Original subtitles

Good morning, sir.

Hold all my calls.

I have to make a deposit.

Are you going to get back, sir?

No, no.

I'm going to go to the bathroom.

Good morning.

Oh, good morning.

I have an appointment with Senator Paul.

Well, I'm afraid it's rather busy right now.

Won't you please sit down?

Oh, thank you.

Indeed. Seems to be.

Even though we're in the middle of winter.

Ah, there's nothing like taking a good

shit in the morning, right, Queef?

Yes, Senator.

Senator? Yes?

You have a visitor.

My apologies. You must pardon me.

I knew there was a lady present. I've never spoken like that.

Excuse me, Senator, but I believe that I'm a little early.

Oh, no, no, no. All right. Please follow me.

Make yourself comfortable. Thank you.

Now, what can I do for you?

Senator, Congress has chosen President Ford because they found him to be the

best man for the job, right?

Right.

Senator, you wouldn't blame a girl to choose the best possible man for an

important project.

Would you?

No, I wouldn't.

Senator, I'm very lonely, and I'd like to have a baby.

I want you to make me a baby.

Am I hearing you correctly?

Yes, Senator, you heard me correctly.

I want a baby by you.

Has your husband consented to this?

Oh, I'm not married.

I'm a career girl.

And I can support my own child.

Ah, yes.

I understand.

I thought you would.

After all, I'm just doing what Congress did.

I'm choosing the best man for the job.

And you, Senator, are the best man to father my child.

Perhaps I should tell you.

I'm a married man.

Yes, I know.

Your wife's name is Mildred.

And she is 34 years old.

You are well informed.

What else do you know about me?

Well, I know that you are emotionally and psychologically sane.

You're in good health.

You have good bloodlines.

Got good habits.

Actually, you're an excellent breed, Senator.

I'm flattered.

As I said.

You are the best man for the job.

Were you thinking of artificial insemination?

No, Senator.

I was thinking of the natural way.

Ah, yes, the natural way. That is the best way.

And it sounds so exciting.

Yes, Senator.

But having a baby is serious business.

Please forgive me if I'm not precisely in the mood for pleasure.

Besides, I'm willing to pay you a decent fee for your services.

I'm not sure I want the money. Why?

There are a lot of scandals and investigations going on right now on

Hill. I would prefer not to owe you a favor.

You see, I want the child to be mine alone.

I see. I want to protect myself.

You have no children. You are very well informed about me.

Yes, Senator.

Nancy and I are old school friends.

Nancy?

Nancy who?

Nancy Johnson, the call girl.

Have you and Nancy been discussing my private life?

A little.

A little? What do you mean, a little?

Well, as I told you, we are good friends.

She knows that I'm lonely and that I want a child.

And besides, it turns me on to hear about you.

This is ridiculous.

Prostitutes are professionals, like doctors and lawyers.

What's done to them is in strictest confidence.

What else did she tell you?

She said that she enjoys working with you and that you come once a week and

you are generous and polite.

And you know what?

What? I think Nancy's a little in love with you.

Really? Did she say that?

Oh, not exactly.

But she did say that you're the only trick that can make her come. Oh,

Yes. But we are deviating from our business.

I know that your time is precious, so I'll get right to the point.

Okay, I'm listening.

I'm willing to pay you $10 ,000 for you to make love to me on the important

days of the month.

Oh, I can get pregnant.

I have prepared a document that will protect the both of us.

You will have no claims on the child, but at the same time it will free you of

any future obligations.

You see, Senator, this is very important to me.

And suppose I contribute my fees to the raising of the child.

What do you mean?

Well, I'm not a male prostitute.

And besides, you might be a vice cop. I guarantee you I'm not a vice cop. Let me

just say that.

You must forgive me, but we citizens pay a great deal of money in taxes to the

city, and they allocate a very substantial amount of those to vice

We have nothing better to do but go out and bust innocent people just for

expressing themselves liberally.

They'd love nothing better than to bust a senator.

They already got one of my friends.

Already in politics.

Just for standing in a men's room.

The bastard set him up and ripped him off.

Well, I'm no vice cap.

I respect the regular branch of law enforcement, but I despise those vice

You know, as a senator, you should initiate legislation to do away

with them once and for all.

We are working on that.

And we're also attempting to legalize prostitution.

But there are some problems. Problems? What kind of problems?

Old farts.

With old -fashioned ideas.

Still in Congress.

Still?

Newly elected people are in tune with the present generation.

It looks like.

Like what, Senator?

Like people are only voting for liberal politicians.

Yes, you're right.

You also have the Supreme Court.

Ah, the Supreme Court. A noble institution.

But they only vindicate a very few.

What do you mean?

Only the rich can afford to fight their case all the way to the Supreme Court.

Well, Susan.

At least we think the same way. Yes, Senator, we definitely do.

Now, getting back to my future baby, I think I should tell you that I'm in the

perfect time of the month to get pregnant.

Will you be willing to perform this afternoon?

Sure.

Works like today.

Why not?

Let's say early this afternoon.

About 2 o 'clock?

That would be just perfect.

Where shall we meet?

Do you have any suggestions?

Where? The Watergate Hotel.

The same place where you meet Nancy.

I should have guessed.

Did she go into details?

I told you.

It turns me on to hear about you.

Nice.

2 o 'clock.

I'll have a sweet rain.

Okay. And by the way, Senator.

Yes? My name is Susan.

Susan Wright.

Susan, two o 'clock.

Wright.

Goodbye, sir.

See you soon.

Goodbye, miss.

See you soon.

Would you like to make some reservations for me at the Watergate Hotel?

Yes, sir.

For today.

Oh, yes, sir.

What time would you like the reservations? Two o 'clock, please.

It shall be done.

Miss Wright, you are a truly beautiful woman.

Thank you.

Oh, call me Susan.

Susan, I'd like to make a toast to the baby.

In the event of my death, the child will receive the entire world's fortune.

We are thinking about...

Creating life, Senator.

Let's forget about Beth.

Susan, that is a right thought.

Shouldn't you undress?

Yes.

Beautiful breath.

Later.

Kind of help.

Blowjob?

What?

You know, a little head.

I can't do that.

Why?

I've never done it before.

And besides that, it's completely useless.

I'll never get pregnant that way.

Oh, sure you will.

Blow me and get me hard, and then I can go inside you and come.

Well... Come on, try.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

I just can't seem to put it in my mouth.

Oh, go ahead.

It won't hurt. In fact, you may enjoy it.

Try.

I'm sorry I can't.

I'll go ahead and try again.

Gently. Just put your lips over the head.

It really feels good.

I'm sorry, I just can't.

But I've got an idea.

Why don't we rub it on my clit?

I'm already wet.

Okay.

See?

I'm getting wetter.

I'm sorry, Susan.

It's useless.

I'm still soft.

Let's try to put it in limp.

It's useless, this won't work either.

Well, perhaps I'm not your type.

It's not that, Susan.

You're a very, very beautiful woman.

It's just that I'm very, very tired.

And my wife got me last night.

She also?

What do you mean, she also?

Well, I know you saw your friend Nancy yesterday.

That's right, but I wish she hadn't have told you that.

Well, I can see you tomorrow.

Can you perform?

I think so.

I'll be well rested then.

Same time, same place?

Right.

Well, I think I'll leave now if you don't mind.

No. You go ahead. I'm going to stay here and rest.

Oh, you stupid thing. Look at this. The minute she walks out, you get up.

What am I going to do with you?

I have an idea. I'll call Nancy.

Just a minute.

Hello?

Hello, Nancy. This is Senator Wolfe.

Oh, hi, John. I mean, Senator Wolfe.

I'm hard as a rock. I need you.

The Watergate Hotel?

What are you doing there?

Are you alone?

That's what's wrong. I'm alone.

Please come on over as soon as you can.

Well, I'd love to, darling, but you'll have to give me a couple of minutes.

I am making a hard case for prostitution with a Supreme

Court justice.

Get him off as soon as you can and come on over, please.

I will, darling.

I'll be there as soon as I can. Room 222?

See you soon. Bye -bye.

All right. Nothing to worry about.

Help is on the way.

I'm a friend of Nancy.

Nancy who?

Nancy Johnson, the call girl.

Oh, sure.

Yes. What can I do for you, honey?

I'd like one of your services.

Mainly, I'd like one of your male prostitutes.

A male prostitute? Well, you've come to the right place.

What kind would you like?

Why don't you just come on over and look at the book, and we'll pick one out.

I'd rather not.

I need the service right away.

Well, what kind would you like? How do you want them? Would you like them

white, long, short, tall, yellow, polka dot?

They come in all sizes and all colors.

Only around here we measure sizes in inches as well as feet.

choice up to you, but I would like one of your very best.

Well, in that case, I'll give you Gino Valentino.

He's a direct descendant of a famous pimp.

But I've got to warn you, he doesn't come cheap.

How much?

Three hundred.

How come Nancy only makes a hundred?

Well, after all, Nancy doesn't have to get a heart on.

She doesn't even have to come.

Okay, $300 it is.

But I want him right now.

Okay, I'll give you his address and you can rush right over. But be sure you

have the money, because remember, you have to pay him in advance.

Oh, but Madam Mercy, why do I have to pay him in advance?

Well, after all, honey, once he gives it to you, there's no way he can take it

back. Understand?

6942 Fuck Avenue.

It's only a little way from the White House.

Uh, excuse me, honey. I better not talk very much longer on this red phone.

Oh, bye.

Let's connect her to the Russian embassy. Bye!

Ah, it's you. Come on in.

Boy, you sure took your time.

Hello, handsome.

Boy, do I need you.

Took you forever to get here.

We need some help.

Oh, what do you need?

What you do best.

you've been blabbing to a friend of yours about me.

I don't know.

I can't understand you.

I said, what are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

Go back to work and I'll tell you.

Her name is Susan Wright.

Mm -hmm. It's my best friend.

What?

She's my best friend. I told her how good you are. Back to work.

Well, even though she's your best friend, you're a professional.

You're like a lawyer or a doctor.

What's told to you is strictest confidence.

Oh,

keep it up.

You know, I have a baby.

What? What?

She wants to have a baby.

Yes, I know. Go back to work. I told her you'd be the man for the job.

And I probably will be.

I appreciate that.

And I love you for thinking of me.

But everything I tell you should go

in your mouth and ears and stay there.

Oh, keep it up.

Oh, keep it up.

Oh, yeah.

Where do you want to go now, Mrs. Wolf?

To my husband's office.

Very well, Mrs. Wolf.

I don't want to come this way.

Let me go down on you and then we'll ball.

Come on, Nancy.

You know I love it.

Mmm.

Yeah, Susan told me that.

Um... So sweet.

Get me up so I can get in here.

Mrs. Wilkie, it's Padre.

That's John!

What's going on here?

What? I... I... I... I... I... I...

I just like to watch TV.

And jack yourself off.

How long has this been going on?

I've been masturbating ever since I can remember.

I never fucked.

No, how long has this been going on?

Oh, ever since the Republicans got in, bugging the Watergate is very easy.

No, that's not what I mean. How long has my husband been fucking around on the

side?

You've been working for him for six years.

You mean... You've been bugging rooms, getting your jollies off, watching my

husband for six years?

I wonder what's the matter with me.

Oh,

nothing.

There's nothing wrong.

Maybe I could bug your place sometime.

No, that's not what I mean.

If he's been playing around on the side, it's got to be because he hasn't been

getting enough sex at home.

Me and my stupid headaches.

I'm going to change.

I know what I'm going to do.

I'll see you later.

Would you have a seat?

Thank you.

Madame Mercy sent me to see you.

Yes, I know. She called up on the phone and we talked all about you.

Make yourself comfortable.

Thank you.

You know, you do look a lot like your ancestor.

Oh, thank you.

Would you care for a drink?

I'd love one.

What would you like? Vodka?

Scotch. Scotch? How would you like it?

A little water.

Certainly.

beautiful girl like you want the services of a pine for?

What's a pine?

What's a pine?

An erect tree.

A male property.

A friend of mine got me all excited and then he couldn't perform.

Friends like that.

What you need is a vibrator.

Or better yet, a pine.

Here's your money.

Do you mind if I don't finish my drink?

Is it bad?

It's terrible.

I know it.

Well, then let's get down to business.

I'll pull you down.

Beautiful. Gino, you are big.

They're so big!

Gino, I am in the wrong day of the month.

I cannot get pregnant now.

The rubber, please put it on.

A rubber?

I don't want this.

Please put it on, Gino.

If it's one thing I can't pretend, it's the goddamn rubber.

You understand, Gino, darling.

Don't you?

Haven't you ever heard of the pill?

I am not on the pill now.

Put the rubber on and fuck me.

Please fuck me, Gino.

I have a gel.

A gel is not 100 % safe, Gino.

Please just put the rubber on and fuck me.

Oh, Gene, oh.

Oh, fuck me.

Stop now.

I can't.

Believe me, Susan, I'm a good pine. I can fuck a fag, a bag, or a pig.

And I can keep a hard for a long time.

But I can't fuck with the rubber.

Gino, I don't want to get pregnant.

I'll give you back your money. Or I can take the rubber off and fuck you in the

ass if you want.

No thanks, Gino.

By the way, can you fuck anyone?

I can fuck anyone or anything without a rubber. Why?

Because I might have a job for you.

Good. Who do you want me to fuck?

Wait a minute.

Put your money back.

By the way, Gino, I work for the CIA.

And we're looking for good -looking studs to fuck some very important people

pump them for information.

And believe me, it pays a lot more than $300.

Hey, Gino, I gave you $300. There's only $200 here.

Honey, that's Madam Mercy's fee. She put us together, didn't she?

That's right.

Here's $100, your tip.

Gee, $100 and I didn't even fuck you.

Thanks.

By the way, Gino, we have some fags we have to pump some information out of.

you know what?

What? You don't have to pay any commission. I don't understand.

Your country needs the service of your prick.

You will be putting your fucking abilities to the service of your

Groovy, when do I get started?

I'll be seeing my boss tomorrow, and I'll let you know then.

Okay, bye, Susan.

Bye.

I dig you, Gino. I dig you, Susan.

I'll see my way home.

I love you.

Thank you.

Dinner. I'm starving.

Are you really that hungry?

I had a hard day at the office.

Charles, you're not really that hungry.

I have something else I want you to eat.

What's that?

How come so early in the day?

I got this book.

What book?

It's called How to Make Your Husband Want You More.

Look, honey.

for dessert.

I should take my glasses off.

We do have a noisy bed, don't we?

shouldn't have done that.

I have a hard day in the office tomorrow.

But, gentlemen, I'm your wife.

I love you.

John, I'd love to say that name.

Susan, I'd feel a little more comfortable if we talked for a while.

Why don't we sit down and discuss a few things?

Well, what would you like to know about me?

What do you do for a living?

What type of profession do you have?

Well, I work for the CIA.

I'm what you call a special agent.

Special agent?

That sounds very interesting.

You're offering me a great deal of money for my services.

That means that you must be earning a great deal. Right, Susan?

I make about $200 ,000 a year.

$200 ,000 a year? That's more than a senator earns.

You don't have to worry about that, Senator.

You're a millionaire.

Yes, but I'm rich.

There are many people in Congress, many representatives, who don't earn anywhere

near what I have.

Well, at least they don't have to go to bed with ugly guys and pump them for

information.

Is that what you do for a living?

Well, I see very important people in politics and in business.

Foreign ministers, you know, so on and so forth.

tendency to be a little talkative.

They don't know that I'm a CIA agent.

I just, they just think I'm a date.

I pump them for information and I give that to my boss.

You also deal in political information?

Sure. The CIA wants to know everything.

I wonder if President Ford knows about this.

Don't ask me.

I haven't reached that high yet.

Why don't we get back to our business, John?

I am awfully horny.

You're the boss, Susan.

I'll just go and slip into something more comfortable.

See, John, I'm wet and ready.

Oh, Senator, will you please talk to me?

Will you please put it inside of me? I want to feel you inside of me soon.

Oh, please.

This is useless.

It's still limp.

Do you mind if I ask you a question?

Sure, Susan, anything.

What does Nancy do to get you hard?

She gives me a blowjob and gets me hard, and then I...

Fuck her for hours.

Well, would you mind if I give her a call? I'll take care of her feet.

And she could come over and give you a real good blow.

And then you could put it inside of me and we could fuck.

Would that be okay?

That sounds very exciting.

I've never had two girls at the same time.

Well,

what are you doing there?

Oh,

well, that's my specialty.

But I can't come now.

I'm cleaning up an Italian ambassador.

Well, get him done fast.

Well, I hate to do that. It's very bad for my reputation. But for you, okay.

I know a special trick.

See you soon. Ciao.

Hello, Mr. Creep.

Hello, Mrs.

Wolfe. How are you? Fine. Am I in time for the main event?

Yes, Mrs. Wolfe. It's a loaded card.

Best part is coming now. They've called for a third partner.

A third partner? What do you mean?

You'll see.

You'll see.

I don't want to spoil your program.

What's this for?

Something for us to nibble on.

That must be Nancy.

I'll get it.

Okay.

Oh, hi, Nancy.

Hi, Ann.

Hi, Susan. How are you? Fine.

Okay.

You really do dress the part, don't you? Yes, prepared.

Oh, hi, John.

Hello, Nancy.

How are you?

I think I'll be pretty good in a few moments.

Oh, yes. Well, what can I do for you? I want you to get him hard so he can put

it in me and come in me. Well, I think that'll be no problem.

So that's how it's done.

Do it for Mama, baby.

Keep going. You know, Nancy, you did a fabulous blowjob. Keep going.

Go, go, go, go.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Is he hard yet?

That's what you think, baby.

I've made him come 12 times in one night.

When he's like this, you know, I mean, look at him. He's asleep.

wasn't very good.

Was it?

At other times, he's great.

I should know. I'm his wife. Remember?

Sorry, I said something silly.

Please forgive me.

No, Mr. Queen. There's nothing to forgive.

You're a very nice man.

I know what I'm going to do.

You're not going to know us, are you?

Not in a million years.

I'm going to get some tricky tools.

Tricky tools?

Sex tools, of course.

I'm worn out.

I'm going to go home and try and relax.

Hope my wife prepared a good dinner for me.

Well, that's not all she's prepared.

What did you say?

Oh, nothing, Senator.

That's a give -all.

Have a good evening.

Thank you.

Mrs. Wolfe, I just thought you might want to know that your husband's coming

home soon.

Why, thank you, Mr. Queep.

Now I can be ready for him.

Any time, Mrs. Wolfe.

Any time.

And remember my offer to watch you on TV, I mean.

Well, Mr. Queep, perhaps someday you may just get the chance.

Bye. Oh, and thanks again.

She called me Mr.

Creep.

Mildred! The help is answering the door.

Honey, I brought home a great game to play.

I've got a better game to play. Mildred!

What's got into you?

This is ridiculous.

Ah.

All right.

I didn't say that. Ow.

That's well.

Okay.

Are you ready for it?

What?

Ow. Ow.

Ow.

All right.

I'll play with you.

You'll play and you'll like it.

This is ridiculous.

You know, that was fun.

That's not all I have in mind for you.

Huh?

I arranged a little swinging party.

Swinging party?

I want you to have all your kicks at home. I don't want you to have to ever

out anywhere and get anything.

Uh -huh.

Hi Susan, how are you?

Okay, listen, can I come over now?

Oh, sure.

Oh, give me 15 minutes. I'm milking a very big VP.

See you soon.

We have a nice, cozy and warm apartment.

Oh, thank you. Yes, well, I need it for my business, you know.

By the way, here's $100 for the blowjob the other day.

And here's another $100 for your services today.

Susan, you don't need to pay me. We're friends.

Oh, never mind.

I can afford it.

Well, what would you like for me to do for you?

Well, what I need.

It's for you to teach me how to do a blowjob.

Oh.

I think that can be arranged.

The technique of giving the perfect blowjob is to lick the penis from one

the other.

Softly and slowly.

I want to learn all about it.

Give me your hand.

Let me try it on you.

Give me your finger.

Oh, yes.

Yes, that's right.

Don't you think it's a little hot in here?

Go to the other room where it'll be cooler.

It is hot in here.

Let's go.

Down here by the...

Pretty

dress.

You think so?

Lovely on you.

Ah, pretty indies.

Let me show you something else.

This will be very nice.

Oh, lovely. What are you going to do?

Oh, it'll be a big surprise, but you'll love it.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Delicious.

It feels.

Oh, yeah.

You have such a beautiful body, Susan.

Let me do it to you.

You can do anything to me you want.

All right.

I'll get undressed.

Now you get undressed.

Oh,

what a lovely bosom you have.

Thank you.

May I kiss it?

I wish you would.

Thank you.

John, what can I do for you?

I was wondering if you'd like to partake of my services.

Oh, I'm sorry, John, but I'm in the wrong time of the month.

What do you mean?

Oh, that's right. You're not in your fertile period.

That's right, John.

And besides, I want you to fuck me so I can get pregnant.

Okay. Well, when you're ready, please give me a call.

Oh well, there's always that swing party that Mildred set up.

service to help you. Johnny, I let them go.

Why? With all these people?

It's a swing party.

Swing party? That's right. A swing party just for you, John.

Oh.

And I believe we have some unfinished business to attend to.

I think we did everything but.

But what?

But sex, of course.

But it wasn't my fault, was it, John?

How's your husband?

He's fine.

How come he's not here? He wasn't married two months.

Well, that's all right. I left him with Martha, my older roommate.

Oh, is he sick?

Oh, John.

You're so naive.

You're falling.

Falling? Yes.

I fixed them up so I could take care of some wet dreams I used to have before

the wedding.

Wet dreams?

Wet dreams about who?

You.

Oh,

sure. Why not? Take them to the bedroom. Yeah.

I just feel your way through.

Just like it?

Yeah.

My favorite time.

Uh, my friends... We must play a game.

Pass anything for the group.

Well,

it's hard.

Look at this.

Having a good time, darling?

Oh, you bet.

Mind if I join you, girls?

Oh, no, no, no. John?

You voted for me, too. Come on in.

I'm your best support.

overcome.

Hello, Senator.

Are you free this afternoon?

For what?

For the completion of our deal.

Well, I'm pretty bushed.

I'll try.

Good. Let's stay same time and same place as before.

Fine.

Yes. And I think I should let you know that I intend to blow you today.

Good. Bye.

Hello. Hello, Mrs. Wolfe.

Oh, hello, Mr. Quaive. How are you?

Oh, I'm fine, thank you.

I just wanted you to know the senator's on the move again.

Would you like to come and watch the afternoon show?

Sure, why not?

I'll see you at 2 o 'clock.

Two o 'clock.

John.

You look all worn out.

I am. I am.

I need some rest.

Well, I've got just the thing that kept you on. Amber, I promised you something.

Yes, you did.

Well, here it is.

I think I should get on trust also.

Do you like the way I do it?

Oh, yes.

You do even better than Nancy.

I think you're hard enough now. Why don't we put it in?

What happened?

I'm sorry.

It got limp.

Oh, no.

Well, perhaps I could give you another blow.

Okay.

The poor baby, he can't get it up.

Yes, dear.

It's getting hard again. Why don't we try?

limp again.

Excuse me while I talk to my friend.

Why can't you stay hard and make me pregnant?

Because you're Susan.

I'm all fucked up.

It's the wife of the man I'm attached to.

All she does is drag him off to swing parties and teach him tricks out of sex

books. And whatever happens to him affects me.

I don't think I'll ever be able to get you pregnant.

That's what you think.

One of these days I'm going to get you.

Oh, so that's it.

And all this time I thought he's been cattying around.

Oh, what a fool I've been.

He wants to have a child.

He does.

He wants to have a child.

What were you saying, Senator?

I was saying, Susan, that since we can't have sex,

I know something that's second best.

What?

Would you believe

I'm a lion?

I wonder, Senator.

What?

How many babies are not born because of football games?

Darling. Yes?

I love you.

And I love you.

I do have pride in me. You got me the lion ticket.

Oh, there.

What is this?

What is this? My diaphragm.

Your diaphragm? What am I going to do with your diaphragm? Well, you said you

wanted to have a baby.

Now I'm ready.

Oh, and you took this out?

Oh, Mildred.

I'd love to have a boy or a girl or in between.

Oh, darling, it's going to be a little lion.

That's good.

Well, it's cold.

And I am a senator.

Well, it's too hard to get him off.

I know. I'm going to wear a breakaway suit from now on.

Bye.

and he'll stay hard.

I don't understand. This has never happened to me before.

Sorry,

dear. I just can't stay a wreck.

Why?

What's the matter?

I don't know.

I know what it is.

What? I'm all fucked up.

I think it's those swing parties and those tricks and everything else you've

been pulling on me.

You've always been able to fight forever.

I'm not as young as I used to be, and I guess neither is he.

Good morning, Senator Wolf's office.

Good morning, Mr. Queen.

It's very dangerous, Mr. Quaid.

Anything, Mildred, anything.

I'm at your command.

He wants you to get the telephone number of that girl we saw my husband with

yesterday.

That is dangerous.

But for you, I'll try.

Thank you, Mr. Quaid. And you won't regret it.

Mr. President.

I know, I know. I should call you Jerry. I'm sorry.

Hold on a minute, Jerry.

Queen.

Queen. What are you doing in here?

This is a very important call.

Yes.

I'm sorry, Jerry.

I agree.

Kentucky Fried Chicken would be perfect for the ambassador.

Ah, by the way, I have a surprise for you.

50 -yard line seats for the Lion Games Sunday.

No, no, don't wear your toupee.

We want the people to recognize the man of your power.

Right?

Okay, Jerry.

My best study in the cube.

I'll see you on Sunday.

Bye -bye.

Just checking for bugs.

What? Just checking.

Checking for bugs?

That Tapper's place is fumigated.

I'm gonna starve my secretary.

Hello? Hello.

I got it.

I got the information.

You work fast, Mr. Queen.

Hold on a minute. Let me get a pen.

Okay, go ahead.

Thank you very much.

It was nothing.

I hope to do...

Something for you soon, Miss Mildred.

Hello?

Hello. May I speak to Susan Wright?

Speaking.

Please don't hang up, Susan.

I have some good news for you about my husband.

Oh, what do you mean?

Yes, I know all about you two.

And how you want him to get you pregnant.

And how he's failed to perform.

Well, how do you know that? Did he tell you?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

What I want you to know is I'm in the same predicament you are.

Oh, well, what do you mean?

Well, listen.

We've always had a very good sex life.

He's never failed to perform with me.

Until I asked him to get me pregnant.

Yeah.

I think he has a subconscious fear of becoming a father.

Yeah.

Anyway, I have this idea for you.

That's very good.

I like that.

Okay. All right.

It's me, Senator Susan.

Oh, hello, Susan. I haven't heard from you for a long time.

Well, I haven't called because I feel so ashamed.

Why?

Well, you see, Senator, I've decided not to get pregnant after all.

But I'd still like to make love to you.

Do you think that we could make love just the way you like?

Why have I disappointed you by not wanting to get pregnant?

Oh, not at all, Susan. Not at all. I'd love to make love to you.

Shall I make the arrangements?

Sure. But why don't we change the suite this time?

For the fun of it?

All right. I'll make it the bridal suite.

Two o 'clock?

Hello? Hello, Mildred.

Here we go again.

Yes, I know.

This time, it's just a blind switch.

Do you want me to watch?

No, not this time, Mr. Quigg.

Thanks anyway.

Oh, before I forget, I want to thank you for everything you've done.

Bye.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Amen.

Oh.

An excellent lover.

You came all the way inside of me.

And I'm absolutely sure that I'm going to be pregnant.

You've earned your money.

Money? You said you were sick. You said you were on the pill.

I tricked you.

We tricked you.

Mildred, you've got to understand. You've got this all wrong. It's all

darling. We're swingers, aren't we?

I have good news for you.

I'm pregnant.

Do you know the whole story? Sure, I coached Susan to do it this way.

The minute you knew that I didn't want to get pregnant, you were an excellent

lover.

You were very good.

You're marvelous, darling.

I'm so lucky to be your wife.

Hi, John. I'm sorry to break in. Oh, they told me at the office you'd be

Come on in, Nancy.

Nancy, you know me.

I saw you on TV.

On TV.

Who are you? Mrs. Wolfe.

Mrs. Wolfe, your wife?

Everything's cool, Nancy.

Mrs. Wolfe knows me, and she's helped me.

I also know about you, Nancy.

And I like your technique.

Your oral technique.

Oral technique.

Your blowjob, the head.

So you got even.

So you blabbed. No, Nancy, he hasn't said a thing.

Juice isn't? Not a word.

By the way, Nancy, what brought you here today? Are you in some sort of trouble?

Well, sort of.

What is it? Can I help?

Well, I should hope so. It's your fault.

Well, what do you mean?

Well, I got so excited teaching you how to do all those blowjobs so you could

get pregnant.

I got so excited, I forgot to take my pill.

What happened?

He made me pregnant.

I'm sure I'm awful pregnant.

Me too.

In fact, we're all going to have babies around the same time.

Isn't that wonderful?

That's wonderful.

Tell me, where did you see me?

As I said, I saw you on TV.

In fact, we're all on TV right now. What do you mean?

Nobody's going to have a wrong child but me.

Good morning, Mr. Queen.

Good morning.

I've got a little surprise for you.

Oh, that's nice.

In the event of my death, the child will receive the entire wolf abortion.

Now I have in me the only heir to the wolf millions.

here, please.

Here you are, doctor.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

Well, I have good news for you, Miss Marilyn S. Wright.

By the way, what does the S stand for?

Susan. Susan.

What do you normally prefer they call you, Marilyn or Susan?

It doesn't make any difference, doctor.

Well, Marilyn, the good news is you are not pregnant.

I might add that because of scar tissue in your tubes, it's impossible for you

to become pregnant.

So you're safe.

Oh, my God.