Original subtitles

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Wake up, people, you're being lied to!

Thank you, Aoife, that's enough from you.

They're trying to silence me!

We all want to silence you.

You're very noisy.

STUDENTS BOO

This is all because of what happened at training.

You see...

Oi! I'm being cancelled!

Let go! Get off me!

So here's the rewind.

Shoot.

Total concentration.

Enter the zone.

Three, two...

Three, two...

Three...

Jim, what's going on?

I'm no expert, but I'm going to say...

...badminton?

Yeah, but why?

Well, the...

...shufflecocks.

Shuttlecocks? That's what I said.

Why? Why are people playing badminton in our gym, Jim?

MR HOLT: Economy. You only need half the gym,

so I've rented the other half to the local over-70s badminton club -

The Silver Shuttlers.

Nice backhand, Maureen.

It's a crucial point in the season! Time is running out.

You could say the same for them. HE LAUGHS

No, but it was the Junior President's idea to raise

some much-needed school funds.

Is that how we paid for the massage chair in the staffroom?

Indeed it is.

THEY IMITATE MASSAGE CHAIRS

Sorry, Junior President?

Who's the Junior President?

You don't know?

Aoife.

Jessica! You're the junior president?

Surely you remember the election.

The Yes for Jess campaign?

I won by a landslide.

I guess it must have been before I came to this school.

But it must have been on the news, though, right?

Anyway, it's about the gym.

The Vipers need the space back... Let me stop you there, Aoife.

OK. You see,

I don't care.

What?

Sadly, it's my last week as president,

so I've mainly been focused on

using up all of my letterhead notepaper.

Jamie's been helping me move out.

So... who's going to be the new president?

Whoever wins the election. Could be anyone.

You mean it could be me?

Stranger things have happened.

Can't think of any specific ones, but they must have.

I don't know.

Seems like a lot of responsibility.

It's a shame.

I think you'd be good at it.

I hereby announce my candidacy for Junior President.

Anyone have any questions?

Anyone?

Take your time.

Have a little think.

Anyone?

You'll vote for me, won't you, Conor?

What's it for, dumbest sibling contest?

No, you won that one for life.

It's for Junior President.

There's only one other candidate, Barry, from the Gamers Club.

He's got 12,000 supporters.

But they're thunder goblins, which doesn't count.

I checked.

Clanger! Have you ever had any interest in entering politics?

Why would I do that?

It's boring.

You get to have a say in how the school's run.

Boring! Get to bring new ideas to the table.

Boring!

"Candidates will be excused from lessons

"for the duration of the campaign."

I've always wanted to serve my fellow pupils.

I knew you'd like it.

But hang on.

Why don't you want to be president?

I'll be the brains behind the operation.

And you be... The brains in the front of the operation!

Exactly! I'll do the work and you take the credit.

Don't salute me, Conor.

I haven't won yet.

So your plan to get the whole gym back is running for president?

I'd be good at it!

I've got strong leadership and organisational skills.

Plus attention to detail.

You know your buttons are done up wrong?

AOIFE SCOFFS

I did know that.

We'll definitely vote for you, won't we, Zara?

Who else is running?

Breaking news!

Clanger's standing.

Conor's running his campaign.

Conor? Running a campaign?

He can't even run a bath!

Believe me, he's my brother, I would know.

I've never actually seen him run a bath.

Not once.

Urgh! Yuck!

Anyway, I'm guaranteed to win.

110%!

You can't get 110%.

120%, then.

Cos I've got a secret weapon.

Well, it's not maths.

It's my campaign team.

Who are they?

You're looking at them.

Well, you're looking at me looking at them.

It's you!

Zara - campaign manager.

I suppose someone has to keep you organised.

Charlotte - stylist.

Go, me!

THEY CLICK THEIR FINGERS

And Nyla - security.

Will it involve physical danger and resisting potential violence?

Might do. I'm in.

ALL: Vipers!

Clanger HQ, where we launch your campaign...

...with the slogan...

...Clanger...

...Ring The Changes.

What?

I don't get it.

How about...

Yes... We... Clang!

That is completely meaningless.

Yeah, I like it, too.

Fine, OK.

Next question. What are you standing for?

Well, because there's no chairs.

This is going to take a while.

Let's draw up a list of policies for Aoife,

things she passionately believes in.

IMITATES RADIO STATIC Aoife's not here.

I've sent her for snacks. It's much easier without her.

IMITATES RADIO STATIC Roger. Why are you talking to your wrist?

IMITATES RADIO STATIC I'm security. This is what we do.

You never know when an intruder might...

CHARLOTTE SHRIEKS Easy, tiger!

Sorry, Charlotte.

I can't see you with these on.

They're actually quite stylish.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

I've planned a new look for Aoife.

I'm putting her in a brand-new wardrobe.

IMITATES RADIO STATIC Good idea.

She'll be nice and safe in a wardrobe.

Style, substance and security.

I think we're ready to launch our candidate.

IMITATES RADIO STATIC Copy that.

UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

CAMERAS CLICK

Can I take a selfie?

Whoa! One sec.

They're hard. CHARLOTTE MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY

What's in the bag?

Normal stuff.

Guys, I'm clear.

Yep, yep. OK, good to go.

Right, "Everybody, vote for me." OK.

Vote for Aoife!

Vote for me.

Vote for me! Go, Aoife!

Don't forget to vote for me.

Have another one. Thank you.

You look good. Thanks.

SHE MOUTHS

Move out!

Doing great, Aoife.

Meeting new people, getting the message out.

And I haven't even seen Clanger.

So...

MULTIPLE PHONE ALERTS

CONOR: Are you tired of bad things?

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS The statistics do not lie.

Whom will save us?

I'm Clanger and I'll fight you... For you.

I'll fight for you.

Vote Clanger, and all pupils will get free doughnuts.

Free doughnuts!

Also prejudice is bad, but the environment is good.

I'm Clanger and I approve this message.

Nobody's actually going to believe this, right?

Do you think the free doughnut thing applies to staff as well?

What are you saying?

Of course they'll believe it.

The voters are idiots.

They're allergic to the peanuts that are their own brains.

Hey, losers!

There's still time for you to pull out of the race.

No way. We're going to win this.

We'll make our own video.

Maybe you already have.

OK, ideas for the campaign video?

Well, I play basketball, and you two do cheerleading.

Give me an A! A.

Give me an E!

Or is it I next?

I think it's O then I.

It's mostly vowels.

Sorry, how do you spell Aoife?

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS CONOR: Ladies and gentlemen,

your next student president of Midvale High.

Clanger!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Students of Midvale,

I will make any empty promises.

I'll give you whatever you like.

Free pizza! Vending machine!

Uh, free pizza vending machine for every pupil.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Excuse me.

We booked this gym.

See? Even my opponent wants to close us down.

She doesn't care about you.

Yes, I do. I care!

Look at me caring.

That's not what your campaign manager said

earlier this afternoon.

MULTIPLE PHONE ALERTS

The voters are idiots.

They're allergic to the peanuts that are their own brains.

CROWD BOOS

No, you don't understand.

She thinks you're too stupid to understand.

I don't think that. I'm nice!

Look, I'm sporty.

JAMIE: Ow!

Sorry.

Give me an A!

Not now.

The Vipers are nice.

The Vipers...

Do you want to vote for a Viper?

CROWD: No!

Then vote for me, and I'll drive these Vipers out of our gym

and convert it into a full laser tag centre!

CHEERING Come on!

We need outside help.

SHE KNOCKS

Enter at your peril!

Greetings, mortal female.

Wow!

You look really busy running this D&D club.

Indeed I am.

It'd be impossible for you to do this and run for Junior President.

Maybe you should pull out and support someone else?

You're quite right.

Oh, OK. That was easy.

We're supporting Clanger.

Clanger? Why?

Where'd you get these from?

A gift from a well-wisher.

Clanger!

Oh, he got here first.

If he wins, we get a slushy machine, too.

Oh!

The Dungeons and Dragons Society is hereby renamed...

The Dungeons and Doughnuts Society!

ALL: Yeah!

It's crisis time.

Our key messages aren't landing with the core target demographics.

You what? You're going to lose.

What about the swing voters?

They refuse to get off the swings.

Does anybody have any good news?

Oh, I did a poll where everyone said they'd vote for you.

Really?

How many people did you ask?

Uh, it was just us four.

And, actually, I'm a don't know.

Let's try a new approach.

Q, Q... Quickly...

...U... ..utilise...

I, I...

...important...

T?

...tactics!

No, it says quit.

As in give up.

Tell Conor you'll pull out

if he agrees to give us the gym back,

which is all we wanted in the first place.

Oh, yeah!

Everybody wins!

Well, Clanger does.

But at least we don't lose!

All you have to do is be nice to your brother.

You can do this.

Big smiles.

Whoops! My mistake.

I'm here to make you an offer.

I'm only going to say it once.

You give us the gym back...

...and I'll quit the race.

No, thanks.

What do you mean, no?

I'm making you an offer here!

You said you were only going to say it once.

She did say that. You did say that.

But it's an incredible offer!

And I don't want it.

Clanger needs an enemy to fight.

By attacking you, his support has gone through the roof.

Here, have a doughnut.

I don't want your doughnut! I want my gym time back!

Sorry. Once Clanger wins, those hoops are gone, sister!

We're putting in strobe lights.

You wouldn't. Yes, we would!

That's it! You wanted a fight? You've got one, brother.

So...

...how would you say that went?

CLANGER SNORES

Clanger, wake up.

SLEEPILY: Kneel before your president!

Clanger!

Slight problem.

I think I pushed my sister too far.

I'm back in the race and the gloves are now off.

What gloves?

This campaign just got dirty.

Then we should keep the gloves on.

Time for some covert surveillance.

If Aoife challenges you, you have nothing.

You can't afford doughnuts for all the pupils.

These boxes are as empty as our promises.

And look at our campaign file.

It's all just empty pages and rude drawings of Mr Holt.

If people saw this, we would be finished.

I think I know how to win this election.

This is the final hustings, so let's hust.

First up, Mr Clanger of the Free Doughnuts, Save The Polar Bears

And Did We Mention The Free Doughnuts Party.

APPLAUSE

Louder, get in there!

Come on, come on!

There you are. Did your brother take the deal?

Forget the deal, I've got a better idea.

Vote for me, and I promise to end all exams.

The abolition of homework and an extra week

of school holidays per month.

APPLAUSE

Students of Midvale, you're being lied to.

Wait your turn, please, Aoife.

Clanger promised you a pizza vending machine per person.

What's really in the campaign file?

We demand to know. What does it say?

It's a surprisingly thorough costing plan for vending machines.

What? Yeah, it'll be purchased second hand,

students will fix them as part of DT lessons, sell half on at a profit,

and retain others for use within the school.

Well... OK.

But what about what you just said about banning homework?

Uh, there seems to be an overview of research into the negative

effects of homework on adolescent brain development.

APPLAUSE

But...

But what's really in those so-called doughnut boxes?

They're full of doughnuts, aren't they?

Delicious!

Wake up, people!

You're being lied to.

Thank you, Aoife, that's enough from you.

They're trying to silence me!

We all want to silence you. You're very noisy.

CROWD BOOS

This is all because of what happened at training. You see...

Oi! I'm being cancelled!

This is where we came in, remember?

See what happens when you try and outwit Conor and Clanger?

You've just been clonged!

That's not even a phrase!

It is now, sister! It is now.

That was amazing!

You are so going to win.

And then we're going to change the name of this place to Clanger High

with a picture of me instead of that dude with the hat.

His Royal Highness the King?

Whatever.

The day will start with a pledge of allegiance to me.

It sounds a bit like you want to be a supreme dictator.

Yeah, I was worried that it weren't coming across.

No, it is, but...

...remember, the people still have to choose you.

Then you'll be... The Chosen One!

Again, probably not a phrase you should use until we've won.

I see.

Play along now.

Strike them with an iron fist later.

The election's tomorrow.

I need to be popular quick, I'll do anything!

On that TV show, people win votes by eating insects.

Nyla, get me a snail, stat!

You want to be popular?

There's only one person to ask.

No way.

This campaign was about doing what's right for the team,

not about your personal ego.

What about my self-respect?

What self-respect is that?

I've been pelted by shuttlecocks...

...become a hate figure for the entire school,

showed myself up in front of Jamie...

Look, I'm sporty!

Ow!

...practically lost the gym...

And I'll drive these Vipers out of our gym and convert it

into a full laser tag centre.

...and offered to eat snails...

Nyla, get me a snail stat!

...for votes.

Fair enough.

Let's go and see Jessica.

I wondered how long this would take.

You're desperate for my help.

I wouldn't say desperate.

I would. You don't speak for me.

Because if I did, you wouldn't be in this mess.

JESSICA CLICKS PEN

She'll help you win, I'm telling you now.

I don't need her to help me win. I've got myself.

I know, but if she doesn't help you win, you're going to lose,

and then you're going to look silly.

I'm not going to lose, and I'm not going to look silly.

Shut up! Clanger's going to beat you.

I can see why your campaign is going badly,

but why should I help you?

Junior President organises the end of year disco.

And I happen to know that Clanger's chosen theme is...

...eggy smells!

That cannot happen.

Then help us. Please!

Since you begged like a dog...

...yes, I will.

How do I know that you're not working for Clanger?

He bribes people with doughnuts.

Do you know how much sugar those things contain?

I haven't eaten a doughnut since lockdown.

I believe her.

Welcome to the team.

There are three secrets to being popular.

One - don't be needy.

And two...

...always hold something back.

You said three secrets.

Yeah. What's the third?

What's the third secret?

Tell us!

Ooooh!

The third secret is to always leave them wanting more.

It is.

I am hereby relaunching my campaign with three promises.

One, I will listen to everyone.

Two, I will speak up for everyone.

Thank you.

Wait, that was only two.

What's the third promise?

We'll have to vote for her to find out.

I know I will.

Vote for me.

Vote for Aoife!

Vote for Aoife.

Vote Aoife!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! No bribing with doughnuts.

Vote for Aoife. Vote for Aoife.

All votes have been counted and verified.

Time for me to announce the results.

This is it, Conor.

I can taste the power!

It is only for one term, remember.

Oh, no! Once I'm in, I can change the rules.

I'm going to be president for life!

What? You can't do that! What?

CONOR LAUGHS NERVOUSLY You can't... You can't...

You can't do that.

Right?

He wants to be president for life.

For life?

That's not allowed, is it?

What are you going to do about it?

What can I do? I'm supposed to be on his team.

You do something.

The results are as follows.

Can't believe I'm going to do this.

Wait.

The president can change the rules, and the president can also

cancel future elections.

And there's nothing any of you suckers can do about it!

Right, but until this election's over.

Jessica is still president, which means she can decide

to cancel this election.

What?

Oh, well, I don't know. SHE CHUCKLES

Would you like me to stay on as president?

CHEERING

Yessica for the Jessica!

I hereby declare Jessica Junior President for life

by popular acclamation.

No! What? This is a fix! No!

Take the votes away and burn them.

Democracy is a wonderful thing.

Thanks, Aoife. Guess I owe you one.

So, does this mean we can have the whole gym back?

No.

I was robbed, Conor.

Let's raise a mob and storm the staffroom!

Let it go, mate.

The important thing is we've got three days off lessons.

Quick reminder, boys, I'll be expecting your 1,000 word

handwritten reports on the campaign experience first thing tomorrow.

What? It didn't say anything about that on the poster.

Remember what you said?

Campaign manager does all the work.

That was a waste of time. We still lost half our gym.

At least we stopped Clanger from taking over the whole school.

And you never know,

Maybe Aoife got the most votes.

Jamie counted them, he must know.

Was it me? Did I win?

JAMIE: But I voted for you, Aoife!

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