Original subtitles

SHE SIGHS So, I know what you're thinking.

Give me a Y...

...am I rolling in a bin with some pompoms?

Eurgh!

Go, rewind!

Mum, where are my basketball boots?

Outside in a bucket of water. You stepped in something.

Eurgh.

Think it's time for a new pair.

And that's going to cost about a bazillion quid.

Yes! Another instalment of Delma pay!

Cha-ching! It's Delma payday.

Every month since we were little,

our rich Auntie Fidelma sends us 100 quid.

Conor uses his for...

Hello, investment club? How's the market doing today?

And mine's supposed to be for cheerleading classes.

Oh, slight detail.

I never really took to cheerleading, pretty much ever.

SLOSH!

Auntie Fidelma literally never comes to visit, so it's fine.

Auntie Fidelma is coming to visit!

Uh-oh.

I need to get the place spotless!

You just cleaned. You're right.

This is how she gets me.

This time, I'll meet her snipey meanness with...

...zen-like calm.

? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh... ?

I know. Rather than re-tidying the whole house,

we could just pretend that we've been abducted by aliens.

I've been telling you for years to come clean about the cheerleading.

Ha-ha! You're toast.

I'm not worried.

She'll be too busy to come watch me cheer.

"Can't wait to watch Aoife cheer."

ALARM SOUNDS

I'll just explain I'm a basketball player.

She'll understand. Yeah.

Although, she'll probably expect you to repay all the money.

I wouldn't put it past the...

? Ooh, ooh, ooh... ? ...lovely, kind person.

She's hardly kept track of exactly how much she's sent.

MESSAGE TONE

"Excited to see how Aoife has used my �6,840."

Oh...

CAR HORN HONKS

Cheerleading? Oh, yes. I dabbled when I was little.

You still are little. And perfectly formed.

Yeah. So, can you teach me?

Sorry. It was between that and majorettes.

I went with majorettes. Aren't they the same thing?

They're quite different disciplines, actually.

Cheerleading combines dance and acrobatics...

Stop! I don't have time for an essay on the differences

between cheering and majoretting.

Is this going to be a thing? Because we have a big match coming up.

It's so not going to be a thing.

I just need a cheer teacher, and pronto!

You know, I heard a rumour once that one of the teachers was

a champion cheerleader.

Who? Is it the librarian, Miss Shushy?

No. It can't be Jim, although he does play the spoons.

No. Is it Sergio, the surprisingly agile caretaker?

You know, the one with all the dance trophies?

I don't know who it was. It was just a rumour!

Ugh. But...

Yeah? ..there is an old cheerleading costume on display

in the theatre department.

To the theatre department!

Wow!

ANGELIC MUSIC PLAYS

Whoa.

An old photo. Must be a clue.

Wait. Is that...?

ANGELIC MUSIC SCREECHES TO A HALT

You were a high school cheerleading champ?!

That's ridiculous. Who told you that?

A little birdie.

Oh, that little bird is barking up the wrong tree,

or tweeting from, er, just...

...or generally being annoying.

Look, it's the same face, though.

Slightly clenched and squeezed.

HE SCOFFS

Somehow, I knew this day would come.

I am that cheerleading champ.

Kind of weird, but also helpful!

And we're back to weird.

Again.

What a time that was.

The peak of physical performance,

the respect of everyone around me...

...except for you.

Isn't that right, Mummy?

Even supreme excellence wasn't good enough for you.

"Pointless."

That was the word she liked to use.

This might take a while.

Countless medals and trophies, but she was never happy.

I remember once, back in '89, we were...

Great story, but I'm kind of pressed for time,

and I need to learn how to cheer,

immediately.

Can you help?

I just don't think I could jiggle a pompom again.

Too painful.

OK.

Bye. Hang on. Is that it?

Aren't you going to beg for my help?

I was a national champion, you know.

OK.

Please! Please! Please.

Well, if you're going to be that insistent about it, then...

...yes, OK.

Yes! Thank you.

You've currently saved my bacon,

which is currently valued at...

But if we do this, we have to take it the whole way.

You must be prepared for that.

Right. I am.

When do we start?

We have already begun!

Wanderers are playing Rovers later in the semis. Who's going?

Not me. Skint.

Yeah, me, too. But it's cool, I've got a plan.

Oh, it's not your tunnelling under the turnstiles plan again, is it?

No! That was a stupid idea.

I'm going to pole-vault over the wall. You in?

Uh, yeah, sure.

Pole-vaults don't give me nightmares at all.

EVIL CACKLING

Uh, Conor?

Whilst I would like nothing better than to watch you both pole-vault

over the wall into a crowd of baying football fans, I can't.

My rich Auntie Fidelma's coming to visit.

Rich? How rich?

Loaded? Minted? Bling?

All of the above.

Ooh, sounds like someone we should chill with,

you know, get a few pointers. Agreed.

Make the arrangements.

She is a high-powered business tycoon.

She doesn't have time to pow-wow with random teenage boys.

Just her nephew.

We're going.

We can pole-vault into his garden after the match.

Or just use the front door.

Oh, yeah!

Right, have you de-boogered?

The caves are bat-free.

And my tribal drums? Fully dusted.

Isn't this all a bit extra?

Won't Fidelma just be happy to see her family?

Looking sharp, Brid.

Why, thank you, Ben!

What are you two doing here? I thought you were pole-vaulting.

Mmm... plan didn't work out.

Yeah.

So we came to see the rich auntie instead.

Where's the limo?

And does it have a Jacuzzi? Cos I've brought my trunks.

Conor, what have you been saying?

Fidelma's not THAT rich.

CAR HORN HONKS

Love and light. Love and light.

Come on, Mum. She can't be that bad.

CAR ALARM BEEPS Ciao, familia.

Business Class was torture,

but I made it.

And look at you, Conor.

You brought a little welcome party.

Auntie Fidelma, yes, this is Ben and Clanger.

Two strapping lads.

My luggage is in the boot.

Mind the handles, they're embossed.

Put them in by my serenity table.

"Serenity table."

You're still into all that woo-woo?

Brilliant.

And the place is looking great.

Thanks, we like it. Mm.

At the end of the day, you've just got to ask yourself,

"Is it liveable?"

Which is equally fascinating.

And then, of course, we move into the Princeton era,

which we shall delve into, in our next session.

Fascinating.

So now I move on to the actiony bit?

First, I have unearthed my cherished Cheer Bible

to help you on your journey.

I've also included a potentially controversial section

on the use of jazz hands.

Something to digest.

This is great.

But when do we actually...

...you know, cheer?

I didn't stay up until 4am, dusting this thing off,

so you can just come in here and prance around the place.

Silly me. Why would I expect to cheer in a cheering lesson?

First, we must crawl,

then walk, then run,

then jump onto the top of a human pyramid.

That is the only true pathway to elite cheering.

Isn't there, like, one or two things you could show me right now?

Something that might make it look

like I've been cheering for seven years?

The Bible!

I mean, who wants to sit on a beach in Spain all day?

I was bored.

But thanks to my new business,

Dig It Donuts -

tag line, "Donuts you dig"...

Genius.

And what happens then?

What happens when?

After you dig 'em, do they sprout into more doughnuts or something?

"Dig It Donuts"?

Didn't I have that idea when we were younger?

Gosh, I can't recall.

Did you do a business plan for it?

No.

Yes.

Business is about hard work, Brid.

Of course, you need some luck

and the secret ingredient.

Is it...

...cinnamon?

No. SHE CHUCKLES

It's the art of the business bluff -

never giving anything away.

Yeah. That's what I thought.

Bluffing? Isn't that just being dishonest?

Who cares? Teach us.

Yeah, we want to be loaded, too.

Oh. No, no, no. But I'm sure Fidelma is far too busy to...

I see a lot of potential here.

I already know that Conor is Sir Brains-a-lot.

Ben, you've got the gift of the gab.

And...

...Clanger, oh, you...

...seem...

...like a lovely fellow, too.

So why don't we start you all tomorrow after school, hmm?

Yes!

Let the cashola-rolla.

Finally!

We've been waiting to shoot hoops.

Yeah, we have a big match, remember?

We need to win to make it back into the top three.

I can't. I have to study this.

Study? For what?

Yeah. Thought you were supposed to be cheerleading.

I know, but Holt's given me this big, boring manual instead.

Seriously?

How does that help? It doesn't.

It's totally pointless.

Bin it.

Just find a costume and walk around in it.

That's all your auntie really needs to see.

I probably have an old one you can borrow.

Yes, outstanding idea!

This'll be a breeze.

Pointless. HIS VOICE ECHOES

It's Charlotte's old costume,

from when she was ten!

Aoife!

Love the outfit.

Why are you wearing a T-shirt over it?

Is it a bit snug?

It's the one I had when I first started.

I can't bear to change it.

Fab.

Now show me all your trophies.

How many has your team won?

Uh, you see...

...the truth is...

Tell me I have at least one trophy

to show for my �6,840.

Or I'll be looking for it back.

The truth is I don't have a team.

What?

The school don't do cheerleading, so...

...uh...

I practise by myself in the school gym!

The dedication.

You are my best investment.

Can I see?

Uh, no, no.

I'm not going today.

Why the outfit then?

I wear it all the time!

I love it so much.

Oh, my heart!

Adorable.

That's... me.

Move away, please, company car.

Lads, if you want the perks of being rich,

you've got to put the graft in.

That's why we want to reach out

and tell you about our new pineapple rental company.

Now, make sure you stuff the pamphlet right into the letterbox.

This doesn't feel very corporate-y.

Yeah.

Don't we at least get suits?

Listen, lads, this is how all the great entrepreneurs got started.

I still do it to keep myself grounded.

Do you know who I often meet when I'm out there?

The postman?

Lord Alan Sugar, star of The Apprentice.

Brings him back to his roots. He loves it.

Now, off you go.

And if you do see Lord Alan out there,

don't mention that the show is getting tired.

He hates that.

There she is, and still in the outfit.

It's like a second skin!

A very scratchy skin.

You know, I always thought that you'd give up after one lesson.

Never!

It was two lessons.

Amazing.

And I cannot wait to see you perform at the chair meet tomorrow.

Uh, what? What now?

I had a little chat with your headmaster

while I was waiting on the lads.

Mr Holt? I had a word with him about promoting cheerleading.

I mean, no team.

The school is not doing enough to support you.

Really? What did he say?

He was very apologetic.

He suggested that he invite some other schools

to give a chair demo tomorrow and that you take part.

Oh, there he is now.

Yoo-hoo! DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

Bit constipated-looking, but nice.

Disaster!

A cheer meet? Tomorrow?

Awesome! Can we come?

Uh, no. We have a match.

Uh, sorry, Aoife, we're busy.

So is she. With us.

Aoife, we need you there.

Don't worry. It's OK.

No need at all to completely panic.

I'm so not in denial.

But they're on at the same time.

I can do both.

I have to do both, because if I don't,

then I've got to somehow return 6,840 quid

of Delma Pay.

But you don't even know how to cheer. What are you thinking?

I literally don't even know.

Which means it's time for a rewind.

So, I started off like, "Ooh, Auntie Fidelma's coming to visit!

"I'll just learn how to cheer or have to pay back a lot of cash."

�6,840.

And then, Holt was like, "Respect the Bible thingy!"

And then Nyla was like...

Just find a costume, and walk around in it.

And then, Holt was like, "I'm cross.

"Mummy issues."

And then, Auntie Fidelma was like...

I cannot wait to see you perform at the chair meet tomorrow.

Yay!

But now the Vipers are,

"We have a match at the same time!"

What are you thinking?

So I'm totally stuck!

Which is why I'm going to do this.

Ugh!

Oh!

SHE GRUNTS

Argh!

Ah, Aoife, what could your visit possibly be about?

SHE SIGHS

Grovel mode activated.

Sir, I apologise for throwing this informative manual...

Bible. Bible into the bin,

and for disrespecting the noble art of cheerleading.

It's just I've been in this scratchy costume for days now,

and I've just waded through bin juice.

So, please, can you teach me to cheer?

SHE SOBS

I can see that you have been entirely stripped of your dignity.

Now, and only now, are you truly ready to learn.

Rise. GONG CLASHES

One, two, nine, ten.

Yes, yes, yes. Again!

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Yes. Sort of like that, but good.

Position two.

Position three. Position nine.

Position four.

Two, nine, four, eight, two.

Yes, you're... you're getting confused.

Again! Again! Yes, I like that.

No! No!

Good. No.

Don't do that. I don't like that.

Yes. Good.

Yes, but less like a woodland animal.

And again. And again.

Yes! Yes! Exactly.

No. No.

Again!

Whoa!

Ugh!

Oh, thank you very much for giving me this leaflet.

Now listen, I want to talk to you about doughnuts.

Do you like doughnuts?

DOG BARKS

Right. Get up.

That's it.

Really? You think I'm ready?

Much as I would like to be disappointed,

your tuck jump rocks, and your facials sell it, girl.

Keep it simple, and there's a reasonable chance

you won't make a fool of yourself.

My serenity table!

Well, you weren't using it for anything important, were you?

I could murder a cappuccino, by the way.

SHE SCREECHES

Oh, is it raining?

Yeah, it's raining water.

Do you know what it's not raining with? Money.

Three days now, and all we've got is blisters.

I had seven.

Which I had to burst.

Character-building stuff.

Oh, great.

Well, when's the bank-balance-building stuff?

Oh, I have to take this.

Cappuccino. SHE GRUNTS

Oh, you're soaked.

Yeah, and nothing to show for it.

We've been scammed.

We need to circle back and unionise.

You mean she hasn't paid you yet?

I mean, at least we're getting free doughnuts.

Oh, lads, I forgot to mention

that you owe me for three boxes of doughnuts.

But don't worry, I'll take it out of your pay

when you hit your target.

Oh, that's a cappuccino.

I asked for a latte.

I'll be through there.

Right, that's it!

I've officially lost it!

Wait. I'm... I'm sure there's a way that you can stay zen

and we can get paid.

How?

I find plain old blackmail always tends to do the job.

Quick. Let's get him sitting down.

This is bad. I think he's going under.

Why is it so dark?

Mummy!

What's going on?

His blisters have gone septic.

Mmm.

Oh, he's burning up.

Is the ambulance on its way?

Just calling them now. Yes. Ambulance, please.

This could be lethal. Thank goodness you have insurance.

You do have insurance for hiring minors?

Oh, of course she does, Mum.

She wouldn't support child labour.

Yeah, that would ruin her business.

Well, only if we told everyone about it.

He seems to be feeling better now.

I always feel better after I get paid.

At least my niece is trustworthy.

The game starts soon.

Yeah, and we need this win, so your plan better work.

Don't worry.

I've got everything figured out.

Kind of.

The game starts in two minutes.

There you are.

You better hurry up. You're on in ten minutes!

OK.

Um, I'm just going to go warm up.

Char. Nice, Char.

Zara, sub off!

Here. Mia.

Yes, Aoife!

CHEERING

Zara.

SHE SIGHS

Where were you?

Just warming up.

I'm ready now. Relax.

They're behind.

Some girl just dislocated her shoulder doing a back flip.

Take five.

OK.

SHE GROANS

Yes!

Zara, sub off!

Nice one, Aoife.

CHEERING

Yes! Yes, Aoife!

Zara. You can't go now. The game's too close.

I'll be back. I promise.

What's with the headband?

Ha! Oh, nothing.

Can I cheer now?

Not yet.

They're just popping the shoulder back in.

CRACK! GIRL: Aaaaargh! Oof!

Ew. Oh.

Ugh!

Zara, sub off!

CHEERING

You've missed your slot. Ha...

OK, so this is awkward.

You know how much I love cheering.

Yes.

Well, I also love basketball, too.

Grand.

I see what's happening here.

You do? Yes.

You don't want to let your team down.

I admire that.

Yeah. That's right.

Phew!

I'd still love to see you cheer though.

Do the routine now.

Ha!

Right now?

Here? Yeah.

Come on, for me.

Time for you to seize your moment.

Wait, Holt actually believes in me.

Maybe I can do this.

I can be the best cheerer ever.

Let's go!

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Woo!

SHE GRUNTS

Ah-ha...

Uh... Oh.

CROWD: Ooooh!

SHE SIGHS

Just flew too close to the sun.

I killed it, right?

Yeah, so I've never actually ever cheered in my life.

At all.

Ever.

Wow.

Really?

So, now that Aoife has told the truth...

Conor?

We're sorry for slightly blackmailing you.

On the upside, I think I've mastered the art of the business bluff.

Well, this has been a fun visit,

but I need to get going.

I have to return the car to the rental company.

I really am sorry, you know.

Apology accepted.

By any chance, is my sorry-ness worth �6,840?

Not a chance.

But I will accept instalments of five quid a week.

But, I'll probably be paying that till I'm, like, 40!

43.

Ugh!

? Do-do-doo, do-do-do-doo

? Do-do-doo, do-do-do-doo. ?

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