Original subtitles

ALL CHANT: Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop!

OK, so this might take a bit of explaining.

ALL CHANT: Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop!

CHANTING CONTINUES

But it's going to have to be quick.

Chop, chop.

Sorry about this.

Here comes the rewind!

So, me and Jess are currently having a free throw comp.

Just a bit of fun...

...that I absolutely must win.

Yes!

Oh, yeah.

That's 5-0, Meefa.

Next one to miss loses. State the obvious much?

Yes, I do, Nyla.

Now I'm going to score.

Now Aoife will miss and lose the bet we made.

Hmm! Aoife?

What bet?

How about whichever team loses

has to change their team's name to The Losers for a whole week?

Hmm...

Hurry up and lose, Meefa.

Like I'm going to miss.

Oops.

So now everyone's calling us The Losers,

and there's nothing we can do about it.

You kids exaggerate a billion times a day.

I'm sure it's not everyone.

EVERYONE: Losers! Losers! Losers! Losers! Losers! Losers! Losers!

CHANTING CONTINUES

At least it's just for a week. But what if it sticks?

It took ages for The Vipers to put respect on our names.

And now it's gone, thanks to Jessica.

And me, I suppose.

But I just need to smash this loser tag,

this Jessica, and these eggs.

If it's a fight you're after, we've got a battle re-enactment

as part of Interactive History Week.

No, thanks. Sounds well weird.

There is nothing weird about playing a historical character

in full costume to educate your fellow students.

It's like he can't see himself.

Your brother is using his big history brain

to play the queen's special little adviser.

Just special adviser, Mum. Stop adding little.

The lads think it sounds daft, but they'll change their tune

when they see my Venetian breeches.

HORN BLARES

Think I'll wear my own breeches, thank you.

I'm awesome being myself.

Yourself? You mean a LOSER!

ECHOING: Loser! Loser! Loser...

Sign up, will you, love?

Not many people have, and Jim's nervous

because Mr Holt's on holiday and left him in charge.

You'll be the boss of everyone if you play Queen Victoria.

Victoria? Jim, this whole week's about Queen Elizabeth I.

Who's he? HORN BLARES

Oh, no! Conor lecture incoming.

Elizabeth I ruled over this country's Golden Age.

She inspired my sweet threads, revitalised art and literature.

Her ships defeated the mighty Spanish Armada

in an epic battle and... This could go on for a while.

She kept her own cousin, Mary, Queen of Scots, prisoner for 18 years.

Which seems harsh, but family can be annoying.

Rude!

But she does sound like a legend.

And this boaty battle thingy, that's on Friday, yeah?

Thursday, Jim.

We're recreating Queen Elizabeth's epic victory on the playing field.

So, this Queen Elizabeth person gets to be Conor's boss,

have their own captive, and win a battle

in front of the entire school!

Hmm.

The Vipers are winners. Say it!

ALL CHANT: Winners! Winners! Winners! Winners!

CHANTING CONTINUES

Sign me up, Jim.

I'm playing a queen.

Which queen was that again?

You know, what Conor said.

The prison one with the... cousin?

Right. Uh... Oh, and make sure there's a jail cell,

and that Jessica plays the other cousin.

Other cousin. Right.

Hmm.

STRANGLED NOTE

I can play that thing with my nose, you know? That's gross!

The queen commands the following students take part in History Week.

Please not Clanger, please not Clanger. Please not Clanger.

Clanger. But I said please!

And Ben.

Everyone wants a bit of Ben.

RENAISSANCE MUSIC

I thought you'd be happy I got you out of lessons.

Not when you have us pushing an actual pretend well.

Which I notice you're not doing.

William Cecil doesn't do manual labour.

Who? My incredibly high-achieving character.

It's just pretend. Not this week, it's not.

The whole point of interactive learning is living like it's real.

Don't you want to win the battle for your queen?

To recreate the sights, the sounds, the smells?

Smells? I want that job.

Smells isn't a job, Clanger.

Well, advise Queeny to make it one then.

Oh, make us King while you're at it.

She didn't have a king.

A prince then.

My hair's too good to be anything less.

If I do this, you two take part

and admit that history,

and by association, me,

are very cool. Mmm. Mmm.

I'm taking that as a yes.

Ta-dah!

Bow before your queen.

First job, bowing lessons for everyone.

I've been called a loser 15 times today.

Twice by teachers.

All thanks to you.

Ha! Thanks to Your Majesty, actually.

Aoife, your stupid bet could mean we're known as The Losers forever.

We won't. Watch this.

Boy!

Your queen requires fizzy drinks.

That was impressive!

That's nothing.

Chair girl, I wish to sit down.

Ah!

I forgot, I sent chair girl to go get more chairs.

My point is, everyone has to do what the queen says this week.

Ultimate girl boss.

Exactly.

So, when I, and my royal teamies, win the battle,

it'll be like The Loser thing never even happened.

In a way, we'll all be queens.

Yas, queen.

But only me, though, technically.

So, what do we do then?

I'm so glad she asked.

Nyla, with your no-nonsense toughness,

your queen commands you to be chief jailer and executioner.

JIM VOCALISES

One jail, Your Majesty.

Where's my executioner's weapons?

Weapons, weapons, weapons.

A toilet brush?

You do have an axe, but I lost it.

But I'll find it! Don't brush me.

And, Char, your wicked style

makes you a perfect lady-in-waiting.

This dress would look adorby on you...

...and hide your massive feet.

She's right.

They're enormous.

Zara, you'll be designing and making ships for the battle.

Because of my keen interest in naval warfare?

My design credentials?

My geometry scores?

Yeah... all of that.

It was the only job left, wasn't it?

Oh! And you should make some stocks,

ready for when we chop Jessica's head off.

SCREAMING

Aoife, why are all the clothes with your name on so...

...raggedy?

Jim, who's Mary, Queen of Scots?

The one you wanted to play.

The queen with the cousin, the... prison one.

Who? I explained this.

Queen Elizabeth had a Scottish cousin,

Mary, Queen of Scots, who wanted to be Queen of England, too.

So Elizabeth threw her in jail,

and she was never let out.

Never? So I've gone from being the queen of winning everything

to being stuck in that thing all week?

No, no, no. Of course not.

You get beheaded on Wednesday.

Headless is a bold look, but I can work with it.

The battle's on Thursday.

How am I supposed to beat Spain without a head?

You won't. Whoever's playing Queen Elizabeth will.

The queen with the cousin!

Oh, Meefa, the bars really suit you.

Annoyingly, she's right.

I'm totally pulling this off.

I wasn't going to get involved,

but then Jim said how much you wanted me to play your cousin.

Oh, great. It's my fault, again.

How could I refuse such a kind offer from my favourite loser?

Mm-hm. You're still our queen.

Actually, losers, I'm the queen you work for.

And I've got lots of work for you to do, so you'll be coming with me.

Take her away, jailer.

Do I have to?

Your Majesty?

Yes, please. Find my axe.

Enjoy it while it lasts, cos I'm totally not taking this lying down.

Ah!

Kind of think you are, cuz.

Could this be any more humiliating?

Ha-ha, loser!

ALL CHEER

Turns out the answer was a very soggy yes.

Says here Mary, Queen of Scots was well treated in prison.

ALL CHEER

The queen thought throwing wet sponges at her would be more fun.

ALL CHEER

She was right.

Great work, gang.

They literally never miss.

How big must my face be?

Are we allowed to be in Mr Holt's office?

I can go where I please because I am queen.

Uh, of course. My apologies, Your Majesty.

What do you want from me?

A favour, Your Majesty.

If you could make my friend, Ben, royalty,

that would mean a lot to me personally.

And I have been a loyal servant for many years.

And you are?

William Cecil, your special adviser.

Ugh, fine.

Tell Jim to make Ben King of Spain.

He can lose the battle to me.

Small detail,

the Spanish King wasn't actually at the battle.

It looks better if I beat the King, so make that happen.

OK? Tell him to cry when he loses.

That's not historically accurate.

Isn't it your job to do whatever your queen demands?

Well, yes.

Yes, Your Majesty.

Good.

Then stand on one leg.

Now flap your arms like a swan.

But make a noise like a cow.

Uh, m... moo, moo, moo, moo, moo!

I'm going to enjoy this.

I don't suppose now would be a good time to ask you to appoint

a Minister of Smells?

I mean, moo, moo, moo.

Where are you going in such a hurry?

To resign from my exalted position as special adviser for Her Majesty.

You? Same thing, just way less nerdy.

There they are, my two saviours.

So, about that, Jim.

I'm trying to save the Vipers' reputation.

I thought this would be a disaster, but you got so many people involved,

I feel like I should be paying you.

I can't, though, cos I'm saving up for a new gold track suit.

That's great, Jim, but...

Yeah, but listen, Mr Holt will

be well-impressed if I pull this off, and so, will I!

Yes!

We can't resign now.

He seems so... happy.

Like Clanger with a mouldy potato.

Oi, jails can't move!

Ow! Do you have to be so rough?

If I'm going to play a character, might as well commit to it.

Well, that's just given me a wee beastie of an idea.

King of Spain?

You're not happy?

No.

Which is Spanish for "no".

You wanted to be royalty.

Well, obviously.

I'm fluent in Spanglish,

and handsome enough.

You still have a better job than Clanger.

Yeah.

CEREMONIAL MUSIC PLAYS

LAUGHTER

HORSE WHINNIES, MUSIC STOPS

You did this to me!

LAUGHTER

My loyal subjects, as you know, I am the best queen that ever lived.

You may now applaud.

Please, please take this opportunity

to learn more about how incredible I am,

how brilliant life was because of me.

And make sure to book your tickets for this battle

with the Spanish Armada.

Join us live for the naval takedown

of the 16th century,

when Queen Elizabeth's English fleet takes on

the mighty Spanish Armada.

Which I will win,

for you, my loyal subjects.

DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

CELTIC MUSIC PLAYS

I love a good bagpipe.

IN A SCOTTISH ACCENT: Is anyone hungry?

Cos you're talking pure mince, by the way.

Guards, seize her.

And take me where?

I'm already in jail, you dozy wee loser queen.

LAUGHTER

She has a point, Your Maj.

You can tell who's got the brains in this family, eh?

Silence. I order you to...

GASPING

Freedom!

CHEERING

You two, come with me.

Bin this.

I'm wearing my own hair from now on.

But the real queen's hair was burnt amber, with a hint of orangutan.

I'm the real queen!

You're The Losers.

And you can find me better clothes, too.

More modern ones?

And you, stop building boats!

But I'm a boat builder.

Now you're a jail builder.

I need one with no leg holes or head holes.

A plain box then?

It's what a loser deserves.

No-one will be calling us that after what Aoife just did.

HE SMIRKS

On second thought, maybe not a plain box after all.

"Loser Viper Jail"?

So much for the name not sticking.

Jessica forced me to make it, and then she arrested me as a traitor.

OTHERS: Us, too.

I totally did.

Cos traitors are losers.

Now, where's my Minister of Smells?

FLUTE PLAYS MELODY

I thought you were a horse.

I got promoted for a special mission.

Go put your pocket cheese in the Vipers' loser cell.

ALL: Pocket cheese?

It smells worse than Conor's feet! Oi!

Thanks. Oh, before I forget.

As you were so funny earlier, you can be my new jester, too.

Now do a funny dance.

Like she's going to do that.

It's going really well, Mr Holt.

And it looks like Aoife's about to perform a new character.

Listen.

? Diggety-dee, diggety-doo Diggety-dah

? And whoops... Doo. ? LAUGHTER

What? No, no.

I didn't get it either, but the kids were loving it.

Aoife.

I can't wait for tomorrow's executions.

There's only meant to be one.

Four stinky losers, four executions.

And did I mention we're going to film them for the school website?

She can't do that.

Can she do that? I totally can.

She totally can.

I emailed Mr Holt about it, and he thinks it's such a good idea.

So now everyone can watch me winning and you losing... forever.

I can still smell the pocket cheese.

No appetite, you two?

Aoife's getting her head chopped off tomorrow.

So she is. That'll be fun.

Yeah. Uh.

We're selling tickets.

I can't let her humiliate us like this?

We'll be known as losers forever.

CHILDREN CHANT Losers! Losers! Losers!

I just wanted to show the lads that history could be cool,

but Jessica keeps rewriting it.

Maybe we could do that, too.

Rewrite history?

Think about it.

Jessica losing the battle would be a crazy plot twist.

Everyone would be talking about it.

MUSIC: Cabeza Loca by Granados, Roberto Rojas, Juan Carlos...

Mm. I do like that.

Ah! But it does go against my principle of doing anything

not historically accurate.

Did Mary, Queen of Scots, really wear this ridiculous thing?

No wonder nobody voted for her.

? Da-da-da-da-da-dah! ?

I'm in. Yes!

And I've got the perfect plan.

First, I sneak out of my cell, using a devious lie.

And while the Vipers gain support for the revolution...

Mary, Queen of Scots, is busy looking at memes,

as she often did in 1567,

on her... wooden phone.

Don't care if it's not practical -

I want a gold boat!

Gold!

And then, we plot to overthrow the evil queen.

What's that?

"Secret meeting."

Who put that there?

"Conor"?

Sh, sh!

Pretty clever if I say so myself.

SHE WHISPERS And I do.

OK. This is kind of cool.

And a plot to overthrow the queen is entirely accurate,

historically speaking.

You're ruining-innit,

Clanger-ly speaking.

I'll go drum up more support.

When Jessica tries to execute me and the Vipers,

I'll give the signal to our supporters.

They'll set us free, and everyone will follow us to the battle,

where the Vipers will show the entire school how to win...

...with style.

Why should I go along with this?

Because I'll make you look good.

HE SCOFFS

I don't need help with that.

He does.

Jessica's just trying to beat you quickly

so she can do her boring speech.

I'll give you a hero's death,

pure Hollywood.

What about me? What do I get?

Pocket cheese!

I'm sure the King is in need for a Master of Smells.

Nothing can stop me now.

The Scottish Queen appreciates your support.

It's all very exciting.

Oh, Mr Holt wants me to film the event for him.

That's good, isn't it?

If it's not historically accurate,

he'll make me do all the rubbish jobs no-one else wants.

Like what?

Lunchtime detentions, spell-checking graffiti,

stopping birds doing the toilet on his car.

What's that, Hawky? You're so hungry you could eat 50 pigeons?

Wouldn't have time to coach bouncy ball.

It's going to be great, Jim, especially with Aoife

and Conor helping out.

Well, mainly Conor.

Yeah.

Isn't that right, Conor?

How do you know I'm here?

Because I'm your mum, and also you breathe really loudly.

There's a lot resting on this for Jim and the Vipers.

It is going to go well, isn't it?

Only if I can get to Aoife on time.

Hmm... Mary, Queen of Scots,

AKA Aoife, Queen of Losers.

Not for long.

I hereby sentence you to...

I reject your sentence.

Now! Now is the time to rise up against this evil queen.

Follow me into the battle,

and I will defeat the Spanish king,

for you, my people.

Now, who's with me?

I said,

"Who's with me?"

Seriously, who's with me?

Looks like your little revolution has failed.

We can't get the history wrong.

Conor said we'd lose Jim as a coach.

We had no choice.

And this is where we came in.

Chop! chop!

ALL CHANT Chop! Chop! Chop! Chop! Chop! Chop!

Chop! Chop! Chop! Chop! Chop! Chop!

Hey, that's my axe!

CHANTING CONTINUES

Sorry about this.

Can't lie, look pretty awesome as a king?

And these stink bombs absolutely reek.

Sniff.

I'll take your word for it.

Does this mean that he was right?

That history and Conor can be cool?

All right, but we can never tell him.

Agreed.

CEREMONIAL MUSIC PLAYS

Where's Aoife?

Jessica's won, again.

And we've lost.

We're officially The Losers.

Forever.

This really is the worst of times!

But the best of times for a round-up.

So, it all started when we had to call ourselves The Losers

because "someone" made a bet.

It doesn't matter who.

So then I tried to change the past in more ways than one,

but then I'd realise we'd lose Jim, and nobody wanted that.

So now Jessica's going to win, again,

and we're going to be stuck with these stupid nicknames forever.

CHILDREN CHANT Losers! Losers! Losers!

Unless...

Guys, it's not over.

Yes, it is.

The battle's just beginning.

Like our battle's just beginning.

What are you going on about?

I was wrong.

We can't change what's happened,

but we can change what does happen.

Starting now.

How? Jessica wins like always.

But SHE doesn't.

Queen Elizabeth does.

ALL: Aaaaaaaaaarghhhhhh!

EXPLOSIONS AND CRASHING

Yes. Come on, smash them!

No. No, no, no, no, no! Oh, what?!

Ooh!

Oh, here you are, Mr Holt.

Jessica's Queen Elizabeth is just about to defeat Ben's Spanish King.

Oh, no! Oh!

Oh, uh, not king, uh, duke.

Very well-dressed duke with a... with a king's, uh, hat on.

I thought Aoife would have at least come out to watch.

Well, how? She's not got a head.

Oh, yeah.

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

? God save our gracious queen

? Long live our noble queen... ?

Uh-oh! Oh!

? God save our queen. ?

What? No, this is good.

No matter what, Queen Elizabeth will win. Ah. Oh.

All right, Vipers,

time to show everyone who the real queens of Midvale are.

Charge!

You have to lose to me. Lie down!

Nah. Not my style.

Smells Master, let's go out in glory.

THEY SHOUT

THEY GRUNT

What is this?

Ew! Ew! Ew!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Charge!

THEY SHOUT

THEY GROAN IN SLOW MOTION

THEY CHEER, FANFARE PLAYS

Very cool.

That's how winning's done, Holty Baby!

Viper style!

ALL: Woo!

You can cut that last bit out, right?

But it's a live stream.

MR HOLT OVER PHONE: Did she just call me "Holty Baby"?

It'll grow on him.

? Do-do-doo, do-do-do-doo

? Do-do-doo, do-do-do-doo. ?

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