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- Please welcome to the
stage Joe Zimmerman.

Official YIFY movies site:
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- Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you Asheville.

Best crowds in the world

right here in Asheville, North Carolina.

And I say that everywhere I go.

I was just in Atlanta. I was
like best crowds in the world.

Asheville, North Carolina.

That's right.

They're like, "Why
would you tell us that?"

I was like, "It's just
the truth, you know?"

So it's good to finally be here

where I'm not immediately
booed for what I have to say.

So nice to be here. I love Asheville.

It's the only place where I've
seen a redneck and a hippie

and it's the same person.

You know what I mean?

Like is that a tie-dye gun holster?

I think the drum circle just
played "Free bird." Wow.

Feels good. Feels nice.

I've been told I give off the energy

of an emotional support animal,

which is unfortunate because
I am going full throttle.

This is a thousand percent
of my energy. Very excited.

So I hope y'all will match my energy

with significantly more energy than me.

See a lot of familiar faces.

Some friendly faces, couple haters,

but a lot of friendly faces.

I saw some people rolling in late.

I'm a late person myself

and the early people do not like us.

The early people say,
"You being late means

you don't respect my time."

Which is such an early
person thing to say.

Like me being late has
anything to do with you.

"I'm not late 'cause I
don't respect your time.

I'm late 'cause I was doing
something more important.

I was showering for a long time

and I forgot you existed briefly.

Just briefly. But I respect you."

My dad will show up an hour
early and text, "Here, no rush."

Which should be illegal.

That is a devastating text to receive.

But I had a good pandemic I got into...

Yeah.

It wasn't for everyone. But...

Yeah, I got into sports
gambling over the pandemic

and a lot of people say that's addictive,

but to me it's just kind
of a rush like no other.

It's not addictive, I mean sure,

sometimes I'll engage
in short-term stimulus

despite long-term adverse results.

It's not addictive.

It's just something that
engages my mind night and day

and ruins my relationships.

I finally called one of
those 1-800-GAMBLER numbers.

They were like, "I bet you won't quit."

I was like, "You're on."

I lost 40 bucks but...

I really started messing around

with early bedtime and that is addictive.

Start cozy and up at 10 you're
like, "Where's this been?"

10 is the gateway to 9:30.

Next thing I know, I'm curling up at 8:45.

Your friends are like,
"Where you been Joe?"

You're like, "Busy."

"Super busy, I got good
relationships and stuff."

8:00 PM is the overdose of early bedtime.

That's when you've gone too far.

You wake up 3:00, refreshed.

Walk the streets in the
night with the other addicts

and criminals

trying to make new friends,

looking in the coffee shop
window two more hours.

And then maybe I can help 'em open.

Weed was legalized in New York City,

and I finally started trying weed gummies.

I think I'm the only person that's like,

"Sure I'll do weed as long
as it's no longer cool."

Weed gummies, gateway
into regular gummies.

Yeah.

Wow. They taste good.

I forgot how good they taste.

Now I'm eating weed gummies.

Regular gummies. Vitamin gummies.

I'm a gummy boy now and it's tough.

It's a lot of gummy,
doing a lot of gummies

and it is more fun to say
you're doing gummy vitamins.

"Yeah, you wanna come over do some C?

We could do E."

"I got fish oil. Make
your eyeball slippery.

Could do some supplements.
Gaba, tryptophan, melatonin.

Get in bed at eight. Dude."

Last time I took melatonin,
I almost didn't wake up.

That was nuts dude, love melatonin dude."

If marijuana is a real medicine,

isn't it time for other
medicines to step up the fun?

Why don't we have antibiotic chocolates?

Penicillin Sour Patch Kids.

Get some Lipitor brownies. I don't know.

Vape the vaccine. Go in
for the booster bong,

Johnson and Joint. I'm just spitballing.

Yeah. So yeah, no,

A lot of addictions but
otherwise pretty good.

Pretty good.

I got broken up with to my face,

which I recommend 'cause a lot
of people are being ghosted,

not me.

Right to the dome.

It's pretty sweet.

People complain about being ghosted.

"I got ghosted again. What a jerk."

I feel like we forget the opposite

is when somebody firmly tells you

why they never wanna see you again.

And now that I've experienced both,

have to say ghosting might
be underrated just a little.

Sure it's sad when somebody disappears

but you should try having
your flaws expressed

by a woman named Beth
over a hot cup of coffee.

But she was very smart, PhD.

She kept beating me at board
games. I love game night.

She beat me at Scrabble,
Trivial Pursuit, Chess.

On the fourth game night I was like,

"I brought Hungry, Hungry Hippo."

I have a little two
handed flicking technique

that is unstoppable

and I brought Uno.

I'll teach you the language

and after that we can arm wrestle."

She did defeat me at those as well.

I've heard that men are intimidated

to date successful women.

What they don't mention
is successful women

are less interested in dumb losers.

What's up with that ladies?
That's a double standard.

Give us a chance.

But the biggest argument
we got in, I'm embarrassed,

she called me out for
mansplaining and I'm sure you guys

know what that is, if you
don't, I can't tell you.

But it made me think
long and hard about it

and I realized I wasn't
explaining anything.

We were just having a disagreement

and she didn't like what I was saying.

And I do think that's
the subtle difference now

between a man speaking
and a mansplaining is,

if you hate what he said,
that's mansplaining.

If you like what he's saying,

that's just a nice man talking.

And just for the sake of thought,

I had to wonder about the
exact opposite of mansplaining.

I think it would be a
woman asking questions

that are impossible to answer.

And she did that a lot.

I just don't think we have
a catchy phrase for it.

Like Ladyriddling.

Or a Woman's .

She asked me, "Who do you
think is cuter me or my cat?"

I was like, "I thought we
were gonna relax tonight.

Now I gotta grind."

And I'm looking at her,
I'm looking at her cat.

I can tell there's a lot of wrong answers.

And I thought I solved it.

I was like, "You're both so cute."

And she said, "No, you have to pick."

I'm like, "What is the answer?"

Finally I said, "You're the cutest woman

and your cat's the cutest cat."

And she was like, "That's correct."

I was like, "That was a close call."

That was way closer than anyone realizes.

I know there's wrong answers

'cause we were watching her favorite show,

"Love Island Australia" one
week earlier and she said,

"Who do you think's
hotter Courtney or Jess?"

And I'm like, "I didn't
even want to be here.

I don't even like "Love Island"

and now I gotta choose between
the hottest 22 year old."

And I said, "Courtney,"
and that was incorrect.

For a month she was like,
"Yeah, you think Courtney would?

"Yeah. You think Courtney
would like that?"

God, I failed that test.

She could never understand why

I don't like "Love Island."

I just can't get myself to care

about the relationships of strangers.

I have trouble caring about
my friend's relationships.

I asked my buddy Tom if he
was ever open to having kids.

He was like, "I have a
nine and a seven year old."

I'm like, "Okay."

"So you're open to it.

Thanks for the gossip."

But I have learned something
important from dating.

I've learned the best three questions

you can ask on a first date
to get to know somebody

they are, who's your teenage crush?

What will you name your firstborn
child and bank password?

And for me it's Matt Damon.
Matt Damon and Matt Damon2.

So that's just me.

I'm flirting now.

No, I do wish I was
friends with Matt Damon.

I very much wish that.

It was so much easier to make
friends when you're a kid.

Right? I remember when I was
six, Craig moved in next door.

He was six. We're both just
like, "Oh, age and proximity.

That's all we need.
Best friends for life."

Some guy my age moves in
next door to me now I'm like,

"If this guy talks to
me, I will be furious."

It's so easy to hang
out when you're a kid.

You just invite him over to play.

You don't even have to be specific.

He always comes over.

We always have a great
time and we're always mad

to be called for dinner.

Do you remember liking life that much

that you're annoyed about dinner?

Always asking to be excused.

"Please can I go back to my life?

How much eating do we
have to do in this house?"

Kids hate meals and bedtime.

That's all I have now,

Right? I call those the big two.

And if I ever do hang out
with another male friend now

it's never playful anymore.

It's always like, "Hey, I
haven't seen you in a while.

You wanna get together and eat?

We could like talk and eat."

Best case scenario,
there's a big game on tv.

We don't even have to speak.

We can just watch other men playing.

"They're playing well, I love that.

Don't you love it when our
favorite men play well?"

They always play better when
they play together. Huh?

That play was unbelievable.
Let's touch hands.

That was so nice.

Maybe after this we could play.

Yeah, no you're right. We ate a lot.

Sleep would be incredible.
You're always right.

You're my best friend.

I'll see you again in two years."

Sometimes I don't think
we give kids enough credit

for how traumatic grade school is.

Remember sixth grade phys
ed run a seven minute mile

in street clothes and then
just straight to math?

"Shouldn't have worn hiking boots today.

Smells like a locker room in here."

"You kids ready to learn about parabilis?

My heart rate is parabolic.

Recess is right after lunch.

'cause that's how digestion works.

Yeah."

"Yeah, now that you've
had spaghetti with milk,

seems like a good time to go
run around in a parking lot.

They all puked again.

Good thing we have our one janitor."

I think if I had to live one
day on a grade school schedule,

it would be the worst
day of my adult life.

Starting the day at 6:00 AM
standing on a street corner

in the rain, waiting on a bus

with no seat belts or schedule.

Jostles you to homeroom, that's
your coffee, is the jostle.

Homeroom, you're not allowed to speak.

No phones, no music, no gum.

"Do I have any human rights?"

"No speaking now pledge your
loyalty to your country.

Go on, pledge how much you love America."

"I'm seven."

"And admit that there's a God.

Admit that there's one God, go ahead."

"My parents are agnostic."

"Well I won't tell 'em. Go ahead.

Admit that there's one God
and you can say it quiet.

Alright, you're free to go
to first period US history

as taught by the JV football coach.

Enjoy his unique perspective.

A lot of hot takes on the Constitution.

A lot of gun stuff in the pop quiz.

Old Coach Hines, Coach Hines,

he would time you for getting water.

Could stand in line and he would go,

"One, two, three, time."

And that's all the water
you get as a child,

is a fast three seconds.

I think kids are going
through school dehydrated.

If he liked you, he'd go,
"One, two, three, and time."

That's if he liked you.

Yeah, I wish I had spent
more time learning.

I wish I had learned more in science class

because now I really liked
the science headlines.

I saw that James Webb telescope came out

and like Hubble Telescope is old news now.

You know, Hubble Telescope
is a piece of crap

compared to James Webb.

And as soon as they came
out with the first images,

there was a headline that said

"Universe, bigger than
previously thought."

And I feel like we
could've seen that coming.

I'll be more impressed when
there's a new telescope

and they're like, "We overshot it.

It's pretty reasonably sized.

We feel bad about our last estimates."

I like the science studies

'cause I feel like half of scientists

are trying to save the
world with climate change,

cure cancer, and the other
half of scientists are like,

"I wonder if orangutans
can play pickleball."

"No they can't."

"How about Bonobos?

No. They're kind of playing soccer though.

Let's publish it."

It always made me wonder
about primatologists,

monkey scientists, like smartest
in your class, high school,

smartest in college,
best in your PhD program.

And then the rest of
your career you're like,

"Bongo, no biting."

"Don't you dare pull
the fire alarm Bubbles.

No Bubbles. No Bubbles.

I love you too.

I love you too Bubbles."

Apparently, they struggled
to figure out why depression

evolved in humans because it
just didn't make sense to them

and then they figured it out.

A study shows that sad people

are better at predicting future outcomes.

So if you feel bad, you're correct.

Mmh-hmm, you sure are.

But don't let that make you feel good

because happy people
delusional about the future.

So if you're happy and that
makes you feel bad, good,

you just got a little smarter.

I guarantee it was a depressed person

that was the first person to figure out

to play dead for a bear.

All his optimistic friends
are climbing trees.

"We can make it."

He's like, "I'm just
gonna let him take me."

"It's fine. It's fine guys.

I'll take this one for
the team. Go ahead bear."

It just sniffs at him and goes
and kills all his friends.

And depression passes on
to the next generation.

Like, "How'd you think
to play dead for a bear?"

"I was just being myself."

You know.

Alarm clock at 8:00 PM.

Time for bedtime.

He's like, "Let's set
it for eight so we know

when to get the hell out of
there, start winding down."

That's your melatonin timer, isn't it?

I had a big birthday last year.

I am born in October. Scorpio.

And people have bad
impressions of Scorpios.

They say things like,

"Scorpios are full of
revenge and jealousy."

They've been saying that
to me since I was seven.

They're like, "You're wild in the sack."

You're like, "Am I?"

And then you just grow into it, you know?

But I'm tired of horoscope
prejudice, I am tired of it.

And one thing you can
do is you can write...

I wrote down an evil historical figure

for all of the other 11 star signs.

So then when they give
me guff, I can be like,

"Oh, and you're a Capricorn?

Those are good.

Kim Jong Un is a Capricorn.”

So that's a good one.

Good for you. Way better than me."

What's your horoscope, sir?

- Gemini.
Gemini? Right on.

Let me see what we got here.

Gemini, ever heard of

Jeffrey Dahmer?

Watch out for this guy.

How about you sir? What's your star sign?

- Aries.
Aries.

Kim Jong Un's dad.

And Logan Paul. Ouch! That hurts.

That one stings.

Anybody feel like you
have a perfect horoscope?

I see a hand over here.

- Leo.
Leo?

Known for seeking attention.

Yes.

First hand up, just like Hermione Charms.

Mussolini and

Roman Polanski. Watch out for her.

I saw another hand right behind her.

- Yeah, I'm a Leo too.
- We're Leos.

- Oh yeah, both are Leos.

Not one other hand in the room.

That's beautiful.

Horoscopes. They're so real, right?

They're kind of true if
you like think about it.

There's something to it.

Yeah, it's 'cause people
have been telling them

they want attention since
they were five years old.

And they're like, "Oh,
okay. I guess I do."

We'll do one more.

One more. Okay. How about you sir?

- Aquarius.
Aquarius. Rare, one in 12.

Very rare.

Jeff Epstein, so...

Watch out for that guy.

Yeah, yeah, I don't feel old,

but I did recently identify a bird

and that doesn't seem good.

"Is that a whip-poor-will?"

"Why do I care and why
do I have binoculars?"

I got into birdwatching over the pandemic,

went down to Central Park.

At first I did it ironically.

I was like, "I'm so alone."

Two hours later I'm like,

"Martha, look at that owl, gorgeous."

She's like, "That's a robbin."

And I'm like, "I'm new,
new kid on the block.

But that is gorgeous."

And I actually met a
professional bird watcher.

He gives birding tours and I said,

"That sounds like a fun job."

And he goes, "Well you get a lot of egos."

"In birdwatching?"

And he explained that people
will brag about how many birds

they've identified in their career.

And the best part is how they
verify they've seen a bird

is they just say that they did.

"So I've seen every bird, prove I haven't.

All 10,000."

"Oh yeah.

Where'd you see the
cinnamon-breasted tody-tyrant?"

"Asheville."

"They only live in Tasmania."

"Yeah. I was surprised."

"I was like, 'Weird, here?'"

Check.

But if you ever meet an arrogant birder,

you could actually have more fun

if you went too low with your number.

If they're bragging, just be
like, "I've only seen two."

"Well you've seen more than two birds."

"I wish."

"Yeah. It's just been
pigeons and crows for me.

Super bad at it."

"How long have you been birdwatching?"

"Four years.

I don't know if I'm looking
in the wrong places or what.

I've seen chicken nuggets,
but that doesn't count."

I like what PETA is doing.

They're trying to remove animal violence

from figures of speech.

They want us to stop saying,
"Kill two birds with one stone"

and they want us to replace it with

"Feed two birds with one scone."

And that's so sweet.

And I could almost see it
meaning sort of the same thing.

And I want all of us to
implement it immediately.

The next chance you have, no explanation.

"Hey, while you're grabbing gas,

could you grab some milk as well?

Feed two birds with one scone."

"What?"

"Just grab some milk
with the gas, would you?

"Two birds, one scone."

But birds, a lot of them
are gluten intolerant.

So if you feed two birds, one scone,

you could kill two birds with one scone.

Yeah,

the violence remains.

And I spend a lot of time in coffee shops.

I know I didn't need to say
that out loud to you, but I do.

And scones will get rock hard

about two hours after they were fresh.

So you could even kill two
birds with one scone stone

style as well.

There's more than one way to skin a cat.

I mean pet a cat.

More than one way to pet
a cat, this way and that.

Tail and back, whiskers.

You can kill a bunch of
birds if you have one cat.

Mhh-hmm, you sure can.

You sure can.

I was just in Arizona,

and somebody told me to
go see the petroglyphs.

I didn't know what those are.

We get out there, they're
these ancient rock drawings

and there's a plaque that says,

"Unfortunately there's no way to translate

what these mean today.

However, this little
squiggle might be a snake."

And you're like, "Yeah, I could see that."

And then they go, "And this
little circle might be a portal

into another world."

"Wow, you really took some
liberties on that one.

No way to translate,

but you're gonna guess portal off of that?

Okay.

You're not gonna guess

that they were drawing
a circle or the sun.

Portal? All right."

And this lady, I didn't see
her standing right behind me

and she goes, "Don't you wish
we could take a time machine

and ask 'em what they really meant?"

And I think that's why I don't
love talking to strangers

because you have to be polite.

You can't be honest and be like,

"Actually that would be a
dumb reason to time travel.

Spend trillions of dollars on fuel.

'Hey, we're here from the
future. Me and this lady.

We we were so curious
about this rock doodle

that you did on this rock.

Is that a snake? We're from the future"

"I was trying to draw a worm."

"It's a worm.

Good thing we time traveled Martha.

"Well, we're gonna head
back to our time machine

right through this circle."

He's like, "Whoa, cool portal."

"Wow. Wrong about the snake.

Right about the portal.
Didn't see that coming plaque.

Didn't see it coming."

Anytime time travel comes up,

it's always a short walk
to the baby Hitler paradox.

Some of you familiar?

It's the ethical debate.
The ethical debate.

Would it be better to,
if you time traveled back

to the moment Hitler was a baby,

would it be better to kill
baby Hitler or let him live?

Classic ethical paradox.
What would you do sir?

It's Hitler. You can save a lot of people.

- Kill the baby.
- Kill the baby.

- You're gonna kill the baby?
Kill the baby.

- Yeah. Okay, that's fine.
That's a fine answer.

Now you saved a lot of people,

but it is a baby and we do need
to know how you would do it.

You're a time traveling assassin.
You gotta kill this baby.

How do you do it?

- A time machine, I'd
get a seat further back.

- Oh yeah.

I don't understand why you wouldn't

wanna field this question, sir.

He's requested to move
back further into the crowd

where we will still
follow up on the question.

No, it's cool.

It's just a special, it's just a special.

And it's just my first
ever one hour special.

And so...

Pretty much the fate
of it rests on you now.

If you have a good answer,
it's going to a big platform.

If you don't answer, it's going to Quibi.

What would you do?

- Sorry, what's the question again?

- How would you kill a baby? Gosh.

It's not that complicated.

If I was the time traveling assassin,

I don't think I would
be able to kill a baby.

And that's fine if you would kill a baby.

I just don't think I would be able to.

That's just me.

But I do think I would
panic and bring it back

to the time machine
show up in the present.

They're like, "Why do you have a baby?"

I'm like, "It's Hitler."

"Who's Hitler?" I'm like, "It worked."

And now I just have baby Hitler.

Is this why I never had kids?

Was I meant to raise
Hitler in the 21st century?

I would try so hard to teach him to love,

find out if it's nature or
nurture once and for all.

He grows up, goes off to art school.

I'm like, "I'm so proud
of you baby Hitler.

I still call him that."

He calls me, he's like, "I fell in love."

I'm like, "That away baby. Love wins."

I guess it is nurture over nature.

Couple years later he's like,

"She dumped me for a rabbi, I hate Jews."

I'm like, "Easy Hitler."

"Kanye was right."

"No boy, that is not what we teach

in the Zimmerman household."

I'm actually not Jewish.

A lot of people ask me if I'm Jewish

'cause of my last name, I'm not.

And then that is something
I would mention to Hitler,

just as a precaution.

Yeah, I didn't grow up
with any real religion.

Like my grandparents were super Christian,

and my grandma, one of the first
Christmases I can remember,

she gave me one of the illustrated bibles.

All the greatest hits. You know the ones.

Adam and Eve, the origin
story of food shaming.

I know, when I eat apples,

I'll smother 'em in
peanut butter and honey.

And afterwards sometimes I'm like,

"I need to put clothes on, that was bad.

That was naughty. I
don't deserve happiness."

But my favorite as a kid was
always David and Goliath,

'cause you know, a
little boy beats a giant.

That's awesome.

And looking back, that teaches
a great lesson to kids,

which is if your opponent
is stronger than you,

shoot them in the head

from a safe distance when
they were not expecting it.

Was that a fair fight, David
or a murder? I'm not sure.

Not sure. You can be the underdog
if you're doing drive-bys.

"What'd you learn on that one Joey?

I learned that range
weapons always defeat ."

"Good."

Speaking of royalty,

I don't have an issue with Prince Harry,

but I'm starting to have an issue

with how much I keep
hearing about Prince Harry.

So I'm starting to have an
issue with Prince Harry.

And he said he was leaving
the royal family for privacy,

his words.

But ever since he's moved all,

all he's done is do a
Netflix reality TV series,

a tell all book, and
now a Spotify podcast.

Not the most private activities Harry.

To the tune of a hundred million dollars.

And his book should have
talked about how awesome it is

to be the prince, how awesome
it is to have everything,

get any private jets, any
backstage passes you want.

But the mistake he made

was he was kind of whiny in the book.

He was like, "My brother was mean to me.

He pushed me and he hung
out with his friends."

Sounds like you have a
normal older brother.

And people feel bad for him.

They're like, "He was born into a job.

He was born into an institution."

Every human is born into a job.

He's the only one born into a job

where you don't have to do a job.

And when he moved to
Hollywood, was it hard? No.

I have a friend that moved
to LA and lived in a Walmart

parking lot in his car and after a year

he moved back to Sevierville,
Tennessee with his parents.

People should feel bad for Douglas.

But do they? No they do not.

They make fun of Douglas.

They're like, "I can't believe
you thought you'd make it."

He's like, "I know I suck."

Prince Harry moved to
LA, Oprah hooked him up

with Tyler Perry's mansion,
which is a Tyler Perry movie

I would like to see.

With Prince Harry played by Tyler Perry.

Meghan played by Tyler Perry.

Oprah, Tyler Perry.

Tyler Perry played by Idris Elba,

and Princess Kate played by Meghan Markle.

She's a solid actress.

And Prince William played by Matt Damon.

Call it "Trading Places
3: Madea Takes Sussex."

I saw that R Kelly was
arrested after an FBI agent

watched his lifetime docuseries
and it made me wonder,

is the FBI finding out about
crime the same way I am.

Just friend referrals on what's bingeable?

Should we arrest Robert Durst?

Let's look at the Tomatometer first.

Yeah. He's doing well.

I have a friend that
watches murder documentaries

'cause she said, "It'll
help her avoid murderers."

But I feel like murderers
are also watching murder docs

or as they call them to tutorials.

And because we're in North Carolina,

I wanna ask you about the
most interesting murder doc

I'm aware of "The
Staircase," are you familiar?

- Yes.
- Woo.

Happened in the Durham area.

There's a documentary and
how many of you have heard

of the "Owl Theory?"
- Love it.

Yes. A bunch of you. Right on.

Yeah. It kind of combines
birds and murder docs.

So it's like really right up my alley.

But basically if you watch
"The Staircase" documentary,

this husband, it goes to jail,

even though there's really
no motive, no murder weapon,

no evidence, there's no evidence.

The whole trial, the
prosecuting lawyer is just like,

"I mean he is the husband."

And the jury's like,

"Yeah, he does seem
like he's the husband."

And the judge is like,
"Husband send him away."

And the neighbor first
put out the owl theory,

which is that there's an owl.

That sounds crazy, right?

That an owl did it until
you hear the evidence.

There was an owl that hung out

in their neighborhood all the time.

Owl killings though rare have happened.

In her hair, they found owl feathers

and on her hands traces of owl feathers.

The murder scratches match talons.

And it happened at night. That's owl time.

But this local detective was like,

"Owl feathers, tallon marks, husband."

She could be attacked by a
shark and people would be like,

"How do you think he pulled that off?

You think he dressed as a shark
or, I never liked that guy."

But as an avid bird
watcher, it made me wonder

if you're killed doing something you love,

would that take the sting
off just a little bit?

Seeing birds you've never
seen before? "Wow, a bard owl.

And it's looking right at me."

"Lemme let me see those
binoculars. That's not a bard owl.

That's a great horned owl."

"No it's not. Frank, don't
mansplain owls to me.

You can hear from its
distinctive bard owl call,

"Who cooks for you?"

Listen, "Who cooks for y'all?"

Hear that?

No it's not. It's doing the
distinctive great horn call.

It's saying "Who's awake? Me too."

Frank, do you know one thing about birds?

If you had the owl strikes,
he strikes, they both did it.

They were in cahoots. I said it.

They were in cahoots.

Send them to Alcaraz. I had to say it.

I had to say it.

Do you notice that groan?

Thank you.

Please note that groan as evidence.

Because after every show,
some guy will be like,

"Dude, you should've said
it was a who done it."

But if I say it's a who done
it, y'all hate me and groan.

And then if I don't
say it's a who done it,

four dads are like, "Man,
missed opportunity."

"Oh boy, if you thought of that man,

you would've blown the
roof off the place."

Who done it, man?

Go back to the writing board, man.

Let's see.

Did anybody else almost join
a cult the last couple years?

Almost join a cult.

I was watching the HBO
documentary about the NXIVM cult.

And I don't think HBO meant
it as a recruiting tool,

but they look like they're
having a lot of fun up there

upstate New York.

Their little bubble
community playing volleyball.

I'm like, "How do I join y'all's cult?"

"Sir? It's a self-help community."

Well, I am brainwashed
already. Sign me up.

The most susceptible people
to cults are overly trusting

and seeking community.

That's my Myers-Briggs.

It's bad.

But ultimately, I don't
think I'd join a cult

'cause I don't like doing chores,

which is why I was thinking
maybe I start a cult.

Just get the gravy.

And actually that's why
you're here tonight.

I'm doing some recruiting

and follow me.

I'll teach you the meaning of life,

which is to do chores for me.

But you know, cult leaders
have a horrible reputation.

But we only ever hear
about the charismatic ones

that got famous, the ones that made it.

You never hear about the other
10,000 guys that were like,

"Follow me."

And people were like, "No,
you're annoying Derek."

They were like,

"Oh, I guess I'll just
keep selling potato chips."

I didn't mean to roast potato
chip salesman on that one.

I know I'm susceptible to
cults because of the one time

I went to Bikram hot yoga.

After 10 minutes I already
finished my little coconut water

and I'm dizzy.

I didn't realize how hot it got.

I'm like, "I'll just step outside."

And as I get to the door,
the instructor goes,

"Hey, where are you going?"

And I'm so shocked to
be called out in yoga

that I was honest.

I said, "I'm going
outside 'cause I'm hot."

He goes, "I need you to stay
here where I can see you

so that I know you're okay."

"Okay, but I'm not okay."

That's why I was leaving.

But I can't say no to people.

I struggle to say no.

So I just returned to
my mat and I was like,

"I guess I'll just grind this
out for 80 more minutes."

I made it 10 more minutes

and then I was definitely dehydrated.

And I'm looking at the door, I'm like,

"I'm just gonna make a run for it."

I start gathering my things
in fake downward dog.

He comes over, he goes, "Everything okay?"

I am like, "Please let me leave."

I'm an adult man.

I'm paying you $12 to be here.
I'll pay you 40 to let me go.

And he said, "If you're too hot,

you can just lay it down on your mat.

You'll be fine.

It'd be better for the rest of the class

if you didn't leave."

And I'm looking at the rest of the class.

They're avoiding eye contact.

So I just lay down for 70 more minutes.

Just so hot and so angry.

I hope I die. So this guy gets fired.

I hope I die loudly. So
it's worse for the class.

Just furiously obedient.

The class ended. I was fine unfortunately.

But I went home and looked up Bikram,

they're trained not to let anybody leave

because once one person
leaves, everyone will leave.

And I recently learned he
went bankrupt. So I win.

I win the line.

I hung in there for the win.

Yeah.

So I have been told many times
that I have a soothing voice.

And so I thought it'd be nice to do

some soothing affirmations to really,

really finish on what I was made to do.

And so I'll just say
a positive affirmation

and you guys repeat it back
and we'll all feel amazing.

Sound good?

- Woo.

- Great.

I am blessed with this life. #blessed.

- [Crowd] I am blessed
with this life. #blessed.

- That felt so good, didn't it? It did.

I have released all irrational fears

and replaced them with real fears.

- [Crowd] I have released
all irrational fears

and replaced them with real fears.

- Okay, good.

Little mumbling, but good.

I forgive everyone who has ever left me.

Except for Beth. Go ahead.

- [Crowd] I forgive everyone
who has ever left me.

Except for Beth.

- Yes. Yes, thank you sir.

He said it like he meant it.

Yeah. Some passion.

I look really good thanks to this new coat

from Banana Republic.

- [Crowd] I look really
good thanks to this new coat

from Banana Republic.

- Thank you. I just got an
extra 10 grand for that.

Appreciate it.

I am actually a better overall
person than Tony Robbins.

- [Crowd] I am actually
a better overall person

than Tony Robbins.

- I am not currently being
indoctrinated into a cult.

- [Crowd] I am not currently

being indoctrinated into a cult.

- Nice. Thank you.

And lastly, I understand the intricacies

of the Israel-Palestine conflict.

And ultimately I stand with Tibet.

- [Crowd] And ultimately
I stand with Tibet.

- Asheville, thank you so much.

- I'm Joe Zimmerman.

I appreciate it.

Hope you enjoyed the show.

Thank you so much for coming out.

I shouldn't have.

I shouldn't have given myself roses.

Thank you so much.

Thank you. Wow, you're standing.

I'm delighted.

Wow. This feels good.

This feels nice.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you for giving me roses.

All right. I'm gonna leave.

You're the best.

This is crazy.

I mean, I shouldn't have.

Thanks again Asheville.
I'm really going this time.

I appreciate it.

Hope you enjoyed it.

Namaste.

♪ I bought this camera ♪

♪ Take pictures of my love ♪

♪ Now that he's gone ♪

♪ Don't have anybody to take pictures of ♪

♪ A lonesome highway ♪

♪ Is a pretty good subject ♪

♪ I'm gonna make myself
make use of this thing ♪

♪ I'm taking landscapes ♪

♪ I'm taking still lifes ♪

♪ I'm taking bad self portrait ♪

♪ Of a lonely woman ♪