Original subtitles

Thank you.

Rudy, how do you know that far?

In German, man.

Always in German. You must instinctively speak German whenever you're surprised.

What chance do you think we've got of successfully escaping otherwise, hmm?

You should thank me, chump.

Thank you, Forrester.

I mean, what is there to look at after three and a half years, hmm?

Soon be over. You're escaping tomorrow, aren't you?

Shut up!

Security, you blithering idiot!

Sorry, Forrester.

Now I'll offer some black pudding.

Will I ever taste any again?

You might quite soon.

What do you mean, Prof?

It talks away for you tonight.

How do you know?

Nobody's supposed to know. If I am escaping, and I'm not saying I am.

It's obvious.

The tension in your body, the excitement in your eyes, the twitch of fear on

your lips.

It is possible to be too clever, you know, brother.

Good luck, John.

Good luck, Forrester.

and its opacity will astound you.

All 327 of us? Why not?

The Germans are getting very short on manpower.

Most of their troops... Yes, thank you, Cosgrove. It is my plan.

I never said it wasn't.

No, just that I think it might be helpful if I explain some of the thought

processes which went into it.

It occurred to me how incredibly old and stupid most of the guards are.

The new commandant can't be a day under 70.

Jerry is incredibly short of manpower.

Most of their good pods are busy fighting.

I believe that if we can put them under real pressure,

they'll collapse.

Super evening. I have no time for small chatter. I must search hut 101.

Oh, have a piece of chocolate first. I dare not have my orders if I disobey...

What sort of chocolate?

Milk!

How can everybody escape?

I mean, Hopkins can't escape his legs with masterpieces.

He'd be a liability, and he wouldn't allow that.

He's too proud.

All right, then. Everyone except Hopkins.

You're a heartless bastard, Forrester.

Your point exactly?

When the escape's discovered, all hell will break loose.

They'll have a roll call to find out who's still here.

There'll be 87 German guards and Hopkins dragging himself across the parade

ground to line up on his own.

They're not playing games here, Cosgrove.

This is war.

Just a suggestion.

Haggis Barrington's really taken Hopkins under his wing.

He's like a father to him already.

Father and son.

So touching. So moving.

Is he right?

If Hopkins said, I think Argy should want to stay too.

All right, then.

I'm not inhuman.

Everyone except Hopkins and Barrington.

Well, Barrington would be naive to Hopkins without Stefan Godbody.

Explain yourself, Arly.

Well, I guess since Stefan are in love.

How dare you?

I'm afraid Arly's right wink about a forester. I knew it from the start.

One would have to be pretty naive not to.

Why? God!

God, Borny and Barrington, rear gunners.

Now, I prided myself that at least we hadn't come to that.

Now, God, Borny, I can believe. He's a Pole.

Very excitable.

But Barrington, he's Scottish.

Well, we don't want people like that escaping and then undermining morale

home. Thank you for the chocolate. Have another piece.

No, thank you. It was very nice, but duty calls. Duty.

Never twitch.

I thought you were giving a warning signal, no?

And one for his knob.

You're going to ask for Dicticus?

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Out of... Out of us.

Einer der Briten hat was gesagt.

Das habe ich nicht verstanden.

One for his knob.

One for his knob?

What heißt das?

One for his knob?

Right, now, my plan is this.

I shall be in charge of the whole operation, Mr. Denker.

Surprise, surprise.

Well, I do think somebody has to be, and I believe I'm pretty competent in

escaping, having escaped 23 times.

So what? You're still here.

You've been captured 23 times.

This is competence.

Yes, thank you. We've been through all that, Cosgrove.

Well, very well.

Does anyone else put themselves forward?

Good. Right. Now, perhaps we can get on with it.

I shall be known as Big F, incidentally.

Now...

I plan no less than five tunnels. Here, here, here, here, and here.

They will be called Tom, Dick, Harry, Julian, and Gladys.

Julian? After my son. He's 15.

He's a fine boy, considering.

And, uh, Gladys? Would that by any chance be named after the little lady?

most certainly would not. She isn't little, she isn't a lady, and I'll thank

never to mention her again.

Still, and I thought, perhaps I go through Gladys.

Yes, that's why I call one of the tunnels Gladys. I realise that some of

aren't quite out of the top drawer enjoy the occasional dirty little sneaker.

Izzy, how soon can you make me German military or civilian uniforms for 327

prisoners?

For you, four months.

I'll give you two.

Three. I can't do it in less.

Done. Shorty, can you make up 327 sets of Ford's documents in three months?

If I have the helpers and if I have the ink, yes.

Anything to get away from the bugger?

Right. We go in three months from now, or on the first moonless night following

it.

Do you see those weeds, Donaldson?

There's water around here.

Probably an underground spring.

Oh, my God.

What?

We don't want water going into certain underground places of great importance.

Sorry, Donaldson, not quite with you.

Oh, you mean the tunnels?

God, no, never thought of that.

Shut up about tunnels, Einstein.

I know you probably can't understand us, but...

You know how bad my nerves are.

Not one escape now for a month.

Not one man in the cooler.

Not even a complaint about the soup.

That must be very gratifying.

Of course it's not gratifying. Do you think I'm stupid?

It means you are giving all your energies to something else. What are you

planning?

Absolutely nothing, Herr Commandant.

I do not believe you.

That is your privilege.

Why so gloomy, Einstein?

This sandy earth will be the ruin of my experience.

Casualty of war, old chap.

Getting the earth out of the tunnels is the real headache.

Well, why don't we use some of the tunnels to store the earth from the

tunnels?

Good thinking, Shorty.

Well, no tunnel could take more earth than we dug out of it.

So we'd end up with five tunnels full of earth, and we might as well not have

bothered to dig in the first place. Congratulations, Shorty, on fatuousness

beyond the call of duty.

Yes, as I say, it's good that you're thinking, Shorty, but do try to be

sensible.

Careful piece

of chocolate, old man.

I can't. The commandant wants to see Herr Forrester.

Which of you is Herr Forrester?

I am wing commander, Forrester.

The commandant wants to see you.

Now!

Please.

Tell me what you are planning.

Would you really expect me to?

If we were planning anything.

Which we aren't.

If you think we are, although we aren't, well, you're just going to have to try

and find out, aren't you?

How can we?

You are cracked, Ehrman.

Your resolution and invention sharpened by desperation. We are a rabble.

Leftovers.

The dregs.

Well, that's your problem.

My men can find out nothing. They are stupid.

The good men went to the front, to the panzer divisions, to Rommel, to the

Luftwaffe and the Navy.

But you're not stupid.

You said so yourself.

I am old.

What's in Welsh?

Who dare you compare work to Germany?

You really hate them, don't you?

I thought you thought Germany.

Well, I didn't know I hated them then.

I thought it was the French I hated.

Mind you, I don't like them much either.

What about the English?

I like the British.

I once took a walking tour of Offa's Dyke.

Good times in pubs. A pint of Ansel's, please.

If you make a big escape, we are all for the Ostfront, the Eastern Front of

Earth.

So, please, help us.

I'm embarrassed by your defeatism.

Me too, but I am weary.

I'm sorry.

I'd like to help you.

Oh, well.

My poor old asparagus.

No, mine not.

The escape committee wishes to interview you.

Eight o 'clock this evening. Pilot Officer Price Edgerton.

Oh, good.

Because... I've got something to tell you.

I'm sorry to have to question you like this, Price Edgerton. I know your

and he's a damn good chap.

David.

Your point, Morris?

I just cannot believe the British class was done.

No, I don't suppose you can, since you've had no experience of class.

Oh, yeah, that's right. New Zealand's a complete dump. I forgot.

Please tell us, Price Edgerton, why you crawled out from under a hut and

practically fell over one of the German ferrets.

I know it was stupid of me, but then I'm not very bright.

I had an idea, you see.

You had an idea?

Didn't they teach you at Pudsey Grammar School that sarcasm is one of the lowest

forms of wit, Cosgrove?

I know what they mean, Stan. What's your idea?

Well, I knew there was water around, and I thought there might be a well

somewhere around.

And I found it.

The Germans had built a hut on top of it.

Brilliant.

That's a brilliant idea, Einstein.

Well, I think we can all see what he's driving at, can't we?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Be nice to give him an opportunity to spell it out for himself, though.

Well, I thought the earth from the tunnel could go down the well.

Precisely.

Bang on, Einstein.

Knew you had it in you. Your mother was a lovely person.

Thank you very much indeed.

I like you.

You may call me Heinrich.

Well, thank you again, Heinrich.

You may call me Big F.

Big F?

Yes, Heinrich.

You must be digging.

Yet there is no earth.

Really? Yes.

I know you have a plan. Will you tell me what it is?

You know I can't.

Cheerio.

I didn't expect you to tell me.

Cheerio.

Here comes the difficult bit.

I almost feel a fool asking.

One can always ask.

You are right.

My request is this.

Please, may we come with you?

We know we can't stop you going, he said.

And the moment you have gone, we're dead men.

Ridiculous. Well, it's not that ridiculous from his point of view.

I mean, the bugger's probably right.

Yeah, maybe it isn't so ridiculous from our point of view. I mean, it'd make

things easier.

Huh, it would make things easier.

What an uplifting philosophy.

Look, you wouldn't be so scornful if I was Australian.

I'm sorry, Big Ed, but I think Ali's right.

Look, you're a clever chap, Prof.

intellectual, academic.

Why don't you leave the practicalities to those of us who haven't got their

heads in advance?

I was actually thinking on practical lines. It would make things easier.

There'd be no guards, no searchlights, nobody to turn the alarm.

Ah.

We'd trust the buggers.

They wouldn't need German uniforms.

That's true already.

They all have German uniforms already.

And documents.

They've all got German passports. I'll give the buggers that.

What causes most escapes to fail?

Our ignorance of German.

Well, they all speak German.

Some good ideas, eh?

For a man with his head in the clouds.

No, not you too, chump.

No, I'm sorry, Big F, but I think this idea, fantastic though it sounds, has

logic on its side.

Now, we touched on logic at Pudsey Grammar School, and I believe it's

for the Jerrys in their predicament to accept reality and make this suggestion.

I also think it's logical for us to be realists and accept their help.

I absolutely refuse.

I'm sorry, Big Ed.

It's five to one against.

You can't have democracy in wartime.

Then what the hell are we fighting for?

German man!

Once you're the other side of the wire, you won't get a second chance. I'm not

going. I'm staying here with Hoppe and Stefan.

No, as a matter of fact, you're not.

Everyone's going now, apparently.

Even Scottish homosexuals.

Sit down, big F.

Thank you, I prefer to stand.

A bit.

She lay this morning.

I thought it was the British who confined themselves to small talk about

weather. I wasn't talking about the weather.

Oh. Well, yes.

Look, were you serious about coming too?

Of course.

We have no alternative.

You can trust me, incidentally.

Well, of course I can trust you. You're a gentleman.

Takes one to know one.

You trust me, but you disapprove of my request.

Of course I do. It's ridiculous.

It is, isn't it?

Splendidly ridiculous.

The Germans have no sense of the ridiculous.

You should beware of racial stereotypes.

So, can we come with you?

Against my better judgment, yes.

Good.

We can be ready by Tuesday.

Tuesday?

The tunnels won't be finished for at least three weeks.

So there are tunnels.

Oh, my God.

Have I been tricked?

No.

You tell us what we know. There are tunnels.

What we don't know is where.

And if you wish to hide them, my chocolate -mad guards won't find them.

that we are coming with you, we don't need tunnels. We can walk out of the

Walk out of the gate?

Walk out of the gate?

Men have sweated their guts out.

We've dug tunnels. We've made air pumps.

We've laid railway tracks. We've built trolleys.

It's like the London Underground down there. Men have risked their lives.

This is a classy operation.

And we're not simply going to abandon it and walk out of the gate.

Now, that is ridiculous.

There is a right way and a wrong way of doing things, Commandant

Stuberhal.

If you were British, you'd realize that.

We only needed five tunnels in case Jerry discovered some of them. Well,

hardly relevant now that they're coming to.

So, I'm closing down Tom, Dick and Harry and concentrating on Julian and Gladys,

which are further advanced.

No chance of discussing it, I suppose.

If Hitler's a dictator, Big F, what are you?

Oh, thank you.

That's just the support I needed.

All right. I suggest we close down Tom, Dick and Harry.

Sounds like a grand idea to me.

All those in favour?

Oh, the dashing.

Yes.

You

can

spell a little bit greater.

O -B -R -G -F -R -I -T -E -R

Julian has broken through.

Julian has broken through.

We go on the 23rd or the 24th in 16

or 17 days time. Why the delay already?

There'll be no moon then.

What does the moon matter?

There'll be nobody stopping it. I reckon we should get weaving now.

It's a question of a thing they probably didn't teach you at Pudsey Grammar

School, chump.

It's called style.

You get engaged on long summer evenings, just as the western sky is flushed with

the first tinge of pink.

You get divorced on dank, dark Thursdays, when even the gunmetal sky is

And you escaped from prison camps on dark, still, moonless nights.

I would have thought there was a practical reason to it.

Yes, we'll trust you to take the poetry out of it.

Oh, yes, I'm from dull, unpoetic little New Zealand, aren't I?

My God, I'd like to correct some of your cultural misconceptions.

I'd just like to see the look on your face when I showed you Dunedin Public

Library.

Were you ever made an officer, Morrison?

So,

clear skies tomorrow night, but cloudy the night after. Looks like the night

after's the one.

Yes,

I'm not too bad.

I'd prefer to speak English, though, if you don't mind. You are our guests on

this operation.

Yes, that is fair.

In English only, then.

To a dark, moonless night.

A dark, moonless night.

Don't get up.

No, you won't.

Well, according to the German weather forecast, the night after tomorrow will

better. Yeah.

I'd fancy it exactly the reverse.

Tell me, Chum, which do you trust more, the mighty German war machine or the

rather dim third sun of an English country gentleman?

There are the dim thirds so good man's anyone we go tomorrow night

We go tomorrow night

We

came tomorrow night

We go tomorrow night.

We go tomorrow night.

Well done, Einstein.

Well done, indeed.

My men would never have found it. Yes, well, I don't like to boast, but I think

we are pretty nifty when it comes to escaping.

So, where will you go, Heinrich? Home?

Oh, dear, no. You will be marked man when the empty camp is discovered.

Switzerland, perhaps? Sweden?

Lisbon?

I might even attempt to get to South America.

Would it be sad to leave Germany?

Of course I will, Big F.

It is my home.

Can I have a word, Big F?

In private?

Well, hang on.

Pitch black.

Perfect night for it.

Well, what is it, chump?

I still don't trust them.

I mean, they're still the enemy, aren't they?

What are you suggesting?

I think we should make them go first.

Make sure they don't leave anybody behind.

I wouldn't fancy telling Heinrich that.

He thinks I trust him. He respects me as a gentleman.

And is your reputation as a gentleman more important than the success of this

escape?

Oh, no.

No, of course not. What a thing to say.

Well, then, besides... Besides?

Besides what?

They're our tunnels. It's our escape.

We should run the show our way.

I think we should make them escape first.

All right.

Synchronize watches, please. The escape will commence at...

23, 15 hours precisely.

And the first to escape will be... All the Germans.

I'm disappointed in you, Big F.

It's not a question of trust, Heinrich. Of course we trust you. We have a

gentleman's agreement.

But this is our show. You begged us, you, our captors, to come along and help

you out.

We'd be failing in our duty.

It would be unseemly.

It would lack the proper style if we didn't humiliate you a little first.

You must see there.

Yes.

Yes, I understand.

I do the same in your position. Fine. We go first.

See you on the other side of the wire. See you on the other side of the wire,

Heinrich.

You know,

I never really feel I know you, Izzy.

Of course you don't.

I hide behind a racial stereotype.

I beg your pardon?

A little Jewish tailor.

It always says, already, already.

So, who knows the real me?

Nobody.

So it's easier to get through the war?

Gosh, that's a jolly clever wheeze.

Which I thought of becoming a stereotype Englishman, and nobody have known the

real me.

Right, that's the last of the Germans gone.

After the crowd's gone through bloody spigot.

Geez, they're going to help us get out of Germany.

I really don't think you should call them crouts, especially behind their

Manners are important, as you'd know if you'd been... Oh, as I'd known if I'd

gone to public school.

By a bigot, there are times I hope I never set eyes on you again.

Well, I don't think you will.

We're hardly likely to move in the same social circles, are we?

Fawlty, why don't you be a first?

Oh, thank you.

Hang on a minute, everybody!

Oh, what is it now?

Another lecture on logic?

Einstein had an idea.

And I think it's a very interesting one.

Tell them, Einstein.

Thank you.

Well, it's this, really.

It's awfully peaceful without the Germans.

Why don't we just stay?

Tommy!

Where are you?

Has something gone wrong?

Einstein, I'm ashamed of you.

Your parents would be turning in their graves if they weren't still alive.

Well, it would be quite pleasant without them here.

Quite pleasant?

Quite pleasant?

One has to make allowances for you. You're not British. But, Prof, I'm

at you.

You're an intelligent man. How can you take this nonsense seriously?

It would have enormous advantages.

Such as?

None of us would die.

Shorty, what do you say?

Well, I like day in and not day in.

With there being no lights out, no stretches in the cooler.

It would be an awful shame to miss the asparagus.

Asparagus?

Asparagus?

It's lovely hot with melted butter.

I prefer it cold, with a good vinaigrette.

Yum, yum.

Yum, yum.

Gentlemen!

What's happened to the bulldog spirit?

What is happening?

Where are you?

Big F, what is going on?

Oh, come on, chaps. It is a prisoner's duty to escape.

But there aren't any guards anymore, so we aren't prisoners anymore.

Chump, can you help me out?

You are appealing to me for help.

Oh, please, no sarcasm.

Perhaps I'm tired.

I just don't seem to have it in me to persuade these fellows anymore.

You're young, energetic.

The stage is yours.

Prove to us that grammar schools can turn out leaders.

I'm sorry, Big F.

There's a time for ear rolls, and maybe this isn't it.

So we break out.

What happens?

Even with the help of all them Jerrys out there, a lot of us will be picked up

before we reach the frontier.

Shot, maybe.

Certainly imprisoned.

And those of us who do make it back to Blighty will find their wives in bed

other men.

And they'll shoot those men.

Right in the guts.

End up in Dartmoor.

And how many of us will fight again, eh?

One? Two?

Is it worth it when the Allies are already beginning to win the war without

How about we stay?

Oh.

I am coming back to find out what

is going on.

The Commandant's leading them back through the tunnels.

Chump, get Gladys blocked off. I'm going down Julian.

We must stop.

Careful,

sir. We don't want to lose you.

Risk I have to take, partner.

What are you going to do?

Create a roof door.

Well, what else can I do?

Well, you be careful, chum.

It'd be a bit of a bind if you bought it now.

Wait, Commander!

Big Ass, are you all right?

Oh, thank God. Get me out of here.

I'm right here.

I'm right here.

I'm right here.

I'm right here.

Let's go on a jam for the week, Martin.

Jump!

Jump!

Let's get into the bath.

I trusted you.

I thought you were an English gentleman.

You should beware of racial stereotypes.

Come

on,

you'll never do it. There's three times as many of us. We're crack airmen.

You're rabble.

Leftovers. The drigs. If a German lorry or the SS turn up now, how will you

explain what you're doing outside?

Good point.

I came

back

to wish you luck.

It's extraordinarily generous of you under the circumstances, Heinrich.

No. It is realism.

Our fortunes are linked to yours.

If you are not found out, then nobody will know that we have escaped.

If you are found out, then we will become the hunted.

Well, I wish you luck, too.

Thank you.

Because if you are caught, then we are for it.

We will not be caught.

We speak good German. We have correct papers.

We can be thousands of miles away on leaf in neutral countries.

If... You are not caught.

I also wish you luck, Heinrich, because I like you.

Thank you, Big F.

I like you, too.

Please, call me F.

Thank you.

I hope we meet again in happier times, F.

Yes.

Look, if this...

silly business ever ends, which of course it will, and you happen to find

yourself in the vicinity of Weybridge, do look in.

Number 33, Bagshot Row.

Thank you.

I'm going to turn these lights out. They don't look normal.

Yes, good thinking, chum.

Look, I do mean that. I know vague invitations when you don't give a date

often insincere, but...

It's just that I can't give you a firm date because I don't know when this damn

war's going to end.

But I do mean it.

Not a great man with an oven, but I can turn out an acceptable roast dinner.

Thank you.

Well.

Auf Wiedersehen, F.

Auf Wiedersehen, Heinrich.

You were bang on with that lorry, chum.

And that was a very clever remark you made back there at the gate, aren't you?

When you lay on the email.

Why don't you do that? In German, always in German.

We don't need that now. We're all allies.

Far from it.

Supplies will be arriving. There'll be telephone calls, inspections.

Everything will have to seem just as it was when Jerry was here.

So that means, precisely, we're going to need bags of jellies.

Jerry's to run the camp, Jerry's to answer the phone, Jerry's to run the

cookhouse, Jerry's to accept supplies.

I'd estimate that we're going to need at least a hundred of us turning into

Jerry's overnight.

God in heaven.

Well done, Shorty. You've just volunteered.

By tomorrow morning, if a laundry van arrives, delivery van, whatever,

Everything must be absolutely normal.

The place must be stiff with German guards.

May I just say, Bigger, since I know you weren't in favour of this particular

course of action, how must we admire the wholeheartedness in which you've drawn

yourself into this operation?

No, chump, you may not. There isn't time. But thank you. Well, I'm a

face facts.

The past is dead and gone.

How true.

Now, does anybody have any ideas where we're going to find a hundred Germans?

First of all, Everyone who speaks German.

Sounds reasonable.

All those I've made German uniforms for already.

Good thinking.

Ah, but do we know how many of the men who have German uniforms speak German?

That's a very good point, George.

We must find out.

How many of you speak German?

Good, thank you. Put your hands down.

Wie viele von euch sprechen Deutsch?

Four.

Look, how come 17 of you say you understand German, but then when I ask

many of you speak German in German, only four of you put your hands up?

Come on, chaps.

I don't want lies. I don't want wishful thinking. How many of you can really

speak German?

Four. I can't count.

Oh, God.

So, if any Germans turn up at the camp tomorrow, they'll find four men in

uniforms who can actually speak German.

Perhaps we should find out how many of those who don't have German uniforms

speak German.

How quickly can you get me nine German uniforms made?

For you, six days.

Two days. Four days.

Done.

It is possible that some of the German uniforms I made for prisoners who don't

speak German already might be some of the nine German speakers who don't have

German uniforms already.

I'll pee what I can do.

Right. Now, I'm going to become the camp commandant. Oh, surprise, surprise.

Yes, I'll pretend you didn't say that, chump, to spare you the shame you'll

when you recall what you did say. I don't want the job. I don't want to be a

German. I'd like your job.

My job?

You're going to be the unofficial leader of the prisoners.

You'll be known as Big C.

Aren't you bigger?

I'm touched.

Don't be a chump, chump. You're the obvious man.

Well, I get some escape plans drawn up straight away.

Escape plan? You don't need to escape now, you chum.

No, I've got to do something.

It's a little question of what we at Pudsey Grammar School would call style.

Yes, well, there's no time for style now. We've got work to do.

Do you have a German uniform at Fitzpigget?

Good thinking, Prof. No, I don't. I must.

How soon could he make me one, is he?

Will you? Twelve o 'clock this morning.

Six o 'clock. Nine o 'clock.

Done. Off you go, then. Get away.

He's gone already. Yes, I see.

Right. Now.

We're going to have to teach a lot more men German pretty damn quick.

Who should do that, do you think, Shorty?

Oh, no.

No.

Anyhow, another casualty of the war.

Now, you... better pull your finger out, young bird.

Try this.

Never in the field of human conflict.

So much been owed by so many to so few.

Hi, little up.

Right.

Come along here, you nut.

Stop. How can I measure you if you move?

I'm not at all happy about your backside.

Not happy at all.

Hello.

Well,

check his papers, find out what he's bringing, hold him up as long as you

ring me back when he's gone, and pray.

What's wrong with my backside?

It doesn't fit my trousers.

Hi, Lidler.

Hi, Lidler.

What's going on here?

There's nothing to hear about.

Why can't people be sexed like clones?

Hello? I told him we're all new.

I told him the Fuhrer's had a new idea.

Rotation of staff.

Yes. I was quite pleased with it.

He's gone to the cookhouse.

Well... Does he?

I'll sell him my parrot.

Big F. Look, he's gone to the cookhouse.

No one there speaks German.

This isn't the time for your fictions of fiddle battles. This isn't the time for

loving roles. No.

It's just that you're flying around, Doc.

Hello? Heil Hitler!

Heil Hitler.

Ich bin der neue Kommandant. Oh, ja.

Die Angestellten im Umlauf bringen.

Wieder einmal eine gute Idee des Püres.

Heil Hitler!

Heil Hitler. Was haben Sie uns gebracht?

Verfolgte alte Kartoffeln für die englischsprachigen Hunde.

Ah.

Aha. Also, in Zukunft möchte ich, dass Sie gute Kartoffeln bringen und eine

Auswahl an Wurzelgemüse und Grünzeug.

Gute Kartoffeln? Eine Auswahl an Wurzelgemüse?

Etwas Grüns?

Für die englischen Schweinehut? Ja, das ist ein Neubefehl des Führers. Heil

Hitler! Heil Hitler.

Naja, solange er sein Befehl... Ja, so ist das.

Er will, dass die Gefangenen gut ernährt aussehen, wenn die siegreichen

alliierten Truppen eintreffen.

Die siegreichen Alliierten toben? Ach, wussten Sie das nicht?

Wir werden den Krieg verlieren.

Tut mir leid.

Barrington! Barrington!

Are

you

Barrington? Do you not know that I am?

Well, say here.

Can you not say that I'm here?

Everything has to look like a normal German camp.

And in a normal German camp, the prisoners say here.

So, please, just say here.

Nothing well here.

Thank you.

Barton? Here.

I'm fully understanding the necessity for all this palaver, unlike them. Shut

up. That's a bit rich.

The chap fits in, does what he's told, gets a rocket.

Look, we have to do things properly.

You have to say, here.

Look, fully understanding the necessity for all this palaver, unlike some.

Supposing everybody said, fully understanding the necessity for all this

palaver, unlike some.

We'd be here all day.

It's a lecture now.

I thought things would be fine when the Germans are gone.

Seems some chaps are getting decidedly edgy. Shut up.

Who says to edgy?

We still need more Germans.

You two will become Germans as from 1 ,200 hours. Do you understand?

On second thoughts, I'm not sure I want you on my side. You can ignore that

order as far as you're concerned, Haggis. Come on, Patton. This is utterly

unfair. He refuses to say here and swears. All I do is say... fully

understanding that... Shut up!

Ah,

I have to inspect your hut.

Fair enough. Can I bribe you with a piece of chocolate? Oh, you certainly

I don't accept bribes.

I have a job to do.

Well, the German guards always accepted bribes.

I don't care what the German guards did.

I don't.

Besides, I'm absolutely full. I had a lovely steak for lunch.

Steak? We have mints.

Minced horse.

Actually, I could hardly finish mine. I'd rather gorge myself on caviar.

What's German for Land of My Fathers?

Borderland.

I like tits, Beth.

Really?

I'm a legs and arse man myself.

Straight tits.

Blue tits.

Cold tits.

What did you say?

Sorry, I thought you... Sorry.

I think it's rather horrid to talk about women like that, as if they're just

bodies and not people.

Yeah, of course, you're right. I'm sorry.

Talking about women, Einstein, have you ever, you know, had a girlfriend?

No, I haven't.

What do I talk to them about?

I've never got the hang of all that conversation, lad.

Stop idling!

Haven't you got work to do?

You, come here.

Come off it, Burton.

Look, when I say come here, I mean it. Hold on, but that's stupid.

I don't think you'll be calling me stupid again in a hurry.

Message for you. The commandant can see you straight away.

Do you think he was just entering into the spirit of the thing?

No.

I think he was enjoying his power.

Bound to be some, I suppose.

You have a complaint, I believe.

Yeah. Vartan just hit me.

You want to watch him, Big F?

Thank you. I think I know how to control my men, Big C.

But that can't be your complaint, can it?

Because you'd asked to see me before he hit you, so unless you're psychic, you

could hardly have asked to see me to complain about that.

No. Mr Grubb, you have stakes.

Caviar. You are prisoners of war.

We're all prisoners of war.

And don't tell me it's a question of style that you have caviar while we have

mince, otherwise I'll throw you up yours, Big F.

Oh, do, that would be so stylish.

No, it's a question of necessity, chum.

I find I can go that far and no further. There are Jerrys coming into the camp

all the time.

And I find I've inherited certain black market perks, which it's difficult to

turn down without arousing suspicion.

I do have to maintain some authenticity.

Pity, really, most of the chums hate caviar.

German? What's that?

German?

German? Speak German?

Yes.

Very good, John. Yes.

It could be quite so hard.

I had to maintain some authenticity.

You bastard.

Hello? Hier spricht Kommandant Stuberhalle.

Hier ist Oberst... Von Steffenberg, von der SS.

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

Ich bin ein Freund Ihres Bruders.

Ah, mein Bruder, ja, ja.

Wie geht's ihm?

Wie es einem nur gehen kann, der seit 18 Monaten tot ist.

Ach, der Bruder.

Er hat nie von einem anderen Bruder gesprochen.

Wir werden Ihr Lager morgen inspizieren. Ich sage Ihnen noch vorher Bescheid als

Freundschaft zu Ihrem Bruder.

inspection tomorrow morning.

Oh, okay.

That's better.

Herr Hitler?

What?

Glaubwürdig sein.

Sorry, I still don't understand much German unless it's spoken very slowly.

Dann lass uns hoffen, dass die SS morgen sehr langsam

sprechen werden.

You do not say come in in English.

Inshallah. Yes, well, English will do for now.

It'll be quicker.

Tell me this.

How many of your students could pass as pucker jerrys?

In proper conversation, maybe seven.

Oh, God.

Be words about the weather, nice day, blah, blah, blah, plus a few simple

commands. Maybe another 12.

Yes, unfortunately, we can't guarantee that the SS will stick to a few words

about the weather, night, day, blah, blah, blah, can we?

So that your seven, thus, I don't know why, but the nine... Who is he who's got

uniforms like this?

That makes a total of 21 people, including myself, who can safely be

speak German, out of a German workforce of 112.

Some could be off duty, out of the camp.

Some can be shift workers and asleep already.

Good. Good. Let's say 20 asleep and one day off in seven.

Seven into 112 is 16.

16. Thank you, Prof.

16 plus 20 is 36.

36 away from 112.

76.

76. Thank you, Prof.

76 minus the 21 who can speak German leaves... For you, 55.

55. 55 supposed Germans who can't speak German. Well, what am I going to do

with them?

Laryngitis.

55 German soldiers with laryngitis.

Highly convincing.

Thank you, Ali.

Could be German laryngitis.

Like German measles.

Only attacks Germans.

Don't be ridiculous, Izzy.

One little question about Ali's idea of which you were so scornful, Big F.

Do you have anything better?

Laryngitis it is.

Oh, God.

Herr Hitler.

You are not tidy.

You are a dirty schwein.

You're so right.

My sex life is legendary in parts of Glasgow.

Also, you are insolent. Also.

Wie viele sitzen im Bar?

Im Moment, keine.

Keine? Wir haben die alle ziemlich unter Kontrolle. Aber diesen wohl nicht.

Sie.

Come on now, move it, you homosexual Scottish bastard!

What is your name?

Unfortunately for you, I understand Polish, and I have no intention of

cabbage.

Wir haben da einen guten Mann.

Ja.

Wie

finden

Sie die Stimmung unter den Gefangenen?

Kehlkopfentzündung? Oje.

Eine ganz schöne Epidemie. Fast 200 Fälle inklusive der Gefangenen.

Weitermachen.

Sind all Ihre Leute Dummköpfe? Ja.

Was? Die beste Männer gehen in die SS.

Ja, natürlich.

Das ist nicht leicht für Sie.

Sie.

Wie finden Sie das Lageleben?

It's as beautiful as the mouth of the Mawak, the holy land of the Hygelians

the Gervetians, from Dol Gethlai to the coast of Vamuthret.

The fennel cake.

Diese Suppe ist für die Gefangenen. Wir bekommen andere Suppe.

Selbstverständlich. Kelle!

Schnell!

Holen Sie mir den Koch.

Herr Helter, haben Sie diese Suppe gekocht?

Ja, Herr Oberst. Ist die nicht gut? Doch.

Die ist sehr gut.

Die ist fürchterlich.

Das verstehe ich nicht. Sind Sie alle bescheuert?

Ich will, dass die Suppe für die Gefangenen ungenießbar ist.

Dunn.

Sauer.

Schrecklich.

Verstanden. Jawohl, Herr Oberst. Ich verstehe.

Is this Hagin?

Yes, it's me, Stefan.

Be brave.

Der dreckige Hund.

Wie heißt er?

Haggis Berlinton.

Haggis? Das ist sein Spitzname.

Die Gefangenen sind sehr kinkig. Das bezieht sich auf ein ekelhaftes

schottisches Gericht, das in einem Schafsmagen zerführt wird.

Großer Gott.

We meet again, Haggis. The pleasure is entirely yours.

And what do you think of life in the cooler?

It's not too bad.

It's a bit like living in Glasgow.

What's up there?

Ausgespiegt, Stube Halle.

Ausgespiegt? Seit ihrer Übernahme des Lagers ist keiner gepflichtet. Ich weiß

auch warum.

Sie wissen warum?

Gibt es hier einen Papagei?

Ja!

Weil das hier wie in einem verdammten Hotel zugeht.

Darum!

I shall

speak

to you all in English for the last time.

After today, we only speak English.

To the prisoners.

And we give them a miserable time.

Miserable. Is that understood?

You're enjoying this.

Come here.

Come here!

How dare you speak to me like that?

You only declared yourself Commandant. We haven't elected you.

Elected? Of course you haven't.

This isn't democratic now. We're Germans.

And it's turning you nasty. And you're bad enough when you're British.

Shut up!

What do you want, hmm?

Anarchy?

Do you want to be found out?

What do you imagine the SS would do to prisoners of war masquerading as juries?

Huh?

You!

You can just stick to teaching German.

And incidentally, you can cut out all that Welsh propaganda too.

If I hear one more man singing Cardiff, Cardiff, Uber, Alice, I'll have your

guts for gutters, you short -arsed Welsh shit.

You all asked to stay here.

I didn't.

Well, now you've made your bed and you can...

It's sauerkraut on it.

You will be nasty at all times. And you will look as if you are

enjoying it. Is that understood?

I will enjoy it. The master race was a brilliant idea.

Only we'd thought of it first.

Excuse me.

This soup really is absolutely disgusting.

One week in the cooler. March him away.

March him away!

Look, I... I have no alternative.

I have my orders.

Please don't tell your father.

Meads? Here.

Meeker? Here.

Morrison?

Morrison?

Say here, please, Morrison. No, this is bloody stupid. We're all on the same

side. Do you realise that if the SS rumble what's happening, we'll all be

One word is all I ask. No.

The SS aren't here now, so it's bloody stupid.

You of all people.

Oh, yes, a New Zealander leading a rebellion. What a turn -up.

Two weeks in the cooler. March him away.

Yes, you, uh... You don't have to enjoy it quite so much, Barton. No!

Leave them alone.

Chump, my men have loaded rifles.

You wouldn't order them to shoot me.

I might have no alternative.

They wouldn't.

If they realized that you were seriously threatening the stability of the

situation, they might have no alternative.

My God.

Wachen!

Legt an!

Legt an! Das ist ein Befehl!

And pull over the prisoner's head. We'll give him a warning first.

Then we'll see if he understands.

Fire at will!

Once.

Disgusting.

Really first class.

Really bad.

Congratulations.

Machen Sie so weiter. Ich komme wieder.

Better than the cooler, eh?

I'll say.

Makes you appreciate all this, you know.

There's a meeting with the escape committee in half an hour.

We'd like to co -opt you onto it.

Me?

There are vacancies.

Shorty and Big F have left.

Resigned?

Not exactly.

Now, we haven't told them about the meeting.

It's a secret.

Uh -oh.

But why me?

We'd value your advice.

Well, I pulled this meeting because things in this camp are getting

unbearable. And I think there's only one thing for it.

What's that?

We're going to have to escape.

Let me get this right.

You're suggesting we escape from our fellow prisoners?

That's right.

Without telling them.

Do you and Charlie trust him?

Do you trust Big F?

He's hardly in a position to report us to the SS.

It'd be more fun not telling him.

Alan is right.

My only regret will be we can't stay to see the bastard's face when he finds out

we're gone.

Aren't we condemning all the guards to a dreadful fate?

What'll happen to them when we've escaped already?

Nothing.

When they find out we scarpered and they know they can't report us to anybody,

they'll come too.

If they haven't that much sense, they don't deserve to escape.

Prof's right, as usual.

So, how do we escape?

Deep tunnels.

But... Well, maybe I'm being stupid, but don't we already have tunnels?

Yes, but Big F knows where they are. But... Well, no.

No, go on, Einstein.

Well, because you're all clever, I think you think Big F's cleverer than he is.

But I don't think any of them would ever be clever enough to think that we'd

even think of escaping from our allies.

So I think we should save time and use the tunnels we've got.

I think Einstein's right.

So, do we use all five tunnels? Or the two that are only blocked?

Or just the one?

Just the one. It'll be quicker to get ready and easier to guard.

All those in agreement?

Yep.

Right. First thing tomorrow morning, we unblock Owley.

Yeah, well, I didn't really fancy calling it Julian anymore.

And I thought I'd name it after you because, well, I thought you were dead

the way you stood up to Big F on that roll call.

Anyway, we know how much it would annoy him.

Well, I, uh... Well, that's really, uh... Oh,

hell, I can't have tears in my eyes. I'm a New Zealander.

Yeah, well... You still got all those civilian uniforms, is it? Sure I got

So why should I destroy them?

So when did Izzy Leveson ever destroy good material? So, you tell me. Yeah,

right, OK.

Thanks.

Now, we're going to need somebody to replace Shorty on documents. I'll do it.

You?

Well, sorry to doubt you, but what qualifications have you got?

Well, why do you think I wear glasses?

From pouring over documents.

What were you, a clerk?

No.

A forger.

A forger?

What, do you think your deal is too dull to have criminals? I'm a forger.

Forged my way into the Royal Air Force.

Well, that's good enough for me.

Afton!

Afton!

Chair!

Lefty, go now!

Where are you going? To the tunnel.

I want the others to investigate.

If you want.

Bring her here, Dobbin.

He thinks you might be trying to escape.

Little does he know, eh?

Thank you.

Owly's unblocked.

So when do we go?

Einstein, any ideas on the weather?

It'll be overcast a couple of days yet.

We could go tomorrow, then. I agree. If we delay, the war could be over before

we escape.

So if the war's ending already, why don't we just wait?

It was meant to be over before the first Christmas.

I won't believe it's over till it's over.

We've got to escape.

Big Ethel hates it.

Who agrees we go tomorrow?

Chump?

Do we have anything to say to each other?

Well, I hope so, Chump.

As a matter of fact, I'm rather churned up at the moment.

Oh, churned up, Big F, why?

Well, it's the big day tomorrow and it puts me in rather an odd position.

You mean you know?

Well, of course I know.

I didn't know you knew.

No, wait a minute, you didn't know I knew what?

About my trip to Berlin.

Berlin? What are they for?

To see the Führer.

He's giving me the Iron Cross.

The Iron... Why?

Because nobody has escaped from this camp since I came here.

You find it funny?

Well, I mean, it's a bit ironical.

Ironical? Well, a British officer receiving Germany's top military medal,

Oh, yes.

Yes, I can see that it's ironical. I'm just...

Just surprised that you care, Bigsy, that's all.

I didn't tell him. What's really ironical is that just as he's getting

Cross because nobody's escaped from his camp, we'll all be escaping from his

camp.

Achtung! Präventiert das Gewehr!

Augen links!

Dankeschön, Smithers.

What are

you

doing with him?

You've heard of carrier pigeons?

Carrier parrots are one better.

He's a carrier parrot?

Or where's his message?

In his head.

That's why they're one better.

Who's a pretty Allied Polly, then?

I'm escaping through Stalag Luft.

Help! Help!

I'm away with birds.

You're a marvel.

But what happens if he flies to the Germans?

Oh, he won't.

Have faith.

Alles ruhig.

Alles ruhig.

What's German for cocoa?

Cocoa.

How are we?

Up on your namesake.

Sorry.

Hello,

Schubert Halle. Heil Hitler.

No one has escaped from their position. Good.

Well done.

You deserve

this.

Danke schön, mein Führer.

Sie sind ein guter Mann.

Rommel auch.

Göring... Möglicherweise Himmler ebenso.

Der Rest ist nicht zu gebrauchen.

Wir haben absolute Nulpen im Stich gelassen.

Das tut mir leid. Nein.

Die Welt zu beherrschen ist nicht alles.

Ich habe mal als Maler angefangen.

Mag sein, dass ich wieder zum Maler werde.

Diesmal stelle ich weniger Anforderungen.

Ich habe es satt mit Ambitionen.

Keine große Kraft.

Zwei Leute und ein Überwachen.

I have discovered some color tones.

Would you like to have a look?

English? English?

We're in the process of escaping from this camp.

Good Lord!

Congratulations!

Except, well, I could have said you're the trouble.

I'm about to capture it.

Oh, don't worry.

Wouldn't have missed it for the world.

It's been fun.

Well done.

This may sound a silly question, but did a parrot tell you to come here?

Good Lord!

A parrot did arrive in our midst.

Hurrah! Well, no.

No, not terribly hurrah, actually. There wasn't any message.

All it said was, Heil Hitler.

Oh, no.

I'm afraid we strangled it.

Oh, you didn't.

War teaches you to hate.

Oh, is this man English, too?

No. I'm a New Zealander. Oh.

Bad luck.

Oh, no. Not you as well.

Right, men.

We're going in.

Avocado dough.

Warmer piercing.

Golden apricot.

Very impressive, my dear.

Buttermilk.

Herr Paprika.

Danke schön.

Herbstbecher.

Eine reichhaltige und beeindruckende Auswahl, mein Führer. Mein Gott!

Ich bin schmerzlos umgekehrt.

Eva, ich muss mehr massiert werden.

Gehen Sie!

Hand up!

Resistance is useless!

We have you surrounded!

Don't shoot!

There are many Germans in the camp at all!

So where are the Germans?

It's a long story.

Heinrich?

What brings you to Berlin?

You're not.

I'm not sure I remember how to.

Hitler has given me the Iron Cross because nobody's escaped from the camp.

You make me laugh. My chest hurts.

What's happened to you? I thought you were going to escape easily.

Stupid accident.

I had all my papers stolen.

I couldn't go to the authorities.

A commandant who had escaped from his own camp.

I have lived with the rats. I have breakfasted in sewers.

You ruined my war.

Sorry.

If it's any consolation, I feel as if I haven't had a good war either.

How's my parrot?

Oh, thriving.

He's had a good war.

I'd like to see him again.

Tell me that.

How will you survive?

By being terrified of dying.

I'm so sorry.

You're a good man.

No, please, don't. Terrible things happen to good men.

You've become a cynic.

Are you surprised?

Look, how would you like my iron cross?

What's it worth?

The honor.

Well, I'd better go. I've got your camp to run.

The irony is, I run a harsher regime than you ever did.

Goodbye, honey.

Goodbye, F.

F!

I will.

Will what?

If I'm ever in the vicinity of Fairbridge.

Vielen Dank.

Hello, chaps.

Is this man British, too?

No. He's the German commandant.

Chump?

Chump?

Chump?

Einstein? Prof?

Shorty? Easy?

Howly? Speak up for a chap.

You can see he's German. He's got the Iron Cross.

No, no. Serbs.

Play fair.

Come clean.

This... This just isn't cricket.

Einstein. You're a price edgerton.

Think of your father.

My father's a cruel thought.

Good effort.

But rather overdone.

I'm always cautious about racial stereotypes.

I've never lied to him.

Nothing personal, but there won't be much room for people like him in the

classless post -war Britain.

Look.

Shorty, my old Welsh friend.

Owney, my old Kiwi mucker.

Izzy, Izzy, I can help you. I know a committee member of the Finchley Golf

There's one foolproof way to find out.

Never fails.

Look, there's been a terrible misunderstanding.