All language subtitles for Anchorman.2.The.Legend.Continues.2013.1080p.BluRay.x264.YIFY2

Today's top story,
Mount St. Helene.

Oh, this is just a gimmick.
It's a flash in the pan.

We better hope so.

Residents are being asked
to evacuate the area...

Twenty-four hours
of news.

How are they gonna keep
coming up with this stuff?

My guess is they'll
probably be scraping

the bottom of the barrel.

No, I have a feeling they'll
stick with their integrity

and only report the news
that needs to be reported.

Let's see here.

"Global temperatures
rise half a degree,

"alarm climate
scientists." Boring.

"China could dominate the world
economy in the next decade."

Nope.

Anyone else?

What if we show a porno
instead of the news?

Freddie?

No. Absolutely not.

I know. What if we get one
of those wildlife handlers?

We have him bring in,
oh, big game cats.

You know, wild, dangerous tigers and
lions and leopards and the such.

We let them loose inside the studio
with about a dozen chickens.

We play rock music. And we
just call it Let Her Rip.

I'd watch that.
I'd watch that.

Let Her Rip?

You're describing the end of civilization.
That's not news!

If that's the end
of times, I'm...

I got a front-row seat with a
big tub of buttered popcorn

and a greasy
half-live chicken leg.

Okay, so obviously this is
a waste of time. I'm done.

Freddie! Come on!

We're just
brainstorming here.

We're trying to figure out how
to make the news less boring,

and you act like we peed
in your milkshake.

The news is supposed
to be boring, Ron!

This is serious stuff.

You're the one that
made this stupid bet!

I just don't know why we
have to tell the people

what they need to hear.

Why can't we just tell them
what they want to hear?

Wait, wait, wait.

Say that again.

I said, why do we have
to tell the people

what they need to hear?

Why can't we just tell them
what they want to hear?

And what do they
want to hear, Ron?

That we live in the greatest
country God ever created.

Damn straight!
Made him happy.

And we should
do stories on patriots.

Cute, funny little
animals, huh? Or diets.

Why blondes have more fun.

And serious
investigative pieces,

about how much ejaculate
is on hotel duvets.

And only the best
sports highlights.

Home runs, slam dunks,
touchdowns and no soccer.

I like the wind!

Brick's right.
People love hurricanes.

Tornadoes,
earthquakes, floods,

we'll throw Brick
right in the middle of it.

You'd do that?

People'll go nuts.
I'd watch that!

No, this goes
against every rule

of broadcast
journalism I know.

Freddie, as the
wise man once said,

"So?"

We got 10 hours
till we go on.

We'll only need eight!

Is that candy?
I don't know.

It is candy.

I like you.
I like you.

Tell me something
about you.

Well, I'm 19 years old.
My middle name is Courtney.

I can always guess
how many jelly beans

are in a jelly bean jar,

even if it's not right.

What about you?

My name is
Chani Lastname.

I'm a real go-getter
and a person people.

I can type 50 words a minute
with only 300 errors.

I'm trained
and certified...

to fire a military-grade
missile launcher.

Me, too.

Chani, I just got these phone
messages from last week.

You mailed them to me?

How else was I gonna
get them to you?

You hand them to me.

Oh.

You are the dumbest person
I've met in my entire life,

and that's not
an exaggeration.

That makes me feel bad.

Well, it's the
truth, Chani.

You!

- Leave her alone!
- Excuse me, sir.

Get your filthy hands
off of her!

Help, help!

Excuse me, sir!

Leave me alone, lady!
Excuse me!

She is a goddess
among women!

Glen!

My phone messages!

Leave him alone!

Not today!

She has butterflies
in her heart!

Chani! I can see you behind
that desk, and you're fired!

Why?

Are you okay?

You saved my life.

She was trying
to set me on fire.

I didn't ask
for these powers.

I was given them.

Last night

a bird chased me,

and I wished
it was you.

Can we go to a date?

Yes.

Dear God, please help
me pull this off.

I swear, if you
help me, I will...

I will become a monk.

I will shave my head
and become a monk...

Ah, who are we kidding?
I'm not going to do that.

Oh, did you hear?

Evan said there's some strange
copy in the prompter.

It's 2:00 a.m.

It's Freddie Shapp's ass,
not mine. Let's go.

People
who change history

are rarely aware of it
while doing so.

Ron and his news team
simply thought

they were making
the news more fun.

Little did they know
they were changing

the course of broadcast
history forever.

Hello, America. It's 2:00 a.m.
Eastern time.

I'm Ron Burgundy,
and tonight's top story is

America.

She's the greatest
country in the world.

Heck, the history
of the world!

You're damn right!

Too much of the news is about
what's wrong with America.

Amen, brother!

Well, tonight, our top story
is what's right with America.

Someone's finally
talking sense on the TV.

For starters,
we kick butt.

Nazi butt.
Russian butt.

What the hell
is he doing?

He's talking
about America.

Why, do you have
a problem with that?

Tonight I begin part one
of my 11-part series

on the power and mystery
of the human vagina.

This series will be
a tasteful look

at just what makes
a vagina tick,

as well as a look
at the 50 greatest vaginae

of the 20th century.

Son of a bitch!

One final question,
and I'll let you go.

Who tops the list of the
top 50 greatest vaginae?

Well, I don't want
to give anything away.

I thought I had you.

I will give you
number two.

Please.
Madame Curie.

Of course. Of course.

Whammy! Whammy!

Whammy! Whammy! Whammy!

Whammy!

Whammy!

Back to you, Ron.

The wind is really windy.

Brick? Brick,
can you hear me?

I can't hear you, Ron!

Okay, but you're
answering the question,

so I think you
can hear me.

No, I can!

Brick, do you think
there is any danger

to the average
person out there?

I'm afraid for the animals
of New York, Ron.

I saw a woman, and her dog
never touched the ground.

You're saying wind gusts as
fast as a supersonic jet?

It looked like she was
walking a dog balloon.

And go... Switch.

And for our eighth and final
animal story of the night,

it looks like residents
of North Yulk, Montana,

have found the
cutest little patriot

on God's green earth.

Look at that little guy!

Oh, wow, he was
having some fun.

Well, for all of
us here at GNN,

I'm Ron Burgundy.

And don't just
have a great night,

have an American night.

And we're out!

Wow!

I couldn't take my eyes

off the screen!
Yes.

You were electric,
Ron! Whammy!

That just felt right!
That felt right!

I was outside!

You sure were, Brick.
Wonderful job.

Amazing. Great job.

What the hell was that?
What the hell was that?

Hey, hey, hey.
Take it easy, Linda.

We were just
trying something new.

You changed the format
of the entire show

without consulting me?
That's unacceptable!

Damn straight, sister.

We just done went
and brought it!

And here's the truth. You
can't handle it, little mama!

Get out! You are all
terminated immediately.

If you were a man,
I'd knock you out.

Oh. Oh, really?
Well, go ahead!

Take a swing!
Take your best shot!

I have five brothers,

and two of them are defensive
backs in the NFL, so come on!

You want me to do it? Yeah.

This thing's not
gonna feel good.

Do it, Ron.
Just do it.

Are you scared?
What's the problem?

Is he a chicken?
Are you a chicken?

I'm not a chicken at all.

I'm going to make that
mustache of yours all bloody.

Well...

Seems like you're
buying time, Ron.

I'm not buying time.

Ron! Just do what men
have been doing

for thousands of years,
and punch the woman.

Punch her!
You're stalling.

Punch the woman!

Here comes the Toledo Express.
All aboard!

Ron! No!

I didn't do it!

Mama, your baby's hurt.

Your baby.

What is that sound
you're making? Good Lord!

You sound
like a balloon.

Pull yourself together, man.

Security!

They saw my pee-pee.

The eighth grade boys
saw my pee-pee!

Did you say they
saw your pee-pee?

In the locker room,
they saw my pee-pee.

You just knocked him
back into fifth grade.

Get him out of here!

Bugger me
with a didgeridoo.

We knew we'd
struggle to start,

but these ratings are lower
than I'd even imagined.

Thank God
for the 2:00 a.m. spike.

It really saved
our whole launch.

Spike? What are
you talking about?

What spike?

Burgundy.
Who's Ron Burgundy?

No, no, no,
this can't be right.

His team start at a .2,

and then they
finish at a 5.6?

That's unbelievable! They
tripled Jack Lime's numbers!

How is that even possible?
Who are these guys?

They're a local team
out of San Diego.

You little beauty!

Well, they no longer
work for us.

I fired them.

Well, guys,
it goes without saying

I owe you gentlemen
an apology.

I dragged you out here
and this thing

was a disaster
from the word "go."

No, Ron, don't you
beat yourself up.

Yeah, it's all right, Ron.

Gin.

Brian, any idea
what you might do next?

Gonna head back to L.A.

I got a good group
of buddies out there.

O.J. Simpson. Phil Spector.
Robert Blake.

Sounds like a fun crew.

We go out cruising chicks.

Call ourselves
the "Ladykillers."

I love that name. You should get it
on the back of matching jackets.

That's not a bad idea.

Uh, guys?

Hey.

I got some news.

Freddie, we don't
exactly want to hear

- the word "news" right now.
- Yeah.

You're right. Forget it.
Forget I was even here.

Forget that GNN
wants you back.

For a prime time slot
and a raise in pay.

Quit yanking our penises,
Freddie! What's the deal?

Yeah! Quit yanking
our anuses.

No. I'm not yanking your...

Your ratings went
through the roof.

People love what you did.

You're a success!

Get it? You're a great,
big, fat success!

By the bed pan
of Gene Rayburn!

It's total crap

and they can't stop watching!

The news team
had been famous in San Diego,

but that was small time
compared to New York.

This fame was a rocket ship.

A rocket ship
that had free drinks

and topless stewardesses.

That'll do it for all
of us here at GNN.

Thank God for the events,
thank me for the news.

I'm Jack...

Lame.

Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey!

More graphics,
all right?

But there's already a lot.

Hey, you heard the man.
More graphics.

Let a citizen ask a question
here, for God's sake!

Can Father Ron please shut
his mouth for half a second?

This is against
everything

that I have worked
for my entire life.

Oh, honey, come on.

If you're like me,
you need an underwear

that fits your
active lifestyle.

At finer specialty
and department stores.

I'm weatherman Brick
Tamland, and I like butter.

Butter is nutritious
and it tastes great.

Butter!

There's something new
on the New York social scene.

It's fun, relatively benign
and costs about as much

as a soda pop
at the local drugstore.

Here's Brian Fantana

on why everyone
who is someone

is lighting up
to smoke crack.

Now, Brian, I understand
we have some crack

and we're going to smoke it
right here in the studio.

I don't know if we can
get a shot of that.

What is that? Did you know
they were gonna have that?

No.

Now, what you're gonna do is, you're
gonna put your rock in the pipe.

Is that where the phrase "Put it in
your pipe and smoke it" comes from?

I don't care.

I love it when you do
cooking segments. Mmm.

Oh! Oh, whoa!

You feel that right away.

Wow, that's good. That's good. That's
an immediate state of euphoria.

You'll be surprised. The effect,
it happens very... Ohh!

It's just refreshing.

They're actually
enjoying it.

Of course they're
enjoying it. It's crack.

Well,
now we know, guys,

you can't smoke crack
on live television.

Hey, gang.

You know what would make
this great day even better?

What?

Perms for everyone!

Yay!

Please come in
and shut the door.

If this is about
sweeps, um,

I think Brian Fantana
found an outstanding story.

It's about airplane parts

that are falling off of
airplanes out of the sky

and hitting the
ground, people.

We're calling it "Death From
Above." We might do some...

You. Come here.

I've been watching you.

You have?

I've been watching
you a lot.

And you just do
whatever you want.

Well, I'm a bit
of a maverick, I guess.

You don't follow
the format.

You pretty much
walk around like...

Like you're king
of the world.

I'm just a worker bee.
That's all I am.

You know what?
What?

Oh!

I find it hot as shit!

Are you going
to hurt me?

Here's the thing,
Mr. Burgundy.

You're a shooting star and
I want to go for a ride.

God, I'm so
afraid right now.

Now, I want to hear
you meow like a cat.

Now, I want you
to bark like a dog.

Bark. Bark. Bark!

Like a puppy.
Like a puppy.

Yeah. Come on! Do it!

Mmm.

Aw.

Don't cry.

It's sexual
and yet frightening.

It's an odd mixture.

Um, come in.

Uh, Linda.

Excuse me, Linda.

Ron, Jack wants to know

if he can go back to
calling himself Jack Lime

instead of Jack Lame.

He's really
struggling with it.

No. Can't.
It's a bet.

Oh, Jesus!

If you want to
change it, you can.

Like what?

Art Areola.

No! No, that's worse!
You know it's worse!

How about this one? You can
call yourself Dick Fuck.

Spell it P-H-U-C.

You'll be huge
in the Vietnamese community.

Freddie, I can't.

Listen to me, Burgundy. This is
far from over, do you hear me?

I'll see you
on the playground.

Well.

This, uh,

meeting has been

very productive.

You can pick
me up at 8:00.

Okay, I'm very confused
by what's going on here.

Get out!

Oh, Ron. Ron, you are missing
some real high-quality

Garfield laughs
over here!

I think our boss
just raped me.

What?

I don't know what happened.
All a bit of a blur.

There was hands

and hair, and breath, and lips.

There might have been other
people, I don't know.

Sounds like she wants you.

Hey, man. Women have
been all over me

since we got crazy famous.

Not to brag or anything,

but I just gave
Florence Henderson crabs.

That is in no way a brag,
Brian. That's horrible.

Hey, it's just doing something
beautiful, that two people do.

Except one of them has
microscopic dust mites

- all over his penis and testicles.
- I'm just saying,

the mom of The Brady Bunch
had a fun time with you,

and then woke up the next day
and realized she had crabs.

I gave her a whole
Brady Bunch of crabs.

Sounds to me
like it's her fault

for being a randy gal.

I have a date!

Brick has a date?

Good for Brick!

What's a date?

A date is simply when two
people get together,

do something social,
have a few drinks,

yadda-yadda-yadda...

Take their shirts off...

- Oh, it's okay.
- No, it's a fun thing.

It's fun.
It's all right.

Look. Don't worry, Brick,
we got your back, okay?

First things first, we need to
get you a little protection.

Oh!

There it is.

Brian Fantana's glorious
cabinet of condoms.

Oh, Brian, I know. How
about The Hooded Guest?

I like the cut of your jib.

That one
is ultra-ribbed.

It's like you're wearing an
armadillo shell on your privates.

It takes two hours to get on.

It's hooded. She'll
never see you coming.

Oh, oh. Wait, wait, wait.

You thinking
what I'm thinking?

"Lou Dobin's
Good Time Weiner Pouch."

That's a good one.

Dobin. Just a drifter who loves
to watch people have sex.

They're made of denim,

so they look better
after each washing.

Talk about a great ride.

I think I have it.

Po' Boy Condom.

It's a terrific condom.

Although it does burn a bit because
it's covered in Cajun spices.

It'll put a blister
on your po' boy.

Brian, what's the nickname for your
penis whenever you wear a Po' Boy?

Fat Tuesday.

Wait a minute.
I've got it.

"The Rigid Ghost."
Mmm.

Ah, it's the best damn
rubber on the market.

Hah, I got four of my seven illegitimate
children using this condom.

Uh, but, Brian, isn't that the
whole point of wearing a condom?

To not
impregnate the woman?

Well, you know the old
expression. "Nope."

Thank you, Ron,
and happy St. Patrick's Day

to all of our
Native American friends.

On the big map...

Where's my map?

There's no map,
it's just green.

No, there's a map there.
Look at the monitor.

Right. Oh.

Ron, where's my legs?

Where are my legs?
Your legs are there.

I don't have
any legs, Ron.

I don't even know
how I'm standing up.

Brick, your legs are fine.

The color of your pants
just matches...

Ron, I don't have any legs!

The Chroma-Key behind you.

Ninety-three?

Ninety-three?

Relax.

And after I received my Masters
in Journalism from Columbia,

I got a job with the London
bureau for ABC News.

Wow, London.

You're so impressive,
and I've...

I've only been out of
the United States twice.

A handful of times
in Mexico, and then

the second time
I left the country,

we went to Salem, Oregon.

Mr. Burgundy,
are you nervous?

God, yes.

Did I scare you
by coming on so strong?

A little bit, sure.

Look, it's not that you're
not attractive... Mmm-hmm?

It's just I'm a little
old-fashioned.

Well, I am a modern woman. Mmm.

And let me tell you,

when I see something
that I want, I go for it.

Can I ask you a question?

Mmm-hmm.

Is that your foot
between my legs?

No.

Oh. I'm sorry.

It was my hand.

So...

We're going to do this,
aren't we?

We most definitely
are gonna do this.

I feel a little awkward,
because I'm...

I'm about to have
sex with a black lady!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry.

Mmm. That's not the way I
like to handle my business.

When I get nervous,
I sometimes lose control

of the volume of my voice.

Well, I don't mind,

because I am going
to have you tonight.

Then let's leave

and go have
interracial sex!

Sorry.

This is the nicest
soda machine

anyone's ever
taken me to.

The beauty of this
soda machine pales

in comparison
to your beauty.

Can I ask you
a personal question?

I'm not sure
what that is, but yes.

Have you ever
kissed anyone?

Do faces on the TV screen

and Planet of the Apes
action figures count?

Of course.

Then, yes. I have kissed
Angie Dickinson and Dr. Zaius.

I've only kissed people
in my dreams.

So, I've only kissed
a tiny dragon

and a woman
with her hair on fire.

I don't have a lot
of experience with kissing,

but I do know one thing...

Always get
your teeth involved.

I think I'm ready to maybe
try that kiss thing now.

Hello, Ms. Jackson.

I didn't mean
to scare you.

Mr. Allenby, I wasn't
expecting you to...

Yeah, no, I know.
Neither was I.

But then I heard
about this little story

that Ron Burgundy and
Brian Fantana are running.

You see, some of the
planes from my airline

have had parts
falling off them lately.

Is it a problem? Yeah.

Is it being fixed?
I don't know, probably.

But if that story runs,
then Koala stock will plummet.

We can't just pull the story.
That would be unethical.

We own the news.
We can do whatever we want.

That's one of the perks.

It's called "synergy." One
company working with another.

To synergy.

You seem a little quiet,
I must say.

Just so you know,
I'm absolutely fine

with going
to this family dinner.

They're going to love you.

Mmm. This is delicious!

So...

How long have you
and Linda been dating?

Mother.

Oh.

No, it's all right.
It's a logical question.

Um...

Ours is a new love,
but it burns very brightly.

And it gets hot
and sweaty and stanky.

There's some stank
on that love.

What... What are you
talking about?

Let's put it this way, I be
busting nuts like a squirrel.

Oh, now, we don't have conversations
like that over dinner.

What are you doing?

I'm addressing the white
elephant in the room.

I'm breaking down the barriers

of race by assimilation.

That's all I'm doing. Well,
you're coming off like a jerk.

I think it's going well.

If you haven't noticed,

we don't
converse like that.

Okay, okay.

Look at big papa
down here.

He's saying to himself,
"Shit! Look at this honky.

"Sittin' at my table, eatin' my food.
In my house? Touching my daughter?"

I have.

- I have touched your daughter.
- Honey!

We have done things, Papa.

You ain't gonna like.
You ain't gonna like it none!

Oh, my goodness!

I mean, I'm just a guy
from Terre Haute, Indiana

with a big ol' dick and a fat wallet
and a spleef the size of a baby arm.

Just looking for someone
who wants to smoke it.

Let's get some smoke
going in this place, right?

This ain't no Super Fly.
What is your problem, man?

Linda, I don't understand
what you are doing with him.

Oh, you know what
I'm comin' at you with,

you big black mother of Linda.
Mix it up in a pot!

Makin' it spicy!
Oh, my Lord.

Hey. In the back,
cooking up chitlins.

Big ol' titties.
Big ol' titties.

Excuse me?

- That's my mama, man.
- Hey.

Wave your hands in the air.

Wave your hands in the air
like you just don't care.

Please, don't do this.

Now, which one of you
pipe-hittin' bitches

can pass me the mashed potatoes?

Oh, I don't think that
dinner could've gone any better.

Are you nuts?

No, I'm not!
I had a wonderful evening!

My dad was kicking you
in the head!

I thought it was like
being jumped into a gang.

Only with dinner guests!

You called my family
"pipe-hittin' bitches!"

I hate to
pin it on you, but

you did
invite me to dinner.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.
I just...

I'm just under
a lot of stress because...

Because Allenby, he
doesn't want you to do

the story that
you're doing for sweeps.

"Death From Above."

It's an excellent story.
Wonderful expose.

Listen, Ron.

Have you ever heard
of synergy?

So your mom thought
we should get together,

spend a little time.

She doesn't think I connect
with you as a child.

Can you believe that bullshit?

Oh! This is hard.

Things you say
to a 6-year-old...

Oh! Guess what?
I slept with a black woman.

What?
Nothing.

Dad, do you like Spider-Man?

Nope. Don't care for him.
Never have.

Don't like the mask, the costume,
the get-up, the webs. Uh-uh.

He comes off like a real dickhead.
Real poser.

What's a poser?

A poser is Gary.
That's what a poser is.

By the way,
how is that shitheel?

What's a shitheel?

A shitheel is a real fun term

that you should call Gary
every time you see him.

When he wakes you up for breakfast,
say, "Good morning, shitheel."

He'll probably give you
$5 or some candy.

Does that sound good?
Yeah.

You're a shitheel, Dad.

Good.

You should just call Gary that.
'Cause it makes him really happy.

It makes me sort of happy,
but it makes him really happy.

Dad.
Huh?

Sometimes I hear
sounds at night

and I get scared.

I think there's
a ghost in my closet.

Now, you
listen to me, son.

There is no such thing
as ghosts. Case closed.

So what's real
that's scary?

You really want to know

the one thing
you should be afraid of?

Yes, I really do.

Voodoo.
Voodoo?

Yes, voodoo.

That shit will
mess you up.

And it is 100% real.

Promise me

that you'll never
go to Haiti.

I promise, Dad.

This was good. I enjoyed
spending time with you.

Me, too, Dad.

Oh, and hey. Do you want
to go to Haiti sometime?

No.
Good. Good.

What did you tell him?

I didn't tell him anything.

He hasn't slept
for four days, Ron!

Everywhere we go, he asks
me if we're going to Haiti!

What does that even mean?

I am so sick and tired
that you've sheltered him

from the evils of voodoo.

You need to learn to connect
with him in a healthy way!

Let me ask you something, and I'm
not trying to be funny here.

Are you sure he's not a midget
with a learning disability?

He is seven years old, Ron.

All right.
Now listen to me.

He has a science fair
tomorrow, at 8:00,

and he wants you
to be there.

I will be there.
All right?

Now, who do you have
for sweeps week?

I'm not discussing
work with you, Ron, okay?

Just be there
at the science fair tomorrow.

Fine!

Well, they're calling it
the interview of the decade.

Veronica Corningstone will
sit down with Yasser Arafat.

Yasser who?

The head of the PLO
and some say

the key to peace
in the Middle East.

Of course, Ms. Corningstone is
the ex-wife of Ron Burgundy,

so you know that's got to be
a little stinger for Ronny.

Tony Danza's scrotum!

Well, that'll do it
for all of us here at GNN.

Thank God for the events,
thank me for the news.

I'm Dick Phuc.

We're going to get crushed
in ratings. Just crushed.

I really thought we had
a chance this time.

What about my
"Death From Above" story?

You better ask Ron
about that.

We're pulling that story,
Brian.

What? Why? I worked
hard on that story.

It was my call,
all right, Brian?

Just let it go.
It's synergy.

What does that mean?

Take it easy, Ron.

We got further than anybody thought we would.
We'll get 'em next time.

You take it easy!

I'm not in this
to finish second!

I think Champ
is just saying...

I know what he was trying
to say, Brian, okay?

And it doesn't surprise me
that you guys don't care.

Let's face it, I'm the one
who gets the ratings.

I'm starting to wonder
what you clowns actually do.

Chani likes clowns.
Except for the scary ones.

Shut up, Brick!

Just shut up for once!

Ron

yelled at me.

You're damn right
I yelled at you!

You don't yell at Brick.

Are you
still smoking crack?

No.

I only smoked crack
that one time.

That's a lie. I've done
it six more times.

You made Brick cry.

You've gone
ratings crazy, Ron.

But seriously, do you have
any more of that crack left?

You know what, Ron?

We're a news team,
and that's a bond for life.

But I don't like
the man you've become.

You know, we were happy
when you found us.

Right?

I was taking
pictures of pussies,

Champ was serving bats to
people, and Brick was dead.

We took a gamble. Took a
gamble to follow you here.

But I'm starting to realize,
this was all about you,

and beating Veronica
at all costs.

Had nothing to do with the news,
nothing to do with the team.

Brian, don't.

You know, I might not
be the smartest guy,

but I know a thing or two
about a thing or two.

I know that if you're
pleasuring a woman down south,

you use your tongue
to spell out the alphabet.

Around the bubble.
Around her bubble.

The vulva!
The Volvo.

I know that "synergy" is a
completely made-up word.

I know that washing
your hands is for nerds.

Especially if you
don't mind pinkeye.

And I know that, no matter what,
you always stand by your friends.

You'll have to
excuse me, Brian.

I've got a sore back

from carrying your ass around
for the last 15 years.

You know what, Burgundy?

I think your mouth is writing
checks that your body isn't...

Can't even...
Do anything with.

Fine, go!
I don't need you!

I'll do the news by myself!

Tonight I interview
Yasser Arafat,

This is terrible. The
secretive head of the PLO.

We're on in 20, Ron. 20.
All right.

You ready?

What's that?
Huh?

Oh, that's nothing.
It's just a car chase

on the satellite feed
from Milwaukee.

You know what?

Give it to me live
to start the broadcast.

No. That's not news, Ron.

Give it to me live, okay?

And don't question
me again.

Bill!

Now to you,
the modern viewer,

Here we go. Reporting on a
car chase may seem commonplace,

3, 2... but in 1980,
it was unheard of.

Good evening.
I'm Ron Burgundy,

reporting live
from New York.

We have breaking news developing
in our nation's heartland.

A high-speed car chase
is in progress...

Keep the "Breaking News" logo.
Keep up the graphics.

Reaching speeds
of 100 miles per hour.

And for the first time
in news history,

we will stay with it live

until it resolves
in either a huge accident

- or a massive shootout.
- Richard!

Hurry. Get in here! There's
a car chase on the news!

When is Dad
gonna be here?

He'll be here.

Are you a little upset?

Do you want to
do that thing where we

sort of talk
about our feelings?

Oh, God, no.
Okay.

This is the pulse
of what's going on

in our country right now.

Freddie, what's going on?

Why is there a local
car chase on the TV?

It's Burgundy. He insisted!

Can't you see what
the son of a bitch is doing?

We didn't have a story,
so he made one.

You can't do that!

Tell Ron to speculate
who's driving the car.

Ron, speculate
on who's driving the car.

Uh, we believe the driver
may be on drugs.

He's probably 6'7 ", 6'8".

But a skinny 6'7 ", 6'8".
About 160.

He may have
a hostage or two.

Uh, we don't know.
He could have...

The phone lines are lighting up.
It's about the chase!

I've never seen
anything like it!

Mr. Arafat,
is there any

scenario by which peace
could be reached with Israel?

Peace is what burns in my heart.
I am committed to...

What was... Excuse me.

What happened to the...

The network cut to
another developing story.

Some kind of
crazy car chase.

Who covers a car chase?

I am sitting here with the most important
interview of my entire career,

and they're cutting
to a car chase?

I would like to watch
the car chase.

You need to shut your mouth.

This is
extremely gripping.

Oh! Oh! He just hit a car!
He just hit a car!

He hit a car!
Did you see that?

- He hit a car!
- Wow!

He hit the car!
He hit the car!

When did the news get awesome?

And he just
loses it! Wow!

That's exactly
what we needed.

It was getting
a little boring...

Hey. You did
a great job.

Thanks, Gary.

I don't think
your dad's coming.

I'm sorry, honey,
but I think we need to go.

Stop reading my mind!

All right.

I mean, this is
what I worry about.

Did you do that
with your mind?

No.

Liar.

We're just getting word that police
have finally apprehended the suspect.

It turns out that
he is an elderly gentleman,

he's 80 years old,

and he was simply confused.
Unbelievable.

I'm Ron Burgundy.

Don't just have a great night,
have an American night.

And we are clear!

Yes!

Great!

All right!

I don't believe it!
You did it, Ron!

Oh, my goodness.
Thanks, Freddie.

I don't deserve this.

It was a team effort.
It really was.

Now,
ladies and gentlemen,

we all know there's one reason

that GNN
has gotten to the top.

And that reason is the greatest
bloody newsman in the world.

Long may he reign!

Mr. Ron Burgundy!

Yeah, Ron! Yeah!

Fire it up, Ronny!

Let's blaze.

Yeah. To hell
with Ron Burgundy.

We did it,
my onyx hellion.

You're magic!

Ron, you should see
what you're doing!

In the myth of Icarus,

Icarus, full of the folly
that comes with pride,

flew too high

and the sun melted his wings.

Burgundy's fame was bigger
than he ever imagined.

And the fall was dizzying.

Oh, my God, Ronny!

Ron!

Will somebody call an ambulance?

Do not die in front of us!

Do not die in front of us!

Stay classy,
Ron Burgundy.

Somebody
call an ambulance!

Damn it, Milton,
what is it?

Well, Ron...

I, um...

It looks as if
both optic nerves

are separated from
their respective corneas.

What? No other way
to put this, but...

You're blind.

Milton, I'm an anchorman.

I read the news off the teleprompter.
It's what I do!

How will I live?

I'm no career counselor,

but there are
many things you can do.

Be an oracle,
or a mystic.

Clearly, there
must be something

in this new-fangled office
of yours that can help me!

Settle down. There's got
to be something in here!

Settle down!

Zombies! Zombies!

Ahh!

If you get my hands
on me, I'll kill you.

The world of the blind.

Ron Burgundy, a man who had

flourished in a visual medium,

had forever entered
this realm of darkness.

Who is it?

Ron, it's us!

I'm sure you gentlemen

are famished
from your travels.

I hope you like Triscuits
and some pimento loaf.

Still hot off the griddle!

There we go.

Well, everyone at the station
really misses you, Ron.

Jack Lime's been filling in for
you since you've been gone.

You know, he's really not
such a bad guy after all.

Ha-ha.

He goes by Jack Lame now.

Well, he shouldn't
be doing that.

He should be going
by Jack Lame.

Brick!

Brick.

That's checkers and caulk.
Don't eat that.

What about Linda?
She hasn't called.

Linda's pretty busy.

Ron, I'm going
to need your recipe.

So, Ron, what do you do
with yourself all day?

You're just out here pretty
much away from everything.

Well, every day begins
about the same.

I wake up
screaming in terror

because of the blackness
and I think I'm dead.

Every day?

Yes! Every day!

And then I begin what's called
The Great Adventure.

Making breakfast.

I've eaten everything
from nails to drink coasters.

One time I bit hard
into a marble ashtray,

thinking it was
a savory waffle.

I wanted that waffle so bad!
Completely shattered my teeth.

Couldn't you tell the ashtray
wasn't hot like a waffle?

No! I couldn't!
Because I'm blind!

I'm not blind 23 hours a
day or 22 hours a day,

I'm blind the whole
goddamn time!

Do you have any idea
what it's like

to drink a half a bottle
of ketchup

thinking it was a bottle of
1946 Chateauneuf-Du-Pape?

I even decanted it!

If you drank half a bottle
of that, that's like...

That's like
nine or ten gulps.

I mean, you couldn't tell
that was ketchup?

Did I stutter?

I'm ba-lind!

You're having a tough
time, Ron, I know.

You know what
the biggest indignity is?

I can't even masturbate!

Why?

Heck, one morning,
I spent 20 minutes

aggressively rubbing my shin,
wondering, "Where's the sensation?

"Where's the pleasure coming?"

You rubbed your shin
thinking it was a penis?

I know you think
I'm stupid, don't you?

- No!
- The weirdo

who lives
in the weird lighthouse

in the middle of nowhere.

Ron, it was your choice to
live in a "weird lighthouse."

You know why
I live here?

Let me say it
real slow and real loud.

I'm

bl-i-i-i-i-nd!

I guess we should
get out of here.

Maybe you should go. Yes.

Why don't you guys
get out of here!

Despite my complete
and utter isolation,

your gentlemen's visit
has actually made it worse!

Goodbye, Ron.

What?

No, don't go!

Please! Wait!
I'm all alone! Come back!

Wait! Come back!

Come back!

I'm alone!

Why have you done this to me, God?
Why?

Couldn't you have cured a sick
child or created a new animal?

But, no, you had to
make Ron Burgundy blind!

Well, I never
thought that I would see

the Ron Burgundy full
of so much self-pity.

Who is it? What is that noise?

Take my hand.

I can't see it!

Reach for it, Ron!

You have to learn
to do for yourself now.

All right. This...
Okay. Here we go.

Get up. There we go.

Cher, is that you?

You can't recognize me
by my voice?

Jan-Michael Vincent?

Really?

Every news station is
copying what you did, Ron.

All the stories are about animals,
or car chases or strip clubs.

The genie has been
let out of the bottle,

and old Ron Burgundy
popped the cork.

That's why
I quit WBC News.

What? There's no real news
being reported out there.

It's just
all about ratings.

Veronica.

Why are you here?

I'm here
for our son, Ron.

Walter needs you.

I need you to start
taking responsibility

for him and for yourself.

Do you realize
you're talking to a man

who just this morning
tried to brush his teeth

with a live lobster?

What?

You would've known the second
that you touched it...

I'm just saying it's not
going to be a cakewalk.

Well, then we best get to it.

Now, drink your tea.

Oh!

Let me get a sponge.
I'll get it.

All right.
No, no, just stay there.

I'll have it
cleaned up in a jiffy.

Let's try this again.

Did you throw it?
Yes, I threw it.

Just remember the curves.

The curves.

The green eyes.
Green eyes.

You have to use
your other senses now!

I can't do it!

Baxter found
something on the beach!

Ron, be careful!

It's okay!

Walter, what is it?
It's some kind of fish!

Oh, my goodness!

If he stays tangled
in this net,

he's not
going to survive.

Walter, sweetheart,
it's a shark.

Son,

don't you worry, we won't
let this fellow die.

We'll do it together, Dad.

That should keep him in
there until he's strong enough

to swim out to the deep ocean.

Can I name him?

Of course you can, son.

What about Crackers?

Give me a goddamned break.

Seriously, you've got one of the
most vicious predators in the ocean,

you're gonna name
him "Crackers"?

In the future when you say I can name
something, don't be a dick about it.

Why don't we do this?
Let's name him Doby.

You talk all that smack and that's
the best name you come up with?

Well, we're not gonna get
any better than that.

I mean, you obviously can't name
him anything that sounds good.

How about we forget about this whole
name thing and you go straight to hell?

Well, I don't know what to do.

We might as well poison the
water and let him die.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's just go with Doby.

Fine, then it's settled.
It's Doby.

We'll call him Doby
even though no one likes it.

All right, I can
live with that.

Don't worry, Baxter. We won't
feed him your dog food.

Even though Ron
Burgundy had lost his sight,

he had never seen so clearly.

You did it!

And with every inch
Doby grew, so did Ron's heart.

It's just a bunch
of crazy lines, isn't it?

No. It's beautiful.

It's beautiful.

What about Gary?

We split up two weeks ago.

He was too emotionally stable.
It was so annoying!

And so, just like
the passing of the seasons,

it came time for Doby
to return

to the deep waters
he was meant to call home.

I hear his tail splashing!

He's actually swimming away!

Is he looking back for us
over his shoulder?

Sharks don't
have shoulders, Ron.

No, he just swam away,

and he's instantly looking
for fish to eat.

He was my best friend.

Promise you'll always
be there for me, Dad?

I promise.

If I say I'll be
there for you,

there's nothing on God's earth
that will stop me.

I love you, Dad.

Let's get back up to
the lighthouse, all right?

Come on.
Okay.

Let's go.

I hope you eat lots of fish
and people, Doby.

Oh, there you are.

I found the most beautiful
clams down by the estuary.

I thought we could steam
them up tonight

with a nice butter sauce

and some wine.

Veronica.

Yes, Ron?

Can you explain this?

Ron, this is Dr. Brangley.
I've left dozens of messages.

Somehow, they must be
getting erased.

But there is a procedure

that can possibly
return your sight.

Please get back to me if
you're interested.

Well? Have you been
erasing these messages?

Yes. Ron,
just let me explain.

How could you?

We've never been this happy
and I just thought that...

Thought that
if I could see again,

that somehow I couldn't
love you and Walter anymore?

Yes!

Damn you, woman!

You lied to me!

I gave you everything!

I gave you my heart,

my smile,

my seed.

And you lied to me.

Dad!
Sweetheart.

No! Dad!

Don't leave, Dad!

Dad!
Walter, just...

Sweetheart, we have to let him go.

He needs to go free.

Just like Doby.

He'll be back.
He promised.

Could you please
call me a damn cab? I'm blind!

Of course!

Ron,
the operation was a success.

But we won't know for sure
until we remove the bandages.

Well?

Yes.

I can see.

Oh, God, oh, God.
It's Ron Burgundy, everyone!

You are my inspiration.

Oh, well, thank you.

Welcome back, Ron.

Thanks. Thanks, Bri-man.

Good luck in Vietnam.

Brick.

Brick and I
are having a baby!

We're gonna name him
Tortilla Jackson.

All right.
I'm 22 months pregnant.

Well,
get over here, you bastard.

Got you a drink,
Ron. Come on.

Uh, hold on to that drink.
I just want to grab some air.

How you doing there?

Oh.

I'm fine. Just, uh...

Just a lot
of people in there.

Listen, Ron, I'm sorry that
I never called or visited.

There's no need to explain.

But, listen, I mean,
you're back.

Hello, Ron.

What are you doing here?

I had to come tell you
something very important.

You must be Linda Jackson.

You must be Veronica.

Yes, I am.
It's a pleasure.

This is
a touching moment for me.

Please, don't take this
the wrong way,

but if you
touch Ron again,

I will shoot you in the
cooch with a B.B. gun.

Oh! Well, you can
talk big all you want,

but guess what, this
kitten's got claws, bitch.

Don't mess with me, Linda,

because this "White Thunder"
rolls deep and it rolls nasty.

I was feeling
a little bit down,

but this is definitely
picking up my mood.

Well, I guess I'll
leave you two alone.

And it's been an absolute
pleasure, Ms. Corningstone.

This has been great.

Do you guys want
to kiss real quick?

Ron. Read the room.

I'll take that as a no.

Bye, Linda.

I know why you haven't
been returning my messages.

I wasn't calling for me, I was calling
because Walter has a piano recital

in half an hour at the Tishman
School on 65th Street.

And he wrote
a piece for you, Ron.

Aw, Walter.

It would mean the absolute world
to him to have you there.

Ron, I just got a call from the
control room! Oh, big fan.

Actress Sheila Blackledge,
the mom from the hit sitcom

Four's a Family,
Five's a Crowd,

she just found out
her husband cheated on her

and she severed his penis
while he slept!

Oh, my goodness.

The police arrived. She
fled in her white Bronco,

and now they're engaged
in a high-speed car chase!

We've got an exclusive
on the live feed,

but we've got to go,
right now!

Ron, this can be
your comeback.

Veronica, I...
No, Ron. No.

That will get
sky-high ratings.

Walter will understand.
Walter will understand.

Go.

Come on, Ron.
Priorities!

Veronica!
Come on!

Can you hear me? Yes, yes,
you're coming in loud and clear.

You're back
and you get this story.

This is gonna be huge.
Right.

So, is it good
to be back home?

Um, yeah, I feel good.

God, look at him. Like a beacon
in the night!

My golden goose.

All right, baby.

- So I'm just gonna be giving
you the details. Mmm-hmm.

Five, four,

three, two...

Good evening, America.
After some time off,

it's good to be back with you.
I'm Ron Burgundy.

We have a story tonight
involving an affair,

a cut-off penis,
a TV star and a car chase.

And throw it to the feed.

The only problem is...

What's he doing?
Ron, are you okay?

It's not news.
What?

Turn off the prompter.

Ron, this is Kench. What the hell
do you think you're doing, mate?

Just read what's
in front of you,

or I will ruin you! Don't!

Don't! You leave
Kench inside your head!

God damn it! He took
out his earpiece.

You see, folks, I've read
a lot of news in my day,

but it's...
It's taken me until now

to realize what real news is.

Real news is supposed
to let people know

what the powerful are up to, so that,
that power doesn't become corrupt.

But what happens when
the powerful own the news?

Ugh! You piece of shit!

Shit. He's blowing
the whole thing up.

Recently, I've been on a
bit of a personal journey.

I made love to a proud,
intelligent black woman.

I became blind.

I bottle-fed
and raised a shark.

And I smoked
a fair amount of crack.

But the most important thing
I've learned is that

there was an emptiness left

after turning my back on three of the
best friends anyone could ever ask for.

Hi, Ron!

So, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to see
my child's recital

and tell the woman I love
that I still love her.

Good night, America,
and never forget,

you deserve the truth.

Good. He's dead, done. Linda,

get the skirt in,
the blonde. Anyone!

He's coming back!

Oh, also, one other thing.

Koala Airlines
is a really shitty airline.

You son of a bitch!
You son of a bitch!

Guys, I'm sorry.

For a while there, I don't know
what became of Ron Burgundy.

Brick, I'm sorry
I yelled at you.

Brian, I...

No reason why I killed
that story of yours.

It was excellent reporting.

And, Champ, I'm sorry
I said no to all those

offers for late-night
deep-tissue rubdowns.

Ron,
you're a good man.

But you have fallen victim to
your own ego and your own hubris.

And before others
can forgive you,

you must learn
to forgive yourself.

What was that, Brick?

I'm wearing
two pairs of pants.

Thank you.

So that's it, huh?

You're sorry?

You know what, Burgundy?
Apologies are like assholes.

Everyone's got one

and everyone's got a shoebox full
of Polaroids of them under the bed.

Ron, we're a team.

We need you.

Let him go, Champ.

Ron!

Long live Ron Burgundy!

I'm Brick Tamland
for GNN News.

The itsy bitsy spider
went up the water spout.

You little hack!

Huh? Who the hell
do you think you are?

After everything
I've done for you,

this is how you repay me?
Well, I will crush you!

Once again, Mr. Burgundy,

you are the ballsiest
white man I've ever known.

What the hell?

One more
for old times' sake.

Thank you.

Is Dad going to come?

No, sweetheart,
Daddy has to work.

He's going to come.
I know it.

Taxi!

Taxi! Taxi!

Damn it!

It's so hard
for a proud Mexican

to get a taxi
in this city!

I need to see my son!

And now, to play an original composition
that he wrote for his father,

here is seven-year-old
Walter Burgundy.

I made a promise!
I made a promise to my son!

What the hell?

Well, hello, Ron.

You out for a jog?

Jack Lime!

Where's everyone going?

Please. I don't have
time to talk, okay?

I have to be somewhere.

Well, that's funny.
'Cause I got nowhere to be

because you pretty much
destroyed my career.

Do you realize
what it did to me,

by making me
call myself Jack Lame?

It was a living hell!

I'm telling you,
you have to let me go!

Oh, don't worry.
Four against one.

This will be over fast.

Maybe not so fast!

My news team. Thank God!

Ain't a day that will be
or has been

that we don't have
Ron Burgundy's back.

Not a problem. When I'm
done with these mutts,

I'm gonna wipe my shoes
on the curb.

Oh, yeah, Jack Lime?

When I'm done with you,

my mom's going to pick
me up and take me home.

Wait!

Here's a headline for you.

"Moronic Yank Wankerman

"Gets a Bloody Good Hiding
From News Reader

"From a Superior Country."

For we are
the BBC News Service.

No. Not now.

Fall back, fall back.

If y'all are
gonna get down,

then Wesley Jackson and
the MTV News crew want in.

What's MTV?

I think
it's a venereal disease.

The most requested
video of the day?

A new band called Burgundy's
Sucking Chest Wound.

It wouldn't be a battle
without Jill Janson.

And Wendy Van Peele
from Entertainment News.

Entertainment news
is an abomination!

Who are you wearing today?
Oh, look, it's your own blood!

Today's celebrity birthdays...
None.

Today's celebrity deaths...

All you dick-licks.

I like the way
they're put together.

I like fighting girls.

I like to
cunt punt cowboys.

You eat pussy?
You're gonna.

Hey!

There's not gonna be any
fight without Scott Riles

and the incredibly polite
Canadian News team.

What about the
French-speaking Quebec News?

The real voice of Canada!

Give it a rest, eh?

Give me a break!
They can't have news.

Nothing happens
in Canada!

We're gonna mop
the floor with you!

We're gonna put the boots to you!
Sorry. Sorry.

We're gonna gouge your eyes
out! And kick your head in!

Sorry!

I like your ginger ale!

Jeff Bullington, ESPN,
all sports.

Tonight's play of the day
is me,

extracting your spine
from your dead body.

Holy shit,
there's a lot of news!

It's true, the market
is becoming saturated.

Hey. The History Network wants in on this.
We're news, too.

Only news told much,
much later.

Wait a minute. Is that the ghost
of Stonewall Jackson with you?

Yes, it is.
And the mighty Minotaur.

I don't know
about this, man.

The Minotaur
isn't even history!

He's mythology!

Let's not downplay the fact

that that's the ghost
of Stonewall Jackson!

May the Lord anoint
this hallowed field of battle.

You guys got room in this
battle for an old war horse?

Mack Tannen!
What are you doing here?

You're too old for this.

Well, you see,
there's the thing.

When there's an early moon,

I almost feel
like a stallion again!

He's on our side,
right, Ron?

He's a were-hyena!

I'm-a call Michael Jackson.
I got a video idea.

All right, everyone,
listen up!

By virtue of being
on this battlefield,

there is no return.

People will die.

I'm so horny right now.

Some will be disfigured.

In some cases, lasting
friendships will be made.

And as usual,

no touching
of the hair and face.

Come on. What do we
look like, rookies?

Sorry.

When El Trousias,

maiden of the clouds,
blows the battle horn,

let the battle begin!

I am El Trousias!

Hear my siren song!

El Trousias...
The Juicies'. Hmm.

That means you can start.

Brick, what the hell is that?

It's a gun
from the future.

No fair! He's got
a gun from the future!

Where did you get it from?

In the name of the King,
the Queen and St. George.

Huzzah!

Guess you didn't see
that coming.

Twenty degrees right.

Fill that gap!

Fall upon your swords! Life
has no meaning!

There will be a mint julep
waiting on the other side, son.

Release your soul to me.

Sorry!

Sorry! Sorry!

Sex Panther
powers activate.

It's the ghost of
Stonewall Jackson!

Everyone, it's the ghost
of Stonewall Jackson!

Why do we have to fight?

There's so much
I could learn from you.

In the name
of Margaret Thatcher...

No! I sentence you to death!

Please, no!

Oh!

What in the name of Dan Issel?

Gary!

Yes, Ron.

You and I never got along.

But using the power
of my mind,

I was able to see
in the future

that you would do good.

- Now, go.
- I knew it!

Go to your son's recital.

I knew you had mind powers!

And make it the greatest
day of your life!

Almighty, Almighty,
light the fuse on my call.

Thirty-niner-niner-14,
cook these fools.

I repeat,
cook these fools.

We've got to get out of here.
There's too much news!

Man, what a rush!

The monster's my friend!

Ron, we can still
make your kid's recital!

Hey, Ronny.

Jack Lime, please, I just want
to get to my son's recital.

No! That is
out of the question!

We're outnumbered, Ron.

Foam the runway,
I'm coming in hot!

And then four guys
on bikes showed up.

Wes Mantooth and the
Channel Nine news team!

Hey, what the hell
are you guys doing here?

This is a national news fight.

You made one mistake today.

You messed with somebody
from San Diego.

It's actually
pronounced San Diago.

Hell, Ron and I
may not agree on everything,

but we share
the bond of being

from the greatest city
in the history of this Earth.

Well, ain't that cute?

But you're outnumbered
three-to-one.

Why don't you
go back to your mama?

Don't you use
my mom's name in vain.

Dorothy Mantooth was
a hard-working single woman

who raised
seven children on her own

and she remained sexually
active till the day she died.

She brought pole dancing
into the mainstream.

Now here's the thing.
While I've been talking,

my news team has emptied
their gas tanks at your feet.

I drop this smoke and
every one of you goes "poof."

Well, you forgot
one thing, leatherman.

You drop that smoke,
you die, too.

With the things
I've done in my life,

oh, I know I'm going
to burn in hell.

So I sure as shit ain't
afraid to burn here on Earth.

Oh, my goodness!

That's the most badass
thing I have ever heard.

All right!

Looks like
this fight's over.

Let's go, boys.

Yay! We won!
Let's celebrate!

Sparklers!

- No, no, no, no, Brick!
- No!

Bravo! Bravo.
Yeah. Whoo!

Dad!

Son, I fought
a Minotaur to be here.

And I'd do it again.

Dad! Together
we can defeat voodoo!

Ron had finally
learned how to love his son

and his wife
more than his career.

And as it turned out,
his walking off the news

was the highest-rated
TV event of the year.

He and his news team,
along with Veronica,

could have any job
they wanted.

But before that, they had one
little thing to take care of.

And now, before I join this
couple in holy matrimony,

Brick and Chani
ask us to join them

as they exchange their vows.

My dearest Brick.

Everything I have is yours.

My four lawnmowers.
My sister.

My 35 ferrets. My massive student
loan and real estate debt.

It's all yours.

Oh, Chani.

I will never forget
the exact moment I saw you.

My pee-pee got all uncomfortable
in my pants, and I thought,

"Here comes the warm milkshake out
of the tip of my belly stick."

Wait! Look!

Walter, Walter,
honey, shh!

Look in the water!

It's Doby!

Oh, my God.

It's Doby! Doby!

Ron, what are you doing?
He's not your friend!

Doby!

Ron! That's a shark!

He will eat you!

Doby!

Oh, my God!

The shark actually
recognizes him!

Nope. He's
viciously attacking him.

Doby! Doby, it's me! Ron!

If a man dies
with love in his heart,

does he truly die?

Absolutely!

But on this day,
Ron Burgundy's grapple

with this denizen
from the deep

was halted by 28 pounds
of furry providence.

I bottle-fed you!

Baxter!

Baxter!

Baxter! Ah, yes!

I know, I know,
I love you, too.

Oh. Come on.

All right, let's do it.

You guys think...

I don't know
how to use a computer.

Hey, fellas. I just saw
Jack Lime out there.

He's a goddamn iceman.

Scared the crap out of me.