Original subtitles

BELL RINGS THEME TUNE PLAYS

Go, go!

PAINTBALL GUNS POP YELLING

Go, go, go, go, go!

Either side, Zara, Char! We've got this!

I can't find my eyelash!

No, that's a caterpillar.

I have lost my map! How can I maintain control without my map?!

We're flying blind!

Take cover!

Yes! We're going full-on SAS!

And of course, there's a perfect explanation for this.

So here's the rewind.

We just lost to the darts team,

who have never played basketball before

and literally decided to "give it a try."

Told you it would be easy. THEY SNICKER

And if you want to know why we lost so easily,

it's because of this...

Char, your perfume makes me sick when I should be landing buckets!

And it's triggering my allergies.

It's the latest scent!

What, Eau de Vom? Why do you even wear perfume during a match, anyway?

It's the league pressure. It's making them fight about everything.

R&B PLAYS

LOUD ROCK PLAYS

R&B PLAYS

Eugh, you have no taste!

LOUD ROCK PLAYS

COUGHING

What?!

? Oh, you know I love it when you take control

? When you take control... ?

If I find one more of these!

Char! Stop.

We need to be able to get along as a team or we have zero chance.

Yeah, Zara!

I mean, is it even possible for us to agree on anything?

Yes, it's possible! No, it's not!

No, you're both wrong!

Now, I bagsie the hot shower.

No, your hair gets everywhere! My hair?!

Yes, your hair!

BOYS LAUGH

What's the joke?

Oh, you had to be there.

Yeah, Sid's right. You had to be there. Try me.

It'd probably go over your head.

THEY WHISPER

I-I'm really good at getting jokes.

And telling them. Am I right?

W-Well, there was a fly...

No, sorry, it was a spider. And he was in love with this girl spider.

Or were they both girl spiders?

Or was one of them a fly?

We're late for training. Yeah, see you.

That's fine. I'll catch you in a bit.

And I'll tell you the really funny joke!

T-They were caught in a tangled love web!

Get it?

So I'm walking slowly -

Dylan should be coming around the corner any minute.

You're walking slowly.

So are you. Who is it?

Sid.

I'm trying to get him to...

...notice me.

It's OK. You just need to make your feelings known.

A grand gesture! How?

Everyone fancies him.

Look and learn.

SHE YAWNS THEATRICALLY

Oh! Oh! Agh!

Oops, sorry. Did I hurt you?

Nah, nah, I'm all right. I was just passing.

I had no idea you had training at 4pm every Thursday.

Or that I'd run straight into your elbow?

Stop! You're so...

Eek.

...funny. That's a lot of blood. Er...

Doing anything fun this weekend?

Oh, you mean after I get my nose reset?

He's so hilarious.

Yeah, I mean after that.

Team-building trip with the football lads, military-style.

What, a weekend away? Just for the football boys?

That's unfair! What about basketball?

I might just go and see the nurse.

Team building? That's exactly what the Vipers need!

Plus... Dylan!

I can convince Holt with whining,

but how am I ever going to get the girls to agree to a survival course?

A spa weekend away for Aoife's birthday - awesome!

I'm going to get a bird poo facial!

I'll be having a cactus massage.

I'll be disinfecting the jacuzzi!

RETCHES

I thought you didn't eat carrots.

THEY LAUGH

It's fake.

HE LAUGHS Your face! Good one.

Going to use it on the bus. Me and Sid are sitting together.

But I thought we were going to play the licence plate game.

SCOFFS The licence plate game?

See you in a few.

What are you hanging out with him for? This wasn't discussed.

It's what he brings to the friend table.

He's cool and the girls like him.

Don't I bring that to the friend table? How's your handshake?

Firm and confident!

That fancy stuff won't impress in a job interview.

I don't understand why we have to leave for the spa from school.

And why are the lads here?

Wearing army gear? Aoife!

So... it's not strictly a spa weekend,

but it's time for us to bond and strengthen as a team

in fancy log cabins, toasting marshmallows...

In front of the roaring fire!

Think of the photo ops.

I suppose we'll be together.

See, we're agreeing already! And it'll be so nice to get away.

Right, we're not going away. What? Wait, what?

Because Ms O'Neill insisted on bringing her basketball team,

we now can't afford it.

Oh, great. Thanks a lot! Yeah, thanks!

We're extremely grateful. Mate...

We'll be camping here instead. THEY GROAN

School? On the weekend?

OK, so... could be worse.

I will be your drill sergeant,

and I'll be confiscating all your phones.

ALL: No!

No!

Sid, really? I mean, he doesn't bring anything

to the friend table that I don't, does he?

Dude... I don't even know you.

And this - this is MY tent.

We've kind of talked before.

Nope. But if it's any help... Yes. Help, please.

...you could use this weekend to reconnect.

Right.

Great idea.

How exactly?

Uh... don't know.

Ask the universe.

That sounds like something my mum would say.

Please! Please help me, universe!

KLAXON

I've been kidnapped!

Whatever you want, I'll talk, please!

Oh, honestly, man up.

This is just so I can give my more challenging students

the opportunity to have a good talking to.

Challenging?

It's a nice way of saying incredibly annoying.

I object to that.

Overruled.

Your constant scheming is a nuisance to me and a distraction to Clanger.

Since when do you care?

Since he's my goalie.

I need him at his peak and focused on his game.

You don't have to worry about that. He's best friends with Sid now.

Oh, dear. Oh, you poor boy.

Oh, that must hurt. Oh!

Still, on the bright side, that means we're through here,

so hooray. Sid is so obnoxious!

It's impressive. I can't match it.

Oh, I can assure you, you're every bit as obnoxious as Sid.

That's it!

An obnoxious prank is exactly what Clanger needs

to remind him of the good old days. Thank you!

Don't thank me. You've missed the point entirely!

Oh...

Don't go. How are we going to win if we can't even pitch a tent together?

We need this.

Also... Dylan!

I rescheduled a craft morning for this!

I'm missing my axe-throwing class for this!

If you stayed, it would be the best birthday present ever.

Charlotte...

I think we should stay.

I would really like to try out my red silk pyjamas.

As it's your birthday.

Happy birthday to me!

KLAXON

...which is a constant annoyance, and you insisted on ruining this weekend

for my lads by tagging along. Your team doesn't even want to be here.

We need to learn how to work together as a team.

If we can do that, then we can start to win,

and Dyl... I mean, PEOPLE will be impressed.

Oh, it's about a boy.

No.

Spooky!

This is the problem. Your mind is so full of

"cool peeps" and "literal OMGs"

that you can't fit anything of actual value in there.

The veins in his neck.

Literal OMG!

You haven't listened to a word I've said!

Something about a... lobster pate.

Right. You need to learn to put others first

and to take one for your team.

And I have the perfect thing.

A hot fudge sundae with sprinkles?

Ugh!

What's so important?

You have to see this.

Oh, no...

...what is that?

OMG!

Wait for it.

So adorby! I'm going to call you Jeremy!

What was that, some lame prank?

It didn't go quite as expected.

You went too soft. You should have used something more terrifying.

Like a yellow-tailed scorpion.

And while she's sleeping, put it by her pillow. Basic stuff.

I'm going to get you a blanket.

All excellent ideas and something we could have thought of

if we'd planned it together, as always.

And maybe we could have found a phone to film it.

Ugh, I don't have my phone! Thanks for reminding me!

It's all his sister's fault.

How can I compete?

Please send me another sign.

Oh!

Hey, you all right?

Right, the boys and the girls will now face off in a series of tasks.

Shouldn't take long!

The girls will be one player down.

Blame Aoife's general selfishness and feeble peeling skills.

But there's 11 of them and only 3 of us.

Yeah, it's not fair.

Right. You, out.

Better?

Right, troops, move out!

Which way?!

Hurry up! I'm trying!

Oh! Ugh!

Oh! Oh, it's disgusting!

Well, we've lost now, haven't we?

Well, it's not my fault! Yes, well, it is, isn't it?

I'm stuck in the mud!

Did you see how slippy it was?!

Try lifting! Try pushing it now!

I'm trying to lift it up! Come on!

I could walk faster on my hands!

Oh, my gosh, just lift it!

Guys, come on, come on. Be quick. Come on, lads.

We're a little light on this side.

Ow! What have you done that for?!

What do you mean? Why did you both run into each other?!

She bumped into me and I... THEY YELL OVER EACH OTHER

I said, "Go left!"

No, you said, "Go left, right."

Which was wrong, right?

Come on, guys, we're a team.

I know I may have let you down, but I'm ready to step up and focus on...

Why is Dylan with Conor?

Back in a mo.

Er, why are you all palsy-walsy with Dylan all of a sudden?

Because we're mates now. Best mates.

LAUGHTER

You're up to something. I know it.

Cue my truth stare.

HE GROANS

No... n-not the truth stare.

I'm using him to make Clanger jealous.

Plus, the girls fancy him.

He's my rebound best friend. There.

That is a shocking way to treat Dylan,

as if he's some kind of object or something!

Especially as he's mine.

You need to break up with Dylan now.

No way.

It's working. Clanger's definitely noticing me more.

Holt wants me and a volunteer to do a shop run.

Me!

So, I've mapped out the entire area and I've divided it into quadrants.

These girls keep commenting on my gym posts saying,

"Those guns are going to go off!"

Oh, look, it's the rejects. Get lost!

"At least I still have my red silk PJs!"

Ugh, he's so full of himself.

Yeah, total farthead. You're lucky you never went there.

Yeah...

Oh, no, what have you done?

Aoife told me to make a big gesture to let him know.

It's OK, you just need to make your feelings known.

A grand gesture.

How? Everyone fancies him.

Aoife! I'm scared. What did you do?

I left a love note in his locker.

He'll find it on Monday!

Toilet paper for everyone!

Me and Dylan had the best chat deciding which type to buy!

Basic or padded?

Um... Er, padded?

Look at you handing out toilet paper like it's confetti

while we've been here freezing. Starving.

This mash is lumpy. And you've given Char the worst love advice.

She's totally embarrassed herself with Sid.

I thought you said it might not be that bad.

We lied. If it wasn't for the fact that it was your birthday,

we'd be gone! Birthday?

It's not Aoife's birthday for a few weeks yet.

Ugh!

Well, that's done it.

But I can explain!

Just get lost, will you?

Wait. Aoife?

Hi!

Just me.

You don't just walk in here by choice.

I know, but I found our last chat quite enlightening. Deep.

It's an SAS-style interrogation, not some cuddly therapy session.

Yeah, I know. It was quite scary.

I mean, until I realised it was you.

Chip?

It's just, I'm stressing. Will the Vipers ever amount to anything?

You're only wondering this now?

I can't get them to gel.

I feel like giving up. HE SIGHS

If we do this, will you leave?

Pinky swear.

You are the most doggedly annoying student I have ever had.

Thanks? So why are you giving up so easily?

Frankly, it's pathetic. Where are your priorities?

This is good. Don't hold back.

What do you expect when you put a crush in front of your team?

I feel shame. You should.

You were right all along.

I should put the Vipers first and unite them once and for all.

I feel like we've really connected here.

We haven't. I don't think you've learned a thing.

Which is why, for the rest of this weekend,

I will be on patrol watching you all like a hawk.

Some hawk - I've already stolen four of his chips!

One slip-up and I will cancel your gym time for a month.

Now, get out.

HE LAUGHS THEATRICALLY

This is nice, eh?

Two buddies swapping war stories.

Awesome.

I know! We should do a silly prank.

Tie some shoelaces together. Clingfilm a door frame somewhere.

Wow, some, um... some old classics there.

I'll be the mastermind. You be the muscle.

That'll be our dynamic. It works, trust me.

It's just not really my thing, that. Which bit?

All of it. Maybe you should find Clanger, though.

That sounds... That sounds like a his style.

I'm sort of cruising on my own at the moment. Ah.

I mean, uh...

...we could play Night Wars.

Can we not?

I'm sort of in a campaign with Clanger.

Where did you find your phone?

In the school. I went to the toilet.

We can't use the school toilets.

Where do you expect us to go, then? Behind that tree?

No.

Behind that tree.

Ugh!

Where exactly did you find that phone?

It was in Holt's office. The door was unlocked.

Our phones are in Holt's office?

? We are teamy-teamies Yes, we are

? We are teamy-teamies

? Yes, we are

? We are teamy-teamies Yes, we are... ?

Singing from the heart campfire-style always works.

Shut up! What are you even doing?

Serenading my teamies.

? We are teamy-teamies Yes, we are! ?

Oh, stop! They're not even here.

Do you know where they went?

I do, I heard 'em talking.

"Ooh, I'm Charlotte, and I can't believe I was so stupid over a boy!"

"And, ooh, I'm Zara, and you weren't to know!

"Boys can be such chauvinists!

"And they're so mean! And we're so weak!"

OK, so this is getting a bit cringe now.

"Then I went there, went there, went there.

"Then I went to the hair shop and said, 'Make me look like

"Princess and the Frog.'" Why on earth are you friends with him?

He... He's cool!

"And I'm so weak! Well, not the frog, the princess!"

T-The girls like him. The girls like him.

"Now we've got to go into school, but... Oh, no!"

Wait, they've gone into the school?

Yeah. "To get, like, some letter or something.

"Like OMG! Awks!"

But Holt's on patrol!

Wait.

ZARA GASPS I wonder if that's it!

Give it here.

"Dear Sid, I love your DeMarco icon T-shirt in black cotton jacquard"?

That's not a love note! It's the nicest thing you can say to a boy,

that he's looking sharp in a major designer label.

DOOR BANGS OPEN Aoife? What do you want?

We need to leave. Holt's on patrol.

The only reason we're here's because of you.

Yeah. All you really care about is dreamy Dylan!

That is not true! My teamies come first.

This has nothing to do with... DOOR OPENS

What are you doing here?

If I can get Clanger's phone from Holt's office,

then he might reinstate me as his best friend.

Wait.

Our phones are just through there?

236 notifications!

I need a comfy chair.

Hold on. We can't take them all. Holt'll realise.

Just this one. Why that one?

It's Clanger's.

PIERCING WHISTLE

Argh!

Dylan, look what you've done!

He was trying to tell us someone was coming!

He legged it. No time! Hide!

CHUCKLING DOG YAPPING ON PHONE

Oh! Hello, Mr Fluffy.

Yes!

Oh! You know you're beautiful, don't you?

HOLT LAUGHS

Oh, hello! Look at this one! HOLT LAUGHS

What are you doing? What are you doing?

HE SIGHS Right.

Seems like a good time for a round-up.

So the girls were fighting. No, you're both wrong! A lot.

Your hair gets everywhere. My hair?! Yes, your hair!

And I was like, "Team-building weekend!"

Tick!

Then I got a tiny bit distracted by Dylan. Oh!

And Char was like, "OMG, Sid is so hot!"

I think we should stay.

And the girls were like, "This mash is lumpy!"

And then, "Let's sneak into the school and help our teamie."

And then I realised we're in this together,

so that's why I decided to do this.

Evening, drill sergeant, sir!

You again?

What are you doing?

Would you believe dusting?

Right, final activity, paintball.

Capture the flag. Blues versus reds. Winner gets a prize.

Why is it just us on the blue team?

Yeah. We don't stand a chance, even with my map.

Thank your team-mate and her unsanctioned excursion.

Sorry, girls.

It's OK. You sacrificed yourself for us.

Yeah. At least we finally get to hunt people.

Although it would be nice to have our gym time back.

How about a deal?

Unlikely.

We win the flag, we get our gym time back.

LAUGHTER

You g...!

Ha-ha-ha.

You get your gym...!

Why not? Choose your weapons.

Ooh, yeah. Wait! Don't start yet.

I've lost an eyelash.

And I've not got my map!

HONKS HORN

Guys, come on!

Follow me, down here!

Come on, down here!

Watch out, red armbands!

Time-out. Take cover!

It's no use, we're outnumbered.

It doesn't matter. If we work together as a team,

we can do anything. Paintball or basketball, we do it as a unit.

Yeah. Bring it!

Mwah! Gorgeous.

ALL: Vipers!

My trusty map!

Now let's go out there and wipe those smug grins off their faces!

Especially Sid's.

Safety masks on!

BOYS: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

YELLING

Come on, Charlotte!

BOYS: Let's go, let's go! Go, go, go, go, go!

Listen, Conor, it wasn't my idea to go in and get the phones.

All I'm saying is that that phone will have to be repaired.

I've already told you it was an accident. It was your fault.

Man down, man down!

So was that! You almost got us killed.

THEY YELL

Yes!

SID: Right, you let me go first.

You let me go first. Hey, you cover me! No, Sid, you cover me!

That's an order! I don't take orders, I give 'em!

We'll never get it.

Too many red armbands.

Charlotte...

...where are your silk pyjamas?

Don't shoot! We're with you. Since when?

Holt's put us on the same team as you to make it fair. See?

SID: Oh, why's he put you two with us? You're useless!

Oi, that's my sister! Now I see where you get it from.

Don't talk to him like that. Or what?

This!

Wait, what?!

At least I still have my red silk PJs!

Got it! Yes!

ALL: Yes!

No! Oh, come on!

What?! No! HE SOBS

THEY LAUGH What are you two laughing at?!

We lost! But it's funny.

Yeah.

Oh, come on!

Oh, and, um, I've got something for the friend table.

Yes, my phone!

You're going to need to get this fixed.

Thank you, universe.

Well, I must admit, it was teamwork that won the day.

Yes, and we got our gym time back!

Congratulations. You've won...

...a weekend away together... THEY GASP

ALL: Amazing!

...at an extreme survival weekend in the mountains

hosted by yours truly. My new business venture.

Come on, it could be fun.

We leave on 5th March.

Wait, that's my birthday!

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