Original subtitles

♪ Some walk by night ♪

♪ Some fly by day ♪

♪ Something is sweeter ♪

♪ 'Cause we met on the way ♪

♪ 'Cause we met on the way ♪

...26 yard line with a third down.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll be right out.

I'm putting on my pants!

You see that?

That's you.

That's you.

Oh, you're late, Clark.

You know what that means.

I gotta do some damage.

You wanna pick something?

Arm? Leg?

A hand maybe?

Oh, right, we don't wanna mess

with the fame and the fortune.

What's it gonna be, Clark?

Ugh!

♪ Every limbo boy and girl ♪

♪ All around the limbo world ♪

♪ Gonna do the limbo rock ♪

♪ All around the limbo clock ♪

♪ Jack be limbo, Jack be quick ♪

♪ Jack go under limbo stick ♪

♪ All around the limbo clock ♪

♪ Hey, let's do the limbo rock ♪

Whoo!

Very nasty fall, man.

Not a pretty picture.

A warning, kids, don't try this at home.

No, no, no.

Tough break, Simmons,

but we do have some lovely parting gifts!

Next up, our buddy Lewis

and the question that is on all of America's mind:

"How low can he go?"

Good extension. Impressive leg control.

The muscles contract, as tension builds.

The smell of an armpit, the roar of the crowd.

Is this a great moment in sports or what?

Yeah!

Hiya, boss. Back from the dentist so soon?

Limbo higher now!

Cat got your tongue?

Dr. Fishbein aim a little high with the novocaine?

So come on, say something, will you?

No.

Hang loose, kids, she got a hair appointment on Thursday.

Yoo-hoo.

Whew! Look at the steam rising off that chair.

There must be somebody pretty hot sitting there.

What do you suppose could have gotten that somebody so hot?

Couldn't have been that they walked in on a moment of fun and frolic here

at the Blue Moon Investigations.

Nah. Nobody could be that self-involved, that humorless.

Nobody could have that big a stick up their--

"Fun and frolic"? Is that what you call this?

Magic and mirth? Thrills and spills? Love and laughter?

- You think this is funny? - I sure am trying like hell.

- What if I had been a client? - What if you had been?

What if I had been a potential client and walked in here

and saw that band of zombies we call employees out there

doing your revival of Zulu? What do you think I would have thought?

"What is that man doing on the floor having sex with himself?"

- This is not a joke. - This is. A 90-year-old man walks into a sperm bank--

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Do you know what hurts the most?

Sure, you get a pimple on the inside of your nose,

then you get a cold and you gotta blow--

That's what I mean!

And people say we're not alike.

What hurts most is that you are exactly the same person you were

when I walked in here seven months ago.

That's why these clothes still fit.

I have made an effort...

to loosen up, to relax.

- To let my hair down. - Me too.

I've come to understand that when you work with someone,

you have to accept some of their style,

hope that they'll accept some of yours. Find some middle ground.

Sounds reasonable.

But what hurts the most is that I have done all the changing,

I have done all the accepting.

Really?

I think you'd find it hard to refute

that I've become more easygoing, more jovial, more devil-may-care.

Yeah, you're a regular Jan Murray.

But you have not made such an effort.

Addison, come back here. I'm not through haranguing yet.

Addison!

Don't you people have anything better to do?

You walked out of my office.

I was in the middle of talking to you and you walked out of my office!

You got it, Sherlock. Now, I'd appreciate it

if you returned the favor and walk out of mine.

You're angry? Is that what this is about?

You're angry?!

Let's get one thing straight, bub.

If anybody has the right to be angry around here, it's me.

- Oh, really? - Yes, really.

Those people are supposed to be working out there,

not limboing, and you just encourage them.

Encourage them? Is that what you think I'm doing? I have a much higher purpose.

- Higher purpose? - Yes, higher purpose.

For your information, I was out there trying to raise spirits.

- Raise spirits? - That's right.

- And you want to know why? - I can barely stand the suspense.

- Because you have a lot of unhappy employees, Ms. Hayes. - Working them too hard, am I?

This is no longer a fun place to work.

Oh, my goodness, how will I sleep?

Maddie, they were gonna leave, walk out, resign.

- And you stopped 'em? - They're still here, aren't they?

Addison, I can't work this way.

Why don't you try working standing up. I once read an article that said

- if your vertebrae-- - That's not what I mean.

Oh, David!

David! David! David!

Maddie, Maddie, Maddie.

David, I need a business partner who's a mature adult.

- Yeah, and...? - And you're not.

- I'm not what? - A mature adult.

Let me show you something.

You see that? That's body hair, baby.

You ask any gym teacher in America,

and he will tell you that is the first sign of maturity.

- And I got lots of it, all over. - Never mind!

You don't care about the business, you don't care about me,

you don't care about anything.

Okay, all right. Chill for a second, will you?

In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida! You are so serious.

You want me to apologize, I apologize.

- No, I want you to change. - Change?

Yes, change. Don't you see?

You encourage those people out there.

You set an example.

Nothing matters.

Life's a carnival. Work's a party!

That is not an adult attitude.

Well, I'm an adult and that is my attitude.

Never mind, I was dreaming.

You can't do what I want you to do.

You are who you are and I am who I am.

And the only solution is dissolution.

Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second.

"Dissolution"? What is that, Brooklyn for "this solution"?

No, that's Maddie for "I can't go on this way."

What do you want?

I don't think it matters, because I don't think you can do it.

- I can do anything. - Really?

- You can act like an adult? - What the hell kind of question is that?

I'm willing to bet that you can't be a mature adult for one week.

You're kidding. What kind of bet?

Just what I said, that you can't be adult for one week.

- How much? - How much what?

- How much do I get if I win? - Don't worry, you won't win. You couldn't win.

Well just on the outside chance that I get lucky, how much?

How about $3000?

Three grand?

Three thousand dollars to watch the impossible?

I think that's a bargain. Is it a wager or not?

A wager? Oh, baby, this is gonna be grand larceny.

If it's maturity you want, maturity you will get.

From now on, I'm gonna be a regular Lawrence Welk.

Tie my shoes, wear long pants.

I may even take up the accordion.

No, no, no, Mr. Addison. That is not what I meant by mature.

And what, pray tell, do you mean by "mature," Ms. Hayes?

I mean that when we go out on a case, we will conduct ourselves

as though at the end of the fourth grade we got promoted and not left back.

- What does that mean? - No fast-talking jive.

None of that hip-hop slop you call English.

I don't really care if "bears bear" or "bees bee"--

- Is that all? - No, that is not all.

We haven't even scratched the surface yet.

I don't want to hear any more of your lewd, sexist remarks.

About you or your whole gender?

- You don't have a chance. - What else?

You'll set an example for the employees.

Again with the employees? Mad, I gotta tell ya, they love me.

Of course they love you. They're underworked, overpaid,

and have Murray the K for a boss.

Which reminds me, no more singing.

- Say what? - You heard me.

- One doo-wop and you lose. - Oh, hold the phone! Hold the phone!

Aren't we cutting a little bit deep here?

I believe now we're going beyond the parameters of the bet.

Now we are getting into the essence of my personality.

That's not personality, that's an affliction.

No. No way. You're going too far.

I knew you couldn't do it.

Okay, all right. I'm in.

But if you're going to stop me from singing, we'll have to raise the stakes.

More money?

No, not money.

Something that really matters.

Keep dreaming, Addison.

Oh, how childish and immature, Ms. Hayes.

Everything to you is sex, sex, sex.

I'm after something that really matters.

- Like what? - Your dignity.

- Excuse me? - Limbo, Maddie.

- Come on, how low can you go? - What are you talking about?

You know exactly what I'm talking about.

You, out there in front of the employees, God and everybody.

- And what do I get? - What do you mean?

When you lose, what do I get?

- Moi. - The whole thing

or just your head on a platter?

Fine, $3000 and I limbo.

But when you lose, you will lay off every unnecessary employee.

Oh, no!

We'll give them severance pay and good recommendations,

but you have to tell them. You have to fire them.

What, did you get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?

- Do we have a bet or not? - Yeah, you bet we do.

Shake.

Sorry, just had to get that last one out of my system.

- When do we start? - Now.

Mr. Addison's office.

Mr. Addison, Ms. Hayes,

there's an Emily Greydon here to see you.

Eh, well, tell her to wait--

Show her in to Ms. Hayes' office.

We'll join her momentarily.

Okay.

- Very nice. Very-- - Adult?

Indeed. You know, I'm secretly hoping I'll lose this bet.

Really? Me too.

Mark my words, maturity is its own reward.

Couple of days of acting like an adult,

you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

I already am.

Mrs. Greydon,

uh, I'm Madelyn Hayes.

This is my associate, David Addison.

Ms. Hayes, if memory serves, you're a wealthy woman.

I've sought you out because I have a wealthy woman's problem.

- My son has been kidnapped. - Mrs. Greydon.

Please. My son, my stepson, really, is 35 years old.

I think kidnapping is a matter for the FBI, don't you, Mr. Addison?

Positively, Ms. Hayes.

I rather doubt that the FBI would be interested in what I have in mind.

You see, I'm not only looking for someone to simply save Clark,

I'm looking for someone to negotiate for him.

- Excuse me? - My son...

is somewhat of a professional...

screwup.

He's a concert pianist by vocation.

That's a gift he was born with, not something he works at.

What he works at is exploring limits.

His luck,

my patience...

the bucket's bottom.

He's a compulsive gambler. Anything, anywhere.

The longer the odds, the quicker he jumps.

I've come to understand that he...

enjoys losing, not winning.

Are you suggesting that this kidnapping

has something to do with his gambling?

There are just some things a mother knows, Ms. Hayes.

That came with my Times this morning.

They want $ 100,000,

and I'm quite willing to pay it.

It's just that I'd rather pay 75 or 50.

Let's hear it for free enterprise.

I didn't say that.

You want us to negotiate for your son's life?

Everything, anything is negotiable, Ms. Hayes.

As I said before,

I stand ready to pay the full amount.

It's just that I like to know

that I've struck the best possible bargain

before I claim my merchandise.

I'm prepared to pay you $5000 for delivering the money,

and an additional dollar

for every 2 dollars you save me.

- Are you interested? - Are you kidding?

Do ducks d-?

Definitely.

Definitely interested.

I was gonna say, "Definitely Duck, Deputy Dog's cousin."

Isn't this great? Three adults sitting around,

having a mature conversation.

This is a picture of Clark.

It was taken a year ago, intended for an album cover.

Of course, he never quite got around to finishing the record.

Mrs. Greydon, we'll do everything possible

to see that your son gets back safely.

Fine.

Just bring him back cheaply.

- This must be the place. - That's all it says, "apartment 511"?

You tend not to write everything down

when you have to cut every letter out of a magazine.

- Well-- - Listen.

I, uh, I'd like to make a suggestion here.

Yes?

I don't think it's a good idea for both of us to go in there.

- What are you saying? - I think the sensible thing--

The mature thing to do is for you to wait out here in the car.

- David... - Maddie, I know.

It smells like sexism to you.

Well, it smells like sexism to me too, but damn it,

if it means blowing our bet to protect my partner,

well, that's what I'm gonna do, because...

it just doesn't make any sense

for both of us to risk our necks.

And if we're choosing which neck to risk,

it seems to me that my thick one

is much more expendable than your pretty, long one.

Save some of this. I'll use it to fertilize my lawn.

Maddie, I mean it.

If anything ever happened to you, honey...

And here is a situation where it's not necessary to put yourself in danger.

I promise you, if I can convince these 'nappers to rap,

I'll come right out and get you.

But if they're not of a mind to talk

I'd just as soon that you were waiting out here in the car.

I guess that is kind of thoughtful of you.

Thoughtfulness.

Kind of mature.

Kind of adult.

Kind of me.

♪ Maddie be nimble Maddie be quick ♪

♪ The girl go under limbo stick ♪

Of course.

Only five flights of stairs.

Clever.

But I ain't running down five flights of stairs after you.

Through the lips, over the gums,

look out, kidnappers, here it comes.

Maddie!

Maddie! There he goes, look--

- David? - Don't let him get away!

Maddie!

- David! - There he goes.

Turn it around. Turn it around!

There he is. There he is. Go get him.

- Go get who? - Go get him.

- Whoa! Maddie! - What are you doing out there?

- Get in this car. - Turn the wheel and hit the brakes!

- Not until you get in this car. - Turn the wheel and hit the brakes!

Ugh!

Mom, will you read me a story before I go to bed?

Clark Greydon?

Guess I'm a better piano player than a kidnapper, huh?

Why did you take the risk?

They were going to kill me. Still might.

I just couldn't bring myself to go begging to her one more time.

This seemed like a fairly painless alternative.

An interesting turn, isn't it?

You don't know the half of it. Your stepmother hired us

to negotiate a lower ransom with your kidnappers.

- You're kidding! - She even offered built-in incentives.

The lower the price, the bigger the bonus.

Mom is nothing if not a great motivator.

Mr. Greydon, I hate to spoil the party, but we have a problem here.

We all have a problem, Ms. Hayes.

Although it seems to me there is a decided lesser

among the various evils.

"Various evils"?

Well, it occurs to me that there are two things we can--

you, uh, can do.

The most obvious and honest solution to our quandary

is simply telling Mother the truth.

"Your son is, in fact, not just financially bankrupt

but morally bankrupt as well."

And to prove it, staged his own abduction

so that he could extort money

from the woman who brought him up,

raised him from infancy to manhood,

even though he wasn't her natural son.

Even though he's never done anything to show his appreciation.

We can also kiss our bonus bye-bye.

- David. - Excuse me, Ms. Hayes.

Just a-- an additional consideration to be weighed

while evaluating our various courses of action.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

You mentioned a second thing we could do.

Lie.

Why, what a bold and original answer

to a devilish and thorny problem.

I never would have thought of that, Ms. H--

Your stepmother is our client. We don't lie to clients.

But it's such a colorful lie.

The two of you rescued me.

Snatched me from the clutches of those evil men.

Why, you're heroes.

Saved the apple of Mom's eye,

the money in her vault.

Hell, my way, everybody gets what they want.

You get your reward, I get some sympathy.

I know which version I prefer.

Fifty thousand dollars! I can't believe we did that.

Fifty thousand dollars. I can't believe we did that. David!

I've never done that before.

Grabbed a man by the lapels? It's okay, I enjoy it.

No, no, lie! We looked that woman in the face and lied.

And turned a tidy little profit to boot.

Who says you can't make an honest buck in America?

It seems so wrong. Part of me thinks we should have told her the truth.

Wait a second, let me show you something.

You see that? That is a check for $50,000, Maddie.

$50,000, and we earned it.

Emily Greydon came to us prepared to spend $100,000 to save her son's life.

A hundred thousand dollars.

And because of our hard work, we saved her all that money.

The circumstances are unimportant.

The fact remains that if someone else had taken this case,

she might have lost the whole bundle.

That's true, isn't it?

Damn right, it's true. We earned this money, baby. We earned it.

And I'd lie to her again.

It was the mature and adult decision.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to share the happy news

with the rest of the troops.

Hey, kids!

Guess how big a booty me and Mom bagged.

We're talking five figures here, kids.

Speaking of fine figures...

I believe I feel a little celebration in the air, kiddies.

We got no choice but to limbo, Jimbo!

Go, go, go! Yes!

♪ Every limbo boy and girl ♪

♪ All around the limbo world ♪

♪ Gonna do the limbo rock...♪

May I see you in my office, please?

♪ Jack be limbo, Jack be quick ♪

♪ Jack go under limbo stick ♪

♪ All around the limbo clock ♪

♪ Hey, let's do the limbo rock ♪

Limber up, cats and kittens. I'll be back in a flash.

♪ How low can you go? ♪

What's happening, man? I make a boo-boo?

What, are you, one of these people that takes success hard?

In my opinion, O'Neill and Jergenson are the most immediately expendable.

- What are you talking about? - I'm talking about who you're gonna let go.

- What? - We had a bet.

We had a windfall!

Are you saying that what I just witnessed

is an exception? Something that should be excused?

Because what I witnessed is exactly what I was talking about this morning.

What I witnessed was a grown man

inciting others into unprofessional behavior.

So what does that mean, the bet's off?

No, not necessarily, not if you go out there and do what you agreed to do.

- What did I agree to do? - Be a boss, not a buddy.

Boy, are you one tough customer.

This is important for you.

For us, for this place.

Okay.

All right, I'll take care of it.

Mind if I watch?

♪ ...then you move to limbo beat ♪

♪ Limbo ankle, limbo knee ♪

♪ Bend back like a limbo tree ♪

♪ Jack be limbo, Jack be quick ♪

♪ Jack go under limbo stick... ♪

Enough.

Enough.

Enough!

Ugh!

This is a business.

You're supposed to be businesspeople.

Now, come on, huh?

That's better.

Blue Moon Detective Agency. Domestic entanglement's our forte.

If he plays around, we'll track him down.

We'll catch him with his fling, take shots of the whole thing.

Black-and-white and color too. Big ones, little ones--

"Blue Moon Detective Agency. How may I help you?"

That is how we answer the phone.

Blue Moon Detective Agency.

How may I help you?

I think he hung up.

"Morning, Ms. Hayes."

"Good morning, Ms. Hayes."

"Good morning, Ms. Hayes."

Every single morning of the past seven months of my life,

I've walked through that door and you've said:

"Good morning, Ms. Hayes."

Is there some special reason why this morning isn't like every other morning?

Is there some special reason why you didn't say,

"Morning, Ms. Hayes"?

It is morning, isn't it?

I am Ms. Hayes, aren't I?

Ms. DiPesto, I'm speaking to you.

I don't think I like you anymore.

Oh, I see.

This is a group effort.

And just what have I done to deserve this extraordinary display of affection?

- You de-Daved him. - I what?

Mr. Addison. You de-Daved him.

- I de-Daved him? - De-Daved him.

Took it all away. Now there's no Dave left.

Now he's like every other Tom, Dave or Harry.

What I did, I did for his own good.

Do you have any idea how silly he would have looked,

55 years old, gut hanging over his belt,

walking around going, "Do bears bear, do bees bee?"

Don't you see? In the long run,

I made the right choice, the right decision.

Adulthood is wonderful.

There are people who've waited 10, 20 years to become an adult.

- Some, longer. - Ms. Hayes...

you de-Daved him, and that's that.

All right, I admit, I miss the old him.

I miss some of the fun, some of the spontaneity, but we'll survive.

I can be funny, I can be spontaneous.

Say something funny.

Give me a minute.

- Time's up. - Man walks into a bar!

I mean, this man walks into this bar

with a duck under his arm.

Now, the bartender notices this

and he looks at this man and he looks at this duck and says:

"Where did you get the pig?"

So the man looks back at the bartender and he says:

"That's not a pig, that's a duck."

And the bartender looks at the man and says, "I wasn't talking to you,

- I was talking to the duck." - I was talking to the duck.

Okay.

Fine.

Man walks into a hardware store, says, "I need a mousetrap.

I'm in a hurry. I have to catch a bus!"

Hardware-store man says, "Mister, I'm sorry,

but I don't have a mousetrap big enough to catch a bus!"

You're all fungi.

I de-Daved him.

I'll de-Dave them all.

They'll think it's D-Day around here, damn 'em.

Yeah? There's a woman--

In a bar with a moose on her head. I know all about it and I don't care.

Everybody is a comedian.

- What? - I'm trying to tell you

there's a woman here to see you, a Mrs. Greydon.

Mrs. Greydon!

Mrs. Greydon!

I'm sorry to come in so early and without an appointment. I...

That's quite all right, Mrs. Greydon.

Have a seat, please.

I certainly owe both you and your associate an apology.

I must have seemed very cold

that day I first came to visit you.

Bargaining for my son's life, I...

My son!

- He's been kidnapped again. - Mrs. Greydon.

I went to his apartment this morning, we were going to have breakfast,

talk, negotiate.

I'd say I'm sorry, he would say he was sorry.

I'd give him some money, he'd swear he'd never do it again.

That's what we do.

When I got there, no Clark.

Maybe he went out to get a paper somewhere.

This was on the kitchen table.

If they don't get the money by noon, they'll kill him.

By noon today?

That's less than two hours away. Mr. Addison isn't even here.

I will pay you anything you ask. Anything.

I was able to get to the bank before I came here.

I have never been so frightened in my whole life.

For this to have happened twice...

Mrs. Greydon, I promise you, it will be fine.

I probably never should have toyed with them the first time.

- It will be fine. - Oh, yes, please.

Let's hope so.

Is Mr. Addison in yet?

The old Mr. Addison or the new Mr. Addison?

Either one!

No.

- I'm gone. - Knew that.

Morning, Ms. Hayes. Sorry I'm late.

I stayed up all last night reading a very perceptive article

called "Myth of the New Male."

I am so glad you're here, David.

I could make a copy of it for you if you like.

She found this on the kitchen table.

Somebody ought to tell Clark about the boy that cried wolf.

Well, if it is Clark, no more deals like this. This is for safekeeping.

Do you think this ruins the line of the suit?

Madame Hayes.

David, I've been thinking.

- Aren't you gonna say anything? - Like what?

Like, "I know that, I could see the smoke rising from your brain."

No, of course not. That wouldn't be mature. That wouldn't be adult.

Which brings me to what I was thinking about.

You know, when I was growing up, we had this great big sheepdog.

His name was Sport. He was bouncy, friendly.

Every morning he'd charge into my bedroom, jump on the bed, and lick me all over the face.

- My kind of dog. - Please, there's more.

- Licking or bouncing? - The point is,

every time he jumped on my bed, he got my quilt dirty.

And that made Mom crazy, and she made Dad crazy,

so my father decided to take him to obedience school,

trained him to be a watchdog.

- What happened? - It worked.

He stopped jumping on the bed, stopped licking me in the face.

All he wanted to do was sit on the front porch and look for strangers.

Strangers, huh? Looking for a zipless lick?

- That's not funny. You know what happened? - Met a zipless tick?

- He got squished. - Squished?

My father backed out of the driveway and ran over him.

- Ran over him? - Ran over him.

You understand my point?

Sure, I ain't never licking your face when your father's around.

No. Sometimes it means you have to--

Let licking dogs lay?

You have to accept the dog's limitations.

Sometimes I have to learn to accept.

I mean, maybe I have to learn to accept.

Never mind.

Here we are.

- Ms. Hayes. - No, thank you.

- I miss the old David. - Excuse me?

I miss the old David, all right?

There, I've said it.

I miss him.

I want him back.

He's yours for the limboing and $3000.

I hope this little wager of ours is not gonna put a crimp on our friendship.

Current events.

- Quarter. - You can give me the voucher later.

"Phone booth, corner of 5th and Flower, exactly 11:30."

Look, "exactly" is all in capital letters.

- What do you think that means? - I think it means exactly what it says.

Oh...

Three minutes.

I don't know why we're rushing. It's not really a kidnapping.

- Is it? - I don't know.

- How much time? - Two minutes.

This is supposed to be it.

It's supposed to be here.

"Los Angeles River, 11:41.

Drop money as you enter tunnel, he's at the other end."

Easy pickup, easy getaway. Never see him in the dark.

- We've got seven minutes, David. - I'll get us there.

Seven minutes.

Come on, move it, dipstick.

- Sorry. - That's okay...

I think I like it.

Turn the wheel!

Aah!

- How are we doing on the clock? - Two minutes.

- Okay, roll your window down. - Okay, I'm ready.

Over there.

One minute.

- We're late. - Late for what?

Oh, David...

How long do you think the smell lasts?

- What? - The smell of the gasoline.

I don't know.

How are we gonna tell Emily?

I think we just tell her, that's all.

I've never seen a man die before.

It was our fault, wasn't it, David? I mean--

What do you mean?

We should've handled things differently.

You mean the time, you mean being late?

I mean that if we hadn't lied about the first kidnapping,

Emily Greydon wouldn't have hired us for the second.

If she hadn't hired us for the second, her son would be alive today.

That's what I mean.

Maddie...

we did what we did for a reason.

Yeah, 50,000 of them.

Mrs. Greydon, I can't tell you how badly we feel.

Clark... gone?

Mrs. Greydon... Mrs. Greydon, I want you to know

that our next case, our only case,

will be to find the people who murdered your son.

I'd like it very much if you would leave now.

No matter how long it takes,

no matter how much money it takes,

I give you my pledge--

I really would very much like you to leave.

We will find the people responsible.

- Leave. - And see that they are brought to justice.

Won't you please leave?

I meant what I said back there.

Between this case and that bet you and I made...

First order of business is to find Clark Greydon's killers.

- I need a nice, long vacation. - We're gonna find his killers, David.

- Maybe the Virgin Islands. - We'll help the police gather evidence to convict.

It may not wash his blood off our hands,

- but it's gotta help. - Take a vat of suntan oil.

- The look on her face... - Eat too much, drink too much.

I've never seen a man blown to bits before.

- Wait, a minute, say that again. - Say what again?

That stuff about seeing a guy blown to bits. I didn't see any bits of guy.

What do you mean, "bits of guy"?

If a guy gets blown to bits, you're gonna see bits of guy, right?

A nose flying through the air,

a finger hitting you in the face.

I wasn't really looking, but I didn't see anything, did you?

Well, no, but you were standing next to me

when his van blew to kingdom come.

Yeah, the van did, but who says he was in it?

He wasn't in it.

- Clark did it again. - Yeah.

Clark is alive! Clark is alive!

Clark is alive! I can't wait to tell Emily.

Oh!

Oh...

Oh, David, isn't life wonderful?

Just when you think you've figured it all out and it's awful,

something happens and you realize everything's gonna be fine.

And what if I don't feel like dialing "1" first?

That Clark, thinking he can pull this stunt on us twice!

Yeah, we showed him a thing or three, didn't we?

- It's ringing, David. - Maddie, ease into this.

She's already had a few surprises today.

Don't worry, if anybody understands that, I do.

Hello, Mrs. Greydon, Madelyn Hayes.

Clark is alive! Clark is alive!

That was terrific. I like the way you held your emotions in check.

You got a big career ahead of you as a blackjack dealer.

How can I be sure? Well, it's difficult to explain.

You see, the first kidnapping wasn't really a kidnapping.

It was Clark trying to extort money from you.

This is too difficult to do over the phone.

Mr. Addison and I will come right over.

And congratulations, Mrs. Greydon, to all of us.

Oh, David!

I love the part where we solve the crime.

- I could get used to this. - We didn't cause Clark's death,

and we actually earned our $50,000!

Fifty thou.

- We did that, didn't we? - Yeah, we did.

- Fifty thou. - American dollars.

The geeters, the mohanski, the mondo buckos.

♪ Your love gives me such a thrill ♪

♪ But your love won't pay my bills ♪

♪ I need money ♪

♪ Hey, that's what I want ♪

♪ That's what I want ♪

♪ Hey, that's what I want ♪

♪ That's what I want, want, want... ♪

- What? - You sang.

You just stood there and sang!

All right.

Okay, I sang. What are you saying?

- You know what I'm saying. - The bet? You talking about the bet?

'Cause if you are, it's not fair, Maddie.

We had a definite mood going. I was just--

Singing!

You're something, you know that? I don't know what.

- You were singing. - I... I was celebrating!

It was more than a doo-wop. It was a definite lyric.

You snapped your fingers, wiggled your hips,

you even closed your eyes like Ricky Nelson.

Ricky Nelson?! He's white!

So, what does this mean?

You just lost the bet,

O'Neill and Jergenson just lost their jobs,

and Blue Moon Investigations just got its social director back.

- Here's an idea. Double or nothing. - What?

I bet you, double or nothing, I can act like a mature adult for two weeks.

If I lose, we fire Jergenson, O'Neill and Maildeburg and Dane.

Addison, you lost the bet. It's over.

Now, that's what I call hospitality.

Wonder where she is.

Now, let's see if I can understand this.

- David, she's holding a gun on us. - We should've wiped our feet.

That first note wasn't a real ransom note, was it?

- Why are you pointing that gun at us? - And if one were to copy it,

and try to convince the world their son had been kidnapped--

You wrote those notes.

He was no son.

He was a professional albatross.

After that first kidnapping,

I saw the opportunity to be rid of him forever.

It didn't matter whether we were there on time or not,

that van was gonna go no matter what.

It all would have worked wonderfully

if only I had known the truth about that first kidnapping.

Sorry to spoil the party.

Shall we go into the music room?

- What are you gonna do with us? - Kill you.

I like that. Ask a simple question, get a simple answer.

- Nice piano. - Any idea how you're going to kill us?

I haven't had a lot of time to think about it.

Don't let us rush you.

- Mind if I, uh, play something? - I do.

Stop it. Don't move.

David.

David.

Worked in the third grade, still works.

Guess there's something to be said for not acting like a mature adult.

Oh, I suppose.

Mrs. Greydon.

Yo?

Mr. Addison? Ms. Hayes wants to see you in her office.

Not necessary.

Not necessary?

Not necessary.

Oh.

Mr. Addison, what does that mean?

What do you want me to tell her?

I want you to tell her not to worry.

Tell her I'm sharpening my axe.

Sharpening your axe.

Jergenson and O'Neill,

do you ever get the urge

to rip off the old tie, kick off the old brogans

and trade in this stale, day-to-day office routine for a bold new adventure?

Does the phrase "stop and smell the roses" mean anything to you?

Let me put it to you this way, guys.

How much money do you have in your checking account?

What Mr. Addison is trying to say

is that we have finally found both of you

parking places closer to the elevator.

Right?

Yeah.

Well, I would have sugar-coated it a little bit more,

but that's basically the ying and the yang of it.

Yeah. Got a minute?

- What was that all about? - What was what all about?

Are you letting me off the hook?

I don't know, maybe I am.

Maybe I'm just saving up IOUs for the day I'm on the hook.

Maybe, just maybe,

I'm trying to be nice.

Nah.

You know, I would have made you limbo.

Yeah, I know.

♪ Some walk by night ♪

♪ Some fly by day ♪

♪ Something is sweeter ♪

♪ 'Cause we met on the way ♪

♪ 'Cause we met on the way ♪