Original subtitles

Today's top story, Mount St. Helene.

Oh, this is just a gimmick. It's a flash in the pan.

We better hope so.

Residents are being asked to evacuate the area...

Twenty-four hours of news.

How are they gonna keep coming up with this stuff?

My guess is they'll probably be scraping

the bottom of the barrel.

No, I have a feeling they'll stick with their integrity

and only report the news that needs to be reported.

Let's see here.

"Global temperatures rise half a degree,

"alarm climate scientists." Boring.

"China could dominate the world economy in the next decade."

Nope.

Anyone else?

What if we show a porno instead of the news?

Freddie?

No. Absolutely not.

I know. What if we get one of those wildlife handlers?

We have him bring in, oh, big game cats.

You know, wild, dangerous tigers and lions and leopards and the such.

We let them loose inside the studio with about a dozen chickens.

We play rock music. And we just call it Let Her Rip.

I'd watch that. I'd watch that.

Let Her Rip?

You're describing the end of civilization. That's not news!

If that's the end of times, I'm...

I got a front-row seat with a big tub of buttered popcorn

and a greasy half-live chicken leg.

Okay, so obviously this is a waste of time. I'm done.

Freddie! Come on!

We're just brainstorming here.

We're trying to figure out how to make the news less boring,

and you act like we peed in your milkshake.

The news is supposed to be boring, Ron!

This is serious stuff.

You're the one that made this stupid bet!

I just don't know why we have to tell the people

what they need to hear.

Why can't we just tell them what they want to hear?

Wait, wait, wait.

Say that again.

I said, why do we have to tell the people

what they need to hear?

Why can't we just tell them what they want to hear?

And what do they want to hear, Ron?

That we live in the greatest country God ever created.

Damn straight! Made him happy.

And we should do stories on patriots.

Cute, funny little animals, huh? Or diets.

Why blondes have more fun.

And serious investigative pieces,

about how much ejaculate is on hotel duvets.

And only the best sports highlights.

Home runs, slam dunks, touchdowns and no soccer.

I like the wind!

Brick's right. People love hurricanes.

Tornadoes, earthquakes, floods,

we'll throw Brick right in the middle of it.

You'd do that?

People'll go nuts. I'd watch that!

No, this goes against every rule

of broadcast journalism I know.

Freddie, as the wise man once said,

"So?"

We got 10 hours till we go on.

We'll only need eight!

Is that candy? I don't know.

It is candy.

I like you. I like you.

Tell me something about you.

Well, I'm 19 years old. My middle name is Courtney.

I can always guess how many jelly beans

are in a jelly bean jar,

even if it's not right.

What about you?

My name is Chani Lastname.

I'm a real go-getter and a person people.

I can type 50 words a minute with only 300 errors.

I'm trained and certified...

to fire a military-grade missile launcher.

Me, too.

Chani, I just got these phone messages from last week.

You mailed them to me?

How else was I gonna get them to you?

You hand them to me.

Oh.

You are the dumbest person I've met in my entire life,

and that's not an exaggeration.

That makes me feel bad.

Well, it's the truth, Chani.

You!

- Leave her alone! - Excuse me, sir.

Get your filthy hands off of her!

Help, help!

Excuse me, sir!

Leave me alone, lady! Excuse me!

She is a goddess among women!

Glen!

My phone messages!

Leave him alone!

Not today!

She has butterflies in her heart!

Chani! I can see you behind that desk, and you're fired!

Why?

Are you okay?

You saved my life.

She was trying to set me on fire.

I didn't ask for these powers.

I was given them.

Last night

a bird chased me,

and I wished it was you.

Can we go to a date?

Yes.

Dear God, please help me pull this off.

I swear, if you help me, I will...

I will become a monk.

I will shave my head and become a monk...

Ah, who are we kidding? I'm not going to do that.

Oh, did you hear?

Evan said there's some strange copy in the prompter.

It's 2:00 a.m.

It's Freddie Shapp's ass, not mine. Let's go.

People who change history

are rarely aware of it while doing so.

Ron and his news team simply thought

they were making the news more fun.

Little did they know they were changing

the course of broadcast history forever.

Hello, America. It's 2:00 a.m. Eastern time.

I'm Ron Burgundy, and tonight's top story is

America.

She's the greatest country in the world.

Heck, the history of the world!

You're damn right!

Too much of the news is about what's wrong with America.

Amen, brother!

Well, tonight, our top story is what's right with America.

Someone's finally talking sense on the TV.

For starters, we kick butt.

Nazi butt. Russian butt.

What the hell is he doing?

He's talking about America.

Why, do you have a problem with that?

Tonight I begin part one of my 11-part series

on the power and mystery of the human vagina.

This series will be a tasteful look

at just what makes a vagina tick,

as well as a look at the 50 greatest vaginae

of the 20th century.

Son of a bitch!

One final question, and I'll let you go.

Who tops the list of the top 50 greatest vaginae?

Well, I don't want to give anything away.

I thought I had you.

I will give you number two.

Please. Madame Curie.

Of course. Of course.

Whammy! Whammy!

Whammy! Whammy! Whammy!

Whammy!

Whammy!

Back to you, Ron.

The wind is really windy.

Brick? Brick, can you hear me?

I can't hear you, Ron!

Okay, but you're answering the question,

so I think you can hear me.

No, I can!

Brick, do you think there is any danger

to the average person out there?

I'm afraid for the animals of New York, Ron.

I saw a woman, and her dog never touched the ground.

You're saying wind gusts as fast as a supersonic jet?

It looked like she was walking a dog balloon.

And go... Switch.

And for our eighth and final animal story of the night,

it looks like residents of North Yulk, Montana,

have found the cutest little patriot

on God's green earth.

Look at that little guy!

Oh, wow, he was having some fun.

Well, for all of us here at GNN,

I'm Ron Burgundy.

And don't just have a great night,

have an American night.

And we're out!

Wow!

I couldn't take my eyes

off the screen! Yes.

You were electric, Ron! Whammy!

That just felt right! That felt right!

I was outside!

You sure were, Brick. Wonderful job.

Amazing. Great job.

What the hell was that? What the hell was that?

Hey, hey, hey. Take it easy, Linda.

We were just trying something new.

You changed the format of the entire show

without consulting me? That's unacceptable!

Damn straight, sister.

We just done went and brought it!

And here's the truth. You can't handle it, little mama!

Get out! You are all terminated immediately.

If you were a man, I'd knock you out.

Oh. Oh, really? Well, go ahead!

Take a swing! Take your best shot!

I have five brothers,

and two of them are defensive backs in the NFL, so come on!

You want me to do it? Yeah.

This thing's not gonna feel good.

Do it, Ron. Just do it.

Are you scared? What's the problem?

Is he a chicken? Are you a chicken?

I'm not a chicken at all.

I'm going to make that mustache of yours all bloody.

Well...

Seems like you're buying time, Ron.

I'm not buying time.

Ron! Just do what men have been doing

for thousands of years, and punch the woman.

Punch her! You're stalling.

Punch the woman!

Here comes the Toledo Express. All aboard!

Ron! No!

I didn't do it!

Mama, your baby's hurt.

Your baby.

What is that sound you're making? Good Lord!

You sound like a balloon.

Pull yourself together, man.

Security!

They saw my pee-pee.

The eighth grade boys saw my pee-pee!

Did you say they saw your pee-pee?

In the locker room, they saw my pee-pee.

You just knocked him back into fifth grade.

Get him out of here!

Bugger me with a didgeridoo.

We knew we'd struggle to start,

but these ratings are lower than I'd even imagined.

Thank God for the 2:00 a.m. spike.

It really saved our whole launch.

Spike? What are you talking about?

What spike?

Burgundy. Who's Ron Burgundy?

No, no, no, this can't be right.

His team start at a .2,

and then they finish at a 5.6?

That's unbelievable! They tripled Jack Lime's numbers!

How is that even possible? Who are these guys?

They're a local team out of San Diego.

You little beauty!

Well, they no longer work for us.

I fired them.

Well, guys, it goes without saying

I owe you gentlemen an apology.

I dragged you out here and this thing

was a disaster from the word "go."

No, Ron, don't you beat yourself up.

Yeah, it's all right, Ron.

Gin.

Brian, any idea what you might do next?

Gonna head back to L.A.

I got a good group of buddies out there.

O.J. Simpson. Phil Spector. Robert Blake.

Sounds like a fun crew.

We go out cruising chicks.

Call ourselves the "Ladykillers."

I love that name. You should get it on the back of matching jackets.

That's not a bad idea.

Uh, guys?

Hey.

I got some news.

Freddie, we don't exactly want to hear

- the word "news" right now. - Yeah.

You're right. Forget it. Forget I was even here.

Forget that GNN wants you back.

For a prime time slot and a raise in pay.

Quit yanking our penises, Freddie! What's the deal?

Yeah! Quit yanking our anuses.

No. I'm not yanking your...

Your ratings went through the roof.

People love what you did.

You're a success!

Get it? You're a great, big, fat success!

By the bed pan of Gene Rayburn!

It's total crap

and they can't stop watching!

The news team had been famous in San Diego,

but that was small time compared to New York.

This fame was a rocket ship.

A rocket ship that had free drinks

and topless stewardesses.

That'll do it for all of us here at GNN.

Thank God for the events, thank me for the news.

I'm Jack...

Lame.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

More graphics, all right?

But there's already a lot.

Hey, you heard the man. More graphics.

Let a citizen ask a question here, for God's sake!

Can Father Ron please shut his mouth for half a second?

This is against everything

that I have worked for my entire life.

Oh, honey, come on.

If you're like me, you need an underwear

that fits your active lifestyle.

At finer specialty and department stores.

I'm weatherman Brick Tamland, and I like butter.

Butter is nutritious and it tastes great.

Butter!

There's something new on the New York social scene.

It's fun, relatively benign and costs about as much

as a soda pop at the local drugstore.

Here's Brian Fantana

on why everyone who is someone

is lighting up to smoke crack.

Now, Brian, I understand we have some crack

and we're going to smoke it right here in the studio.

I don't know if we can get a shot of that.

What is that? Did you know they were gonna have that?

No.

Now, what you're gonna do is, you're gonna put your rock in the pipe.

Is that where the phrase "Put it in your pipe and smoke it" comes from?

I don't care.

I love it when you do cooking segments. Mmm.

Oh! Oh, whoa!

You feel that right away.

Wow, that's good. That's good. That's an immediate state of euphoria.

You'll be surprised. The effect, it happens very... Ohh!

It's just refreshing.

They're actually enjoying it.

Of course they're enjoying it. It's crack.

Well, now we know, guys,

you can't smoke crack on live television.

Hey, gang.

You know what would make this great day even better?

What?

Perms for everyone!

Yay!

Please come in and shut the door.

If this is about sweeps, um,

I think Brian Fantana found an outstanding story.

It's about airplane parts

that are falling off of airplanes out of the sky

and hitting the ground, people.

We're calling it "Death From Above." We might do some...

You. Come here.

I've been watching you.

You have?

I've been watching you a lot.

And you just do whatever you want.

Well, I'm a bit of a maverick, I guess.

You don't follow the format.

You pretty much walk around like...

Like you're king of the world.

I'm just a worker bee. That's all I am.

You know what? What?

Oh!

I find it hot as shit!

Are you going to hurt me?

Here's the thing, Mr. Burgundy.

You're a shooting star and I want to go for a ride.

God, I'm so afraid right now.

Now, I want to hear you meow like a cat.

Now, I want you to bark like a dog.

Bark. Bark. Bark!

Like a puppy. Like a puppy.

Yeah. Come on! Do it!

Mmm.

Aw.

Don't cry.

It's sexual and yet frightening.

It's an odd mixture.

Um, come in.

Uh, Linda.

Excuse me, Linda.

Ron, Jack wants to know

if he can go back to calling himself Jack Lime

instead of Jack Lame.

He's really struggling with it.

No. Can't. It's a bet.

Oh, Jesus!

If you want to change it, you can.

Like what?

Art Areola.

No! No, that's worse! You know it's worse!

How about this one? You can call yourself Dick Fuck.

Spell it P-H-U-C.

You'll be huge in the Vietnamese community.

Freddie, I can't.

Listen to me, Burgundy. This is far from over, do you hear me?

I'll see you on the playground.

Well.

This, uh,

meeting has been

very productive.

You can pick me up at 8:00.

Okay, I'm very confused by what's going on here.

Get out!

Oh, Ron. Ron, you are missing some real high-quality

Garfield laughs over here!

I think our boss just raped me.

What?

I don't know what happened. All a bit of a blur.

There was hands

and hair, and breath, and lips.

There might have been other people, I don't know.

Sounds like she wants you.

Hey, man. Women have been all over me

since we got crazy famous.

Not to brag or anything,

but I just gave Florence Henderson crabs.

That is in no way a brag, Brian. That's horrible.

Hey, it's just doing something beautiful, that two people do.

Except one of them has microscopic dust mites

- all over his penis and testicles. - I'm just saying,

the mom of The Brady Bunch had a fun time with you,

and then woke up the next day and realized she had crabs.

I gave her a whole Brady Bunch of crabs.

Sounds to me like it's her fault

for being a randy gal.

I have a date!

Brick has a date?

Good for Brick!

What's a date?

A date is simply when two people get together,

do something social, have a few drinks,

yadda-yadda-yadda...

Take their shirts off...

- Oh, it's okay. - No, it's a fun thing.

It's fun. It's all right.

Look. Don't worry, Brick, we got your back, okay?

First things first, we need to get you a little protection.

Oh!

There it is.

Brian Fantana's glorious cabinet of condoms.

Oh, Brian, I know. How about The Hooded Guest?

I like the cut of your jib.

That one is ultra-ribbed.

It's like you're wearing an armadillo shell on your privates.

It takes two hours to get on.

It's hooded. She'll never see you coming.

Oh, oh. Wait, wait, wait.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

"Lou Dobin's Good Time Weiner Pouch."

That's a good one.

Dobin. Just a drifter who loves to watch people have sex.

They're made of denim,

so they look better after each washing.

Talk about a great ride.

I think I have it.

Po' Boy Condom.

It's a terrific condom.

Although it does burn a bit because it's covered in Cajun spices.

It'll put a blister on your po' boy.

Brian, what's the nickname for your penis whenever you wear a Po' Boy?

Fat Tuesday.

Wait a minute. I've got it.

"The Rigid Ghost." Mmm.

Ah, it's the best damn rubber on the market.

Hah, I got four of my seven illegitimate children using this condom.

Uh, but, Brian, isn't that the whole point of wearing a condom?

To not impregnate the woman?

Well, you know the old expression. "Nope."

Thank you, Ron, and happy St. Patrick's Day

to all of our Native American friends.

On the big map...

Where's my map?

There's no map, it's just green.

No, there's a map there. Look at the monitor.

Right. Oh.

Ron, where's my legs?

Where are my legs? Your legs are there.

I don't have any legs, Ron.

I don't even know how I'm standing up.

Brick, your legs are fine.

The color of your pants just matches...

Ron, I don't have any legs!

The Chroma-Key behind you.

Ninety-three?

Ninety-three?

Relax.

And after I received my Masters in Journalism from Columbia,

I got a job with the London bureau for ABC News.

Wow, London.

You're so impressive, and I've...

I've only been out of the United States twice.

A handful of times in Mexico, and then

the second time I left the country,

we went to Salem, Oregon.

Mr. Burgundy, are you nervous?

God, yes.

Did I scare you by coming on so strong?

A little bit, sure.

Look, it's not that you're not attractive... Mmm-hmm?

It's just I'm a little old-fashioned.

Well, I am a modern woman. Mmm.

And let me tell you,

when I see something that I want, I go for it.

Can I ask you a question?

Mmm-hmm.

Is that your foot between my legs?

No.

Oh. I'm sorry.

It was my hand.

So...

We're going to do this, aren't we?

We most definitely are gonna do this.

I feel a little awkward, because I'm...

I'm about to have sex with a black lady!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry.

Mmm. That's not the way I like to handle my business.

When I get nervous, I sometimes lose control

of the volume of my voice.

Well, I don't mind,

because I am going to have you tonight.

Then let's leave

and go have interracial sex!

Sorry.

This is the nicest soda machine

anyone's ever taken me to.

The beauty of this soda machine pales

in comparison to your beauty.

Can I ask you a personal question?

I'm not sure what that is, but yes.

Have you ever kissed anyone?

Do faces on the TV screen

and Planet of the Apes action figures count?

Of course.

Then, yes. I have kissed Angie Dickinson and Dr. Zaius.

I've only kissed people in my dreams.

So, I've only kissed a tiny dragon

and a woman with her hair on fire.

I don't have a lot of experience with kissing,

but I do know one thing...

Always get your teeth involved.

I think I'm ready to maybe try that kiss thing now.

Hello, Ms. Jackson.

I didn't mean to scare you.

Mr. Allenby, I wasn't expecting you to...

Yeah, no, I know. Neither was I.

But then I heard about this little story

that Ron Burgundy and Brian Fantana are running.

You see, some of the planes from my airline

have had parts falling off them lately.

Is it a problem? Yeah.

Is it being fixed? I don't know, probably.

But if that story runs, then Koala stock will plummet.

We can't just pull the story. That would be unethical.

We own the news. We can do whatever we want.

That's one of the perks.

It's called "synergy." One company working with another.

To synergy.

You seem a little quiet, I must say.

Just so you know, I'm absolutely fine

with going to this family dinner.

They're going to love you.

Mmm. This is delicious!

So...

How long have you and Linda been dating?

Mother.

Oh.

No, it's all right. It's a logical question.

Um...

Ours is a new love, but it burns very brightly.

And it gets hot and sweaty and stanky.

There's some stank on that love.

What... What are you talking about?

Let's put it this way, I be busting nuts like a squirrel.

Oh, now, we don't have conversations like that over dinner.

What are you doing?

I'm addressing the white elephant in the room.

I'm breaking down the barriers

of race by assimilation.

That's all I'm doing. Well, you're coming off like a jerk.

I think it's going well.

If you haven't noticed,

we don't converse like that.

Okay, okay.

Look at big papa down here.

He's saying to himself, "Shit! Look at this honky.

"Sittin' at my table, eatin' my food. In my house? Touching my daughter?"

I have.

- I have touched your daughter. - Honey!

We have done things, Papa.

You ain't gonna like. You ain't gonna like it none!

Oh, my goodness!

I mean, I'm just a guy from Terre Haute, Indiana

with a big ol' dick and a fat wallet and a spleef the size of a baby arm.

Just looking for someone who wants to smoke it.

Let's get some smoke going in this place, right?

This ain't no Super Fly. What is your problem, man?

Linda, I don't understand what you are doing with him.

Oh, you know what I'm comin' at you with,

you big black mother of Linda. Mix it up in a pot!

Makin' it spicy! Oh, my Lord.

Hey. In the back, cooking up chitlins.

Big ol' titties. Big ol' titties.

Excuse me?

- That's my mama, man. - Hey.

Wave your hands in the air.

Wave your hands in the air like you just don't care.

Please, don't do this.

Now, which one of you pipe-hittin' bitches

can pass me the mashed potatoes?

Oh, I don't think that dinner could've gone any better.

Are you nuts?

No, I'm not! I had a wonderful evening!

My dad was kicking you in the head!

I thought it was like being jumped into a gang.

Only with dinner guests!

You called my family "pipe-hittin' bitches!"

I hate to pin it on you, but

you did invite me to dinner.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry. I just...

I'm just under a lot of stress because...

Because Allenby, he doesn't want you to do

the story that you're doing for sweeps.

"Death From Above."

It's an excellent story. Wonderful expose.

Listen, Ron.

Have you ever heard of synergy?

So your mom thought we should get together,

spend a little time.

She doesn't think I connect with you as a child.

Can you believe that bullshit?

Oh! This is hard.

Things you say to a 6-year-old...

Oh! Guess what? I slept with a black woman.

What? Nothing.

Dad, do you like Spider-Man?

Nope. Don't care for him. Never have.

Don't like the mask, the costume, the get-up, the webs. Uh-uh.

He comes off like a real dickhead. Real poser.

What's a poser?

A poser is Gary. That's what a poser is.

By the way, how is that shitheel?

What's a shitheel?

A shitheel is a real fun term

that you should call Gary every time you see him.

When he wakes you up for breakfast, say, "Good morning, shitheel."

He'll probably give you $5 or some candy.

Does that sound good? Yeah.

You're a shitheel, Dad.

Good.

You should just call Gary that. 'Cause it makes him really happy.

It makes me sort of happy, but it makes him really happy.

Dad. Huh?

Sometimes I hear sounds at night

and I get scared.

I think there's a ghost in my closet.

Now, you listen to me, son.

There is no such thing as ghosts. Case closed.

So what's real that's scary?

You really want to know

the one thing you should be afraid of?

Yes, I really do.

Voodoo. Voodoo?

Yes, voodoo.

That shit will mess you up.

And it is 100% real.

Promise me

that you'll never go to Haiti.

I promise, Dad.

This was good. I enjoyed spending time with you.

Me, too, Dad.

Oh, and hey. Do you want to go to Haiti sometime?

No. Good. Good.

What did you tell him?

I didn't tell him anything.

He hasn't slept for four days, Ron!

Everywhere we go, he asks me if we're going to Haiti!

What does that even mean?

I am so sick and tired that you've sheltered him

from the evils of voodoo.

You need to learn to connect with him in a healthy way!

Let me ask you something, and I'm not trying to be funny here.

Are you sure he's not a midget with a learning disability?

He is seven years old, Ron.

All right. Now listen to me.

He has a science fair tomorrow, at 8:00,

and he wants you to be there.

I will be there. All right?

Now, who do you have for sweeps week?

I'm not discussing work with you, Ron, okay?

Just be there at the science fair tomorrow.

Fine!

Well, they're calling it the interview of the decade.

Veronica Corningstone will sit down with Yasser Arafat.

Yasser who?

The head of the PLO and some say

the key to peace in the Middle East.

Of course, Ms. Corningstone is the ex-wife of Ron Burgundy,

so you know that's got to be a little stinger for Ronny.

Tony Danza's scrotum!

Well, that'll do it for all of us here at GNN.

Thank God for the events, thank me for the news.

I'm Dick Phuc.

We're going to get crushed in ratings. Just crushed.

I really thought we had a chance this time.

What about my "Death From Above" story?

You better ask Ron about that.

We're pulling that story, Brian.

What? Why? I worked hard on that story.

It was my call, all right, Brian?

Just let it go. It's synergy.

What does that mean?

Take it easy, Ron.

We got further than anybody thought we would. We'll get 'em next time.

You take it easy!

I'm not in this to finish second!

I think Champ is just saying...

I know what he was trying to say, Brian, okay?

And it doesn't surprise me that you guys don't care.

Let's face it, I'm the one who gets the ratings.

I'm starting to wonder what you clowns actually do.

Chani likes clowns. Except for the scary ones.

Shut up, Brick!

Just shut up for once!

Ron

yelled at me.

You're damn right I yelled at you!

You don't yell at Brick.

Are you still smoking crack?

No.

I only smoked crack that one time.

That's a lie. I've done it six more times.

You made Brick cry.

You've gone ratings crazy, Ron.

But seriously, do you have any more of that crack left?

You know what, Ron?

We're a news team, and that's a bond for life.

But I don't like the man you've become.

You know, we were happy when you found us.

Right?

I was taking pictures of pussies,

Champ was serving bats to people, and Brick was dead.

We took a gamble. Took a gamble to follow you here.

But I'm starting to realize, this was all about you,

and beating Veronica at all costs.

Had nothing to do with the news, nothing to do with the team.

Brian, don't.

You know, I might not be the smartest guy,

but I know a thing or two about a thing or two.

I know that if you're pleasuring a woman down south,

you use your tongue to spell out the alphabet.

Around the bubble. Around her bubble.

The vulva! The Volvo.

I know that "synergy" is a completely made-up word.

I know that washing your hands is for nerds.

Especially if you don't mind pinkeye.

And I know that, no matter what, you always stand by your friends.

You'll have to excuse me, Brian.

I've got a sore back

from carrying your ass around for the last 15 years.

You know what, Burgundy?

I think your mouth is writing checks that your body isn't...

Can't even... Do anything with.

Fine, go! I don't need you!

I'll do the news by myself!

Tonight I interview Yasser Arafat,

This is terrible. The secretive head of the PLO.

We're on in 20, Ron. 20. All right.

You ready?

What's that? Huh?

Oh, that's nothing. It's just a car chase

on the satellite feed from Milwaukee.

You know what?

Give it to me live to start the broadcast.

No. That's not news, Ron.

Give it to me live, okay?

And don't question me again.

Bill!

Now to you, the modern viewer,

Here we go. Reporting on a car chase may seem commonplace,

3, 2... but in 1980, it was unheard of.

Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy,

reporting live from New York.

We have breaking news developing in our nation's heartland.

A high-speed car chase is in progress...

Keep the "Breaking News" logo. Keep up the graphics.

Reaching speeds of 100 miles per hour.

And for the first time in news history,

we will stay with it live

until it resolves in either a huge accident

- or a massive shootout. - Richard!

Hurry. Get in here! There's a car chase on the news!

When is Dad gonna be here?

He'll be here.

Are you a little upset?

Do you want to do that thing where we

sort of talk about our feelings?

Oh, God, no. Okay.

This is the pulse of what's going on

in our country right now.

Freddie, what's going on?

Why is there a local car chase on the TV?

It's Burgundy. He insisted!

Can't you see what the son of a bitch is doing?

We didn't have a story, so he made one.

You can't do that!

Tell Ron to speculate who's driving the car.

Ron, speculate on who's driving the car.

Uh, we believe the driver may be on drugs.

He's probably 6'7 ", 6'8".

But a skinny 6'7 ", 6'8". About 160.

He may have a hostage or two.

Uh, we don't know. He could have...

The phone lines are lighting up. It's about the chase!

I've never seen anything like it!

Mr. Arafat, is there any

scenario by which peace could be reached with Israel?

Peace is what burns in my heart. I am committed to...

What was... Excuse me.

What happened to the...

The network cut to another developing story.

Some kind of crazy car chase.

Who covers a car chase?

I am sitting here with the most important interview of my entire career,

and they're cutting to a car chase?

I would like to watch the car chase.

You need to shut your mouth.

This is extremely gripping.

Oh! Oh! He just hit a car! He just hit a car!

He hit a car! Did you see that?

- He hit a car! - Wow!

He hit the car! He hit the car!

When did the news get awesome?

And he just loses it! Wow!

That's exactly what we needed.

It was getting a little boring...

Hey. You did a great job.

Thanks, Gary.

I don't think your dad's coming.

I'm sorry, honey, but I think we need to go.

Stop reading my mind!

All right.

I mean, this is what I worry about.

Did you do that with your mind?

No.

Liar.

We're just getting word that police have finally apprehended the suspect.

It turns out that he is an elderly gentleman,

he's 80 years old,

and he was simply confused. Unbelievable.

I'm Ron Burgundy.

Don't just have a great night, have an American night.

And we are clear!

Yes!

Great!

All right!

I don't believe it! You did it, Ron!

Oh, my goodness. Thanks, Freddie.

I don't deserve this.

It was a team effort. It really was.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

we all know there's one reason

that GNN has gotten to the top.

And that reason is the greatest bloody newsman in the world.

Long may he reign!

Mr. Ron Burgundy!

Yeah, Ron! Yeah!

Fire it up, Ronny!

Let's blaze.

Yeah. To hell with Ron Burgundy.

We did it, my onyx hellion.

You're magic!

Ron, you should see what you're doing!

In the myth of Icarus,

Icarus, full of the folly that comes with pride,

flew too high

and the sun melted his wings.

Burgundy's fame was bigger than he ever imagined.

And the fall was dizzying.

Oh, my God, Ronny!

Ron!

Will somebody call an ambulance?

Do not die in front of us!

Do not die in front of us!

Stay classy, Ron Burgundy.

Somebody call an ambulance!

Damn it, Milton, what is it?

Well, Ron...

I, um...

It looks as if both optic nerves

are separated from their respective corneas.

What? No other way to put this, but...

You're blind.

Milton, I'm an anchorman.

I read the news off the teleprompter. It's what I do!

How will I live?

I'm no career counselor,

but there are many things you can do.

Be an oracle, or a mystic.

Clearly, there must be something

in this new-fangled office of yours that can help me!

Settle down. There's got to be something in here!

Settle down!

Zombies! Zombies!

Ahh!

If you get my hands on me, I'll kill you.

The world of the blind.

Ron Burgundy, a man who had

flourished in a visual medium,

had forever entered this realm of darkness.

Who is it?

Ron, it's us!

I'm sure you gentlemen

are famished from your travels.

I hope you like Triscuits and some pimento loaf.

Still hot off the griddle!

There we go.

Well, everyone at the station really misses you, Ron.

Jack Lime's been filling in for you since you've been gone.

You know, he's really not such a bad guy after all.

Ha-ha.

He goes by Jack Lame now.

Well, he shouldn't be doing that.

He should be going by Jack Lame.

Brick!

Brick.

That's checkers and caulk. Don't eat that.

What about Linda? She hasn't called.

Linda's pretty busy.

Ron, I'm going to need your recipe.

So, Ron, what do you do with yourself all day?

You're just out here pretty much away from everything.

Well, every day begins about the same.

I wake up screaming in terror

because of the blackness and I think I'm dead.

Every day?

Yes! Every day!

And then I begin what's called The Great Adventure.

Making breakfast.

I've eaten everything from nails to drink coasters.

One time I bit hard into a marble ashtray,

thinking it was a savory waffle.

I wanted that waffle so bad! Completely shattered my teeth.

Couldn't you tell the ashtray wasn't hot like a waffle?

No! I couldn't! Because I'm blind!

I'm not blind 23 hours a day or 22 hours a day,

I'm blind the whole goddamn time!

Do you have any idea what it's like

to drink a half a bottle of ketchup

thinking it was a bottle of 1946 Chateauneuf-Du-Pape?

I even decanted it!

If you drank half a bottle of that, that's like...

That's like nine or ten gulps.

I mean, you couldn't tell that was ketchup?

Did I stutter?

I'm ba-lind!

You're having a tough time, Ron, I know.

You know what the biggest indignity is?

I can't even masturbate!

Why?

Heck, one morning, I spent 20 minutes

aggressively rubbing my shin, wondering, "Where's the sensation?

"Where's the pleasure coming?"

You rubbed your shin thinking it was a penis?

I know you think I'm stupid, don't you?

- No! - The weirdo

who lives in the weird lighthouse

in the middle of nowhere.

Ron, it was your choice to live in a "weird lighthouse."

You know why I live here?

Let me say it real slow and real loud.

I'm

bl-i-i-i-i-nd!

I guess we should get out of here.

Maybe you should go. Yes.

Why don't you guys get out of here!

Despite my complete and utter isolation,

your gentlemen's visit has actually made it worse!

Goodbye, Ron.

What?

No, don't go!

Please! Wait! I'm all alone! Come back!

Wait! Come back!

Come back!

I'm alone!

Why have you done this to me, God? Why?

Couldn't you have cured a sick child or created a new animal?

But, no, you had to make Ron Burgundy blind!

Well, I never thought that I would see

the Ron Burgundy full of so much self-pity.

Who is it? What is that noise?

Take my hand.

I can't see it!

Reach for it, Ron!

You have to learn to do for yourself now.

All right. This... Okay. Here we go.

Get up. There we go.

Cher, is that you?

You can't recognize me by my voice?

Jan-Michael Vincent?

Really?

Every news station is copying what you did, Ron.

All the stories are about animals, or car chases or strip clubs.

The genie has been let out of the bottle,

and old Ron Burgundy popped the cork.

That's why I quit WBC News.

What? There's no real news being reported out there.

It's just all about ratings.

Veronica.

Why are you here?

I'm here for our son, Ron.

Walter needs you.

I need you to start taking responsibility

for him and for yourself.

Do you realize you're talking to a man

who just this morning tried to brush his teeth

with a live lobster?

What?

You would've known the second that you touched it...

I'm just saying it's not going to be a cakewalk.

Well, then we best get to it.

Now, drink your tea.

Oh!

Let me get a sponge. I'll get it.

All right. No, no, just stay there.

I'll have it cleaned up in a jiffy.

Let's try this again.

Did you throw it? Yes, I threw it.

Just remember the curves.

The curves.

The green eyes. Green eyes.

You have to use your other senses now!

I can't do it!

Baxter found something on the beach!

Ron, be careful!

It's okay!

Walter, what is it? It's some kind of fish!

Oh, my goodness!

If he stays tangled in this net,

he's not going to survive.

Walter, sweetheart, it's a shark.

Son,

don't you worry, we won't let this fellow die.

We'll do it together, Dad.

That should keep him in there until he's strong enough

to swim out to the deep ocean.

Can I name him?

Of course you can, son.

What about Crackers?

Give me a goddamned break.

Seriously, you've got one of the most vicious predators in the ocean,

you're gonna name him "Crackers"?

In the future when you say I can name something, don't be a dick about it.

Why don't we do this? Let's name him Doby.

You talk all that smack and that's the best name you come up with?

Well, we're not gonna get any better than that.

I mean, you obviously can't name him anything that sounds good.

How about we forget about this whole name thing and you go straight to hell?

Well, I don't know what to do.

We might as well poison the water and let him die.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's just go with Doby.

Fine, then it's settled. It's Doby.

We'll call him Doby even though no one likes it.

All right, I can live with that.

Don't worry, Baxter. We won't feed him your dog food.

Even though Ron Burgundy had lost his sight,

he had never seen so clearly.

You did it!

And with every inch Doby grew, so did Ron's heart.

It's just a bunch of crazy lines, isn't it?

No. It's beautiful.

It's beautiful.

What about Gary?

We split up two weeks ago.

He was too emotionally stable. It was so annoying!

And so, just like the passing of the seasons,

it came time for Doby to return

to the deep waters he was meant to call home.

I hear his tail splashing!

He's actually swimming away!

Is he looking back for us over his shoulder?

Sharks don't have shoulders, Ron.

No, he just swam away,

and he's instantly looking for fish to eat.

He was my best friend.

Promise you'll always be there for me, Dad?

I promise.

If I say I'll be there for you,

there's nothing on God's earth that will stop me.

I love you, Dad.

Let's get back up to the lighthouse, all right?

Come on. Okay.

Let's go.

I hope you eat lots of fish and people, Doby.

Oh, there you are.

I found the most beautiful clams down by the estuary.

I thought we could steam them up tonight

with a nice butter sauce

and some wine.

Veronica.

Yes, Ron?

Can you explain this?

Ron, this is Dr. Brangley. I've left dozens of messages.

Somehow, they must be getting erased.

But there is a procedure

that can possibly return your sight.

Please get back to me if you're interested.

Well? Have you been erasing these messages?

Yes. Ron, just let me explain.

How could you?

We've never been this happy and I just thought that...

Thought that if I could see again,

that somehow I couldn't love you and Walter anymore?

Yes!

Damn you, woman!

You lied to me!

I gave you everything!

I gave you my heart,

my smile,

my seed.

And you lied to me.

Dad! Sweetheart.

No! Dad!

Don't leave, Dad!

Dad! Walter, just...

Sweetheart, we have to let him go.

He needs to go free.

Just like Doby.

He'll be back. He promised.

Could you please call me a damn cab? I'm blind!

Of course!

Ron, the operation was a success.

But we won't know for sure until we remove the bandages.

Well?

Yes.

I can see.

Oh, God, oh, God. It's Ron Burgundy, everyone!

You are my inspiration.

Oh, well, thank you.

Welcome back, Ron.

Thanks. Thanks, Bri-man.

Good luck in Vietnam.

Brick.

Brick and I are having a baby!

We're gonna name him Tortilla Jackson.

All right. I'm 22 months pregnant.

Well, get over here, you bastard.

Got you a drink, Ron. Come on.

Uh, hold on to that drink. I just want to grab some air.

How you doing there?

Oh.

I'm fine. Just, uh...

Just a lot of people in there.

Listen, Ron, I'm sorry that I never called or visited.

There's no need to explain.

But, listen, I mean, you're back.

Hello, Ron.

What are you doing here?

I had to come tell you something very important.

You must be Linda Jackson.

You must be Veronica.

Yes, I am. It's a pleasure.

This is a touching moment for me.

Please, don't take this the wrong way,

but if you touch Ron again,

I will shoot you in the cooch with a B.B. gun.

Oh! Well, you can talk big all you want,

but guess what, this kitten's got claws, bitch.

Don't mess with me, Linda,

because this "White Thunder" rolls deep and it rolls nasty.

I was feeling a little bit down,

but this is definitely picking up my mood.

Well, I guess I'll leave you two alone.

And it's been an absolute pleasure, Ms. Corningstone.

This has been great.

Do you guys want to kiss real quick?

Ron. Read the room.

I'll take that as a no.

Bye, Linda.

I know why you haven't been returning my messages.

I wasn't calling for me, I was calling because Walter has a piano recital

in half an hour at the Tishman School on 65th Street.

And he wrote a piece for you, Ron.

Aw, Walter.

It would mean the absolute world to him to have you there.

Ron, I just got a call from the control room! Oh, big fan.

Actress Sheila Blackledge, the mom from the hit sitcom

Four's a Family, Five's a Crowd,

she just found out her husband cheated on her

and she severed his penis while he slept!

Oh, my goodness.

The police arrived. She fled in her white Bronco,

and now they're engaged in a high-speed car chase!

We've got an exclusive on the live feed,

but we've got to go, right now!

Ron, this can be your comeback.

Veronica, I... No, Ron. No.

That will get sky-high ratings.

Walter will understand. Walter will understand.

Go.

Come on, Ron. Priorities!

Veronica! Come on!

Can you hear me? Yes, yes, you're coming in loud and clear.

You're back and you get this story.

This is gonna be huge. Right.

So, is it good to be back home?

Um, yeah, I feel good.

God, look at him. Like a beacon in the night!

My golden goose.

All right, baby.

- So I'm just gonna be giving you the details. Mmm-hmm.

Five, four,

three, two...

Good evening, America. After some time off,

it's good to be back with you. I'm Ron Burgundy.

We have a story tonight involving an affair,

a cut-off penis, a TV star and a car chase.

And throw it to the feed.

The only problem is...

What's he doing? Ron, are you okay?

It's not news. What?

Turn off the prompter.

Ron, this is Kench. What the hell do you think you're doing, mate?

Just read what's in front of you,

or I will ruin you! Don't!

Don't! You leave Kench inside your head!

God damn it! He took out his earpiece.

You see, folks, I've read a lot of news in my day,

but it's... It's taken me until now

to realize what real news is.

Real news is supposed to let people know

what the powerful are up to, so that, that power doesn't become corrupt.

But what happens when the powerful own the news?

Ugh! You piece of shit!

Shit. He's blowing the whole thing up.

Recently, I've been on a bit of a personal journey.

I made love to a proud, intelligent black woman.

I became blind.

I bottle-fed and raised a shark.

And I smoked a fair amount of crack.

But the most important thing I've learned is that

there was an emptiness left

after turning my back on three of the best friends anyone could ever ask for.

Hi, Ron!

So, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to see my child's recital

and tell the woman I love that I still love her.

Good night, America, and never forget,

you deserve the truth.

Good. He's dead, done. Linda,

get the skirt in, the blonde. Anyone!

He's coming back!

Oh, also, one other thing.

Koala Airlines is a really shitty airline.

You son of a bitch! You son of a bitch!

Guys, I'm sorry.

For a while there, I don't know what became of Ron Burgundy.

Brick, I'm sorry I yelled at you.

Brian, I...

No reason why I killed that story of yours.

It was excellent reporting.

And, Champ, I'm sorry I said no to all those

offers for late-night deep-tissue rubdowns.

Ron, you're a good man.

But you have fallen victim to your own ego and your own hubris.

And before others can forgive you,

you must learn to forgive yourself.

What was that, Brick?

I'm wearing two pairs of pants.

Thank you.

So that's it, huh?

You're sorry?

You know what, Burgundy? Apologies are like assholes.

Everyone's got one

and everyone's got a shoebox full of Polaroids of them under the bed.

Ron, we're a team.

We need you.

Let him go, Champ.

Ron!

Long live Ron Burgundy!

I'm Brick Tamland for GNN News.

The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout.

You little hack!

Huh? Who the hell do you think you are?

After everything I've done for you,

this is how you repay me? Well, I will crush you!

Once again, Mr. Burgundy,

you are the ballsiest white man I've ever known.

What the hell?

One more for old times' sake.

Thank you.

Is Dad going to come?

No, sweetheart, Daddy has to work.

He's going to come. I know it.

Taxi!

Taxi! Taxi!

Damn it!

It's so hard for a proud Mexican

to get a taxi in this city!

I need to see my son!

And now, to play an original composition that he wrote for his father,

here is seven-year-old Walter Burgundy.

I made a promise! I made a promise to my son!

What the hell?

Well, hello, Ron.

You out for a jog?

Jack Lime!

Where's everyone going?

Please. I don't have time to talk, okay?

I have to be somewhere.

Well, that's funny. 'Cause I got nowhere to be

because you pretty much destroyed my career.

Do you realize what it did to me,

by making me call myself Jack Lame?

It was a living hell!

I'm telling you, you have to let me go!

Oh, don't worry. Four against one.

This will be over fast.

Maybe not so fast!

My news team. Thank God!

Ain't a day that will be or has been

that we don't have Ron Burgundy's back.

Not a problem. When I'm done with these mutts,

I'm gonna wipe my shoes on the curb.

Oh, yeah, Jack Lime?

When I'm done with you,

my mom's going to pick me up and take me home.

Wait!

Here's a headline for you.

"Moronic Yank Wankerman

"Gets a Bloody Good Hiding From News Reader

"From a Superior Country."

For we are the BBC News Service.

No. Not now.

Fall back, fall back.

If y'all are gonna get down,

then Wesley Jackson and the MTV News crew want in.

What's MTV?

I think it's a venereal disease.

The most requested video of the day?

A new band called Burgundy's Sucking Chest Wound.

It wouldn't be a battle without Jill Janson.

And Wendy Van Peele from Entertainment News.

Entertainment news is an abomination!

Who are you wearing today? Oh, look, it's your own blood!

Today's celebrity birthdays... None.

Today's celebrity deaths...

All you dick-licks.

I like the way they're put together.

I like fighting girls.

I like to cunt punt cowboys.

You eat pussy? You're gonna.

Hey!

There's not gonna be any fight without Scott Riles

and the incredibly polite Canadian News team.

What about the French-speaking Quebec News?

The real voice of Canada!

Give it a rest, eh?

Give me a break! They can't have news.

Nothing happens in Canada!

We're gonna mop the floor with you!

We're gonna put the boots to you! Sorry. Sorry.

We're gonna gouge your eyes out! And kick your head in!

Sorry!

I like your ginger ale!

Jeff Bullington, ESPN, all sports.

Tonight's play of the day is me,

extracting your spine from your dead body.

Holy shit, there's a lot of news!

It's true, the market is becoming saturated.

Hey. The History Network wants in on this. We're news, too.

Only news told much, much later.

Wait a minute. Is that the ghost of Stonewall Jackson with you?

Yes, it is. And the mighty Minotaur.

I don't know about this, man.

The Minotaur isn't even history!

He's mythology!

Let's not downplay the fact

that that's the ghost of Stonewall Jackson!

May the Lord anoint this hallowed field of battle.

You guys got room in this battle for an old war horse?

Mack Tannen! What are you doing here?

You're too old for this.

Well, you see, there's the thing.

When there's an early moon,

I almost feel like a stallion again!

He's on our side, right, Ron?

He's a were-hyena!

I'm-a call Michael Jackson. I got a video idea.

All right, everyone, listen up!

By virtue of being on this battlefield,

there is no return.

People will die.

I'm so horny right now.

Some will be disfigured.

In some cases, lasting friendships will be made.

And as usual,

no touching of the hair and face.

Come on. What do we look like, rookies?

Sorry.

When El Trousias,

maiden of the clouds, blows the battle horn,

let the battle begin!

I am El Trousias!

Hear my siren song!

El Trousias... The Juicies'. Hmm.

That means you can start.

Brick, what the hell is that?

It's a gun from the future.

No fair! He's got a gun from the future!

Where did you get it from?

In the name of the King, the Queen and St. George.

Huzzah!

Guess you didn't see that coming.

Twenty degrees right.

Fill that gap!

Fall upon your swords! Life has no meaning!

There will be a mint julep waiting on the other side, son.

Release your soul to me.

Sorry!

Sorry! Sorry!

Sex Panther powers activate.

It's the ghost of Stonewall Jackson!

Everyone, it's the ghost of Stonewall Jackson!

Why do we have to fight?

There's so much I could learn from you.

In the name of Margaret Thatcher...

No! I sentence you to death!

Please, no!

Oh!

What in the name of Dan Issel?

Gary!

Yes, Ron.

You and I never got along.

But using the power of my mind,

I was able to see in the future

that you would do good.

- Now, go. - I knew it!

Go to your son's recital.

I knew you had mind powers!

And make it the greatest day of your life!

Almighty, Almighty, light the fuse on my call.

Thirty-niner-niner-14, cook these fools.

I repeat, cook these fools.

We've got to get out of here. There's too much news!

Man, what a rush!

The monster's my friend!

Ron, we can still make your kid's recital!

Hey, Ronny.

Jack Lime, please, I just want to get to my son's recital.

No! That is out of the question!

We're outnumbered, Ron.

Foam the runway, I'm coming in hot!

And then four guys on bikes showed up.

Wes Mantooth and the Channel Nine news team!

Hey, what the hell are you guys doing here?

This is a national news fight.

You made one mistake today.

You messed with somebody from San Diego.

It's actually pronounced San Diago.

Hell, Ron and I may not agree on everything,

but we share the bond of being

from the greatest city in the history of this Earth.

Well, ain't that cute?

But you're outnumbered three-to-one.

Why don't you go back to your mama?

Don't you use my mom's name in vain.

Dorothy Mantooth was a hard-working single woman

who raised seven children on her own

and she remained sexually active till the day she died.

She brought pole dancing into the mainstream.

Now here's the thing. While I've been talking,

my news team has emptied their gas tanks at your feet.

I drop this smoke and every one of you goes "poof."

Well, you forgot one thing, leatherman.

You drop that smoke, you die, too.

With the things I've done in my life,

oh, I know I'm going to burn in hell.

So I sure as shit ain't afraid to burn here on Earth.

Oh, my goodness!

That's the most badass thing I have ever heard.

All right!

Looks like this fight's over.

Let's go, boys.

Yay! We won! Let's celebrate!

Sparklers!

- No, no, no, no, Brick! - No!

Bravo! Bravo. Yeah. Whoo!

Dad!

Son, I fought a Minotaur to be here.

And I'd do it again.

Dad! Together we can defeat voodoo!

Ron had finally learned how to love his son

and his wife more than his career.

And as it turned out, his walking off the news

was the highest-rated TV event of the year.

He and his news team, along with Veronica,

could have any job they wanted.

But before that, they had one little thing to take care of.

And now, before I join this couple in holy matrimony,

Brick and Chani ask us to join them

as they exchange their vows.

My dearest Brick.

Everything I have is yours.

My four lawnmowers. My sister.

My 35 ferrets. My massive student loan and real estate debt.

It's all yours.

Oh, Chani.

I will never forget the exact moment I saw you.

My pee-pee got all uncomfortable in my pants, and I thought,

"Here comes the warm milkshake out of the tip of my belly stick."

Wait! Look!

Walter, Walter, honey, shh!

Look in the water!

It's Doby!

Oh, my God.

It's Doby! Doby!

Ron, what are you doing? He's not your friend!

Doby!

Ron! That's a shark!

He will eat you!

Doby!

Oh, my God!

The shark actually recognizes him!

Nope. He's viciously attacking him.

Doby! Doby, it's me! Ron!

If a man dies with love in his heart,

does he truly die?

Absolutely!

But on this day, Ron Burgundy's grapple

with this denizen from the deep

was halted by 28 pounds of furry providence.

I bottle-fed you!

Baxter!

Baxter!

Baxter! Ah, yes!

I know, I know, I love you, too.

Oh. Come on.

All right, let's do it.

You guys think...

I don't know how to use a computer.

Hey, fellas. I just saw Jack Lime out there.

He's a goddamn iceman.

Scared the crap out of me.