Original subtitles

Yeah.

Well, just figure out, well, it was Friday night.

Oh, and she was looking so good.

Crossed between a waitress and a socialite. Did everything that I should.

Set my life just like a Romeo.

Everything was going fine.

When I go home, there's nothing to do.

I can hit my show. But

I

try again in a week or four.

Maybe my luck, it will change.

I would take her to a movie show.

Watch out, boy.

How can he like you?

Just another night, I'm all alone.

Thinking that it's just as well.

I said I got a call on the telephone.

Damn, if it ain't Michelle.

Said she wants me to be a new Romeo.

Watch a little late night TV.

When I go home and I wake up, she said, watch out, boy.

I can feel it.

Don't. I like it. What? You're going to wake up the whole neighborhood.

God, what is that?

It smells like they sprayed the trees.

That bitch did this on purpose.

If I haven't told you this before, Mom is against me having sex.

She definitely needs psychiatric help.

Keep your paws off until I say okay. I was just looking.

You're the prettiest girl I've ever been out with.

Probably.

Hey.

What's that sound?

Is it her? Is she coming?

No, it's not your mother.

What are you doing?

You sound disappointed.

You want to get caught?

What is that noise?

Oh, I gotta move.

Look at my hood. Christ, it looks like velvet.

Don't move, honey.

If you stay here, I'll let you see all of me you want.

Above the waist.

No, sir. Put that thing away.

Well, it's dark, you know. I'd like to see what I'm seeing.

Okay.

I'll let you use it on one condition. What?

Get me a date for Roundup with Ransom McKnight.

It'll be my pleasure to match you with Randy.

No sex.

Don't worry, this is purely a clinical exam.

You broke the backbone of my passion.

You're a weird... You're the most perverted boy I've ever been out with.

Go away!

Leave me alone!

Haven't you done enough tonight?

Let him get inside.

I don't need any more lectures about men. I'll learn everything I need to

living with Daddy.

He's going to ask me to come. You wait and see.

Is that you in there, Bubba Drum?

Yes, ma 'am.

Have you been having your way with my daughter?

No, ma 'am.

Not exactly.

But you wanted to go further, didn't you?

Yes, ma 'am, I do.

Did?

Well,

I knew your mama.

She taught me through three grades in the old school, and I just loved her.

She'd have been real ashamed of you tonight.

Mm -hmm.

Why don't you sit down? You can look.

I don't want to go in and face her yet.

Oh, friends of yours?

No.

That was a rogue kill for Valentino.

See, I'm trying to get him off Alpo.

I'm preparing him for his freedom.

Once, about a year ago, I saw you inside the cage.

The two of you were wrestling?

I slowed down at first because I thought he was killing you.

Well, we still wrestle.

Only not as much.

I'd hoped you were.

Well... It's been nice talking with you. But now I gotta go in there and holler

at my daughter.

If you'd like, you can stop by in the morning and watch us wrestle.

Up close.

That's nice of you.

Yeah.

I like that.

Oh, I'm sorry about the caterpillars in your car.

Yeah, they'll blow right off.

Oh, Miss Butts?

I'll see you in the morning.

This is what an old retired veterinarian looks like in the morning.

I'd look and feel one heck of a lot better if I didn't go around with a

cop till all hours of the night.

You shouldn't know that.

Morning, Sinclair.

Morning.

Howdy, Pat.

Well, it looks like you...

I guess your date with that other connoisseur must have gone pretty well.

Yeah, the last part especially, and I hope Shirley didn't get too pregnant.

They ain't got all their parts, is my main objection.

Now, look at this fellow here.

He's missing his arms, which bothers me.

The hell, the worst of it is he ain't even got shoulders.

Neither do you anymore.

It amazes me how your shirts stay on, the way your shoulders have shrunk.

At least I can still dance, which more than a fossil like you can say.

You just do that pretty good.

I've got a feeling, Sinclair, that you're going to mention your sister's

again, and I don't want to hear it.

Claudine! Now, why would I mention her? She's just the best cook in the county

and one of the few good dancing partners left alive.

Hell, you must have been thinking about her. You brung her name up. I heard her

name every five minutes last night.

I've still got enough sense to avoid bohemian women, especially her,

in a beer joint at her age. You uptight old turkey.

I'm not going to stick around and listen to your insults.

Now, there's a snake I could like.

If he had ears, he'd almost have a face.

Tell Charlie that... He's

taking my sister to the dance if I have to bait him there with whiskey.

You may have to.

Oh, no.

He's completely given up on the liquor since Abby passed on.

Boy, you better get with him pretty quick or...

Use it or lose

it. Ain't that what the song says?

I'll talk to Dad for you.

Yeah, you do that and talk up my sister some, huh?

Well, I'm off to fight crime.

Valentino.

Shit a lot for a two -year -old, you know that?

Huh?

We're gonna get sweated up before the little lady arrives.

Come on, boy.

How you feeling?

Ready for a little one -on -one?

Huh?

Once you see him, he'll attack.

Don't worry, son.

What you're feeling is man's first fear.

The fear of being fooled.

You'll need stitches, that's all.

I'll put a temporary bandage on that.

How many armadillos? What did you give him last night?

Two.

Here's my tiger. I'll start feeding him four.

Ambulatory? Yes, Dr. Frank, but this one's not an accident.

Oh?

He was clawed by a tiger.

Oh.

Oh.

Hmm.

Ooh, this long -lasting creature must have been a large tiger, huh?

We'll need a tetanus booster and a tool. little silk on a cutting needle.

Have you fixed up in a jiffy?

Geez.

Bubba?

Yes, ma 'am. Bubba drunk.

Yeah. You only saw me in the dark. You look pretty tired. Oh, no, no. Today I'm

tired. Last night I was hog drunk.

Hey, wasn't I supposed to meet you this morning at the serpentarium?

I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, no. That's okay.

It's just as well you didn't.

You were probably late or something.

Well, I was late, but... The truth is, I completely forgot.

And if you weren't supposed to be in school, I'd make it up to you with a cup

coffee. Oh, I'm not missing anything.

In fact, I'd like some coffee. Yeah? But I can see that you're busy right now.

Oh, well, how rude of me. A bubber? This is Mrs. Apple. Mrs. Apple, this here is

Bubber Drum. You remember his mama. She was the headmistress of the old school.

Oh, of course she does.

Enchanted. You know what?

Let's find a nice, quiet place for Mrs. Apple.

She needs...

I need some coffee.

It's bad coffee, isn't it?

I don't know.

I'm not really drinking any coffee.

It makes me go to the bathroom.

How's the wickedest nurse on the third floor today?

Hello, Dr. Schwartz.

Ooh, is that all I get?

Hello, Dr. Schwartz.

Come on, time's running out for us.

I've only got four more months left in this hellhole before I go back to

Minneapolis. Well, I'll miss you, I'm sure.

Hey, and I've missed you, too, completely.

How about going to the big dance with me? I drove through town this morning,

those rednecks are really getting it together for roundup. I think I even saw

legendary cowpoke or two.

What do you say I wear my chaps and nothing else?

Boy, what a great sense of humor. Doesn't he have a great sense of humor?

She's already going out with me.

I see.

Oh, and pass the word among the staff that I only go out with men under the

of 20.

That way, we're both at our sexual peaks.

Gynecologist.

You know, I really gotta go, and you just finish your coffee, okay? You know,

I'm serious about the roundup.

I mean, you wouldn't have to dance with me.

I just think you need to get out.

Why did you come to the hospital?

You came to ask me out, didn't you?

Yes, ma 'am.

That's why I came to the hospital, was to ask you out.

Oh, I'm so flattered. I really am, but the answer is no.

You stick with a girl of your own age.

You'll have fewer problems that way.

Now, I gotta get back to work, and you gotta get back to school.

And I don't want you hanging around here because you might catch something. I

don't want that on my conscience.

But I tell you what, you can come and visit me whenever you like, because I

really enjoy talking with you.

You're gonna throw up sit somewhere else. I ain't sick

I just got nine stitches. Take a look.

Oh, not while I'm eating.

You are so perverted.

What's so funny?

It's all over school, you know, about Mama catching us last night.

What did you say to her anyway?

Why?

Because she just came home, turned off the TV, and went to bed humming.

No shouting or epileptic fits.

Why are you grinning?

Oh, no reason.

I guess I'm just a happy young man.

Oh, no. There he is. Oh, Bubba.

Come here.

Randy just told me you got caught with your pants down.

Seems to me you must be picking up things from him.

Yeah, well, Randy is a well -known liar. And y 'all just let me take him with

me. Boy, take your mind. Here, come back.

I was telling Randy about my sister, Marty. You remember Marty, don't you?

Well, she came back from San Jacinto State last week. And what do you think

she's got?

She's got the crabs.

She told Daddy she got them from a dorm kitten, and he believes her.

Now, do you boys think that is possible?

I expect your daddy would believe most anything.

At least I hope he does. Come on, guys.

Can't you take no for an answer? I told you last night on the phone, I'm not

taking her out.

She's got big friends and a bad temper.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go taint Penny in the parking lot. Don't

you get a grip on your hormones?

Penny's ready.

Yeah, well, so are the crabs.

I bet they're eating her whole family alive right now.

Bubber? Yes, ma 'am. I thought I saw you there.

You scared me.

I'm sorry to bother you.

I came to see Shirley.

Is she here?

Well, no, she's not.

But I'll tell her you were window peeping for her.

Come on in.

I give great advice to the loved one. Come on.

Come on.

I thought you were entertaining.

Oh, no, no, I'm just entertaining myself. Here, why don't you sit down?

See, I call this my oriental night. I sort of dress up and cook chow mein and

eat with chopsticks on the floor.

Keeps me out of the doldrums of middle age.

Oh, no, you're not middle -aged.

You can't be much over 30.

Oh, yes, I can.

Then you really are at your peak.

For a marathon runner.

All you need is a little exercise.

Oh, like dance?

Shirley says you're awful good at it.

Yes, ma 'am.

Mama made me take four years of cotillion. She said that a big boy

some grace.

Wait a minute.

You lied to me today, didn't you?

Kiki Walker mentioned a strange case in emergency.

Let me look at that lady here.

Around the hospital, Dr.

Frank is known as Frank at the time.

Oh, look at that.

I know where he had a life like a whole hog.

Oh, dear.

Well, maybe you'd like some sake.

Must have been painful for you. Oh, no, no. I mean, yes, it was painful, but no

thanks on the sake. Well, here, come over here. Let me take a look.

You know, Sheila got me drunk once. Yeah?

She probably told you, though.

I went crazy and ate this Dixie cup.

But no one in my family can drink sanely.

My grandpa rode his mule home from the saloon one night into a tree.

Mule lived, but grandpa on the tree died.

Well, I'm sorry about your grandpa.

Oh, no, no, that's okay.

But now tell me, who owns that red car out back?

Oh, that shit is a birthday present from her daddy. The engine exploded the

first day.

Hey, you're just like my grandpa's blue -tip cab.

First one paw in the chair, and next thing he was snoring in your lap. Oh,

persisting like a coon dog, but I want you to know something. What?

I am an early bloomer.

Very mature.

I'm sure you're not like the other boys.

Hurry! I'm trying.

These dang buttons.

Gee, Shirley, do we have to do this right outside your house?

I mean, we could have had Lone Star Point all to ourselves.

Do you want to go all the way?

Yes, please.

Then get out of the way. Yes, ma 'am.

A man!

She's got a man in my house!

Well, I should keep her occupied.

Damn her!

Come on!

You!

You!

Okay, go call your daddy. Tell him I'm misbehaving. Don't you mess...

Shirley, your mom was just looking at my bandage.

Hit him. Hit him in the groin. My right hand? No, thanks.

If you don't hit him, our date's off for tomorrow night. And remember what I

promised.

Nobody's getting hit in my house. Now, Shirley, go to your room, will you?

The botanicals are next and they're heavy.

I'm going to be all right.

But he came over looking for you, honey. Bull, all you ever care about is

yourself. You never think of me.

Oh, Shirley, I know you don't believe this, but you're the most important

in my life.

When Daddy hears about this, he'll take me away. And then you can live as

degenerate a life as you wish.

If you believe that you'll be happier living with your daddy, you've got my

permission. But I just don't think that you'll find life with him the ideal that

you like to threaten me with.

I hate you!

I hate you!

Are you all right?

It's broke.

I know, it's broke.

I'm sorry about Shirley.

He left her.

Oh.

Thank you.

Boy, Shirley's mad. Oh, please. She's always mad at me.

I expect she'll convince her daddy to keep her this summer.

She'd probably like that.

Oh, I doubt that.

It's got a lot of fantasies about living with them. None of them true.

I guess it's that way with fantasies.

Oh, I don't know.

Sometimes fantasies almost survive.

I must be crazy.

Yeah. most beautiful woman in the world.

Well, then you must be crazy.

Rose, I want you to know that I'm 19.

They kept me back in third grade.

Now, can I kiss you again?

Oh, I don't think... You might as well. You're being blamed for it anyway.

Can't let you take me to the dance, but I'll probably see you there. I think

you're right about getting out.

Sorry, ladies!

I'm not driving here!

Then you two, Claire, how come it took you so long to introduce me to your

sister? I'm nice, boys, but don't hit no cats, all right?

What the heck?

We got to go.

I said, that's all right. You go right ahead. I'm going to give you a song.

her, run over there.

You're

early.

Your clothes are dirty.

My mother's not here yet.

Really?

No. She went over to a doctor's apartment first.

They're having a party.

Highball primer.

And she's wearing her diaphragm, too. I showed Tyrone the empty case, didn't I?

That's good.

I'm glad to hear she's getting out.

Y 'all have a good time tonight.

Listen, I didn't pay for what I could tell you, so you can plaster the walls

now. Pick yourself a partner, and don't step on anything like that.

They're listening to what Charlie says. This old mule is a dancing foot.

How do you get some music? Go on, get out there and pick yourself something.

Barbara, I want to... Dance with me?

Relax, you're going to get cramps and start sweating, everyone.

What do you want to talk about?

Well, I wanted to apologize for last night.

I'm afraid I got carried away. Don't say another word. This man enjoyed himself.

Ah, you look beautiful in that dress.

Thank you.

Hope I'm not getting it dirty.

That was fun because we didn't do any damage.

But tonight, just stop making those awful noises. I feel guilty enough as it

I want you to go now and just enjoy yourself with a girl the right age.

says I look like Elvis when I see her.

Do I?

You look like you just swallowed a potato bug.

Swallowed a potato bug.

Come on, let's go get drunk. I know where there's a bottle.

Yeah.

She's got you hooked. I can see that.

But if you want some advice,

Stay sober and hope she gets drunk That way she falls down you won't miss her

when you jump Hey blubber dumb, I want to speak to your ass

I

Think

you owe me an apology

You're wise -ass, blubberdum. You know that.

You're a goddamn motherfucking wise -ass.

You can't hold your liquor.

Fine.

I see your point.

I'm a goddamn motherfucking wiseass. You're a pervert, too.

What the hell kind of man asks out a girl and then sneaks off with her mama?

Ain't that some kind of interest?

It ain't. It should be.

You know, but my leg still hurts where she kicked me.

Oh, well.

Hell, I'm sorry about that.

She should have kicked me. I'll go in there right now. No, you're not. Stay

from Shirley.

And her mama.

Now, wait a second. What's between me and Mrs. Buttsy?

Oh, shit.

Piss off his head and sit down and slug. Come on, pace this. Pace this.

Somebody told me this five -star over me. Is that right?

Who said that?

Ransom.

Now, hold still. I'm trying to assess the damage I caused.

Yeah, you can't believe him, right? He's a well -known liar.

He wasn't lying when he said you needed help.

Wouldn't you rather I got doctored by some girl my own age?

You be quiet.

A whole army of 16 -year -olds couldn't keep up with your injury.

You don't keep any snakes up here, do you?

Unless I'm scared.

Oh, snakes and petrifying.

I checked, but I didn't wet my pants.

Here, let me take a look.

Yeah, I'm going to put something on that.

Okay, but leave a little scar so I got something to remember.

You know, I thought for sure that you'd have a poster of a girl in a wet T

-shirt.

Sure.

Heck, I grew out of them dirty posters when I quit playing with myself.

I bet that Dr. Shorts hadn't stopped yet.

Would you lie back down?

Oh, Rose.

My father won't be home till the last tune's played. Heck, we've still got

several hours.

You're making me very nervous.

All right.

Just do me one favor.

What?

Go soak that dress in some cold water.

I'd feel terrible if I thought I bloodied it.

Barbara, this is crazy.

Don't worry.

I've read the Aggie sex manual cover to cover.

And what's the sex manual on farming?

Oh, yeah.

You know, I memorized all three pages.

Put in, take out, repeat if necessary.

Barbara, I don't know what I'm doing here.

Neither one of us does.

But take a chance.

Drop that dress.

I'm ready to start the introduction.

Now listen to me.

This is a one -time only proposition here.

I want you to understand that.

You listening?

Repeat. I said so one time.

Repeat.

Because it's necessary.

You're so experienced.

Knock it off.

Where to tonight? And you promised to tell me in a poem. First, I

got you a present.

Oh, sweet.

Thank you.

Oh, they're great. Oh, they're fantastic.

Thank you.

Well, you may regret this.

Why? Because my sore feet.

are the only things in the way of me leaving you in the dust.

Oh, yeah? Well, let's just see your stuff, lady.

Not so fast.

Call him.

Okay.

I was hoping you'd forget that.

Mostly, we run around in the dark.

But tonight, we're gonna see art.

To write, to die.

Where you die, Fran, tight and wiggle when the movie starts.

Catch me!

Come on. Hey.

Oh, this is great.

The bugs aren't even bad.

How far have we run?

Two miles.

Maybe three from the looks of him.

Shouldn't sprint so hard. You know, it's easy to hurt yourself when you're

tired. Yes, Coach, but I'm not tired.

Here.

Come on.

Take a rest.

she'll probably turn out to be a mysterious woman.

Like you.

Mysterious women are not made from strange girls.

Definitely strange.

Well, now that's a fine attitude for a mother to have.

Honey, Shirley's a young

lady who's having a little bit of trouble giving up being a little girl.

She loves you.

But instead of telling you that, she tests you.

For what?

To see if you're paying attention.

How am I doing?

I'd have to give you 99 .5.

Half point off for this little freckle right here.

Why do you take such an interest in my anatomy?

Because in my first year of vet school, I'm going to have to be dissecting

frogs. I'd like to be ahead of my class.

Oh, really? Why?

You're different than me.

I mean, you're just a different bill of a person.

Well, I better be. We're having stranger sex than I thought.

We're having strange sex?

No. It's different.

Let him rest.

Sometimes I wish you'd let me talk about our future.

You know, don't you think it'd be easier if I just moved in when Shirley left?

Heck, Rose, I don't keep loving you a secret.

You're going to start your summer job next week, and after that you have

college.

I want you to be thinking about your future, not ours.

Sometimes when your hair is messed up, you look like a partially open can.

You do.

Oh, isn't something biting you?

No.

Ow!

Ants! Oh, shit! Oh, the fire ants! Ouch!

Polly, come on!

Polly! Listen, what was that?

Good to see you, son.

Stop writing early.

Going someplace?

I got to go to Rose's. Pop Randy just called. I'm trying to prevent a murder.

Oh, yeah, right.

Good idea. If you got something to tell me, let me know. Me? Yeah, I ain't got

nothing to say. Well, then I got to go.

Not to mention, maybe there is something.

When did you and me quit arguing over morals for a while?

Something's come up, and I'm going to forget about mine.

You drive, Captain.

What are you doing here?

Where's Shirley?

Oh, she's up.

Yeah, I figured she would be. What time's a callous brute father getting

Well, he's not coming till next week.

She and Randy saw everything last night.

She called up her father. He's coming to get her today.

That's right, Mama.

But don't let me intrude. Go ahead.

French kiss my ex -boyfriend.

I'm going to get dressed. Maybe you'd like to holler at me in my room.

You're smoldering.

I can see that. But you know something? We were just exercising.

Jogging? Naked?

You really are the most perverted boy I ever dated.

And for your information, Daddy is not a brute.

He said he'd leave at the crack of dawn when I told him about this den of

iniquity. Please, come on. This is all my fault.

Your mama was helpless in my clutches, you know.

You're going to feel a whole lot better if you just clobber me one.

In the groin, if you want.

Oh, your groin. But do it quietly.

I'm listening for Daddy's car.

Now, you better straighten up your room. I don't want you leaving in a mess.

You don't have the right to give me orders anymore.

But I'm going, because I got something to do.

You just sit here with your high school boyfriend and enjoy yourself.

Though you haven't needed me to tell you that.

Maybe young girls just need to clean their systems of Lonnie's.

She's gonna be better off, you wait and see.

Thanks.

What are you up to?

It's morning, after breakfast.

What do people normally do then?

Geez, Mama, you're really gonna miss me.

Won't be anyone here to check up on.

Or maybe there will be.

Oh, Mama, I want you to know I left a surprise for you. When you get it...

of me and about all those lectures you gave me about the right way to behave.

You too, Bubba, you might be involved.

Daddy's here.

Bubba, bring out my footlocker.

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, sir. Good old LaVon, she, uh...

She couldn't get me out of bed this morning no matter what she tried.

Oh, she's just so small.

Hey, you get over here.

You two gonna get along fine.

We got your spare bedroom and the condominium, and, uh, LaVon, she's

bought you a new air mattress.

You're married?

Oh, hell no, not until LaVon quits her job at Figure World.

I won't have a wife working, you ought to know that, but what the hell, it pays

the bills.

I'd like to talk about some bills, too, if you can untangle yourself.

That's a hairy -legged ex. I told you she's sarcastic. Hello, Rose.

You know, you're ten months late on your child support.

That money goes into Shirley's college account.

You the boy? I heard you've been romping nude with my wife.

It's ex -wife, and that's not the subject.

No, no, it's a subject, and I'd like to discuss it.

She looks like schmados for blow -up sex dolls.

So you're the ex.

Lonnie has just told me so much about you.

Funny, he said nothing at all about you.

The other one he talked about a lot.

Yes, he has the same little opinion about the both of you.

Any woman that Lonnie thinks highly of has got all my sympathy.

Now about the bills, Shirley cannot go to college if you don't work, you know.

He is working, but you don't know how the cattle business ends.

Don't worry. In a week, you're going to have her sleeping on the air mattress.

Bye, Mom.

Lonnie! Oh, sweetheart.

You sit by the window while Yvonne doesn't like the wind messing her hair

Rose?

Cute family.

Before the summer's over, they'll be biting each other.

No use resisting.

Think of me as a force of nature.

Like a tidal wave.

I didn't expect my life to go like this.

Oh, it's not so bad.

Him too?

After Pop quit kicking the furniture...

He said if I was going to disgrace the family, he wouldn't feed my tiger.

And besides, it's time he got out from behind those bars anyway.

Can I possibly get rid of you?

No, ma 'am.

I'm stuck on you like a tick.

Okay. Put your sleep in Shirley's room. They rent 75 a month, and we'll work the

board out.

Shirley's room? Uh -huh.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm not sleeping in here.

Like to leave it. The other bedroom's mine.

Look, I'm tired and this is my room. No, it's not.

It's our room.

You just won't let me sleep here.

I don't understand.

I don't understand why the other night you said I... The other night I learned

my lesson.

Now, if you want to stay here, you've got to live your own life.

You've got to go out on your own dates, just like me, and you're going to sleep

in the other room.

Like heck I will.

Now, that room's for kids.

Now, I may be 19, but I'm your man and you love me. And I'm going to go sleep

the sofa where the ejected man is supposed to sleep.

Breaking furniture, huh?

Want to pay by the week or in one lump sum?

It's more helpful to sleep with your head lower than your feet.

I know. In my bed, that's how I sleep.

Don't look at me that way. It'll make me very nervous.

Why don't you just hold on to my feet and tell me what you're plotting?

How long have we been dating?

Two, three months.

Well,

I was sick.

You know, for every step I've made with you, I've had to get something broken.

Oh, come on. That's not true. No, no, that is true.

You were supposed to stop by my house. Valentino broke my skin.

And then there was a roundup dance.

Yes. I nearly got my ear torn off.

What's the point?

Oh, I'm using guilt to get into your bed. I admit that.

But since I have to break something, perhaps you have a least favorite leg.

Oh, you don't have to break anything else.

Soap is enough.

You mean... We're illicit lovers again?

Yes, but only for the summer. Now, when Shirley gets home, that's it.

Absolutely.

I haven't read all this yet, but I think this may be the best part.

One night, Daddy came home in a fright.

He was just having drinks with a, quote, friend, when LaVon entered the bar and

shot off a gun.

Oh, he wanted to kick her head in. Bet he did.

Not being a violent sort, besides Le Bon went home, I suggested her wig heads.

With wig heads all over the floor, we heard her key in the lock.

Now, I don't know what got into Daddy, but he started blaming me.

Naturally,

Le Bon believed him, and now they've gone and grounded me for a month, as if

go anywhere but night school.

I haven't told you about that. I'm taking night classes so that I can

by Christmas and get out of everybody's hair.

All my disgust at Bubba, temporarily yours, surely

I'll... Now you're upset.

I gave you that idea.

Oh, don't be sarcastic.

Don't worry, honey. Shelly's going to be all right.

Hey.

You know, I love you.

I love you, too.

Are you okay?

Didn't finish your pizza tonight?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Yeah?

Yeah, I just had some gas.

Yeah? Oh.

Let me have this special, please, Danny.

Another one from Shirley?

You two must be in love.

Yeah.

Where you been? I've been trying to get in touch with you. Try at work.

I was over at the clinic twice already.

Dr. Bispo had a couple of mares and foal out at the Turner farm.

I don't know why I resist, but he let me deliver one myself.

God, Randy, it was beautiful.

That woman doesn't feed you enough. I know it. Don't you get fed at home?

When I left this morning, Rose was taking leftover pea salad.

Listen, Ed, I've been looking for you. Shirley keeps writing, asking if her

mother's pregnant yet.

Are you throwing away your shot at a future? Did she mention how?

I thought you knew how girls got pregnant.

What I mean is... She did mention leaving a surprise in a diaphragm.

Some sort of crap like that.

Could you be just a little bit more specific, please?

Well, look, if you got pregnant, just forget it and eat up.

So, how's the wickedest nurse on the second floor today?

I bet you missed me.

And I missed you, too.

Completely.

And I only have another week left in this hellhole before I go back to

Minneapolis. The answer is no.

It took you two years to get around to me. Yes, I was saving the best for last.

That's what you told Sylvia last week. Can't you think of some new lines?

And don't you think we divorced girls don't talk?

Don't I know you?

Well, we met once.

You were using the same line on Rosebots. Oh, thanks. It worked well

divorced women.

Are you sure I don't know you?

Rosebots. Rosebots. Oh, yeah, upstairs in Northville. Right. Right.

Oh, wait, wait, no, no. I need to speak to you.

Uh, privately.

Man talk, huh? Yeah.

All right, come on.

Whoa.

If this table could talk.

So what can I do for you? Need a DNC?

I need a diaphragm.

What do you need it for?

A party hat.

Postcards? It's not for her, is it?

Sure it isn't. You know, I thought she had a different look about her lately.

I notice these sort of things. In fact, now that I think of it, she's rumored to

be living with a tiger.

That wouldn't be you, would it?

Ah, you sure don't let much slip by you, Doc. Don't kiss my ass, kid.

What size?

I don't know.

I'd eyeball her at about an 80.

Take as many as you want. I'm out of here in a week.

Over there in the cabinet.

Thank you.

Anything wrong?

What is this?

It's a diaphragm.

I know that. It's not mine.

Sit down.

Why?

Just sit down.

I had to get a new one.

I flushed the old one down the toilet.

What was wrong with it?

Rose... Honey... I was thinking about having

babies.

But I thought, now you better discuss this with her first.

Don't be absurd.

I think it's a possibility.

I mean, what would you do if you accidentally got pregnant?

I'd have an abortion.

Hey, I've already had my family. I don't want any more children.

Look at me, I'm feeling great.

Hey, I'm running. I quit smoking and drinking.

I wake up every morning feeling fresh.

Besides, Shirley's coming back next week and you're going home.

Listen, I probably haven't thanked you enough for everything you've done for

But I mean it.

Thank you.

So then you definitely won't marry me?

I've already married one 19 -year -old. Oh, he was a jerk.

Well, that's right. And you're not a jerk. But you're still only 19.

He's getting lazy again.

Me this time.

Oh, you'll get over it.

I don't think so.

You're giving too much freedom too soon.

Morning just gnaws those bars.

I've been thinking.

Better sell them now.

No use waiting anymore.

Talk to that fellow I know. Runs the fairy land.

Up the other side, New Brosville.

Offered up a good price.

Enough to send someone all the way through college.

Not yet, Pop.

Don't tell it quite yet.

I guess I know how you feel.

I'm sorry, Mom.

That's motherfucker,

honey.

You and Shirley love games with my buddy.

Don't you know what that'll do to your lungs?

My lungs?

Don't you think we can discuss this thing like adults?

Do you think you can? After all, you're not.

You know, there's a bright side to this.

I'm sure. We could have this, baby.

Oh, correction.

I could have it. It's my body.

Are you sure this is the right place?

I don't hear any blood turtling screams.

Down the hall, fourth door on the right.

Father's occupation?

Daddy? He's a cedar whacker when he works.

A cedar whacker?

Sure, you know, he chops down trees for...

And is he willing or able to contribute to the cost of the termination?

Daddy? Heck, he didn't make me pregnant.

An alien did it.

An alien?

Sure, you know, one of them visitors from another world, like E .T.

This one is dressed up as my boyfriend, but I knew it wasn't him.

Sonny never acted like that in his life.

Form down the hall for consultation.

Room B.

Young man, please don't lean against the wall.

No disrespect, ma 'am.

I believe everyone has the right to be a woman.

Marital status?

A single.

Occupation? Registered nurse.

Then as a nurse, you are familiar with the means of birth control?

Sure am.

The man's name is not required, of course.

Well, I'm him.

Bubber Drum with two M's.

A native of the planet Earth.

But in our relationship, Rose doesn't shave her legs, and I'm the weak and

subservient one.

I see.

And you want him present at the consultation?

If you have space on your form for this, write it down.

I am stuck on this woman like her hair.

He's only partially responsible.

My daughter had a hand in it, too.

But she's home recuperating from a bout with a hairbrush.

Your daughter? Yeah.

Down the hall, fourth door on the right.

Room two.

Honey,

this may be our last chance to talk alone.

I want you to know I am sorry. I feel responsible for all of this. But you

I just got to tell you right now that this is not the responsible thing to do.

Maybe not. But don't you apologize.

It's my own fault for not behaving right.

Now, maybe if you don't feel good about this, maybe you should just wait in the

car. Okay?

No. No, I belong in there.

I'm the man.

You might not be.

What does that mean?

Just sad you might not be the father.

You've been fooling around?

I don't believe you. You're just trying to take the pressure off me.

Where'd the counselor go?

There should be Kleenex in this office.

Well, we're here. Can I have... It's okay,

Marsha. You're right.

I'm wrong.

What else do you want me to say?

Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing.

Is there anything I can do? It's just that I'm not ready to have children.

I need to live first.

If Ronnie wants this thing so much, let him have it. Donna, you know I can't.

Well, I can't either. I am not going to give up my future in real estate because

of your inadequacies.

Okay, okay, you're right.

Listen, I don't want to see you get upset either.

Let's just get this thing over with, okay?

Hey, hey.

Mind you, same excuse for me. Don't give up.

Wait just a minute. What you're all forgetting here is that it's my body and

future, and I just want this thing taken out.

This decision you're making, it can't be that self -centered. I guess you're

here for a dental appointment.

Who the hell are you, anyway?

I'm Rose Butts.

I was a mother before, and now here I am, pregnant.

Yes, well, we can see you're not wearing a wedding ring, can't we, Ronnie?

Actually, Miss Butt is here with the surgical inspection team.

She is a nurse, and I'm an exterminator.

That's right. The clinic is filthy, so you better go to Marsha, because I know

how you feel about parasites.

Oh, no. Just give me the keys. I'm on the drive.

We really got to get married now.

Even if you were fooling around, I'm the most probable father to be.

Nope. You're going to college and live your own life.

I'm just going to act like nothing's a matter until I have this thing.

And as for us, we're not going to see each other anymore.

Enough damage has been done.

I mean that.

Hear me?

most probable granddad to be?

Well, I'm not exactly sure who the father is.

Can't we be sure of anything anymore?

I don't suppose you're married or anything like that.

No.

So, I'm a legitimate most probable grandfather to be.

Who's the mother? Do you even know her?

It's Rose, you dim -witted old vet.

When?

Sometime in the middle of February.

That's fine.

I'll start knitting tomorrow.

Knit pink.

Knit pink.

We'll name her Abby after her illegitimate, most probable grandma.

Oh, that'd be sweet.

But if it's a girl, I hope it favors Rose.

You two would make real homely women.

to show up here.

I know I did, but she won't answer any of my letters.

Well, that's because she hasn't read any.

Do you really expect her to?

I mean, I'm right here. She hardly even speaks to me.

Well, let me see her.

Just for a minute, then I promise I'll go away forever.

Well, I would, but for your information, she's not here.

She's out on another date.

A date?

But she can.

She's pregnant. It ain't safe.

Sure it is.

Doesn't even wear a diaphragm anymore. There's nothing you can do about it.

His bubber?

Well, you told me he was wild, but you didn't tell me he swung from trees.

Hello, I'm Kiki Walker.

Yes, ma 'am.

Hey, I remember you.

Dr. Frank almost throwed your hand in my leg.

I'm real sorry about this.

I hope I didn't make you hemorrhage or anything like that.

Shouldn't you check?

Oh, I don't know.

But you just make Rose calm down. She's been cranky and sarcastic for weeks ever

since she had to quit running.

Rose, next lap.

Yeah, but I'll drive.

By then you won't be able to fit under that wheel.

See you later.

Watch your step.

Now give me the key and I'll open the door.

What class?

Are you a co -ed? I wish.

Well, then what sort of class is it?

Natural childbirth. Now what are you doing here?

We're having our baby naturally?

You're not having anything. What are you doing here? Now, see, you're mad. You

better watch that because the baby can feel it.

Shirley told me you was on a date. I just lost my head.

Oh, God, it's him again.

Rose, honey, listen.

He called you honey, Mama?

This is distorting my whole adolescence.

Go to your room, Shirley.

Rose, tell me about our baby. Does she have a face yet?

Ow! My childhood's been ruined! Go to your room.

Rose, please share the baby with me.

This isn't fair.

You can't keep this all to yourself.

At least tell me about the classes.

I'll tell you. She and Kiki Walker are planning on helping each other deliver.

Where's her husband?

He's stationed in Europe. If he can't get leave, Mom's gonna take his place.

With any luck, this baby will turn out better than you.

With Dumbo here for a father, I doubt it.

I may not be the father.

Rose says she was fooling around.

Oh, sure. You don't know Mama like me.

Would you, huh?

You're making my baby squirm.

Hot milk, Mama?

I'd rather have tea.

No, think of the caffeine.

And here, I'll put a pillow under your feet, honey.

Would you please help Shirley?

I want to be alone.

Okay?

My way, Rupert.

Honey, why'd you lie to me tonight?

You knew your mama wasn't out on a date.

Look, I'm willing to call a truce.

I mean, the situation calls for it, don't you think?

How you doing, really?

How does any middle -aged, unwed mother doesn't want a metacondition act? You

tell me, Mr. Smart.

Cranky and sarcastic.

Only time she's been bearable is when Uncle Ben calls and she can talk about

California.

Well, is there anything I can do?

All right, quit looking snake fit.

I'll let you carry the crayon, but don't eat any cake yourself. I mean, it's

five o 'clock now.

And don't get any ideas. It's only a truth, not a surrender.

I just have to go to the bathroom and I don't want the milk getting cold.

I don't want to play tug -of -war with a baby.

Now be careful because it's hot.

Thanks.

Y 'all feeling better now?

Oh, I'm fine. I'm just exhausted.

Maybe the two of you shouldn't rest on the sofa.

I didn't fix it too well.

It's all right. I re -glued it after you went to work.

You want some cake? Yeah.

Yeah.

Baby's cooking.

Can I feel it? Sure.

Can I touch too, Mama?

Oh, sure.

Neither one of you could have managed alone.

Feel this.

I'm starting college in January.

I'll be moving to the dorm so you and Mama can carry on your illicit affair in

private. You're going to college?

What about the money? Daddy finally got what he deserved.

His disability checks came to his old address, and Mama cashed them all last

week.

You know what's strange?

I get to go to college because my mother forced the checks that my father

deserved because his mistress shot him in the leg.

She shot him in the leg?

Yep. I never thought I'd be glad to move here.

That bitch, LaVon.

I ought to write her a thank you note.

You know, Shirley, you might not make such a bad stepdaughter after all.

Never. She'll never marry you. She's got too much pride.

What's wrong with me?

Besides the obvious, you're young enough to be her son.

What else?

No education.

I mean, face it, Bubba, you got no job future.

Why'd she want to marry you?

Love.

Weird.

So, how's Ransom doing anyway?

Now, Shirley, I don't want my possible stepdaughter to be messing around with

him. Right. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Where have you been? I've been waiting for this.

You know, your goddamn tiger took a swipe at me, and I'm the fellow who runs

over his feet.

Claudine, we're running out of chairs.

Claudine, I thought... Hey, let's get old Luke up here with the head of the

table. Come on, you ugly old thing.

No, wait.

No. Give me a hand with this thing.

I'll do it, Sinclair. This time I hope he eats you.

Shirley, give me a hand here.

You're crazy. I'm not... touching that snake.

Here, I'll help you. Here.

Merry Christmas.

Same to you. No lead, please, Philip.

What about the tiger?

Nothing to worry about with him.

Valentino was born in St. Louis.

Same as your baby boy.

That is Daddy's nose, I see.

While you're waiting, perhaps you and the missus can cater to the serpentarium

of a hundred different kinds of reptiles and animals.

Most of them vanishing species.

No, I don't think so. Just a guess. We're in kind of a hurry.

Educate yourself about snakes, mister.

They're ugly, but they're important.

Bogan's picture could rid your house of rats.

Of course.

That's right. You've got something against reptiles.

You know, I think that's enough gas.

Thank you.

You said, uh... You said fill it. Charlie, watch that doll!

Lindstrom! Here, boy. Come on.

You bet. We will talk to Tom.

As for you, you will hear from my attorney.

Rest assured.

At least he died a painless death.

Got to turn your tiger loose.

Sort of be a lesson to you, boy.

You can't hold on to things too long.

It's been the problem of your life.

Holding on.

Yeah, Mr. Crockett told me he was coming.

I got a check here somewhere.

$8 ,000.

A lot of money for a boy.

Yeah, it's my college education.

Yeah, if you want to spend it on that.

Now, you're going to have to unload them yourself. I got to wait for a load of

chimpanzees. Just take them on down to section 63B.

How large a place will we have?

Well, 100, 150 acres, I guess.

Mr. Crockett wants to breed him with that crippled lion, Josephine.

Wants to get him a litter of them laggers or tyons or whatever them half

is called.

Just what a rich man needs.

His own pet freak of nature.

Well, you go on and turn loose out there.

How did Josephine get crippled?

Well, she escaped once.

Stepped in a jaw trap over in Hayes County.

Shoot her own foot off to get free.

Well, she weren't too hard to run down after that.

Huh?

Hello, boy.

Okay, old friend.

Go for the gusto.

How many armadillos did you give him last night?

Two.

Here's my tiger. I'll start feeding him four.

Ambulatory? Yes, Dr. Frank, but this was not an accident.

Oh?

He was clawed by a tiger.

Oh.

Oh.

Hmm.

Ooh, this long isolation must have been a large tiger, huh?

We'll need a tetanus booster and a 2 -0 silk on a cutting needle.

Have you fixed up in a jiffy?

Jeez.

Bubba?

Yes, ma 'am. Bubba drunk.

Yeah. You only saw me in the dark, and you look pretty tired. Oh, no, no. Today

I'm tired. Last night I was hog drunk.

Hey, wasn't I supposed to meet you this morning at the serpentarium?

I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, no. That's okay. It's just as well you didn't.

You were probably late or something.

Well, I was late, but the truth is I completely forgot.

And if you weren't supposed to be in school, I'd make it up to you with a cup

coffee. Oh, I'm not missing anything.

In fact, I'd like some coffee. Yeah?

But I can see that you're busy right now. Oh, well, how rude of me. Bubba,

is Mrs. Apple. Mrs. Apple, this here is Bubba Drum. You remember his mama. She

was the headmistress of the old school. Oh, of course she does.

Enchanted. You know what?

Let's find a nice, quiet place for Mrs. Apple.

She needs the rest, and I need some coffee.

It's bad coffee, isn't it?

I don't know.

I'm not really drinking any coffee.

It makes me go to the bathroom.

How's the wickedest nurse on the third floor today?

Hello, Dr. Shorts.

Ooh, is that all I get?

Hello, Dr. Shorts?

Come on, time's running out for us.

I've only got four more months left in the hellhole before I go back to

Minneapolis. Well, I'll miss you, I'm sure.

Hey, and I've missed you, too, completely.

How about going to the big dance with me? I drove through town this morning,

those rednecks are really getting it together for roundup. I think I even saw

legendary cowpoke or two.

What do you say I wear my chaps and nothing else?

Boy, what a great sense of humor. Doesn't he have a great sense of humor?

She's already going out with me.

I see.

Oh, and pass the word among the staff that I only go out with men under the

of 20. That way we're both at our sexual peak.

You know, I really got to go, and you just finish your coffee, okay? You know,

I'm serious about the roundup.

I mean, you wouldn't have to dance with me.

I just think you need to get out.

Why did you come to the hospital?

You came to ask me out, didn't you?

Yes,

ma 'am.

That's why I came to the hospital, was to ask you out.

That's nice of you.

Yeah.

I like that.

Oh, I'm sorry about the caterpillars in your car.

Yeah, they'll blow right off.

Oh, Miss Butts?

I'll see you in the morning.

an old retired veterinarian looked like in the morning.

I'd look and feel one heck of a lot better if I didn't go around with a

cop till all hours of the night.

You said no, bud.

Good morning, Sinclair.

Morning.

Howdy, Pat.

Ah.

Well, it looks to me you, I guess your date with that other connoisseur has

pretty well.

Yeah, the last part especially, and I hope Shirley didn't get too prejudiced.

They ain't got all their parts, is my main objection.

Now, look at this fellow here.

He's missing his arms, which bothers me.

The hell, the worst of it is he ain't even got shoulders.

Neither do you anymore.

It amazes me how your shirts stay on, the way your shoulders have shrunk.

At least I can still dance, which more than a fossil like you can say.

do that pretty good.

I got a feeling, Sinclair, that you're going to mention your sister's name

again, and I don't want to hear it.

Claudine? Now, why would I mention her? She's just the best cook in the county

and one of the few good dancing partners left alive.

Hell, you must have been thinking about her. You brung her name up. I heard her

name every five minutes last night.

I still get enough sense to avoid bohemian women, especially her,

a beer joint at her age.

You! uptight old turkey.

I'm not going to stick around and listen to your insults.

Now, there's a snake I could like.

If he had ears, he'd almost have a face.

You tell Charlie that he's

taken my sister to the dance if I have to bait him there with whiskey.

You may have to.

I know.

He's completely given up on the liquor since Abby passed on.

Boy, you better get with him pretty quick or...

Use it or lose

it. Ain't that what the song says?

I'll talk to Dad for you. Yeah, you do that.

And talk up my sister some, huh?

Well, I'm off to fight crime.

I think you see him.

We'll be right back.

We'll be

right

back.

Just another night, I'm all alone.

I'm thinking that it's just as well.

I said I got a call on the telephone.

Damn it, baby, it's settled.

Said she wants me to be a new Romeo. Watch a little late night TV.

When I go home and I let you sit, watch out for me.

I like it. What? You're going to wake up the whole neighborhood.

God, what is that?

It smells like they sprayed the trees.

That bitch did this on purpose.

If I haven't told you this before, Mom is against me having sex.

She definitely needs psychiatric help.

Keep your paws off until I say okay. I was just looking.

You're the prettiest girl I've ever been out with.

Probably.

What's that sound?

Is it her? Is she coming?

No, it's not your mother.

What are you doing?

You sound disappointed.

You want to get caught?

What is that noise?

Oh, I got to move.

Look at my hood. Christ, it looks like velvet.

Don't move, honey.

You stay here.

I'll let you see all of me you want.

Above the waist.

No, sir! Put that thing away!

Well, it's dark, you know. I like to see what I'm seeing.

Okay.

I'll let you use it on one condition.

What? Get me a date for Roundup with Ransom McKnight.

It'll be my pleasure to match you with Randy.

No sex.

Don't worry. This is purely a clinical exam.

You broke the backbone of my passion.

You're a weird.

You're the most perverted boy I've ever been out with.

Go away.

Leave me alone.

Haven't you done enough tonight?

Letting them get inside.

You bitch.

I don't need any more lectures about men. I'll learn everything I need to

living with Daddy.

He's going to ask me to come. You wait and see.

Is that you in there, Bubba Drum?

Yes, ma 'am.

Have you been having your way with my daughter?

No, ma 'am.

Not exactly.

But you wanted to go further, didn't you?

Yes, ma 'am, I do.

Did?

Well,

I knew your mama.

She taught me through three grades in the old school, and I just loved her.

She'd have been real ashamed of you tonight.

Why don't you sit down? You can look.

I don't want to go in and face her yet.

Friends of yours?

No.

That's a road kill for Valentino.

See, I'm trying to get him off Alpo.

I'm preparing him for his freedom.

Once, about a year ago, I saw you inside the cage.

The two of you were wrestling?

I slowed down at first because I thought he was killing you.

Well, we still wrestle.

Well, not as much.

I'd hoped you were.

Well... It's been nice talking with you. But now I gotta go in there and holler

at my daughter.

If you'd like, you can stop by in the morning to watch us wrestle.

Up close.