Original subtitles

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

♪ Doo-doo-doo, doo, doo, doo-doo

♪ Doo-doo-doo, doo, doo, doo-doo. ♪

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

You might ask why I'm scooting into basketball tryouts

in such a dope outfit.

Oi, move! Waaargh!

Oof!

Here comes the rewind.

Oi, move!

Quick summary - one, Mum got a promotion,

two, we moved to Midvale,

and, C, she's asking the universe for...

MUM COUGHS Lovely new friends for Aoife.

I already have friends back home.

You mean the ones who always called you

"that tall, nerdy girl who plays basketball"?

They did not!

That's literally what it says on your leaving card.

I suppose it would be nice to be known as something else.

Literally anything else.

But first day, new school -

I can be anyone.

I can be New Aoife.

TRAIN HORN HONKS

Witty, fizzy, effortlessly popular, upcycle and fashion-forward.

New Aoife? Yeah, right!

Introducing Conor, my brother.

Smug. Giant brain. Know-it-all.

WHISPERING: I apologise in advance.

You really think you can be anything

except an unnaturally tall disaster zone?

I may be prone to the odd fail.

Aoife? Are you making your bed?

Yes, doing it now.

♪ You ready for this? ♪

Aoife? I'm OK!

SHE GASPS

Oh, don't...!

TEACHER: ..by cancelling down and dividing the numerator

and the denominator by...

KIDS LAUGH Aoife O'Neill,

why is there a bottom on your cheek?

But those days are over.

Starting now!

Even though New Aoife is busy being cool,

she still finds time to help out others.

You OK there, little fella? Garden peas will help you grow.

You what? I'm 14!

He's going to insult me now.

Which will it be?

A, my height?

B, my gigantic feet?

Or, C, my lack of suntan?

You massive, pasty-faced, clown-footed weirdo!

Ah, all three!

Those for shooting at people? Yeah. Duh. That's what I do.

I recommend dry marrowfats.

Harder. More painful.

Trust me, I should know.

SCAMPERING FOOTSTEPS

And lo, they look upon the fiery pit of hell.

It actually looks quite nice.

No. We're doomed.

Especially with New Aoife's style choices.

HE BLOWS

It's him!

HE BLOWS

That's not very friendly.

We can't stand idly by and let this happen.

Yes, we can.

In fact, let's-let's make that a New Aoife thing,

where you don't stick your nose everywhere and create total carnage.

Oi, you! Angry boy! Stop that!

Uh-oh.

Run away!

Really? That's the solution?

Can I borrow this, please? Oi! Sorry.

UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS

Put your helmet on!

Shh!

Oh!

Oi, move! Waaaargh!

And that brings us back here.

You injured our only new recruit.

I'm out. My knee.

Ow!

Later, losers.

Oh, hey, it's you - the pea guy.

Good call with the marrowfats, by the way.

You're welcome.

Just one request -

not the face.

Let me just focus on these guys first.

HE BLOWS, PEAS CLANG ON LOCKER

Not one hit. That's not the accuracy of a seasoned bully.

Yeah, good spot, Brains!

Come with me.

We were finally going to make the league.

The dream team. Was that the last over?

Cos there's a brown sauce sarnie with my name on it in the staffroom.

Actually, it's got someone else's name on it.

But if I get there quick...

We're down a player now, Jim.

OK, bring in the wickets, then.

Who's the blondie?

Your worst nightmare, actually.

Bit of trash talk.

Played before, have you?

Junior All-Star. Two years running.

This is Charlotte. CAMERA CLICKS

Lightning-fast. Game smarts. Dead eye.

I didn't know rhinestones were making a comeback.

If you don't mind, I'll wait a bit before I jump on board.

Sounds reasonable.

And Nyla. CAMERA CLICKS

Rough. Tough. Mad skills.

Yikes! What happened to your thumb?

JOINT CRUNCHES Grr! Dislocated.

CAMERA CLICKS I'm Zara, master strategist.

3v3 is our game. Heard of it?

Of course I have.

Here's a handy instructional video I just threw together.

FLATLY: Welcome to the exciting world of 3v3 basketball.

Want to see what it's about?

BALL CLANGS AGAINST LOCKER Then let's go.

Half... a court.

You get 12 seconds to score.

First team to 21 wins, or with the most points after ten minutes.

Sorry.

Don't forget your racquet.

It means it's full-on, basically.

Again, I know.

It's never going to happen now we've lost our fourth player.

BOYS GIGGLE

Oh, my God! THEY LAUGH

FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS

Main character. Obvs perfect fit for New Aoife.

OK, so I'm going to go.

So, Junior All-star, we've decided you're in! Congrats.

Yeah, you're so tall.

Like a model.

Or a giraffe.

Our qualifying match against Lions is coming up,

and we have to win to make the league.

Old Aoife loves basketball.

So does New Aoife, but not enough to commit social suicide.

I've done it all, kid. I'm hanging up my boots.

You didn't plan to hurt him?

I never hurt anyone. Just act a bit angry every once in a while.

Oh, I see.

Everyone sees the rather hulking physique and assumes.

Is it possible that you're not a bully,

just deeply misunderstood?

Sounds about right.

And that's where you come in.

OK. Let Operation: Make Cool Friends commence!

Step one.

This is where we part.

What? You can't abandon me again!

Thanks to your hasty exit earlier,

I now have the job of bully's henchman

to someone who claims he's not even a bully.

So just... tell him you won't do it.

Oh, great idea. He seems so reasonable.

Think about it this way -

if you hang out with the bully, then you won't get bullied.

Hey!

Mission abort.

So, better get to class.

Look, I don't want to play.

We want you. You have mental toughness.

Do I?

You're a gangly klutz - you need it.

Look, we're not going to beg. You in or out?

Oh, Jess!

Hi.

Wait, you know her?

Yeah. We're, like, SO close.

Hi, Jess!

Jessica! Jessica!

Don't think she saw me.

So we just stand here? No violence?

None needed. Having a henchman just sells it a bit more. Try it.

Grr, you little rascals!

COINS CLATTER Thanks, guys. See you tomorrow.

What's in it for me?

I'm opening with 10%. 10?! That's generous.

You're basically doing nothing.

And yet now I see your operation, I could bring so much more.

Really help grow your income. Continue.

I could help you become top-tier in my new role as... brand manager.

"Brand manager"?! I made you pretend henchman.

I could digitise your lunch money acquisitions,

give your image an overhaul...

...for 50%.

30.

Think of everything we could do together...

...for 45. CASH REGISTER PINGS

She used to play with us. Badass.

Jessica plays basketball?

She doesn't play it, she oozes it. With Comets at Oak High.

At a different school?

Her dad started it. He's on the board there.

They have a proper basketball programme with a pro coach.

But that's all.

Jess said playing with us might hamper our development.

Fearless, selfless, warrior.

Sporty and popular? We're destined to be bestoes!

I wish we had a cool name like Comets,

but it's so hard to think of one.

Midvale Vipers?

Yes. Slay!

Posting immediately!

Enemy incoming. It's the head.

Age may have ravaged my eyesight,

but I believe there are students in this classroom

who shouldn't be here.

I feel bad, but must keep focused on Find Cool Friend objective.

So where's the new girl? "Aow-feeee"?

Aoife.

Please take off that ridiculous hat, Aowfee.

This is not French.

KIDS LAUGH

All right, all right.

At least she's got relatively normal eyebrows.

This is so going to work.

Jessica, hey.

Hey, it's Aowfee from France!

Close. Aoife from England.

Killer brows.

Jessica! Hey!

Nyla, Char, show Jess what Aoife helped us with.

That was not my idea.

Modest. You thought of the name.

I made the snake and the fangs.

I added the rhinestones. I just decided to go with it.

JESS: Look at you!

Almost like a proper little team now.

Fab! Love ya.

Just in time for our match against Lions.

We shall tame them.

LION ROARS

This is a major fail for New Aoife.

Let's go make some more. Yeah!

I'll hang with you.

So why do I need a designated table?

It creates an air of prestige.

This one. Next to the bins? I think not.

That one, over there.

Neatly tucked away from teachers, next to the condiments -

prime real estate.

This is my seat.

There are other people here, you know.

Come on, Aoife. This is his seat.

Right, I've had just about enough of this day.

A, I've been stalked, B, had my tasteful beret mocked,

and now, three, forced to wear this ridiculous snake T-shirt.

So I'll tell you what. The winner stays.

And I warn you, it's going to be me.

You want an arm wrestle, do ya?

No. I want to hold your hand.

What do you think?

Do you know how to arm wrestle?

Yeah.

No, not a clue.

What have I actually just done?

You need to force his hand down, leveraging his weight against him.

CLANGER CHUCKLES

KIDS CHANT: Tall Girl! Tall Girl! Tall Girl! Tall Girl! Tall Girl!

CHEERING Perfect hook technique!

Relax. Barely anyone saw.

Tall Girl! Tall Girl! Tall Girl! Tall Girl! Tall Girl! Tall Girl!

Her name is Aoife.

Aowfee! Aowfee!

Either I'm asleep in Home Ec

and will shortly wake up with drool on my chin,

or I'm actually popular! Aowfee! Aowfee! Aowfee!

CHEERING

DOOR CHIMES

Oh, Clanger! There you are.

You! I've lost my powers. Watch.

Oi, you! Pocket money - now!

All thanks to you and your annoying sister.

You're fired. Don't be hasty. I have a plan.

You'd better, or I'm going to eat all of this.

Except for the very last bit.

Then pretend to hand it back to you, but then drop it on the ground.

I can help you improve your threats, too.

Thanks, because I can never think of any good ones at the moment.

Mmm. Espresso.

So you want me to have another arm wrestle with Clanger... and lose?

Ideally, yes.

Er, no way!

There's someone at the door.

Is it a large, angry boy?

It's for Aoife. And your phone keeps pinging.

Are you sure you haven't picked up someone else's by accident?

She made a fool of the pretend bully at school.

Now everyone's under the illusion that she's... cool.

Aoife, is this true?

Yeah, I beat him in an arm wrestle.

No, I mean, you're actually popular?

Not that it matters.

Yes!

Be still. Am I dreaming?

Tall Girl. What's your name again?

Aoife.

"Eva"? Aoife.

Coming out, Meefa?

Er, yes!

I mean... OK.

This is the best fun.

GIRLS SHOUT

We could shoot hoops.

Oh, not on those rings, Meefa. They'd ruin my shot.

I know, it's just me.

You probably don't care about that kind of thing.

Of course I care about my shot.

Good for you. It'll pay off someday.

Listen, I need to top up my tan before training.

See you later?

Er, yeah.

Please. I mean, cool.

Awesome. Love ya.

VIPERS SHOUT AND LAUGH

Two on one!

Charlotte! Charlotte!

Ah! 2v1!

Hey, what are you doing?

It's just your elbow's sticking out. And, Char, you're travelling.

Look.

If you know so much, show us.

I don't think so.

Just what I thought. All talk.

Come on, then.

Right, bend your knees and shoot.

Yeah! Go again, go again.

Get free. Come on. Move into a space.

Go!

Go on, Nyla, you can do it. Come on, Charlotte.

You've got this. You've got this. You've got this.

Keep going. Go, go, go!

Yeah! Come on, Charlotte.

THEY CHEER

I am so not having fun.

Problem - we need to reinstate you as Alpha Bully.

But nobody's scared of me any more.

Solution - we find someone who is,

or at least is happy to pretend to be.

Seeing as Aoife has declined, we go to option B.

So this is James.

He plays rugby and he is happy to appear to be bullied by you,

which I project will boost your profile by at least 68%.

In return, he asked for a lifetime supply of caramelised onion relish.

It goes nice with cheese.

Right. I feel like I know James.

Have I pretend bullied you before?

Yeah. Back in infants, before my growth spurt.

That's what I thought. You can go. Old news.

I feel like I need someone new and fresh.

Ugh!

Whoa! Are you all right?

I-it's Clanger. He's gone crazy.

I'd heard stories at my old school, but he's so much worse.

You're joking. I owe him money!

Go, quick! Tell everyone! Nobody's safe.

Good work, brand manager.

Oh, yeah. I'm back!

Took me three hours last night to perfect this walk,

and I nailed it!

KIDS LAUGH

Oh!

Oh, Meefa! You've stung him again.

Quick, your phone.

Do something to make fun of him.

CAMERA CLICKS

Oh! No...

I've made it your profile pic.

What's this?

The Vipers? Playing basketball?

Oh, this is hilarious!

Look at them!

Meefa, they are so bad.

I know, like, so bad.

It would literally go viral.

Good idea.

No! I mean... nah, best not.

You're not really thinking of playing with them?

No. I'll be cheering on the opposition.

Go, Lions!

Oh! You are so funny!

You should totally join my team.

OK, be chill.

Comets. Totally.

Totally.

I mean, you're good enough to sit on the bench,

which is way better than playing with losers.

On the bench? Sure.

WHISPERING: But not for long.

WHISTLE BLOWS

This needs a wool cycle. Your sister's out of control.

I know. She has to be stopped.

I had it. I was back to where I was! Now look!

There's only one thing left to do. We need to crush her.

Crush the very one who orchestrated your downfall.

Yes!

Meaning...?

Dry marrowfats.

For real.

Wait. That's your own sister.

She'll get over it.

I'll... colour-code her sock drawer or something.

So no pretendies? No pretendies.

We're about to step through the looking glass.

Ready?

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Look, the answer is still no.

Why would you post this?

Wait, what? Uh-oh.

I didn't post that.

It's your account.

It must have been Jessica.

Nuh-uh! She's, like, super lovely.

Does Jess even know what you're really like?

Come on, girls.

I'm trying to apologise.

Get stuffed.

You think we're pathetic, but at least we play.

You're so worried about what everyone thinks that you won't,

even though you're dying to.

No, I'm not. I don't want to play.

You do. Just not with us.

That's not true.

It's so true.

Look, I know we're not the popular kids.

More like mid-table.

Nobody thinks we can qualify for the league.

But there's a chance -

a small chance - that we can get a win against Lions.

And you could, too, if you just got over yourself.

You're one of us, Aoife. Embrace it.

You're a sporty, nerdy girl who's also very pale,

which is where we all differ.

But that's all.

Look, I just want to try new things.

What, like scribbling dead caterpillars on your face?

Aoife!

It's your cool friend.

Ugh, not now!

Tell 'em I'm not... You have friends!

I had all this mummy guilt about moving,

but this just makes everything worthwhile.

Oh, hey. Meefa! I've talked to my coach.

He said you should meet him.

Wait. Seriously?

Whoops. Dilemma.

I don't want to play.

You do. Just not with us.

Yeah, but... we're going to do something fun first.

CROWD CHANTS: Lions! Lions! Lions! Lions! Lions! Lions! Lions! Lions!

Wait for my signal. I don't know.

I'm not a real bully. This could be a slippery slope.

Stay strong. It's just this once. Lions! Lions! Lions!

Hold. Hold. Lions! Lions! Lions!

Now! I can't.

It's not me.

Yes, I like a prank and a good money-making scheme,

but this crosses the line.

It's fine. We'll find another way.

Lions! Lions! Lions! Lions!

We're cheering for the opposition.

How do mean girls sing such mean things?

It was literally your idea.

Er... it was?

I'll be cheering on the opposition.

Go, Lions!

And it's even funnier with more people,

so I invited everyone.

You invited our school to cheer for the other team?

I know. It's the kind of thing we do.

Lions! Lions! Lions!

Come on, let's sit, teamy.

Lions! Lions! Lions! Lions! Lions! Lions! Lions! Lions! Lions! Lions!

Lions! Lions! Lions! Lions! Lions!

Lions! Lions! Lions! Lions!

That's it. You're not my teamy, and you never will be.

You think it's all about how good you are.

Because it is.

Yeah, well, kind of.

But mostly it's about who you are.

And I don't like what I see.

Are you sure about this, Meefa?

My name is Aoife.

So, OK, let's do a replay.

I started off like, "New house, new school!"

And then Mum was like, "Please gift us..."

"..lovely new friends for Aoife!"

You're actually popular?

So then I was like, "Hey, I'm New Aoife -

"sassy, popular and surprisingly good at arm wrestling."

And then Zara was like... I'm Zara.

"I'm super pushy! Join us!"

ALL: Please?

And Charlotte was all, "Rhinestones are so last season."

Slay! Posting immediately.

And Nyla was like, "Look at my scary zombie finger."

JOINT CRUNCHES Grr! Dislocated.

WEAKLY: Yummy!

But I want to be part of Jessica's gang.

And Jess was like, "Ooh, Meefa, I'm actually a really mean girl."

So I discovered that being part of a cool gang

was a bit of a let-down.

And so now I made a decision...

WHISPERING: ..I never thought I'd make.

Zara, you were right.

I'm a sporty, nerdy girl.

We are sporty girls.

We sweat, we pant, sometimes our bits wobble.

But what's important is we play.

So let's show Jessica that we're not almost a proper team,

we ARE a team. Whoa.

Excellent speech.

Bangin'.

Zara, did you hear it?

Yeah, but I didn't actually hear her asking to join the team.

That's basically what I said in my speech

if you just go back over it.

Really?

"I am a spotty, nerdy girl. We are sporty girls.

"We sweat, we pant, sometimes our bits wobble.

"But what's important is we play.

"So let's show Jessica we're not almost a proper team,

"we ARE a team."

I have an IQ of 148.

Hmm.

Actually, she didn't explicitly say it, did she?

Disappointing.

OK, look, New Aoife was kind of an idiot,

so I'm going to be New New Aoife, which is basically New Old Aoife.

And...?

And I'd like to join the team and play in the league?

ZARA INHALES SHARPLY Ooh...

Hmm...

You're in. Oh, thanks!

Yes!

Scrum down.

One, two, three!

ALL: Vipers!

MUSIC: Revolution by James Barrie and Sam Roth

THEY COUGH AND RETCH

WHISTLE BLOWS

♪ We come together

♪ Break free and understand

♪ Our people power

♪ We must go hand in hand

♪ Hands up

♪ For a new kind of revolution

♪ Godspeed, the tiger in your heart... ♪

WHISTLE BLOWS Yes!

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ Revolution... ♪

CHEERING

♪ Revolution

♪ Revolution... ♪

Yeah, that's right. I'm a bona fide hooper.

Now to finish this one in style.

It's a good thing you backed out.

You'd never have made that shot.

Eh? With my eyes shut!

Oh, yeah? Welcome to Clanger's dream, where anything is possible.

Oh, yeah? Well, watch this.

♪ Revolution... ♪

HE BLOWS

♪ Revolution... ♪

BONK! ♪ Revolution... ♪

CROWD GASPS

Oops.

WHISTLE BLOWS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BUZZER

It's OK. We won, we made it into the league,

and I'm still popular.

And I still have their respect.

Do something to make fun of her.

CAMERA CLICKS

Loser!

And it's gone.

♪ Doo-doo-doo, doo, doo, doo-doo

♪ Doo-doo-doo, doo, doo, doo-doo. ♪