Original subtitles

Yes, it seems odd that I'm secretly burying something

in a random field.

Hey, get off my land!

Aoife, abort!

It's the farmer! He's behind me!

Wah!

Leg it!

Oh, here comes the rewind.

Excitement overdrive. Last game of the season.

Win, and we get promoted.

Hear me, we shall be winners!

Out the way, chumps.

Ha-ha! You just got called chumps by a guy with a metal detector.

This is state-of-the-art,

with precise positioning to locate buried treasures from the past.

Shut up before anyone hears you.

How dare you call us chumps!

Yeah, we're one game away from promotion.

Slay!

Bona fide hoopers.

So no-one will ever call us chumps ever again.

Hey, chumps.

I suppose you heard.

We won our league yesterday. Hmm!

So? We're going to win ours, too.

Welcome to Aoife's fantasy land.

You won't win.

Ha! Well, Aoife's fantasy land also has a pool,

and a multiplex,

and the Vipers are going to get promoted!

Wait, that's Aoife's reality land.

Ha! You know what I mean.

We will win!

I find a simple gridding approach the most methodical.

Oh! Can he even hear himself?

Cringe! And he has headphone hair.

Not long before I make a find that will put me in the history books.

He said we'd get rich doing this.

Let's bail.

For, lo, he did scour the fields of Midvale,

and many treasures did he unearth to great acclaim.

And they did call him Conor...

DETECTOR BEEPS

...finder of...

...rusty screws.

OK, we need to beat the Chasers.

Jim, what you got?

Right, I've been watching vids on the Chasers,

doing vital research.

Lowdown? They're unbeatable.

Great. So positive.

I am positive...

...that we'll lose. You're our coach!

You must have some kind of strategy?

I do.

We say

we can't play

because we got caught up in a bank heist.

DISTANT SIRENS WAIL

Oh, we don't need this!

We can win! We just need to train hard and stay focused.

Well, then someone better not get distracted or annoyed.

What? THEY GASP

OK, I promise.

Literally nothing will make me distracted or annoyed.

I'm so distracted and annoyed!

I need to do match prep, and I can't concentrate with the stench.

This is history.

Breathe in the aroma of bygone kings and queens.

What? And bygone sheep and cow poo?

And half a toilet seat?!

A bit of persistence

and anti-bac.

I'm sure Conor could find the other half.

He could end up being a local hero.

Ah, here it is!

So could the Vipers if we got promoted.

The Vipers?

Zero chance.

I'm on my best behaviour.

I will not rise to the bait.

Delusional losers.

De-losers. BOTH SCOFF

AOIFE WHISPERS: We'll see who the real de-loser is.

Hmm. Ooh, what's going to be Conor's next find?

Hmm?

An 100% authentic rare Roman coin.

Made in China.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

AOIFE GRUNTS

Yeah, I probably should be training with the Vipers,

but I snuck out for a sec to honour our "local hero".

What are you doing, chumpy?

AOIFE CHUCKLES Just a jog before my must-win match.

I had a lovely chat with a little old lady who was walking her dog.

She said something about a Roman settlement here, and then...

Wait, stop.

Tell me more.

She had a Bichon Frise.

No, I mean, I've never heard there was a Roman settlement in Midvale.

She said it was...

...here.

But history was never your strongest subject.

Says the person who thought Plato invented modelling clay.

AOIFE SCOFFS You'll never find anything.

Stand aside, sad sack. Ew!

Excellent. That's three more training sessions, to be fair.

If we keep this up - Vipers, promotion, check!

You've actually managed to stay focused.

Are you OK? Trust me.

This match, it's all I've been thinking about.

Behold, I've hit the jackpot!

Not the reaction I was expecting.

"Tell us about your amazing find,"

said nobody ever.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, detecting is lame.

This could be worth millions.

Er, and also well interesting.

So, er, how do we get the cash?

We? Exactly!

All those hours searching, and now we have this amazing find.

Oh, wow, you found an 100% authentic coin.

You should tell Holt.

You think? Yeah, he'll probably have a big hero's reception just for you.

And the whole school will be there, worshipping you all.

We might even get a day off!

AOIFE LAUGHS What is so funny?

The coin, it's legit fake.

How'd you know?

I planted it. Best prank ever.

This is exactly the kind of distraction

we warned you about.

It's just a joke.

Honestly, what's the worst that could happen?

It won't dig itself!

Buffoons! I'm surrounded by buffoons!

I need a wet wipe.

Aoife, this is not good.

Ha! It won't affect our match prep.

Now, let's get our run in.

You, have those children removed and/or tasered.

This is a restricted area!

I mean, a little tasing will be fine!

Get a move on!

Tasing children is not fine.

Chill.

The dig will be outside.

I'll see you never dig again!

It's not like they'll be taking over the school.

Move along!

History has claimed this domain -

Process swiftly...

You heard the man! He's an archaeologist, damn it!

Clear the area!

Excellent marshalling.

A pleasure. Dr Ford, I presume? Mm-hm.

I'm Mr Holt, Headmaster of Midvale.

Midvale? This school we're standing in.

This is a school?

I thought it was some sort of detention centre.

Ha-ha! Yeah, yeah, very nice of you to say.

Big fan, by the way.

Your work at Rutland was seminal.

Well, a team effort.

Yes, I did a lot of heavy lifting.

I've just ordered rather an expensive

Roman coin collection myself, awaiting delivery.

Magnificus!

Let me know when it gets here - I'll sign it, no charge.

Gosh, thanks.

I've always wanted to do what you do. It's so important.

Yeah, but not for the faint-hearted.

The heat, the dust, the snakes.

Airport security queues.

Joking! We always travel premium.

MR HOLT LAUGHS

Hilarious maximus!

That is I.

The eminent Dr Ford, of all people!

It says here he used messages from his dreams

to make his discoveries.

A maverick that gets things done his way.

Sounds familiar.

Look, if we want to get a cut of the cashola,

we need to look the part.

THEY SIGH

And all this happened... Because of my find.

What? Your find? Well, you've got a big dig to get to

and I've got these inmates to deal with.

Hard labour always worked back in the day,

but a public flogging is always good to fall back on.

Glorious times.

Shoo! Shoo!

I found that coin!

Yes, on school premises -

therefore legally I get credit for it.

But we've got hats.

Which I shall be confiscating.

Aoife, this has gone too far.

I know, but training for our match is way more important,

period.

I'll fix it after.

Everything will be OK.

Oh, no!

You can't close the gym!

Of course I can.

It's the ideal spot for work quarters.

Perfecton. Work?

There's a bed over there!

We have a must-win match coming up.

Ah!

Whose idea was the bed? Brilliant.

Ha-ha! That's mine!

Er, I may have drooled slightly.

Er, just turn the pillow over.

So we have to miss a vital training session just so you can have a nap!

Not a nap.

In deep meditation, I traverse oceans of time...

...and I embrace the shadows of the past.

Er, what?

He dreams of his past lives and makes his discoveries.

Yes.

I dreamt of Midus Valeus in all its glory.

What? And then I saw it now.

Right, as discussed, the gym is closed.

Now, exi!

And you, get me a new pillow!

DR FORD CLAPS

Wait! So now we have nowhere to train

for our most important match of the season?

Aoife, you need to fess up.

OK, I'll do it now.

Like, so touchy.

A full-scale dig at my school.

Marvellous.

12-year-old Mr Holt would be elated.

What about you? Hmm.

12-year-old Jimmy would be outside playing footy on the pitches

if they weren't closed.

Right, own up, suffer a teeny detention,

win the match, and then hopefully everyone

will stop shouting at me.

If anyone took this joy from me now,

there would be actual hell to pay.

Fiery, grisly hell.

I would take everything they love away from them

and then just laugh evilly.

MANIACAL LAUGH

So new plan... say nothing, and make a new, new plan.

OK, if I come clean, Holt will take away everything I love!

Kittens? Obviously, but mostly basketball.

And then we won't get promoted.

So, new, new plan - keep quiet and train

wherever, whenever we can.

Er, slight health and safety issue.

Training near a dig site?

D'uh, everywhere else is closed.

We'll just have to be super careful.

Ah! Aoife!

And this is the brush I used at Rutland.

AOIFE GROANS

Sable bristled.

Can I hold it? No.

Can't be touched by human hands.

Except for mine. Yes. No, I-I knew that.

Look at Holt.

That's my hat!

And Ford is so full of himself.

I can show you this humdinger.

Second century.

Found it in Newstead.

Are you even allowed to have that?!

I can do whatever I want on my digs.

Including choosing my own team.

Really? You think you could get me in?

I've got my own trowel.

Perhaps.

It could get rough.

Six straight months in the Bahamas.

I've got some holiday saved.

Hmm.

Keep digging!

I say we go over there, take the hat

and make Holt talk.

No, it's too heavy-handed.

We just have to appeal to his conscience.

Holt's my uncle. I know he doesn't have a conscience.

He once claimed he made Christmas dinner,

including trifle,

for our whole family.

This is chocolate, Mrs Reynolds.

I specifically asked for sherry trifle.

Turns out it was made by the old lady next door.

Right, we need to start a campaign.

Truth detectors, for the truth.

So, apparently, training next to heavy machinery

is quite dangerous.

Who knew?

Solution - we'll train here instead.

Hardly anyone uses it, so...

Oh, sorry. The court's taken. Bye.

AOIFE SCOFFS You don't need both baskets.

Actually, we do -

for our jackets.

There's only one way to fix it.

Match. Winner gets dibs.

Yeah, losers back off.

JESSICA LAUGHS Ah!

But you already are losers.

You won't be saying that when we beat

the Chasers and get promoted.

Oh, I will.

Because you won't.

You're only saying that cos you don't want to play with us,

cos you know we're better than you.

Fine. Let's settle this now.

Aoife.

? This is a journey. ? Yes!

Aoife! Yes!

Go on, Char!

Woo!

Yes, Nyla!

Here! Aoife!

Yes, Nyla! Yeah, shoot!

CHEERING

Justice for Conor.

That's me, by the way.

Yeah, give him justice.

You really think all this is going to work?

You seem to have forgotten that I was the one

that found that coin in the first place.

There is no way Holt will get full past me

without me noticing.

Let me take you inside for some luncheon.

Not with my eagle eyes.

So much for your eagle eye.

It appears I may have underestimated Holt's stealth tactics.

So we wore these geek shirts for no payday?

Told you. May as well give up.

At least I can fall back on my modelling career.

No!

We still have one more card to play.

We call in the one who can make even Nero quiver in fear.

Flapjack? Made them myself.

No, thanks. More of a cookie man.

But if you made them...

Mm!

Come on, Aoife.

Yeah! APPLAUSE

Yes!

Time out! WHISTLE BLOWS

They're really good! Annoyingly.

So are we!

So let's stop toying with the Cobras and just smash them.

And then we can focus on beating the Chasers.

Yeah! Remember why we're here?

Because you planted a fake coin?

Yes, but, no!

Promotion! Let's win this!

No, we're calling time-out.

Time-out. Yes, come on!

Let's go! Snaking our way back in front.

Go, Vipers! Woo!

So now I've totally made up for my Roman coin prank?

You still shut down the gym.

Yeah, but look at us now!

Result! Woo!

Er, maybe we can keep this between us?

It's a fake?!

So, yeah. Thanks, Jessica.

I booked a ticket to the Bahamas.

I bought a floral print shirt.

You can still pull it off.

Some fake tan and it's a slay.

I dug up half the field.

All because of Aoife's prank?

Oh, right. Blame me for everything.

You should make an example of her.

Cancel their last match and tell everyone.

No!

Mention this to anyone and I will hunt you down.

I have to cancel Antiques Roadshow!

I was finally going to meet Fiona Bruce!

Play the game if you want, but just get out of my sight!

Calm.

Remain calm.

Just go inside and think of a solution.

Any second now.

Take a deep breath and...

Help me, please.

Anything.

KNOCKING

Mr Holt.

What now?

Conor found that coin, and I insist he gets recognition for it.

Yes, that's true.

Conor was the one who found it.

He was completely responsible for all of this.

Yes. Yes!

Yes!

I will give you full credit for everything.

And that's how it's done.

Back of the net!

Yes!

Thank you.

Ah!

For the first time in my life, I'm riding high!

Dizzying! This is amazing!

After years of not manifesting, we're rich!

Er, what's going on?

Mum got Holt to admit the whole dig was down to me!

Oh, no! Stuff salad.

This calls for something deep-fried.

Let's get a takeaway!

And you should book that holiday.

I quite fancy-a Sicily, Mamma!

Yes! I mean, "Si, ciao, Italia!"

Er, maybe we should wait a bit and stop with the silly accents?

Er, why wait, signorina?

After dinner, I'm a-calling the national paper!

OK, round up.

First, the Vipers were like, "Big match coming up."

We're one game away from promotion.

No distractions.

100% authentic rare Roman coin.

But then my prank got a smidge out of hand...

This is a restricted area!

...and ruined sport for everyone.

Ah! Aoife!

Including the Vipers.

We have nowhere to train for our most

important match of the season. Oh, no.

And Jessica blabbed. It's a fake?

And now Holt blames Conor.

Conor was the one who found it.

Mum got Holt to admit the whole dig was down to me.

So Mum's like... "Ciao, Italia!"

I quite fancy-a Sicily, Mamma!

If I play the match and say nothing,

then Conor gets the blame.

So I feel morto bad-o.

So that's why I'm going to do this.

I have something to tell you.

So, you planted a fake coin?

I'm really sorry.

Wait, so Holt knew this and is going to let Conor take the blame?

Right.

The nerve! Letting my son take the blame for your mistake,

swanning around in your little history bubble.

Well, it's about to burst, Mr.

Let him have it!

Yes, queen!

LAUGHTER

Now, you'd better sort this.

Fine. I'll go and admit to everything.

But I'm taking Aoife down with me -

so you can kiss goodbye to basketball.

AOIFE SIGHS Disaster.

Come on, brain, think.

We just need to get the entire dig away from the school

without Dr Ford finding out the truth.

Simples. Ooh, amazing idea.

How?

Delivery for Mr Holt.

Ah, my Roman coins!

Take a look. Now, these are authentic.

I know, we should just plant those coins

in a different field to lure them away.

Maybe if I pull this off, you might actually let me play in the game?

That is the most ridiculous, outlandish plan

I have ever...

If you pull this off, I'll let you play the match.

And that brings us back here.

See? I told you this would be easy.

You still have to get Ford to leave the school

and move the dig here before we can play the match.

Yeah, the nightmare's not over.

Nightmare? That's it!

I know exactly what to do.

Any finds yet?

Just half a toilet seat, sir.

Uh!

Right, time to go to work!

What now, servants?

DR FORD SNORES

Emperor Caligula.

You mean Clangula?

She means Caligula!

Whatevs.

You may speak.

Those special coins that are worth a lot of cash

that you told us to hide from those, er, bad guys?

Well, we didn't bury those very valuable coins

in the field outside of school.

We actually went way over the other side of town instead.

DR FORD GROANS

So, not in Midus Valeus?

No, near the Super Save.

Oh, I mean the Roman marketplace.

Cool. CLANGER CLAPS

Now, where are my snacks?

They're digging in the wrong place!

Right, fire up the diggers!

We are moving!

ALL: Yes!

I've, er, printed off my resume,

and I brought you a hip flask.

I'll call you.

Ready my chariot!

But... you haven't got my number?

They're going, so we can play?

As long as I don't have to spend another

picosecond in your company, do what you like!

OK, so, I know we've not trained much,

but we humbled the Cobras and we moved the dig.

So we're getting promoted,

and nobody's standing in our way!

WHISTLE BLOWS Foul!

This ref literally hates us.

? Now there comes a time when it's time to roll

? And if you don't wanna move, you can lose your soul

? You can't sit back being comfortable

? You're going to have to answer, yes or no

? The whole world wants an answer... ?

WHISTLE BLOWS Foul. Push foul.

? No more banter

? We need to find out where you're at

? Are you prepared to act or a scaredy-cat?

? Cos things about to get rough

? You can't shrug and pass the buck... ?

WHISTLE BLOWS Foul.

? You been waiting round long enough

? The moment is here... ? Foul, Vipers.

Touch arm.

What?!

? It's time

? You better stand up... ?

WHISTLE BLOWS Travelling.

Time out! WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

? It's time. ?

We'd be winning if it wasn't for him.

The fact SOMEONE forgot to pack our boots doesn't help.

Yeah, sorry.

But we are the better team.

We're seconds away from a promotion.

We need a two-pointer.

I'll make the shot. Trust me.

ALL: Go, Vipers!

CHEERING

CHEERING BUZZER SOUNDS

WHISTLE BLOWS No basket.

What?! Time was up.

Basket doesn't count.

But it was just before the buzzer.

Yeah, score's good. WHISTLE BLOWS

Final decision.

APPLAUSE

This is so not fair.

We have to say something.

What's the point? Yeah, it's done.

The ref had it in for us.

It's all over. Forget it.

I told you you could trust me.

This is definitely not Aoife's fantasy land.

This sucks.

Listen. Yeah, they lost.

Job done.

AOIFE GASPS Wait.

What?

? Do-do-do, do-do-do-do

? Do-do-do, do-do-do-do. ?

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