All language subtitles for Mike.Epps.Presents.Live.From.Club.Nokia.2011.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.BZ]

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Man: NICE BIG SMILE.

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.BZ

- MAKE SURE.
- YOU WANNA BE HERE...

AND THEN I WANT
THE COMMENTATOR TO BE LIKE,

"ARE Y'ALL READY..."

Woman:
WE LOVE YOU.

[ man grunting ]

ICE CUBE!

- WHERE YOUR BROTHERS AT?
- [ chatting ]

HEY YO, MIKE,
DO YOUR DAMN THING.
YOU KNOW HOW WE DO IT, BABY.

"...DOWNTOWN
IN THE HEART OF L.A.,

ARE Y'ALL READY..."
[ mimics scream ]

Announcer: LOS ANGELES, PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

FOR MIKE EPPS!

WHASSUP, L.A.?!

Epps: HO HO HO HO HO.

HO HO.

HO HO HO HO HO.

CUT IT OFF.
DJ FELLE FELL.

WHASSUP, L.A.?!

THAT'S WHAT THE FUCK
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

DAMN, Y'ALL LOOK GOODER
THAN MOTHERFUCKER OUT HERE.

DAMN!

THERE'S A LOT OF OLD PLAYAS
IN HERE TONIGHT.

I KNOW IT'S A BUNCH
OF OLD MEN IN HERE

'CAUSE THERE'S A BUNCH
OF VANS OUTSIDE.

AND WHEREVER THERE'S A VAN,
THERE'S AN OLD MAN.

THERE'S SOME OLD NIGGAS
IN HERE ALL ICY HOT DOWN.

NIGGAS IN HERE
BENGAY'D UP.

BOY, Y'ALL LOOK GOODER
THAN A GOVERNMENT CHECK
OUT HERE TONIGHT.

ALL MY FRIENDS
AND SHIT CAME OUT.

ALL THE LADIES
LOOKIN' BEAUTIFUL.

THAT'S WHY I LOVE
PERFORMING IN L.A. 'CAUSE
THE LADIES IS BEAUTIFUL.

I GO TO SOME CITIES,
THERE BE SOME BOOGER-WOOFS
IN THE AUDIENCE.

THEY BE WAITIN' AFTER THE SHOW.
"WHAT YOU DOIN' AFTER THIS?"

GOIN' TO BED, BITCH.
I'M NOT FUCKIN' WITH YOU.

I AIN'T GOT NO ANTIBIOTICS
IN MY BAG THIS WEEKEND.

I KNOW YOU'RE WONDERING WHY
I'M DRESSED LIKE THIS.

'CAUSE I DIDN'T GET
TO GO TO THE PROM.

I WAS LOCKED UP
THAT YEAR.

AND THIS IS MY
BLACK OSCAR SHIT.

YOU KNOW, ALL THE PLAYERS--
YOU CAN'T EVEN EAT CHICKEN
IN THIS.

YOU GOTTA EAT
YOUR CHICKEN LIKE THIS--

LOOK AT ALL
THE NICE-LOOKIN' LADIES.

LADIES, DON'T YOU HATE IT
WHEN YOU MEET A MAN, THEN HE
BRING HIS FRIENDS AROUND,

THE FRIENDS LOOK BETTER
THAN HIM?

BE LIKE, "WHERE WAS Y'ALL
WHEN I MET THIS UGLY
MOTHERFUCKER?"

LOOK AT ALL
THE BIG GIRLS IN HERE.

"PRECIOUS" GOT Y'ALL
ARROGANT AS HELL.

AW, SHIT.
"PRECIOUS" IS OUT.

BIG GIRLS
IS IN THE HOOD.

THAT'S HOW THEM BIG GIRLS
TURN AROUND-- WITH SOME SHIT.

I LOVE BIG GIRLS,
NIGGAS, SHIT.

MY MAMA'S A BIG GIRL.
MY SISTER'S A BIG GIRL.

AND SOME OF YOU NIGGAS
IS BIG GIRLS TOO.

BIG OLE UNDERCOVER BUCKS.

NIGGAS IN HERE,
SWITCHING AND SAGGING.

BOY, THANK Y'ALL FOR COMING
OUT HERE TONIGHT.

WE GOT THE NICE
L.A. BACKDROP RIGHT THERE.

COUPLE OF YOU NIGGAS
IS NERVOUS

'CAUSE YOU LOOKIN'
FOR THE TWIN TOWERS ON THERE.

SPEAKING OF PRECIOUS,
SHE IS IN THE HOUSE TONIGHT.

AND THE NIGGA WITH HER--
THAT'S A PAJAMA TOP, NIGGA.

I GOT THE PANTS
TO THAT JACKET.
THAT'S HOW I KNOW.

THIS NIGGA
DON'T WEAR NO UNDERWEAR
UP UNDER THAT LIL SHIRT--

JUST WALK AROUND THE HOUSE
NAKED UP UNDER THAT SHIRT,

LIGHTING INCENSE
AND SHIT.

THEY ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT
WHO'S RUNNING THE WEST COAST.

THEM MOTHERFUCKIN' MEXICANS
AT HOME DEPOT'S RUNNIN'
THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

ABOUT NINE OF THEM NIGGAS
JUMPED IN MY CAR UNAUTHORIZED.

SOON AS I STOPPED, NIGGAS
JUST STARTED JUMPIN'
IN THE CAR.

I SAID, "WHAT THE FUCK
Y'ALL DOIN'?"

[ mocking accent ]
"YOU WANT US TO PAINT
THE HOUSE?"

"Y'ALL BETTER GET
THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR.

IN HERE SMELLIN' LIKE
THAT #9 AT EL POLLO LOCO.

GET OUT OF MY
MOTHERFUCKIN' CAR."

WE GOT SOME GOOD FRIENDS
IN THE HOUSE TONIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
JUST TO LET Y'ALL KNOW
YOU AMONGST GREATNESS.

WE GOT TARAJI HENSON
IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER!

[ screeches ]
"BABY BOY."

THAT BITCH BEEN TO JAIL
BEFORE TOO, YOU COULD TELL.

THAT AIN'T NO
REGULAR ACTRESS.

THIS BITCH HAS DROPPED A NIGGA BEFORE.

TARAJI ONE OF THEM
GIRLFRIENDS

YOU GOT TO HAVE
IN THE HOOD.

NIGGA WITH THREE
MOTHERFUCKIN' STRIKES,

YOU GET INTO IT WITH A NIGGA,
YOU GIVE TARAJI THE GUN--
"POP HIM, BABY."

"POW! LET'S GET OUT
OF HERE, BABY. LET'S GO."

[ squawks ]

Y'ALL SEE I GOT
THEM STACY ADAMS ON
IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

THAT'S WHAT YOU GOTTA DO
WHEN YOU GOT SOME NICE
CLEAN SHOES ON

AND A NIGGA SEE 'EM...
SAY, "OH YEAH, NIGGA,
I JUMPED OUT ON YOUR ASS."

OH SHIT.

WE GOT SOME MORE GUESTS
UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

LET'S GIVE IT UP
FOR MY NIGGA ICE CUBE!

WEST SIDE!

Y'ALL READY TO HAVE
SOME GOOD TIME TONIGHT, Y'ALL?

COMING TO THE STAGE,
THIS IS ANOTHER ONE

OF MY PLAYA PARTNERS.

STRAIGHT OUT OF
BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA,

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
FOR HENRY WELCH!

WHAT'S UP, L.A.?
GIVE IT UP FOR MIKE EPPS.

GIVE IT UP.

Y'ALL DOING ALL RIGHT?

LOT OF CRAZY SHIT
GOING ON.

WHERE THE WHITE WOMEN AT?
WHITE WOMEN?

TIGER FUCK YOU?

NOT YET, NOT YET.
HE WAS TRYING.

HE WAS TRYING.
HE JUST COULDN'T GET TO YOU.
HE GOT CAUGHT.

HE WAS TRYING
TO GET TO YOU.

LOT OF CRAZY SHIT.
TIGER APOLOGIZED
FOR SOME PUSSY.

WOULD YOU APOLOGIZE?

[ mocking ]
"HI. I'M SORRY."

DON'T APOLOGIZE
FOR NO PUSSY!

FELLAS, YOU APOLOGIZE
FOR GETTIN' SOME PUSSY?
WHO APOLOGIZE?

I DON'T CARE IF I GET
CAUGHT IN THE PUSSY.

"LOOK, YOU JUST
CAUGHT ME, BABE.
I'M SORRY."

SHE CAUGHT ME.
I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

I LOVE Y'ALL.
SHOW THE CREW IN THE HOUSE--

WHO'S THIS WASHED-UP NIGGA
RIGHT HERE?

WHO UNTHAWED THIS NIGGA
RIGHT HERE?

♪ ALL THE PLAYAS CAME
FROM FAR AND WIDE ♪

♪ WITH AFROS
AND BRAIDS. ♪

AW, THAT NIGGA WAS
THE FIVE HEARTBEAT
THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT.

- [ audience jeers ]
- AW, FUCK YOU, EDDIE KING.

I DON'T NEED
THIS SHIT ANYWAY.

I'M PETE PERM, PETE THE PERM,
PETE THE PERM.

AW, YOU OUGHTA KILL YOURSELF
FOR THAT WEAKASS PERM.

LIKE A CAT BE LICKIN'
ON YO' HEAD, MAN.

YOU WRONG
FOR THAT SHIT, MAN.

I BET HE WAS AT HOME
TALKIN' ABOUT, "FLIP IT
ONE MORE TIME.

FLIP THAT CURL
ONE MORE TIME.

FLIP THAT BITCH
ONE MORE TIME."

OH, YOU DEAD-ASS WRONG.

I'M FROM ALABAMA.
ANYBODY FROM THE SOUTH?

- [ scattered cheers ]
- GOOD.

I NEED A RIDE.
I DON'T WANNA KNOW THAT SHIT.
I NEED A RIDE.

LOT OF CRAZY SHIT.
I LIVE IN THE DIRTYSOUTH

WHERE WE GOT
THE STRIP CLUBS

AND THE HOUSEWIVES
OF ATLANTA.

OH, I HATE
THEM BROKE-ASS HOS.
THEM HOS AIN'T MARRIED.

NENE TALKING ABOUT
SHE CAN'T FIND HER DADDY.

KNOW WHY?
'CAUSE SHE'S MARRIED TO HIM.

THAT OLD-ASS MAN IS YOUR DADDY.
THAT IS YOUR DADDY.

SOME OF Y'ALL AIN'T LAUGHING.
I'M BOOKED.

I GOT SOME MORE SHOWS.

THIS AIN'T IT FOR ME.

GO ON, SIT DOWN, BABY.
I SEE YOU.

THAT LITTLE-ASS CHAIN ON.

JESUS COULDN'T EVEN
PUT HIS ARM OUT.

SHE GOT A CROSS ON--
JESUS GOT ONE ARM
ON THE CROSS.

THAT'S A LITTLE-ASS CHAIN
RIGHT THERE.

YOU KNEW THAT SHIT
WAS LITTLE WHEN YOU PUT IT ON.

HOLD ON.

SHE THOUGHT SHE HAD
A SEAT BELT AROUND HER NECK.

SOME OF Y'ALL AIN'T LAUGHIN'.
I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
I'M BOOKED.

I GOT ON A BLACK SUIT.
I'M THE BATHROOM MAN
AT CAESAR'S PALACE.

SO I GOT ANOTHER JOB.

SHIT,
IT'S HOT UP HERE.

I'M SWEATING LIKE R. KELLY
AT AN 8th GRADE PROM.

[ audience laughs, jeers ]

OH, I SAY SOMETHING WRONG?

YOU NEED THIS, PIMP?
WANNA HIT YOUR PERM?

THAT NIGGA GO OUTSIDE,
THAT SHIT GOIN' STRAIGHT.

"WHERE MY PERM AT?
ONE SIDE GONE!"

WENT TO Y'ALL'S
LITTLE CLUB LAST NIGHT.

SOME GAY DUDE WAS TRYING
TO PICK MY UGLY ASS UP.

I'M IN THE CLUB
GETTING MY LITTLE JUKE ON.

DUDE TALKING ABOUT,
"WHAT YOU DRINKIN'?"

"YOU BETTER GO ON
WITH THAT BULLSHIT."

"FUCK, LET ME GET
A DOUBLE-SHOT OF HENNESSY."

I TRIED BEING GAY,
BUT I QUIT WHEN
IT WAS MY TURN.

"I APPRECIATE THE BLOWJOB,
BUT I JUST CAN'T DO THAT
RIGHT THERE.

YOU WANNA GET A DOUBLE-SHOT
OF HENNESSY TO GET THAT TASTE
OUT OF YOUR MOUTH?"

HEY, Y'ALL, I'M HENRY WELCH.
GOD BLESS YOU, L.A.

Epps:
HENRY WELCH, Y'ALL.
HENRY WELCH!

AW, SHIT.
AW, SHIT.

- DAY-DAY.
- THAT AIN'T MY NAME, NIGGA.

DO YOU HEAR ME
KEEP CALLIN' "LAWRENCE"?

NIGGA DON'T LIKE
WHEN HIS NAME IS LAWRENCE.

- Woman: MIKE EPPS!
- WHAT, BITCH?

I'M TRYING TO IMPRESS
MY PLAYA POS--
[ laughs ]

- Woman: THAT'S RIGHT!
- Woman #2: WE LOVE YOU!

THAT'S WHY I DON'T LIKE
HANGING AROUND STREET NIGGAS

'CAUSE THEY
ALWAYS REMIND YOU--
"JUST TELL A JOKE, MAN."

THAT'S WHY
I LOVE NIGGAS, MAN.

THEY TALKIN' 'BOUT
A RECESSION.

NIGGAS DON'T KNOW NOTHING
ABOUT NO MOTHERFUCKING
RECESSION.

WE'VE BEEN IN A RECESSION.

WHITE PEOPLE LOSE
THEY MONEY AND KILL
EVERYBODY IN THE HOUSE.

"HONEY, I CAN'T TAKE IT.
GET THE KIDS."

A NIGGA LOSE HIS MONEY
AND DO WHAT? GET SLEEPY.

NIGGA BE TIRED AS HELL
AFTER HE'S LOST A BANKROLL.

"MAN, I'M TIRED
AS A MOTHERFUCKER.

I'M GONNA SLEEP
THIS SHIT OFF, MAN."

CALL THE NIGGA "SLEEP-ROCK"
HE SLEEPS SO MUCH.

LADIES, YOU CAN'T THINK
A MAN GOT MONEY

AND GIVE HIM SOME
TOO QUICK.

MIGHT GET HOME,

THE NIGGA'S DICK
MIGHT BE UNCIRCUMCISED.

GIRL, IF YOU DON'T SIT
YOUR BIG ASS DOWN...

BOY, YOU HAVE TO FUCK HER
WITH A WALKIE-TALKIE,
THAT ASS SO BIG.

"I'M 'BOUT TO SMACK
YOUR ASS. OVER."

"THAT'S A 10-4, BIG DAWG.
GO IN AND GET IT."

YOU GOTTA HIT THE ASS LIKE--

QUIT THROWING THEM
MINI-PADS UP HERE.

BITCH.

YOU BETTER STOP.

I'M GONNA FUCK YOU UP.

PICK YOUR E.B.T. CARD OUT
FROM UP UNDER YOUR SEAT.

Y'ALL READY TO KEEP
THE SHOW ROLLING?!

COMIN' TO THE STAGE,
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER--

STRAIGHT FROM ST. LOUIS--
FOR G THANG!

G THANG!

YEAH.

WHASSUP WHASSUP
WHASSUP?

THIS IS FOR
THE DARK-SKINNED
NIGGAS RIGHT HERE.

THIS YOUR SONG, BIG DUDE.
THIS YOUR GODDAMN SONG.

LIGHT-SKINNED NIGGAS,
THIS IS NOT YOUR SONG.

THIS IS NOT
YOUR GODDAMN SONG.

SIT DOWN,
LIGHT-SKINNED NIGGAS.
YOU CAN LEAVE NOW.

I DATE GROWN.
GROWN WOMEN WON'T EVEN
LET YOU PICK THEM UP.

THEY'LL MEET
YOUR ASS UP THERE.

YOU AIN'T GONNA
NEVER BE ABLE TO PICK
A GROWN WOMAN UP.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHERE A GROWN WOMAN STAYS.
SHIT.

SHE BE OUT IN THE PARKING LOT
TO SEE WHAT KIND OF RAGGEDY-ASS
CAR YOU GETTIN' OUT OF.

"OH, THAT'S SOME
BULLSHIT RIGHT THERE."
[ mimics engine roar ]

YOUNG WOMEN COME OVER
TO THE HOUSE, THEY DON'T
KNOW THEY FUCKIN'.

JUST THEY JUST BE IN THERE--
"WHOA, HOW'D THIS HAPPEN?"

"BITCH, YOU KNOW HOW
THIS HAPPENED."

GROWN WOMEN
COME OVER YOUR HOUSE,
THEY PREPARED TO FUCK.

THEY GOT THEIR OVERNIGHT BAG
IN THE CAR.

LOOK AT THE YOUNG WOMEN.
"OVERNIGHT BAG?"

ASK YOUR MAMA.
YOUR MAMA KNOW ABOUT
THE OVERNIGHT BAG.

IF THAT GROWN WOMAN
SEND YOU DOWN TO THE CAR
TO GET THAT OVERNIGHT BAG,

YOU FUCKIN'.
YES SIR, YOU FUCKIN'.

[ screeches ]

BAG BE HEAVY
AS A MOTHERFUCKER.

'CAUSE A GROWN WOMAN AIN'T
GONNA USE YOUR SOAP.

SHE AIN'T GONNA USE
YOUR GODDAMN NASTY-ASS SOAP

WITH THE LITTLE HAIR
AND ALL THAT SHIT
STILL ON THE SOAP,

YOU LITTLE NASTY
MOTHERFUCKERS.

I FUCKS WITH GROWN.

YOUNG WOMEN DON'T ASK
FOR A WHOLE LOT OF MONEY.

THIS LITTLE YOUNG BITCH
ASKED ME FOR $12 YESTERDAY.

WHAT YOU GONNA BUY,
SOME PENNY CANDY, BITCH?

TAKE THIS $22 AND GET
YOUR GODDAMN LIFE TOGETHER.

LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, FELLAS--

WHEN A GROWN WOMAN
ASKS FOR MONEY, THEY ASK.

THEY GOT REAL BILLS
AT THE HOUSE.

"YOU GOT $30,000
I COULD BORROW, MOTHERFUCKER?

THESE MOTHERFUCKERS
ABOUT TO FORECLOSE MY HOUSE.
TODAY. TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER.

DON'T GIVE IT
TO A GROWN WOMAN.

SHE'LL PULL A CHART OUT
ON YOUR ASS.

"COME TO THE CHART.
REMEMBER THURSDAY I SUCKED
YOUR DICK?

YOU REMEMBER THAT RIGHT THERE?
THAT WAS $1700.

DON'T GO TO SLEEP, MOTHERFUCKER.
DON'T GO TO SLEEP.

FRIDAY YOU SAID YOU WANTED ME
TO ACT LIKE A STRIPPER AND
DANCE ALL ON THE POLE?

$2200.
DON'T GO TO SLEEP, MOTHERFUCKER.
DON'T GO TO SLEEP.

SUNDAY YOU SAY
YOU WANNA FUCK.

I SAID IT'S THE WRONG TIME
OF THE MONTH.

YOU SAY LAY THE TOWEL DOWN.
$9000."

L.A., DON'T ACT LIKE YOU
NIGGAS AIN'T NEVER LAID THAT
GODDAMN TOWEL DOWN.

THAT SHIT
LIKE A CRIME SCENE.

DON'T ACT LIKE THAT,
GOD DAMN IT.

YOU CAN'T JUST CHANGE THE SHEET.
YOU GOTTA CHANGE THE WHOLE
MATTRESS.

"BITCH, HELP ME
WITH THIS MATTRESS!

I GET CAUGHT,
WE GOIN' TO JAIL, BITCH!"

THAT WAS TOO MUCH?
THAT WAS TOO MUCH RIGHT THERE?

I'M AN IGNORANT NIGGA.

EVERYBODY BROKE.
AIN'T NOBODY GOT NO MONEY.

I'M GLAD YOU MOTHERFUCKERS CAME.
I MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET
MY CHECK NOW.

EVERYBODY BROKE.
I'M CUTTIN' BACK TOO.

I TOLD SPRINT TODAY
TO CUT ALL THAT SHIT
OFF MY PHONE.

I DON'T WANT NO INCOMING,
NO OUTGOING,

NO VOICEMAIL, NO TEXTS.
CUT THAT BITCH OFF!

I JUST WANT TO CALL SPRINT
TO SEE WHO CALLED ME,
MOTHERFUCKER.

I'M GOIN' BACK TO A PAGER.
FUCK YOU.

[ mimics beeps ]
35¢ A YEAR, NIGGA.

[ mimics beeps ]

AIN'T NOBODY GOT NO MONEY.
THE DRUG DEALERS,
THEM BROKE TOO.

THEY AIN'T EVEN GOT NO BAGS
TO PUT THE WEED IN NO MORE.

NIGGA SOLD ME MY SHIT
RIGHT OUT OF HIS BACK POCKET.

"THAT'S A DIME."
"WHAT THE FUCK?"

NOW I'M SMOKING EVERYTHING
IN HIS BACK POCKET--

CORNBREAD MIX,
POPCORN--

IS THIS GRAY HAIR
IN MY WEED, NIGGA?!

THIS SHIT
AIN'T GONNA WORK!

MOTHERFUCKIN' CABLE PEOPLE
GONNA COME AND CUT
THE NIGGA'S CABLE

WHILE I HAD COMPANY OVER
IN THAT MOTHERFUCKER.

HE DONE HAD THE NERVE
TO KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND ASK
FOR THE BOX TOO.

LIKE, "WHAT, NIGGA?!
COME IN HERE AND TRY
TO GET IT,

SEE WHAT THE FUCK
HAPPENS TO YOUR ASS.

YOU GONNA BE A DEAD-ASS
GODDAMN CABLE NIGGA.

I NEED THAT CABLE BOX
FOR THE TIME."

TIME WARNER KEEPS
SOME GOOD-ASS TIME.

THE WAY NIGGAS
GETTING LAID OFF, WORK IT
LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER, NIGGA.

I BET YOU NIGGAS
AIN'T FUCKING WITH THEM
SICK DAYS NOW, ARE YOU?

I BET YOU TAKE YOUR ASS
RIGHT TO WORK NOW,
AIN'T YOU?

YOU CALL YOUR BOSS
BEFORE YOU GO IN--

"HEY, YOU WANT SOMETHIN'
FROM McDONALD'S, DAWG?

I KNOW HOW YOU LIKE
THEM EGG McMUFFINS
AND SHIT, NIGGA.

I'LL PICK YOU UP
AN EGG McMUFFIN."

THAT NIGGA BARACK
DOING HIS THING. I LOVE
THAT NIGGA RIGHT THERE.

THAT NIGGA PASSED
THAT HEALTH CARE. SHIT.

'CAUSE A LOT OF YOU THUGS,

Y'ALL NEEDED TO GET
THEM BULLETS OUT YOUR ASS.

THAT NIGGA BARACK,
THAT NIGGA GOES TO WORK
EVERY GODDAMN DAY.

I AIN'T NEVER SEEN A NIGGA
GO TO WORK EVERY DAY.

I GUESS THAT'S
THE WHITE SIDE IN HIM
GOING TO WORK.

HE MIGHT BE MIXED,
BUT MICHELLE SURE
THE FUCK AIN'T.

MICHELLE 100% NIGGA,
YES SIR.

SHE AIN'T MIX NOTHING
BUT CROWN AND COKE.

THAT'S ALL MICHELLE
MIXING WITH.

YOU CAN BETTER BELIEVE
BARACK AIN'T GONNA GET HIS DICK
SUCKED IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

NOT WHILE MICHELLE
AND HER MAMA WALKIN'
THEM HALLWAYS.

"MAMA, YOU TAKE THE EAST WING
AND I'M GONNA TAKE
THE NORTH WING.

LET THERE BE A DOOR LOCKED
IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER,
SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

LET THERE BE A GODDAMN DOOR
LOCKED IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER!

LORD KNOWS I LOVE BARACK--
LORD KNOWS I DO,

BUT I'LL KILL HIM DEAD
IF I FIND A DOOR LOCKED
IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

I'M GONNA KILL THAT NIGGA!
I'M GONNA KILL THAT NIGGA!"

YOU KNOW MICHELLE A THUG.
SHE HUGGED THE QUEEN
IN LONDON.

YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED
TO TOUCH THE QUEEN!

MICHELLE SAID,
"COME HERE, BITCH.
GET THIS PICTURE, SHIT.

WE DON'T KNOW WHEN
WE FLYIN' BACK OVER
THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

PUT THIS MOTHERFUCKER
ON MY FACEBOOK PAGE.
COME ON NOW."

GODDAMN BLACK WOMEN,
I LOVE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS
TO DEATH.

[ women cheering ]

LOVE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.

I AIN'T NEVER DATED OUT--
I ONLY LIKE BLACK WOMEN.

BLACK WOMEN LET YOU KNOW
WHERE THEY STAND.

THEY LET YOU KNOW
WHERE YOU STAND.

YOU MOTHERFUCKERS'LL
CUSS A MOTHERFUCKER OUT
IN FRONT OF YOUR MAMA.

"FUCK YOU,
YOU BITCH-ASS NIGGA
AND YOUR MAMA AND SHIT!"

[ screeches ]

"MAMA, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT GOT INTO THIS BITCH!"

I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING--
BLACK WOMEN AIN'T GOING
FOR THE SAME SHIT

THEY WENT FOR IN '09.
THEY'LL DELETE YOUR ASS
OUT THEIR PHONE NOW.

THEN GROWN WOMEN, THEY AIN'T
GONNA BRING THEIR 2010 IN
LIKE THEY DID '09.

GROWN WOMEN
WILL DELETE YOUR ASS.

"SMALL DICK?
GUESS WHAT?

DELETED OUT OF THIS
MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT HERE.

I GOTTA PICK YOUR ASS UP?

GUESS WHAT, MOTHERFUCKER?
DELETED OUT OF THIS
GODDAMN PHONE.

LIVE AT HOME
WITH YOUR MAMA?

GUESS WHAT, MOTHERFUCKER?
DELETED OUT OF THIS
GODDAMN PHONE.

CUT THE FUCK OUT THIS GODDAMN
PHONE RIGHT HERE."

I WANNA THANK ALL
THE LITTLE WHITE PEOPLE
FOR COMING.

WE COULDN'T HAVE
GOT BARACK IN WITHOUT
Y'ALL'S HELP.

WE AIN'T HAD NOTHING
BUT 200 NIGGAS THAT COULD
GET BARACK IN.

YOU MOTHERFUCKERS
STILL SUPPORTIN' BARACK TOO.

I SEEING WHAT HE DO
IN HIS SPEECHES.

BARACK BE HAVING
SO MANY PEOPLE BEHIND HIM,

I THOUGHT THE NIGGA
HAD VERIZON.

I'M LIKE "GOD DAMN!

BARACK GOT THE NETWORK.
YOU SEE THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE?"

WHITE PEOPLE!
GOTTA LOVE WHITE PEOPLE.

BLACK PEOPLE-- WE GOTTA
START HELPING PEOPLE TOO.
WE DON'T HELP NOBODY.

ASK A NIGGA HERE TONIGHT
FOR A JUMP AND SEE
WHAT HE TELL YOU.

"A JUMP?
WHOO!

NIGGA, YOU GONNA FUCK UP
MY ALTERNATOR.
HOLD ON, MAN.

YOU AIN'T GOT
NO 'NOTHER WAY?

YOU AIN'T GOT NO
'NOTHER WAY?

THIS SHIT AIN'T GONNA WORK."

DID YOU KNOW WHITE PEOPLE
WILL TELL YOU

WHEN YOU DROP MONEY
OUT YOUR POCKET?
"SIR, SIR!

YOU JUST DROPPED A 20.
THAT'S NOT MY 20.

THAT'S YOUR 20.
THAT'S NOT MY 20."

NIGGA, DROP A 20
IN FRONT OF ME AND SEE
THE FUCK HAPPENS.

DUH! I'LL BE ON YOUR 20
TILL THE CLUB CLOSE.

HEY Y'ALL, I'M G THANG.
ONE LOVE.

Epps:
G THANG!

G THANG!

YEAH!

♪ IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY

♪ I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
ABOUT YOUR BIRTHDAY. ♪

HOW MANY BIRTHDAYS
IN THE HOUSE?

MOTHERFUCKIN' ARIES.

Man:
YES SIR!

ARROGANT MOTHERFUCKERS,
SIT DOWN.

I LOVE IT.
WHERE THE PISCES AT?

[ cheering ]

SIT Y'ALL'S
WEIRD ASSES DOWN.

WEIRD QUIET GOOD-FRIEND
MOTHERFUCKERS.

WHERE THE TAURUSES AT?

Y'ALL SOME MOODY
MONEY-HUNGRY MOTHERFUCKERS.

WHERE THE GEMINIS?

[ cheering ]

TWO-FACED-ED SOMETIMEY
MOTHERFUCKERS.

FUCK Y'ALL.

I LOVE YOU. FUCK YOU.
I LOVE YOU.

- WHERE THE LEOS AT?!
- [ cheers ]

IN HERE TRYING
TO RUN SOME SHIT.

GODDAMN LEOS.

- WHERE THE SCORPIOS AT?
- [ cheering ]

OH, SUCK A DICK.
SIT YOUR FREAKY ASS DOWN.

FREAKY MOTHERFUCKERS.

PUT A THUMB IN YOUR ASS,
RELAX.

WHERE THE SAGITTARIUSES AT?

LOOK AT THIS NIGGA HERE.

YOU BETTER BE IN A CAR SEAT
WHEN YOU LEAVE HERE TONIGHT,

LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER.

THAT AIN'T A HALF-MAN,
HALF-HORSE.

THAT'S A HALF-MAN,
HALF-TURTLE RIGHT THERE.

BOY, IF YOU DON'T SIT
YOUR LITTLE ASS DOWN...

AND THE NIGGA GOT SOME SHOES
WITH THE WHEELS ON THE BOTTOM.

[ shouts ]

I SEEN THE NIGGA WALKIN'

AND JUST START
SLIDING LIKE THIS.

Y'ALL READY TO KEEP
THIS SHOW THRILLIN'?

COMING TO THE STAGE--
Y'ALL GONNA ENJOY
THIS YOUNG LADY--

STRAIGHT OUT OF THE CHI-TOWN,
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

FOR VANESSA FRACTION,
Y'ALL.

VANESSA FRACTION.
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER!

Y'ALL GIVE IT UP FOR ME NOW.
COME ON NOW.

GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY.

BUT, LADIES, WE GOT
TO LOVE EACH OTHER MORE.

I'M REALLY ON THAT RIGHT NOW.
FOR REAL.

I'M SERIOUS ON THAT.
Y'ALL KNOW WHAT WOMEN
GO THROUGH?

I WAS AN UGLY-ASS CHILD.
I JUST STARTED GETTING CUTE.

ANYBODY GET CUTE
A FEW YEARS AGO?

LIKE YOU WASN'T SHIT
IN HIGH SCHOOL,

BUT EVERYTHING STARTED
COMING TOGETHER AROUND 25?

START FEELING LIKE,
"I'M READY. I'M ALL RIGHT."

YOU DON'T NEVER KNOW.
PEOPLE USED TO MESS WITH ME
ALL THE TIME

WHEN I WAS YOUNGER
BECAUSE I HAD A LAZY EYE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

KID'S CRUEL, WAS ALWAYS
MESSING WITH ME BECAUSE
I HAD A LAZY EYE.

BUT NOW I'M GROWN, I BE TELLING
NIGGAS I'M ASIAN AND SHIT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
IT BE WORKING FOR ME.

YOU KNOW, YOU GOTTA WORK
WITH WHAT YOU GOT.

BUT ONE THING WE GOTTA DO,
LADIES, IS WHEN YOU SEE

A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
COME WALK IN THE ROOM,

LET HER BE BEAUTIFUL.
LET HER DO THAT SHIT.

LET HER DO IT.
BECAUSE WE WILL HATE ON EACH
OTHER AND HATE ON EACH OTHER

FOR NO REASON AT ALL AND YOU
KNOW WE ALL HAVE DONE IT.

I DONE DONE IT TOO.
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE
WITH YOUR MAN.

YOU'RE WITH YOUR MAN,
A BEAUTIFUL FINE MODELESQUE
WOMAN COME WALK IN THE ROOM.

YOU KNOW SHE BEAUTIFUL.
SHE KNOW SHE BEAUTIFUL.

YOU SMELL THE SHIT IN THE AIR.
YOU KNOW HOW IT GO.

AND WHAT DO WE DO, LADIES?
WE'LL START HATING ON HER.

JUST BE TALKING SHIT
ON SOME DUMB STUFF, LIKE,
"MMM, PFFT! MMM.

LOOK AT THAT BITCH ANKLES."

I GO, "HER ANKLE?"
WE'LL PICK THE SMALLEST THING.

AND YOU KNOW, WE GOT--
LOOK AT HER-- THAT'S
SOME SILLY SHIT.

FIRST OF ALL WE GOT TO RELAX.
WE GOT TO RELAX AND REALIZE
SOMETHING.

IF YOU WITH YOUR MAN, RELAX
YOURSELF AND REALIZE THIS:

IF THAT WOMAN IS THAT BEAUTIFUL,
IF SHE'S THAT FINE,

RELAX YOURSELF
AND REALIZE THAT

YOUR MAN PROBABLY
CAN'T EVEN PULL HER.

I MEAN, COME ON.
COME ON, COME ON.

LOOK, YOU KNOW
YOUR MAN, GIRL.

HE BARELY GOT YOU.
SHIT.

NIGGA DON'T EVEN READ GOOD,
BUT YOU LOVE HIM, DON'T YOU?

DICK AIN'T LONG ENOUGH,
CONVERSATION AIN'T
STRONG ENOUGH...

TO PULL THAT WOMAN.
YOU BETTER RELAX.

BUT YOU LOVE THE ONE
YOU'RE WITH.

YOU HELP HIM FILL OUT ALL 15
OF THEM APPLICATIONS,
DON'T YOU?

YOU WORK WITH YOUR MAN
BECAUSE YOU LOVE HIM.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
YOU GOT TO KEEP UP WITH THAT.

BUT YOU GOT TO REALIZE THAT
WHEN WE COME OUT, LADIES,

ALL ANY OF US IS TRYING
TO DO IS PULL OUT THE BEST PART
ABOUT OURSELVES, AREN'T WE?

WE TRYING TO PULL OUT
THE BEST PART. WE'RE TRYING
TO ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE.

SO IF EVER YOU FIND YOURSELF
HATING ON SOMEBODY,

TAKE THE TIME TO FIND
THE BEST PART ABOUT YOU.

AND I DON'T GIVE A DAMN
HOW LONG YOU'VE GOT TO LOOK
OR HOW HARD YOU'VE GOT TO TRY,

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN
IF ALL YOU GOT IS YOUR EARS.
YOU BETTER PULL YOUR HAIR BACK,

PUT A BANGLE ON THAT BITCH,
WALK LIKE YOU AIN'T
NEVER WALKED BEFORE.

I'M TELLING YOU A MAN
WOULD BE ATTRACTED TO YOU
AND DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY.

BE LIKE,
"DAMN, THAT BITCH UGLY,
BUT SHIT.

LOOK AT HER EARS.
GOD DAMN!

I WILL FUCK HER EARS.
SHIT."

AIN'T SHIT CHANGED ABOUT YOU.
ONLY REASON HE BELIEVE IS
BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
GOT TO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

BUT ON SOME REAL SHIT THOUGH.
I JUST FOUND OUT I'M SINGLE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
I TALKED ALL THAT SHIT,

I AIN'T EVEN GOT NOBODY.

BUT IT'S ALL GOOD.
I DID AND IT WAS CRAZY
WHEN I FOUND OUT.

IT WAS CRAZY BECAUSE
MY BOYFRIEND'S GIRLFRIEND
CALLED ME.

THAT'S HOW I--

DON'T ACT LIKE AIN'T
NONE OF Y'ALL EVER
HAD THAT CALL.

A CALL SO CRAZY YOU THINK
SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE PHONE.
I KNOW I DID.

IT WAS LIKE, BRRRR!
"HELLO?"

"HELLO, THIS IS
TONY'S GIRLFRIEND."

"HELLO? WHAT THE--
HELL, I'M TONY'S GIRLFRIEND.

HELLO, IS THIS ME, BITCH?
HELLO?

DID I CALL MYSELF?
IS THIS MAGIC?

ABRACADABRA, BITCH.

THIS DON'T SOUND LIKE ME.

HOW DID YOU DO THIS?"

AND FOR THOSE OF Y'ALL
AIN'T CLAPPING, IF YOU
AIN'T NEVER GOT THAT CALL,

I KNOW YOU'VE DONE MET HER
BEFORE OR YOU'VE BEEN HER.

YOU KNOW WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT.
YOU EVER MEET A WOMAN
SO BEAUTIFUL

YOU CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S
CHEATING ON HER?

YOU EVER MEET HER?
I MEAN THIS WOMAN IS BEAUTIFUL.

SHE GOT A GOOD JOB,
WASH HER ASS, BRUSH HER TEETH.

HER?!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?

WHY WOULD YOU CHEAT ON HER?
UNTIL I REALIZED THAT ANYBODY

CAN BE HER.
SHIT, HALLE BERRY WAS HER.

ONE TIME SHE DIDN'T
EVEN KNOW THE SHIT.

SHIT, I WAS HER ONE TIME.
I DIDN'T KNOW THE SHIT EITHER.

I WAS LIKE, "DAMN, BITCH.

HE CHEATING ON YOU?

YOU?"
THEY WAS LIKE, "NO, BITCH.

YOU!"
I WAS LIKE--

SHIT, I'M HER.
SOMETIMES YOU DON'T KNOW
WHEN YOU'RE HER.

YOUR GIRLFRIEND GOT TO TELL YOU,
BUT ALL IT IS IS REALLY
A REALITY CHECK.

AND THE REALITY CHECK IS
REALLY TOWARD THE MEN.

BECAUSE, MEN,
IF YOU OUT CHEATING,

WHAT THE FUCK YOU THINK
YOUR WOMAN IS AT HOME DOING?

YOU THINK SHE AT HOME BAKING
APPLE PIES OR SOME SHIT?

NO, AND SHE AIN'T OUT
CHEATING EITHER.

LET ME TELL YOU--
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT
YOUR WOMAN IS DOING,

BROTHER,
IF YOU OUT CHEATING?

IT GOT QUIET. THEY LIKE,
"WHAT THEY DOING, BITCH?
TALK!

SHIT! SPEAK UP.
WHAT THEY DOING?"

THEY WANTED TO KNOW.
THEN THEY WANTED--

I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHAT
YOUR WOMAN IS DOING, BROTHER,
IF YOU OUT CHEATING.

YOUR WOMAN IS AT HOME
DEVISING A PLAN

TO TAKE OVER
THE WORLD, PINKIE.

STARTING WITH HALF YOUR SHIT,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

SO IF I WAS YOU,
I'D TAKE CARE OF THE CRIB.

AND IF THE CRIB IS ALL RIGHT
I'M GONNA SAY THIS REAL QUICK:

A LOT OF TIMES I HEAR
IN DEFENSE OF THE MEN THAT
MEN DON'T ALWAYS CHEAT

BECAUSE THEY DON'T LOVE US.
I HEAR SOMETIMES MEN CHEAT,
NOT BECAUSE THEY DON'T LOVE US,

I HEAR SOMETIMES MEN CHEAT
BECAUSE THEY WANT SOMETHING
DIFFERENT.

AND I SAY THAT MORE SO
TO ENCOURAGE THE WOMEN, IF YOU
EVER BEEN CHEATED ON BEFORE

IT DOESN'T MAKE IT
BETTER THAN YOUR SHIT.

IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN JUST
A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A LITTLE
WETTER, A LITTLE DRIER,
LOOSER, TIGHTER,

- I DON'T KNOW,
IT JUST WASN'T YOUR SHIT.
- [ heckling ]

YOUR LITTLE DICK-ASS NEED TO
SHUT UP, 'CAUSE IF YOUR DICK WAS
AS BIG AS YOUR MOUTH WAS,

A BITCH WOULD BE
BACK THERE, NIGGA,

WITH YOUR UGLY ASS.

WITH YOUR UGLY ASS.

TRY TO ENCOURAGE A MAN,
TRY TO BUILD HIM UP.

I'M TRYING TO SAY SOMETHING
TO HELP YOUR RAGGEDY-ASS OUT

AND YOU DON'T EVEN WANNA--

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'M GONNA SAY THIS REAL QUICK
THEN I'M GONNA GO.

IF YOU WANT SOMETHING DIFFERENT,
BROTHERS, YOU AIN'T GOT
TO GO NOWHERE.

EVERY WOMAN IN HERE CAN
BE SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

EVERY WOMAN HERE
DONE ROLE-PLAYED BEFORE,
HAVEN'T YOU, LADIES?

YOU CAN GET YOUR SOMETHING
DIFFERENT AT THE CRIB,
CAN'T YOU?

YOU DONE ROLE-PLAYED.
YOU PLAYED A LITTLE NURSE
AND DOCTOR, HAVEN'T YOU?

A LITTLE RAPIST
WITH THE RAGGEDY SHIRT?
SHIRT AIN'T EVEN RAGGEDY,

BUT YOU BE LIKE, "DON'T DO IT!
DON'T DO THAT!"

IT WRONG, BUT SOMETHING
ABOUT IT BE RIGHT?

ANYBODY HERE EVER
PLAYED BURGLAR?

SOME OF YOU ALL PLAYED BURGLAR
AND DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU WAS
PLAYING BURGLAR.

LIKE, NIGGA FUCKED YOU
SO HARD YOU FELL ASLEEP,

YOU WOKE UP, HE HAD STOLE
ALL YOUR SHIT?

ANYBODY? ANYBODY?

BUT Y'ALL KEEP Y'ALL
RELATIONSHIP'S FRESH AND ALIVE.

I THANK Y'ALL
SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME.
MY NAME IS VANESSA FRACTION.

VANESSA FRACTION,
Y'ALL!

DID YOUR THING, BABY.

VANESSA FRACTION.

GOD DAMN, GOD DAMN,
GOD DAMN.

RIGHT THERE. RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S HOW THEM OLD PLAYAS
BE DANCIN'. GOD DAMN.

GOD DAMN.

ONE MORE TIME FOR
VANESSA FRACTION, Y'ALL.

WE GOT DEAD LUKE
IN THE HOUSE!

I THOUGHT YOU WAS PUFF DADDY
FOR REAL, NIGGA.

THAT NIGGA'S OUT THERE
DANCING LIKE A MOFO.

WE GOT WENDY RAQUEL!

HER MAN WAS JUST SITTING THERE
LIKE, "YEAH, MAN.

Y'ALL KNOW ME TOO, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I'M HER MAN, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?"

A LOT OF YOU NIGGAS BE TRYING
TO DO WHAT WOMEN DO.

Y'ALL CAN'T DO EVERYTHING, MAN,
THE GIRLS BE DOING.

I SEE A LOT OF GIRLS WEARING
THESE SKECHER SCHOOL SHOES.

I'M SEEING NIGGAS
WEARING THEM NOW.

YOU AIN'T GONNA DO NOTHING
BUT MAKE YOUR ASS FATTER.

PERKY ROUND ASS JUST
GET POOCHER OUT THERE.

AND I CAN'T STAND A NIGGA AIN'T
NEVER GOTTEN HIS OWN WEED.

NIGGA JUST SHOW UP
WHEN YOU START SMOKING.

YOU AIN'T SEEN
THIS NIGGA ALL DAY.

SOON AS YOU FIRE
YOUR SHIT UP--

"WHAT'S HAPPENING?
WHAT'S UP?"

I DROPPED MY BLOW ONE TIME.
NIGGA PICKED IT UP AND HIT IT
ON THE WAY UP.

NIGGA'S HERE-- [ inhales ]
"HERE, YOU DONE DROPPED--"

I SAID, "MAN, DON'T HIT
MY SHIT ON THE WAY UP

OF GIVING IT TO ME."

WE GOT ANOTHER SHOUTOUT.

ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADY
UP IN THE HOUSE.

NIA LONG, Y'ALL,
IN THE HOUSE.

THANK YOU, NIA.
DAMN!

BOY, GOD DAMN.
THAT NIGGA TIGER WOODS

FUCKED IT UP FOR EVERY NIGGA
IN THE COUNTRY.

WE GOTTA BE IN THE HOUSE
BY 6:30 NOW.

THIS NIGGA TIGER WOODS FUCKED
EVERYBODY THIS YEAR.

UGLY BITCHES TOO.

BITCHES COMING OUT
OF THE WOODWORK,

"I FUCKED TIGER WOODS.
I FUCKED TIGER WOODS.

I FUCKED TIGER WOODS."

KEYSHIA COLE MAMA FRANKIE:
"I FUCKED TIGER WOODS!"

THIS NIGGA
DONE FUCKED FRANKIE.

BOY, SHE BE GETTING FUCKED UP.
I SEE HER IN THE AIRPORT.

SHE WAS DRUNK AS HELL.
"YOU BETTER STOP TALKING
ABOUT ME!"

I SAID, "YOU BETTER GET
YOUR LITTLE DRUNK ASS BACK."

SHE SAID, "WHEN YOU SEE
YOUR DADDY, TELL HIM
I SAID--" [ moans ]

WHAT'S UP WITH THEM LAKERS?
THE LAKERS!

THAT NIGGA KOBE BRYANT IS
BROKE THE FUCK UP.

THAT NIGGA'S PINKIE
FUCKED UP, ARM.

I SEEN THAT NIGGA SHOOT A SHOT
AND WHEN HE CAME DOWN

NIGGA STARTED RUNNING DOWN
THE COURT LIKE THIS.

LADIES, WOULD Y'ALL GIVE
A NIGGA SOME PUSSY THAT WAS
STILL CLEAN

AND LOOKED LIKE THIS?

GIRL, HE CLEAN AS
A MOTHERFUCKER.

THAT NIGGA TAKE THAT
ONE LITTLE FINGER....

BITCHES BE LIKE,
"HUH-UH-UH."

'CAUSE THEM NIGGAS THAT
GOT A HAND LIKE THAT,

YOU DON'T KNOW THE HAND
LIKE THAT.

THEY ASK FOR THE NUMBER
ON THIS SIDE-- "GIVE ME
YOUR NUMBER."

AS SOON AS YOU GET HIS NUMBER,
"I'LL HIT YOU LATER ON."

"GIVE ME MY NUMBER BACK!"

♪ MR. WHITE MAN!

HE TRYING TO LOOK TOUGH--
BACK ALL THESE NIGGAS IN HERE.

I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL T.M.Z.
THEM LITTLE BITCHES.

[ mocks ]
"I'M A LAWYER."

THEY BE SNEAKING OUT
ON A NIGGA.

THEM MOTHERFUCKERS JUMP
FROM BEHIND SHIT AT THE AIRPORT.

I DON'T EVEN SEE THEM.
THEM MOTHERS COULD JUMP OUT.

"MIKE,
WHAT'S GOING ON, BRO?

WHO'S THE MIDGET YOU'RE WITH?"
I'M LIKE...

THERE'S SOME NIGGAS
IN HERE TONIGHT

THAT'S WITH SOME BITCHES THEY
AIN'T GOT NO BUSINESS WITH.

[ woman screams ]

YOU NEED TO GET RID
OF THAT HO RIGHT THERE.

BALDHEADED-ASS GIRL.

SOME OF Y'ALL GIRLS--

SOME OF Y'ALL GIRLS
CAN'T WEAR BALD HEADS.

I'M TELLING YOU
THAT RIGHT NOW.

YOU LOOK LIKE A CRIP.

BIG FOUR-YARD HEAD BITCH.

I CAN'T FUCK A GIRL
WITH A LOW HAIRCUT

'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE HITTING
HER FROM THE BACK IT MAKING

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE HITTING
YOUR BUDDY OR SOMETHING.

TURN AROUND AND LOOK AT ME
WHEN I'M HITTING IT.

BITCH LOOKING BACK
LIKE THIS.

Y'ALL HAVING A GOOD TIME?
Y'ALL HAVING A GOOD TIME?

COMING TO THE STAGE, THIS NEXT
BROTHER NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION.

YOU KNOW HIM,
NATIONWIDE FUNNY,

GIVE IT UP FOR SCRUNCHO!

HEY, DO ME A FAV--
CUT CUT CUT.

HEY, DO ME A FAVOR:
GIVE MIKE EPPS A STRONG
ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

LOOK, I KNOW-- I KNOW ANYBODY
EVER SEEN ME KNOW

THIS LOOK FOR ME, YOU KNOW,
AND LET ME TELL YOU ALL,

MATURITY AND-AND-AND--
MATURITY AIN'T A BAD THING.

YOU KNOW?
BUT CHANGE IS.
ESPECIALLY ME.

Y'ALL AIN'T USED TO
SEEING ME ALL DICKIES,

AND YOU KNOW, BUT I'M
GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING.

WHEN YOU CHANGE,
IT HURT THE PEOPLE THAT
LOVE YOU THE MOST.

HATERS--
THEY DON'T LIKE CHANGE.

DO YOU KNOW MY DAUGHTER SEEN
ME LEAVE THE HOUSE TONIGHT

WITH THIS LITTLE TUX SUIT ON,

AND SHE STARTED CRYING?
I SAID, "BABY, WHAT'S WRONG?"

SHE SAID, "DADDY,
YOU BETTER GO TO COURT."

HOW MANY MEN
IN HERE GOT DAUGHTERS?
START CLAPPING RIGHT NOW.

- [ scattered applause ]
- UNTIL YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER,

YOU DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND
HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN.

'CAUSE MY DAUGHTER--
I'M MORE PROUD TO SAY

THAT I'M RAISING A DAUGHTER
THAT'S A STRAIGHT-A STUDENT.

THAT MEANS SOMETHING TO ME.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW,
I'M STREET SMART,

AND SHE BOOK SMART.
I MEAN, SHE SMART, HOMIE.

WHEN SHE COME IN THE HOUSE
WITH HER HOMEWORK, I FAKE SLEEP.

I CAN'T HELP WITH ALL THAT.

BUT THIS IS WHAT I DO:
I MAKE SURE SHE GOT
THE NECESSITIES

AND ACCESSORIES TO GET
TO THE NEXT LEVEL.

BUT ANYTHING SHE WANTS,
SHE GOT.

SO SHE WANTED TO GO TO
HER FIRST LITTLE CONCERT.

SO SHE WANTED TO GO SEE THESE
THREE LITTLE WHITE BOYS, UH--

JO-- WHAT'S--

JONAS BROTHERS!
THE JONAS BROTHERS.

LISTEN, MY DAUGHTER LOVE
WHITE BOYS WITH BANGS, RIGHT?

BUT IF SHE LIKE THEM,
I LOVE THEM.

YOU WANT SOME
JONAS BROTHERS' TICKETS?

YOU GOT SOME JONAS BROTHERS'
TICKETS.

BUT THIS IS WHAT
I DIDN'T KNOW.

DID Y'ALL KNOW
JONAS BROTHERS' TICKETS

COST LIKE $328 EACH?

THAT'S WHAT I WAS--
I WAS LIKE, "SHIT!"

GOT HER ASS SOME
ISLEY BROTHER TICKETS.

AND I GOT A TEENAGER SON.

AND ON MY MAMA--
I CAN'T STAND HIS ASS.

I LOVE HIM,
BUT I DON'T LIKE HIM.

LET ME EXPLAIN.
I WAS A GANGSTA FIRST.

RESPECT IS
EVERYTHING TO ME.

HE GONNA COME IN THE HOUSE
THINKIN' HE A LITTLE THUG,

GONNA TELL ME,

"YOU AIN'T GOT MY
NEW AIR JORDANS YET?"

I SAID, "FIRST OF ALL,
I DIDN'T LIKE THE SPIRIT
JUST CAMED OUT OF 'EM.

SECOND OF ALL,
AIR JORDANS COST $120 A PAIR.

IF I'M CORRECT,
YOU SHOULD HAVE

SOME TYPE
OF ATHLETIC TALENT."

HE CAN'T DRIBBLE THE BALL,
SHOOT THE BALL,
CATCH THE BALL.

IF I HAD TO GET HIM SHOES
ACCORDING TO HIS TALENT,

HE'D BE BARE FEET
RIGHT NOW.

Y'ALL DON'T UNDERSTAND.
LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING.

I COME FROM AN ERA
WHERE I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
SHOES CAME IN A BOX.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
I USED TO GET MY STUFF
OUT THE LIQUOR STORE

OR THE A.B.C. MARKETS.
Y'ALL KNOW WHAT I'M
TALKIN' ABOUT?

MY DADDY USED TO ORDER
MY SHOES WITH HIS CIGARETTES.

"LET ME HAVE A HALF PINT
OF HENNESSY,

A PACK OF KOOLS
AND A SIZE 3."

Y'ALL DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I COULDN'T GET $5 OFF MY DADDY

WITHOUT HIM
FRISKING HISSELF.

"$5? MAN, $5?!

$5. $5?
5?

BUT THIS JUST THE ERA
WHERE MEN IS JUST LOSING
THEIR EDGE.

USED TO BE A TIME WHEN--

LET ME EXPLAIN.
TALENT IS NO LONGER
MARKETABLE.

ALL YOU NEED TO DO
TO BE SUCCESSFUL

IS YOU GOT
TO HAVE THE ABILITY
TO HUMILIATE YOURSELF,

HUMILIATE SOMEBODY ELSE,

EXPLOIT YOUR FAMILY
OR DANCE YOUR ASS OFF.

I AIN'T NEVER SEEN SO MANY MEN
DANCIN' IN ALL MY DAYS.

I COME FROM AN ERA
WHERE ALL MEN OF ALL RACES

DANCED ONE WAY--
A SIMPLE TWO-STEP.

ONE, TWO.

ONE, TWO.
EVEN THE WHITE BOYS.

ONE TWO, ONE TWO.

MEXICANS-- UNO, DOS.

UNO...

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY
IS AS A MAN

THERE USED TO BE A TIME
WE UNDERSTOOD

DANCING HAD NOTHING
TO DO WITH US.

DANCING WAS A TIME
FOR A MAN TO WATCH A WOMAN

DANCE HER ESSENCE.
THAT'S WHAT MADE US
FEEL LIKE A MAN.

BUT THIS NEW MILLENNIUM
OF MEN

I LIKE TO REFER TO AS
UNNECESSARY MOTHERFUCKERS,

THEY SEE A WOMAN DANCIN'

AND TAKE THE SHIT
AS A PERSONAL CHALLENGE.

I WAS AT THE CLUB
LAST WEEK,

I HAD TO SLAP THE SHIT
OUT THIS FOOL.

I'M AT THE CLUB.
FEMALES START GETTIN' SEXY.

SO I MAN-UP
AND HIT MY ONE, TWO
AND LET HER SHINE.

THIS OLD UNNECESSARY
WONDERFUL-ASS MOTHERFUCKER

COME, TALKING ABOUT
"NO SHE DIDN'T.

FIVE, SIX, SEVEN."

MOTHERFUCKERING ASS.

SEE, LET ME EXPLAIN
SOMETHING.

AND ON MY MAMA,
CUBE TOLD ME THIS
A LONG TIME AGO.

HE SAID, "BEIN' REAL

IS NOT INTERNAL.
IT'S EXTERNAL."

HE SAID, "EVERY STATE
GOT A HOOD.

EVERY HOOD REPRESENT
THE SAME MENTALITY,

BUT THE RULES IS DIFFERENT."
HE TOLD ME THAT.

WHEN YOU GO TO NEW YORK,
KNOW YOUR BOROUGHS.

IT'S THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN HARLEM, BRONX,
BROOKLYN AND QUEENS.

THAT REALLY MEANS
SOMETHING, SON.

YOU GO TO CHICAGO,
KNOW HOW TO WEAR YOUR HAT

BECAUSE 'EAST SIDE'
MEANS SOMETHING.

COME TO CALIFORNIA,
CRIPS GOT THEIR OWN DANCE.

YOU EVER SEE A BROTHER
DOING ALL THIS,

HE'LL KILL YOUR ASS
IF YOU LET HIM FINISH.

BLOODS GOT THEIR OWN WAY
THEY COMMUNICATE WITH
ONE ANOTHER.

[ mimics call,
audience joins ]

THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY
TO LET YOU KNOW THEY BLOODS.

IF YOU A BLOOD,
YOU ANSWER BACK.
[ mimics call ]

IF YOU NOT A BLOOD,
LISTEN CAREFUL.

GO ABOUT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING
BUSINESS, MAN.

MY COUSIN CAME OUT HERE
THINKING THIS GANGBANGER
STUFF WAS A JOKE,

MESSED AROUND,

AND GOT ME AND HIS ASS
SEVERELY WHUPPED.

WE WALKED THROUGH THE WRONG
NEIGHBORHOOD, THEY HIT US UP.
[ mimics call ]

I'M LIKE,
"NIGGA, JUST KEEP WALKIN'."

THIS COUNTRY MOTHERFUCKER
GONNA TURN AROUND,

TALKIN' ABOUT
COCK-A-DOODLE DO!

BUT IF I AIN'T
TOLD Y'ALL NOTHING,

HEAR ME THIS.

GANGSTAS IS LOSING
THEIR EDGE AT A RAPID RATE.

ABOUT TWO WEEKS AGO
I SWEAR TO GOD I THOUGHT
IT WAS A WRAP.

GANGSTA SLIPPED UP BEHIND ME,
PUT A .44 MAGNUM TO MY HEAD.

I THOUGHT IT WAS A WRAP.
SO I BOWED MY HEAD

TO TRY TO COME UP
WITH A MASTER PLAN.

BUT AS I BOWED MY HEAD

I MESSED AROUND
AND GOT A GLIMPSE
OF MY ASSAILANT.

IMMEDIATELY
I GOT CONFIDENCE.

I GOT STRENGTH.
I BELIEVED IN MYSELF.

BECAUSE AS I LOOKED DOWN,
I NOTICED MY ASSAILANT

HAD ON SOME TURQUOISE
SKINNY JEANS.

I AM NOT GETTING JACKED
BY NO STANKY-LEGGED GANGSTA!

HEY, I'M SCRUNCHO, Y'ALL.
PEACE OUT.

Epps: YEAH, ONE MORE TIME FOR HIM, Y'ALL.

SHOW HIM SOME LOVE.

♪ ALL I DO,
ALL I DO ♪

♪ ALL I DO,
ALL I GOTTA DO ♪

♪ ALL I DO...
COME ON, WHITE MAN.

♪ BABY, ALL I DO.

ONE MORE TIME FOR SCRUNCHO, YO.
ONE MORE TIME FOR HIM!

WHOOEE!

BOY, SCRUNCHO'S UP HERE
TALKING THAT SHIT.

Y'ALL LOOK PRETTY GOOD
OUT HERE TONIGHT.

I BET I WON'T GET
MY HAIR CUT OUT HERE AGAIN.

MY HAIRLINE WAS
RIGHT HERE YESTERDAY.

THAT'S HOW A NIGGA
WITH A BAD HAIRLINE

BE IN THE CLUB--
LIKE THIS.

IF YOU DON'T SEE HIM,
NIGGA BE OVER HERE LIKE THIS.

NIGGA, YOU CAN'T SPIT
THAT HAIRLINE DOWN.

KEKE PALMER
IN THE HOUSE, Y'ALL.
KEKE PALMER.

- Man: KEKE!
- THAT'S RIGHT.

WE HAVING A GOOD TIME? WE HAVING A GOOD TIME?

I SEE A COUPLE NIGGAS
OUT HERE THAT I KNOW WANT
TO BUY A VIAGRA.

- Man: CALL UNCLE RICK!
- LOOK AT THAT-- UNCLE RICK.

I KNOW RICK ROSS.
THE REAL RICK ROSS?

I KNOW THAT NIGGA
GOT A VIAGRA.

I TOOK TWO VIAGRAS
THE OTHER NIGHT

AND THE BITCH
STOOD ME UP.

I'M AT THE WINDOW
JUST WAITIN'.

DICK HARDER
THAN CHINESE ARITHMETIC
AROUND THAT MOTHERFUCKER.

SHE TALKING ABOUT
"I AIN'T GONNA MAKE IT."

I SAID, "YOU'D BETTER
DO SOMETHING

OR I'M GONNA FUCK
THIS COUCH."

Y'ALL READY
FOR SOME MORE SHOW?

COMING TO THE STAGE--
THIS IS MY NIGGA RIGHT HERE--

STRAIGHT OUT
OF THE CHI-TOWN,

KEEP IT ALL THE WAY REAL,
DON'T NEED NO INTRODUCTION,

GIVE IT UP
FOR KENNY HOWELL!

THAT'S THE SHIT!
ALL RIGHT, DJ.

Y'ALL AIN'T ROCKIN'
TO THAT?

IT'S THAT
OLD SCHOOL SHIT.

IT'S WHEN A MOTHERFUCKER
BE SUITED UP LIKE THIS
IN THE CLUB,

DON'T WANT TO MOVE,
BUT BE COOLER THAN
A MOTHERFUCK.

MOTHERFUCKER BUST ONE MOVE
ON YOUR ASS.

SOME MOTHERFUCKERS DON'T
KNOW HOW TO WEAR THE SUIT.
THEY COME IN THE CLUB,

THEIR RECORD COME ON,
THEY BUST OUT LIKE A FAG

THEN TEAR THE WHOLE SUIT UP.
"THAT'S MY SHIT!"

I'M FROM CHICAGO,
GOD DAMN IT, WHERE THE
OLD MEN GET DOWN.

YOU KNOW HOW TO WEAR
THE MOTHERFUCKER.

YOU COME OUT,
SHOW HOW CLEAN YOU ARE.

THEN YOU TAKE THAT MOTHERFUCKIN'
JACKET OFF ON THEY ASS.

[ audience hoots ]

YEAH.

I GREW UP WITH THEM
OLD SCHOOL NIGGAS.

MOTHERFUCKERS THAT BREAK
THEM DANCES OFF
ON YOUR ASS?

YOU EVER SEE THEM OLD NIGGAS
DONE HAD THEM SURGERIES
AND SHIT?

THEIR BACK AND SHIT
BE ALL FUCKED UP?

YOU CAN HEAR THE PAIN
IN THE DANCE.
[ groaning ]

THAT'S MY FATHER AND UNCLE.
THEM MOTHERFUCKERS BREAK
SOME SHIT DOWN.

THEY BE IN THE PARTY,
YOU CAN HOLLER SOMETHING OUT,
THEY'LL DO IT.

LIKE, "GO FISHING!"
"NIGGA, YOU AIN'T SEEN."

I AIN'T LYING. THEY BE COLD.
THEY TAKE THE PARTY OVER.

YOU EVER SEEN THEM BREAK IN
AND CUT A RUG ON YOUR ASS?

THEY'LL BREAK OFF
ABOUT EIGHT DANCES,
GOD DAMN IT.

YOU WON'T KNOW NOT ONE
OF THESE MOTHERFUCKERS,

BUT BY THE TIME
THEY FINISH CALLING
THEM MOTHERFUCKERS OUT,

YOU'LL BE READY TO CALL
ONE OUT YOUR GODDAMN SELF.

MY UNCLE AND MY FATHER
GET READY TO GET OUT THERE.

"JIMMY, CALL A FEW OF 'EM
OUT TO ME."

"YOU READY?"
"CALL 'EM OUT."

"WIND IT UP.
REACH FOR THE SKY.

CLIMB THE POLE.
PLAY THE VIOLIN.

HYPNOTIZE HER.

CLEAN THE WINDSHIELD.
FLY THE HELICOPTER.

GET UP ON HER.
BACK UP OFF OF HER.

DRIVE THE CAR.
SHOOT THE ARROW.

KILL THE ROACH.
NOW KICK HER OUT.

NOW CELEBRATE."

GOD DAMN. I'M TIREDER
THAN A MOTHERFUCKER, SHIT.

WHAT'S UP, L.A.?!
Y'ALL IN THIS BITCH?

[ cheering ]

I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE,
GOD DAMN IT, CELEBRATING
MY WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.

AND MY WIFE HERE.
WHERE YOU AT, BABY?

THAT MY BOO RIGHT THERE.

THAT EIGHT YEARS,
GOD DAMN IT.

YOU KNOW I DIDN'T ASK HER
TO MARRY ME THOUGH, GOD DAMN IT.

NIGGAS'LL WAIT FOREVER BEFORE
WE'LL MARRY YOUR ASS.

WE WAIT TILL THEY
DAMN NEAR DEAD, SHIT.

"SHIT, SHE'S 68.
I'M GONNA MARRY HER
WHEN SHE'S 69.

NOW WE GOT THESE TWO GRANDKIDS,
I'M GONNA GIVE HER MY LAST NAME
BEFORE I GO."

SHE ASKED ME DURING THE GAME. MADE ME SAY YEAH.

I WAS WATCHING.
"NIGGA, WHAT YOU
GONNA DO?!"

I SAID, "ALL RIGHT, GO AHEAD.
WE'LL DO IT NEXT WEEK.

CALL YOUR MAMA IN THE MORNING.

WE'LL DO IT IN THE BACKYARD.
HAVE EVERYBODY COME OVER."

YOU GET MARRIED, NIGGAS BE MAD.
YOU ASK A MOTHERFUCKING MAN

IF HE BE MARRIED,
HE'D BE PISSED OFF.

"NIGGA, YOU MARRIED?"
"THAT BITCH OVER THERE, MAN."

WOMEN GET MARRIED BECAUSE THEY
DONE PUT UP WITH TOO MUCH
OF YOUR SHIT

AND THEY GOTTA GET SOMETHING
OUT OF THE DEAL.

I KNOW HE AIN'T SHIT,
BUT HE GONNA GIVE ME
A MOTHERFUCKING RING.

I DONE PUT UP WITH
TOO MUCH OF HIS SHIT.

I WAS THERE WHEN HE WENT
TO JAIL, BEAT MY MAMA UP,
THREW MY GRANDMA OFF THAT PORCH,

HAD MY DADDY SHOT,
TRIED TO FUCK MY FRIEND."

AND SHE POINTED AT THAT
BIG MOTHERFUCKER.

THAT'S A BIG-ASS NIGGA
THERE, BOY.

WHY DIDN'T YOU BRING YOUR NECK
TO THE PARTY, PLAYA?

THIS NIGGA LOOK LIKE HE BEEN
SAYING "I DON'T KNOW."

THAT NIGGA'S SHIRT IS YOUNGER
THAN A MOTHERFUCKER TOO, NIGGA.

WHAT'S THAT BLOOD PRESSURE GEAR
YOU GOT ON, BIG MAN?

LOOK AT THE SLEEVES--
IS THAT A LONG SHORT-SLEEVE

OR A SHORT LONG-SLEEVE YOU FUCKING WITH?

AT LEAST YOU'RE MARRIED,
GOD DAMN IT.

MARRIAGE IS A MOTHERFUCKER,
GOD DAMN IT.

YOU GET MARRIED,
YOU GOT TO MOVE IN.

WOMAN, Y'ALL CHANGE
WHEN Y'ALL MOVE IN.

Y'ALL AIN'T THE SAME PERSON.

FOR REAL!
BECAUSE WHEN YOU DON'T
LIVE WITH A WOMAN,

THEM MOTHERFUCKERS
ALWAYS LOOK GOOD.

YOU CAN'T EVEN NEVER SNEAK UP
ON THEIR ASS AND CATCH
THEM FUCKED UP.

YOU BE AROUND THE CORNER,
"BOO, I'M RIGHT DOWN THE STREET.
I'M GONNA STOP OFF."

"NO YOU NOT, NIGGA.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO COME
SEE ME LIKE THIS."

BUT WHEN THEY MOVE IN, THEY
DON'T GIVE A FUCK NO MORE.
THEM MOTHERFUCKERS,

THEY COME TO
THE BREAKFAST TABLE, SHIT,

LOOK LIKE
YOUR LITTLE BROTHER.

YOU LIKE, "BYRON?"
"NO, MOTHERFUCKER, IT'S ME!

COFFEE ON THE TABLE.
I GOTTA GO GET MY SHIT
TOGETHER."

LIKE, "DID I MARRY THIS
UGLY-ASS NIGGA WHO JUST LEFT
UP OUT THE KITCHEN?"

AND CERTAIN THINGS THEY CAN
DO CAN CHANGE THE WAY THEY
LOOK TO YOU TOO

IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW IT
ABOUT THEM-- FOR REAL.

'CAUSE MY WIFE MOVED IN,
DID SOMETHING AND CHANGED
THE WAY SHE LOOKED TO ME.

I AIN'T LYING. SHE MOVED IN
AND WENT IN THE BATHROOM

AND TOOK THAT FIRST SHIT.

AND I SMELLED
THAT MOTHERFUCKER!
SHI-IIIT!

SHE DON'T LOOK THE SAME
TO ME NO MORE TODAY,
GOD DAMN IT.

NO, I DIDN'T KNOW A WOMAN COULD
SMELL LIKE THAT. SHIT.

I HAD TO ASK HER,
"BOO, DIDN'T WE EAT
THE SAME THING?

THIS SHIT SMELL LIKE MY FATHER
AND I KNOW HE HALF-GORILLA."

THEY BLAME IT ON OTHER SHIT.
"THAT'S 'CAUSE I'M
ON MY PERIOD."

BABY, THAT CAME OUT YOUR ASS,
NOT YOUR PUSSY.

NOW YOU CAN BULLSHIT THE NEXT
MOTHERFUCKER, BUT I AIN'T--

FOR REAL.
WOMEN ARE MOTHERFUCKERS
WHEN YOU LIVE WITH THEM, BOY.

THEY PLAY THE FART GAME.
A WOMAN'LL POOT AROUND YOU
AND WON'T SAY SHIT.

BUT THAT'S COOL.
I DON'T MIND THEM NOT
CLAIMING THE SMELL.

BUT WHAT BOTHERS ME IS
THEM MOTHERFUCKERS'LL POOT

AND SIT THERE AND ACT LIKE
THEY DON'T EVEN SMELL
THE MOTHERFUCKER.

NOW THAT BOTHERS ME.

DON'T LET ME BE THE ONLY PERSON
IN THE ROOM LOOKING

FOR THIS DUDE WHO'S SMELL
YOU KNOW THAT YOU JUST DID IT.

HELP ME FIND WHERE
THIS SHIT COME FROM.

WE'LL BE WATCHING TV
AND THE WHOLE SMELL
IN THE ROOM CHANGE.

YOU'D BE IN A STATE OF SHOCK.
"GOD DAMN!

BABY, YOU SMELL THIS SHIT?"

AND SHE LOOKING AROUND,
"SMELL WHAT?"

YOU LOOKING UNDER HER SHOES.
"DID YOU STEP ON SOME DOGSHIT
OR SOMETHING?"

BUT LET YOU POOT,
THIS SAME INNOCENT WOMAN

WILL CUSS YOUR ASS OUT.

AS SOON AS YOU
SAY "OOH, MY FAULT"--
"OOH, YOU NASTY MOTHERFUCKER!

GET THE KIDS OUT THE HOUSE!

HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO LIVE
IN HERE IF WE AIN'T GOT

NO INSURANCE FOR THIS SHIT
YOU JUST DID?

THIS SHIT ALL IN THE FOOD.
YOU DONE FUCKED UP DINNER.

COME ON, KIDS, GET YOUR COATS.
YOUR NASTY-ASS DADDY DONE
SHITTED IN THE MEAL."

GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKER.

YOU CAN HEAR YOUR WOMAN POOT,
SHE STILL WON'T TAKE THE BLAME.

SHE'LL BLAME IT
ON SOMETHING ELSE.
SOMETHING CAUSED HER TO DO IT.

AND LOOK, THEY BE TRYING
TO SNEAK IT OUT BECAUSE THEY
HAVE THEIR ASS CHEEKS TIGHT.

AND THEY TRY TO SIFT IT OUT,

BUT IT HAVE A LITTLE BIT
TOO MUCH POWER FOR HER ASS.

AND THAT MOTHERFUCKER
RIFFLE OUT

LIKE A LITTLE PIECE
OF LIGHTNING: BRRRRR.

LIKE, "THAT WAS YOU!"

"HUH-UH, THAT'S THAT
MEDICATION I'M TAKING."

YEAH WELL, I AIN'T
NO DOCTOR OR NOTHING,

BUT TYLENOL DON'T SMELL LIKE
SHIT WHEN YOU OPEN THE BOTTLE.

BUT WE PAY THEIR ASS BACK
BECAUSE WE'LL POOT IN THE BED.

YEAH, THEY HATE THAT SHIT.

SEE, WOMEN POLITE.
THEY WON'T POOT IN THE BED.

FOR REAL.
THEY'LL GET UP AT 4:00
IN THE MORNING TO GO POOT.

YOU KNOW THEY POOTING BECAUSE
YOU'LL SEE THEM COME OUT

OF THE BATHROOM ABOUT
4:00 IN THE MORNING,

DON'T SEE NO LIGHTS ON,
DON'T HEAR NO TOILET
FLUSHING, SHIT.

JUST SEE A MOTHERFUCKER
FLOATING OUT THE DOOR.

WHERE THIS BITCH
JUST COMING FROM?

BUT WE AIN'T GETTING UP,
GOD DAMN IT,

AND WE PAY YOUR ASS BACK
FOR ALL THAT PAIN.

'CAUSE WE'RE POOTING RIGHT
UP UNDER THEM COVERS

AND WE LET OUT ONE OF THEM
QUIET BUT SOFT MOTHERFUCKERS.

YOU KNOW, THE ONES THAT
SOUND LIKE A FIRECRACKER
DIDN'T GO OFF.

YOU KNOW--
[ hisses, soft pops ]

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN TELL
DOO-DOO RIGHT BEHIND IT.

THAT'S WHEN YOU GRAB THAT COVER
AND SWING THAT BREEZE.

SHE'S LIKE, "AHHH!"

AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"I GOT HER ASS! HA HA!"

SHIT, MARRIAGE IS WAR,
GOD DAMN IT.

WHEN YOU MOVE IN, SHIT CHANGE,
GOD DAMN IT.

YOU DON'T GET SEX NO MORE.

WOMEN DON'T LIKE TO GIVE YOU
NOTHING WHEN THEY MOVE IN.

YOU GET FUCKED ON PAY DAY.

YOU BE MAKING UP SHIT.
"YOU KNOW WE GOT PAID EARLY
THIS WEEK, RIGHT?"

"LET ME SEE THE CHECK STUB."
"THEY GAVE US CASH, BITCH."

WOMEN THE MOTHERFUCKER.
THEN THEY WANT TO DO ALL
THAT FOREPLAY SHIT.

THEY TRY TO DO SHIT TO US
THAT WE DO TO THEM,

LIKE LICK ALL ON
YOUR TITTIES AND SHIT.

DON'T BE SUCKING ON MY TITTIES.
I DON'T LIKE THAT SHIT.

HOW MANY NIGGAS LIKE
THEIR TITTIES LICKED?

YOU LIKE YOUR TITTY
LICKED, BIG MAN?

I DON'T LIKE MY TITTY LICKED. FUCK THAT.

NO, I DON'T LIKE MY TITTY LICKED
BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW
THE FUCK TO FEEL.

I'M TRYING TO FEEL LIKE A MAN,
YOU GOT ME TINGLING AND SHIT.

I'M 'BOUT READY TO HAUL OFF
AND BUST YOU

IN THE SIDE OF
YOUR MOTHERFUCKING HEAD.

FUCK I LOOK LIKE BIG-ASS MAN,
MY LITTLE BITTY NIPPLE HARD.

AND THEY BE TEARING
THAT MOTHERFUCKER UP.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL GO ON AND
STICK YOUR FINGER IN MY ASS NOW.

I FEEL LIKE A FAG.

I AIN'T LYING ON THEIR ASS.

CAN'T GET NO HEAD OUT
OF THE DEAL, GOD DAMN IT.

BLACK WOMEN DON'T LIKE
SUCKING DICK AS IT IS.

FOR REAL, THEY DON'T GIVE YOU
HEAD BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED.

BUT WHEN YOU GET MARRIED,

THEY SHORTEN THAT SHIT UP
TO SPECIAL OCCASIONS.

FOR REAL. BLACK MEN,
WE GET OUR DICK SUCKED
ON VALENTINE'S DAY--

YOU SPEND SOME MONEY,
YOU GET YOUR SICK SUCKED.

YOUR BIRTHDAY IS
A GOOD DICK-SUCK DAY.

YOU GET PAROLE,
YOU CAN GET YOUR DICK SUCKED.

CHRISTMAS IS
A GOOD DICK-SUCK DAY.

OH, WE KNOW WE GETTING OUR DICK
SUCKED ON CHRISTMAS-- SHIT.

WE WENT AND SPENT
ALL THAT MONEY.

BUT WE DON'T GIVE THEM PRESENTS
OUT RIGHT AWAY, DO WE?

WE HELD THEM
MOTHERFUCKERS HOSTAGE.

WE BE BUTT-NAKED
WITH THEM PRESENTS,

SINGING: ♪ I'M GONNA GET
MY DICK SUCKED. ♪

SHE BE IN THE OTHER ROOM
DREADING IT.

"GOTTA GO ON IN AND SUCK
THIS NIGGA'S DICK.

OH, CHRISTMAS IS
SOME BULLSHIT!"

LOOK, THEY BE MAD AT YOU.

"LOOK, DON'T BUY ME NOTHING NEXT
YEAR IF I GOT TO DO THIS SHIT."

THEN THEY ACT LIKE
THEY HATE THE DICK--

"HERE, COME ON IN THE OTHER
MOTHERFUCKING ROOM."

YOU'RE LIKE, "HOLD ON!"
THEY SAY, "COME ON AWAY
FROM MY KIDS."

THEM BLACK WOMEN SLICK.
THEY DON'T PUT THEIR LIPS RIGHT
ON THE MOTHERFUCKER.

NO, THEY LIKE TO PLAY WITH IT
SO-- MAKE IT TRYING
TO JACK YOU OFF

SO THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE
SUCKING LONG.

FOR REAL.
THEY BE TALKING ABOUT
"HOLD ON, LET ME GET IT READY."

YOU'RE LIKE, "BITCH,
IT'S READY."

"UH-HUH,
I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING."

"I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK
YOU'RE DOING."

BE LIKE, "HOLD ON, HUH-UH."

YOU'RE LIKE, "GIRL, SPIT ON IT
OR SOMETHING BEFORE I COME."

THEY'LL DO THAT
"PFFT, MERRY CHRISTMAS,
NIGGA" SHIT.

HEY. AND WHEN THEY DO
HIT YOU SOME HEAD,

YOU GOT TO BE ON YOUR
BEST BEHAVIOR.

'CAUSE BLACK WOMEN LOOKING
FOR ANY REASON TO TAKE IT OUT.

THEY BE LOOKING UP AT YOU LIKE,
"ONE FALSE MOVE, I'M COMING UP
OFF THIS MOTHERFUCKER."

YOU BE SITTING THERE,
"I AIN'T GONNA FUCK UP.
I AIN'T GONNA FUCK UP."

BUT YOU ALWAYS FUCK UP WHEN
IT GET GOOD, GOD DAMN IT.

IF IT GET GOOD,
THAT'S WHEN YOU GRAB HER HEAD

AND THAT'S WHEN YOU FUCK UP.

AS SOON AS YOU GRAB
A BLACK WOMAN HEAD,

SHE'S SNATCHING THE DICK
RIGHT OUT OF HER MOUTH.

AND GONNA DROP A FEW RULES
ON YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ASS.

AS SOON AS YOU GRAB THE HEAD--
"WAIT, MOTHERFUCKER, GET YOUR
HAND OUT OF MY HAIR!

YOU WANT ME TO FINISH THIS,
PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND
YOUR BACK."

YOU'D BE LIKE ALL--

BUT YOU GIVE THEM SOME HEAD,
THEY GONNA ENJOY THEIRSELF.

THEY'LL PUSH YOUR FACE ALL
THE WAY THROUGH TO THEIR ASS.

YOU COME UP, YOUR FACE SMELLING
LIKE COOTCHIE, YOUR CHIN
SMELLING LIKE SHIT.

YOU'RE LIKE, "GOD DAMN,
I GOT TO GO TO WORK LIKE THIS.

THIS BITCH DON'T GIVE A FUCK
ABOUT ME, I CAN TELL YOU THAT."

FOR REAL.

PUSSY DON'T JUST GO AWAY.
THAT SHIT BE ON YOUR FACE
A LONG TIME.

THAT SHIT GO UP UNDER
YOUR SKIN AND GROW BACK OUT
IN YOUR MUSTACHE.

YOU BE AT WORK TWO DAYS LATER
AND NIGGA'S BE SMELLING YOU
AND SHIT.

BE LIKE, "DAMN, NIGGA, IS THAT
YOU SMELLING LIKE PUSSY?"

"THAT WAS TWO DAYS AGO, MAN.
IT'S BULLSHIT."

THEM MOTHERFUCKERS
WANT EVERYTHING.

WOMEN, THEM MOTHERFUCKERS
CAN COME AND KEEP GOING.

AND THAT'S FUCKED UP BECAUSE
THEY BE WORKING ON NUMBER TWO

AND YOU SITTING THERE,
STRUGGLING TO STAY UP,

TRYING TO SATISFY HER
THE FIRST MOTHERFUCKING TIME.

YOU EVER BE MAD BECAUSE
YOU'RE FUCKING TOO LONG

AND BITCH WON'T NEVER COME?
SHE WORKING ON NUMBER TWO!

YOU BE IN THAT MOTHER LIKE,
"GOD DAMN, MAN, THIS BITCH
AIN'T GONNA NEVER COME.

I GOTTA WORK IN THE MORNING.
MY BACK HURTING.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG
WITH HER?!"

SHE DONE SNUCK A COME
ON YOUR DUMB ASS.

WHEN THEY GO
INTO THAT SEIZURE AND SHIT,
BE REACHING FOR SHIT,

TALKING TO JESUS.

BUT WE CAN'T HIDE NO NOTHING.
Y'ALL KNOW WHEN WE DONE CAME.

IT'S LIKE SOMEBODY SHOCKED
THE SHIT OUT OF OUR ASS.

WE COULD HOLD A QUARTER
IN OUR ASS.

BUT THAT'S OUR BEST FEELING.
WHEN WE BUST OUR NUT, BOY,

THAT SHIT IS GREAT.
OUR NUT FEEL BETTER THAN Y'ALLS

'CAUSE WHEN WE COME IT'S LIKE
WE DON'T EVEN KNOW
YOUR ASS NO MORE.

FOR REAL.
WE'LL CHOKE THE SHIT OUT
OF THEM MOTHERFUCKERS.

AND Y'ALL KNOW WHEN Y'ALL
ABOUT TO GET CHOKED.

THEY KNOW WHEN WE THREATENING
TO CHOKE THEM BECAUSE OUR
LAST SEVEN STROKES

ARE EXACTLY THE SAME--
STRAIGHT AHEAD.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF WE BEEN
MANEUVERING AROUND, GOD DAMN IT,

WHEN WE FEEL THAT NUT COMING,
WE WANT EACH STROKE

TO FEEL LIKE THAT LAST ONE.

AND THAT TINGLE GETS
STRONGER-- HA HA HA!

"BUT WAIT A MINUTE.
MY HEAD OFF THE HEADBOARD."

"FUCK THAT."
"BUT I CAN'T BREATHE."

"WELL, BITCH, I CAN BREATHE."
"I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS."

"KISS YOUR MOTHERFUCKER--"

HEY, Y'ALL,
KENNY HOWELL, L.A.
GOD BLESS, Y'ALL.

Epps: YEAH!

KENNY HOWELL, Y'ALL.

NASTY MOTHERFUCKER
RIGHT THERE.

I SEEN A GIRL THE OTHER DAY,
MAN, SHE HAD A DOG WITH HER.

I SAID, "I LIKE YOUR PIG."

SHE SAID, "THAT'S A DOG."

I SAID, "I WAS TALKING
TO THE DOG, BITCH."

ALL RIGHT,
I'LL TAKE IT BACK.
SHIT.

I AM WRONG FOR THAT.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, THIS IS JOKES
THOUGH, MOTHERFUCKER.

THAT'S WHAT--

I AIN'T A MOTIVATIONAL
SPEAKER, MOTHERFUCKER.

WHUP THESE
MOTHERFUCKING KIDS, MAN.
THESE GODDAMNED KIDS.

I KNOW YOU GOT TO WHUP THEM
'CAUSE I DIDN'T GET

NO ASS-WHUPPINGS,
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED.

I SHOULD HAVE GOT
MY ASS WHUPPED MORE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

BUT I'D RATHER TAKE AN
ASS-WHUPPING THAN A PUNISHMENT.

YOU REMEMBER
WHEN YOU WAS A KID,

GET SENT TO THE ROOM?
FUCK THAT.

THAT'S LIKE SOLITARY
CONFINEMENT.

"GO TO YOUR ROOM!"

I'D RATHER TAKE THE ASS WHUPPING
BECAUSE ALL DAY YOU KEEP
TRYING TO GET UP.

KEEP COMING TO THE DOOR:
"MAMA.

MAMA.

MAMA!"

THEY IGNORE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.

"MA-AAAA!

WHY DON'T YOU SAY
SOMETHING?!"

BUT YOU AIN'T COMING
OUT OF THAT ROOM.

10 MINUTES LATER,
NIGGA RIGHT BACK:
"MAMA.

PLEASE LET ME UP.
I WON'T DO IT AGAIN.
PLEASE.

I WON'T FLICK ANOTHER BOOGER
AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE.

MA-MA!"

THAT'S WHEN NIGGA
GET MAD TRYING TO GET
SOME ATTENTION OUT OF YOU.

"EH, BULLSHIT!"

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TROUBLE WHEN
SHE COME IN THERE AND SAY,

"LET ME CALL YOU RIGHT BACK.
I'LL CALL YOU RIGHT BACK."

NOW YOU IN THERE LIKE PRECIOUS,
HIDING BEHIND--

YOU IN THERE CRYING
LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.

YOU HEAR HER ON THE PHONE
TELLING EVERYBODY:

"I TRIED TO KILL THAT
NIGGA'S ASS EARLIER TODAY."

REGINA HALL IN THE HOUSE, Y'ALL.
REGINA HALL!

AND THIS IS GONNA REALLY
FUCK Y'ALL UP, MAN.

I KNOW ALL Y'ALL--
Y'ALL KNOW MICHAEL JORDAN?

HIS COUSIN'S IN THE BACK--
TONY JORDAN.

WHAT'S UP, TON'?

Y'ALL READY FOR
THE NEXT COMEDIAN?!

COMING TO THE STAGE, THIS NEXT
BROTHER NEED NO INTRODUCTION.

STRAIGHT OUT OF THE BRONX,
NEW YORK, PUT YOUR
HANDS TOGETHER

FOR ROB STAPLETON!

WHAT'S UP, L.A.?
MAKE SOME NOISE!

[ funk music playing ]

THAT'S MY SHIT.
THEY PLAY IT AT MY CHURCH
EVERY SUNDAY.

LIKE THIS.

CUT IT, CUT IT.
LET'S TELL SOME JOKES.
WHAT'S GOING ON?

EVERYBODY GOOD?

YEAH.
I'M FROM NEW YORK.
NEW YORK, L.A., SAME SHIT.

WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
NEW YORK, L.A.,
SAME SHIT.

EVERYBODY IN L.A. GOT A CAR.
IF YOU DON'T HAVE A CAR,
KILL YOURSELF.

YOU EVER BE IN YOUR CAR
AND YOU SEE SOMEBODY
GETTING ON A BUS,

YOU BE LIKE, "GOD DAMN.

I'M GOING BACK AROUND THE BLOCK
TO SEE THIS SHIT AGAIN.

YOU STILL HERE, NIGGA?!"

IF YOU GOT A CAR AND YOU GET
ON THE BUS, JUST FEEL LIKE YOU
DOING COMMUNITY SERVICE.

YOU EVER HAVE A CAR,
YOU GOTTA GET ON THE BUS,
YOU BE LIKE, "DAMN,

THIS IS WHAT THEY BE
DOING AND SHIT?

THEY DO THIS SHIT
EVERY DAY!"

YOU EVEN SIT IN THE BACK--

YOU SIT NEXT TO THE BUS DRIVER.
"THESE NIGGAS IS CRAZY."

YOU DON'T WANNA TALK TO NOBODY.
"EXCUSE ME, HOW DO YOU GET TO--"

"I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW.

I HAVE A CAR.
I'M JUST DOING THIS
TODAY, OKAY?

YOU SAW THAT?
HE TRIED TO TOUCH ME.
I DID LIKE THAT."

YOU START GETTING MAD
AT THE BUS DRIVER.

"YO, MY MAN,
YOU COULD'VE MADE THAT LIGHT.
THIS NIGGA HERE.

I'LL TELL YA-- YOU GOT
TO PICK EVERYBODY UP?
YOU DON'T GIVE A FUCK."

YOU EVER BEEN IN A RUSH?
YOU SEE THE MOTHERFUCKER
IN A WHEELCHAIR GET ON?

HE CRIPPLED
FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.
YOU FROM L.A., NEW YORK.

YOU DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
YOU LOOK OUT THE WINDOW LIKE,

"THIS NIGGA HERE.

THIS SHIT GONNA BE
LIKE 20 MINUTES!

WE CAN'T COME BACK
AND GET THIS MOTHERFUCKER?"

THEY BE LIFTING HIM UP--
[ mimicking machinery ]

YOU BE LIKE,
"THIS IS BULLSHIT!

I GOTTA TAKE A CAB.
WHAT'S THAT GONNA BE? $8?!

GOTTA HIT ME SOME L.A. SHIT
WHILE I'M OUT HERE.

Y'ALL GOT STRIP CLUBS
IN ATLANTA, L.A.,

MOTHERFUCKING MIAMI.

YOU GO TO A STRIP CLUB
IN NEW YORK, IT'S THE WORST
EXPERIENCE OF YOUR LIFE.

I WENT TO ONE STRIP CLUB--
IT WASN'T EVEN A STRIP CLUB.
IT WAS A SUPERMARKET

SOME MOTHERFUCKERS
OPENED UP ON THEIR OWN.

WORST SET OF STRIPPERS
YOU EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE.

ONE CHICK CAME OUT--
BITCH HAD HER KIDS WITH HER.

ANOTHER STRIPPER CAME OUT--
THIS BITCH HAD A COLD.
[ loud cough ]

[ coughs ]
NOSE IS RUNNING.

SHE HAD VICKS
ON HER CHEST.

THE SHIT GOT WORSE.
"HOW COULD SHIT GET WORSE?"

MOTHERFUCKERS
HAD A MIDGET STRIPPER.

THEY HAD A LITTLE SHORT BITCH
NAMED SWEET N' LOW.

THE BITCH HAD HER
OWN MUSIC AND EVERYTHING.

SLID DOWN THE POLE,
I FUCKIN' LOST IT.

[ music playing ]

FAT ASS.

SHE SLID DOWN THE POLE,
NIGGA, I LOST IT.

SHE PICKED UP SPEED
THE SECOND TIME.

[ music stops ]

I'M GOING TO HELL.
I'M GOING TO HELL.
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
I'M TRYING TO GET A DEAL.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

I FEEL GOOD.
I FEEL GOOD RIGHT NOW.

I GOT A CONDOM ON JUST IN CASE
SOME SHIT POP OFF LATER.

LET'S KICK IT
UP A NOTCH, LADIES.
LET'S KICK IT UP A NOTCH.

FELLAS, YOU EVER HAVE
SOME PUSSY SO GOOD,

YOU COME HOME
AND TELL YOUR WIFE?

YOU EVER HAVE SOME PUSSY
SO GOOD, YOU COME HOME
AND START PACKING?

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"
"TO MY MOM'S HOUSE."

THAT BITCH GONNA BE ANGRY
WHEN SHE FIND OUT.

I LIKE WOMEN TO MAKE
A LOT OF NOISE.

I CAN'T STAND
A QUIET WOMAN DURING SEX.

I CAN'T STAND A QUIET WOMAN.
WHITE WOMEN THEATRICAL.

WHITE WOMEN--
"OOH YEAH, OH YEAH

OH MY GOD, YEAH.

OOH, MY GOD,
WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

OH MY GOD.

OH MY GOD.

OOH. YOU'RE
A HEAT-SEEKING MISSILE.

OH MY GOD."

BLACK WOMEN CAN'T
SHUT THE FUCK UP.

"OH SHIT, YOU BIG-DICKED,
BOW-LEGGED--

I GOT TWO SICK DAYS LEFT,
MOTHERFUCK--

OH SHIT.
YOU LIKE CORNBREAD?"
"I LOVE CORNBREAD.

I WAS JUST THINKING
ABOUT CORNBREAD."

MY SPANISH WOMEN--
I AIN'T SAYIN' SPANISH WOMEN

GOT THE BEST PUSSY
IN THE WORLD,

BUT THEY MAKE YOU FEEL
LIKE YOU GOT THE BEST DICK
THAT DAY.

SPANISH WOMEN SAY
ALL TYPES OF SHIT AIN'T GOT
NOTHING TO DO WITH THE DICK.

[ moaning,
speaking Spanish ]

[ counting in Spanish ]

[ speaking random
Spanish words ]

[ singing in Spanish ]

"I AM THE KING
OF THE PUSSY!"

FELLAS, YOU EVER BE FUCKING,
YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD STOP,
BUT YOU DON'T?

THIS BE SOME PUSSY
YOU WANTED FOR THE LONGEST,

YOU FINALLY GOT IT,
YOU BE LIKE, "OH SHIT,"

YOU BE IN IT,
YOU BE LIKE, "OH SHIT.

YOU ALL RIGHT?"
"OOH, OH SHIT, I'M GOOD."

YOU BE LIKE...

ALL OF A SUDDEN
HER BODY CHANGE--
HER BODY LANGUAGE.

SHE BE LIKE,
"OH MY GOD."

HER SON WALKED IN THE ROOM.

SHE SAYS, "STOP, MY SON
WALKED IN THE ROOM."

YOU BE LIKE,
"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

HEYYYY."

[ growling ]

"AVATAR!

JUST FUCKIN' WITH HIM."

LET ME SAY THIS ONE THING.
WOMEN GOT THIS BOND.

WOMEN, Y'ALL GOT THIS
MOTHERFUCKIN' BOND.

FELLAS, HEAR ME OUT
ON THIS.

ALL WOMEN GOT ONE GIRL
THAT'S YOUR BITCH.

YOU GOT GIRLFRIENDS,
BUT YOU GOT ONE GIRL
THAT'S YOUR BITCH.

YOU MIGHT BE WITH A COUPLE
OF GIRLFRIENDS.

GIRLFRIEND, GIRLFRIEND,
GIRLFRIEND-- THAT'S MY BITCH.

SOMEHOW SHE'S DIFFERENT
THAN ALL THE OTHER FEMALES.

Y'ALL EVEN TALK
TO EACH OTHER LIKE THAT--

"HI, HO. I LIKE YOUR BOOTS."
"I KNOW YOU DO, BITCH."

BECAUSE THAT'S
YOUR BITCH.

YOU'LL DO ANYTHING
FOR YOUR BITCH.

HER PROBLEMS BECOME
YOUR PROBLEMS.

SHE CALL YOU 3:00
IN THE MORNING.
[ mimics phone ]

"HELLO?"
"KEISHA, DO ME A FAVOR.

CAN YOU WATCH THESE KIDS?
I GOT TO GET THESE KIDS UP,
GET THEM DRESSED,

BRING THEM TO YOUR
MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE."
"BITCH, WHAT HAPPENED?"

"CAN YOU WATCH THESE
MOTHERFUCKING KIDS FOR ME?"

"GIRL, IF IT'S THAT
MOTHERFUCKIN' SERIOUS,

THEM KIDS GOT SCHOOL
IN THE MORNING. LET THEM
STAY IN THE BED.

I'MA GET DRESSED,
HOP IN MY CAR, DRIVE TO
YOUR FUCKIN' HOUSE.

WE GONNA
PUT ON A POT OF COFFEE

AND WE GONNA TALK ABOUT
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON."
"THANK YOU, BITCH."

THAT'S YOUR FUCKIN' GIRL.
HER PROBLEMS BECOME
YOUR PROBLEMS.

LIKE I SAID, YOU MIGHT BE
WITH THREE FEMALES TONIGHT,

BUT ONLY ONE OF THEM
IS YOUR BITCH.

YOU GET IN A FIGHT,
SHE CALLS YOU AT 2:00
IN THE MORNING.

[ mimics phone ]
"KEISHA, I'M AT THAT CLUB
WHERE PAM HAD HER PARTY.

I SWEAR TO GOD
THERE'S FOUR BIG BITCHES
IN THE PARKING LOT

NEAR MY CAR.
THEY SAY IF I GO OUT,
THEY'RE GONNA FUCK MY ASS UP."

"WHAT?!
BITCH, STAY IN THE CLUB
NEAR THE DJ BOOTH.

I'M CALLING YVONNE,
MICHELLE, AISHA.

WE GONNA BE THERE
IN 30 MINUTES!"

"MY BITCH
IS COMING OUT!

HURRY UP THOUGH, BITCH.
HURRY UP."

I'M GONNA TELL YOU.
YOU KNOW WHY IT IS?

I'M GONNA TELL Y'ALL.
GOOD DICK CAN DO SHIT

BAD DICK CAN'T DO.

YOU HEAR ME?
GOOD DICK CAN DO SHIT

BAD DICK CAN'T DO.

YOU GOT GOOD DICK,
YOU CALL ANYTIME.

YOU GOT BAD DICK,
YOU CAN'T CALL AFTER 11:00.

ALL THE BAD DUDES--
THE BAD-DICK DUDES

IS LIKE THIS:
"OH SHIT.

THIS SHIT TURNED
INTO A SEMINAR."

WOMEN DON'T WANT
THAT BULLSHIT.

YOU THE BAD DICK MOTHERFUCKER?
[ mimics phone ]

"HELLO?"
"HEY, WHAT'S UP?
THIS IS MIKE. YOU ASLEEP?"

"MIKE, YOU KNOW
WHAT FUCKIN' TIME IT IS?

MIKE, IT IS 1:30
IN THE MOTHERFUCKING MORNING.

WHY WOULD YOU CALL MY HOUSE
THIS MOTHERFUCKING LATE?"

"I WAS COMING FROM THE CLUB.
I THOUGHT I COULD COME BY."

"COULD YOU COME BY?
BYE, NIGGA."

LOOK AT THE DUDES
WITH THE BAD DICK.

"WHAT TIME DID HE SAY?
WHAT TIME?

11:00 OR 11:15?"
LISTEN TO ME.

LISTEN TO ME
BEFORE I GET FUCK
UP OUT OF HERE

IF YOU GOT GOOD DICK,

YOU COULD CALL
AT ANY MOTHERFUCKING TIME.

YOU HEAR ME?
YOU CALL AT ANY
MOTHERFUCKING TIME.

YOU CALL WHEN IT'S LATE,
THE SUN'S COMING UP

AND WHITE PEOPLE
ARE JOGGING.

YOU GOT THAT GOOD DICK,
YOU CALL AT 5:15.

[ mimics phone ]

"HELLO?"
"WHAT'S UP? IT'S RASHID."

"HI, RASHID."
"WERE YOU SLEEPIN'?"

"NO, I WAS JUST
VACUUMING THE HOUSE."

"COULD I COME OVER?"

"YOU COULD COME OVER.
NO, FIVE MINUTES IS GOOD."

"FIVE? I'M OUTSIDE"
"YOU OUTSIDE?!"

L.A., I LOVE Y'ALL.
ROB STAPLETON.

PEACE AND LOVE!

Epps:
ROB STAPLETON.

ROB STAPLETON, Y'ALL.

GIVE IT UP FOR HIM
ONE MORE TIME.

ROB STAPLETON.

PATTI LaBELLE,
WHERE YOU GOIN'?

LOOK LIKE YOU GOT A LUVS ON
RIGHT UP UNDER THEM PANTS.

A PAMPER.

ONE MORE TIME
FOR ROB STAPLETON--

ANOTHER
NASTY MOTHERFUCKER.

Man: DAY-DAY!

MY NAME AIN'T DAY-DAY,
MOTHERFUCKER.

ICE CUBE,
SEE WHAT YOU DID?
YOU NAMED ME.

NIGGA NAMED
ME DAY-DAY NOW.

- Man #2: JELLYROLL!
- JELLYROLL! JELLYROLL!

RUSSELL REDDS, JELLYROLL
IN CONJUNCTION.

- DID Y'ALL SEE THAT MOVIE?
- Audience: YEAH!

AND YOU BOUGHT IT
ON BOOTLEG TOO, MOTHERFUCKERS.

ALL RIGHT, WE GONNA KEEP THIS PARTY TRAIN ROLLING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
OBAMA'S IN OFFICE,

SO I GOTTA KEEP
AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY
THING GOING.

I DO HAVE
WHITE EMPLOYEES.

SO PUT
YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

FOR ONE OF THE BADDEST
WHITE BOYS IN THE COUNTRY.

THIS MOTHERFUCKER'S FUNNY!

GARY OWEN!

THAT'S ALL I GOT-- ONE BEAT.
I GOT ONE BEAT, THAT'S IT.

[ falsetto ]
BOOM BOOM BOOM.

'CAUSE I AIN'T GOT TWO.
I JUST GOT THE ONE HAND.

BINK BINK BINK!

I FUCK UP WITH TWO.
I'VE JUST GOT THE ONE.

I'LL BE AT NIGHTCLUBS
WITH ONE ARMS.
BAM BAM BAM.

GOOD TO BE HERE
IN L.A., MAN. L.A.

A LOT OF CELEBRITIES
IN THE AUDIENCE.

I SAW MORRIS
CHESTNUT'S HERE.

AM I THE ONLY ONE?
EVERY TIME I SEE
"BOYZ N THE HOOD"

I THINK RICKY MIGHT LIVE
FOR SOME REASON.

LIKE WHEN HE'S RUNNING
IN THE ALLEY,

YOU THINK HE MIGHT MAKE
A LEFT OR SOMETHING.

YOU BE PULLIN' FOR MORRIS.
"DON'T GO TO THE STORE!

YOU PASSED THE TEST!

THE BLOODS ARE COMING
IN A TINY CAR, MORRIS!

THEY'RE GONNA KILL YOU."

YOU BE PULLIN', MAN.
"STOP EATING THE FUCKING
TWINKIES, BRO.

PAY ATTENTION."

YOU DIE EVERY TIME.

IT'S JUST DOUGHBOY.

FUCK.

IT'S GOOD.
HE WAS GOOD IN THAT MOVIE.

YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M GLAD ABOUT?

LAST COUPLE WEEKS,
I'M GLAD TIGER'S JUST
BACK TO PLAYING GOLF.

YOU KNOW?

MAN!

I HEAR EVERY COMMENTATOR
TALKIN' ABOUT TIGER.

I DON'T BLAME HIM
FOR NOTHING.

I BLAME HIS WIFE
FOR EVERYTHING.
EVERYTHING.

I DON'T BLAME TIGER
FOR SHIT, YOU KNOW?

LADIES, LISTEN TO ME.
IF YOU'RE MARRIED TO
A BILLIONAIRE,

DON'T CHECK HIS PHONE.
LEAVE HIM ALONE.

HE'S A BILLIONAIRE, OKAY?

YOU DON'T CHECK
A BILLIONAIRE'S PHONE, OKAY?

NOW IF YOU'RE MARRIED
TO A MAN WHO MAKES
$50,000 A YEAR,

CHECK HIS SHIT,
YOU KNOW?

YOU CAN FIND ANOTHER MAN
WHO MAKES $50,000 A YEAR.

YOU AIN'T GONNA FIND
ANOTHER BILLIONAIRE.

DON'T TIGER'S WIFE
KNOW SHE PEAKED?

SHE GOT NOWHERE TO GO
BUT DOWN AFTER TIGER.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING:
IF MY WIFE'S A BILLIONAIRE,

I'M NOT CHECKING SHIT.

SHE CAN DO
WHATEVER SHE WANTS.

I'M NOT FUCKING UP
MY LIFESTYLE.

'CAUSE SHE WANTS A LITTLE DICK ON THE SIDE,

SHE DESERVES THAT DICK.
SHE'S A BILLIONAIRE!

"YOU EARNED THAT DICK, BABY.
THAT'S YOUR DICK.

YOU ENJOY THAT DICK.
THAT IS YOUR DICK.

ALL RIGHT?
WHATEVER YOU DO WITH HIM
AIN'T GOT SHIT TO DO WITH US.

WE GOOD.
YES, IT'S YOUR DICK, BABY.

YOU ENJOY THAT DICK.
THAT IS YOUR DICK."

YOU DON'T CHECK
A BILLIONAIRE'S PHONE!

HOW YOU ONLY GOT
ONE PHONE, TIGER?

ONE PHONE?
JUST ONE GODDAMN PHONE?

ONE?
JUST ONE?

GODDAMN.
I'M A BILLIONAIRE?
I GOT 365 PREPAIDS.

WHAT THE FUCK'S
GOIN' ON?

LOT OF PRETTY GIRLS
IN L.A.

I MEAN, L.A. GOT SOME
PRETTY GIRLS, MAN.

GOT SOME UGLY
MOTHERFUCKERS TOO THOUGH.

WOW!
SHIT!

THAT'S THE ONE THING
I DON'T UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN.

WHY DON'T UGLY WOMEN
KNOW THEY'RE UGLY?

THAT SHIT
BOTHERS ME, LADIES.

HOW DO YOU NOT
KNOW YOU UGLY?

PRETTY WOMEN KNOW
THEY'RE PRETTY.

WHY DON'T UGLY WOMEN
KNOW THEY'RE UGLY?

IF YOU ARE UGLY,
I DON'T BLAME YOU.

I BLAME YOUR PARENTS.
IT'S GENETICS.

I HATE THAT SHIT
WHEN PEOPLE SAY,

"WELL, TWO UGLY PEOPLE
CAN MAKE A PRETTY BABY."

WELL, THAT PRETTY BABY'S
GONNA BE AN UGLY-ASS ADULT

WHEN HER PARENTS'
FEATURES KICK IN.

TWO UGLY PEOPLE
AIN'T MAKING A PRETTY ADULT.

SUCK MY DICK. THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN.

YOU CAN MAKE A PRETTY BABY.
BABIES AIN'T GOT BONES YET.

ONCE THAT BONE STRUCTURE
KICKS IN, IT'S A WRAP.

MAKE A PRETTY ADULT,
UGLY PEOPLE.
IMPRESS ME.

MAKE A PRETTY ADULT.
ANYBODY CAN MAKE
A PRETTY BABY.

THAT SHIT AIN'T HARD.

I CAN'T EVEN TALK.
I'M MARRIED.

I'VE BEEN MARRIED
FOR SEVEN YEARS, MAN.

DAMN, MY WIFE'S

BEAUTIFUL, MAN.
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

A LOT OF PEOPLE KNOW
I'M MARRIED TO A BLACK LADY
FROM OAKLAND.

YOU KNOW?
YEAH.

YEAH YEAH YEAH
YEAH YEAH.

WHOO, MAN!

I AIN'T EVEN KNOW, MAN.
I AIN'T EVEN KNOW.

WHOO!
WE GOT OUR KIDS, MAN.

[ stammers ]

IT'S FUNNY.
WHEN YOU A WHITE DUDE
AND YOU MARRY A BLACK WOMAN,

PEOPLE ASSUME SHIT
FROM THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN.

THE ASSUME THE WHITE GUY'S
PROBABLY BETTER OFF

AND A BETTER BACKGROUND.
IT'S JUST THE OPPOSITE.

MY WIFE WENT
TO U.C. SANTA BARBARA.

ALL HER COUSINS AND UNCLES
WENT TO U.C.L.A. AND STANFORD.

I'M FROM A TRAILER PARK
IN OHIO.

I HAD ONE COUSIN
GO TO DeVRY.

WE THINK HE'S
A FUCKIN' GENIUS.

WE'D BE LIKE,
"DAMN, JERRY, HOW'D YOU
DO THAT SHIT?"

"I WAS JUST WATCHING TV
AND MY LIFE CHANGED."

"YOU THE ONE, JERRY.
YOU THE ONE, BABY.

DeVRY--
CLASS OF FEBRUARY.

SUPPOSED TO GRADUATE IN APRIL."

WE GOT OUR KIDS, MAN.

MIXED KIDS, MAN.
MIXED KIDS.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE GETTING WITH MIXED KIDS.

ESPECIALLY WITH HAIR.
THE HAIR--

TWO WHITE PEOPLE GET TOGETHER,
YOU PRETTY MUCH KNOW.

TWO BLACK PEOPLE,
YOU PRETTY MUCH KNOW.

MIXED?
YOU DON'T KNOW.

MY SON'S OLDER.
HE'S GOT GREAT HAIR--

LONG AND CURLY.
RUN YOUR FINGERS THROUGH IT,
IT BOUNCES RIGHT BACK.

T-T-ING.
WING!

MY DAUGHTER?
MAN!

THAT'S SOME
NAPPY SHIT, MAN!

I CAN'T COMB HER HAIR.
I CAN'T GET HER READY
FOR SCHOOL.

"D-A-A-A-D!
OH MY GOD!"

"BLAME YOUR MOM.
THIS AIN'T MY FAULT.
THIS AIN'T MY FAULT.

I'M GONNA GET YOUR BROTHER
READY FOR SCHOOL."
SQUIRT SQUIRT.

"THERE YOU GO, SON.
HAVE A GOOD DAY."

"THANKS, DAD."
"NO, THANK YOU, SON."

MY SON--

MY SON, HE'S NINE.
HE'S PLAYING BASKETBALL.

ONLY BLACK KID ON THE TEAM.
ONLY BLACK KID ON THE TEAM.

ALL THE KIDS ARE WHITE, MAN.
HE'S FUCKIN' DOMINATING.

I'D LIKE TO TAKE THE CREDIT,
BUT I THINK HIS MOM

HAD A LITTLE BIT
TO DO WITH IT.

MOST OF THE KIDS
IN HIS LEAGUE ARE
WHITE KIDS.

THERE'S NOT A LOT
OF BLACK KIDS IN THE LEAGUE.

EVERY TIME
I GO TO A GAME

I GO SIT WITH
THE OTHER PARENTS.

THEY DON'T KNOW
THE BLACK KID'S MINE.

I'LL BE HYPING HIM UP TOO.

"THAT BLACK KID'S PRETTY GOOD."
"THAT MOTHERFUCKER'S SWEET!

WE CAN'T STOP HIM!"

[ laughs ]
OH, IT'S JUST FUNNY.

KIDS GOT BAPTIZED TOO.

THEY GOT BAPTIZED, MAN.
WHOO! MAN.

THAT'S THE ONE THING
I DIDN'T KNOW.

I DIDN'T KNOW.

THEY GOT BAPTIZED
AT A BLACK CHURCH
AND, YOU KNOW...

"GOD! WHY DOES IT
TAKE SO LONG?"

BLACK CHURCH
TAKES FOREVER!

I GREW UP GOING
TO WHITE CHURCH, MAN.

SERVICE STARTS AT 10:00.
10:30 WE'RE AT IHOP

ALREADY ENJOYING
OUR BREAKFASTS.

FIRST TIME I WENT
TO A BLACK CHURCH
I DIDN'T KNOW.

I'M JUST SITTING THERE,
YOU KNOW?

"WHY'S IT TAKING SO LONG?"
I FINALLY REALIZED

WHY THE SERVICE
IS ALWAYS TAKING SO LONG.

WHEN YOU GO
TO CHURCH WITH WHITE PEOPLE,

WE DON'T SAY NOTHING.

WHEN THE PREACHER'S TALKIN',
WE SHUT UP AND WE LISTEN.

SOMEBODY TRIES TO TALK
WHEN THE PREACHER'S TALKING,

WE TELL HIM.
"SHH. ZIP IT. FOCUS.

TWO MORE SONGS,
WE'RE OUT OF HERE."

"SHH!"

I DIDN'T KNOW WHEN YOU GO
TO A BLACK CHURCH--

I DIDN'T KNOW
THAT WHEN BLACK PEOPLE AGREE

WITH WHAT THE PREACHER'S
TALKING ABOUT, DON'T WAIT.

THEY YELL IT OUT
RIGHT THERE THAT THEY AGREE.
I DIDN'T KNOW.

I WAS GETTING UPSET
WITH THE OTHER PEOPLE
IN THE PEWS

'CAUSE I THOUGHT
THEY WERE BEING DISRESPECTFUL.

I WAS JUST SITTIN' THERE.
"PREACH ON IT!"

"ARE YOU SERIOUS?
YOU'RE GONNA TALK WHILE
HE'S TALKING?

WHY DON'T YOU ZIP IT
AND FOCUS, MAN?

IT'S 1:30.
I'M READY TO GO HOME!"

"TALK ABOUT IT!"
"ARE YOU WITH HIM?!

WHAT?

YOU'RE ALLOWED TO TALK?

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I'M GONNA SAY SOMETHIN'.

OKAY, WATCH.
I'M GONNA SAY SOMETHIN'.

HOO-DEE-HOOO!"

[ laughs ]
"A HOO-DEE-HOO FOR JESUS,

BUT COME ON!
IT'S 3:00!

I WANNA GO HOME!

ANOTHER SONG?!

WHY IS SHE SINGING
ALICIA KEYS?

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH JESUS!

YOU GUYS HAVE A STEPTEAM?
ARE YOU SERIOUS?!

THE FIRST BAPTIST
STEPPERS?!

IT'S 6:00!

I WANNA GO-- I'M STARVING!
I DIDN'T EAT BREAKFAST!

A POET?!

YOU HAVE A POET.
THIS IS A FRIGGIN'
TALENT SHOW!

I JUST WANNA GO HOME."

TRUE STORY.

OH MY GOD.

WHAT'S--
[ laughs ]

I ALWAYS TELL--

I ALWAYS TELL
WHITE PEOPLE

WHEN I'M AT MY SHOWS,
"LOOK, IF YOU'VE NEVER BEEN
TO A BLACK CHURCH,

YOU'VE GOTTA GO
AT LEAST ONE TIME.

I MEAN,
DON'T MAKE NO PLANS.

'CAUSE YOU AIN'T
GONNA CATCH THE GAME.

YOU AIN'T GONNA
CATCH THE GAME."

BUT I ALWAYS TELL
WHITE PEOPLE,

"IF YOU DECIDE
TO GO TO A BLACK CHURCH
YOU'VE NEVER BEEN--

IF SOMEBODY GIVES YOU
A HARD TIME FOR BEING THERE,

JUST SAY 'JESUS.'"
NOBODY MESSES WITH JESUS.

"HEY MAN, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?"
"JESUS."

"WHO YOU KNOW IN HERE?"
"JESUS."

"HOW'D YOU GET HERE?"
"JESUS BROUGHT ME."

AND IF "JESUS" DON'T WORK,
JUST SAY "SISTER JOHNSON."

EVERY BLACK CHURCH
HAS AT LEAST ONE
SISTER JOHNSON.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
A FRIEND IN THERE SOMEWHERE.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
"SISTER JOHNSON."

"WHO YOU KNOW IN HERE?"
"SISTER JOHNSON."

"HOW YOU KNOW SISTER JOHNSON?"
"JESUS.

WE MET AT IHOP.

10:45.
I WAS THERE LAST WEEK."

I WAS TALKING
ABOUT MY WIFE EARLIER.
I GOT SIDETRACKED.

WE WERE IN BED ONE NIGHT.
I WAS WITH MY WIFE

AND WE WERE TALKIN'.

AND, YOU KNOW,
YOU START TALKING
ABOUT YOUR PAST.

SHE'S LIKE,
"I'M JUST LETTING YOU KNOW

YOU'RE THE ONLY WHITE GUY
I'VE EVER BEEN WITH."

AND AT FIRST
I WAS LIKE "YES!"

AND THEN I WENT,
"AW SHIT!

THAT MEANS SOME BROTHERS
WAS IN THIS SHIT BEFORE ME."

THAT'S WHY I NEVER
ASK MY WIFE,

"IS THIS THE BIGGEST DICK
YOU EVER HAD?"

HM-MM. I'M NOT TRYING
TO HURT MY FEELINGS.

I SAY OTHER SHIT.
"IS THIS THE MOST
AGGRESSIVE DICK?"

"IS THIS
THE FEISTIEST DICK?"

[ falsetto ]
"IT'S THE MOST AGGRESSIVE."

"YEAH, I GOT THAT
AGGRESSIVE DICK."

IT'S FUNNY TOO, MAN,
BECAUSE I'VE BEEN
NOTICING LATELY

YOU GOTTA BE CAREFUL
WHAT YOU SAY EVERYWHERE

BECAUSE PEOPLE
GET IN TROUBLE.

WITH THE YOUTUBE
AND THE HIDDEN CAMERAS

I SAW DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER
AND MICHAEL RICHARDS

AND NOW JOHN MAYER
GET CAUGHT SAYING THE N WORD.

[ stammers ]
AND, YOU KNOW,

I DON'T SAY IT--

IN PUBLIC.
I DON'T.

I'M NOT GONNA SIT HERE
AND BE ONE OF THESE WHITE GUYS
LIKE, "I'VE NEVER SAID IT."

I'VE SAID THE SHIT
FROM TIME TO TIME

WHEN I'M BY MYSELF
AND THE DOOR'S LOCKED.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKE
THE N WORD PERSONALLY.

WHY DON'T LIKE IT
IS 'CAUSE MY KIDS CAN
SAY IT FREELY AND I CAN'T.

THAT SHIT BOTHERS ME
A LITTLE BIT, YOU KNOW?

MY SON WILL PUNK ME
IN MY OWN HOUSE.

"SAY IT, DAD.
I DARE YOU. SAY IT.

I BET YOU WON'T SAY IT.
I'LL TELL ALL MY UNCLES."

"FUCK! YOU GOT ME.
YOU GOT ME."

IT MESSES YOU UP TOO
WHEN YOU GOT TO BLEND IN
WITH YOUR FAMILY.

WE'LL BE AT THE HOUSE
PLAYING CARDS.

IT FUCKS ME UP
WHEN BLACK PEOPLE CALL ME
THE N WORD OUT OF AFFECTION.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO RESPOND?

I THINK SOMETIMES
THEY'LL BE FUCKIN' WITH ME

AND THINK I MIGHT SAY IT BACK
AND BUST ME ON MY ASS
OR SOMETHING.

WE'LL BE AT THE HOUSE
PLAYING CARDS, DRINKING.

"GARY, JUST WANT YOU
TO KNOW, MAN, YOU MY..."

"WHAT?! LIKEWISE,
MOTHERFUCKER. LIKEWISE.

SHIT.
I AIN'T THAT DRUNK.

IN FACT, GIVE ME
SOME COFFEE, BABY.
I ALMOST SLIPPED UP.

YOU ALMOST GOT ME, TEDDY.
YOU ALMOST GOT ME.

TWO CARDS, PLEASE."

L.A. GOT A LOT OF ACTORS.

THE PORN INDUSTRY'S
OUT HERE TOO.

I DIDN'T REALIZE WHAT
A BIG INDUSTRY THAT WAS.

MAN. I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I WAS WATCHING ONE NIGHT.

I WAS AT MY HOTEL
AT ABOUT 3:00 IN THE MORNING.

I'M WATCHING "OPRAH."

OPRAH'S ON THERE
AND SHE'S GOT THIS
GIRL ON THERE.

HER NAME
IS KARRINE STEFFANS.

HER NICKNAME
IS "SUPERHEAD."

AND I'M WATCHING THIS.

I'M LOOKING AT IT
AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT ARE
THEY TALKING ABOUT?"

I DIDN'T KNOW
THAT THIS GIRL,

SHE GIVES THE BEST BLOWJOBS
IN THE WHOLE WORLD, I GUESS.

NICKNAMED "SUPERHEAD."

SHE ACTUALLY WROTE
A BOOK ABOUT IT.

IT'S CALLED "CONFESSIONS
OF A VIDEO VIXEN."

I'M LOOKING AT IT
AND I'M LIKE--

SO I WENT
AND BOUGHT THE BOOK
'CAUSE OPRAH SAID BUY IT.

I THOUGHT IT'D BE
A GOOD READ

'CAUSE SHE WAS ON "OPRAH."

WHEN I'M READING THE BOOK,
SHE SAYS ABOUT A FIVE-YEAR RUN

WHERE SHE WAS IN EVERY
MAJOR RAP VIDEO

'CAUSE SHE WAS GIVING
ALL THE RAPPERS BLOWJOBS.

I BOUGHT THE BOOK
AND I START READING IT.

SHE DIDN'T JUST SAY
"I GAVE RAPPERS BLOWJOBS."
SHE PUT NAMES AND DATES.

I WAS LIKE,
"WHAT A BITCH, MAN."

THESE RAPPERS GOT
FAMILIES, YOU KNOW?

THEN I SAW THIS TAPE.
SHE RELEASED A TAPE

OF HER GIVING THIS GUY
A BLOWJOB.

WHEN I SAW THE TAPE,
I WAS LIKE, "SHIT!

I GOT TO LEARN HOW TO RAP.
FUCK COMEDY! GODDAMN,
ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I AIN'T NEVER SEEN
A BLOWJOB LIKE THIS.

I SWEAR TO GOD EVERY GIRL
SHOULD SEE THIS TAPE.

IT'LL SAVE YOUR
RELATIONSHIP, LADIES.

IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THIS TAPE,
IT'S CALLED "HONEY VS.
MR. MARCUS."

AND KARRINE PLAYS HONEY.

MR. MARCUS?
THIS BROTHER'S A PORNO LEGEND.

HE'S A BEAST.
BIG SWOLE BROTHER--

ALWAYS GOT HIS HAT
ON BACKWARDS AND HIS SOCKS ON.

LAZY AS SHIT THOUGH, MAN.
TAKE THE SOCKS OFF, MAN.

RESPECT THE LADY,
YOU KNOW?

AND I'VE SEEN A COUPLE
OF MR. MARCUS'S VIDEOS.

USUALLY HE'LL WHIP
OUT HIS SHIT--

AN AVERAGE GIRL
GETS SCARED OF IT 'CAUSE
IT'S PRETTY BIG.

HE'LL PUT IT TOWARDS
THE GIRL'S FACE

AND A NORMAL GIRL'LL
BE LIKE,

[ falsetto ]
"OH MY GOD, MR. MARCUS!

I CAN'T HANDLE ALL THAT."

NOT SUPERHEAD,
HUH-UH.

MR. MARCUS WHIPPED IT OUT,
PUT IT RIGHT IN HER FACE!

SHE JUST STARED AT IT.

IT WAS LIKE A FACE-OFF
BEFORE A HEAVYWEIGHT
TITLE FIGHT.

I'M WATCHING--
"WHAT'S SHE ABOUT
TO DO WITH IT?

I AIN'T NEVER SEEN
NO SHIT LIKE THIS."

SHE DIDN'T START SUCKING
INITIALLY, NO.

SHE WENT AWAY FROM THE DICK
LIKE A SNAKE, LIKE AN ANACONDA.

SHE COCKED HER WHOLE BODY
AND WENT AWAY FROM IT.

THE DICK'S RIGHT HERE.
[ shouting ]

THEN SHE SPIT ON IT.
SHE SPIT ON MR. MARCUS'S DICK.

I SWEAR TO GOD.
I HAVE SEEN THIS TAPE
ABOUT 1,000 TIMES.

I HAVE YET TO SEE THE SPIT
COME OUT HER MOUTH.

THAT SHIT JUST SHOT
ACROSS THE ROOM OUT OF NOWHERE.

TIC! SPITS ON THE DICK.
TIC! SPITS ON THE DICK.

TIC! SPITS ON THE DICK.
SPITS ON THE DICK.

THEN SHE FINALLY
STARTS SUCKING IT.
OH MY GOD.

AS SHE WAS SUCKING IT,
SHE PUT BOTH HANDS ON IT

AND STARTED MOVING HER HANDS
IN A COUNTERCLOCKWISE
MOTION LIKE THIS.

IT LOOKED LIKE THE BITCH
WAS GRINDING PEPPER.

I WAS LIKE, "FUCK A BLOWJOB.
I WANT A GIRL THAT COULD
GRIND SOME PEPPER."

I SWEAR TO GOD,
I SAW THIS TAPE

I CAN'T GO TO
OLIVE GARDEN ANYMORE.
I CAN'T, MAN.

"HI, WOULD YOU LIKE
FRESH-GROUND PEPPER
ON YOUR SALAD?"

"WOULD I?"

THAT'S WHAT YOU GOTTA DO,
LADIES-- GRIND THE PEPPER.

GRIND THE PEPPER, OKAY?

IF HIS DICK
AIN'T THAT BIG?
ADJUST THE TELESCOPE.

ADJUST THE TELESCOPE.
BRING THAT LITTLE DICK
INTO FOCUS.

HEY, I'M GARY OWEN.
I APPRECIATE IT.

GARY OWEN, Y'ALL.
GARY OWEN!

UH UH UH UH UH.

UH UH UH
UH UH.

FELLE FELL.
FELLE MOTHERFUCKER FELL.

ONE MORE TIME FOR GARY OWEN,
Y'ALL.

Y'ALL HAVE
A GOOD TIME TONIGHT?

I JUST WANNA THANK
ALL MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS

FOR COMING OUT
TO THE "MIKE EPPS PRESENTS."

GOD BLESS Y'ALL.

AND IF YOU'RE DRINKING
AND DRIVING, PULL OVER
AND HAVE SIPS.

I'M YOUR NIGGA MIKE EPPS.
THANK Y'ALL.

GOD BLESS
AND BE SAFE!

PEACE!

MIKE DID IT AGAIN.
WE LOVE YOU, BABY.

OH MAN,
HE KEPT IT ROLLING.
HE DID HIS THING.

- GOOD TIMES.
- [ cheers ]

MIKE EPPS!
[ cheers ]

HOLLER AT YOUR BOY.

IT WAS A GREAT TIME, MAN.

AS Y'ALL CAN SEE
WE'RE A LITTLE BURNT OUT.

BUT WE HAD A DAMN BALL.
WHEN BLACK PEOPLE DO IT,

WE GO ALL THE WAY WITH IT.

FUCK WORK TOMORROW.

I GOT A NICE DRESS ON
AND EVERYTHING.

I'M SUPPOSED
TO BE TALKING

A LOT BETTER THAN THAT.

MY BREASTS IS GOING
TO FALL FROM MY--

MAKEUP, I MEAN LIFT-UP.

EVERYBODY SAW ME GO UP,
LEARN FROM IT.

DON'T HATE ON IT.

- [ all laughing ]
- THAT'S A COCKY MOTHERFUCKER.

I FEEL LIKE KANYE WEST.
I FEEL LIKE KANYE WEST!

Both:
IT WAS A GOOD SHOW.

- YOU DEFINITELY
WANNA SEE IT.
- GOOD SHOW.

GOOD JOB.

HEY, HOW'S IT GOIN'?

WHITE GUY NEVER SUPPOSED
TO HAVE ON A WHITE T-SHIRT.

- EVER. BUT WHEN
YOU GOT ON MAKEUP...
- IT HELPS.

[ effeminate ]
SUNGLASSES RIGHT HERE
WITH A LITTLE CHEST HAIR.

THAT'S WHAT
THE WHITE GIRLS LIKE,
BUT I DON'T LIKE 'EM

SO I DON'T WEAR SUNGLASSES
AND I DON'T HAVE CHEST HAIR.

THAT'S A V-NECK.
THAT'S ANOTHER BLACK THING.

HE'S ALL THE WAY
BLACK FOR REAL.

STILL CAN'T SAY
THE WORD THOUGH.

WHOO. #1.
WHOO!

I AIN'T GONNA LIE.
MIKE EPPS SHOULD HAVE
PERFORMED MORE.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
I'LL KEEP IT REAL.
FUCK IT.

WHASSUP?
IT WAS SO GOOD.

I LOVE THE SHOW.
MIKE EPPS WAS HILARIOUS.

EVERYBODY WAS FUNNY.
I LOVED IT.

MIKE EPPS WAS FUNNY
AS A MOTHERFUCKER.

MIKE EPPS WAS
THE BOMB, BABY!

HEY.

ALL THE TIME PIMPIN'
L.A. STYLE, BABY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHERE'S THE AFTER-PARTY?

HERE.
CLUB NOKIA.

IT'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN
HOPEFULLY.

I GOT ONE MAGICAL CONDOM.

I'M TALKING ABOUT ONE
GOLDEN MAGNUM.

IT'S LIKE
A WILLY WONKA TICKET.

LET ME TELL Y'ALL SOMETHING.
THIS YOUR BOY G THANG.

IF YOU AIN'T WATCHING MIKE
IN ONE OF HIS MOVIES

OR HIS STANDUP
OR HIS TOURS

OR SEEN ANY
OF HIS SPECIALS,

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
UNDER A ROCK?

HE SHOULD BE IN THAT
RICHARD PRYOR MOVIE.

HE LOOK JUST LIKE HIM
AND HE FUNNY JUST LIKE HIM.

CUT THE CHECK.
YOU HEARD WHAT I SAID.

CUT THE CHECK.
MIKE EPPS-- THE GREATEST.

I'M OUTTA HERE.