Original subtitles

THEME MUSIC PLAYS

? Doo-doo-doo Doo-doo doo doo

? Doo-doo-doo Doo-doo doo doo. ?

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

Who became Queen of England in 1558?

BUZZER Aoife, Vipers.

Queen Beyonce I. LAUGHTER

Incorrect. BUZZER

Queen Beyonce II? LAUGHTER

Next question - why is Aoife absolutely humiliating herself

in public? Aha.

BUZZER To answer that,

I think we need a rewind.

You're leaving the team? I've been meaning to tell you.

Ah!

Why?! Is it because I forgot your birthday?

Or the time I accidentally set fire to your trainers?

No. Or when I hid your sports bag

and then a squirrel weed all over your socks?

For once, this isn't about you.

Ah! A bit rude.

It's always about me.

I've been selected by a new school.

"St Cerebellum's School for Geniuses."

Why? Is Midvale School too dumb for you?

To be fair, our website's got a spelling mistake on the main page.

Has it?

Oh. We've got a maths test coming up.

St Cerebellum want to see my result.

You leave it to me. I'll find a way to keep us all together.

You're making this about you again.

That is generally how this works.

How are you doing? New perfume?

Eh, I love what you've done with your hair.

Looking tall. Ooh, nice chin!

Conor, what are you doing? Reading facts.

Did you know a banana is technically a berry?

Did you know you'll never get a girlfriend

if you're always on your phone? Yeah, well, I don't especially want

a girlfriend, so... Well, of course, you do. Hey,

talk to this one. About what?

Say summat interesting.

Did you know there are thousands of tiny insects

living on your face at any one time?

Wow!

No. Go back to your device.

But you told me to say something interesting.

Some people value knowledge.

Quiz Club?

INDISTINCT CHATTER

What is the national flower of Japan? Cherry blossom.

Yeah. I didn't even know our school had a Quiz Club.

Yeah, it's been going since 2023.

The year of the Barbie movie. Sweden won Eurovision.

And it was Chinese year of the rabbit.

Oh, we were all wishing each other a hoppy new year.

It's like I've finally come home.

I've got it!

A way for the Vipers to stay together as a team

when Zara goes off to genius school -

we all go to genius school!

What? You mean we crawl in through the sewage pipes

like a reverse prison break?

Disguise ourselves as cleaners?

Sell fake uniforms and... I mean, we apply and they let us in.

But it's genius school and we're not geniuses.

Anyone can be a genius. Isn't that right, sir?

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Absolutely not.

But with the right teaching, we can scrub delusions like that

right out of your brains.

You see, we have terrible teachers.

We need a good one. Like who?

Zara. Aha.

So Zara's teaching us both a combination of maths and basketball

for today's maths test.

Or, as I like to call it, "mathsketball".

No? OK.

Ready, Zara?

Nyla, use your V-step in the corner of the isosceles

to draw the defender away.

Char, bounce pass to her from the back of the obtuse.

Aoife, advance from the equilateral and receive the pass for a shot.

LAUGHTER Yes! Exactly.

Aoife, work along the hypotenuse.

Remember, it's the longest side of a right-angled triangle.

Exactly like that. Yeah.

Right angle!

Hypotenuse!

Well done. Well done.

Right, out of the gym you lot. We're setting up for the maths test.

We're revising for it now, sir.

Doesn't look like maths revision.

Well, that's because you can't see all the shapes and stuff.

Ah, ah, ah!

Never mind. If this is revision, tell me, what have you learned?

Well, any two sides of a square triangle

are equal to a prime...

...hippopotamus.

I didn't say that.

She means a cute hippopotamus.

Zara, are you OK?

It's just...

I can't stand wrong answers.

It's like I'm allergic to them.

It's not easy trying to educate these people, is it?

At least you'll be at a decent school soon.

I'm stuck here with this lot. No offence, girls.

Ah!

We're so going to prove him wrong.

Bye, Conor. Bye, Conor.

So... Bye, Conor. ...how was geek squad?

HE LAUGHS It's called Quiz Club, actually.

And the first rule of Quiz Club is,

everyone has an awesome time.

Everyone else in there is a girl.

It is predominantly female.

LAUGHS: Geek squad's for girls!

So lame.

Are you joining us for the school quiz tournament, Conor?

IMITATES BUZZER Answer - yes.

And for a bonus point, I'll bring the biscuits.

You're so funny!

What did I just see?

I seem to have developed some rizz.

What?

Rizz. It's a slang term derived from the word charisma.

It means... No, I know what it means.

I invented it.

How did YOU get it?

He must have hypnotised them.

You have 90 minutes to complete the maths test.

No electronic devices.

No talking.

And if you need the bathroom, clench.

I can't wait for everyone to go to genius school with you.

You may turn over your papers...

Wait for it!

...now.

The trick is to stay focused.

Don't get distracted,

cos when that happens, time starts to fly,

and your brain starts to wander.

And the next thing you know...

Time's up. Pens down, everyone.

What?! How did that happen?

What did you get for the question on fractions?

That's a drawing of a badger in a cowboy's hat.

It's better than leaving it blank. It's not!

For the next one, you've ticked all the answers.

It's a multiple-choice question.

I've put multiple answers.

SHE SIGHS

Are you OK?

Aoife, I don't think you're going to genius school.

We can't all reach your level.

But we can bring you down to us.

Swap paper with me. Hand him mine.

You mean cheat? But that's wrong. I'd basically be a criminal.

It's not cheating if you get the answers wrong.

Mm!

Remain seated.

I'll pick them up.

Sorry, sir.

I hate getting things wrong.

Then you'll have to leave Midvale,

and you'll never see the Vipers ever again.

You can't do that to us.

Three highlighter pens?

You could start a stationer's with that.

Sorry, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Genius comes in many forms.

What is going on with you?

Messages from the quiz girls.

Gosh! That's a lot of kissy face emojis.

HE LAUGHS

Conor's got a girlfriend.

Wait, Conor's got a girlfriend.

A girlfriend? Don't be silly.

I don't have a girlfriend.

I've actually got three girlfriends.

How did that happen?

I don't know. I sort of just a-acquired them.

Th-they're sending flirty memes. What do I do?

Relax.

Lucky for you, I've had hundreds of girlfriends.

Maybe thousands.

We'll handle this. Don't worry. You can thank us later.

You cheated on the test?!

You seriously think you're going to get away with that?

Of course, I am.

What do you think's going to happen? Holt suddenly walks in and says...

Something most unusual has come to my attention.

It would be unprofessional to discuss test results

in front of all these people.

But, Zara, what went wrong with your brain?

You were terrible.

Utterly dreadful.

It can't have been that bad, sir.

Question 12, she just drew a picture of a badger

with some kind of sieve on its head.

Must have just been the pressure of moving to a new school.

Well, that pressure's off.

I'm withdrawing your application.

BOTH: Oh, no.

At the other extreme, Aoife, follow me, please.

Does he know I cheated?

Is he taking me for a lie detector test?

Is this the school's prison?

ENTRY PAD BEEPS

You can lock me up, but you'll never imprison my spirit.

Welcome to the elite lounge,

a place for Midvale's highest achievers to relax and mingle.

Help yourself to pastries.

It's Mocktail and Manicure Monday.

We like to keep things alliterative.

I don't understand.

No, I don't understand

how I overlooked your potential for so long.

Can you forgive me?

Oh! Intruder alert.

Sound the klaxon. No!

Aoife's legit - one of our best.

Happy to be a member.

She can't join.

We're full. Which is why I'm removing Zara's name

from the honour roll.

Now I feel a bit bad.

Oh, and I must remember to sign you up for Theme Park Thursday.

Hope you like stretch limos.

But this time, maybe I'll find the strength to overcome that guilt.

Job done.

Between us, we replied back to all your geek friends for you.

Sorry, girlfriends for you.

Thanks, guys. I really appreciate it.

This is a goat scratching its bottom against a lamppost.

THEY GIGGLE You're welcome.

And this message -

"I promise to have your name tattooed across my face."

Romantic gesture.

Trust me, girls love that stuff.

I have to delete all this before they see it.

Well, if it's so stressful having three girlfriends, dump them.

But which one? They are a perfectly-balanced quiz team.

Layla travels a lot - geography.

Heidi does athletics - sports.

And Aisha plays violin.

Food and drink!

It's like I need a spare version of myself to keep up with them.

Of course, that's it!

A theme park trip with a sleepover via stretch limo?

Perks of being a genius.

But, Aoife, you're not a genius.

You cheated and now you're getting rewarded for it.

We're all being rewarded.

Zara gets to stay on the team

and gets a break from the pressure of being a genius.

Don't you, Zara?

MEOWING ON PHONE

What? I'm trying to watch cat videos.

Wow, she really has let herself go.

Aoife, we've just installed a new sound system in the elite's lounge.

Test it out for me?

And I'm in Holt's good books for a change,

which is good for everyone.

Isn't it, Zara?

Zara?

MEOWING

She's not listening. Fine.

BELL RINGS

Behold the Conor-bot. The Conor what?

The Conor-bot. The what-bot?

A digital app that talks to my girlfriends on my behalf.

What are you on about?

CONORBOT: Allow me to explain.

I'm Conor-bot. Great to meet you.

That is so weird and freaky.

In other words, exactly like Conor.

THEY LAUGH

You may scoff, but this baby

is keeping my romantic relationships alive.

Isn't that right? Sure is, buddy.

I sent personalised DMs to all your girlfriends

and a happy birthday gift to Layla's mum.

Thanks, Conor-bot!

You're welcome, big guy.

It called him big guy.

Hey, Conor. I loved that clip you sent. So funny.

You totally get me. I knew you'd like it.

I have no idea what she's talking about.

I think I hate him.

Music is proven to help brain development,

so feel free to skip classes any time,

come in here and use this.

Thank you, sir.

Anything for our newest school genius.

Now, what will it be? Bach? Mozart?

Er, you choose.

Top boyband Boyosphere it is.

? It's all about just you and me

? Don't nobody wake me up... ?

Conor-bot, write a poem for Heidi

and send Aisha a photo of some dolphins and a rainbow, please.

Will do, Conor. You're the boss.

CHUCKLING: And don't you forget it.

Intruder alert!

Sound the klaxon!

KLAXON BLASTS Er, back off, bro.

I'm allowed in here.

Official genius.

Aoife, y-you got your head caught in the neighbour's cat flap... twice.

You are not a genius.

She is...

according to her maths test.

? Walking in the moonlight

? Just you and me... ?

She's spoiling the lounge for the rest of us.

This can't be her. She must have cheated.

? We fall in love

? Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh... ?

I've got an idea.

SHE SCOFFS

Jessica, have you got a make-up brush?

Duh! Why do you ask?

? Don't nobody wake me up

? Cos girl, you are Ah-ah, ah-ah

? The star of my...

? Girl you are Ah-ah, ah-ah

? The star of my dreams... ?

We were thinking, now you're a genius,

you must want to sign up for the school quiz tournament tomorrow.

Er...

No, thanks, it wouldn't be fair on the other teams.

Hmm, then we'll dust your test paper for fingerprints

and find out who really filled it in.

On second thoughts, I'd love to do the quiz.

If your team beats mine, you can stay.

But if you lose, you can forget all about Theme Park Thursday.

And...

FIREWORKS FIZZ AND POP

...Firework Friday.

You won't even make it to Waffle Wednesday.

Hmm!

But we're rubbish at quizzes.

Look at what happened in the maths test.

That was a test. This is a quiz.

It's a team game.

Plus, we have a secret weapon.

Zara!

But Zara's changed.

She's gone bad.

It's been one day.

She can't have a complete personality change in one day.

HE VOCALISES ANGRILY

Sorry about Zara's behaviour, Sir.

I'll go have a word with her.

Thank you, Aoife. Maybe she'll listen to you.

AOIFE SIMPERS

We need you in the quiz team.

Thought I'm meant to be a dummy. You are.

But you can whisper the answers to me and I'll get them right.

So Zara answers the questions, but you take all the credit...

...again?

Well, she can't go straight back to being clever.

It'd look suspicious.

She has to fail for just a bit longer.

How much longer?

Let's say until after my theme park sleepover.

We look forward to encountering you in the field of intellectual combat.

We certainly do.

Obviously, phones are banned from the quiz.

But... But, sir, I need this.

Not for cheating, for emotional support.

Nice try. No phones.

Don't worry, big guy. I've got an idea.

Hello, and welcome to Midvale Challenge,

where top swots go noggin-to-noggin in a general knowledge showdown.

Let's meet the teams.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi, we're the Vipers.

My name's Aoife, and this is my team -

Nyla... GROWLING

...Charlotte... Hey.

...and Zara.

Lovely.

Hi, I'm Conor, and we are the Brain Boxes.

My team-mates and girlfriends - just saying -

are Heidi... Hi.

...Aisha... Hey.

...and Layla.

Hello.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I could've been down there,

but I'm actually banned from quizzes for being too clever.

Brain Boxes, I see you've brought a team mascot.

Yeah, just a harmless old teddy.

Pay no attention to the teddy.

CONORBOT VOICE: Victory will be ours.

Sh! Er, no phones allowed.

It's... it's not a phone,

it... it's a mascot. It's cheating!

Oh, you want to talk about cheating, do you?

Never mind.

Fingers on buzzers.

What is the highest mountain in Africa?

BUZZER Aoife, Vipers.

Kilimanjaro.

Kimbilinjanio.

I'll accept. Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BUZZER

Anne Boleyn.

East Berlin.

Easter Island.

Northern Ireland. Correct.

Joan of Arc. Correct.

Noah's Ark.

The Cutty Sark. Correct.

BUZZER

Jurassic Park.

Correct.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

At the halfway mark, it's level pegging,

with both teams on 94 points.

But Vipers, I have to say,

Aoife really is doing all the work on your team.

She's certainly earned that genius tag.

WHISPERS: Oh, stop it.

SLURPING

Erm, why don't you try and answer one or two questions yourself, Zara?

Nah, not going back to old Zara.

What? Never?

I prefer the easy life.

Next question.

Who threw that?

BUZZER

Zara, Vipers.

Is the right answer.

Next question - what are you going to do about it?

HE GASPS

What have I created? Think it's time for a quick recap.

I only wanted to keep the team together.

That's why I decided to try and be a genius.

You may turn over your papers.

Which didn't work.

That's a drawing of a badger in a cowboy's hat.

So then we swapped test papers.

Which was pretty awesome, actually,

because I get to go to the VIP elite lounge.

Help yourself to pastries.

With a theme park sleepover.

But now I've turned Zara into a total monster.

Zara, this is your last and final warning.

Last and final mean the same thing, you pompous muppet.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Right!

She understands. Please, just give her one last chance.

There's only one way out of this - total personal humiliation.

Fingers on buzzers.

In which Jane Austen novel would you find Mr Darcy?

BUZZER

Aoife, Vipers.

Jane Austen and The Prisoner Of Azkaban.

Everyone knows that's wrong.

It was The Chamber Of Secrets.

BUZZER Aoife, Vipers.

Queen Beyonce I.

Incorrect.

BUZZER Queen Beyonce II?

No. LAUGHTER

When was the Battle of Hastings?

BUZZER

Tuesday? Dear Lord, no.

The name for a baby swan.

BUZZER

Nigel. What?!

William Shakespeare's final play.

BUZZER

In the Night Garden, Part Three: Revenge Of The Ninky Nonk.

Oh, please. LAUGHTER

HE GROANS

You must get this one.

In three-on-three basketball,

how many players are on each team?

BUZZER

Is it two million players and a German tortoise called Brian?

Stop! I can't let this go on.

You look really stupid.

You're not listening to any of my answers!

Your answers?

Yes! My answers!

Just as I thought - Zara's helping her.

Er, so what? You're using your phone.

Nonsense! This is just a stupid mascot.

Who are you calling stupid?

Sh!

Don't tell me to shush, Conor.

Conor, why is the mascot talking?

Oh, ignore it, it's nothing.

I'm not nothing.

I'm your boyfriend.

What?!

Yours, too.

I've been sending those messages, not him.

Is this true, Conor?

Well, well, I mean, er...

Technically, er... It's true.

You've been clownfished.

HE LAUGHS

It's catfished.

It's all me.

Conor doesn't know you at all, not like I do.

This is creepy.

I've had enough.

Come back!

I love you!

OK, not sure what happened there.

But the Brain Boxes are down to one team member,

so, Vipers, you need to nominate someone.

Erm...

Zara, you're the only genius in our team.

And I'm sorry that I took credit for all of your quiz answers.

And the maths test.

I knew it! She is an impostor.

KLAXON BLASTS

Aoife, I'll deal with you later.

For now, fingers back on buzzers.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BUZZER Prince of Wales.

BUZZER Killer whales.

BUZZER Killer bees.

THEY CHEER Mr Beast.

Mr Bean.

Fava beans.

Yes!

Father Christmas.

White Christmas.

White blood cells.

Incorrect. Red blood cells, you fool!

Don't call me a fool.

I created you - I could destroy you.

You wouldn't dare.

BUZZER Sulphuric acid.

Correct. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You made me miss one.

Don't blame me. You're weak, Conor.

BUZZER Simone Biles.

Correct.

I-I wish I'd never built you.

You can't destroy me. I'm too powerful.

Hush now, little bear.

VOICE DISTORTS

Thanks.

Think I needed that.

And with that, the final scores are Brain Boxes 136,

Vipers 137.

And, with that, I declare the Vipers Midvale Quiz champions.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So now that you're all single again, who fancies pizza on Friday?

I part-own the restaurant, so...

Can I get a stuffed crust?

Zara, it's so great to have you back.

I was never really cut out to be a genius.

Which is why I'm revoking your access to the elite lounge.

Hand over your pass.

What? You never gave me a pass.

Didn't I?

Oh.

SHE LAUGHS No!

Ha! Let that be a lesson.

No Theme Park Thursday for you.

And for cheating on the maths test,

that's detention for both of you for a month.

A month?! Won't Zara have gone to genius school by then?

No. Today has shown that Zara benefits from being

surrounded by lesser minds.

Wait, what?

He means dummies like us.

Speaking of dummies, is your brother all right?

Well done, Zara.

You deserved your win.

You were a tough opponent.

Have you thought about joining Quiz Club?

We meet every lunchtime.

Maybe.

So I lost the elite lounge, but we got Zara back,

so everything worked out OK.

DIGITAL GIBBERING Argh!

That's what do you think.

I will have revenge on all humans.

I'm a super-intelligent AI.

It's OK.

VOICE DISTORTS AND GARBLES

SHE LAUGHS

No-one likes a clever clogs.

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