Original subtitles

My name is RJ Berger.

Nature made me scrawny and weird-looking,

awkward and pale.

Nature did a lot of things,

but I'm not about to roll over and be nature's bitch.

I'm gonna beat it.

♪ Something is not right with me... ♪

Beat the fact that I have

more pairs of glasses than friends.

Beat the fact that I was born to lose.

Oh, ride the dragon.

Oh, ride the dragon. Ride the dragon.

Ride the dragon.

Oh, yeah. God.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, it's almost 7:00.

Move that sweet little tuchus.

Hello.

RJ, are you okay?

Fine.

Are you crying?

No.

- RJ, look at me. - Is something wrong?

No. Can you just give me another minute, please?

I gave you a minute 15 minutes ago.

Oh!

Forgive me.

♪ Hey ♪

O-P-P. "Objective, plan, perform."

Our objective is clear.

Get people to like us.

Especially hot chicks with low self-esteem.

Our plan?

Infiltrate the beauty mob and charm them

with our easy-going awesomeness.

Now all we got to do is...

Dude.

Dude, I'm trying to document our rise to greatness.

Are you paying attention?

Jenny...

Swanson.

Be still, my beating balls.

It's weird, you know?

I know.

Every year, you think she...

...can't get any hotter.

Friday night's supposed to be, like, insane.

Swanson's pool party?

Dude, it's the soiree of the semester.

I'm talking Robin Pretnar in a bikini, okay?

Bong rips and nip slips!

It's the key to kicking off our big year.

That's one guest list I don't think we're on.

Robin Pretnar.

Dude, I'd murder everyone I love

for one glimpse of those pepperonis.

'Sup, whores?

Guess what's happening today.

You're taking a weed whacker to that mustache?

Lipski's posting sophomore study buddies.

So?

So perhaps I arranged to be buddies

with a certain someone.

You know, for all those late-night cramming sessions?

Lily, why are you so eager to ruin this friendship?

Why are you so afraid to ruin my sheets?

Lily, if he wanted to a dog,

he'd just go to Amsterdam.

Shut up, Miles.

I thought about you this morning, RJ.

About our kiss on the playground.

That was in kindergarten, Lily.

Back when you weren't

the only flat-chested girl in our grade.

Just because you have bigger tits

than half the girls in school...

- There! - That's what I'm talking about!

What?

Dude, Natsumi Taniko just looked at you

like you burned down her dojo.

That's, like, the 15th time she's done that.

Did I tell you I have a date with Raven on Friday?

- Wait. - Wait, I'm sorry.

You're going out with the Dark Knight?

That kid is like five feet of pure Columbine.

Jealous?

What, is he taking you to the cemetery?

You guys gonna drink some absinthe?

Maybe read from the Twilightbooks?

- Actually, he's taking me to - Jenny Swanson's party, assholes.

And I wouldn't have to slum it with freshman goths

if you would just man up and take my offer, RJ.

Any time, any place...

any orifice.

Oh, dude.

Max Owens just gunned down your boner in cold blood.

What a choad.

Hey, it's Lipski's buddy list.

I hope I got someone good.

- Excuse me. - Can I...

Can I... Excuse me.

Can I...

- Coming through! - Look out!

Move!

Hey!

Jake Dunbar and Alexina Kors.

Brendan Jacoby and Miranda Meyer.

RJ Berger and...

Jenny Swanson?

What the [bleep]?

♪ A-la-la, a-la-la ♪

♪ Give me three wishes ♪

♪ I want to be the dirty finger ♪

♪ And his six bitches ♪

♪ A-la-la, a-la-la ♪

♪ Give me more too ♪

♪ I want to be in that crazy band ♪

Your dragon awaits, my lady.

Email me so I have yours.

That's what she's doing!

You gonna eat that last piece, son?

- No, thanks. - I'm pretty full.

- Oh, what about you, Bill? - Last piece?

Oh, better save some room, Rick.

Something tells me I'm gonna be doing

a lot of eating tonight.

Ain't that right, Suze?

As long as you don't spoil your appetite, honey,

'cause I brought your favorite dessert.

- Oh, I'll make room. - I'll make room.

Oh, you bring enough for, uh, two?

Or three?

Oh, naughty!

Three!

Four!

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!

The buffet is open!

You know, it's so funny,

because you're talking about Linda's vagina.

I'm gonna go do drugs.

I walked in on him masturbating this morning.

God bless him.

He had his lotion and his tissue all laid out.

Just yesterday, he was a baby in my arms.

Now he's playing with his baby arm!

Oh, that's a... oh, that's good.

♪ Day and night ♪

♪ I toss and turn and I keep stressing my mind ♪

God, it's so warm!

- Yay! - Whoo!

I love you, RJ!

What the [bleep], man?

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- What the hell's your problem? - 's your problem?

Oh!

Damn it, Patterson.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Canton, number 22, number 30.

Pinkerton, number 21, number 18, number 24, and number 6.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I don't have enough subs to cover that.

That leaves me with four players!

Then I guess you'll have to forfeit.

God damn it!

Berger!

Get over here.

Please don't make me mop up any more blood.

Go put on a uniform.

I don't even know how to play.

God damn it, Berger!

You go put on a uniform or our deal is off.

No more skipping gym.

Now, hustle.

God have mercy on us.

♪ A modern day warrior, mean, mean stride ♪

♪ Today's Tom Sawyer, mean, mean pride ♪

Now, you listen to me.

We are one basket away from upsetting

these undefeated pricks.

All you got to do is stay out of the way for 21 seconds.

So just keep your little toothpick arms down

and lock your feet in place.

You got it?

- Yeah, okay. - Good.

Good.

'Cause if you bone this Cocker Spaniel,

so help me, I'll choke you to death

in front of all these people.

- All right. - Okay.

- I'll do my best. - Good.

Good. Go get 'em.

- Get 'em, bro! - Get 'em!

Get your ass...

Hey, let's go, Pirates!

That's how a man smells, bitch.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Dang!

Oh, no.

It's okay.

At least he's got his jockstrap...

It's a god damn Buick Regal.

Freaking tripod.

We are saved.

I'm soaked.

me.

You asshole!

I can't believe you never told me.

Here I am looking for our golden ticket.

It's been draped over your balls this whole time.

Miles...

Let me see that beautiful bastard, I want to kiss it.

- Miles, come on, man. - Just the tip, all right?

Just like this. Totally non-gay.

Miles!

It's a curse, dude.

What are you talking about, curse?

Okay, fine.

Do you want to know why Natsumi Taniko

freaks every time she sees me?

Yeah.

Last summer, remember when I tutored her in English?

Mm-hmm.

Well, she was, like, the first normal girl

who ever saw me like... like I was a normal guy.

Mmm.

You're a dope Frencher.

I know.

Um...

My boner just got all hard and...

Oh, what?

- Oh. - Oh, yeah.

- Natsumi, are you okay? - Natsumi!

Are you choking?

Natsumi!

- Wait. - Wait. Wait.

That's why you kept it a secret?

I almost killed her, dude.

It was an accident, RJ.

The Japanese mouth isn't designed to handle

that kind of size.

You see those little egg rolls they eat?

She wasn't ready for an American foot-long hot dog.

Dude, you have something that every guy in school

would kill for.

Okay, that may be,

but they'd still always find a way to tear me down.

And who's always there to pick you up, huh?

Who's the only one who showed up to Shakey's

on your seventh birthday?

Who's the only one who in the ball pit?

That could have been anybody.

Miles, they're gonna destroy me.

Maybe they will and maybe they won't.

But at least they'll be paying attention.

Oh, wow.

This is... beautiful.

We deserve this, right?

- We so deserve this. - We deserve this.

This is, like, out of a Young Jeezy video.

- Yeah. - Okay, hands in.

Okay.

Who invited those losers?

- All right. - All right.

"Easy-going awesomeness," on three.

All right. One, two...

Easy-going awesomeness.

Okay, let's mingle, mingle.

Okay.

Play it cool. Play cool.

My whores made it!

RJ, looking good.

So, Berger...

you ready to grab destiny by the balls?

So then I'm like, "It's just my pinky."

You get it?

The pinky?

Cold.

Hot.

But still a diss.

Dude, we are striking out.

Oh, my God.

Is that sparkling malt liquor?

- Robin, hey. - Yeah.

I love sparkling malt liquor.

- You are so adorable, - Robin Pretnar.

You're like a little meerkat...

with boobies.

- Oh! - Uh-oh!

Shh! Shh! Ooh! Ooh! Shh!

Okay. Okay.

It's okay.

No one saw that. No one saw that.

Not gonna let that kill our vibe, are we?

Ugh.

- Is it stuck? - No.

I'm just a weakling.

One of the drawbacks of being little, I guess.

Yeah.

Maybe I can help.

That is really...

That is really stuck right there.

Yeah.

Hey, you're RJ Berger, right?

Why, yes, I am.

Maybe you should try pushing with your [bleep].

So the big Lipski test?

Bio's my worst subject.

I could really use the grade to make honors,

so I'm counting on you, study buddy.

I mean...

Lipski.

Wait.

Lipski's test.

Yes, I would love to study you... with you.

Um, biology's actually, like, one of my best subjects,

and I can name, like, six different types of zygotes

off the top of my head right now.

But I'm not going to.

Great.

Well, you have my email.

- I do. - I do.

- Cool. Thanks. - Yep, cool.

♪ You spin my head right round, right round ♪

♪ When you go down, when you go down, down ♪

- Oh! - Oh, my God.

You ever talk to her again,

I'll kill you, donkey dick.

Dude, are you okay?

Of course he's not okay, asshole!

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

Come on. Let's bounce, man.

Ow.

No.

RJ, don't!

Hell you doing talking to that guy?

Are you trying to embarrass me?

I mean, the kid's a freak.

What the do you want?

Oh!

That's how a man smells, bitch.

I'll email you tomorrow.

- Dude, you just served - Max Owens a cup of nut musk!

I know.

- You realize you're dead - Monday, right?

Yeah.

But that's Monday.

Yeah.

♪ I'm on the highway to hell ♪

My name is RJ Berger.

Nature made me scrawny and weird-looking,

awkward and pale...

but it also gave me a gift,

and I intend to use it.

Next on The Hard Times of RJ Berger...

How are my two favorite study buddies?

- Dude, I'm tired of being - Max Owens' bitch.

I'm gonna run for SGA president.

It's a suicide mission.

- He's unbeatable! - No one's unbeatable, Miles.

For every Max Owens, there's ten of us.

We could really win this.

Travis Barker!