All language subtitles for MV5BODg2ZTVmNDQtMWM2OC

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ANNOUNCER: Ladies and
gentlemen, Todd Glass!

Official YIFY movies site:
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[ENERGETIC DANCE MUSIC]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Thank you.

People have to stop telling you
who you look like.

I've done it too.

But stop telling everybody
who they look like.

Everybody wants to tell you,
"Oh, my God!"

"You look like my friend Bill.
You look just like him."

And then you meet Bill,
you're like, "Oh, shit."

"Is that what I look like?"

I once had a girl,
she told me I looked like...

She goes, "You look like
John Goodman."

[LAUGHTER]

I was like, "What?"

She goes, "Oh, no, no,
no, no, no, no."

"[SQUEALING] Oh, no, no,
no, no, no, no."

She goes, "A young, thin
John Goodman."

Okay, that's not gonna make me
feel any better.

I would never say to a girl,
"You look like a, uh... ".

"You know what you look like?
A pig."

"Oh, my God!
Not a fat pig."

"No. A young, thin pig."

"You're like a hot, smokin' pig,
you know what I mean?"

"Like a pig that works out."

"Like a pig... not a pig. You're
thinking of a pig in mud."

"No. You're so
insecure, it's

probably issues you
have, you know?"

" I'm thinking of a pig
that was laying in mud,"

"but said, 'Oh, my God,
just 'cause I'm a pig"

"'I don't have to live like
a pig, you know what I mean?"

"Goes back to school,
gets its G.E.D.,"

"drives around the neighborhood
with a pretty scarf..."

"That type of pig."

She was like, "Oh, thank you."

[LAUGHTER]

I was doing a show in Hawaii.

They wanted me to go surfing.

And I said, "I don't wanna
go surfing" to the college kids.

They're like,
"Well, uh, why?"

I said, "Because I'm scared
of sharks."

They're like, "Really?
Because there

was a 12-year-old
girl here",

"she had her arm bitten off
by a shark,"

"and she still surfs."

They go, "Are you telling us
that a 14-year-old girl"

"has more courage than you?"

[LAUGHTER]

I said, "Well,
not to be a jerk",

"but I-I do have more arms
than she does."

[LAUGHTER]

And I'm not trying
to be a dick.

I wouldn't say it
if she was in the room.

I'm not a heartless fuck.

I'm just saying I...

You know, I would take arms
over courage. That's all.

'Cause you could be
more courageous

if you had arms.

[LAUGHTER]

[SIGHS]

Do you ever bait people
for compliments?

You know, we've all done it.

It's insecure.
We should stop it.

You know what I mean?

Somebody... you want 'em
to argue with you... don't.

Like tomorrow,
you're at your workplace.

If somebody does that,
don't argue with them.

Like if somebody
at your workplace goes,

"You know what?"

"I'm old and boring.
Go out without me."

"I'll just mess up
the whole night."

Go, "Oh, my God!
Thanks a lot."

"We thought you were
gonna be upset."

"Oh, I'm so glad you understand
how old and boring you are."

"We thought you were gonna be
like 'What do you mean"

"'I'm old and boring?'
But you get it, come on."

[LAUGHTER]

Like if somebody goes,
"Oh, I feel like a bloated cow,"

just go, "Oh, my God!
I knew you knew!"

"Oh, everybody
was talking about"

"what a bloated cow
you were last night,"

"and they said you didn't know."

"I said, 'You shut the fuck up.
They know.'"

"I totally had your back.
I got you, don't worry."

"I'm your friend."

[LAUGHTER]

When I was little,
I thought 50...

Well, not little.

When I was 12,
I thought 50 was like...

[AS OLD MAN] "Hello.
I'm 50 years old."

"I'm 50! 50!"

Come on.

In today's society,
you know what 50 is?

50's like, "Hey, I'm in a band.
We play Thursday night."

"Come check us out.
Everything's good."

[LAUGHTER]

Not when you're little.

When you're 8 years old,
50's like,

[AS OLD MAN] "I'm 50."

"I'm gonna shit in my pants and
go yell at interracial couples."

[LAUGHTER]

When I was 12 years old...
It's not a big deal,

I don't want you
to feel bad for me.

But I grew up.
I have dyslexia.

Not a big deal now,
but back then,

they didn't know really
what it was.

They put me in special classes.
"Hey, draw a picture."

You know those?
"Is that kid happy?"

I knew what they were doing.

[LAUGHTER]

So because I have dyslexia,

I'm not really good
with south or west or north.

I don't know it.

Because I remember
the first day in school

when the teacher
pulled down the map,

and I thought, "Oh, fuck.
I can't learn all those lines."

There was lines everywhere.

So I don't know south and west.
I'm being serious.

I don't know south, west, north.
I don't know it.

People give me directions,

they go, "Get off the exit,
head south."

"Right or left?"
"South."

"Right or fucking left?
Don't you understand?"

"I don't know south."

"I don't have a compass,
you prick."

"Head south."

"Get off the exit,
head towards the ocean."

"Will I see the ocean?"

"'Cause if I don't see the
ocean, it's not gonna help me."

You know what they say?
"Well, come on."

"If you're heading
toward the ocean,"

"you're not gonna head
towards the mountains."

"Yes, I will.
I don't know.

"Hawaii has oceans
and mountains.

"I don't know.

"Just why don't you tell me
what I'm gonna see

"if I've gone too far?

"That's what I wanna se..."
You understand?

Eh? You?

That's what I wanna hear.

I wanna hear what I'm gonna
see if I've gone too far.

You know when people
give you directions...

"If you've gone too far,
you're gonna see a Burger King."

Thank you.

Because I will see
that Burger King.

[LAUGHTER]

Because whenever
people tell me

what I'm gonna see if I've
gone too far, I always see it.

And then it helps me. I'm like,
"Okay, there's the Burger King."

So I'm not really lost,

because part of finding the way
where I'm going is being lost.

Okay, then we're
gonna turn around,

and now I'm right over here,
and everything is good.

Okay.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

When I was growing up, I knew it
was always hard for my parents

because they would
compliment my brothers

and try to say nice things.

And I didn't
do well in school,

and often that's what you
compliment kids about.

So they always tried
to make things up about me.

They'd be like, "Spencer is
the head of his fraternity."

"And Michael,
he got straight 'As.'"

"And Cory might skip
third grade."

"And look at Todd,
what an appetite."

"He ate a whole pizza."

[LAUGHTER]

And I was like...

I thought I got
the better compliment.

I'm like, "Aw,
they don't have

anything nice to
say about them."

[LAUGHTER]

I used to be scared
of the dark, and I still am.

[CHUCKLES]
People try to bully me.

They're like, "You're scared
of the dark?" "Yeah."

That's what you have to do
when people are bullies.

You bully them back.
Don't let people bully you.

"You're scared of the
dark?" "Yeah, I'm

fucking scared of the dark.
You know why?

"People get stabbed in the dark.
That's why, fuck face!"

Don't try to bully me.
I know what happens in the dark.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

So, but I'm... I don't know
if I can have kids.

You can't be scared
of the dark and have kids.

What if my son
comes in the bedroom,

or my daughter,
in the middle of the night?

"Daddy, I think there's
somebody outside."

"Go check."

[LAUGHTER]

"Normally I wouldn't
let you out at 4:00

in the morning, but
it's a good reason."

"I think there's
somebody under my bed."

"Are you sure? Are you sure?
Because I will call the police."

"But you're gonna
look stupid if they come"

"and there's no one
under your bed."

"I don't care,
I love you but, you know,"

"why don't you
think about it?"

"If you're positive,
then come back."

"I definitely want
to call the police."

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

If I'm on the road
for awhile...

I wish I was making this up
for my act.

I still check
behind the shower curtain.

And I yell when I do it,
by the way.

I do the old, "Ah!"

And I don't...
If somebody else went, "Ah!"

I don't know what I'd do.

I don't know if I'd go,
"Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!"

And then I would go, " Okay,
there's no one behind there."

[LAUGHTER]

I have a hard time
saying certain words

because I, you know...
Because of the dyslexia.

No big deal, I just flip things
in my head sometimes,

so I don't say the words.

And one of the words that I have
a hard time saying is, uh...

I can say it now because I'll
slow down is, "Domesticated."

So I used to say
"Domestitated."

You know, I would say,
"Domestitated."

And people be like,
"Really? How old are you?"

So, what I tried...
I stopped saying it.

Then a friend of mine, she goes,
"Oh, you could say it."

She goes, "Just slow down."

She goes, "Just say domest."
I say, "Domest."

She goes, "Duh.
Domest, duh."

This is true, by the way.

I go, "Domest, duh..."

She goes,
"Now just say 'cated.'

I go, "Domest, duh, cated."

She goes, "There you go."

But I still can't
say it at parties.

Hey, you know,
contrary to popular belief,

the prairie dog
was not the first dog.

To be domest, duh, cated.

People would be like,
"That guy is smart."

"Lot of big words,
really savors every word."

My parents never said this,
but I've heard parents say it.

My parents never said it.
I'm glad.

"That's why we don't
have nice things,"

when something bad... "That's
why don't have nice things."

Didn't you wish a little kid
had the wherewithal

to answer that... "Really?"

"Is that why we don't
have nice things?"

"Really?
No, I just wanna know."

"Oh, no, no.
I'm not being a jerk."

"Just my friends always think
we don't have nice things"

"because you have a shitty job.
I just want to tell them."

"No, no, no.
I don't know what it is."

"Maybe it's because...
I don't know."

"So we're saying we don't...
You don't

have things, we don't
have nice things"

"because I spilled Cheerios
on the rugs five years ago."

"Okay. I just wanna know.
I don't know."

"Now what about the shitty cars?
Why do we have shitty cars?"

"I just wanna know.
And we don't go out to eat."

"Okay, I just wanna know.
I mean, no, next

time my friends come
over and they go,"

"'Hey, your house is shitty.
Is it because of your dad?'"

"I'd go, 'No, it's because
of me.' I got your back."

"Totally got your back."

[LAUGHTER]

Went out to...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Last week I went out to eat
here in the Los Angeles area.

Now, for you people
watching at home,

I wanna let you
in on something.

You people know because
you live in Los Angeles.

They have to grade
the restaurants here now?

Like if... From
the health department.

You have to hang it
in the window.

You get an "A," "B,"
"C," or "D."

And you got to hang it
in the window.

I went to a restaurant last
week... in the window, a "D."

[LAUGHTER]

Yeah. And next to it, I guess
the owner, he wrote, "Elicious."

I'm like...

"I don't know..."

"I don't think they give out
the 'Deliciouses.'"

He goes, "Yeah.
We got one, it's cool."

I'm like, "They don't
give out 'Deliciouses.'"

He goes, "Yeah, we did."

I'm like, "Then why is
the 'D' professionally written",

"and then 'Elicious, '
the next part,"

"is just written out
like that?"

He goes,
"That's what I thought!"

"All right, buddy.
You're pushing it here."

[LAUGHTER]

You know what I did?

I guess it was about...
It was last Thanksgiving,

for the first time ever,
I had a dinner party.

That's hard.
I don't know how people do it.

First of all,
let me tell you this,

I was so nervous to have
13 people over for dinner.

You have a different
appreciation

for how hard that is.

My mom did it effortlessly.

So I set the table
the night before, okay?

You know, and you know what?
I like the way it looked.

I'll admit it.

You know, I go to the bathroom
at 3:00 in the morning.

I'd peek out...
"Oh, it looks good."

[LAUGHTER]

I had a dinner party.

First of all, people show up an
hour early for a dinner party.

An hour early,
they're like,

"Oh, we're really early.
What could we do to help?"

"Fucking leave."

[LAUGHTER]

You don't show up an hour early
to a dinner party.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

And by the way, if you're
having people over your house,

and it's everybody
bring something...

you know how
they have that?

Everybody bring a dish,
you know what I'm talking about.

Sure.

Everybody bring something.

Folks, that means
bring it made.

Yes.

Bring it made. Okay?

Otherwise you're
freaking everybody out.

Somebody showed up, I swear
to God, with a bag of potatoes.

They pulled it out, and then
some sour cream and some butter.

I go, "Is that
the fucking mashed potatoes?"

"Because we're not
having mashed potatoes"

"if that's
the mashed potatoes."

"You think I told you
to bring mashed potatoes"

"because I couldn't afford
mashed potatoes?"

I want it made.

I don't want to mess up
my kitchen.

There, I said it.

Some other girl
shows up with a salad.

I asked her
to bring the salad.

She go... Oh, plastic bag
full of cut up cucumbers.

Then she's got another plastic
bag full of the croutons.

She's got another...
Chopped up tomatoes.

I'm like,
"Yes. She gets it."

Then she goes, "Where do I make
the salad dressing?"

"In your fucking car.
I don't care where you make it."

"The potato guy can go
toss his salad in the car."

"You're not messing up
my kitchen."

And for the love of God...

bring it in a nice bowl.

Am I wrong?

Bring it in a nice bowl.

Some guy shows up
with potato salad

in a bowl
with a handle on it.

Right there, I shouldn't
have to go on anymore.

A handle on a bowl, with dog
chew marks all over it?

It looked like it
had been in the

microwave a few
thousand times.

Yeah, what if I didn't care?

"That's all right,
here, dump it on the table."

"Who gives a shit?
We're all pigs."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I don't like when people tell me
to slow down when I eat either,

if I'm at someone's house
for dinner.

People tell me that
my whole life.

"Slow down,
you'll enjoy it more."

No, I won't.
No, I won't.

I've eaten slow.
I don't enjoy it.

A matter of fact,
I get pissed off

if I see other people
eating slow.

There was a girl in an airplane
once eating a Twix bar.

She was folding it down,

she took a bite,
and then she read her book,

and then she ate
more of the Twix bar.

I'm like, "Eat the Twix bar,
you whore! Come on!"

[LAUGHTER]

They eat it so slow.
Do one or the other.

If that book's so good,
then put the Twix bar down.

Eat the Twix bar,
two bites.

And I know
that's my own anger.

That's not her fault.

I have those situations happen
a lot of times in my life,

where somebody's
doing something.

You know when you're
driving down the

street and you see
someone jogging,

and then at a red light
they do this...

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

All right.

You're great
with your heart rate.

[LAUGHTER]

Aren't you better
than all of us?

You must know something
we don't know.

Ladies and gentlemen,
let me bring you back

and paint a picture
of a young Todd Glass,

11 or 12 years old.

I looked exactly the same.

My head,
but my body was smaller.

And I was perplexed at life.

Many of my moments
were like this...

[LAUGHTER]

And I remember
at a very young age...

And I hope some of you
will relate with this,

because, you know, I'm always
hoping the crowd relates.

Because you know,
you want... you want...

But if you don't, it gets you
a little nervous sometimes.

You know,
like if I'm saying to you,

"Hey, you know
when you're bored

"and you're sitting
around the

house?" The crowd's
like, "Yeah."

"So you don't know
what to do?" "Yeah."

"So you stick your finger
up the cat's ass?"

You're like, "No, I don't stick
my finger up the cat's ass."

So, at a young age, I was
intrigued with rich people.

Anybody,
you know what I mean?

I'll be like,
"Oh, my God, they're rich."

I wanted this rich people...

Like if I saw a circle driveway,
I was like, "Fuck."

"Oh, they got to be rich"

"because only rich people
have circle driveways"

"with fucking mulch,
and it's nice."

"And they got
landscapers everywhere."

"'Arriba, arriba, ' whatever."

[LAUGHTER]

You know, this is...
By the way,

This is the epitome of finger
up the cat's ass, okay?

I'm opening up
to you right now.

But I remember at a young age,
seeing above-the-ground pools,

and thinking,
"They look like shit!"

I didn't even have
an above-the-ground pool.

But a 12-year-old, I'd be like,
"Your pool looks like shit"

"and it's fucking up
the whole neighborhood!"

"What is wrong with you?
Plant some trees around it!"

"Put a deck around it! You can't
fucking think it looks good!"

Now I'm a full grown adult.

Obviously, I look back,
and I think, I was right.

There's certain things
that rich people do,

and there's certain things
poor people do.

Don't be offended,
I'm just telling you.

Rich people... Rich people
roll their towels.

I don't even know why.
But that's what they do.

You know, maybe, uh...

Maybe you like to have
a drawer at your house.

You open it up, and there's soy
packets, and ketchup packets,

and mustard packets,
and plastic spoons.

You should do that.

But I just want to let you know
that's what poor people do.

[LAUGHTER]

Yes.

You know, I don't want
to get you upset.

Hey, poor people love to back
their car into a parking spot.

I don't know why, even.

They just fucking love to do it.
I can't even explain it.

But there are
certain things people do.

Rich people, poor people,
from a little kid.

Hey, poor people love to have
their dish soap out

next to the sink
in their kitchen.

They got the dish soap out,
they got the scrunchy pad.

Hey, by the way, if you do it,
you should do it.

It's your fucking house,
and don't let people tell you

what to do
and what not to do.

But I'm just telling you,
that's what poor people do.

[LAUGHTER]

And I hope you don't
think I'm wrong.

You've never opened up
Architectural Digest

and seen a $5-million house with
Palmolive out on the counter,

and a scrunchy pad
with baking grease

from the last five years.

So you do whatever
you want to do.

Poor... Like I'll
give you another

example, this
might explain it.

Like, rich people...

I always have a perception
like they jiggle their nuts.

Anybody?

I don't care if there's
one person, I would be...

If there's one person
in the crowd tonight

that goes, "I think
I know what he means."

Like rich people...
[WHISTLES]

Maybe they have some cashews.
[WHISTLES]

Rich people
jiggle their nuts.

It's just... Can
we at least agree

that it's a sign
of leisure?

You don't see poor people
jiggling their nuts.

You don't see a poor guy... you
know, poor people kick a stone.

Let's not fuck around here.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[SIGHS]

I went to a watermelon festival
about a year ago.

I didn't drive,
because you know

I'm not good with
the directions.

So I let a friend drive,

and we're halfway there,
and we get really lost.

And she pulls into
a 7-Eleven to get directions

to a watermelon festival.

And this is a true story.

It's basically a carnival,

but there's
watermelon seed spitting,

the largest watermelon.

We get lost,
she pulls into 7-Eleven.

And starts pulling up to black
people to get directions...

to a watermelon festival.

And don't worry, this bit isn't
prejudiced or I wouldn't do it.

I don't that, I'm not
one of those people that goes,

"I don't mean
to be prejudiced,"

and then prejudice shit
comes out of their mouth.

They never say, "I
don't mean to be

prejudiced, but I
like jelly beans."

"All right.
Actually that's not prejudiced."

[LAUGHTER]

She's asking black
people directions

to a watermelon
festival?

How about having a heart?

You don't ask
black people

directions to a
watermelon festival.

They don't even know
you're going

to a watermelon festival,
really.

You sound like a dick,
justifiably. You pull up...

"Hey, you know where
the watermelon festival is?"

"How you doing, huh?
I like to have fun."

"There you go."

I wouldn't ask black people

directions
to a watermelon festival

if they had a watermelon
festival t-shirt from last year

that said, "Ask me how to get
to the watermelon festival."

I'm going inside.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

There's always
somebody getting upset,

and always somebody
trying to calm somebody down.

That's what relationships
are all about.

Basically, somebody's upset,

somebody's trying
to calm that person down.

Very rarely will two people
just go hysterical, right?

And that's when the police are
called, but other than that...

Sometimes, it's your girlfriend
that calms you down,

or your wife.
That's why you love her.

You're upset about
something, she

goes, "Relax, it's
not a big deal."

Puts things into perspective,
but it doesn't work.

What you have to do
is become the over-reactor.

[LAUGHTER]

No matter how upset she is,
act even ten times more upset.

It works, unless she's
here tonight with you.

But let's say you're
at restaurant a week from now,

and she goes, "Does it take
an hour to get a hamburger?"

Just go, "What?
An hour for a hamburger?"

"That is bullshit!"

"We are never going out
to eat again!"

She's like, "Relax,
it's just a hamburger."

Go, "All right."

"I just love you
so much, I don't

wanna see you
be unhappy."

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Let's say you're at home,
you know,

she's like, "Did you
take the laundry

from the washer and
put it in the dryer?"

Just go, "I forgot."

"I'm gonna kill myself tonight
with liquor and ether."

She's like,
"It's not a big deal."

"I'll do it.
It'll take me a second."

Go, "All right, I just feel
like I take advantage."

[LAUGHTER]

Let me tell you something
about dogs and puppies.

When you're around
a little puppy, six weeks old,

that's who you are
when nobody else is around.

There's truth to this. Not when
other people are around.

Yeah, you might be
nice to a puppy

when other people
are around.

You see a six-week-old
golden retriever puppy,

yeah, if other people are
around, you might go,

"Oh, look how cute you are."

But who you are and
the affection you have in you,

is when no one
else's around,

and you're holding
a six-week-old puppy.

'Cause you know,
you're like, "You're so cute."

You wanna bite it
and moosh it and

love it and
squeeze it and...

Oh, so... did you ever see...

You just wanna bite it
and suck on its face, yes.

'Cause it's so cute.
Dogs are good people.

That's who you are.

You... you ever see...
If I go into the living room

in the middle of the night,
and my dog's sleeping,

first, I look at the dining
room table, set nicely,

that I set
the night before.

And then if I see my dog
laying on the sofa

with its head on the pillow,
oh, you're getting bit.

I just suck on his face.

I suck on his face.

And when I say suck on his face,
I know people get confused.

"What do you mean?"
Yes, suck on his face.

'Cause a dog is good, and a dog
is pure, it's not judgmental.

And I wanna suck some of that
goodness out into me.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

It's like when you
see a baby.

You ever see a baby with
those cute little baby legs?

Oh, my God.

You know, when they're like...
[BURBLES]

White and pure and just...
Oh, they're not just, oh...

I just wanna... I wanna go
up to people at the mall...

I don't, but I want to.

If they didn't think
I was a freak,

I would go up to people
at the mall and go,

"Can I ask you a favor?
And I'm not a freak."

"Hi. My name's Todd Glass.
How you doing? Good to see you."

"Can I bite
your baby's legs?"

[LAUGHTER]

"I won't leave a mark."

"I just wanna suck on them
for a little while."

You ever see a sign, and it
says not to do something?

I used to think,
"Well, who would do that?"

But I have a theory.
Seriously.

If a sign says
not to do something,

somebody did it, right?
That makes sense.

The reason I want you
to believe this is because

then you'll enjoy signs
when you see them.

Like by the time
you see a sign

that says,
"No diving in the jacuzzi"...

[LAUGHTER]

Yes.

There's a sign
at the gas station that says.

"Must put nozzle back
on pump when through."

[LAUGHTER]

That's what somebody did.

I know... I wanna take
all the sarcasm out of my voice.

'Cause there's
no way they went...

That never happened,
and they went,

"Hey, uh, what's
some shit..."

"It's never happened yet,
but it might happen."

"We'll get some signs
posted up around here."

Every time there's a sign,
it happened.

So if you see a sign that says,
"No diving in the jacuzzi,"

or, "Must put nozzle back on the
pump," that means it happened.

Somebody went, "All right,
30, 40, 50 bucks"...

[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]

"Uh, sir, you have to put
the nozzle back on the pump."

"Oh, I don't know.
I need signs."

"I need signs."

I never know what pump I'm on.
They're

always like, "What
pump are you on, sir?"

"I don't... I have to
look outside, uh..."

"The other side of four."

"That would be five, sir."

"Yeah, it could be three,
fuck face."

Cocky and wrong.
It's not a good combination.

In my hotel, there was
a sign that said,

"A towel on the floor
means I want a new one."

"But a towel hanging up
means I'll use it again."

So I call down
to the front desk,

I said, "What's a washcloth
on my night table mean",

"with a little lotion
next to it?"

[LAUGHTER]

She said, "Sir, I don't know."
I said, "You have to tell me."

She goes, "Sir, I
don't know." I said,

"You have to tell
me, you work here."

She goes, "Sir, stop it."
I said, "You have to tell me."

She goes, "Sir,
it means you're lonely."

I said,
"All right, that's all."

And she goes, "Stop
calling down to see

if the movie titles
end up on the bill."

"You're freakin' us all out."

[LAUGHTER]

In the Philadelphia airport,
there's a glass case,

and in the glass case
are things you're

not allowed to bring
on the plane.

So you know the
same thing like the

signs. If it's in
that glass case,

somebody brought it
on the plane.

And in that glass case
was a chainsaw.

Now, I'm thinking
like the sign bit. If

that glass case has
a chainsaw in it,

somebody brought a
chainsaw on the

airplane. You
know that's true.

Somebody came on
with a chainsaw.

"Hey, sir, you're
not allowed"

"to bring a chainsaw
on the airplane."

[IMITATES CHAINSAW BUZZ]

You know that guy
didn't admit he

made a mistake. He
didn't admit it.

No, he was probably
somewhere a

month later...
"Don't fly Delta."

[LAUGHTER]

"Bullshit."

"They don't even let you bring
a chainsaw on the plane."

They're just fake.

People get angry, but they
don't wanna let go of it.

You know, it's like...
It's like when people say,

you can't even say
"Merry Christmas" anymore.

It's like, "Yes, you can."

You know, during the holiday
season, you know those people?

"You can't even say
'Merry Christmas' anymore."

Yes, you can. They ask you
to say happy holidays now.

"Oh, they... you can't
even say 'Merry

Christmas' anymore."
Yes, you can.

Stop saying that.
It's wrong.

When did you ever say,
"Merry Christmas"

to someone that
celebrated Christmas,

and somebody went, "Hey,
you can't do that anymore."

I'll give you the example
of what it's like.

It's like if there was a guy and
he walked around all day saying,

"Hi, Glenn," to everybody. "Hey,
Glenn. How you doing, Glenn?

"Good to see you, Glenn.
Hey,

Glenn. How are you
doing, Glenn?"

But everybody, as you
all did, smiled because

you know what, in this
world that we live in,

if somebody's
friendly, you know

they mean "Hi," so
just accept it.

So, there's no
problem, up until

someone corrects
that guy, right?

Because I think, up to now, when
people said "Merry Christmas"...

I'm Jewish, and if somebody said
"Merry Christmas" to me,

I just thought, I know what
they mean, and I didn't care.

But if somebody corrects
you, that's what it's

like, and they go,
"Hey, oh, by the way",

"don't say 'Hi, Glenn,
' to everybody.

Just say 'Hi.' That
includes everybody."

And you go, "That's bullshit.
You

can't even say 'Hi,
Glenn' anymore."

"I can't believe
you can't say, 'Hi'..."

"You can say, 'Hi, Glenn, '
if it's fucking Glenn."

[LAUGHTER]

My brother doesn't
spank his kids,

and a lot of times he'll tell
that casually to people,

and they always go...
He goes, "Yeah, I never

spank my kids." And they
always go, "Never?"

Well, if it's wrong, it's wrong,
you know? You can't go, "Never."

"Never!" They go,
"Never." It's like their

way of going, "Never?
Let's be honest.

"Come on, you mean, you
try not to hit them,

but to say never. You're
being... Come on."

You would never say
that with anything

else. If it's
wrong, it's wrong.

You would never go,
"I never hit my wife."

Someone would go, "Never?
Come on.

What if she runs out
into the street?"

Oh, shut up.

Because that's what people
say a lot, you know,

when you put that towards them,
they're looking for a reason.

They don't wanna just
believe that they could

never spank, so their
mind goes... they go,

"There's never a reason
to spank your kids."

And people go, "Oh,
well, what about

if they run out into
the street, huh?"

"I fucking got you,
didn't I? Hmm?"

"Oh, I don't know, if they
run out into the street,

maybe save them."

I like that... Even if some kids
need to be spanked,

I don't ever... I
don't think that

people are taken
seriously that say it.

Like when you're at the mall...
"That kid needs a

good spanking, that kid
needs a good spanking."

You know why those people
aren't taken seriously?

Because even if
sometimes that's true,

they never say
the other thing, right?

You never see a person
go, "You know what

that kid needs, better
fucking parents."

[LAUGHTER]

And by the way, if
your parents spanked

you, you know, a lot
of parents did.

That doesn't mean you
have to be angry

with them. They did
a great a job.

It's just years later
you learn new things.

You have great parents.
They love you.

I don't like when
people hold on to it

though. Like you
ever see a guy go,

"My dad used to whoop the shit
out of me with a paddle."

"Whoop the shit out of me."

"You know what?
Graduated with straight As."

Really? Does the end
justify the means?

I don't... I don't know
if that's true or not.

I would never go, "You know,
my neighbor's dog used to bark."

"I knocked on the door,
and I raped his wife."

"That dog don't bark no more.
That dog don't bark no more."

[APPLAUSE]

I hate people
that hold on to memory.

I hate people that
say, "Back then."

Hate's a strong
word, by the way,

But you'll think you know what I
mean. Hate. I don't like people.

You know, hate...
Just it's not a good word.

If I should be
careful in the way

that... You know
what I mean,

people that overuse the word
"hate." "I hate Oprah."

Really? That's who you
fucking hate, Oprah?

That's where you
put your energy?

"Yeah, Oprah,
look at her."

"She just tries to get
a lot of attention

by making the world
a better place."

"She's got to be
fucking stopped."

[LAUGHTER]

"I hate cats."

It's the same thing...
"I hate cats."

Shut... Really?

Hey, let me
tell you something.

I prefer dogs over cats,
but I don't hate cats.

People go, "I hate
cats." Really?

What happened where
you let a cat

get the upper hand like this?

Where were you at when
you went, "Fuck them cats!"

"Oh, God, did you
see that cat,"

"the way it was staring
at me the whole night?"

[LAUGHTER]

Sometimes I feel old...
There's

older people that
are mad at people

that are... Just
for being young.

That happens-They're
just mad for being young.

They go... Just,
you know, they...

Let me tell you
something.

Except for your memories
with your loved

ones, everything is
better tomorrow.

Tomorrow's a better day.
Technology's better.

People are more open-minded.

Tomorrow's better.
So when people...

Some old fuck hold on to
something, anything,

it doesn't even make sense.
I saw this older guy once.

He was like
probably 50, actually.

And he saw a kid
with a cell phone,

and he goes, "Yeah,
when I was a

kid, we didn't
have cell phones."

That's because
they didn't have them.

I don't have something
they're now gonna have

in the future. Do I get
any credit for that?

Back then, it's back then.
Stop with the back then.

"Back then we didn't have
bottled water.

"We drank out
of the hose." Good.

Go drink out of the fucking
hose. No one's stopping you.

Drink hose water,
bottle hose water,

for all your hose-drinking
water friends, okay?

It's just holding on...
"Back then, people wore suits."

"Yeah, you wore suits.
You looked good."

Yeah, I wore a suit
two weeks ago.

It blows, okay?
It's uncomfortable.

"Back then we had pong.
We played pong and we liked it."

"We didn't have electrical
outlet covers back then."

"If a kid stuck his finger in
there, he learned his lesson."

Okay. Do you have
a mental problem?

Who's going, "Yes,
if a three-year-old

doesn't understand
electrical current",

"he deserves to get
his finger zapped."

"Thank you! Finally someone
that agrees with me."

"Back then we didn't wear
bicycle helmets."

"If a kid fell off a bike,
he cracked his head open."

Yeah, I think you cracked
your head open.

That's why you're complaining
about dumb shit.

Why don't you do that?
Why don't you put on a suit

and drink hose water
and play pong

and leave me
the fuck alone, okay?

[APPLAUDING]

Hey, by the way.

Let's deal with this tonight.

We're full grown
adults in a room,

5,000 people.

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER DIES OUT]

You know when people say,
you've heard someone say,

You've been somewhere...
"I don't even watch TV."

"I don't even own a TV."

Okay, they're saying it
for a reason.

Let's start giving them
what they want.

They're not just telling you
they don't watch TV.

They want a reaction, right?

Just start giving it
to them, please.

Can we put it to rest? These
people will shut the fuck up

if we give them what
they want to hear.

Next time somebody goes,
"I don't watch TV,"

just go, "Oh, my God!
You don't watch TV?"

"You're better than everybody."

"Oh, we've got an incredible
person over here."

"You don't watch TV!"

"I can only imagine how many
documentaries you've seen."

"Oh, you're like a poet!"

"I'm gonna give my
children to you

because you could
raise them better."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I do watch TV.

I love it.
I love it all.

About a month ago
I saw a documentary,

and they were talking about...

This is true...
About prostitution.

And some of the prostitutes
said they had kids.

But they go, "But I'm a
good mom. But I have kids."

And a lot of my friends
that I was watching it

with, you know, they were
being silly, they go,

"Come on, you can't be
a prostitute and a good mom."

And I wanted to be
the one that argued it.

I wanted to be the one
to go, "All right.

Don't, you know,
judge everybody."

Because I always think everybody
was a little cute boy

and a little cute girl.
Everybody, right?

If you wanna know who
your friends are, If

you have new friends or
if you have friends,

look at pictures when
they were younger.

You'll understand
who they are.

You'll look at them, you'll
go, "That's who you are."

You never look at a little girl
and go, "Oh, my God."

"She's gonna be a whore
when she gets older."

"She's got whore eyes.
You can see it, right?"

But I still don't understand
how can you do it.

It just seems hard to be
a whore and a good mom.

I just picture a mom, like, in
the kitchen, the kids come down.

She's like, "Let me
tell you something."

"I did not blow
five guys last night"

"so you can get a 'D' in math.
I can't take it anymore."

"Your mother's ass is
not a windsock, Sharon,

so you can buy every
Barbie doll you see"

"when we go shopping."

"Mickey, I did not let
a Chinese businessman"

"take a poop on me
at 3:00 in the morning,"

"so I can send the two of you
to summer camp,"

"and this is the thanks I get?"

"Sometimes I hope
the next dick I

suck I get gonorrhea
and I go blind,"

"so I don't have to look
at the disappointment"

"that the two of you
are turning into."

[LAUGHTER]

I like Extreme Makeover.

The only thing
I'm not crazy about...

I do cry.
I'm not gonna lie.

Why wouldn't you,
if you're normal?

Seriously.

They always ask them
what they like, you know?

They ask the kids,
they have... The producers.

"What do you like?"

And then they say, "Oh, I like,
you know, race cars."

Then they build them
a whole race car

theme bedroom. They
won't fucking stop.

I think it would be so funny

if one time they asked a little
kid, "What do you like?"

He goes, "Pussy."
They're like, "Oh!

And nothing else?"
"Nah, just pussy."

You know, then some
poor guy's gotta run out

and get a big bag of cotton
balls and a toupee

to make a fake pussy
because parents are good people.

I realize the later you're up,

it seems like they
advertise a lot

of things, like
cleaning products

that'll get any stain
out of the carpeting.

They have a lot of bags
that don't leak.

A knife that'll cut
through anything.

I thought, do they
think, like, mass

murderers are up
late at night,

trying to clean up
a crime scene?

Then I thought
I'm being crazy.

But then I swear to you
at 4:00 in the morning,

I saw an ad
for a wood chipper.

What maniac is up
at 4:00 in the morning,

looking for bags that don't
leak and a wood chipper?

Why don't they just give a map
of random vacant lots

where you can bury
dead bodies at?

[LAUGHTER]

They just say things
late at night.

It's just they
ask questions

that no reasonable person's
gonna respond to.

"You shouldn't
have to pay more,

just 'cause you
have bad credit."

[LAUGHTER]

I've had bad credit, and I
like to believe that's true.

Well, what person's
going, "You know",

"every time people give me
money, I fuck 'em over."

"Now I need more money.
Shouldn't I get a discount?"

[LAUGHTER]

Then he sees the commercial.
He's like, "Yeah, thank you."

There's an ad for a law
firm, Becker and Becker.

They go, "At Becker and Becker,
we can't reverse your injuries",

"but we sure can get you
a fair settlement."

Okay, no shit.

Who's calling to see if they
could reverse the injuries?

What guy is calling up with his
wife in the other room,

"Honey, I'm gonna call
Becker and Becker."

"At this point, I
guess all we can

hope for is a
fair settlement."

"Ask if they can
reverse the injuries."

[LAUGHTER]

[SCOFFS]

"Honey, I gotta be
honest, and I love you,"

"but that's a little
unrealistic."

"I think we should
just call to see

if we can get a
fair settlement."

"If it was your back,
I would ask them."

"Why does everything
have to be a fight?"

[LAUGHTER]

"Hi, Becker and Becker?"

"Yeah, can you, um,."

"I was in a car accident,"

"and I was just wondering
if you could..."

"Ask them!"

"Could you reverse injuries?"

"No."

"You can't reverse
the injuries? Okay."

"No, they can't reverse
the injuries, honey."

"Ask for the supervisor."

[LAUGHTER]

You never know, maybe
the supervisor gets on...

"Sure, we can reverse
the injuries."

[LAUGHTER]

The thing they try to do
late at night on TV

is they always ask you,
"Are you tired of..."

They always have
to sell a new product

by crapping on the old products.

"Are you tired
of old-fashioned mops?"

All right, shut up!

Nobody's tired
of old-fashioned mops.

Who's walking around...

"I can't take these
mops anymore."

"What's going on
with our society today?"

"Look at these mops!
They're fucking archaic, honey."

They try to talk you into it.

"Are you tired
of old-fashioned mops?"

"No."

"Yeah. But come on,
think about it."

"Could you... Like you could
leave 'em or take 'em right?"

"Yeah."
"Then you're... Fuck 'em."

"No. I didn't
say that. I just-."

"Yeah, but is a mop your
favorite thing on a stick?"

"No. A hot dog is."

"Then fuck mops."

"Yeah, you're right."

"Are you tired?"

Always trying to make you
tired of it, you know?

They have this other thing...

It's for a thing
you plug into the wall,

and it keeps bugs
out of your house.

Probably happens through
a high pitched sound.

That's not good enough.
They gotta shit on the old way.

"Are you tired of exterminators
coming into your house?"

"Spraying poison on your
children and food?"

If you're younger and you go
to your guidance counselor

and you go, "You know what,
I don't know what I wanna do"

"the rest of my life
for a living."

"Why don't you tell me
what you like to do,"

"then I could tell you
what profession does that."

"You can?
Shut the fuck up."

"Yeah. What do you
like to do?"

"I like to spray poison
in babies' faces."

"Oh, you should be
an exterminator.

That's what
they do."

"Yeah, they come
into your house,"

"they go, 'Hey,
is that your baby?'"

"You go, 'Yeah.'
They go...'Pssshhhhh!'"

"Oh, my God, you sprayed
poison in my baby's face."

"Yeah, that's how we get rid of
bugs, lady, don't be stupid."

[LAUGHTER]

You notice they
always happen to have

a dumb person in
these infomercials?

You know who they
think that is? Us.

They always have 'em.

They know they can't go,
"Hey, we know you're dumb."

"So we're gonna answer dumb
questions you might ask."

So they always have
a dumb person in there.

That represents
who they think we are.

In the Magic Bullet infomercial,

they literally... They have
the Magic Bullet,

and they have a woman and
she goes, "Hold on a second."

"You just crushed ice,
now you're grinding coffee,"

"now you're mixing up
margaritas..."

"All in that one thing."

"What is it?"

It's a blender,
you stupid whore.

They go, "You can make a chicken
salad sandwich in five seconds."

Okay, first of all,
no, you can't.

No, you can't.
Stop saying that.

Chopped-up chicken,
some chopped-up

celery, Some
chopped-up tomato.

Ghhh! Ghhh!
Yeah.

But I don't have chopped-up
bowls of shit in my kitchen.

I don't have
an infomercial kitchen.

They think they have to list
everything a product can do.

And this product will come
along every so many years.

Sometimes it's a waffle maker.

"It's an amazing waffle maker."

"Over here we have waffles
with strawberries on them."

"Over here we're putting
pineapples on our waffles."

Yeah, I know you
can put shit on waffles.

Nobody comes over
to your house,

"Hey, can I put strawberries
on these waffles?"

"Oh, fuck.
I wish you could."

"You're talking about the one
on the infomercial."

"Nah, mine's only plain."

"I'm sorry. I wish you could,
you know. It'd be great."

ShamWow is my favorite.

The ShamWow is the
epitome of listing

everything. The
ShamWow, they just, uh,

they think they gotta list every
single thing the product can do.

"It wipes up juice. It wipes
up soda. It wipes up cola."

"It wipes up any
type of beverages."

"Use it inside, use it outside,"

"use it upstairs,
use it downstairs."

"The ShamWow will be wiping up
messes for years to come."

"Low pulp orange juice,
medium pulp orange juice,"

"extra pulp orange juice,
all types of orange juice."

"Grapefruit juice, mixed drinks,
vodka and soda, rum and coke."

"All types of mixed drinks.
Use it

in your car, use
it in your RV,"

"use it in your boat, it'll wipe
up anything, anywhere."

"It will wipe up on hardwood
floors, linoleum floors,"

"dark hardwoods, stained
hardwood, any type of hardwood,"

"cement floors and more.
What type of cat do you have?"

"Do you have a Persian cat,
do you have an alley cat,"

"do you have a Himalayan cat,
do you have a Siamese cat?"

"It'll wipe up the hair,
wipe off the hair off the sofa,"

"off the ottoman,
off the floor."

"Stop using lint brushes."

"If you wet them, oh,
they're no good anymore."

"You can use it everywhere."

"Drop mustard packets
on the floor, wipe 'em up."

"Drop ketchup packets
on the floor, wipe 'em up."

"What type of dog do you have?"

"Do you have a Miniature
Pinscher, a Doberman Pinscher,"

"a Schnauzer? Any type of dog."

"It'll wipe messes off the
floor. That's right."

"Oh, my God, the
dog peed on the

rug. If you didn't
have a ShamWow,"

"it gets right into
the floorboards."

"Oh, my God, we have to
sell the house and move."

"What are you gonna do?"

"Drop McDonald's food
on the floor, wipe it up."

"Drop Burger King on the
floor, wipe it up."

"Drop Taco Bell on the
floor, wipe it up."

"Anything...
Hamburgers, chicken,."

"Chicken McNuggets,
tenders and everything more."

"Drop a slushy on the floor,
wipe it right up."

"Use it everywhere you go.
Drop a grilled

cheese sandwich on the
floor, wipe it up."

"Pepper Jack cheese, American
cheese, white cheese,"

"yellow cheese, Gouda cheese,
any type of cheese at all."

"It'll wipe it right up.
That's right."

"Right now, we'll
send you 50 ShamWows

and a free pair
of scissors."

"You take those 50 ShamWows
and cut them in half,"

"and you'll have
100 ShamWows."

"That's right."

"Drop a ShamWow on the floor."

"Wipe it up with
another ShamWow."

Thank you everybody.
Good night.

Thank you.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ANNOUNCER: Todd Glass.

Thank you very much.

ANNOUNCER: Todd Glass.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much,
everybody.

Good night.
Thank you.