Original subtitles

Previously on The Hard Times of RJ Berger.

My name is RJ Berger.

Nature made me scrawny and weird-looking,

awkward and pale.

It gave me embarrassing parents...

I walked in on him masturbating this morning.

A girl that's been stalking me since kindergarten...

Anytime, any place,

any orifice.

And a best friend who's obsessed with being popular.

Our objective is clear. Get people to like us.

Nature made me a loser.

That's how a man smells, bitch.

And that would have been fine except...

It's okay, at least he's got his jock strap.

Looks like a goddamn Buick Regal.

Now the whole school knows about my not-so-little secret.

- We're saved. - I'm soaked.

me.

You asshole!

I can't believe you never told me!

You have something that every guy in school would kill for.

Jenny Swanson. Every year...

You think she can't get any hotter.

Now I'm study buddies with the girl of my dreams.

And her boyfriend does not like that.

So the big Lipski test.

You ever talk to her again, I'll kill you.

- Let's bounce, man. - No.

Nature did a lot of things...

That's how a man smells, bitch.

I'll email you tomorrow.

"The building blocks of DNA molecules

are nucleotides which consist of a phosphate..."

I always forget that one.

Number four, true or false?

"The DNA double helix is a spiral polymer

of nucleotides."

That is 100% true. Ow!

Well, well, how are my two

favorite study buddies doing?

That's enough, Max. We're studying.

Really?

Oh, I'm sorry for interrupting.

Patterson and I will just take a seat over there.

I'll see you around, buddy.

- Beat it, dork. - You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Just a little hard to concentrate

with my executioners in attendance.

Listen, RJ, don't worry about Max.

I had a long talk with him, and he promised me

that he'd leave you alone from now on.

I feel better already.

I heard you smeared your ball sweat across Max Owens' face.

Not now, Kevin.

You shoot me an email if you need a new study buddy.

Something tells me this one ain't

gonna be around much longer.

My name is RJ Berger,

and being a loser has never felt so lonely.

♪ Hey!

I'm telling you, bro,

sophomore year is already kicking freshman year's ass.

See the way those chicks looked at me?

Yeah, they looked at you like you were a guy in a van

- offering them candy. - Yeah!

And last year they wouldn't even make eye contact with me.

I'm telling you, man, this year is looking up.

♪ For a good ole time

Great, now I gotta look at that tool bag's face

- in-between class. - Yep.

I swear to God, this school's a joke.

The hygiene club stopped stocking maxi pads

in the girls' bathroom,

and there's a vampire buffet in my panties.

Oh, nope, yeah.

Yeah, I just vomited in my mouth.

- One, two, three, lift. - What the hell

are the wood shop kids doing to the handi-ramp?

First of all, it's the carpentry club.

The wood shop kids are a bunch of assholes

who make bird feeders.

And for your information, we're dismantling the ramp

for scrap wood since the student government association

was kind enough to cut our budget

like a circ saw through pine.

Yeah, but what about kids like Kevin Stern

who need to go up and down the stairs?

Not my problem.

- Not your problem? - Who cares?

I can't wait to see that lazy prick

crawling up and down on his hands and knees.

See, best year ever.

Oh, come on, you gotta be kidding me.

Come on, you ancient piece of...

I lost 20 hours of work

because the computer club

can't afford machines built this century.

Where the hell are the new desktops

we were supposed to get this semester?

You want to know where they are?

Max and Patterson are wearing 'em.

♪ Tell me how you like that ♪

♪ Girl you know I like that ♪

♪ Yeah shake it for me more

Well, what do you mean?

The student government association

just awarded a whole ass-load of money to the athletic club

so they can get new equipment and workout gear.

Well, why couldn't they find more money

to give to the computer club?

Dude, Max Owens is the president of the SGA.

You want money, you gotta convince him

to give it to you first.

So in conclusion, the drama club

is requesting $500 for new sets

for our upcoming production of

A Streetcar Named the Fast and the Furious.

And what happened to the old sets?

The carpentry club dismantled them

for scrap wood.

So what do you say, babe?

Well, first of all, I would like to say

- you look hot. - Thank you.

And you know I'd give you anything.

- Mm-hmm. - But...

SGA is totally out of money this year

due to the athletic club's equipment emergency.

But it's only 500...

I love you, babe, but request denied.

Next!

He turned down Jenny.

Maybe they really are broke.

SGA will now hear a petition from Coach Sinclair.

Coach?

Um, good afternoon, gentlemen.

The athletic club needs an additional

emergency appropriation in the amount of, uh,

$1,445.50.

Those are betting slips from the dog track.

- Are you sure? - Dude, I find, like,

50 of them stuffed in my dad's pockets

every time I do his laundry.

What are these expenses for, Coach?

Um... miscellaneous.

Request approved.

- What? - Are you serious?

Trifecta.

Next up, RJ Berger

from the computer club.

Good afternoon.

It was 1975, and the Homebrew Computer Club

in Menlo Park, California had a new member,

a young upstart who had a dream of building

a computer that everyone could use.

That upstart's name was Steve Jobs.

Request denied!

I didn't ask for anything yet.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Go ahead, uh... ask.

The computer club would like some...

- The computer club... - Request denied.

Honestly, I'm not quite sure how you can sit there

with a straight face like that.

You have money for these tracksuits.

You just gave the coach $1,400

to cover his track losses.

I said request denied, tripod!

How can you justify...

Don't make us bang this gavel on your face, Berger.

On your face!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

You gave it a shot, okay?

Now I would have opened with a joke, but that's just me.

Miles, this is bull[bleep]! Why does Max Owens

get to control the school money?

Because he's attractive and mean?

Look, let's get some lunch. You'll feel better.

No, dude, it's not all right.

Dude, in two weeks this will be nothing but a memory.

None of this will matter.

Dude, I'm tired of being Max Owens' bitch.

You know, someone needs to stand up to that guy and...

Hey.

I'm gonna run for SGA president.

Are you crazy?

Dude, things are just starting to look up for us.

Don't rock the boat by taking on

the most popular guy on campus.

There's a reason he's running unopposed, RJ.

He's unbeatable!

No one's unbeatable, Miles.

Oh, yeah? Show me one person besides me

who'd vote for you over Max Owens, just one.

That guy.

All right, if I'm gonna have a chance at beating Max,

I'm gonna need, like, a catchy slogan.

You know, something that differentiates me from him.

All right.

"RJ Berger, terrible at sports."

How 'bout, "RJ Berger.

He'll stuff your ballot box"?

All right, um, let's forget slogans for now.

Um, how do I win this?

I don't think you're willing to go all the way, RJ.

I don't think you're willing to do what it takes to win!

Yes, I'm... I'm, I'm ready

and willing to do whatever it takes.

Assassinate Max, military coup style.

No, no. Come on, Miles, guys.

I want to win this election.

Then I suggest changing your name to Max Owens.

As much as it pains me to admit this,

Miles is right.

The SGA election is a popularity contest.

It's a suicide mission.

Dude, you guy... you guys are wrong.

For every Max Owens, there's ten of us.

You know, guys like Max only stay in power

because they convince us that we're not as important

as the top 10%, but we are.

All we need to do is just rally the other 90%,

and then all we need to do

is run a clean campaign on morals and issues,

and we could win this thing!

Yes!

♪ Hey ladies

♪ You wanna get it started

♪ Hey ladies

♪ Oh, you the party

♪ Hey, if you're the party I'm gonna get at you ♪

♪ Hey, if you're the party I'm gonna get at you ♪

♪ Hey, if you're the party I'm gonna get at you ♪

Great. Now what do we do?

♪ Hey, if you're the party I'm gonna get at you ♪

♪ Hey, if you're the party I'm gonna get at you ♪

Thank you, thank you. Vote for Max.

Hey, RJ.

Oh, my God, my balls just exploded.

Dude, is that your dad?

Oh, Jesus.

- Dad. - Hey, RJ, what's up, bud?

What are you doing here?

Oh, well, you know, they missed a spot again.

Again?

How many times have you been through?

Um, this is my fourth time.

And I gotta tell you, RJ,

your girls are not very thorough.

But God bless them,

they really put their backs into it.

Okay, Dad, seriously, you've got to leave

or I'm gonna tell Mom.

Mom? Mom's five cars back.

Oh, God...

Oh, come...

Face it, RJ, you can't compete with this amount of ass.

You know, if life's taught me anything,

it's this. Give up.

Miles, I'm not giving up.

some people look at us

and a word comes to mind.

Yeah, losers.

Thank you, Coach.

Okay, maybe we're losers.

But why are we losers?

Is it because we suck at sports?

Is it because our parents

are our only friends on Facebook? No!

What makes us losers

is that we believe we are losers.

Max Owens runs unopposed every year.

You know why?

Because we accept when he says

that he is cooler than we are.

Because we accept it when he puts his priorities

before our priorities.

Chess Club, why should you have to dig

your chess pieces out of the garbage?

Because the SGA took your funding away.

And let me ask you this. Why did the Carpentry Club

scavenge your set pieces

and Kevin Stern's handi-ramp for lumber?

Because the SGA took your funding away!

We can do better than Max Owens!

- Yes, we can! - Yes, we can!

And we will, if you let me serve you.

Yes, Max Owens is cool, but if being cool

is stealing from people

and caring about nobody but yourself...

Then I am uncool.

Uncool like you!

Dude, I gotta talk to you.

Miles, can you believe this, dude?

We might actually win this thing.

Yeah, we got a situation. Come on.

- Come with me. - Okay.

RJ fricking Berger.

What do you want?

Your candidacy is starting to annoy me.

See, I like running unopposed

'cause it gives me time to focus on the important issues.

Like touching down on Jenny's landing strip.

Oh!

Boom!

For three!

Oh-oh-oh-oh.

Well, uh...

I'm sorry that I annoy you, Max,

but I'm in it to win it.

U-u-ugly and stupid.

Listen, Berger,

I don't care how many zit-faced losers

you get on your side.

I got too many guaranteed votes.

The numbers just doesn't add up.

- Don't. Nothing. - What?

Listen...

Since I know

you're a stubborn little burro,

drop out now and I'll fund your...

Computer Club when I win.

Listen, freak,

I'll use my secret weapon if I have to.

What are you, a James Bond villain?

Do the right thing and gracefully withdraw.

Like you do with Jenny.

Oh!

Boom-shakka-lakka!

- RJ. - Hey, Jenny.

Hey, sorry to bug you, um...

I just wanted to let you know

that I was really impressed with your speech yesterday.

I probably shouldn't say this since

I'm campaigning for Max, um...

I'm really glad you decided to run.

We could use some different points of view around here.

Thank you.

Well, um, whatever happens,

I hope you get your computers.

Well, I, uh, I hope you get your wood.

It's, uh... set pieces.

So in closing, I'd like to thank the good people

of Pinkerton Athletic Club

for continuing to support my candidacy

and believing in the power of ideas.

And since my challenger

didn't even bother to show up today,

I guess we can just assume he dropped out of the race.

So when you get to the ballot box,

remember, there's only one choice.

But it's the right choice.

- Max Owens! - Wait!

Do you mind?

Whatever.

Student and faculty,

excuse me for being late, um...

To be honest, um, I was having my doubts

about whether or not I wanted to do this.

Despite everything I've been telling you guys,

someone told me that I couldn't win.

And, uh, I believed them.

But then I realized this isn't about me.

It's about every single person here

that's made to feel like they don't matter,

that they don't belong.

I'm here to tell you guys one thing.

You do matter.

You do belong.

Pinkerton is your school,

and it's time we take it back.

All right, so, uh, I made a film

that I would like to share with you all.

But please excuse the film's quality.

I made it in the school's computer lab,

and we all know those computers suck balls.

Move it, nerds.

Students of Pinkerton!

Today we rise!

Dude, that was awesome.

I'm sorry I ever doubted you.

We can win this. We could really win this!

- I know. - Mr. President,

I want to be your Monica Lewinsky.

Well, I didn't prepare a "rebutment,"

'cause this is usually just an early victory party.

So I guess all I have to say is...

free Rock Bandsfor everyone!

It's okay, dude. We got a big enough lead.

We can survive this.

And if that wasn't enough for you,

here to perform a song from his new album,

my second cousin by marriage, Travis Barker!

What's up, Pinkerton?

Just wanted to come by and tell you guys

to vote for my cousin Max.

Okay, now we're [bleep].

Next on The Hard Times of RJ Berger.

I'm auditioning for the high school musical.

A musical, RJ?

It's a mash-up between

West Side Story and Twilight.

Their lips will meet in a final, tragically deep kiss.

- We kiss? - Hey, RJ,

I came to school naked today.

Why are you harboring a midget in your leotard?

♪ Hey!

♪ Hey