Original subtitles

♪ Some walk by night ♪

♪ Some fly by day ♪

♪ Nothing could change you ♪

♪ Set and sure of the way ♪

♪ There is the sun and moon ♪

♪ They sing their own sweet tune ♪

♪ Watch them when dawn is due ♪

♪ Sharing one space ♪

♪ We'll walk by night, babe ♪

♪ We'll fly by day ♪

♪ Moonlighting strangers ♪

♪ Who just met on the way ♪

The bride of Frankenstein.

That's right. She's got her mother's eyes.

Or at least she's got somebody's mother's eyes.

Friend?

Friend?

Smarten up, honey. Monsters aren't supposed to play hard to get.

Sure, she wants a doctor. They all want doctors.

She hate me.

Come on, sister, give him a break.

Sure, he's got spark plugs in his neck

but at least his heart's in the right place.

Give or take a couple inches.

- Listen, this place is dead, I'm taking off. - Hold it a second, will you?

You'll stay.

What is this you're watching?

We belong dead.

Don't do it, Frank. Don't pull the lever!

I'm not surprised.

You just can't say no to some guys.

- I'll see you Monday. I'm leaving. - Leaving?

Maddie, Maddie, Maddie. What are you doing, doing, doing?

David, David, David. I'm leaving, leaving, leaving.

But Maddie, what'll it do to the morale of the worker bees out here

when they see their queen leaving two hours early?

That's a risk I'm willing to take.

- So, why are you leaving early? - So, why are you trying to stop me?

So, what if I said I was hopelessly bored?

So, what if I said I wanted to get home early?

- Big plans, huh? - No, I wouldn't say big plans.

- Actually I wouldn't even say plans. - No plans on a Friday night?

The day people get paid? The night people get what rhymes with paid?

The first day of the rest of your weekend.

- It happens. - Really, to you? Is Ripley aware of this?

- I had a date. He had to cancel. He had to go to a wedding. - Oh?

- His own. - Oh!

- Couldn't do both, huh? - He said he met her yesterday.

Something about sharing an umbrella in the rain.

Two straws and a banana daiquiri.

- Living a lifetime in one night. - I know that girl.

Why couldn't they have met next week? I hate eating alone.

Well, if there's nothing else to discuss

- David, what are you doing? - I just had a thought.

- We better get you a doctor. - Now, I can't promise anything

but if I get on the horn PDQ, I may be able to lose a few rendezvous.

Juggle a few jiggles.

And I just might be able to free up my schedule enough to squeeze you in.

- Squeeze me in? - Yeah, you know...

you and me...

go out.

Do something together.

My coat's upstairs.

Well, I hadn't really expected this.

Though I don't see why not.

I mean, I guess it might be fun doing something together.

- Maybe we could see a movie. - Yeah, sure, a movie.

- There's a French film, it-- - French?

- You mean, like, foreign? - Well, what else would I mean?

I don't know.

Dirty?

- Well, how about music, then? - Now, you're cooking.

I know a nightspot, on the westside.

Perfect place to make you forget.

- Forget what? - See, it's already working.

By nightspot, you mean soft lights, quiet, a little piano?

Very little piano. In fact, none at all.

And they got this brother on sax, blows notes you can hear in Seattle.

- This isn't going to work. - Dancing then!

We go out, we rock all night and get totally sweated up--

David, this isn't gonna work. It's a bad idea. We're not going

to agree on anything tonight any more than we agree on anything ever.

- I disagree. - Really David, I'd just rather go home, get comfortable,

have a glass of wine and slip into a hot bubble bath.

Fine. Mind if we stop at my place on the way?

- David, why are we doing this? - Maddie, it's Friday night.

We're single people, we owe it to ourselves to find something we can do together.

- We do? - We do.

- I know. Dinner. - Dinner.

Dinner. Hard to screw up, we both like to eat.

This time, you choose. Anywhere you wanna go.

- Anywhere? You sure? Positive? - Anywhere. I'm sure. Positive.

Well, there is this new restaurant a couple blocks away

supposed to have wonderful seafood.

- Seafood? - Monday, David.

Monday?

- Ms. Hayes. - Ms. DiPesto.

- I was just coming in. - I was just going out.

Wow, What do you think the chances of that happening again are?

- You came to tell us something? - Did you just guess that?

- What is it? - I don't know.

But a cousin of mine had it too. Answered her front door before anyone ever rang the bell.

No, I mean, what is it you wanted to tell us?

Oh. There's a man's here to see you.

- Oh, well, we'll be right out. - Bring him in.

- My office is more appropriate. - What's wrong with doing it right here?

- Okay, we'll do it here. - Oh, we'll do it in your room.

Uh, you are already here.

How about this? No pressure.

We go over to your house, we take off all our clothes, we get a couple of cans

of 90-weight motor oil, we rub it all over ourselves, we see what we feel like doing.

Doesn't have to be 90-weight.

- This is Alan Tupperman. - Ms. Hayes, Mr. Addison.

You folks experienced at missing persons work?

Well, we've done as much of that as we have anything else.

Good. I'd like you to locate this woman.

I'm prepared to pay you $5,000 now

and $25,000 more once you've actually found her and brought her to me.

- Do you have a photograph? - Nope.

- A name? - Afraid not.

Well, forgive me but I'm lost.

This is gonna seem a little unorthodox.

Don't sweat it. Orthodox, unorthodox, we have no religious preference here.

Had a rabbi as a client once. Someone was trying to kill him for blowing his bris.

- Go on, Mr. Tupperman, please. - I don't know who this person is.

- Excuse me? - I don't know who this woman is.

- I've never met this woman. - Then why do you wanna find her?

Ms. Hayes,

I'm 39 years old.

I cleared more last year than my father made in his entire lifetime.

I get a new car every two and a half years.

I own a house, I own a boat. I'm the kind of man who reads Playboy.

The kind who doesn't leave home without his American Express card.

I shave twice a day because you never know who you're gonna meet after dark.

I believe in God, but not necessarily in any one religion.

And I am miserably, terribly alone.

- Breath problem? - What does all that have to do with us?

This represents everything I'm looking for in a mate. In a partner.

Am I sure she exists?

I am not at all sure she exists.

But if you can find her, it's worth 30,000 to me.

Lord knows I've been out there for 20 years

telling the lies men tell women, and I can't find her.

- You're serious. - I'm more than serious, I'm committed.

If you can find this woman, I'll marry her.

Alan, do you know what you are? You are a man ahead of your time.

You have just opened up a whole new source of revenue

- for detective agencies everywhere. - He did?

- I did? - Sure, I can see it now.

Lines of guys walking in, placing their orders, walking out with a girl of their dreams.

You could have a menu. A trait from column A, a trait from column B,

Kind of like a distaff deli. "Get me a brunette astronaut who likes racquetball,

hold the breast, to go. Better yet, I'll have her here."

- Look, if you don't wanna help me-- - Alan, Alan, Alan.

What makes you think we're not interested?

The real point is, Mr. Tupperman, why us?

We're detectives, not a dating service.

Have you been out there lately?

I'm at my wit's end. Every night, clubs, bars, searching,

computer dating, the personals, never finding her.

I'm starting to think maybe she doesn't exist at all.

Then it occurred to me, maybe it wasn't her.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I don't know how to find her.

It dawned on me that what I've got here is a missing person.

So why not go to people that are trained to find missing people?

Trained to find people solely on the basis of a description.

Look,

I know it sounds strange, but give it some time. Mull it over.

My address and phone number are on the top of that list.

There's a picture and a complete description of me there as well.

Think about it.

I'll call you tomorrow.

- My goodness. - Mine too.

- Well, you wanna know what I think? - About what?

- I think we shouldn't take this case. - This is unusual.

- You want to tell me what the problem is? - You can't see it for yourself?

All I can see is a man walks in our office, puts five grand on the table

offers us a chance to do something different, a chance to do something unique.

- A chance to-- - Pimp!

- Pimp? - Pimp.

Well, I don't see that at all. No, no, no, no, no.

I think you've misunderstood. All we're doing is finding a woman

for a man, for money. And that's all.

- No. - What do you mean, no?

Isn't this still a discussion, aren't we still discussing this?

I mean, I will abide by whatever you say, but shouldn't there be a little discussion first?

- You can discuss it. I'm going home. - Wait a second.

What about Rambo, the steak, dancing till dawn?

They've been called on account of stupidity.

- You kill me. - Oh, if only I could.

Here we are staring at a great case in the face,

something worthwhile, something rewarding.

Please, I'm getting cavities just listening to you.

An opportunity to give a man a second chance at life, at happiness.

- I'll be at home, alone. - And you don't see it.

Because it isn't there!

But you're wrong, Maddie. Don't you see, it is there.

For once, we won't be investigating a tragedy.

We'll be doing something to help someone get over one.

We'll be doing something noble. Helping a man find his future.

- That's a lot of crap, David. - What?

You heard me. You're so full of crap, it's coming out your ears.

Okay, fine. Can I just ask you one question?

Sure. you can ask me a million, but I'm not gonna be here to answer them.

- Why'd he come to see you? - What?

Why did he come to see you, Maddie Hayes, detective, model, girl, why you?

What do you mean, why come to see me?

If the guy was just looking to get lucky, he could've gone to any one of 100 detectives

mostly men all over town. Why do you think he came to you?

- I have no idea. - Because you're a woman, Maddie.

Because he is sincerely looking for a partner to share his life with.

And who better to help him find that partner than you?

A sophisticated, intelligent, beautiful woman.

Are we working this weekend?

- Pick me up tomorrow morning. - You got it, partner.

- You're still full of crap. - So, what else is new?

So, now, that you got me into this where do we start?

How do we find someone who meets all the requirements?

- Never looked for a fantasy before? - Not someone else's.

First we get realistic.

We look at the length of the list and we figure it's like a test in school.

We get 60 percent, we pass.

I think we have to do more than just pass.

I may stay up late with the homework.

A lot of thought went into this list.

I think the least We could do is do our best to give him what he's looking for.

- You're right. What's he looking for? - Let's see. A hard worker.

- Somebody to do the ironing, got it. - Good listener.

- Follows orders, that's important. - Doesn't overdress.

Wears just enough to keep out of jail. I've been looking for this girl myself.

Is this going to continue?

Well, I could read, but you'll have to tell me when we come to a light.

Has spent some time serving others.

Cocktail waitress, good. Something to fall back on during hard times.

David, I think one of us is having trouble interpreting this list.

- That's all right. Keep reading, you'll catch on. - I meant you.

Me? No. I'm not having any problems. Seems very clear and to the point.

Obviously not. I described a mature, intelligent woman who has substance

and you describe an oversexed pack horse with a lobotomy and a G-string.

Not true, Maddie. I happen to believe that good looks and motor skills are important

but more than that, she's gotta be hot, Maddie.

- Young and hot. - David, try moving your vital organs into the '80s.

This is the list of man who clearly wants more

than grabbing some hair and pulling it into his cave.

He wants what every man wants, Maddie. Somebody who looks good

Somebody who turns the flame up, Somebody who makes him feel like a man every time he sees her.

What about companionship, what about laughter, what about fun?

What are you talking about? That stuff is what other guys are for.

- I don't wanna do this with you. - What's that?

It's becoming all too clear that once again we are not seeing eye to eye

- which leaves us only one solution. - You want me to pull over now?

You know this is precisely the kind of situation I had in mind

when I suggested considering getting a second car the other day.

- We'll each find our own woman. - We what?

We each find our own woman.

I'll take the high road and as usual, you'll take the low.

- And may the better detective win. - You serious?

What am I talking about, you're always serious.

Let me get this straight. We each go our own way

we find a woman completely on our own

- and we let Tupperman decide who's done the best job? - Mm-hmm.

Wait a second, there's gotta be something wrong with this.

- Why? - I love it.

♪ I found out it was love at first sight ♪

♪ You're lovin' I need it, I couldn't believe it ♪

♪ That I found a love at first sight ♪

♪ Forever my lady, I'm lovin' you baby ♪

♪ Ever since my heart was broken ♪

♪ I never thought I'd love again, huh ♪

♪ Won't settle for anything less ♪

♪ So many lonely nights I spent ♪

♪ Didn't wanna believe, no, no, no ♪

♪ No way couldn't mean to ♪

♪ Baby, it caught me by surprise yes it did ♪

♪ When I found you ♪

♪ I found out it was love at first sight ♪

♪ You're lovin' I need it, I couldn't believe it ♪

♪ That I fell in love at first sight ♪

♪ Forever my lady, lovin' you baby ♪

You call about the ad? Please hold.

You call about the ad? Please hold.

Call about the ad? Please hold.

So, Miss, um, Vance, let's start at the beginning.

Why don't you tell me about yourself.

Well, I should make it clear that, um, I'm not the kind of person

Who normally answers these kind of ads, but...

Times being what they are

Men being what they are...

I thought I'd, well, go out on a limb.

I thought...

if this offer's legitimate

What the hell, let's give this cowboy a jump and see what he's got.

It's not that I have trouble getting dates.

Of course, I don't have to tell you that.

I just attract...

The wrong kind of man.

And a lot of them.

What was the question again?

♪ It was love at first sight ♪

♪ You're lovin' I need it I couldn't believe it ♪

♪ That I fell in love at first sight ♪

♪ You're lovin' I need it I couldn't believe it ♪

♪ That I fell in love at first sight ♪

♪ Forever my lady, I'm lovin' you baby ♪

I think my background speaks for itself.

I won every science fair at Klamath Falls High.

And if you look at me...

I think it's obvious that...

I know how to please a man.

As long as he gets along with my...

Pekingese.

One thing I won't tolerate is...

A man who doesn't floss or believe in proper dental hygiene.

As a matter fact, that's the reason that I divorced my fourth husband.

Or was it my second?

Well, it wasn't, Rufus, I only slept with him.

Maybe it was.

What was the question again?

♪ You gotta do it ♪

♪ 'Til we get funky ♪

♪ Gotta do it 'til we get funky ♪

♪ Gotta do it all night 'til we get light ♪

♪ Do it till we get funky ♪

Blue Moon Detective Agency. Get any strange calls in the middle of the night?

Strange notes in your mailbox by dawn's early light?

Tell us about it, let us get involved.

We'll find the perv and your problems will be solved.

Hello?

Why don't you say something?

To you too.

- I did it. - Did what?

- Found her. - Found her, found who?

- The woman. The woman. - The woman? What woman?

- The one Tupperman is going to marry. - Oh, that woman. Where is she?

Right here.

Molly, this is Agnes DiPesto. Ms. DiPesto, this is Molly Lewis.

- Very nice to meet you. - Likewise.

- Molly's a Rhodes scholar. - Really? You study maps?

Molly's a gourmet cook.

- Really? - Well, it's...

Molly speaks three languages.

Amazing. All at once?

Uh, if anyone calls, we'll be in my office.

Fine.

Au revoir.

Sayonara.

Y'all come back now.

That's tough to do.

Blue Moon Detective Agency. Getting strange calls in the night?

Strange notes in the-- What?

What do you mean, am I naked?

I know it's a yes-or-no question.

- People. - I'll have to put you on hold.

Something important is going on.

As many of you know, for the past several days

I have been engaged in a quest.

A journey...

an odyssey to find a woman.

Wait, correction, not just a woman.

Well, I have returned.

Gentlemen, don your goggles.

Just a word of warning here.

You don't wanna look directly at this woman.

What you wanna do is punch a pinhole

in the center of a piece of paper and watch her through that.

But, hey...

you're all big boys. You do what you want.

Hey, Stevie.

Anyone got a match?

I gotta go!

I don't know.

I suppose, for me...

cayenne pepper represents

a new food frontier...

you know?

Mm-hmm.

Maddie, the search is over.

Sound the horn, call off the dogs, we done found the fox.

- David. - Excuse me. This will only take a second. I'm a speed gloater.

- David. - Maddie, I'm telling you I looked everywhere.

Over Hill and Dale, under Roy and Dale, and suddenly...

there she was...

Stevie.

- It's okay, I love it. - Not now, David.

Go on, Maddie, give her a spin. Slam the doors, kick the tires.

- I'm sure you'll agree, there's no need to look-- - Addison!

Uh oh. Go cut a switch. Looks like the woodshed for David.

If you two would excuse us for a moment.

But is this, is she?

No. No. No. Two completely unrelated cases.

I feel strongly about discussing unrelated cases in front of unrelated people.

And we'd appreciate it if neither of you discussed

either of your cases either, you understand?

Stevie? Stevie, hi!

What...

do you think you're doing, parading that, that, that through my office?

That, that, is gonna get us a $25,000 bonus.

- Oh, really? - Oh, yes, really.

You are even more naive, David, than I imagined.

Yeah, I'm just full of surprises ain't I.

It so happens that when you burst in here with Sheena

I was sitting with a woman who's Alan Tupperman's perfect match.

- Who, her? - Yes, her.

- Ha! - She's a sensitive, intelligent,

very deserving woman who would be insulted

to think she was in a kind of a-- a contest.

Yeah? Well, don't worry about it because if that's your choice,

- there is no contest. - What does that mean?

That means it's over before it starts.

Well, if that's your choice, I have to agree.

How can you present that woman to Alan Tupperman with a straight face?

She doesn't meet all the requirements on his list.

She meets the two big ones: she's willing and female.

Maddie, you are taking this list much too literally. You gotta read between the lines.

- Don't you mean between the sheets? - Maddie, admit it.

Your approach was off base from jump street.

You were looking for someone who was the list.

So, you got what you got.

I was looking for someone who could become the list

someone who could grow to be his dream.

Who could provide him with a garden of earthly and non earthly delights.

Who could be more important to him than water, air, Monday Night Football.

I just met her, David. She's only a woman.

Huh!

Only a woman?

Were the '27 Yankees only a baseball team?

Are the Himalayas only a bunch of hills?

Are 36 inches only a yard?

This is not a game, David.

We're trying to help a man with the most important decision a man can make.

We're trying to help Alan Tupperman make a choice he can live with

for the rest of his life.

Brenda Boring?

Not a choice he wants to live with for the rest of his life.

You don't know her. She's perfect for him. She'd make a wonderful wife.

Yeah, right, I know the type. Good little dancer, all the girls like her,

don't even mind the hair on her mole.

- You are a repugnant human being. - It's a gift.

So, you mind telling me where you hook this halibut in case we wanna throw her back?

Where I found her is hardly the point. The point is

I conducted an intelligent and methodical search and came up with the best possible person.

Then maybe I'll just go ask her.

On my line at the supermarket. Okay, all right?

She had a fascinating cart.

All kinds of greens, spices, herbs.

- Supermarket, Maddie? - So what?

That doesn't make her any less qualified for Alan Tupperman.

Yeah, right. Medium looks, buys her own food, a potent combo.

You still don't see how important this is, do you?

This isn't just another blind date.

We have to find a woman he can love, who can love him,

be his friend, share her life with him while he shares his with her.

This is about romance, David. It matters, and I wanna do it right.

So do I.

But I guess my right and your right are two different things. So...

- So? - So I guess we're not gonna find out

whose right is right until Mr. T. finds Mrs. Right for himself.

Like you said, may the better detective win.

Yo, Stevie, you wanna bring that moneymaker in my office?

Absolutely, there's nothing wrong with a woman being a bit aggressive,

taking the initiative.

What's the worst that can happen?

Blue Moon Detective Agency. Running a beauty pageant and need to know if any of the girls

posed for photos that show more than a swim suit competition would allow?

Just give us a call and we'll find out now.

We have sources at all the major men's magazines

and we use them to help keep your beauty pageant clean.

It's okay.

You could stop breathing into the phone, it's me.

It's him!

- Oh. - Oh.

Well.

Hey, wait a second.

So, you haven't heard anything either, huh?

If you mean, did Molly call? No! The answer's no.

- Gee, I'm surprised. - Surprised?

Well, I'm sure she got home early last night.

- Obviously Stevie hasn't called. - Obviously.

No doubt looking for someone to help her dial the phone.

- Very cute. - All those numbers, all those buttons--

- You're milking it. - In any event, we'll know soon enough.

- You worried? - Me?

- You. - Not me.

Me neither. I can wait around all day.

Me too.

Hell, the only reason Tupperman himself didn't call is because he hit pay dirt last night.

- Excuse me? - You're excused.

-"Hit pay dirt"? - Hit pay dirt.

Rounded third and slid into home.

- I don't wanna know what that means. - You know what that means.

You are the crudest man I've ever met.

You ought to get around more.

She's right here, Ms. Lewis.

It's Molly! She'll be right with you.

Do either of you know how to say she'll be right with you in Italian?

Give me that!

Molly, it's Maddie Hayes. Tell me everything.

- Oh. - Oh, gee, I feel terrible about this.

- Oh. - Now, I know what you're all thinking

but don't you know how much I hate being right all the time?

Oh.

Ms. Dipesto, let's get the Tuppermans a wedding gift. Call Stevie, see what they need.

I'm so sorry, Molly.

So, how is old Molly?

I guess love isn't totally blind after all, is it?

Leave me alone, Addison.

I hope they have the good taste to ask Molly to be the old maid of honor.

- I don't wanna do this. - I wonder what it was that put Stevie...

- over the top? - For your information

I just got off the phone with a woman in pain,

a woman with little to no self-esteem left.

A woman with a catch in her voice, tears in her eyes

and no doubt a knife in her heart.

And that means a guy can't make a couple jokes?

- Men. - You rang?

Why is it every decision, every thought, every ounce of behavior

can be traced back to a place just south of their belt buckles?

- You figured that out, huh? - Why?

given a choice between a woman of physical beauty

and a woman of emotional substance will a man always choose the looks?

- God. - You're a perfect example, you know?

- Good to be perfect at something. - Your attitudes towards Molly.

How can you be so insensitive, so uncaring, so selfish?

- I'm dying to hear. - Just comes with the territory.

- The territory? - The territory.

- What, you mean being a man? - Incredible, you figured that out all by yourself?

Let me get this straight, Miss "Made a million bucks off my physical beauty

but not a dime off my emotional substance" Hayes.

According to you, it's not just me, but all men who are insensitive,

uncaring, and selfish. Right?

- You learn quickly for a man. - Smart mother no doubt.

- No doubt. - You know what I can't figure out?

- Left from right? - Exactly what you're so upset about.

I'm upset because there's a shattered woman who even as we speak

is having to deal with the pain of rejection.

What are you talking about? I asked you out.

I'm talking about Molly. Poor Molly.

Poor Molly. Rich Maddie. Rich David. I'm sorry. Tough to work up a tear.

Is that all you can think about, the money?

May I take a second here and remind you that our client was Mr. Tupperman, not Molly.

And Mr. Tupperman looked pretty damn happy just now

when he handed us this check for $25,000. Happy and spent.

- And you're not at all concerned about Molly? - Nope.

About what she's going through, about what she feels?

- No, no, no, no. - Well, I am.

- Good. And? - And...

if we can find a Stevie for Mr. Tupperman,

we can find a Mr. Tupperman for Molly.

Wait, wait. Wait a second. Slow down. I feel the plot's twisting here.

Don't you see, David? We owe this to her. We're responsible. We found her.

We got her hopes up.

What you mean, "we," paleface?

- Okay, me. I did it. I'm the one. I owe this to her. - Owe what to her?

- I'm going to find her a man. - A man?

- A man. - Wait a second. Two minutes ago

you said all men are insensitive, uncaring and selfish.

True! But they beat sleeping alone.

Wait a second, let me get this straight.

- We're going to go in this house, - Uh-huh.

tell Molly Lewis how sorry we are Tupperman picked Stevie over her...

- That's right. - Then pledge ourselves to find someone else for her?

- For free? - For free.

Maddie, let me make one last pitch here for the American way

where in people get what they pay for and pay for what they get.

Don't you see? We're locked in a vicious cycle here.

Find two woman for Tupperman, and that leaves Molly.

Find two men for her, that leaves some other clown. Find two babes for him.

The direction we're headed in I could spend the rest of my life

cruising for burgers I can't eat.

Get out of the car, David.

This isn't the way Iacocca would handle it.

Functional. Uninteresting.

Past its prime.

Got "Molly" written all over it.

Molly?

Molly.

David, come look in here.

Oh, Molly.

Molly, it's David and Maddie.

Molly?

Must be in her minimalist period.

I'm sorry, the house isn't ready to be shown.

The house?

Yes. Now, I'm not even putting up a for rent sign till I get a chance

to put another coat of paint on the place.

There's been a misunderstanding. We're looking for someone we thought lived here, Molly Lewis?

- You friends of hers? - Not friends. Not really.

She doesn't live here anymore. She cleared all her stuff out this morning.

Said she was getting married.

- Married? - Married?

She lived here eight years, and she didn't even give me one day's notice.

I mean, "Keep the security deposit," she said--

- Sorry to bother you. - You know, as if that makes up

for losing somebody that you lived next door to for eight years.

- We'll just let ourselves out. - And took you to church every Sunday.

Watched the mail when you were gone.

- I don't believe it. - You don't want to believe it.

We just talked to him this morning. You heard what the man said.

So he changed his mind. A man does have that prerogative.

I don't get it. Good looking guy...

no damage on any of the major senses.

No way he takes Ms. Prissy over Ms. March.

Admit it, David. I won. Molly won.

Tupperman won. But best of all, romance won.

Mind if I puke in your purse?

I'm not admitting a thing. Not till I have proof.

What kind of proof?

You know what? You seem naked.

- Naked? - Naked.

- Don't stare. It's not polite. - No, I'm talking about your strut.

- My strut? - Your strut.

Earlier this morning when Molly called, I could have sworn I saw a strut.

- There was no strut, it was a stride. - A stride?

A stride.

We helped a client. Made some money.

I was feeling happy, proud. Full of good feelings over what we'd accomplished.

Full of yourself for what you'd accomplished. Or thought you had.

Hmm, no answer. It could be the happy couple doesn't wanna be interrupted.

Or maybe he checked out.

Isn't that like young lovers, not to waste any time?

You dirty...

Hi. Any way I can leave a message for Alan Tupperman?

I don't believe so, sir. I believe Mr. Tupperman

and his wife checked out already. About a half an hour--

Whoa, back up, his wife?

- Yes, Mrs. Tupperman. - Mrs. Tupperman.

- Kind of short? - No.

This woman was a tall redhead, very attractive, never uses ashtrays.

You don't say?

- You sure she was his wife? - Well, the credit card said

Mr. and Mrs. Tupperman.

See? Um, I heard them say that they were on their way home

to Connecticut this morning.

Thank you very much.

- Yoo-hoo. - You-hoo who?

Yoo-hoo you. We have a problem.

- We? Me or thee? - We. Definitely we.

- Our boy Tupperman's already got a wife. - A what?

A wife. Checked into this hotel with a credit card in the name of Mr. and Mrs.

But, David, he came to us for a wife. That's bigamy.

- Wait. The bigamy gets bigger. - Bigger?

Bigger! When he left this morning, it wasn't with wife one and it wasn't with Molly.

- It was with Stevie. - Stevie?

- Stevie! - David, do you think he's planning on marrying them both?

That would make him the biggest bigamist in bigamy history.

Try saying that fast three times.

How you doing?

I guess we got our Friday night date after all, huh?

Some big spender.

The redeye flight to Connecticut.

Don't pretend you're not impressed.

We're sleeping together, aren't we?

You think we'll make it there on time?

Maybe they just ran off to a justice of the peace.

Maybe we're too late. Maybe they're all already married.

If we're too late, we're too late. It's not the end of the world.

- The marriage isn't legal, that's all. - That's all?

That's all. They got it done. They can get it undone.

You have got to be the single most unromantic human being

on the face of the planet.

Yeah, well, it's something I work at.

Marriage isn't just a ceremony. It isn't just a piece of paper.

A woman gets married for the first time only once in her life. Once.

There's only one first wedding. There's only one first wedding day.

Sounds like you've given this a lot of thought.

Wake me when we get to Connecticut.

Sleep tight.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

David, I feel funny confronting him like this. Maybe we should call the police.

There's a scene. "Officer, arrest this man. We set him up for a date

and he didn't need one."

The guy must be very stupid or very rich.

- What makes you say that? - Nothing but bills.

Mostly for the missus. I'm surprised he can afford to remarry.

And re-remarry.

Hasn't the guy ever heard of cheating?

No one's home. What do you suggest we do?

- Give me your shoe. Your shoe. - My shoe? What are you gonna do with it?

- Open the door. - Really?

- Really. - This I've gotta see.

- Simple. - I can't believe you did that!

Did what? How else were we gonna get in?

What's the matter with your shoes?

Nothing. Largely because I don't let people smash windows with them.

Tampering with the mail, breaking and entering.

It's only 10:30 in the morning, David.

- We've already broken two laws. - Tupp--

Tupperman's still ahead. He's marrying three women.

Why don't you look down here. I'll go check in the bedroom.

Go ahead.

- So? - So?

No Tupperman, no Mrs. Tupperman. So, what do we do now?

- Give me a minute. - Take two. By the way, did you see any pictures?

The Color Purple. Made me blue.

No, I mean of Mrs. Tupperman. I'm curious to see who it is

he's leaving for Stevie and Molly.

Hello. Hello.

Uh, I'm the man from next door. I-I heard the glass

and I-I'd noticed the rental car out front.

Cousin Alan promised to leave us a key.

Yeah. I-I saw people moving around in here.

At first, I thought it was Mr. Tupperman

had returned home from the hospital, maybe make it to the funeral?

- Hospital? - Funeral?

Oh, you mean, you folks hadn't heard anything about the...

the car crash?

Oh, David, I hate the convenience of it.

What, the church being around the corner from his house?

Lots of people look for that when they buy homes.

No, I mean Tupperman comes to us looking for a wife.

Then we find out he already has a wife. Then suddenly he loses a wife.

- Sounds like you are accusing him of murder? - I guess I am.

- Look at the bright side. - Okay?

He's not as big a bigamist as he once was.

- I don't see him anywhere. - A lot of people here.

I'm so sorry, Alan couldn't get out of the hospital in time.

Excuse me.

I've heard she was a good woman.

Yes, I heard that too. The self-reliant type.

Described her as independent.

Had to be, all the traveling Alan did.

That's probably why she kept to herself like she did.

- No Tupperman, eh? - No Tupperman.

- Try the hospital? - Certainly.

Whoa.

Talk about an uncanny resemblance.

- Oh, David. - Oh, Maddie.

- Oh, Stevie. - Oh, Stevie.

Sorry to hear about the missus.

I'm just not sure which missus to be sorry about.

I'm sorry? I don't understand.

Don't say that. If you don't understand, we're in big trouble.

Went to your house. Let ourselves in.

Damnedest thing.

Joints full of all kinds of stuff belonging to Mrs. Tupperman.

Clothes, makeup...

mail.

But not a picture of the lady anywhere.

- My wife's camera-shy. That a crime? - Of course not.

But you know what else isn't a crime?

Killing someone who doesn't exist.

Ah!

I don't know what you're talking about.

Wait a minute. I don't know what you're talking about.

But insurance companies don't pay off without a body do they.

Do you know what he's talking about?

- What are you talking about? - It was a great idea...

inventing a wife for yourself.

Who's not gonna believe that? I mean why would someone lie about something like that?

So...

a couple of years ago, you went out, bought some clothes

sent them to the cleaners once a week, opened her a bunch of charge accounts

not to mention the old joint checking.

But most important, you took out a life-insurance policy.

- When did you figure this out? - During the commercial.

- That's absurd. - So a couple years go by

business is not what it used to be.

You decide to cash in but you need a body.

To be the Mrs. Tupperman who never was.

That's why he came to see us.

Not to find a wife, to find a body.

- David, do you realize what we just did? - Found the climax?

- At the same time. - Shall we have a cigarette now?

Please don't make me use this.

- Molly. - Golly.

Alan, get into your chair.

Molly, I don't understand... again.

There's nothing to understand.

You were right, I needed a body to perish in a car accident

and you sent her to me, Stevie.

But then there was another knock at the door, another woman.

I wasn't prepared for that.

I panicked, now I had to kill two.

I invited her in, and then a funny thing happened.

We fell in love.

I knew it. I knew it, I knew it.

I knew it the minute they saw each other.

Never mind.

Hospital food.

Look at the bright side.

She's definitely not a woman who ties men up for a living.

Gotta hand it to the guy

make believe wife...

doesn't nag...

never gets a headache.

Doesn't make a stink when you stay out a little late with the boys.

And...

What are you doing?

At the end of the year

you can still write her off your taxes.

David, what are you doing?

Little off around the ears, Ms. Hayes?

What am I doing? It's not, "What am I doing," it's, "What are we doing?"

- And we are going after them. - David, untie me.

- No time. Besides, where's your sense of fair play? - David!

Molly's pushing that big guy with a cast on his leg.

We gotta do something to even up the odds.

Woah!

Whoo!

Let's go. Come on.

- Faster, faster. - I'm trying, I'm trying.

- Slower, slower. - Later, later.

Now, to lift the lids, we'll cut here.

And to lift the jowls, we'll...

lift and tuck through here.

Gangway!

Oh, doctor! Doctor!

I decided I like my face the way it is.

Give it up, Tupperman. You've been caught with your pants down, the jig is up.

Oh, yeah?

David!

High and outside, ball two.

David!

Go!

You'd better run.

Molly!

Over there.

Addison, don't--

Oops.

Get me off this man.

What are you so upset about? He's not even married yet.

♪ Some walk by night ♪

♪ Some fly by day ♪

♪ Something is sweeter ♪

♪ Cause we met on the way ♪

♪ Cause we met on the way ♪