Original subtitles

This is the day room where they're all sort of

active. This is about as active as it gets, yeah?

Jack? You work here?

Every time. You know I do. I've worked here for three years.

Derek, he's deaf.

She's Dennis, he's deaf. No, I'm not.

This is Lizzie.

Am I?

Hannah.

She's in charge.

And she's my favourite in a different way.

Probably going to marry her.

She says no.

See, that makes her laugh, doesn't it?

You do, Derek, yeah.

What? I just bought something.

Are you a secret millionaire?

It's not a secret millionaire. Is it a secret millionaire?

It's not a secret millionaire, Derek. That's why I'm no.

Secret millionaire says no, though.

Do you know what I'd do if I were you a secret millionaire?

How much money would you be giving me?

20 ,000?

Er... Buy Hannah a house, probably.

And a car.

That's what I do.

He said that?

He's got a heart of gold, hasn't he?

Shame more people aren't like that, really.

How much is left?

I don't think there'll be anything left if you borrow a car and a house.

Okay. Just give it to her, then.

I don't need anything anyway.

Except Hannah.

She can have it.

Dougie.

All right? Douglas.

Come here.

Why?

To be on the telly.

I want to be on the telly.

Everyone wants to be on the telly.

Well, everybody is on the telly. Anyone can get on the telly. I don't want to be

on the telly. Why not?

Why would I want to do that?

To show... To show off how good my life is.

Yeah? Working here, looking like this, hanging about with you. This is my life.

This is where I work.

This is how I look.

He's my best mate.

Why would I want to show that off on the telly?

It's a caretaker here, ain't it?

Yeah. I'll see you later.

Alright.

Yeah, this is my little area. It's down there.

It's all just stuff.

This is the main bit. It's like my bed.

That was there.

It's all right, isn't it?

Well, I don't need anything fancy.

I know it's not like Alan Sugar's office.

The wage isn't great.

I'm spending most of my time here anyway. I get fed three times a day for

nothing.

Slippers I get, you know, hand -me -downs. These glasses aren't mine.

Someone died a few years ago.

You know what I mean? So there's other perks.

Do you know why we've got such a fast computer?

Chris Marshall gave it to us. We learned them.

Famous people here, giving us stuff. Look, that's me from Britain, before she

was thinned, before she had her stomach tied together or something.

Anyway, Chris Marshall.

You know Chris Marshall? After the BT adverts. They're not his real kids, but

he's bringing them up anyway.

My favourite thing on here is YouTube, and my favourite YouTube thing is

animals, and my favourite animal thing is hamster on a piano. Listen.

It's my boyfriend. No I'm not. Why did she say that?

She always does that.

I like old people.

They're kind.

And they're not going to be around forever, so I've been nice to them. I

old people are nicer to me than anyone else in the world. I'm nice to them.

Yeah, Mary's nice to me, but she's Liz's granddaughter.

Oh, is she? Yeah.

Nice to cut their toenails.

I can't bend down or anything.

They give me toffees.

I haven't got any toffees left.

What do you mean? You haven't got any toffees left?

No.

Well, why didn't you tell me that before I started? I've got to finish them

anyway, because they're all uneven, so.

You're a good boy.

I'm hungry, boy.

You're the nurse.

You've got to go now.

She's not my girl. Derrick, Derrick, Derrick. What? Take what you can get,

Take what you can get.

I'm not bothered.

Derrick just cracks me up.

Everybody loves him.

He's just funny. I just think he's hilarious.

Pudding, who wants pudding?

What is it?

Rhubarb crumble and custard.

Of course it is. Monday. That is my favourite. It's the rule.

Why has he already got it? Why has he already got it?

Is that bigger than mine?

Rhubarb crumble and custard.

Who turned it over?

Right.

I was watching that.

Don't turn over. Who always does that?

Look at your trousers.

Does it show?

It shows. It's all over the back. Come on.

It's just funny.

It's just funny.

I've been here about 15 years, so longer than I thought I would be.

Yeah. 15 years.

Left school, I didn't have any qualifications until I was 16, and then

job at a shoe shop, but I hated it.

A friend of mine mentioned there was a job here, like a cleaning job, and then

it just took over and, yeah, and got an NVQ, which was quite

hard to get, but I got it in the end, and I like it. I like the people I like.

You just get hooked into the job and then it's sort of taken over my life, to

honest. I mean, I have hours, you know, there are shifts, but I'm here a lot.

I'll stay here on a night off for company, if anything. They keep me

because I don't want to go home to an empty house, really.

Are you here for that week?

I'm telling you that is what I do.

That's the new lady coming in today.

Annie, start coming in.

This is Derek.

Derek works here.

Hello. Hello.

And this is Tom, Annie's grandson. Hello. Hi. Hello, Tom. It's all right,

it? It's all right, isn't it? Yeah.

Yeah. We've got your room. We've got your room ready.

And my computer over there.

Do you know Hamster on a piano?

No, I don't like Hamsters. We haven't got Hamster. We've got a piano. Oh. But

that's a different thing. I'm not in a relationship.

Not married or anything, so...

I just... It's never worked out, really. I'm probably not suited to

relationships. And I'm here a lot. I haven't got time. A lot of people meet

people at work, don't they? And I work here, so there aren't that many eligible

men.

Why do you keep hitting?

Huh? Why do you keep hitting?

Fungus.

Fungus in my hip.

Still playing up, is it? Yeah.

My two best friends.

This is sort of my gang.

When he comes in, we comes in, and Arthur goes, here comes the in crowd,

Yeah, I don't want to be part of this crowd.

I'm sort of slipped into it.

He doesn't work here. He's the best autograph hunter in the gang, probably.

the world. He's an autograph hunter, yeah. I don't feel the point in it. Bad,

mate, they're bad. What buzz?

The rush.

You're a rush.

When did your life get a buzz from getting an autograph?

The McGanns.

Steve, Joe, Paul.

He's got everyone.

How many autographs you got?

35 ,000. 35 ,000.

My mum died.

He let me move in his flat, didn't you? He's got a council flat, so he's got a

spare room, cos he said you ain't got kids or anything, have you, or married

anything? Not planning on, and that's not going to change.

No. So I let him move in.

Bit of company.

But then I was back with him all day and all night.

I've never seen Derek feel sorry for himself.

He's been through a lot, and he just gets up, dusts himself off, gets

on with it.

He's quite a guy.

She's asleep.

But she knows I'm here, she knows.

She still likes me all around, even though she's asleep.

I like her hair.

It's fluffy.

Joan.

Can you hear her?

She's sleeping.

Still asleep.

I might as well sleep.

I love Joan.

She reminds me of my mum.

Our favourite thing is doing the lottery together every Wednesday.

That's the only time she goes out.

Except the garden.

It's the garden.

My favourite is the pond. It's my favourite bit of the whole thing here.

Look. Oh, no.

Worm.

I don't know. You don't like worms?

I hate them. Why?

Because they're weird.

They haven't got a head. At least they haven't got legs like a spider.

I don't tease you with them, though, do I? So you don't tease me with spiders.

It comes out in the rain. Yeah. And then the sun dries them. I'll give it a

drink.

Is that its head? Well, that's the problem, isn't it?

I'll give it both ends in case.

There we are. It'll be all right now. I'll get rid of him now.

It's got a little house.

I saw a frog in it once, didn't I? You did? In the summer.

Sometimes in the winter, they keep warm under lily pads.

I've seen them in here before, but they are... Oh, a spider!

I'm grounded!

You have to get all this off, it's soaking!

I will, I will! You're going to get pneumonia!

You're going to get leeches or something! Leeches? What from?

Well, there'll be leeches in there, they won't, they won't... Don't take your

clothes off!

What are you filming?

Anyway,

anyway, anyway... Normal.

Make an apple pie.

I'm doing a pastry.

She's putting the apples I got from the garden.

Why do you keep looking at Tom?

I'm not.

What? Yeah, he was.

Derek. Keep looking.

He's gay, I think. Probably gay. How do you know?

He's either gay or married, because all the good ones are by my age.

Yeah. He can't be straight and single, because then I stand a chance. Chance

what?

Doesn't matter. He's gay.

I'll ask him if he's gay. No, don't. Why not?

Because then he'd know that I want to know. Well, I'll ask him and I won't

you what he said.

No, that would be stupid, Derek.

I want to know.

I just don't want him to know that I want to know.

See?

I mean, you could ask him what his favourite films are and TV programmes

stuff and then come over and tell me and then I'll know if he's gay. But don't

do it subtle.

Ask him his favourite film and then if he's gay or not. But be subtle. Just

bring it up.

My friend Hannah, she says you might be gay, right? Right. But you

mustn't, you mustn't, oh, that's good. And she wants to know, but to not tell

her. But if she just tells me your favourite TV programmes and films, then

she'll know if you're gay or not.

OK.

Tell her I love Glee.

I think it's fab.

Tell her The Wizard of Oz is my favourite film because of Judy Garland.

Yeah. And I love her daughter, Liza, as well.

Tell her my absolute fave is Audrey Hepburn. She's that girl at class.

And if she likes all of them, you tell her from me.

Mm -hmm.

You go, girl.

You do that? Yeah.

Do it for me? Ooh.

OK.

He said loads. He said, um, Glee, Audrey Hepburn.

He's got clients. I'm sorry, Derek. Listen, I'm not gay.

And I am single.

No, right, okay.

See? No, no, we were just... No, we were talking and I said that you were

probably gay.

Because all the good ones are, and then he wanted to know, and then I said,

well, why don't you ask what your favourite TV programmes are?

No, you tell me that, that's why I said that. Right, it's just that now it seems

like you're making out as if I'm coming on to you, and I'm not. No, no, no, no,

I'm definitely not, and I just, I was doing it as a joke, because he said, I

tell if someone's gay from a list of films, so I said gay films, because I

thought it would be funny, because this is why I'm single, by the way, in case

you're... Okay, well, forget it. Okay, yeah. All right. All right.

Is he gay or not?

He said he wasn't.

What's she done?

That was embarrassing.

Thanks, Derek.

It's not Derek's fault, really. It's my fault.

It's my temper. I've got a temper, as you saw. I got it all wrong.

Totally got that wrong.

Completely misjudged it.

See you later.

We're going to the pub.

He loves the pub.

Yeah, my favourite.

Huh? It's not what it used to be.

What it used to be?

No, it's always been a pub. It's just different to what it used to be. It's

changed. It's quite rowdy. And the bar staff don't say anything because they

slapped.

I was feeding Chris some geese once, right? Yeah. And then they all started

coming. I was going, bloody hell, and they were taking it out of my fingers

that, right?

And then I found a goose once. It was ill.

Where? I know it was ill because it was flat like that. It was head out like

that.

Where are you going out in public with that?

I'd like to look after old animals.

That would be good. Wouldn't it? Yeah. I love baby animals.

Grandad!

I think we should go somewhere. Why is there a tramp in

the park?

I think it might pump a girl. It looks like a pumpkin.

No, it's not like me. No, it's not.

We'll come back another day. Yeah. Yeah, promise.

Take out the poo -coloured jacket.

They are talking about me. They're not talking about you, are they? Well, why

would they not?

Oh, my God, that's what Peter found.

Darling, you can do so much better than him.

Go and ask him if he was talking about me.

Just wait here, all right?

What did you say?

Well, I can pitch her.

All right, John.

Is that it, then?

Mm -hmm.

I don't know if I can fix that or not.

It's a bit knackered. Leave it with me.

I'll come back for you.

Shit.

That's what they do with these rooms. Fill them with shit. Give them too much

space. Honestly, let's get some skips in. Clear the fucking lot out.

This is... This is his office, isn't it? We've got to go to an office.

You haven't fixed it.

You don't have to run it away.

Seriously.

She's asked me to fix it.

I've fixed it. Sorted it. Problem sorted.

In the bin. It's not worth it. See, the thing is, I don't mind fixing things

that are important.

She doesn't remember.

Yeah, thanks for coming. Lovely to see you.

All right.

Oh. Bye.

See you later.

Bye. Bye. See you.

He's a nice lad, isn't he? He comes to see you all the time.

It's not me. He comes to see.

Do you think, would there ever be a lady or a man upstairs, what could be as old

as a tortoise? That's the oldest animal.

Yeah, they're getting close to it up there now, Derek.

Average age is about 85 up there. Some of them up there are knackered. I don't

know at what point you can say a life has ended, because some of them don't

move. You know, their knees have gone, their backs have gone, their eyes have

gone, their ears have gone.

Jack, with his hearing aids, battery on the side of his head. The battery runs

out. I don't see the point of putting a new battery in there.

But what would you do if you was Jack and someone said, oh, it's not worth it?

What would you do? You'd say, no, I need the battery, please.

What would you do if you was old, like a tortoise, and someone said, oh, don't

bother with him, he's under it?

I'd save you. I don't care how old you was.

Barfing.

That's the weirdest.

Streets are, and everything, and Cleveland. This is Joan.

It's four o 'clock.

Come and do the lottery.

Well, I feel a bit tired today, dear.

Do you know my numbers?

Two, three, seven, 24, 33, 36.

Where's the money?

There's two pounds here.

Oh, do a scratch card for me.

Yeah. See you later.

Scratch card.

Bye. Bye.

Douglas. Dougie.

Douglas. What do you want? Sometimes, a cat, if a dog was chasing the cat, and

the cat turns around, the dog stops, because it's scared of scratching its

out.

But, listen, Douglas, Douglas, Douglas,

Douglas,

Douglas, Douglas,

Douglas, Douglas, Douglas, Douglas.

What?

What?

What? I've forgotten.

Answer straight away.

I'm trying to drive a butler. You're not the only one on here. We've got

passengers. If I put this round a lamp, do you know what shit I'd get into?

Just calm down. We can have a chat when we get back. We've got nothing to do all

afternoon. Do you know what it's like? It's like having a wasp in the car.

Do you know when you're driving, you've got this extra stress going on? That's

what he's like. What would win out of a suicide bomber and a shark?

Douglas. How does he drive like that? How would he drive like this, having

going on in his head? Douglas. This is what it's like every Wednesday we go out

for the lottery ticket.

We're giving it this.

Six there, a good sign.

Thank you very much.

Joan died.

I've got to tell her family now.

I'm worried about telling Derek, actually.

Joan, do you want ten pounds?

On a scratch card?

You might have been lucky.

Anna, good for her.

Joan, you won £10 on a scratch card.

Unbelievably lucky.

Hello. I can't... Brilliant.

Yeah. Can I have a little, um, with you? Yeah.

You see a good millionaire?

What?

I accept when anyone dies.

They're always dying.

See how old?

But Joan is the worstest one here ever.

She's my favourite.

Want to say goodbye, darling?

Yeah.

Wait here.

I don't.

Sorry about any times we ever argued.

I miss her.

She's not here to make me feel better.

She's here to make me feel better.

If I were used to break so much, I might... Like, I've got something...

I go, sorry, you're sorry. If it's an accident, then you're not bad.

She took me on the head.

She said, it's all right, and it won't be feel bad. It's like magic.

And she said,

kindness is magic, Derek.

It's more important to be kind than clever or good -looking.

I'm not clever or good looking, but I'm kind.

You all right, Derek? Yeah.

Are you going to come and talk to anyone?

No, I'm... No, I'll watch a deal on Odo in a minute.

Are you sure? Yeah.

Mary's come to see you.

Go, darling.

Sorry, Joan, darling. Thank you.

Have you had something to eat? Yeah, Pringles.

Is that all?

Yeah, I had a lot, though.

You don't want a drink?

Tom. All right? Hey.

Joan died.

Yeah, sorry about that.

She needs a boyfriend now, because I'm going out to marry.

All right.

She had butted a lady in the pub.

Did she? Yeah.

Yeah, it's a little Audrey Hepburn move.

Do you want to go for a drink? Yes, yeah.

Can I come?

No. How is it, all right?

Yeah, a bit sad.

Sad? Yeah.

I like you.

Oh, thanks.

Thank you.

What pub are we going to?

Maybe we should go to a different one, so you can have someone else.

She's laughing.