Original subtitles

? Doo doo doo, doo doo doo

? Doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo. ?

Ugh... Ugh!

Ugh... Urgh!

THEY LAUGH

So, I'm currently shovelling up... doggy doodoo.

Oi, poo patrol!

You missed some!

It is possible to remain cool...

...especially when you're being watched

by the most handsomest boy ever.

THEY GAG

SQUELCH Aah!

Ugh...

SHE SHUDDERS

So, here's the rewind.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

First 3v3 league match today,

against Jessica and the Comets!

This is huge -

but we're ready.

Bring it!

Dylan! Star of the football team.

I've loved him since I first laid eyes on him.

Three whole days.

Eyes on me. CLICKING

Match pack - contains directions, game stats and our blood types.

I added our star signs too.

See you all tomorrow.

Er, Jim, we have a match.

Ah, yes...

That's why I've got this bag of small clothes.

Right. Put your gear on.

What are these?

I mean, the smell.

And what is that stain?

Best guess, rancid egg salad, chorizo juice and some pilchards.

Ugh, how is anyone supposed to take us seriously wearing this?

Ha, ha! Oh, they won't.

Ha, ha, ha. At least I'm not totally invisible.

I am not!

Sorry. I didn't see you there.

OK, fix your number on.

But take your top...

STAPLER CLICKS Ow!

...off first.

That's a level two laceration.

This is ridiculous!

Who do I complain to?

You'll have to let yourself in.

I have a mindfulness class.

I'm currently the best at being relaxed.

Oh, here's your little friend?

I'm Clanger.

And I'm not little.

Of course you're not, Clangy.

My mistake.

Would you like to come back with Conor for squash and biscuits?

I can't. I have a football match.

I'm the goalie.

I also scare people.

Good for you.

Hey, Conor, why don't you try out for the team, too?

I could do with a hype man.

Plus, team's worshipped.

Sports drink for the match?

Just being recognised is cool.

Slight issue.

I suck.

Yeah, I know, I've seen you play.

Do you think you could get me on the team?

Is my hype man doubting me?

Not for a second.

Clangy.

Well done, Hudson. Very good today.

You're becoming quite a sportsman.

You're very tall now. Don't get carried away.

There we are.

Brand-new kit?

Why don't the Vipers get gear like this?

Those extra-padded socks make the players soft.

But I'm loving those football vuvuzelas.

My suggestion.

VUVUZELA HONKS

Well, it was between this and giant foam fingers.

BOING!

Ah, he got both!

Holt gets them a new kit every year.

Every other sport is on a list.

Yeah, we're lined up for 2042.

Even then, our sponsor will probably be Mr Symonds,

owner of the big joke shop on the high street.

I've heard enough. Mr Holt?

Ah, Ms O'Neill.

What trivialities are on today's agenda?

The Vipers should be respected as a proper team and get decent gear.

I wholeheartedly agree.

Wait, really?

Mm. Just remind me what titles you've won

and I'll have it arranged.

Nothing just yet.

Oh, do let me know when that changes.

Right! To the bus.

They get a bus?!

Aoife, we're going to be... Late.

But I wouldn't worry.

That's non-regulation gear.

I just called the ref to inform him, and he said Comets get a walkover.

RECORD SCRATCH

Aw. First proper match and we don't even get to play!

JIM: Yes!

Great. That means I can watch the lads' footy.

Aw, pity.

I did ask the ref to overlook it,

but we all know you guys aren't really a serious team.

It's the football team! That means Dylan should be around.

Usually, when I talk to a boy,

I have something disgusting stuck on my face.

Clear! Good to go.

Hey, have you seen Dylan around?

He'll be here soon.

I'm minding his new kit for him.

Why?

Oh, I just want to say hi.

You know, to the real thing.

Electricity.

Is that rigatoni in your hair?

Ah, yeah.

LAUGHTER

I was just... keeping it for later.

You've ruined Dylan's new kit!

It's fine...

...ish.

No, it's not.

Team gear is important.

Mifa doesn't get that.

Er, yeah, I do.

How could you?! Wearing that rag you had on yesterday?

That was just while we were waiting for our brand-new kit to arrive.

I'm sorting it myself.

Ooh!

Can we get matching chiffon neck scarves for colder gyms?

Yeah! And... fur-trimmed gloves.

How are you going to sort all this?

I'd love to see a hand-out.

Total lie incoming.

I've done it before back home, and I'll be happy to do it again

for my proper, serious team.

And now to enjoy their admiration.

Is that rigatoni in your hair?

So...

When do I get my kit, teamy?

Yeah... Not happening.

But I thought you said you could swing it.

Holt's had enough of me.

I got in a spat with the ref,

and now Holt's just got the dentist bill, so...

Ah, right.

Well, let's see if we can think of a plan B.

Oi!

Players only in this area.

Thank you, Anita.

Here we are.

Good job out there.

I'm offering my service as team motivator.

Interested?

Kit boy. Take it or leave it.

Gratefully accepted.

Lads, dirty gear here.

My eyes! It's stinging my eyes!

Clanger!

Oh... It's you.

I came here with orange slices and motivational quotes,

and now I'm covered in sweaty socks and jockstraps.

Yeah. You'll never make it to the pizza party later.

Pizza?

That's it.

I need to become a player.

I just need a plan.

So, slight problem.

New kit costs A LOT -

but I have a solution.

Mum, do you happen to have several hundred pounds to spare?

Sure. Yeah. Just check my purse, there.

Do I detect sarcasm?

A smidge.

Ooh! Who are they for?

Don't touch.

Cupcakes for my mindfulness class.

We're all about non-judgment -

but you should have tasted Linda's Battenbergs last week.

SHE GAGS

That's it!

The Vipers will go door to door selling delicious baked goods.

Genius.

I mean, I've baked a bit before.

How hard can it be?

Boom.

Bet you weren't expecting that.

Bring on the cash.

Easy.

Come back when you can play a real sport like darts - or curling.

DOOR SLAMS

I'm almost through my designated houses

and I still haven't sold one cake.

Nor me.

And this constant bell ringing is ruining my manicure.

And I reckon ten stitches after the Chihuahua incident.

Aoife said this would be easy.

Come on, girls, this is the house where we can sell all the cake.

I've shed enough blood for this.

Is this how it went back home?

Back home?

Your last fundraising project.

Do you have a report I can see?

A simple log of expenditures and revenue.

Er...

Not exactly.

You did do this before, Aoife?

Of course I did!

Why would I tell a very harmless lie about that?

OK.

It may not be entirely true.

Broken promises wound people, Aoife.

Especially when they involve fashion accessories.

Why?

To impress Dylan.

Dylan?! No way!

Now, come on.

Hard pass. We're done here.

Don't go. We can still raise the money.

Just one more door, please!

Not this one.

We need the gear!

Aoife... Don't!

SHE KNOCKS

No big...

MUSIC PLAYS INSIDE

...deal.

Perfect.

So, all we have to do is position ourselves near Holt

and make him think he's seeing my skills.

Then I'm straight in the team.

But what happens when you do get on?

People finally recognise my existence...

...and there'll be pizzas and cookies.

No, I mean, Holt will soon find out that you suck.

Aha! So I simply fake a season- ending injury and enjoy the ride.

What's in it for me?

Helping a friend in need.

20% kickback on all team-related perks.

From a regular smoothie, that's at least six mouthfuls.

Would you consider 10%?

19.

Final offer.

Deal.

Using the school name to raise funds without permission.

Just need to use my natural charm to win them around...

What music is that?

Boy-o-Sphere?

Earth warriors with heavenly voices.

My mum's a big fan.

MUSIC OFF

Your attempts at disarming me are pointless.

And also quite pathetic.

OK, but what about a delicious cupcake, then?

That does look surprisingly good.

HE RETCHES

What did you put in those cakes?

Empty.

Oh, Mum!

I am absolutely livid that you used the school's name

to sell your deceptively well-decorated

but absolutely vile cupcakes.

Firstly, A,

I'm glad we both agree the cupcakes were well decorated -

but, B, we had to get jobs to raise the money for this,

and we had no help from the school.

And, three, it's about time the Vipers were shown some respect.

Are you finished?!

Can I just say this reminds me of a time that I had a big fried brekkie

followed by a slice of Black Forest,

and threw the whole thing up.

GURGLING

And it was all brown and creamy.

HE VOMITS

Right. If it's jobs you want...

Athlete's foot shavings.

On the upside, it couldn't get any worse.

THEY COUGH AND GAG

Boys' toilets.

The upside...

...it couldn't get any worse.

Ugh!

THEY GAG

SHE SHUDDERS

SQUELCH Aah!

Ugh!

SHE RETCHES

And that's how we got here.

There is no upside.

This is the worst.

OK, so, let's forget what happened with the rousing training session...

Sir? It's pouring down.

We need the gym.

But this is our slot.

Jim!

Yeah, not much we can do.

Always footy first for Holt.

But we're in the league now, and we're a proper team.

But we actually have a chance of winning something.

Poo girl!

LAUGHTER

It's important they get support.

Maybe you could make them a big bowl of rigatoni.

LAUGHTER

Enough.

My team has been insulted, my image battered.

Something needs to be done,

or I'll forever be known as the Rigatoni-Poo Girl...

Sir, we challenge your lads to a basketball match this Friday.

Aoife, this is reckless!

If we win, you buy us new gear.

SCOFFS: Not a chance.

OK, then. Everyone can watch.

We'll charge money at the door...

...and the winner can keep it all.

I am on fire.

We could use the extra cash for Midvale-branded highlighter pens.

Challenge accepted.

Has she even checked our stats?!

We have never won a match.

This is like pairing ankle boots with a long skirt.

Utter madness.

I agree. About the match.

I don't take fashion advice.

If I wear it, it works.

Sh.

The lads don't even know what 3v3 is.

They can hardly dribble a ball.

So, I mean, maybe we'll be OK.

Yeah.

Even Aoife can't make things any worse.

Knees jellying.

So, hey, thanks for putting the laundry detergent

on my desk the other day.

Mum said my kit came out fine.

Oh, phew. Great.

It's true. I did that.

Also, just so you know,

I don't usually have poo or rigatoni in my hair.

Is a sentence I never thought I'd hear anyone say.

Gorgeous and funny.

So, um, are we allowed to talk? Now that our teams are enemies?

I believe I can make an exception.

Thank you for filling in, Marjorie.

Sheila should be over her shingles quite soon.

No problem, Mr Holt.

Shushing kids is what I do best.

Sh.

See? Masterful.

195, 196,

197...

Will you keep it down?!

Sh. Sorry.

Sorry, sir.

I'm just trying to beat my record of 200 in a row.

He's a born striker.

I haven't got time for this.

I'm expecting my new player any moment now.

A new player?

But, sir...

KNOCK AT DOOR Aha!

There we are.

It's like I'm not even here.

See you then!

Try mindfulness.

It's great for combating teen angst and distract...

Ooh, here's my son!

I can't believe it. After everything I've done.

What?!

I was the one who put in all the effort,

and Holt didn't even take a look.

Wait. You've been practising,

and Mr Holt won't even give you a chance?

It's fine, Mum. Honestly.

No. Hello?!

I will make him take a look.

Come on, Conor, I know you can do this!

Believe in yourself.

Hey, it's the football lads.

Are you on the team now?

Yes... Yes, I am.

Are you going to do some skills?

Yeah... You betcha.

Get your phone out.

This is going to go viral.

Make me proud, son!

Agh!

Agh... Gah!

Agh! Oh...!

Agh...

I'm not sure he meant to do that.

Oh, please.

We've just had this bit power-washed.

Agh...

ENGINE STARTS, MUSIC ON CAR RADIO

Oh! Boy-o-Sphere!

I love them.

In these situations,

I find it's always important to be sensitive.

Poor Conor.

Not everyone in the family can be a sporting star.

Who knows?

You may be really excellent at crochet.

Just think of all those lovely shawls you could make.

HE GROANS

Aoife...!

What? What did I say?

Conor should hold his head high.

He was willing to risk failure to fulfil his dream

of being a football player.

OK, we get it.

And you know what?

Oh, she's off again.

I think you should go to this basketball match,

go and watch the football lads,

and maybe pester Mr Holt for another trial.

He won't even know I was there.

Come on, Conor.

You don't really want to be part of the football team.

Especially when the Vipers are going to trash them tomorrow.

Look at the size of them!

Holt wanted the tallest players.

Good luck.

Look, I know you're nervous about this - this is our turf.

They may be slightly massive...

...but they have nobody to match our skills.

Jess! Hi!

My bestie.

Er, what's going on?

Why is Jessica here? She's not on your team.

Oh, she did a trial for the team yesterday.

I'm expecting my new player any moment now.

You're in.

So, technically...

But that's not fair.

Mm. Rules are rules.

Good luck.

I can't understand why Jessica would play with the boys.

She's always so supportive of us.

I know a classic revenge move when I see one.

She's an ice-cold assassin.

But who would cross Jessica?

This is about Dylan.

What? You made it worse.

He's Jessica's ex.

She still has deep feelings for him.

I didn't make it remotely obvious that I fancy him.

KEYBOARD PLAYS ? Forget the poo and rigatoni

? You'll be my one and only... ?

Only cost two months' pocket money.

You can't blame me!

For most of it.

Yes, I can.

I'm pointing a giant finger for this mess in your direction.

Here.

It has so many uses.

We're done.

She means we forfeit.

What?!

You can't back out now.

No-one will ever take us seriously.

If we play, it'll be worse.

We'll be humiliated.

I'd rather wear double denim, thank you.

So, here's the rewind.

Our kit was the worst.

What are these?

The smell...

Rancid egg salad.

...unreal.

Then there was a stapling trauma.

STAPLER CLICKS

That's a level two laceration.

And Jess was like...

We all know you guys aren't really a serious team.

...and I was like, OMG, firstly, Dylan!

Secondly, we are a proper team.

And then Holt was like...

HE VOMITS

...and then there was the rigatoni poo incident...

SQUELCH, LAUGHTER, SHE GAGS

...but I was like, Vipers versus football -

and then Holt was like, "Here's Jessica."

So, now I decided to do this.

THEY WHISPER

The cake of death.

And I'll eat it, just to prove how sorry I am.

She won't.

I will. If that's what it takes.

She could die.

Go on, then.

Wow. They're really going to make me go through with this?

OK, OK!

Stop! For that face alone, I'd do anything!

OK, we'll play.

We're still going to look like idiots.

But we'll look like idiots... together.

Yeah!

Yes, yes!

SHE GAGS

Now, please... Some water.

GURGLING Ugh!

WHISTLE

Yes!

THEY CHEER Yes!

Run! Run!

Eat it!

Yes! Yes!

Time out. Time out! Come on.

WHISTLE

All right. We need to sort the line out for a few quick tries.

It's no use. They're too tall.

They make us look fun-sized.

That's it!

Use their height against them.

They're big, but you're quicker and faster.

GURGLING Oh...!

SHE GAGS

Slightly queasy.

She's right. It's like a mosh pit.

We duck and dive.

Right. On three.

One, two, three...

ALL: Vipers!

Yeah!

THEY CHEER

Charlotte!

What are you doing?!

THEY CHEER

What was that?!

Charlotte!

ALL: Ohh!

Yes!

WHISTLE

Double KO. They'll need a new player, or this game is ours.

What was that?

Sit down, sit down.

All right, lads, we need a player.

Oh, come on! Just because we're losing -

there's barely a minute left.

Conor will play -

but if he does, you have to let him on the football team.

What are you doing?!

You can't be any worse than you are at football.

Fair.

And, plus, it means I don't have to go on.

You help us win, we have a deal.

Get the ball in the hoop.

Conor?!

Conor's going to play?

We're a point up.

Once we get the ball, just keep hold of it.

Aoife, take it easy on him, OK?

Aoife, mark him!

Let him have his shot at glory.

He'll never get it in, anyway.

Make me proud, son.

Agh!

ALL CHEER

BUZZER

Yes, yes, yes!

Yes!

Hang on...

They've won?

Ugh...! What?

What a fun match.

Hard luck.

I would have a sassy comeback, but right now I need to...

Bleurgh!

SHE SCREAMS

Whoops.

I now dub thee... on the team.

Yes!

Validation at last.

When's the next pizza party?

Now.

But all newbies have pitch poo duty,

and Aoife left a hefty load up there the other day, mate.

I'm sure a fellow Boy-o-Sphere fan could spare a bit for the girls.

Oh.

Is this where you blackmail me

by threatening to tell everyone I like Boy-o-Sphere?

Well, they write perfectly crafted love songs

and I, for one, am not ashamed.

Not blackmail.

Bribery.

I happen to have a rare copy

of their Saviours Of The Planet album.

Check it out! Our brand-new gear!

Good for you!

I'd feel awful if I'd made my team lose like you did.

Well, my teamies still love me,

because I've sorted out this amazing new gear with Jim.

Now the Vipers will have to be taken seriously.

Ah, yes.

The door takings didn't quite cover it,

so I asked Mr Symonds to fund the rest.

Now, if you'll all just line up for a photo...

? Doo doo doo, doo doo doo

? Doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo. ?

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