Original subtitles

It's been said that within all of us,

there is a hero prepared to rise against the odds,

regardless of how insurmountable they may appear.

Just so happens at this particular moment,

a hero, unbeknownst to himself,

is entombed within the trunk of this moving vehicle.

But...

I'm getting ahead of myself.

Let me take you back a bit.

And yes, this tale of the macabre is in fact 99% factual.

Thank you. Oh, thank God.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

Oh, for a second there. I thought I was a goner.

Oh.

Oh, thanks a mil, Mister, uh...

It's cool.

Yeah, we got plenty of time to get acquainted.

As soon as you get me outta this pickle.

For the life of me, I can't figure out how I got here,

or where here is, for that matter.

A wooden box.

Coffin!

Awesome.

You know, the sooner you get me outta here,

the better it's gonna be for the both of us,

'cause you just hit the jackpot, 'cause my name's-

Tyler Ackerman.

Son of mobster scum-fuck Russell Ackerman.

Look, whatever my father likely did

has got nothing to fucking do with me.

This has nothing to do with your father,

per se.

9.9 times out of 10, he would be the sole guilty party.

I did drop a "per se",

and for a high school dropout, such as yourself,

the definition being...

By or in itself, or oneself, or themselves.

So, you see, your father's on my...

Along with you and your crony.

Now you know why you're in this pickle?

I don't, I, I...

My friends call me "N.C.".

Since we're in no God damn way that,

you will call me

Mr. Fucking Caruthers!

Mr. Caruthers.

Mr. Fucking Caruthers!

Okay, okay, okay, okay! Mr. Fucking Caruthers.

Whoever told you what you think I did

is a liar.

That was a wrong place, wrong time type of thing.

You gotta understand, it's just business.

I mean...

Hey, stop. What're you doing?

Stop. Don't you, don't you fucking dare!

Fuck you! You fucking loser.

You fuck!

Oh, you're a dead man!

You're so fucking dead!

Come on, you little fuck!

Come back, come back!

Please, please, just come back.

Just, come on! I, I...

Suburban Fighter.

Gnarly.

Wicked.

Dope move.

Motherfucker broke my tooth!

Teeth.

Plural.

Oh, you.

I foresee dentures in your immediate fucking future!

Lennox! Cool the fuck out, man!

No, we need this guy alive!

No, if he croaks, our employer's gonna fuck us to the max

before ever lets us live!

Clear enough picture for you?

Oh, for fuck sakes, man!

Oh, fuck. You really did this time.

Fuck.

What? He's, uh...

He's dead?

Yeah, shit for brains.

I mean, this is basic cause and effect.

You repeatedly stomp on a man's skull,

chances of him expiring are pretty colossal!

Oh, fuck!

I mean, this dude isn't young either.

If the blunt force trauma doesn't do him in, then I mean,

his bad ticker's gonna.

Uh...

I didn't mean to. He just...

Yeah. You feel like shit?

Yeah. You ought a.

Fuck! To think I vouched for you for this gig!

You, you just dug my own grave, alongside your fuckin' own!

Oh, Casey, I'm sorry! I just have this temper.

And I just wanna fucking punch things and...

Oh, my God, chill out!

Are you nuts?

It's a joke. This is a fucking joke.

Why would you do that? I could've concussed myself.

Oh, my God. I mean, it must hurt.

- Yeah? - Yeah, I mean...

- A little bit, yeah. - Yeah, okay.

Too bad. Pick up the piece of shit.

You son of a bitch!

♪ Look into my eyes ♪

♪ Gonna find it hard to leave ♪

♪ Look into my eyes ♪

♪ Gonna see what you can't see ♪

♪ When you take my hand ♪

♪ Show you the way. ♪

Seriously, B?

Don't at me, Ava.

I'm working as hard as I can, as fast as I can.

Yeah, that's not what I meant.

However, since you mentioned it, this floor doesn't look

any less vomit-inducing than when you started.

Yeah, well, no amount of hard work is gonna

make this place not look like the bowels of hell.

And what did I do to deserve this: Seriously, B

comment?

Oh, yeah. That.

Well, as you know, I'm tough as an ox,

but weak when it comes to certain scents.

Brain matter being one of them.

Now, buckets of blood I can handle,

but when it comes to this shit,

instant projectile. I just-

Okay, so where's your trusty face mask

to deal with this sort of dilemma?

Two words. Casey fuckin' Flanagan.

Ugh. That's three words.

And also, say no more.

Bitch gloated that she flushed it, alongside her turd.

Who does that?

Anyway, my savior of two years, gone forever.

You know you're like twice her size, right? So how?

And, sorry, why do you let her push you around?

Because my mate since elementary school

decided to promote that jabroni to her number one lap dog,

and seniority is a bitch.

Mm.

You know that I had absolutely nothing to do with that.

Besides, even if I did,

your emesis problem would be a very tough sell, Benny.

- I'm sorry. - Bane of my existence.

Yeah. But we'll always be BFFs.

Yeah, well, if it doesn't get me out of custodial duties,

it amounts to dick-all.

Okay. Benny, my sweet?

- Yes? - Hurry the fuck up.

I wanna go home.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yes?

Yes?

A, B, C. One, two, three.

Dr. Killian?

You brought us dinner.

How very out of character.

I am never out of character.

Okay.

I just... Could you be so kind?

I, um, I'm confused.

What are you doing back again so soon?

Did your father not notify you?

No. That's a pattern, I'm afraid.

It's just, you usually only do one house call a day.

Tonight is that million-dollar exception.

Oh, and your father is en route.

Oh.

Who could it be?

I think you may know.

Shit.

What is the meaning of this?

What do you mean? Clean as a whistle, Cochise.

Who told you to clean up?

It's my job, man. That's what I do around here.

A grotesque aftermath does half the job!

Put it back as it was!

Come on. Come on!

- Come on. - Fuck, Benny!

Fuckin' horse shit!

Final destination, asshole.

Loving the Hammer Horror meets torture porn crossover.

Don't mind my com padre. He's a huge horror junkie.

Where do you want him?

The, uh, chair of doom.

Oh, this place is getting better and better!

The deadbeat of the day is ready for maximum displeasure.

How often did you barge into the office,

when my brother was running things?

He wouldn't have minded.

That's not what I asked.

Dressed to impress tonight, Casey?

Do you have any word on Tyler?

No.

But apparently that fellow you picked up may know something.

Really?

Yeah, my father's so certain,

he had the doc come back again tonight.

Ooh! Twice within 24 hours?

Now, that's unprecedented.

Mm-hm.

Appears to be the theme of the evening, I'm afraid.

Yeah. You don't have to tell me that twice.

Mm!

No one told me there'd be eye candy up in this hellhole.

Dressed to impress.

And passed with flyin' colors!

Yeah.

You.

Me.

Your batting average is for shit thus far.

A word of advice, shut the fuck up until I say otherwise,

and we might just live to see beyond tonight.

To the uninitiated.

Ouch.

My name is Ava.

Ava Ackerman.

And as of today,

I will be taking over the role of Underboss.

I know, I know.

A woman in an authoritarian role,

in this line of work.

Well, you're just going to have to get used to it

for the time being.

This isn't a "fuck the patriarchy" moment.

It's a case of my presently missing brother.

Like I was saying.

I will be filling in for my brother, for the time being.

And if I were you, I would save my energy

until my father arrives.

You're gonna wish that you did.

Okay, fine. Sure.

I guess a sneak preview wouldn't hurt.

You guys put that on really fuckin' tight.

What's with the shades?

Okay.

I'll chalk it up to a last request.

Oh, yeah.

I can see Dr. Killian getting a real kick working on you.

Fuck you.

Oh, fuck me? Fuck me?

I gather he's not on your radar, right?

'Cause if he was, you would've surely shit yourself by now.

You have something really important to say, don't you?

And it just can't wait.

Whoa. I don't think that's such a hot idea, Ava.

- I say do it. - You would.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, maybe I'm implying that

you wouldn't mind seeing Ava fuck up on day one.

Yeah? And what would I gain from that?

Well, you're hoping and thinking, everything.

- You're way off, lap dog. - Man, sit and spin, bitch!

What the fuck did you say?

How about it?

Mister...

Casey, Mister?

Uh, Nash Caruthers.

Caruthers.

How about it, Mr. Caruthers?

Would I be making a grave mistake,

removing the tape from your mouth?

Do you have something to say concerning my brother

that just cannot wait a couple hours more?

Well, the floor is yours.

For your sake, don't waste it.

Can we rewind things a little bit?

Rewind things?

I was finishing your sentence,

but it was muted by the tape.

If you could go back a couple of lines,

I'd gladly repeat what I said.

Mm.

You like games. Don't you, Mr. Caruthers?

I don't.

I just think without the setup,

what I'm gonna say is gonna lose the desired effect.

I'm not fucking around, stalling, 'cause like you said,

Big Daddy Ackerman is still a couple of hours away.

Now, if what I say doesn't get a reaction,

which I know it will,

all you have to do is gag me up again.

Your only worry

will be that little fuckin' retarded, worthless

fucktard who totally screams snitch.

Hm.

But that's a you problem.

I know what my problem is.

No two ways around that.

Okay.

Okay, fine. I'll, uh, I'll go along with it.

So, what would you like me to say, Mr. Director?

Just repeat what you said, before I rudely interrupted.

Well, I talk a lot, so you're gonna have to remind me.

You said...

"Yada, yada, yada."

I am woman. Hear me roar.

"It's a case of my presently missing brother."

That's a decent memory that you have.

I wish it wasn't the case.

Okay, sure. Fuck, fuck it.

For all intent and purposes, I will stick to your script,

because honestly, I, I don't recall, so...

- Action. - Thanks.

Yada, yada, yada.

Fuck the patriarchy thing.

A case of my presently missing-

Deceased brother!

How do you know that?

Take a wild guess, honey bitch.

Listen. He's full of shit, Ava.

Don't listen to him.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Then why did these stooges

put in all the effort to nab me?

Ask 'em!

All I know is this idiot left behind

a mile-wide red herring.

It's almost like he was trying to get-

Caught!

Listen here, little miss.

I did your little mafia a world of good

by removing big brother from the equation.

Definitely not leadership material.

He was a no good,

worthless ass piece of...

Ava!

Jesus Christ!

Casey, get the doc!

He's here?

He's in the cafeteria! Get him!

If this guy bleeds out, we're dead!

Go, now!

Give me your shirt, what's-his-name! Give me your shirt!

- This is new! - Give it to me!

- Ah fuck! - Do it!

Yeah.

Oh, fuck!

Fuck!

Oh.

God. Thank you.

Thought you'd wanna know that, uh,

Killian's hard at work on that perp.

B, I really fucked up back there.

I don't know what came over me.

I think you released a lot of tension

in the worst time and way possible.

Between you and me,

you know, I'm just the temp Underboss.

The moment my father found out

that his golden boy slash my kid brother was missing,

he didn't know what to do.

It was never in the cards for me

to permanently take over the family business.

So, if Caruthers flat lines, accept my sincerest apologies.

Hey.

You'll never have to apologize to me.

Not ever.

Look on the bright side.

At least you achieved catharsis, huh?

Fuck!

Yeah, fuck.

Doc?

Never in my wildest dreams

did I think I would be saving a life again.

Sorry.

I think some extra zeros to my fee will suffice.

Yeah. Yeah, of course.

And if everybody else could keep this incident,

this small, tiny, tiny little incident to yourselves,

that would be greatly appreciated.

That goes doubly for you, Casey.

Like the doc said, some extra dough.

Fine, okay. Fuck, fine.

I will wire all of you money by Monday morning, if he lives.

So, boss, how you gonna spin this one?

Just, um, um...

You know, just that...

Oh, okay. I know.

Just that I took the initiative to secure the guest myself,

and in, in the, the process, he took the scalpel

and, and attempted suicide.

Luckily, he is one tough curvă.

No quit in him.

Yet.

Thank God for that.

So...

So, when, when can we expect him to wake up?

Hard to tell.

Who are you?

Okay, here's the dilemma.

On one hand, it was extremely unprofessional of me

to do what I did to you.

Admittedly, that...

It was actually my first act of physical violence.

On the other hand,

my father seems to think that you have something to do

with the disappearance of my brother.

So, naturally, you can understand why I did what I did.

So, I am sorry, but actually, no, I'm not sorry.

I know

his whereabouts.

No.

No, no, no. Uh...

I'll wait for my father this time.

Okay.

Can we play a game?

You don't like games.

Something to pass the time.

No, no, no, no.

You are an ace at pushing my buttons.

So, I think that I will go ahead and just sit this one out.

You ever play hot and cold?

Mm.

Well, yeah.

If you win,

you gain some much needed brownie points with Daddy.

I get the impression he doesn't have the utmost confidence

his little girl is up to the task.

This guy's trouble.

Cold.

Extreme cold.

Gettin' warmer.

You're gettin' warmer.

Okay, but this isn't gonna work from this point on.

Why don't you try your phone?

Her phone.

Warmish.

Warmer, but less so.

Is it just me or is it getting toasty?

Hot!

All right, little miss. Take a look and see what you've won.

Have at it, lug wrench.

Nah.

Great. Perfect. Perfect.

Thanks a lot.

Oh, God.

I guess it's not just brain matter that makes me queasy.

Oh.

Okay. Do, do I even wanna look?

It's bad, but it's not your brother.

Oh.

Yeah, but we still got another one to go, so...

Real smooth, Mr. Tact.

I think that's Gino D'Amico.

Yeah.

Oh, it's Gino D'Amico. Who's Gino D'Amico?

Brother's bestie.

Well...

Onto the next.

Shall we?

Yeah?

Oh, fuck!

Oh, fuck!

Oh, fuck!

Yeah, no.

Lennox!

Where are the keys?

Hey! Hey, the keys!

Uh, they're on my desk!

Help me close this door.

Hurry!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Where do you think you're going?

Away from here!

No, no! What about the guy that we, no, no, no!

Listen. I am an independent contractor.

Whatever this is, is not in my job description!

This is an Ackerman problem!

They must sort it out, for themselves!

Where are my fucking keys?

Oh, dude.

That sounded odious.

May I suggest we make like the good doctor

and blow this joint?

- Killian left? - Without hesitation.

Fuck me!

Did you lock the door behind him?

Yeah, I think so!

Unconvinced, Casey.

Okay, what are you waiting for?

I don't know.

Check the door.

Go!

All right. So, what do we do now, boss?

- We can't leave. - And why not?

Because my father, our boss, will be here any minute.

Okay, but in the meantime?

We get some answers.

What the fuck is going on?

Karma.

No.

No. Benny did not deserve such a fate.

What the hell are you talking about?

You don't remember Benny?

You should. He just saved your fucking life.

The reason I buried those fucks

was to give this cesspool of evil some bad mojo.

Just not to this extent.

More importantly, not with me in the thick of it.

This wasn't your doin'?

I guess you could say inadvertently.

But look.

If I had those kind of abilities,

I sure wouldn't waste them on reanimating any of you dildos.

So, how did you find out about our place?

The night I captured your brother, he and his goon

brought a trio of chicks here for what was

some sex type shindig.

Hm.

That's not out of character.

However, I didn't think that he'd be stupid enough

to fuck around in Dad's safe house.

Kids get off defying their parents.

Oh, yeah?

Do you have a kid, Mr. Caruthers?

Had. Past tense.

Sorry.

Your brother wasn't!

Hence his fate!

Tyler murdered your kid?

My 19-year-old girl,

and my wife!

How can you be certain?

Because that sick fuck recorded it,

on my daughter's cell, and then sent it to me!

Why?

How does he even know who you are?

Hey. He's here.

- Hm, what was that? - He's here.

Oh, it's about fuckin' time. Let's go.

No. Go get yourself cleaned up.

- Why? - He can't see you like this.

Oh.

Change of clothes in the front closet.

Oh.

Two of everything, always.

- Right. - Yeah.

- Thanks. - What are number twos for?

Okay. Yeah you're not so bad, Casey.

Mm-hm.

Lennox?

Stay put.

Sure thing, boss.

Tyler?

Leave it off!

Sorry.

Being boxed up for Satan knows how long,

it's obviously scrambled some things.

No. No apology necessary.

What happened?

I remember being out with Gino at Diesel's.

We're drinking.

Having fun.

It's like the usual shit. Uh...

Things are obviously a little hazy, by the end of the night.

On this occasion, I remember waking up in a box.

Unable to move.

This man.

This horrible man.

Nash Caruthers?

We have him in the chamber.

It's ironic that we can thank your captor,

now our captee, for finding you.

What'd he tell you?

An entirely different story.

How did you get out, man?

My best friend saved me.

He murdered mine.

Yeah.

Gino thought Benny was Caruthers.

Solitary confinement obviously fucked him up.

Obviously.

If it's any consolation, he feels really bad about it.

Well, it explains why he looked so off-kiltered.

I mean, but where is he?

- Around. - Talk about a miracle.

Thanks be to Lenora Gimble.

- Who's Lenora Gimble? - Pops here?

No. Any minute.

I need to see Caruthers.

No, no, no, no. Dad wants him alive.

Now.

I'm not so sure that that's a great idea, Tyler.

- You're still in shock. - Fuck you, Ava!

This is my birthright!

Even in my current capacity, pops would still pick me.

And you know it.

Hey! Easy, man.

How about it, sis?

Yeah. Like you said.

Good girl.

Lennox, open up! Come on, Lennox!

Where are my keys?

Lennox, open up!

This isn't the time to be fuckin' around, man!

The boss just arrived!

Lennox, open up!

Lennox? Stay put.

Sure thing, boss.

You wanna have a little

fun?

Thought you'd never ask, buttercup.

How you doing there, buddy?

Does that hurt?

Ooh!

Ouch.

Don't pass out on me.

This is gonna be fun.

Money aside,

the main reason I wanted in on this particular job

was so that I could witness an underground legend

like Dr. Titus fucking Killian do his thang!

Yeah.

I wanted to be smack in the middle of

one of those twisted tales I've heard so much about!

Yeah, see, uh, in my youth, I'd, uh,

I'd seek out the most gruesome,

depraved, disturbing fucking horror movies

I could get my grimey little fuckin' paws on!

And I just, oh, I watched the shit outta them.

Ah, back in the good old glorious days of VHS.

Cannon fucking Films.

Yes!

Yeah, right.

You get it.

They were cool.

They were cool, but uh, my main jam

were the movies the Italians were making in the 70s and 80s.

Yeah. Those fuckers know gore.

Like the fucking slashing and the fucking stabbing!

And fuck this!

Fuck! I love that shit.

Um...

Movies like, uh...

"Burial Ground".

And, uh...

"Zombie".

That's a good one.

And, um...

"Anthropophagus"!

I mean, what does that even fucking mean?

It's like cannibals and there's blood, and they...

Fuckin' blood and like...

Fuck, I love that shit. I love the blood!

I love the blood.

Anyway, uh...

Long-ass story short...

I was thinking this might be my opportunity to finally

see Mondo in the flesh.

Sadly, Dr. Killian is no longer with us.

And that leaves me feeling a little deprived.

And that really bums me out, man.

Like...

But...

I think to myself.

Here I am,

in that torture porn capital of Chasden

with all of the doctor's dastardly gear at my disposal.

And I think to myself...

I think...

"Why don't I make my very own snuff movie?"

You got issues, boy.

Yeah.

I do. I fucking do.

I do, but this whole operation's going up in flames anyway,

so why not make the most of it?

Ah.

When your world is crashed, set it on fire.

Exactly.

Now, where do we start?

Hey. Can I have one last request?

Why not?

I'm really feelin' that mean machete down there.

Where?

Down there. Take a look.

Look under the hood.

Fondness for Voorhees, huh?

Nah.

"Commando".

Commando.

You know...

You're all right, Nash!

Call me Mr. Caruthers.

Kick out the jams, motherfucker!

Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Holy shit!

Holy fuck!

Ooh!

Oh, yes!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Oh, fuckin' A!

Fuck!

Ah, fuck!

Cock fuck!

Fuck!

God damn it.

Fuck!

Bitch!

Lennox, open up!

Come on, Lennox!

Lennox!

Open the door!

Screw it. I say we leave

Out of the question.

Tyler, we have two of our own people, okay? Probably more.

They knew the risks.

Fuck this place!

This place has served only two functions for our family!

One, being to extract information from helpless captives,

and the other being ruthless retribution

towards helpless captives, okay?

The point is that the deck is always stacked in our favor,

with absolutely zero risk.

This is that 0.01% chance where it swings the other way.

It is what it is.

Oh, God!

Oh, my God, Lennox! What happened?

Daddy?

Hello, pumpkin.

My boy.

I thought I lost you.

What the fuck?

You look like shit, son.

We need to get some food inside you, and fast.

Ava, order us some Burgers, Burgers, Burgers.

Everyone good with Burgers, Burgers, Burgers?

- I'm good, Pops. - Nonsense.

Yeah, I said I'm good!

Suit yourself.

Daddy!

That wasn't a family, was it?

Good.

No harm, no foul.

Father! What the fuck is that?

Whoops.

My bad.

Flashback, shall we?

You were just gonna bail the scene, Titus.

I'm shocked..

Not to mention disappointed.

I was...

I'm aware this particular situation

is out of the ordinary.

But

the status quo,

my status quo,

can never,

will never be disrupted.

The walking dead.

Ah, the devil himself

is not above me!

I was afraid!

Oh, the kicker.

You fear someone,

something,

more than you do

Russell Ackerman?

That's what hurts the most.

Oh!

A little secret.

I've been taking Muay Thai lessons for some time.

My kicks are a work in progress, but...

My elbows.

Good luck replacing me!

Like, you gonna get Ketomaki?

He's a fucking hack!

There is no room on one mountain for two tigers!

Voila.

Where's Gino?

You know me and loose ends.

He was far gone, son.

I put him out of his misery.

And done you a world of good.

Plus, Gino was a lousy friend.

What're you waiting for, princess?

The least you can do is bring these boys some drinks!

In my car, you'll find the good stuff in the trunk.

Bring it in.

This is going to be a very special occasion.

Thanks be to Lenora Gimble.

The town of Chasden is known for its affable,

peaceful nature.

This is a place that's been voted, on several occasions,

the most tranquil in the country.

This is a place that people come to escape to,

to get away from this chaos of city life,

perhaps to start a family.

This is something this reporter can attest to.

There's no more closer-knit community

than the one you'll find here in Chasden.

Crime?

We're talking zero murder rate.

That was, until that fateful night on August 12th, 1986.

An incident so shocking

that its ripple effect would change this beautiful town

and its good, decent inhabitants forever.

Mr. Nash Caruthers.

We finally meet.

We've mistreated

a great deal of individuals in the

very spot

you now find yourself in.

Decades worth of pain,

suffering,

reside in the DNA of this room.

Can ya feel it?

Despite your worst intentions,

the Ackermans stand as strong as ever!

Don't you wanna know what your little shit did

to deserve being on the receiving end of my warpath?

Let me guess.

Uh...

He took advantage of your daughter?

Or, uh, perhaps...

Judging by, uh, this photo...

Your lovely wife.

He murdered them both!

Is this true?

O Tyler.

Did you indeed slay the women in his life?

Definitely.

Was it avoidable?

Definitely.

Oh-oh, do you have any other children?

Or, uh,

perhaps a mistress

to live for?

Yeah.

You know, as a fellow dad,

I would like to do the unprecedented thing

and spare your life.

Now, there's been no real harm done,

except, well, perhaps on the psychological side,

which, which can be mended with therapy.

Regrettably, I...

I am opposed to loose ends.

Call it a compulsion. A...

It is...

what it is.

Oh, FYI.

On the drive over here, I loathed you to the umpth degree.

I was fully prepared to rain down unspeakable rage on your

body, mind and soul!

But...

But...

The man standing before you at this juncture

is the very model of, uh, impassive.

Now, whether that means you

suffer more or, uh,

less than you would've in my, uh,

previous state, is another question altogether.

Do tell me...

Which way

your experience goes

during these

your final moments...

You're boring me, fuck-face.

If all that hot air is supposed to give me the willies,

that's a huge fail.

I got nothin' to lose.

So, your worst, at the very best, might just piss me off!

Stop!

This better be fucking important, Ava!

We need to leave, now.

Reason being?

Lenora Gimble.

Patience...

dissipating.

What about that cunt?

Were you aware that she was murdered and buried

on this property, 30 years ago?

Yeah!

Did you have a hand in her death?

But of course!

Lenora was the Chamber of Terror's very first patron.

Why?

Because I was asked, by a few concerned citizens,

if I could talk some sense into Lenora.

They believed she was a bonafide witch

that would curse the town.

Needless to say, I chalked Lenora up as the local loon

with knowledge of Chasden's seedier side,

prepared to expose the town for what it really is.

You know how important Chasden's

goodie-two-shoes persona is to them!

In a nutshell, I came to the conclusion that the best manner

of dealing with meddlers is to paint a vivid picture

that would ripple down through generations to come!

Actually...

This painting is a snapshot of that joyous occasion.

Those are my hands on that nail gun.

This trusty nail gun.

And why have you never told us this story before?

Because it didn't concern any of you.

Lenora was my very first masterpiece!

She served no purpose, six feet under.

What are you talking about?

I went back and dug her up, a few months ago,

and brought, well, what remained of her, here...

right where she belongs!

Why?!

Why are you doing this, mister?!

I didn't do anything wrong!

Please! Please don't hurt me.

God. Lenora?

Which you then replied:

The Lord giveth.

The Chamber taketh away.

Oh, fuck!

What the fuck?

It's jammed! It's jammed!

- Shut the fuck up! - Fuck off, man!

Ava, what the fuck do you think you're doing?

Fuck you, Russell! We need help!

We can trust you, right?

- For the time being. - That'll do.

My son! Why?

That should hold it for a bit. Let's split.

We can't leave.

You see? This is Lucifer's pad now.

Best we stay out of his affairs.

Don't you feel the least bit responsible?

My scheme to exact revenge tanked somewhere along the way,

yet, somehow, retribution was served nonetheless,

which goes to show your family's fate

was doomed to end tonight, one way or another.

Uh, yeah. You didn't answer my question.

Look here, little miss.

I haven't decided what I should do with you yet.

You saving my ass has complicated shit.

So, for your sake, don't uncomplicate it!

We can't leave.

Not after unwittingly unleashing a plague!

You heard your father.

This town was in on that poor girl's death!

The town of Chasden deserves what's coming to it.

Including the innocent?

All right.

How do you propose we go about killing what's already dead?

I don't know.

How'd you find out all that stuff about Lenora?

YouTube.

Okay. For starters, we gotta find out where she's buried.

Where do you guys traditionally dispose of your victims?

I also don't know that. Um...

It's a long story, but this is my first day on the job.

My father kept me away from the unsavory cases,

such as yourself, until today, so...

No whiff of a stale fart? A rumor?

No. They definitely knew better.

I wish you would've guilted me

into saving this shithole town sooner.

If I knew we needed that piece of shit father of yours

in one piece a little while longer,

I would've put in some effort to save the prick.

Ah, forget it.

It's a lost cause. We tried.

No, no, no. Well, I, uh...

The maintenance room. Oh! Ah!

You know, if we, um, find her remains...

Okay, so, hear me out.

If we find her remains,

which has got to be hidden here somewhere

and give her, I don't know, like a proper funeral,

then this nightmare will have to end.

Right?

If we're gonna do this, we gotta go balls-deep.

Oh.

No turning back.

Are you ready for that?

Um, I don't know about "balls-deep".

Oh.

Balls.

Deep.

Okay.

Yeah, sure. Deep, deep, deep it is.

Okay.

So, this is, this is your van. I got that part.

You are a human Swiss Army knife. Check.

There's just one thing I can't grasp.

After you dumped my brother and his crew

in the maintenance room, you hid this van in the woods?

Yep.

You're not from around here.

Nope.

So, how the fuck did you get back home?

Hello?

Hi, um, is this the priest of the household?

I am he. To whom am I speaking?

Ava Ackerdoe.

Ava Doe.

How may I be of assistance?

Firstly, I do apologize for the late call,

but unfortunately, it couldn't be helped.

Is there any way that we can speak in person like right now?

Ms. Doe, it is awfully late.

Please, Father. This is of the utmost importance.

I assure you.

What's this concerning?

It's just, it's just if I tell you over the phone,

you'll hang up.

I know I would.

You don't know that, my child.

Please. I'm all ears.

We are sorry for inconveniencing you.

Okay but this really, really is a matter of life or death,

for the citizens of Chasden.

There is, like, this entity.

We need you to perform a way-past-due funeral!

Yeah.

It's kind of like an exorcism,

just without all of the vomiting and insults,

objects flying around.

Hopefully.

Easy peasy.

As soon as private mass is done, we will take you back home,

along with an extremely generous donation to the church.

Don't do anything fuckin' stupid!

Language, Caruthers!

You can both understand how all this sounds on my end?

Yes. Okay, yes, totally.

And, and I apologize that we have to dispense with the usual

you know, like, "What up, who are you, who am I?"

Formalities.

Unfortunately, time is not on our side.

So, you're gonna have to just get by

with the whole faith angle, you know,

that the Church swears by.

Who is the soul we're laying to rest?

She's been dead as a doornail for quite some time.

What's her name?

Lenora... You'll find out in due time!

For me to perform a funeral, there are certain things

I would need, in order for it to be valid.

You can't just fake through it,

or it won't have the effect you're looking for.

Yes. Okay, so way ahead of you.

I took the liberty of packing your wardrobe, rosary,

cross, and the Good Book.

There's one more thing. Without it-

- Covered! - Not alcohol.

Though, to be frank, I wouldn't mind some.

This is the hardest liquor

on God's semi-green earth, God damn it.

And that would be?

Okay, so, are we missing anything else?

Well, it hasn't tripped yet, so that's a good sign.

It's what's inside that counts.

Okay, so considering that poor girl

was this place's first victim, my gut tells me

that my father would keep her remains here for

sentimental reasons.

And where would that be?

I've got a hunch.

You got a lot of hunches.

That's true.

I'm gonna give the vicar here a tour.

An unmotivated priest isn't gonna do us a lick of good.

Parson?

Don't do anything stupid.

I might've been raised Catholic, but that doesn't mean

I'm gonna hesitate putting a giant manhole in your chest!

Okay, so, what he means to say

is that you are the only clergyman in town.

So, if we fail, well, you'd be failing God.

I got you covered.

Miss, um, Doe.

Actually, her name's Ava.

And you call me Mr. Caruthers.

All right, Mr. Caruthers.

If I heard correctly, did Ava mention a Lenora?

She wouldn't be referring to Lenora Gimble?

Bingo.

But she's been missing for-

More like dead for 25 years.

How do you know this?

I'll tell you the whole story, if we get outta this.

Fuck!

Anti-Heaven, in the flesh.

Crap. She's out.

Father

Montoya.

Do I know you?

Lenora, you've got your revenge.

Lenora Gimble?

I've only

just begun.

Who's left?

The town of Chasden.

The spawns of the people that wronged you

had nothing to do with your murder!

Guilty by association.

You of all should know.

What have you done?

Tranquilized the ghost chick.

"Tranquilized"?

You just murdered a troubled woman

in need of professional help!

You can't kill what's already dead.

The fuck away from me.

Found it!

Oh, sorry.

What, what, what's up?

You guys look like you just seen a ghost.

Really?

You're tellin' me you didn't hear all that racket?

Come to think of it, it was unusually stilly in there.

Ah, fuck this shit.

Oh, pardon his French.

Again.

I see you've met my family.

How do you know that's her?

Because that there is the Succubus Death Ecstasy logo.

Cut and dried, eh?

The shoe fits.

Yeah, I'll take your word for it.

Are you sure that I'll be of use to you?

All right.

Let's see what we can do with this.

Ah, this is gonna be one hell of a party.

Oh.

Where's the ugly beige suit?

Oh, I mean, it didn't work. Yeah, lots of blood.

What're you up to?

This witch is likely to put up a fight. I need some fuel!

Fuel?

You nearly killed me, and when I say nearly,

I mean not even fuckin' close.

I was kinda like a little bit close.

Where did you get this?

You people are drug dealers, aren't you?

Yes. It's one of the operations my father runs.

Ran. Past tense.

Oh, that's so right.

You're planning on seducing the dead with cocaine?

No!

Uh...

No, thank you.

Suit yourself.

Okay, how do I do this?

How the fuck do you do this shit?

Do you snort, increments, what?

I don't know! It's not my area of expertise!

What kind of mobster are you?

Like the very recently retired kind!

Wait a minute. You've never done this before?

Of course not!

Then why the fuck are you starting right now?

Because this Congo line is gonna Popeye me up!

That's what it's gonna do! - Who the fuck is Popeye?!

Fuckin' Millennials!

Seriously, who's he

And what the fuck does he have to do with this?

He's a cartoon sailor who-

Focus!

Popeye himself isn't really that important.

But once he gets his hands on some spinach and gulps it down

he gets these like superpowers and he can kick anyone's

fucking butt for a limited amount of time!

Okay.

Not only is that concept asinine,

but that you correlate eating spinach to snorting cocaine!

Got any better ideas?

No.

Mass!

Now!

Our father in heaven,

we thank you that through Jesus Christ,

you have given us the gift of eternal life.

All right, if the drugs don't kill me,

whatever the hell we're dealing with, will.

Either way, you win. Unless you bite the bullet, too.

You've got a death wish, Caruthers.

Where would be the fun in that?

Let's party!

Fuck yeah!

Um...

Uh...

Nash, Nash.

Shit.

Nash.

Shit.

Amen.

When the time has come,

let us depart in peace and see you face to face.

For you are the Lord of our salvation.

Congregation. Amen.

Congregation!

Yeah! Uh, Amen!

Is that it?

Father?

Rest in peace, Lenora.

Shit.

Caruthers.

Caruthers!

Ava!

Who's out there?

It's me. Tyler.

And Daddy.

Fuck that.

Our memory's a little hazy.

All I know is we've been given another shot,

and I'm not gonna squander it.

I apologize.

Honey, I bought you ice cream when you were a little kid!

I bought you...

How could you?

Obviously, you never met Russell.

Because if you did, you know that there's not a traumatic

situation in hell that could unblacken his heart.

Father?

Are you sure that you completed the ceremony?

It's

futile,

Ava!

The Ackerman

bloodline

ends

here.

Oh.

Lenora.

What my father did to you was unforgivable.

I understand why you want my family dead.

Why you want me dead.

Okay, I turned a blind eye on this place for years.

Naively, I just thought that everybody here had it coming.

But I now know that I was wrong.

You showed me that.

Okay? So, so please.

You can kill me.

Okay? But please just let that be the end of it.

The acceptance

of your

fate

is

Appreciated.

It

Does not

absolve

the town

of

Chasden.

It

Must

and

will

be

Eradicated.

Right behind ya, pizza face.

Crap.

Does this mean I'm gonna be on a strict blood sucker diet?

If so, stake me, pronto.

No.

Well...

No, no, no, no.

I've, I've never heard of a ghost vamp,

and her being the host, now being dead,

I think that puts you in the clear.

Beautiful.

Don't beat yourself up, kiddo. She was consumed by hate.

Yeah.

This was the inevitable conclusion to her story.

Mr. Caruthers?

Call me N.C.

Oh.

Okay.

N.C.

Have you finally made a decision

concerning the remaining Ackerman?

I'll let you live to tell the tale.

- Need a ride home? - Oh.

No, thanks. I think I ought a stay and clean up the mess.

Yeah, about that. I got a 90-second solution for ya.

Okay.

Oh.

What's this?

If I were you, I'd have my car started,

out front, door wide open.

Then burn rubber, baby, and I mean it.

Who are you?

Like I said at the start,

this tale is 99% factual.

We don't actually know if the C4 was the catalyst

for the destruction of this cesspool of evil.

And what about Ava Ackerman and Nash Caruthers,

the unlikely duo of heroes who had to trek to hell and back

to discover their place

in this topsy-turvy world we live in?

Ava's whereabouts are unknown at this time,

but I'd like to think that she's doing just fine.

And as for Mr. Caruthers,

he is about to enter the once tranquil site,

unceremoniously known

as Camp Gore.

Here, he will face, again, unbeknownst to himself,

the greatest adversity imaginable.

But that, my friends, is another tale entirely.