Original subtitles

It's so funny because you're in my TV.

I'm having it to me.

I'm so happy about that. You're on a strapped -in television that's on my

Thank you for strapping me in. And listen, you know I would love to come up

there and hang out. I just don't have the time right now.

When did you start doing... I've been trying to have, like, a little... So

there's no... I don't know if you've noticed, there's no template for this

Dude, do you understand, like, I never get to hang out with you, so this is

fucking lovely for me. No, yeah.

It's just to get a chance to hang out. That's why I love your Tom Holman. I

your Holman. Oh, I got the best fucking... You know, Lorne called me

night. He's like, you know, come home. We'd love to have you. I'm like, oh,

great, you know. What I loved about it was...

how much fun you seem to be having just being there and nailing it at the top.

And it just made it really fun to watch. I was just having fun.

I was just like, I haven't been out of the house. And this is the first time I

did like a live thing since the baby. I had zero fear.

Usually I'm like a little nervous. I smoked like five cigarettes before and

just like, I suck.

I was like, I don't give a fuck. Let's just, let's go get this over with. I go

home. And it was so much more fun.

Did you feel that way when you were performing? Cause you were at the daily.

Oh yeah.

No, I set up at the office. I got like at the time, I don't even know if this

thing's still on, but there was a show called blues clues and there was this

guy, Steve, who was like, let's go solve it. And there was a little blue dog and

they had a little put on your, let's sit in a thinking chair.

I had all the little blues clues furniture, like tiny furniture.

And I set up.

a kind of identical space to my desk in my office for the kids so whenever they

could they would come up during the day and it's just a reminder like with all

the people that you work with like hey man i really like working here and i

really like you people but i love them like in a way that i don't even know

to do with so if you'll excuse me for a minute like i'm just going to sit down

and stare at them for as long as i possibly can without completely fucking

the show.

But it's, I mean, it's a whole other level of existence that you just can't

believe it. And it, you know, it's remarkable.

Was it fun seeing Lorne? I gotta tell you for Lorne, like, and I'm sure he

this and people go like, but what he's created, what he's done, like, that will

never be matched.

No. Imagine starting something in 1975 that becomes iconic

culturally almost immediately.

Forever. And 50 years later, it's still iconic culturally.

Like there's nothing that has ever existed that has maintained. He made

something that has been like an incredible, iconic touchstone.

it still creates the most relevant moments in our culture. For sure. And

also like... 50 years later. That's unheard of.

And he also, like, has done a... He's, I think, the only person I know that's

this powerful that still remains pretty much behind the scenes.

You know?

Like, you know, like, eventually every, like, CEO or creator of something

starts, you know, hitting the gym, looking sexy.

Whenever I see those guys, I just want to, like, go up and whisper in their

death is inevitable like you're you guys are billionaires like why what's

with like going to mars like you're you guys are at a point where like no one

can enjoy the earth in the way that with the resources and all those things that

you have no one can have more positive impact in that and your first instinct

yeah how about another planet Yeah, I'm fucking bored. It's like when Mick

Jagger fucked David Bowie. He probably had had so many women at that point, he

was just like, what else is out there? What else can we do?

What are you doing later?

David, come in here.

How do you think that, how did that... Can you imagine me, you and Melania just

in the dressing room and you're like, are you bored with the ladies?

Yeah.

I think it would work with you. I think the height differential would make it

really hard with me. You would have to watch.

Unless we did like a master plan.

You're just eating Sally's a pizza in the car.

You kids have fun.

That's my favorite thing.

Sally's a pizza is unbelievable.

Every gig I do now, it's the one thing I ask for in the dressing room. Just get

me the best local pizza you got.

I remember my mind was blown when I had Sally's a pizza.

And I couldn't believe it was in Connecticut. And I just want to tell the

people, they're like, you know, if you took a cab down to Carmine, you can get

as many slices of Joe's as you want, take a cab back, and he'll not lose your

place in his life.

Like, is your picture up in any pizza places?

Um... I have a...

I have one. I have one good story.

When I was seven years old, when my dad passed, my mom was like, what do you

want to do? Like, whatever.

Like, what would make you happy? I go, I want to be an actor. So I went to this

acting class in Staten Island that was run by this guy named Clem Caserta.

Clem Caserta was in one movie. He played this guy named Jimmy Whispers in A

Bronx Tale.

Jimmy Whispers!

Right. And, you know, only later on did I realize it was Jimmy Whispers, so they

didn't have to pay him.

So he was like a glorified extra, right? But when you're seven and you know

someone's in a movie from Staten Island, you're like, holy shit.

You're 30th on the call sheet in a Bronx tale?

Whoa, you must have a mansion.

Right. So I'm in this fucking acting class with like, I'm the only one that's

not 30 plus.

I'm fucking seven years old, and it's a bunch of Staten Island people trying to

act, and Clem's there in a big chair, and he's like, we're going to do this.

And I'm bouncing off the walls doing Jim Carrey, talking with my ass.

And my mom comes to pick me up, and Clem goes, can I talk to you for a second,

to my mom? And she's like, hey, Peter, just wait in the car, whatever.

And Clem told my mom that I don't have the stuff.

I'm bouncing off the walls. He's been around forever and he doesn't want me in

the class.

And my mom goes, his father just died and it's just making him happy. Like,

can't we, can't we?

Can't you, like, work with me on this? And he's like, I'm sorry, you know.

Wait, that didn't even?

No, yeah, I'm sorry, he just doesn't have it. And my mom was like, well, fuck

you, you fat piece of shit. Like, I remember she said something along those

lines, like, fuck you, who are you?

I'm Jimmy Whitford!

Yeah.

So I put that in my cap. I fucking leave, right?

I'm in rehab.

This is two years ago, and I go to this restaurant, this pizza place, thick and

thin, in Boca. Great pizza.

And I'm just, I'm with my buddy, and he points to the wall, because he knows the

Clem story.

And I'm like, what? He goes, look, it's a headshot of Clem Caserta.

I go, oh.

I go, that's weird. He goes, look at it. I'm like, yeah, I know, Clem Caserta.

You know, I'll never make it, right? He goes, look what it says. It says, to

Peter.

Good luck with everything.

Like, congrats.

And I go, I've never been in this place before. I just picked that booth. And I

was like, holy shit. Like, I have to take this.

So I go to the owner, and I go, I need that headshot. They're like, he comes in

here, like, whatever. I go, I tell them the story. Oh, he lives down there now.

Yeah, yeah. I go, I tell them the story. They're like, fuck that guy. I go, can

we take a picture of me, and can I take a video of you replacing him with my

headshot?

But in thick and thin now, where he was, I am.

And that's the only. That is a flat out.

Sicilian old school vendetta.

Yeah. That is an old school like, I have stolen your soul.

I've stolen your booth.

I'm going to leave you alive so that you can witness the domination.

I'm in your booth.

Yeah. And you've never seen this dude, heard from this dude again. You never.

No, I never. I'm not like, I'm not.

Because I'm like, that's like a step too far, you know? And also it's different

that he wasn't like a big star that fell on hard times. He was just a guy

scraping and all that thing. He was just kind of a dickhead.

Where are you, what pizza place or what restaurant are you up in? Oh, I'm up in

John's. Oh, nice. On Bleeker in between 6th and 7th Avenue.

And I'm up there.

It's me.

So I got lucky.

Bruce. Springsteen was kind of a fan of the show for a while. I didn't know him,

but obviously he was always kind of my, growing up in Jersey, you know, these

guys like singing songs about getting in a car and getting the fuck out of

Jersey. You're like, I like this guy.

There's something about him.

You know, so obviously we're like, we'd go to the Stone Pony all the time. We'd

play, you know, the band I saw, the only band I've seen probably less than Bruce

is Backstreet.

the cover band for Bruce.

So he brought his kid up one time to see the show because they were fans. He

came back and we talked afterwards and we became friendly.

And so one night he was in town and I think his oldest was back from college

a bit with a couple of his friends. And so we all went out to eat at John's

Pizza and we sat in the booth and they took the picture. And so I am

immortalized in John's Pizza at the table with...

Mr. Springsteen. That's awesome.

And so it's just, it's one of those. And I'll never forget.

He's your Sandler.

He's my Sandler. He said to me at the dinner, you're never going to make it.

Hey, John, I got news for you. He goes, I've been talking to my boy, Clem.

That's what he said to me.

I've been talking to my boy, Clem.

Clem said.

When did you start doing stand -up then? I'm trying to think, 79, you're what,

12?

No, I'm 63, dude. 79, I was, I graduated high school in 80.

What? Yeah.

I've never mentioned to you how old I am.

You've never noticed on the gigs how hard it is sometimes for me to get up on

the stage?

No, you're forever like 49 to me.

Oh, that's very kind. Like you, yeah. You're also one of those dudes, and I

this in the best way, where like, You always looked 42.

Yeah, yeah. So now you're, like, hot.

Because it's like Billy Bob. Like, Billy Bob's always looked 70 years old. Now

he actually is, and now everyone's watching Landmen, and they're like, he

amazing. Yeah, yeah. Once your biological age catches up to how, like,

you always were, there's a certain synchronicity. People always, they would

me at, like, 45 would be like, do you sleep in a meat dehydrator? And I'd be

like, what do you mean?

Like, you know, you can get lotions for that shit.

But now that I'm 63, I think there's an expectation.

Oh, my, I think your skin at this point is supposed to look like the Bonneville

salt flat.

No, you're a daddy.

Everyone that has social media. Oh, look. No, no, no.

Who's the fellow in the purple shirt behind you? Oh, that's Dave.

What's up, Dave?

Hey, Josh.

You know, when you said you're a daddy, Dave gave me a knowing nod, which made

me feel very good.

Yeah, Dave agrees.

Oh, this is a fun quiz I like to play with people. How old do you think Dave

So Dave looks like the kind of dude that always looks like he's running lights

for a high school theater production. So I'm going to say...

And you're not sure if he works out and he's got biceps or he's got fatty arms.

You don't know.

You don't know if this dude. I'm looking at him right now. I'm like, okay, this

dude either benches like 275 or linguine goes right to his

biceps.

So I'm not exactly sure. But I'm going to say perennial.

Perennial.

Older brother of high school motorhead.

I'm going to put him at.

23.

I'm going to put him at 23.

Oh, that's nice of you.

Dave is 48 years old. 47.

47. I'm so sorry.

You must, at night, they must put you in the fucking liquid that they put Boba

Fett in in that Star Wars show to rejuvenate him. What really has been

me is I stopped getting ID'd like two years ago.

Two years ago? Yeah, and I went like... Oh, that's beautiful. I went, oh, man,

like, I guess, you know, I guess this is real now.

You know, he still gets ID'd, and he's so proud.

I, now, when I get ID'd, it's just to make sure I'm qualifying for that senior

discount. Like, when I walk, I'll walk into a place, and I'll be like, you

I get to see the movie for $350, and they're like, not quite yet.

Oh, do you get pre -senior discounts at, like, Lowe's, at the theater? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

No, I'm speaking, the only, you know how like when you're, so when you're, and

it's funny, Maggie and I were talking about this, my daughter Maggie, we were

talking about milestones because her birthday is tomorrow, she's going to be

right? Whoa. And we were just talking about like those, there's not many

milestone, like 17 is fucking huge.

Yeah. Huge.

18, if you're like in student UN, that's kind of big because you get to vote.

20 is just kind of neat because.

You're just not a teen anymore. You're like, it's that first foray into, like,

the adult numbers. And then 21.

And then fucking nothing.

Everything hurts after that.

Nothing until 55 and 65, where you qualify for, like, government insurance.

Oh, yeah. When I turned 30, I cried.

Did you really?

You're not much older. You're 31?

32.

32. Yeah.

No, I just... Did you really? Were you sad to get 30?

I was sad because, like...

Well, it's what I first thought I'd try to get, like, sober, but I also was just

like, damn, I lost that whole, like, if I make mistakes now, there's that whole,

like, he was in his 20s.

Right. You know?

But you know what, dude? Think about this.

So you also have sober birthdays.

So you're, like, in a whole, like, you're actually just two.

Yeah, I'm in love with that. You're just a baby.

Yeah, but it started, like, I was texting you, like,

My hairline's starting to recede. My back just hurts.

If I play basketball, the next two weeks of my life are just miserable.

I don't know. I've been having a lot of those moments.

It never ends.

A friend of mine was telling me about his dad.

His dad lived to be like 96.

And he was out to lunch with him.

And his dad was like, at that time, I guess his dad was like 94, 95.

And he would, they were eating lunch and he thought that his dad was like,

seemingly like not present.

And he goes, dad, what's up? What are you thinking about? And his dad looks up

and he goes, oh, to be 90.

And I just thought, oh, that's just, that's just perfect.

It doesn't matter when you, at every age you are, there was always an age.

when you were better, when your back hurt less, when you had more hair.

like a sweet spot.

I don't know when it might be.

Lauren said 65 to 80 is like peak, like your peak.

That is peak rationalizing. There is no way

that Lorne Michaels, who lived through...

Like, the Halcyon days of SNL in 75, who

lived through having the rocket ship of rocket ships of shows. It's like, it's

better now.

Like, that's the way I look at it. I'm 63. I'm like, the way I lived my life

before I got, like, straight was, I'm in injury time. Like, this is all, it's

great.

Right. Like if you break your arm, it's like it's 18 months of healing.

Here's something that's going to happen to you. And I should probably warn you.

So now you're entering the zone where you no longer have interest in

entertainment. You have only the prism of your daughter.

Yeah. So I can remember when we were in the like the real thick of it with the

kids, you know, four years old, five years old, seven years old, eight years

old. And people would be like.

I saw this incredibly moving Portuguese film about two

loners and a mysterious girl as they traveled through Patagonia.

And what it said about the human condition was so moving. Did you see it?

I'm like, was that Tangled? Because I saw Tangled.

And they're like, I don't think that's Tangled. I'm like, well, all I've seen

Tangled.

And I've seen it a hundred times.

Oh, dude.

Yeah, I don't care about it. I don't care about it as much, for sure.

I'm like, I'm super, if I'm not tired, I'm super down to watch something. But

it's like, it's like a weird, where I was like, you want to watch something?

I'm like, yeah, but like nothing that like.

I have to really pay attention to or anything that's like emotional or I was

like, I just want to watch, you know. Well, right now you're just in the thick

of like, you're in bootcamp. You guys are going, you know, when they're just

little babies like that, it is like such an intense kind of

induction period where like you guys aren't sleeping.

You're just focused on like.

we got to keep this thing going.

Like it's, you're thin in place and it's so disorienting. So like we went

through IVF, right? Which is like, we had trouble.

And even when you go through that process artificially, it creates

the imbalance of mood and

all those different things that you would create through the natural

I'm not like an IBM, you're going through this fucking up and down

eight times in a year of like preparing pregnancy, not a pregnancy, not a

pregnancy, got a pregnancy, miscarried pregnancy. Like, so it's, it's, it's all

of that. It's like a decathlon while you're also living your life.

Like you were trying to, it's very disruptive, right? Like you're still a

person. You have some sort of work or something you like to do. You have

friends, you have activities like, and you're trying to do all this while still

maintaining that. You know what I love about this is you and I are talking

it. Like we have all this insight and like women are going to like watch this

and be like, Oh look, it's two apes discussing.

Let me tell you something though about, I'm going to talk a little bit about the

color scheme there.

When you're done with your podcast.

You'll still be able to use that garage for KISS Army fan club meetings.

Dark black and red.

You'll still be able to do your Dungeons and Dragons weekly

game.

You know what that looks like? When I was, how old was I? I must have been

fucking 17 years old. I had a job with the State Department of New Jersey.

And I was, you're not even going to believe this. It's the dumbest job you

ever imagine.

I was tasked with, it was an encephalitis testing program, right?

encephalitis? It's like a brain virus that's carried by mosquitoes.

This is pre -West Nile?

Yeah, no, this is, look, man, there was only like four diseases that they knew

about.

Polio, gonorrhea, and encephalitis.

I used to have to drive down to the Pine Barrens in New Jersey and go into the

Pine Barrens in the woods and set up the traps in the woods. They looked like

giant bells, and I would hook a car battery up to them.

I swear to God, this is true. It's the dumbest thing you've ever heard. I'm

laughing because I'm picturing you doing that.

It was the worst.

With a Bruce Springsteen A -track playing.

Bruce Springsteen A -track trying to avoid the pagan motorcycle gang meth

that dotted the Pine Barrens at the time.

And I had to collect overnight mosquito samples.

And then in the morning, I would chloroform them and sort them.

Male, female, because only the females bite.

This is true.

Yeah. The male mosquitoes are just chilling?

chilling i could spot during that time i could spot a male mosquito from 10 feet

away because the male mosquitoes have i swear to god this is true hairier

antenna i'm just picturing you on a date in 1979 first of all thank you for

picturing me on a date in 1979 because i'm not sure i had one until like 1986

but thank you

You know, I could spot, I'll also have a beer. You know, I could spot a male

mosquito from 10 feet away.

Oh boy, can't you?

That was my best line.

That will either get you laid so much because it's so endearing and sweet or

just never. There's no like middle ground.

Well, let me also add some color to it. I was also at the time driving an off

-brown AMC Gremlin.

So, as you can imagine, there was very little I could say that would get me

laid. Those are cool now, though. Now people are nostalgia buying those.

Yeah. The things that made me a loser in 79 and 80 are cool now, but I didn't

have the benefit of that.

Dude, mosquito catching is huge now. But here's what I'm getting to.

There was also something that we had called resting boxes.

When the mosquitoes would feed, once they were filled with blood,

They would go into these boxes that we had put out in the woods. They were

with red bottoms, just like your garage. Your garage is basically a mosquito

resting box. It's a Louboutin.

And I would have to aspirate the mosquitoes out of the box,

which means I would suck them up in a straw.

I would siphon them. Dude.

I left that summer with 103 fever and fucking, that was the summer I nearly

because what it turned out is I was the experiment.

Going to catch the mosquitoes, but I was the one wandering through the woods

getting bit by mosquitoes, deer fly, tick, chiggers, like.

They're just trying to see if you survive.

No, I think that, you know what it was? It was like one of those like, will

Chernobyl kill people?

Let's leave one guy behind.

Let's see what radiation does to the testicle, the human testicle. What was

next job after that?

That's an excellent question.

I used to be a mosquito catcher. Then I just worked as a landscaper for the next

three summers. Okay, that's a lot.

Yeah, it was a lot of chilling.

It was a lot like digging holes, mowing the lawn at malls. It was that kind of

stuff.

What's the dumbest thing you've ever bought with?

Oh, I don't, I'm not sure I've ever bought something. Well, I don't think

ever, I'm, I don't think I've ever bought something particularly dumb. I

raised by depression parents. Right. I was raised by parents who were nothing

not cautionary tales.

And my grandfather drove a cab in Brooklyn and my other grandfather ran a

cleaners. in Washington Heights, and we were not the kind of family that was

like, you've earned your success.

Blurred. Get yourself a little something.

It was more like this.

You never know when the world breaks.

And when sadness, do you like eating soup made only of shoelaces?

Save your money.

Like, that's just how we were raised, man. Like, that's, no.

The whole ethos growing up, and especially after my parents split up,

everything we can not to lose the house.

Right. That was the thing, because we were friends with the only other

people at that time. This was, you know, very early 70s, 71,

72.

They lost the house.

They had lost the house.

And they lived in this little apartment that ultimately when I was a landscaper,

I ended up doing all the landscaping, but, uh, in this apartment complex, but,

and ironically enough, my dad ended up living there with his new family.

Um, but that was, the ethos was always that kind of like you

protect, you never know.

It all goes to shit.

You know, that, that sort of mindset.

I come from the, the, You work hard.

You're not going to live forever.

Get Paul Walnuts' 2003 DeVille with 275 ,000 miles on it when you have a

one -car garage that you're shooting a podcast in. Oh, so much better.

Believe me, I got to a point where I was making good money. I'm sure I could

have done a thing where, like, I hired Keith Hernandez to have breakfast with

me, but I never did any of that shit. But, like, that kind of frivolousness,

like, I don't, like...

enjoyment wasn't for us.

Enjoyment was for other people. It was that kind of thing, like, you know, are

you smiling?

Why? You know.

Well, you deserve to smile, John.

Oh, baby!

You're a good friend. I'm very lucky to have you in my life. Thank you, baby.

Oh, I love you. I love you, too, bro. What? Oh, the one question. Yeah, who

you see that made you want to get into stand -up? Was it something that you're

like... you know again i wasn't really raised with the idea that like this was

ever a possibility i was only raised with like the feeling that something was

wrong like i remember getting out of school and i was working at uh it was a

ballroom jersey called the bottom half it was a tavern underneath a liquor

on the route one and uh and in the town i grew up in it was like i worked for

the the kid i went to high school with got me the job vinnie regolia and his

dad, Vinnie Regolia.

Like, that's the neighborhood we came from. So I worked there, and then I

up getting another job bartending at this punk club on Calhoun Street in

called City Gardens.

And every band that was coming from New York to Philly would somehow stop in

this shithole warehouse club in the middle of Trenton

and play.

And I saw like, I mean, some of the bills, like Dead Kennedys and Butthole

Surfers on the same bill, Suicidal Tennis, like all these great punk bands,

Black Flag, Henry Rollins band, when it became that, Bad Brains, the Ramones,

like just, and the vibe there, like

the town I kind of grew up in, it was more like.

Yeah, so now you're out of school, and now you live here, and now you join the

softball team, and you go down to bottom half every Friday night, and it's

payday, and you use the game, blah, blah, blah.

And I started hanging out in this place in Trenton.

And all these bands, and it was so much creativity. And I got to the point where

I was like, yeah, man, what the fuck am I doing here?

Like, I want this.

I'm not musical, but I want something. I want to write. I want to do something.

And so I sold all my shit one day.

And I threw it all in a U -Haul. I was living with a couple of friends down in

Trenton. And I just went to New York with a fucking six -week sublet in an

apartment and no plan.

And just, like, locked in. Got a bunch of odd jobs and started, like,

hanging around different areas and went to the comedy cellar and just saw a

night of comedy. And I was like, that?

That's how my brain works. That's what I want.

One question I've been asking everyone to wrap up.

What have you learned from your own experience that wasn't told to you or

down to you from being a dad or something that has helped you in your

you learned just on your own?

First of all, that's a fine and dandy question.

I wish I had something that practical.

I think what I've learned is that,

man, that's such an interesting, like something that helped

me, I think is you can be present for

people.

And you can be present in your own life.

But you can't fix everything.

And you can't control it, either in yourself or for other people. And so

being present for them can oftentimes, like, that's enough.

Like, to be present for yourself and to be present for other people feels

like...

you know, the best version of a relationship for

yourself. And that, like, as someone who's a bit of a

ruminator, and Dave actually helped me with this, Chappelle, he said, you know,

you gotta forgive yourself.

And I think it's that knowing the limits for, because the people you love,

you know, they're on their own.

path and that and that when they're hurting just be

present be present in that moment for them and not feel like i have to

now i i'm the the emergency team that comes in to fix it because you

can't right and who are you doing it for because that's not All you can do is be

present for them so that they know they're not standing on quicksand.

standing on something solid.

Right. And that's kind of it. And sometimes they just need that more than

someone to come in with like, here's what you do.

Yeah. Right. Yeah, listen. And listen, you're always trying to offer advice and

things when it's asked for.

But I think when you take on that role of...

Well, you have expressed something to me and now I will fix it so that it is no

longer friction. I will create a frictionless environment.

Because I'm your bestest friend. I'm your bestest friend. I'm your father.

I'm your husband.

I'm your son. I will create a frictionless environment and we will all

ice. But it doesn't, you know, it doesn't work that way.

In many ways, it's not the best thing that they're asking you for anyway.

I think a lot of times people are just asking you to be present.

Right. Well, thank you. That's great advice. And the first time I've heard

one, so that's good. We've had no repeats so far. I'm very wary of the day

like, sorry, MGK. No, you know what's going to be great? One day you're just

going to get one that's like.

I think an apple a day.

Really does. And I'm being honest here.

I think it does. The doctor could be, but if you have the apple.

Oh, dude, thank you for taking the time. I know you're fucking busy as fuck. And

you're one of my favorite people. And I will send you the invite to the Jimmy

Whispers screening.

That's what I'm talking about, baby.

Love you, brother. I love you, dude.

I'll text you to bed.

All right. Take care, guys.