Original subtitles

? If you take a stand and step in the base

? You know the other guy's going to land some place... ?

It's not every day you get dragged down the corridor in a horse suit!

Let's do a rewind.

New school year, and this year's going to be big,

cos my team, the Vipers, got promoted last year.

We moved up from Development League into League Two!

And we have a shiny new captain.

It's moi!

It's not just because I'm the best player or anything -

even though I am -

but because I embody the awesomest bits of the team.

Stylish like Charlotte...

Adorable.

...tough like Nyla...

Sorry. Sorry.

...and brainy like Zara.

We're 23.3 seconds late.

Aoife!

Aoife! Wait, Aoife!

Being captain is also a handy excuse to break up

with my super clingy boyfriend.

Aoife! Jamie! Hi!

I wish he'd stop doing that.

Aw, look at his little smitten facey.

It was cute at first, but then he started showing up

outside my house at random intervals. Cue air kisses.

This is actually painful to watch.

I've already checked out.

And here comes the teddy!

OK. You need to tell him now.

It's so sad when love dies.

But he'll be devastated!

You want to break up with me? Cool.

You could have said. Or ghosted me.

Seriously?! That's it?

Oi, you, lunch money now.

Hey, Clanger. Hey, bro.

Can I have your lunch money, though?

Oh, sorry! Oi, not the hair.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Who was that? That was Aoife.

His annoying sister and her annoying friends.

Who are you? I'm Ben, the school's newest and coolest.

Well, sorry, because that title's already taken.

Conor! You forgot your rash cream!

Your mummy loves you.

And how does Mummy feel about Jim?

Let the new school year begin.

Vipers, ready to strike a pose?

And strut!

Oh, hey, Aoife.

Oh, hi, Jessica.

You're kind of in the way of our strut path.

The champions need to make their entrance.

Hang on. That's strange.

What happened to your American accent?

So, I recently spoke American.

IN AN AMERICAN ACCENT: So, like, OMG, I'm totally stoked to be home.

It's gone now.

It's been a few weeks since I got back from my posh - ha-ha -

training camp in California.

You mean Falkirk?

California.

Yes, in Falkirk, Scotland.

OK. California in Scotland.

I mean, who even knew that existed?

Over there. Oh, yes, that's perfect. Marvellous. Thank you.

But it's OK because I still spent the whole summer training,

so now I'm, like, totally awesome!

My new trophy cabinet!

That's finest teak.

Oops.

A minor blip in my upcoming glorious run as captain.

You're not captain.

What? Why?

I refer you to incidents such as this and a host of others.

Like what?

Oops.

I have a council rep assessing us for funding

and I need a competent stand-in for the week.

So, I'm literally being replaced?

It's just because you're chaotic, inept and generally nauseating.

Nothing personal.

But who's going to replace her?

No, not her!

It's only for a week, and it's important that we have

someone who represents the best of Midvale.

After that, it can go back to you.

But Jessica plays for the Comets.

I'm between teams. Comets suck.

They never did what they were told.

Right. Basketball has already taken up a disproportionate amount

of my time. Can everyone get to class?

Can't wait to work with you guys.

My archenemy is literally infiltrating my team.

This needs to be handled very carefully.

Look at the Vipers' pathetic trophy from last year taking up space.

That's valuable real estate, and football has planning permission.

I mean, we're going to win lots of trophies and put 'em in there.

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love being on the football team.

Conor, you're dropped from the football team.

What? But why?

Ooh, some strong players this year.

Cheer up, little fella.

You can't be any worse than the last guy.

Oh, look at her.

She's literally gloating in my face.

You're exhibiting signs of stress.

No, I'm not.

Jessica being captain is only for a week.

Suck it up.

We need to focus on beating the Everbrook Eagles -

our first-ever match in League Two.

So, be the bigger person.

This cat photo will help you remain calm...

...and composed.

Calm and composed.

Jessica, I just want to say,

I really hope we can make this week work for the good of MY team.

Oh, Aoife, thanks.

I really just want to support you guys

and help the school get some extra funding.

Fairs. Maybe I've misjudged her.

Who knows? Maybe I'll totally smash it and stick around longer.

Ah-ha! I knew it.

I see you. I see everything.

At least we had some cred when you were playing football.

Now you're just a plain old nerd.

Thanks for softening the blow.

Don't worry.

I'll still hang out with you, even if you are just a nerd.

I could play other sports for cred, you know?

Like what?

I must be good at something.

Not hockey.

Not rugby.

Not darts.

Ow.

There he is.

Saw you outside when I was scoring my fourth try.

But you're England's next sporting legend.

Really? No, you suck, bro.

I like this dude.

Great hair.

What, cos he doesn't stop flicking it?

Oh, you mean like this?

Poetry.

I mean, most say majestic, but poetry's fine.

I mean, I don't see what's so desirable

about playing sport anyway.

If we trace it back to prehistoric times,

it was used by tribes as a means of...

All right. OK. We don't need a running commentary.

Well, maybe that's exactly what we need.

Actually, I could be a sports commentator.

Brilliant idea.

Jessica's only captain for a week. Then you'll be back in charge.

Epic.

A week of actual hell where I have to obey Jessica.

Bombastic.

Conor, what are you doing?

I'm just testing out some commentary buzzword options.

Epic.

Here's one. Shut up.

That's strictly two words.

And she's waving her wand of sneakiness all over the Vipers.

Best not to let it get to you.

Did no-one strain the gravy?!

But it's my... our team, and she's just trying to push me out and take

over so everyone will be like, "Ooh, Jessica's our captain forever."

Jim, maybe you could help.

I just filled the salt cellar.

I mean with Aoife by keeping Jessica in check.

I could help, and I really would if I wasn't too scared of Jessica.

When will this has-been realise that Mum is right and Jim is frightened?

Stop commentating.

I am not a has-been.

I just don't trust Jessica with my team.

Well, I am frightened.

Right. If you're not going to do anything, then I'll do it myself.

Great. Thanks.

Aoife, relax.

The Vipers voted you as captain, so just gently remind them why.

You're fun, capable and a friend.

And if Jessica tries to out-captain you, you out-captain her.

And don't eat the lumps.

Maybe she is right.

I just need to remind the Vipers why I slay at being captain.

Bombastic!

Gentle reminder incoming.

Hey, first week of training.

Let's go, Vipers.

Yeah!

Where did you get that from?

Oh, I'm just using it to hide my hair.

So greasy.

Let's get pumped.

Come on.

Chop, chop. Woo!

As the acting captain, can I say I'm here for you 100% this week?

As elected captain, I want to echo that.

I'm here, team-mates.

Yeah, so I really want to get the best out of everyone.

Same. First big match coming up.

Let's do this, guys.

Woo!

That's why I'll be giving out

special individual training programmes.

Good talk, but let's keep the focus on training

and not get distracted with empty promises.

And here they are.

Whoa! Look, Jim.

Wow.

Interesting.

A day-by-day layout? Excellent.

I would have gone for weekly.

Love the pink colour coding.

Quite hard to read the font, though.

Whoa.

When did you discover I do vegan Friday?

It's important that I know my team.

Nyla, let's chat later about finding some recipes for you.

But there's already loads here.

But are they tasty?

Onion bhaji recipe? Air-fryer friendly?

Ha! Result!

Little treats are important.

On that note, my special protein balls.

Mm.

Who knew macronutrients could be so delicious?

A triumph. It's like there's a protein party in my mouth

and everyone's invited.

And so snappable.

Mm. Aoife, you have to try one.

Ugh, but it literally looks like scrunched-up balls of...

Mmm.

Utter yumminess.

Mmm.

Time for a few more even gentler reminders.

A trust fall builds teamwork.

And fall.

As elective captain, the Vipers know I have their back.

Am I right, gang?

Time to sharpen our chest passes.

Basic.

As elected captain, I say we practise our no-look passes.

Yay! Trampoline! I feel ten again.

That's an injury waiting to happen.

I think Jess knows what she's doing.

Yeah, you're being a pain.

And a big one.

And in case you forgot, we have a match!

And, of course, some of the funding will go to our basketball team.

Here's their captain, Jessica.

She's using innovative training techniques.

Trampolines help our vertical jump, giving us an edge in matches.

Let me give you a demo.

As elected captain, it's important

that I take the lead for my teamies.

She talks big, but can she pull it off on a cold, rainy day in Midvale?

Yeah, this captain can.

Go, Vipers!

What have we just witnessed?

An epic fail as Aoife seals her place on the bench.

Permission to make Aoife a helper?

Granted.

A helper? What does that even mean?

Like, OMG, you need to, like, totally clean the restroom.

So, like, OMG, I'm actually in smelly hell

and Jessica has a pitchfork.

Your take on Aoife's fail - classic!

Yeah, we've gone viral.

Textbook. This commentator's the new wonder kid.

Bombastic!

Hey, can you cover our volleyball match later?

You have to talk to his agent first.

Er, agents.

And, in fact, anyone for commentating,

form a line and speak to your top-class management team.

Make way for the star.

Come on, Vipers. You need to be match fit.

Right. After this, we'll move on to the burpee programme.

No, I'm going to burpee up my lunch.

Charlotte, this is not a scheduled toilet break.

I've had two chai lattes.

Two!

Which weren't on your nutrition plan.

Back to work.

You can't dismiss her like that.

As team captain, I can.

As elected captain, I'm staging mutiny.

Come on, Vipers.

This is the part where we leave.

No, we're staying.

What? You're siding with her?

She's brainwashed you.

Resist.

Resist!

You're the one brainwashed.

It's all captain, captain, captain.

That's not true.

Kind of.

At least Jessica's focusing on our first match.

We want to win.

Yeah, hello? Remember us?

We're a team.

We actually used to have fun before you were so obsessed

with being captain.

Time for boot camp.

Move.

Back to the toilets, Meaoife.

No, I need to talk to my team.

You heard. They don't want any more of your distractions.

Love ya.

Well, I don't love her, but I do love my team.

The Vipers voted you as captain, so just gently remind them why.

You're an ideal captain and the most fun.

And there's nothing that can stop me from showing them that.

You can take Nick Mullins and your Andrew Cotters.

It's Conor O'Neil in control of the mic.

Here's your takings, minus our management fees.

Oh, and I've also included a sample of hair product for your fringe.

It looks a bit limp.

You know what? I think you'd make a good addition to our gang.

Sporty, confident, not overly adorable.

I'm not sure he's the right fit.

Might be time for a transfer.

If you don't want my management expertise, I'll just go.

Go, then.

Suits me.

I've had offers from other gangs anyway.

Oh, no.

Wait.

He's been relegated, but the commentary continues.

Bombastic!

So, let's see if this kid has the nerve to ask out the girl

he so obviously fancies.

Passing notes to each other under the teacher's nose.

Epic! Let's see if she notices.

This student is trying to evade his bully by hiding behind this wall,

but will he be noticed?

And when will the bully realise

that he's actually just crying out to be seen?

Oi, what you saying?

No worries, mate.

I'll dole out the punishment for you.

Listen, this is officially getting old.

Rejected. This commentator's at the pinnacle of his epic career.

We've created a monster.

Please come back.

We need you.

I thought you might.

What is it?!

And did Jessica set this up?

It was me!

We always play so much better when we're having fun,

and I've kind of been ruining that lately, so, please?

No chance.

You're delulu, and not just because you wear double denim.

You think we'll put on these suits and be like,

"Oh, Aoife, you really are our rightful captain."

No, actually.

I thought you'd be more like, "Oh, Aoife, we know you're really

"sorry and just want to help us win our first match."

I know now - I don't need to be captain, just to be a good teamie.

Exhibit A.

So, can I be one?

Can I wear one of the horse costumes?

Yeah.

Great, I can take this off.

Quite itchy.

Come on, there you go, Zara.

? You can take me just where you want to

? Down to the coast of somewhere I don't know

? I just want to go with you somewhere

? Girls can win I just want to be there

? Take me down to the ocean

? Take me... ?

What are you all doing?!

Thought we could have a bit of fun.

I got you a costume too.

One word - eww.

Last time I checked, humorous horse costumes were not on the curriculum.

And ice cream is NOT on the meal plan.

But it's unicorn sprinkles.

So much refined sugar!

Ugh.

Go get some cucumber water.

Ugh! Not again.

Even talking about it makes it repeat.

This wouldn't happen if I was permanently in charge.

As I can't immediately cancel all basketball,

that does seem like the least horrific option.

What? No!

Vipers, ten laps of the pitch.

No, I want Aoife to be our captain.

She gets us.

Me too. Me a-three.

Moving stuff.

Sadly, it's no longer up to you.

Carry on, captain.

Your little coup has failed.

Now clean this mess up.

And get out of those horses!

Unicorn.

This is a perfect time for a round-up.

So it started off, like, new league, Captain Aoife reporting for duty.

But then Holt was all, "All hail Jessica."

And Jim was like, "I'm scared."

I am frightened.

So, then I was all like, "It's all about me."

Am I right, gang?

And kind of forgot it was about my team.

Yeah.

But now Jessica has turned into an evil dictator

and the Vipers need me,

which is why I'm going to do this.

Oi, wait! Must save them.

Uh-oh, not the Mini-Mes.

? If you take a stand and step in the mix

? You know the other guy's gonna land some licks... ?

Oh, whoa!

Can't you think for yourselves?

Can we? Duh. Yes, you can.

Do you even know what you want?

Kind of what Jessica wants.

You're like robots.

Try running your own programme.

Well, it would be kind of cool if we actually got to play too.

Then form your own team.

And I've got the perfect robot overlord for you.

I just need the Vipers' help.

Will the crew quickly edit this pre-match segment

whilst the commentator goes and gets a slushy?

You have to help me.

I can't make him stop.

Well, if he sees it, he says it.

Right. Aoife says, "Jessica incoming." Engage plan.

Push!

I've been looking for you lot everywhere.

What are you all doing?

A pre-match manicure.

I can't play with icky cuticles.

You should all be warming up.

Not before I disinfect.

Gyms are basically like a germ rave.

And I like throwing a few punches before every game, so I'm ready.

Get ready for kiss cam!

What's this? Kiss cam?

Brilliant.

I know, quick. Take it away.

Will these two obey kiss cam and shake hands?

Bombastic!

And now will these two give each other a big hug?

Epic!

Now, who's going to have a long snog?

Mummy...

...I can't.

Please turn it off.

Please!

They think it's all over. It is now.

I gave you a pre-match plan.

Where are my helpers?

What's this?

Midvale's newest basketball team.

Seriously?

They're actually pretty good.

And a good captain would have noticed that, wouldn't she?

Yes.

But... But it's OK, because I did.

And I've entered them into the Development League.

And you're their captain?

Well, they'd rather you.

Don't know why, but you're stuck with the whiny Vipers.

Although, spoiler alert, they'll do your head in.

At least the clones do what they're told.

I mean, we could swap.

What? You mean, you take your clones and I go back to the Vipers?

It'll be worth going down a league with a team

who do what they're told.

And I can make them win.

Hmm. Oh.

Let me think.

Got to try and make this sound convincing.

Um, if YOU really want to...

...deal! Good luck beating the Eagles without me.

Permission to come aboard as captain?

Let's go smash those Eagles!

The Vipers are back!

? Time's up, it's going down

? Guess who got the crown

? Baby, tap in We can go another round

? Come on, let me hear the fire we breathing

? Like, eh-eh, eh-yeah

? Tell a lie, I can con ya They look at me funny

? Ice on my wrist, gonna get... ?

Yes!

? On the run and speeding up You can never catch me... ?

Oh, dear.

A nail in the coffin as O'Neil considers a new career.

What's important is that we got the W.

Commentating was all I had.

Now what am I supposed to do?

Well, bright side.

You're now in a gang with the coolest guy in school.

And there's a match going on in here, of course.

Ah, Ben, there you are.

I told your mum I'd give you a lift home later.

Thanks, Mr Holt.

Oh, call me Uncle, now that school's over.

Holt... is your uncle?!

And, so, the coolest guy title comes back home where it belongs.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

What's going on? Where's my captain and star player?

On the pitch, smashing it.

Hang on a second.

Boy, howdy. Looks good fun.

Yes, of course.

Well, that is a very big part of our focus here at Midvale.

Oh, good. Another coffee.

Aoife!

Go on. Go on.

Yes, yes! We won!

First win as captain, check.

Now, hands in. Go...

Cobras!

Did you just say Cobras?

You can't call yourselves that.

Yeah, we already have a snake-inspired name.

We're the originals.

And the best.

Not for long.

Midvale Cobras will easily get promoted to League Two.

Then we're coming for you, Vipers.

Wait.

Now there are two basketball teams?

Oh.

Whatevs. They'll never get in my head.

Now, let's go...

...Cobra...

I mean, Vipers.

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