --> 00:08:37,073
Great audition yesterday.
185
00:08:37,157 --> 00:08:39,246
Thanks.
186
00:08:39,331 --> 00:08:42,769
Maybe we could meet
after school sometime...
187
00:08:42,852 --> 00:08:45,333
run lines?
188
00:08:45,417 --> 00:08:47,941
Yeah, um...
189
00:08:48,025 --> 00:08:50,941
I'd love t-to do
that with you.
190
00:08:51,024 --> 00:08:52,809
Well, I'll see you
at rehearsal.
191
00:08:56,806 --> 00:09:00,461
Okay. Control, alt, delete
everything I just said.
192
00:09:07,369 --> 00:09:10,111
That's it.
Deep stretches.
193
00:09:10,195 --> 00:09:12,807
Feel yourself becoming one
with the stage.
194
00:09:12,890 --> 00:09:15,980
Now, I want you all
to listen closely.
195
00:09:16,064 --> 00:09:19,589
Girls don't want Shakespeare
unless DiCaprio goes shirtless.
196
00:09:19,671 --> 00:09:24,110
Boys don't want Jane Austen
unless there are zombies in it.
197
00:09:24,192 --> 00:09:26,629
Kids want mash-ups.
They want sex.
198
00:09:26,713 --> 00:09:29,368
And this year,
we're going to give them both.
199
00:09:29,452 --> 00:09:32,325
Vamp Side Storyis a tale
of forbidden love
200
00:09:32,409 --> 00:09:34,672
and hard-bodied vampires.
201
00:09:34,756 --> 00:09:36,366
It's a show that demands
202
00:09:36,451 --> 00:09:38,671
intensity and passion.
203
00:09:38,755 --> 00:09:41,627
This is especially true
of our beautiful Mary
204
00:09:41,711 --> 00:09:44,062
played by Jenny Swanson
205
00:09:44,146 --> 00:09:48,367
and our naturally pale
vampire Anthony
206
00:09:48,449 --> 00:09:50,887
played by Arj Berjay.
207
00:09:50,971 --> 00:09:52,624
- I... it's R...
- In the end...
208
00:09:52,709 --> 00:09:54,581
their love will triumph,
209
00:09:54,665 --> 00:09:56,275
and their lips will meet
210
00:09:56,360 --> 00:10:00,277
in a final,
tragically deep kiss.
211
00:10:00,356 --> 00:10:03,751
Wait. We kiss?
212
00:10:03,751 --> 00:10:05,666
Places, please!
Places, everyone!
213
00:10:08,794 --> 00:10:12,667
So you finally get
to swap spit with Jenny Swanson.
214
00:10:14,314 --> 00:10:16,229
A little intimidating, no?
215
00:10:16,314 --> 00:10:18,229
Uh, shut up, Lily.
216
00:10:18,314 --> 00:10:20,055
What? I'm just saying.
217
00:10:20,139 --> 00:10:22,924
If I finally got to kiss
the girl of my dreams,
218
00:10:23,008 --> 00:10:25,315
I'd be terrified
of screwing it up.
219
00:10:25,399 --> 00:10:27,140
If you're trying
to get into my head, I...
220
00:10:27,225 --> 00:10:29,009
It's not your head
I wanna get into.
221
00:10:29,094 --> 00:10:30,922
- Lily...
- You only get one chance
222
00:10:31,007 --> 00:10:32,226
to make a first impression.
223
00:10:32,311 --> 00:10:35,488
And let's be honest, Arj.
224
00:10:35,571 --> 00:10:38,182
You haven't much experience
in the spit-swapping department.
225
00:10:38,266 --> 00:10:40,051
So?
226
00:10:40,136 --> 00:10:44,140
So say you get up there
and gum at her like a caveman
227
00:10:44,222 --> 00:10:46,354
with a turkey leg?
228
00:10:46,439 --> 00:10:49,703
You'll be kissing the girl
of your dreams good-bye.
229
00:10:49,787 --> 00:10:53,573
If you want to practice,
230
00:10:53,655 --> 00:10:55,788
my mouth is open 24-7.
231
00:11:09,565 --> 00:11:11,175
So you're the one
who taught RJ
232
00:11:11,260 --> 00:11:13,219
everything he knows
about acting.
233
00:11:13,304 --> 00:11:14,609
So what's your technique?
234
00:11:14,694 --> 00:11:15,826
How do you, like,
take someone
235
00:11:15,912 --> 00:11:17,696
and turn them
into a great actor?
236
00:11:17,782 --> 00:11:21,089
I take a hands-on
approach, Renee, um,
237
00:11:21,172 --> 00:11:23,131
but to be honest with you,
238
00:11:23,215 --> 00:11:25,521
they have to have
a certain amount of...
239
00:11:25,606 --> 00:11:27,391
natural talent.
240
00:11:27,475 --> 00:11:31,087
But what I do is
is I take that talent, and...
241
00:11:31,170 --> 00:11:32,519
and I... and I mold it.
242
00:11:32,604 --> 00:11:34,215
You know,
I-I-I squeeze it
243
00:11:34,300 --> 00:11:37,216
until it's five or six times
244
00:11:37,300 --> 00:11:39,215
bigger than it was.
245
00:11:39,300 --> 00:11:41,693
Do you think
I have enough natural talent
246
00:11:41,778 --> 00:11:43,867
to be molded?
247
00:11:43,951 --> 00:11:45,735
I think you could be
248
00:11:45,820 --> 00:11:47,213
the next Salma Hayek.
249
00:11:56,644 --> 00:11:58,994
Kiss my cold lips.
250
00:11:59,078 --> 00:12:01,515
I promise...
251
00:12:01,599 --> 00:12:02,644
I won't bite.
252
00:12:02,730 --> 00:12:04,253
And scene!
253
00:12:04,338 --> 00:12:06,253
Beautiful, Arj!
254
00:12:06,338 --> 00:12:09,602
- Absolutely beautiful.
- Mrs. Bender?
255
00:12:09,685 --> 00:12:12,166
- Yes, my love.
- Um, well, you know,
256
00:12:12,250 --> 00:12:14,296
I was just wondering,
you know, it's opening night
257
00:12:14,380 --> 00:12:16,164
tomorrow night, and...
258
00:12:16,249 --> 00:12:18,382
we really haven't, you know,
worked out the whole, uh...
259
00:12:18,467 --> 00:12:20,208
the... the kiss.
260
00:12:20,292 --> 00:12:23,164
Yeah, RJ's right.
It's the climax
261
00:12:23,248 --> 00:12:24,336
and we haven't
even rehearsed it.
262
00:12:24,422 --> 00:12:27,425
You never rehearse
the first kiss.
263
00:12:27,508 --> 00:12:29,162
You don't.
264
00:12:29,247 --> 00:12:32,033
It has to be fresh.
265
00:12:32,116 --> 00:12:35,989
You need to feel your way
into each other.
266
00:12:36,072 --> 00:12:38,771
When I see you kiss up there,
267
00:12:38,855 --> 00:12:41,205
I want to see
that discovery.
268
00:12:41,289 --> 00:12:43,291
I want tofeel
269
00:12:43,375 --> 00:12:44,898
that sensuality.
270
00:12:44,983 --> 00:12:46,855
I want to taste
that saliva.
271
00:12:48,201 --> 00:12:50,116
From the top!
272
00:13:07,545 --> 00:13:08,851
Hey.
273
00:13:08,936 --> 00:13:10,198
- Hey.
- Listen,
274
00:13:10,284 --> 00:13:11,764
I know what Mrs. Bender said,
275
00:13:11,849 --> 00:13:13,894
but I was thinking maybe
we could rehearse everything,
276
00:13:13,978 --> 00:13:15,675
you know, just leading up
to the kiss,
277
00:13:15,761 --> 00:13:18,502
just so you don't go
this way, and I go that way.
278
00:13:18,586 --> 00:13:20,719
Um... now... now?
279
00:13:20,803 --> 00:13:22,370
Yeah. Here.
280
00:13:22,455 --> 00:13:23,499
Lie down.
281
00:13:23,585 --> 00:13:25,196
Okay.
282
00:13:25,281 --> 00:13:26,586
- Um, so...
- You're gonna...
283
00:13:26,671 --> 00:13:28,021
- Right. Okay, do this.
- Grab my hand like that.
284
00:13:28,107 --> 00:13:30,239
Pull me in.
Pull me close.
285
00:13:30,323 --> 00:13:32,673
And then I'll lean in like this.
286
00:13:32,758 --> 00:13:34,237
- Uh-huh.
- Okay, now,
287
00:13:34,322 --> 00:13:35,106
put your arm around me
like that, does that feel okay?
288
00:13:35,192 --> 00:13:36,671
- Mm-hmm, that's really...
- Okay.
289
00:13:36,758 --> 00:13:38,716
And then I'll lean in
like this...
290
00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:40,497
and that's when we'll kiss.
291
00:13:40,582 --> 00:13:42,497
- That's when we kiss.
- That felt okay, right?
292
00:13:42,582 --> 00:13:43,888
- Yeah, that felt awesome.
- Okay, good.
293
00:13:43,973 --> 00:13:45,366
That felt really, really good.
294
00:13:45,451 --> 00:13:47,061
- Great. See you out there.
- See you out there.
295
00:13:47,146 --> 00:13:49,627
- Break a leg.
- Okay. Break legs, baby.
296
00:13:52,059 --> 00:13:54,540
Bro, it is a packed house
out there.
297
00:13:54,624 --> 00:13:56,539
You pull this off,
and you're gonna have
298
00:13:56,623 --> 00:13:59,452
Jenny Swanson costarring
in your underwear!
299
00:13:59,536 --> 00:14:02,191
Hey, Miles, I, uh, I ca...
I can't kiss Jenny onstage.
300
00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:04,146
What? Come on, come on, man,
hey, hey, hey.
301
00:14:04,230 --> 00:14:05,492
Opening night jitters, man.
302
00:14:05,578 --> 00:14:07,537
Shake it out.
Shake it out, all right?
303
00:14:07,621 --> 00:14:09,841
You're gonna do great.
All right? Hey, what was
304
00:14:09,926 --> 00:14:12,667
Jenny Swanson doing
in he...
305
00:14:12,751 --> 00:14:16,842
dude... why are you harboring
a midget in your leotard?
306
00:14:16,924 --> 00:14:19,665
Miles, I got a big problem.
307
00:14:27,531 --> 00:14:29,707
I can't go out there, Miles!
308
00:14:29,791 --> 00:14:31,793
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
309
00:14:31,878 --> 00:14:33,271
Let's not panic.
Let's just think about
310
00:14:33,356 --> 00:14:34,749
something that'll tame
that tiger.
311
00:14:34,834 --> 00:14:36,009
- Don't look at it!
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
312
00:14:36,095 --> 00:14:37,400
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Thank you.
313
00:14:37,485 --> 00:14:38,791
Shh, shh, shh.
Let's think about something
314
00:14:38,877 --> 00:14:40,923
- like... ah, God...
- Like what?
315
00:14:41,007 --> 00:14:43,096
- Like... like homework!
- Ah...
316
00:14:43,181 --> 00:14:44,530
- Dog... dogfighting circles.
- Mmm, no.
317
00:14:44,615 --> 00:14:46,051
Okay, O-Oprah's feet.
318
00:14:46,136 --> 00:14:47,268
Oh, I kind of like oprah.
319
00:14:47,354 --> 00:14:49,095
Uh, the Jonas Brothers.
320
00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:51,095
I can't, I can't.
I can't, I can't.
321
00:14:51,179 --> 00:14:53,442
Hold on, hold on.
Did you... did you, uh,
322
00:14:53,526 --> 00:14:54,832
- self-serve?
- No! Shh.
323
00:14:54,918 --> 00:14:56,484
Twice today, already, yeah.
324
00:14:56,569 --> 00:14:58,833
All right, look.
Okay, look, ready?
325
00:14:58,917 --> 00:14:59,961
Look at these things.
This is gross.
326
00:15:00,047 --> 00:15:01,353
This is a major
boner killer right here.
327
00:15:01,438 --> 00:15:03,048
Okay, stop, stop!
328
00:15:03,133 --> 00:15:05,527
That's awful. That's awful.
329
00:15:05,611 --> 00:15:08,266
Look, he's smart, okay?
330
00:15:08,350 --> 00:15:09,655
And he knows what's going on.
331
00:15:09,741 --> 00:15:11,786
And he knows we're kissing
Jenny Swanson tonight.
332
00:15:11,871 --> 00:15:13,917
He's not gonna go away.
333
00:15:14,001 --> 00:15:15,567
I-I can't do it, I can't do it!
334
00:15:15,652 --> 00:15:17,002
- I can't do it!
- Dude!
335
00:15:17,088 --> 00:15:18,611
- Pull yourself together!
- Okay, okay!
336
00:15:18,696 --> 00:15:20,437
I got six hot girls
out there waiting to hop
337
00:15:20,522 --> 00:15:21,697
on my casting couch, okay?
338
00:15:21,782 --> 00:15:23,479
There's too much riding on this!
339
00:15:23,564 --> 00:15:24,609
- I'm sorry!
- Let's...
340
00:15:24,695 --> 00:15:25,827
Hey!
341
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:30,652
Let me see that thing.
342
00:15:38,997 --> 00:15:40,694
♪ Vamp ♪
343
00:15:40,779 --> 00:15:43,086
♪ Vamp ♪
344
00:15:43,170 --> 00:15:44,475
♪ Vamp ♪
345
00:15:50,256 --> 00:15:52,040
♪ When you're a vamp,
you're a vamp, yes, sirree ♪
346
00:15:52,125 --> 00:15:53,126
♪ From your first sip
of blood ♪
347
00:15:53,211 --> 00:15:54,604
♪ To the cemetery ♪
348
00:15:57,342 --> 00:16:00,693
♪ Vamp side story ♪
349
00:16:00,775 --> 00:16:02,777
♪ Vamp side story, aah! ♪
350
00:16:02,862 --> 00:16:04,646
No!
351
00:16:04,732 --> 00:16:07,647
♪ Vamp side story ♪
352
00:16:07,731 --> 00:16:09,123
♪ Vamp side story ♪
353
00:16:09,209 --> 00:16:10,994
Good job, good job.
354
00:16:11,078 --> 00:16:12,514
You sure you don't want
to eat my face a little
355
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,602
- before your big scene?
- Lily.
356
00:16:14,686 --> 00:16:15,731
Okay, okay, fine.
357
00:16:15,817 --> 00:16:17,383
But at least take my advice...
358
00:16:17,468 --> 00:16:18,818
easy on the teeth
359
00:16:18,903 --> 00:16:20,774
and avoid choking her
with your tongue.
360
00:16:25,902 --> 00:16:27,338
Oh, my gosh.
You're doing so great.
361
00:16:27,423 --> 00:16:29,991
You're doing amazing.
362
00:16:30,075 --> 00:16:31,163
Oh, my gosh.
I love the choice.
363
00:16:31,249 --> 00:16:33,338
- My choice?
- Yes.
364
00:16:33,422 --> 00:16:34,771
Your limp,
365
00:16:34,856 --> 00:16:35,988
from the fight with bernie?
366
00:16:36,074 --> 00:16:37,640
So smart.
367
00:16:37,726 --> 00:16:38,988
I know, right? Yeah.
368
00:16:39,074 --> 00:16:40,162
- So...
- Next number's up, people.
369
00:16:40,247 --> 00:16:42,553
So...
370
00:16:42,637 --> 00:16:44,422
Oh, that's my cue.
371
00:16:44,507 --> 00:16:45,551
I'll see you at the climax.
372
00:16:45,637 --> 00:16:47,988
Yeah, okay.
373
00:16:49,506 --> 00:16:50,942
Die, vamp!
374
00:16:51,027 --> 00:16:52,246
Oh!
375
00:16:52,332 --> 00:16:54,160
Oh, no!
376
00:16:57,244 --> 00:16:59,899
Yeah!
Let's roll!
377
00:17:09,763 --> 00:17:13,201
Kiss my cold lips.
378
00:17:13,284 --> 00:17:16,331
I will not bite...
379
00:17:16,415 --> 00:17:19,810
for I've already been bitten...
380
00:17:19,893 --> 00:17:20,807
by love.
381
00:17:38,106 --> 00:17:39,978
Oh my God!
He's pitching a tent!
382
00:17:48,278 --> 00:17:49,323
He's got
a wooden stake in his shorts!
383
00:17:53,495 --> 00:17:56,324
He's got a boner!
384
00:17:59,450 --> 00:18:01,888
Yo, Berger!
You suck.
385
00:18:01,972 --> 00:18:04,148
All-new low
for RJ Berger.
386
00:18:04,233 --> 00:18:06,409
Killed the play.
Hi. Yeah.
387
00:18:06,493 --> 00:18:10,149
Ruined your chance with six
very naughty-looking girls.
388
00:18:10,231 --> 00:18:12,363
- Yep.
- I'm a walking disaster.
389
00:18:12,448 --> 00:18:14,015
Hey, look at the bright side.
390
00:18:14,100 --> 00:18:15,798
You brought down
the curtain early,
391
00:18:15,883 --> 00:18:18,146
which is good, 'cause
that play totally sucked ball...
392
00:18:19,751 --> 00:18:21,318
Oh, man.
393
00:18:27,881 --> 00:18:29,752
Next time I have an idea
like this, just...
394
00:18:29,836 --> 00:18:31,490
- Come on, man.
- Blow my brains out.
395
00:18:31,575 --> 00:18:33,795
- No!
- Hey, RJ.
396
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,143
Hi. Um, can I talk to you
alone for a minute?
397
00:18:38,530 --> 00:18:42,317
I owe you an apology, RJ,
398
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:44,750
for last night.
399
00:18:44,834 --> 00:18:48,185
I shouldn't have
freaked out like that.
400
00:18:48,268 --> 00:18:50,836
It was just, um...
401
00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:52,835
it was just a little...
surprising.
402
00:18:52,919 --> 00:18:57,271
You're apologizing?
403
00:18:57,353 --> 00:18:58,703
I'm the one
who ruined the show.
404
00:18:58,788 --> 00:19:00,659
No, it was not your fault.
405
00:19:00,744 --> 00:19:02,964
We should have rehearsed it.
406
00:19:05,656 --> 00:19:07,919
You were good, RJ.
407
00:19:08,004 --> 00:19:09,919
You were really good.
408
00:19:13,742 --> 00:19:15,309
No matter what anyone says,
409
00:19:15,394 --> 00:19:16,700
they can't take that
away from you.
410
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,872
I don't want to talk
about it.
411
00:19:29,957 --> 00:19:33,003
You don't have to. We have
something to say to you...
412
00:19:33,086 --> 00:19:35,872
- No, seriously...
- You were right, RJ.
413
00:19:38,129 --> 00:19:40,174
We're not the world's
most normal parents.
414
00:19:40,259 --> 00:19:42,392
But then again,
you're not a normal kid.
415
00:19:44,258 --> 00:19:46,434
You're extraordinary.
416
00:19:46,518 --> 00:19:48,869
And we couldn't be more proud.
417
00:19:50,301 --> 00:19:52,085
Thanks, guys.
418
00:19:52,170 --> 00:19:54,085
No problem, bud.
419
00:19:54,169 --> 00:19:55,518
Love you.
420
00:20:01,820 --> 00:20:04,257
My name is RJ Berger.
421
00:20:04,341 --> 00:20:07,562
Yes, my parents
are crazy and stupid
422
00:20:07,646 --> 00:20:09,213
and embarrassing...
423
00:20:11,427 --> 00:20:14,822
That's it!
Nail it! Harder!
424
00:20:14,905 --> 00:20:16,646
- Hammer!
- ...But they're my parents.
425
00:20:16,731 --> 00:20:18,341
Right there! Aah!
426
00:20:18,426 --> 00:20:20,994
Next on The Hard Times
of RJ Berger...
427
00:20:21,078 --> 00:20:24,299
I just got invited
to Jenny Swanson's Sweet 16.
428
00:20:24,382 --> 00:20:26,123
I'd be embarrassed to show up
without a kick-ass gift.
429
00:20:26,208 --> 00:20:28,036
I need $300 by
the end of the week.
430
00:20:28,121 --> 00:20:29,949
You should go see
Bill and Linda Robbins.
431
00:20:30,033 --> 00:20:32,470
RJ, I didn't know
you were handy.
432
00:20:36,119 --> 00:20:37,555
You can't go
anywhere without
433
00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:39,468
- your gift.
- Whoa!
434
00:20:39,553 --> 00:20:41,163
You are wearing a bathrobe!
435
00:20:41,248 --> 00:20:42,772
Not for long.
436
00:20:42,857 --> 00:20:45,424
What the hell
is going on here?
30124
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