Original subtitles

Hey, welcome to Beer Nuts. The Mater D will be right with you.

Finally, an answer to the question.

What if the Goodfellas tracking shot was filmed at Olive Garden?

So how do you know the director?

C for Craig.

I love them.

But my name is Steve. And I love my earring.

Well, you should. You picked them out.

I was just helping you have good taste.

Are you kidding?

I have excellent taste. I ordered us the breadsticks and dipping sauce.

Happy anniversary, honey.

Happy anniversary.

Oh. What's up? I just remembered.

I'm married to Boob Powell.

The artwork for my article is due on Becca's desk by 9 o 'clock. Tonight.

I'm sorry, honey. I just got to run by the office. I won't be long. Maybe a

hour top.

The waiter won't even be done tempting you with dessert.

Do what you got to do.

You're the best.

Take the car. I'll take a cab.

This is how all of Billy Bob Thornton's anniversaries end.

Thanks, baby.

Lift. Phone?

More like Inspector Loser.

Booyah!

Wilson's driving away right now.

We've got 11 minutes until Billings' alarm engages.

Tonight of all nights.

The perfect time to search the file.

I know. I'm on my way. I'll see you back at the office.

Bar at the airport, Hilton.

Bar at the airport, Hilton.

Oh, isn't that nice?

They put the inspecting mom parking spots right up front.

Red room.

Red room.

Okay, before we get too deep into this, is it inspector mom's or inspector's

mom?

Inspector's mom, but only if you're nasty.

My doctor makes me show up this early to appointments, too.

Meanwhile, her husband is wondering why he married Winnie Cooper.

I knew you got a chin tuck.

Janice, you liar.

Who among us hasn't ducked out on an anniversary to do a HIPAA violation?

Becca, yeah, I... Nate, honey, what's wrong?

Well, ask Daddy, okay?

What when he gets out of the shower?

Mommy's committing felony trespass, sweetie.

Chocolate chip, yes, tomorrow, I promise.

Okay, love you too, gotta go, bye.

Ooh, time to grab those free pharmaceutical pens and skedaddle.

Well, another long day of looking like George Kennedy is on the books.

No honest physician could afford real cotton dockers.

Time to meet the gang down at Beer Nats.

We got him.

The quote -unquote treasure chest in his office is fake.

Every week.

We nailed him. You nailed him. You were the best -kept secret in this town.

Better stay that way. I'm retired.

She just does B &As for fun now.

I could have. We almost met in his office.

I saw him leave.

When you saw him get into his car, was he wearing a jacket?

No. Oh, he went back for his date.

And you want to be my Watson. He's a known hypochondriac from Florida, and

58 degrees out. You tell me.

But we nailed him.

He's administered his last life -saving treatment.

Are you sure you want me to do dinner coming back full -time as an

reporter? Don't ask me. Ask me now. I'm all pumped up. That's exactly why I'm

asking you now.

No, I've got kids now. My little editorial column is more than enough

me. Tomorrow's column covers fun ideas for a rainy day with the kids and how to

pick a morning block.

Thank you, but I've also got a husband who's waiting for me at home on the

couch. Oh, go.

Go! Go home to your perfect life on your perfect couch.

Get in here.

Hitler's Secret Tunnels is on the History Channel again.

I'm in here.

I'm full of jalapeno poppers.

Did you get your column done?

Yep.

Where were we?

We were doing something?

I think so.

This is almost as hot as taking down Medicare cheats.

Mommy, can I have a glass of... Oh, my God!

Honey, you okay?

I'm fine. Max had a nightmare.

Oh, honey, that's just how Daddy tickles Mommy.

Oh,

sweetie, don't step on that.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure he already did. Do we have too many cupcakes at Grandma's

tonight? Yeah. Can I sleep in the big bed tonight? Of course you can, sweetie.

My name is Maddie Monroe.

Hi, Maddie. A wife and a part -time crime solver. Not necessarily in that

Honey, can I use a mop on that floor?

For the last time, honey, we use a rake on the shag. God help me.

This is my life.

In association with Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

Brad Keller, known for producing Oliver Stone's JFK, and this.

It's so inspiring how she worked her way up from lowly patrol mom to the rank of

inspector. You inspector, I'm busy.

I see your game, Danica McKellar.

I use this to spot stubborn laundry stains.

No running. Honey, eat something, okay?

Matt, have you seen my keys? The keys are in the bathroom counter. What about

wallet? Jacket. Pocket.

Okay, that's a hard nope on that necktie.

The key's falling off.

My Craig, he knows...

What about thrust?

Bathroom camera.

Hello? Have you seen the paper? They have enough to put that bastard away for

sure. Words I pray every day to hear about Andy Dick, Hilaria Baldwin, or

Thicke.

Okay, but they got 500 emails demanding that Ziggy start wearing pants.

And co -defendant.

A school lunch fund and bed lure?

Mom! Becca, I appreciate it really, but I don't do that anymore.

You literally just did.

That guy was dealing drugs to kids.

Call me in ten years when I have some free time. Love you. Gotta go.

Mom! No more oatmeal in the car, buddy. It's still stuck in the door from last

time. Who is this kid? Linda Blair?

Yes, sweetie. I can't find my soccer jersey anywhere.

Did you check the dryer? Yes, Mom. I checked there.

Oh, I could be hunting serial killers, you know?

Hey, let's go.

How am I supposed to find it if you keep putting it away?

Pack your bag.

I'm gone. I'll see you tonight.

You're not going?

For the last time, I work for Century 21.

I wanted to buy the gel. I thought maybe you had a stewardess on the side.

It's flight attendant, and I am late.

Hey! That is not a denial, mister.

Dad, can you watch my soccer practice today?

Oh, honey, Daddy's got to work.

Maybe Thursday, though. She's got the big tournament game.

No, I've got a lot of flight hours in the simulator.

Please, Daddy, please come see me play.

Why can't you be like the other bad dads?

All right, come on, kids.

In the car, let's go.

Oh, please, no one has ever been this happy at a children's sporting event.

Come on, Lucy, Lucy, come on.

Kick the ball.

Pass the ball.

It's a soccer ball.

It's not a Barbie doll.

The ball is not a Barbie doll. He really is a professional.

Suffered a bad knee injury, came to the States for medical treatments that

didn't work, and somehow found himself in my town, coaching little girl soccer.

And hating on Barbie, apparently.

And why not?

Look at how charming he is.

Come on, let's go. Move it, move it, move it. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Pass the

I fired my Lamaze coach for yelling like this.

What's gotten into him?

He's just whipping them into shape. It's only to motivate her. Girls, where is

your dignity? Where is your soul?

Oh, this guy's funny.

Everybody knows children don't have souls.

Summon your rage, baby.

Studies show that girls need to learn more aggression. It's good for them.

Right? I mean, how else will girls experience being treated badly by a man?

Whoa! Honey, he can't talk to our daughter like that.

You're doing great, Tara! You're wonderful!

Is this what I taught you?

That's me every time my husband tries to load the dishwasher.

Come on, he's got to be doing something right. We're a winning team.

This guy's an ass.

I'll talk to him. I'll talk to him.

Now, honey, don't get falsely accused of murder. We're having the Kleins over

for dinner.

That's why she keeps me around.

For my testosterone.

Also my Chris Pine -ish good looks.

Honey, it's four o 'clock.

Ah, shoot.

I got some stuff to do back at the office.

I guess I'll talk to him later.

By office, I mean airplane. I have some stuff to do around the airplane.

I think

we might have

met our murder victim.

Girls, there you go. Come on, come on, come on.

What do you mean you don't speak Spanish?

Learn! My first and only day as a public school teacher.

Was that Coach Rivera?

What was he doing with Bernice Haskins?

Bernice Haskins, typical soccer mom. Suburban Jezebel.

Dull marriage, 2 .5 kids, nothing much to give a second thought to.

Until now.

Stop, Maddie, stop.

Keep driving and go home.

Good girl.

Your inner monologue's a little too wonder years for me.

Yeah. Look, Bernice... Thanks, I'm a coach. That's interesting, but it's

none of my business.

I have much better things to do with my time than to worry about who's having an

affair with who.

Affair with whom?

Very busy day today.

Very busy.

What? I hadn't exercised all week.

Get off my back, me.

Did you work karate?

The car is still here.

What could they be doing that takes more than ten minutes?

If you're not careful, you're going to witness an open net goal.

Why is she holding her eye?

What's wrong with her eye?

Could Revere have hit Bernice in the face?

Was Kevin Spacey Kaiser Soze? I didn't see anything, but... I mean, what would

you do? Walk away?

Ah, the penny saver. Second only to pizza boxes for false pretext door

For me?

Maddie? What can I do for you?

I thought maybe you wanted your newspaper.

Before the sprinklers turn on. My column today is about getting oatmeal out of

car doors.

Sure, because... I'll get it later.

Thanks for stopping by.

Okay, well, you know, just call me if you need anything.

An ice pack? A comically large raw steak?

Growing up with a crime -fighting mom, chapter one.

Okay. Good job today.

Thank you.

I love you.

I love you, too. And no reading. It will strain your eyes.

Dear Father in Heaven, please move this plot along.

Amen.

Remind me to install full -size closets. Okay, I have to get started on this

week's Inspector Mom column, but what about Bernice? Was she really hit?

Maybe she was just upset about... Something else.

I hadn't seen anything after all.

I wish I knew for sure.

Oh, well, I'll just watch some YouTube videos.

Well, I was just about to finish my Sex in the Suburbs column.

I saw your lights run. I hope you don't mind me stopping by. I forgot my sleeve.

I have the best gossip.

I mean, I just had to see your face when I told you. So make it a good one,

okay? One of the soccer moms is having an affair with Coach Rivera.

No wonder why his wife doesn't come to the games anymore.

I mean, not that I wouldn't mind having just a little piece of that firm and

round and... Got it. You want to bite a soccer ball.

It's Jackie.

Jackie. Jackie?

Jackie? Jackie!

You know something?

No.

Bill! I don't know anything.

Craig's going to be home soon. But Maddie!

I feel like I haven't seen you in forever.

Except for my midnight gossip delivery.

He'll feel completely pampered. It'll be great.

Okay, one more person I have to explain if you want to understand my life. I

barely understand my life. You're my fun friend. You know, the one who actually

did experiment in college. I have a story or two involving her personal

and Jose the gardener. And these aren't necessarily separate stories. Yeah.

Use the friendly neighborhood gossip. I love her, but she's always trying to

drag me to things like beauty club meetings. Of course, I don't go.

Hang out with a bunch of socialites who all think they should be the center

story of my next article?

No thanks. But it's a good MLM.

The last time you got a break.

Well, let's see.

What month is it?

See?

That seems sinister.

I know.

I know. Maybe next time.

Can you imagine what Rivera must be like in bed? I mean...

He's so noisy.

Good night, Sandra.

I'll call you.

No, that's okay. Our phone is broken. I mean, it's lost. We didn't pay the phone

bill. I mean, we don't believe in phones.

I did need to relax.

I also needed a hug.

Where was that husband of mine?

He's probably somewhere hugging a Coors Light.

Hello? Hi, sweetie.

Look at me. Don't I look happy, peaceful?

That's because I didn't know that my sweet and loving husband just got

into a bar fight. I bet it was a lemon bar. They're always looking for a fight.

Whoa, honey, slow down. What happened? Where are you?

I'm coming up the stairs.

Wait, the bar was in the basement?

With none other than Coach Rivera.

I heard your voiceover, and yes, none other than Coach Rivera.

What happened?

And our story begins.

20 minutes in and it's just beginning?

What? He hit me.

Coach Rivera.

Yeah. This was getting out of hand. If that was a pun, it's the most

thing that's happened so far.

Yes. And he was drinking too?

We're at a bar.

Who all was there?

Terrence, Dr. Corder, and Don.

All right, come on.

We bring you live to Who All Was There?

Such a hard time.

We're winning, aren't we? Oh, and we all know how important it is to you that we

have a winning team, don't we, Terrence?

Look, I told you guys, I'm off betting for good.

Are you sure?

I think Ralph is still here if you want to join me in a bet on this weekend's

game. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can already hear Jackie in my head.

Jackie! The point isn't that Rivera's a tough guy. The point is he's getting

worse. What are you going to say to him? Don't yell so much?

He's a coach.

Coaches yell. It's what they do. End of story.

All right, look, I don't like his attitude, okay?

I'm going to mark him down for it. I don't think he's treating the girls that

way. Craig, I think we need to speak with him.

You want to speak to him right now?

Why now?

Because he just walked into the bar. Oh, I love these jokes. Who are the other

two characters who walk in?

What? He didn't see us.

Take a break, pool cue.

I'm going to go talk to him.

I'll come with you. No, no.

Shouldn't look like we're ganging up on them or anything.

Watch out now, Craig. You're just going to go over there and piss them off, man.

Guy! There's two grown men talking. It's going to be fine.

Look, a little hostility among enemies. Well, let's have another drink first.

You know, make it interesting.

Oh, no.

Have a shot of tequila now. That's fighting juice.

All right, look. You guys stay here and have another beer.

You don't have to badger me so much.

What's the fun in that?

Be careful what you say to him, Craig.

Don't bring up Ted Lasso.

Yeah, all right. It's the Ted. I see you, bartender. What up?

Hey, coach.

I'm no longer alone.

We'll have to meet somewhere else.

Yeah, he's here.

Bartender's here and took my order. All good.

What do you need?

I want to talk to you about practice today.

What about it? I think we need a mascot. I have a chicken costume. I'm good to

go. You shouldn't be so rough on the girls.

Is that what you think?

Yeah. I mean, you treat him like... Listen, don't question my methods.

I'm from Colombia.

My teams win.

When Pablo Escobar coaches peewee soccer.

Wait a minute, I'm talking.

Don't... What's your problem?

Oh, I thought everybody would be kung fu fighting.

Did you enjoy the show?

He brightens everyone's day with his laughter.

Who is he on the phone with?

That's your question.

No, I was thinking... Oh, I thought I smelled something burning. Maddie, stay

away from him. Stay out of this.

Excuse me?

I know you. First out of trouble, you go rushing in trying to solve everything.

Well, we're taking Tara off the team, that's for sure.

What? We got a good offer from Man U.

Maddie, I'm not in love with the guy either, but we can't punish Tara for

We'll find another team. It's not going to hurt little kid.

Why are you defending him?

I'm not.

Matty, I would love to go down there and just beat them. Easy there.

We can't afford to bleep you for broadcast.

Matty, you didn't play team sports.

I did.

The tournament starts this week.

Me and the guys have our great school fantasy soccer teams all worked out.

I don't know.

The coach will never be alone with her. You're always there, right?

Yeah. She's worked so hard this year for this tournament.

And I lay all my school sports disappointments on her doorstep.

You're a pretty good dad, you know that?

Maybe I had to listen to you.

If it makes it an action scene, please do.

Maybe that.

But promise me you'll stay away from Coach Rivera.

He's already got a lot of extramarital affairs on his plate.

I'm like my own restraining order.

Not within a hundred feet.

Oh, you smell like Cuddy Stark and Paul Maul.

Hello, sir or madam. Would you like to buy some red stilettos to help keep kids

like me off the streets?

So glad you decided to come to the beauty club.

Once I heard more about the event, I couldn't resist.

I do love all the Ritz Cracker appetizers.

Bernice's house. And this time, I get to go inside.

Come in!

Hi! Nice to see you, person not actually there.

Uh, well, I wanted to corner Bernice.

My bionic eye scanned the room. Locate her.

Oh, remember, ladies, there is no such thing as an unattractive woman.

Just a lazy one. It's your civic duty to wear makeup.

Oh, yay, Kathy Owen.

No family, no job, small trust fund, which rumor has it she's all but used

The kind of woman who says she doesn't need a man and then overcompensates by

being in charge of every organization she can get her hands on. If only she

a man, she wouldn't be so proactive.

Maddie, Maddie, Maddie, welcome.

It's about time.

We are so excited to have a famous journalist with us. But you'll do in the

meantime. Not famous.

Everyone reads Inspector Mom.

You know, I've always thought you should do one about where the missing sock

goes when it enters the dryer.

Investigative reporter Irma Bombeck covered that already.

Carrie,

you forgot to put the pen out.

Sorry. Use a cucumber.

Maddie is too humble. She's interviewed terrorists, you know.

They were drug dealers. It was a long time ago.

Oh, that one's run out.

And I got to tape a huge fake flower on it so people don't feel it.

So, uh, you're the director of the club?

Oh, I'm a lot more than the beauty club director.

Was Bernice even here?

It was hard to tell with all the mud. You know, prize -winning topiaries

trim themselves.

Let's enjoy possibly the first topiary conversation we've ever had in a movie.

You know, you might want to think about doing a piece on me for your Inspector

Mom segment. I mean, I know you don't normally feature plants, but these are

very special.

One is studying to be an arborist himself.

You can rarely find bullets like this outside of a formal trench guard.

That's amazing.

Amazing.

We must talk.

How about after the meeting, okay?

Okay. I'd love to see the minutes from the beauty club meeting.

She repeats everything I say.

Yeah.

She does that.

Overly cheery people scare me. Which is why I hate myself.

Except you. It works on you.

Come on. I don't want to miss the PowerPoint on sebum.

Isn't this great?

Ladies, no talking, no moving. In order to absorb the nutrients, we must

meditate on clean skin. She looks delicious.

Your closet's relaxing.

Maybe we can figure out who's been sleeping with contra fear.

Well, let's see.

Who's smiling?

Maddie, I expected more from you.

So did her fans. Okay, now it's time for the first round of gals to exfoliate.

Bernice, Carrie, Susan.

Ah, granny panties, please.

Can I help you, Maddie?

You were in the second group.

No, I know. I just, I had to use the restroom.

Is that okay?

Yes, just don't use the shell -shaped soap.

I had to see if Rivera really hit Bernice in the face.

She was probably too scared to tell anyone because then they'd know about

affair. I wanted to help her somehow.

Maybe I could help her wipe.

You know what? Her eye is probably fine. It's just the curse of an overactive

imagination.

Big tournament game tomorrow. Isn't it exciting? Whoa, whoa. Use the poo for

next time. Yeah, her eye is probably fine behind those enormous black

sunglasses.

Just want to remind her to jiggle the handle.

All cast members must bring their own chairs.

Don't worry, girls. You'll all have a chance to tear an ACL.

I'll hear this.

You must focus. The game begins in five minutes.

Cinco minutos, niña. What about French speakers?

Do they know when the game begins?

He had to work.

Guess what?

You are looking at the new treasurer of the garden club.

Do you garden?

I buy plants.

Expensaries don't count.

Twice.

It's more the honor of the office.

All right, girls, let the game begin.

Go, girls. Four minutes early.

Okay, just like we did in practice.

Okay, now the game begin.

Oh, my God, it's Jackie.

Is that Jackie? That's Jackie.

Oh, that's Spanish for Chelsea. Your mom brought gross organic juice boxes

again.

I mean,

Abigail does kind of suck.

My team, my rules. Get off the field. Coach Revere is at risk of not getting

end -of -the -year Outback Steakhouse gift certificate.

Honey, he doesn't mean that. How the hell I don't? You talk to my daughter

that again, I'll take you down.

Hey!

Everyone, just chill out. Wear your wife's hat and chill out.

Back to the game, back to the game.

All right, now, keep the ball, Donna.

Oh, touchstone, I guess. I guess.

Wow. Revere is so nasty, but look at the kids. They're so happy.

I guess everything worked out after all.

And now two weeks until basketball starts. Yeah, I guess it did.

Listen, I got a split.

Hot date.

In the middle of the afternoon?

Pool, ma 'am.

Can you come over tonight and help me with the treasury receipts from the

club? I'm sort of desperate.

Sure. I'll call you. Okay.

This is how they work in that Danica McKellar is a math genius.

I had a hunch the casting of this movie was done from a concession stand line.

Yep,

whistle works.

Where's the coach? We're ready to start the next game.

I don't know. I haven't seen him since we won the last game.

Who will berate the children?

Awesome. Awesome.

Y 'all were great. Y 'all were so good. So good.

We're alone over here for some reason.

Craig was right.

It takes more than a mean coach to affect my kid.

The wail of a mother realizing her kid's team progressed to the finals so she

has to come back tomorrow.

I just realized I have bad head.

Bernice, get Dr. Korda and keep the kids away.

Right. Bernice, now.

Jen, put your windbreaker on the bleacher so we have a seat for the next

What the hell?

He wore cufflinks with Under Armour.

And before I knew it, I was hiding my husband's involvement in a crime scene.

Oh, is precious baby too good for that?

What was Craig Cufflink doing here? Could he have

beaten the coach so brutally? That he lost to Cufflink, the ungrateful jerk?

Who's the person to the body?

Thank you.

Oh, no.

Why him?

Why now? If you remember, I'd like to ask you a few questions. No, I never

with Fred Savage. Hi, Rob.

Maddie Temple.

Oh, Monroe.

It's Monroe now.

Right, right.

It's been a long time.

You look great.

Trauma suits you.

Maybe someone else should question me, huh?

I'm okay.

If you're okay.

I'm fine.

Okay, first question.

Did you ever listen to my mixtape?

Did you see anyone go to the bleachers besides Joseph Rivera?

No, but anyone could have gone. He smoked there all the time. Everyone knew

that. Oh, thank God the bike cop is there.

Did you hear anything? Any fighting noises?

No, but with all the kids in commotion, it was hard to hear anything distinctly.

No, wait. I heard pow, wap, and zowie.

There are a lot of people more qualified to answer that than myself.

She destroyed him with her razor -sharp sardonic wit.

You know, Mark Montgomery's on this case.

Don't you have a criminal justice class at the university?

Yeah. Is this sexual tension or I ran into you at the airport talk?

Am I done?

I feel like I haven't seen you in years.

Meanwhile, three other soccer coaches have been murdered.

You know, I miss you hanging out at the precinct, bugging us with all your

questions. Who snapped my bra? Who pinched my butt? Do we have paperclips?

That was a long time ago, Rob.

My kids are waiting.

I did it again. Too creepy, too soon.

Yes, there's a story about Rob.

But I don't have time for that right now. I have to practice my EMDR.

Hey, Tyler, it's Maddie Monroe. I'm just looking for Craig. Is he around?

He's blonde and bland.

Really?

Not since when?

Okay, no, no, no, everything's fine. I just probably... Did she know that

don't keep track of other pilots off -duty?

Got it?

Yes, Daddy.

Did you see my goal?

I saw both your goals, sweetie. You were wonderful.

I only scored one goal.

Yep, Texas back sweat.

Listen, we're going to go to the hospital and check up on the coach,

Right now?

What was the brand of the bike?

Are these sick people going to get better? Well, it all comes down to

codes.

Are you guys going to be okay here in the hallway?

In this very busy public hospital?

Okay, Tara, watch your brother. I'll be right back.

I want to go.

I don't want you being violent.

I can't be with my video games.

I will see you again.

Bye. I'm going to do my violence and I'll be right out.

I just wanted to stop by and see how things were going.

Thank you, Maddie.

How's he doing?

Still dead.

Well, the doctors are still running tests, so we have to wait and see.

Hi.

Is the man going to die? Stay in the hallway. Mom, I tried.

Take your brother to the vending machine and keep him busy for two minutes.

Okay.

Get rid of Snickers.

Go ahead.

Sorry about that. It's okay.

How's Tara doing?

Pretty pumped about no practice.

This is the first time she's ever known someone who got seriously hurt.

How did this happen, Linda? Who could have done this?

I don't know.

Maybe... What?

My husband is a man who has a way of letting things get away from him. How do

you mean?

Knock, knock.

Oh, hi, Dr. Korda. That's our patient.

Dead. The same.

Were you assigned to Coach Rivera?

I signed in solely so I could watch over him. I don't want anything happening to

our girl's coach.

So how's he doing?

Until the tests come back, we won't know for sure.

Well, you certainly are taking an interest.

It's like you're a doctor or something. Joseph is a member of our community.

He deserves it.

Well, I appreciate your concern.

You know, Revere reminds me of myself when I was in college.

I was a peewee soccer coach major.

Everything happened to the team.

He is going to be all right, right?

The next few hours will tell us more. Right now, he's sedated to prevent brain

swelling. About time. That guy has such a big ego. Hopefully, when he wakes up,

we can ask him about his assailant. Wait, hopefully.

Hopefully. Calm down, Linda. He's in good hands.

I know.

I know. Thank you. I'm sorry. There's no need to apologize.

Paging Dr.

Condescension. Paging Dr.

Condescension. Thank you.

I'll check back later, Linda.

His coma results in him being the best actor in the movie.

Poor woman.

I'm going to check the MRI.

I'll see you later, Maddie. It was good of you to stop by.

Bring a Whitman sampler the next time.

Hi, Kathy.

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

I do my community service hours at the hospital once a week.

I also steal pain medication.

Is that Coach Rivera?

Yeah. How's he doing?

They don't know yet. Don't know yet.

This is awful.

I can't imagine who could have done this. Do you have any ideas?

Who knows?

But it is peculiar to me.

You think he would have been able to handle it? Flowers were delivered

What? Just got over with.

Doctor, can somebody, something's happened.

Oh, Mary Jo, something's happened. This is awesome.

Finally.

I'm calling Code Blue. Code Blue, everyone.

What happened?

I don't know. The alarm went off and all of a sudden... Well, they're saying

code blue, but it's hard to know what that might mean.

Let's give Abby.

Please tell me I didn't do this.

Just wait there.

And we're back.

But the coach isn't.

Very difficult for me to watch because the same thing happened to my grandpa.

was cast in a fourth -rate TV movie.

Does anyone object to calling this? I object to calling this Inspector Mom.

It's a really stupid title.

Oh, I was hoping that beep would go on for the rest of the movie.

We've done everything we can, but he's not responding.

Basically, it's his fault.

Sorry, he's gone.

Sorry.

Take comfort that his medical debt will always keep him in your memory.

And she takes the turn as wide as Oklahoma.

Greg, I need you. Please call me.

And tell me you're not a criminal.

Nate, how'd you like to sleep over at Erin's house tonight?

Okay. What about you, Tara? You want to stay with Maria?

Yeah. Stop the grief for now.

Um, stay in the car a minute, guys.

Well, it's still moving. Why wouldn't we?

Renee! Hey!

Hello,

Maddie.

Stay in the car, okay?

How about my permanently stunned expression?

Well, here goes Donnie's Greek salad.

What do I owe the pleasure?

I just didn't know if you'd heard.

Sam Smith's new album.

About Judge Rivera?

Oh, yeah, what a shame, huh?

He died in the hospital about an hour ago.

Dear Lord.

Can you think of anyone who would have held a grudge against him?

A grudge?

Are you talking about Donnie? No, I'm talking about Jeff.

And he had every right to be, but Donnie could never hurt anyone.

Karen, he's the one with the temper problem.

Karen. He's been out of control since he split up with Phillip.

True, but why would he lose his temper over this?

Maria was a star player.

There was also that league scandal.

Scandal? I overheard him talking to Donnie once about how angry he was. When

they canceled Keenan.

Bernice, if you know something, can you talk to the police?

Do as I say, not as I do.

Nothing. There's certainly no reason to attack Coach Rivera that brutally.

Viciously, maybe.

I gotta get back to the kids.

See you later. Later.

She didn't seem like someone who just lost her lover.

And there are at least 50 ways to do that.

I gotta act again.

Hey, what's up, Tara?

What's up, Nate?

Bye, kid.

My God, how I love pawning them off.

Hey, Terrence.

What's up, Maddie?

Dropping off the crew, huh?

Thanks for having him.

Not a problem.

Yeah, I can't believe the coach didn't make it.

So you're hurt, huh?

I got the call from Harriet Corder.

Yeah, I feel bad.

I ate some undercooked pork.

And for the girls, of course.

Do you have any ideas on who could have done this?

Is this really the most effective way to solve mysteries? Just asking your

neighbors who they think did it?

Well... What?

There was this talk that he was betting on the team.

What team? The kids?

Yeah. Oh, that's a great idea!

How can you generate enough interest in the outcome of a pee -wee -wee game to

make any money?

Believe me, people down at the crossbar, they'll bet on anything.

So I heard.

This is the face of a man who's lying.

Just in case some of you are curious.

Thanks, but I've seen plenty. Terrence, how do you know all this?

All I know is a local guy around here named Ralph Zender.

He's a hustler that would take a bet on his grandmother's bingo game.

Terrence, come on. Me.

I was the kid on Small Wonder.

Oh, no, wait. I mean... Don't tell Jackie, okay?

I used to be in the sports betting a few years ago.

But... I gave it up after I dropped a couple thousand at the Super Bowl.

Are you serious to think that Coach Revere was betting on his own team?

Yeah. I mean, I'm pretty sure I saw Ralph beat up old Jalopy at the game.

Someone beat up the Jalopy, too?

Are there any suspects?

Incredibly low thing to do, though.

Why didn't you ever file a complaint?

Not my style, man.

Besides, I didn't think it was worth killing a guy over. But I did it anyway.

How's Craig taking the news?

Oh. Fine.

I should ask Craig who he thinks did it. Thanks again.

No problem.

I better get out of here before the kids come looking for me.

I had to talk to Craig. I couldn't handle any more of this doubt.

What if it got into a fight with a coach and it got out of control?

If it's a fight, then technically it's already out of control.

Someone please invent GPS. I'm so lost.

Nate Oatmeal, I thought I got that... You know that feeling when any little

thing makes you want to cry?

Not until I watch this movie.

What is it they say about not being forced to testify against your own

Get divorced immediately?

Oh,

my

God. He's home.

Kevin McAllister!

Craig! Craig! I'm in here, honey.

Where's the kids?

They're at the Ormond's. I've been calling you. Where have you been?

I just got your messages.

Answer me. Where have you been all this time?

I've only been gone two or three hours.

Did you go to the soccer field? Are you having an affair with it? I found your

cuff link.

Yeah, I went to the soccer field.

I saw Coach Revere, even though I promised I wouldn't. It meant nothing.

God, just tell me exactly what happened.

Nothing happened.

He took a swing at me and I hit him. So quite a lot happened.

He's dead, Craig.

What?

We found him right after the first game. His head was bashed in by the

megaphone. And that is not funny.

I didn't kill anybody.

He was just fine when I left him this morning. Dead in the bushes. This

Yes.

Before the game?

Yes. What time? Around 9 .30.

And that was it? You didn't see him again afterwards?

No, I swear I... Swear on Coach Rivera's life.

I need a glass of water.

Just start talking.

Uh, well, the weather's been pretty chilly for March, and, um... And that's

you dropped the cuff link?

I guess. I don't know. Anyway, he wasn't there, and that's when I saw him

loading up his equipment.

Vera, you can say and do whatever you want to me, but you respect my daughter.

Two male lions put on a show of virility at a kid's soccer game.

Start it. Respect!

means by calling her by her first name, which is Tara. Which is short for

Tarantula.

Ooh,

that air punch really connected.

And then what?

I went to work.

Tyler could tell I wasn't myself, so I went to the gym.

And you didn't have your cell phone with you? No, I left it in my locker. And

now it smells like my sock.

I worked out again. I was bringing myself down.

Did anyone see you at the gym?

I don't know. It was pretty empty. Like my personality.

You don't think they'd think I'm a suspect, do you?

What do you think, Craig?

Your DNA is bound to show up all over that guy if they run those kind of

I gotta get different DNA quick.

I don't know.

The first thing I want to do is get rid of those cufflinks.

Give me the other one.

Where's the other cuff link, Craig? You didn't leave it there, did you? I don't

know. Charge him with dopiness. Where are you going?

I have to figure out who killed Rivera.

Wait a minute.

I'm doing a Dallas, New Mexico flight tonight, and I won't be back for two

You know, I don't like the idea of you getting involved in anything while I'm

gone, much less any other time. Why?

Can't you just let the cuffs hang? Uh -oh, fist acting. No, and I love you,

honey, but this time you don't get a vote.

Have a good flight.

Live, laugh, love, Craig.

Becca. Okay, Becca. I got a case I need to solve for real. You with me? You

kidding? Still got the badge?

Yes, ma 'am. You're right over.

Clark can't return.

I love the strong, independent woman haircut.

Totally.

I've never seen a pan featuring a pair of capris.

The crossbar.

It's the dirty little place where fathers like to go and pretend they're

young, wild, and dangerous.

Translation, play pool drunk.

Sorry, Craig, not now.

If only she had a pair of glasses to remove.

Hey, sugar.

When did Southern equal productive?

Can you help me?

Depends. He's looking.

Ouch.

See,

Ralph has a very good friend who wants to give him a very good birthday

Louboutin. You can just leave it here. I'll get it to him.

You're looking at it, honey.

Yeah, I tried this with Mike once and he wanted golf clubs.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, he's in the back room under the red sign.

Thank you, baby doll.

Is that a Cheerio on her ass?

Yeah, I can smell my own pits.

I better put this on.

Detective Benson.

Ralph Bender?

What the hell?

I'm not interested in making trouble for you with everything you've got going

on. I just want to find out more about the attack on Coach Revere this morning.

What if I ain't got nothing to say?

Okay, Margaritaville.

But then things get complicated.

What do you want?

I want to know what you saw this morning at the soccer field.

Hey, I didn't see nothing on the soccer field.

Matter of fact, the first chance I got, I hightailed it. Yeah, they were losing

in a big way.

Or do things have to get complicated?

Well, actually.

Hey, that was easy.

What happened was, one second, Rivera's there talking to me.

Then all of a sudden, this gal, she comes running up, and she's crying and

carrying on and yelling. She's yelling at me. She wants me to leave. Oh, my dad

telling stories faster.

And I come back a few minutes later, and this same gal, she's out there in the

middle of the parking lot, and she's yelling and screaming at another guy.

And I looked down on the ground there, and there's Rivera.

And somebody done knocked a hole in his head.

A boo -boo. Would you recognize the two again if you saw them?

Hell, if I know.

Didn't you get a look at their faces?

Lady, I'm paid to forget people's faces.

Any description at all? Hair color?

Height? Anything?

My husband, perhaps.

Maybe the guy was, I think he was muscular. I don't know.

I told you I keep my head down a lot.

What's this all about anyway?

Paint colors. Rivera died this afternoon.

Holy mother of pearl.

I got some phone calls to make, lady, and I told you everything I know anyway.

Except state capitals. I know them all.

Oh, sure. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go to the police. Yep.

Hey, I thought you was the police.

And we thought you was smart.

You're not going to say anything.

Because I got more on you than you got on me. Robot.

Sponsored by Toyota Sienna. The official van for wives covering up their

husband's evidence.

I'm sick of being the Easter Bunny. Where's my cuff link?

Yeah,

I think she might be projecting.

Or a minion.

How else do you think I'd stay all -knowing? See if you can get Revere's

statements from the last few months.

Follow the money.

Imagine having followable money.

Right.

Maybe the killer is repenting.

It was really sweet of you to come, Sandra.

Are you kidding?

Who could pass up drama like this?

Coach Rivera, clearly.

A lot of the fathers are still mad, saying they're glad to see him go.

At his own funeral service?

I wonder who could have done it.

XOXO Gossip Girl.

Do you think the murderer could be here?

Actually, would you watch Tara for a minute? I want to talk to a few people.

Okay, but before I forget again, I really need you to help me with those

receipts tonight.

If my math is right, and it probably isn't, the Garden Club is hemorrhaging

cash. Apply pressure.

I know, but please, I'm supposed to give them the quarterly accounting summary,

and oh my God, I can't believe those words just came out of my mouth.

Sandra. Your earrings look cheap. We'll talk about it later. Later is better.

Come on, Tara.

Oh, here comes Dollar Tree Patrick Swaythe.

Raw sexual repulsion.

Business casual?

Unfortunately, he's in flight until tomorrow.

We'll catch him next time.

So it's nothing urgent?

Just murder.

I was just going to ask him what he knows about this fight at the bar.

Oh, right.

Probably nothing.

Yeah.

Just have him call me, okay? Okay. I think she wants to call him.

Rob, is your cell phone number still the same? From when we... Yeah.

Banged.

She's always wanted to try, Dalton.

Why are you asking questions about my husband?

What? Don't act surprised.

I've heard that you've been asking people why they'd want to kill my

I've been trying to help piece everything together.

I'm more of a hindrance than help, TBH.

Well, not really.

Do you or don't you?

Just answer me honestly.

You at least tell me that.

Yes, I do.

Well, anyway, how's everything going otherwise?

I know that your husband was... Otherwise than his dad.

He looks at a bar in town.

Yeah.

He made bets all over town. Ralph Sander may have witnessed your husband's

attack.

Have the police talked to him?

We'll make sure they do.

I know the detective in charge.

He freelances gigs like this. I'm so sorry if I hurt you or offended you by

asking questions. Fine.

That sounds like a Minnesota fine if I ever heard one.

My husband is... was a very passionate

man.

We met when we were teenagers.

No one had pimples like him. Back then I was all he saw.

And he was all I saw.

And then he injured his knee and he couldn't play soccer anymore.

He was really bad at it, but still.

And all I wanted was a child.

And he couldn't give me that.

From a knee injury?

And of course he couldn't let the world know about his weakness.

We couldn't adopt.

I just wanted a ham bun from the buffet. We fell apart after that.

That's when he started seeing the other women.

Then they would call our house.

Hold that thought. I just quick got to tell you a cute story about my kids.

She would call our house almost every day.

I knew it was one of the other mothers.

It sounded like Jimmy Carl Black.

I was afraid that I would see something and then my emotions would get the

better of me.

Oh, Linda, I am so sorry.

I know he wasn't loved by many.

Many or any. But he was loved by me.

Now I have to live my life without him and it's just so strange.

He was far from perfect.

But he was the best ineffectual, abusive, spermless adulterer he could

And family is family.

Maddie, please help me find who did this to him. I will. Just

as soon as I can. I'm really busy with beauty club right now.

Becca, I'm still at the funeral.

Oh, you need to hear this.

Guess what just came through for tomorrow's obituaries?

Oh, no.

Yep. Ralph Bender.

Dead. I don't have another sexy dress to wear to a funeral.

Tara, honey, Sandra's coming over this afternoon to watch you guys.

Yeah. I have a few things to take care of, but I won't be long, okay?

Okay. Uh, hey, you didn't kill Coach Rivera by any chance, did you?

Do you want to talk about Coach Rivera?

I don't know.

Okay, I'll start. What a jerk. In short.

Just weird.

I mean, he was dead one second, and then he was gone because someone was angry

at him.

You know, it's scary, honey.

Things like this happen very rarely.

In other countries. People who would never hurt anyone.

But what if it happens to you or Danny?

I don't want you to die.

But if you do, can I watch more TV?

You don't have to worry about that.

Daddy and I will always be here for you.

I promise.

Yeah. Okay.

See, now this is my kind of acting gig. Laying in bed, easy to memorize lines.

You want some wine?

Maybe a sandwich?

No. You use that weird sawdust bread.

Okay.

Want to help make them?

Uh -uh.

Okay. No allowance for you, then, this week.

Mom?

Yes, honey? What's going to happen to the team?

Well, your last in the league puts you in a good position for draft pick,

You'll still see them, Tara.

I'll make sure of it.

Thank you, Mom.

Goodbye, Mother.

Nate, sweetie?

Yeah? Want to help me make PB &J?

Yeah!

I guess I'll help you.

To try that with cleaning the gutter.

Who has a peanut butter nose? I do!

Oh, it's all fun and games until someone has a peanut allergy.

Mom? Yes?

Do you have a peanut butter chin, Mom?

How did you know? This is a peanut butter tin.

Do we have any other monster options like Nutella, a Biscoff cookie spread?

Oh, Sandra, come on.

She gets this kind of reaction everywhere. Restaurant, doctor's

It's open.

Yeah.

Hide your lunch money.

What are you up to tonight anyway? You never tell me anything.

Sandra, you could blackmail me for years with what you know.

Sandra, do you have a peanut butter butt?

God, I hope not.

This scene is sponsored by Jiffy and Brazilian Butt Lift.

I want a peanut butter nose!

I'm so sorry.

It's a little game we play.

Peanut butter monster.

We violate people's personal space and ruin washing machines.

I'm really, really sorry. Things have been really tense, and the kids had to

blow off some steam.

The kids? Yeah.

She's like an imitation Cheryl Hines you'd find on Canal Street.

And besides,

we both know how you can make it up to me.

I know, I know. The Garden Club received... The account summary's due

If Danny Elfman had composed the Law and Order music sting.

Blackheads and nose grease really enhance the flavor.

You coming in?

Right after I pay a visit to my old professor.

Kevin Bacon is Amy Adams in Spotlight.

Later, at the old professor warehouse...

Hi, I'm Maddie

Monroe, here to see Detective Mark Montgomery.

Thank you.

Would you like one? Oh, I'm married. Oh, you mean a cookie.

Is this... Instead of bribing a public official.

Yeah, I don't know. If they're oatmeal -raised, then that's definitely a felony

of some sort.

Oh, entering a cube farm is where most of my panic attacks start.

Detective?

Natty Temple, the only A -plus I ever gave in criminal justice.

You still teaching once a week? Not since I lost my best student.

And the cookie payola. Do you have a minute?

Sure, come on around.

Fresh baked cookie?

Oh, my wife has me on a diet.

And you're afraid she'll smell a peanut butter chocolate chip cookie on your

breath? Do not leave the theater for the riveting possibly accepting cookie

offering scene.

Let's see.

So what brings you here?

Don't I have a theory about the Revere case I wanted to share with you?

Okay, Clarice, darling.

I think that Joseph Revere was killed by the thin guy who got Ralph Zender.

Ralph Zender.

Your bookie.

It was a murder.

Did you do an autopsy?

Ralph Zender was a no -good druggie.

He had baggies of junk all over that pigsty of his.

It's just a drug overdose.

Everybody knows those don't matter.

They're a little backlogged and not a priority.

Catalytic converters are being stolen in gated communities, you know. Even a

little struggle. We would have opened up a whole investigation, believe me.

I do.

And I believe if you had any information that hadn't been released, you'd share

it with me.

Because, you know, I'm good at this stuff and I only want to help.

You don't want to get the peanut butter monster angry.

Don't you remember me spending my summer internships in this building?

I passed you in the hall a couple times. I slammed you into the lockers. You

were all hours of the night.

That was off the record.

What Rob did in his personal life is none of my business.

Except when he cracked the Coswant case.

Then Rob's diary was made public.

I like solving puzzles.

It's fun.

I got exclusive coverage on the stories when they broke, and I always let the

detective in charge take credit for anything I figured out. But I never

Wordle.

There is this one thing that we can't figure out with Rivera, but you can't

anyone. He drove a PT Cruiser.

It found poison in his bloodstream and piercing on his neck. It's weird.

How so?

They said it was the irregular, not like a syringe mark.

What was it from?

That's just it. We don't know.

It's weird.

Effin' weird.

Do they know when he was poisoned?

It happened around the same time as his other injuries, but we're not sure which

came first.

Probably the poison first.

Why would you say that?

Why would you hit someone and then poison them?

Weird. To make sure they were dead.

See, if he was poisoned, then we know for sure it was premeditated.

Damn. And if he was poisoned first...

It could have been a woman. Oh, she's going to frame Becky Slater.

It isn't Officer Maddie.

Haven't seen you sniffing around here for a while.

Captain, we were just... Visiting. About the weirdest stuff.

Cookie?

Why don't you stick to the cookie sheets and let us stick to the crime sheets,

okay?

I think that's the line they lifted from In the Heat of the Night.

Hi, Rob.

He's three -quarters Swayze and a quarter cup Neeson.

With a pinch of Pratt.

It's good.

Kids, stay in the car. Oh, wait, I already ditched you.

Yes, there's a story about Scott, but she doesn't have time to go into it

now.

Becca, any progress from Zach?

Yep, he's been browsing every bank from the Caymans to Dubai, and it is weak.

And inadmissible. A ton of flux, huge cash withdrawal.

Sounds like he was betting on a lot more than girls' soccer.

First the account swings low to almost nothing, then high, then low again, all

within a few weeks.

Dollar amount?

Almost nothing to high within a few weeks.

How high are you to high?

Very good.

He had a business on the side. Not sure what he was selling, but Barry's Orchard

Supply bought a lot of it. And when Zach tried to find the owner, Barry Clarkson

didn't show up anywhere in the database.

Clarkson?

Orchard Supply? Mm -hmm. Bought a few thousand bucks worth of stuff at the

beginning of each month.

When the account was high, mind you.

What are those?

Long story.

It's a wonderful day in the spew, T -Wood.

Where are you going?

On a hunch.

Becca, you're the best.

You're the best super sharp gal editor with interesting glasses that Tri

Picayune has ever had.

Let's hope it's the crew from Instant Dream Home.

Maddie. Hi. So sorry I didn't call first, but I have an idea and I just

wait. Can I come in?

Sure, for a minute.

Well, that's my idea.

Coming in. Hi, Maddie.

What's this about?

Well, you know how yours and Craig's high school reunion is coming up?

In eight months.

I know. It's right around the corner.

Anyway, I thought maybe you'd have a yearbook with a picture in it.

He never saves that kind of stuff.

Except his tassel on the rearview mirror.

Great.

I want to scan it into the computer and create a whole montage of the high

school years.

I'll make sure it's needlessly long and super boring.

Oh, great.

Oh, wow, look at these hairstyles. You can take it with you. You were voted

likely to cheat with a coach.

There it is.

Bernice Clarkson.

Ever go by Barry? I prefer Barack now. What's going on?

I knew about the affair, but I didn't know you had a secret business, too.

Barry's Orchard Supply?

How? I want a little money of my own in case Donnie and I finally... Decide I

need money of my own. It's not a crime.

How about stealing from the garden club?

My store isn't showing any extra profit.

Your lover is.

Is this your new hobby? Wild accusations?

Weren't you supporting his gambling habit?

Only until he got out of rehab.

Those are very weak dots.

There's nothing there that ties me to Joseph.

Maybe not.

Except I never said it was Joseph Rivera.

I assumed it was Joseph Gordon -Levitt. I thought it was Joseph Stalin.

All right.

I admit it. I was seeing Joseph.

Why? To make the t -ball coach jealous. He was great in bed.

And then the fool gets himself killed.

Right when I was Super Horned Doggy.

That's why I need your help to solve this.

Tell me what you know.

Why should I trust you?

Because if I'd wanted people to know about your affair, you would have read

about it in the paper this morning. In the adultery and fornication list.

Look, a lot of people hated Joseph, but I don't know who hated him enough to

kill him.

Weren't you there?

Where?

When he was killed, a woman was seen talking to Rivera moments before the

attack. Whoa, whoa, slow down, Sherlock. I wasn't there when he was attacked.

I was there when he was poisoned.

And the moment I saw him, I was surrounded by soccer moms. I've got an

babe.

That's strange.

And he was seeing someone else, too?

I don't know where... The please take a number sign on the equipment shed should

have been a tip -off.

There was something.

His pet name for me was Sir Barks -a -Lot. Never mind.

What?

My little cupcake.

But in that Spanish accent of his, it was... Hard to understand.

And?

And a couple times recently, he called me by some other name.

I don't know where it came from. It was like Laura... something... Milora...

Peking? Maybe it was Chungking.

Milora Pekinia?

Yeah, yes, that was it.

And then he'd stop himself, like he'd called me by the wrong name. Which he

Look, that's all I know.

You won't mention the affair?

No.

On my garden store?

Not if you stop stealing.

Fine.

Anything else, Maddie?

Nope. Let's get together and wear low -cut tops again real soon.

I think you should tell your husband.

Please.

Donnie and I have cheated on each other so many times, we might as well be

politicians. Pause for laugh track.

Sorry, Maddie. Life isn't simple for everyone.

Donnie and I just don't make each other feel sexy anymore.

We haven't for years.

Oh, honey, I can hear everything through the door.

Would you answer a stupid question for me?

Sure, why not?

What were you hiding with those big dark sunglasses?

Oh, you noticed?

I guess everybody did. Pink eye.

Talk about not feeling sexy.

So frustrating, I wanted to cry.

I had to take a three -day sexy break.

Thanks, Bernice.

Yeah, well, don't judge me, McKellar. You're the one hosting Domino Masters

Bill Nye.

That's strange.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad it's not Bernice, but who was the other woman?

It couldn't have been his wife, could it?

Her nickname was Mi Pequeña Molestia. And then it hit me.

Literally.

Wait,

she got dragged into her own van?

Drive.

Where are we going? I said drive.

Okay, okay.

What are you doing?

Putting my seatbelt on. And then I'm cranking Nora Jones. I have a procedure.

Nothing personal, but you've been sniffing up the wrong trees, my friend.

Don't worry.

It'll be painless.

Maddie? Shouldn't look so sexy being abducted.

Turn left.

At Kelmont?

Yeah, right here.

Well, technically, you can't turn left from Maple on to Kelmont after 7 o

on a weekday. Just turn.

I admit it. I have had to do this exact same thing with chatty Uber drivers.

I'm feeling a little bit dizzy. Can I roll down the window? I'll do it. Just

keep your hands on the wheel.

So what's worse, gunpoint or getting car sick on your kidnapper's signature

fragrance?

You don't have to do this, you know. I understand how you feel. I've been

cheated on before by an old boyfriend.

That's why she dialed him. She can't let it go.

There's another woman. Another woman.

It hurts.

And I know you were the one who was arguing with Revere before he was

But I don't blame you. I mean, I would have yelled at him, too.

A 5 -3 -2 defense. Come on.

Not exactly.

Damn it!

Didn't your mother ever teach you to wear your seatbelt, Kathy?

Oh, sorry. We weren't fancy like you.

Give me out!

Childproof lock.

What do you want?

Can you watch my kids or not?

You have a habit of

repeating what people say. To irony, Mom.

You thought Rivera was going to give you that money.

It was for us.

Minus convenience fees.

He told me that he was just drinking Bernice along.

Just using her for the money.

We were going to go away together.

To Oxnard. We were going to get away from all of this.

I am the only one that left him.

Not Bernice. Not his wife.

I would have done anything for him.

Until you realized he wasn't saving money at all.

He was doing origami with it. He would gamble away my entire future.

I thought that he loved me.

I thought it was for us.

And when you found out?

When I confronted him, he just laughed at me.

As not shown in this flashback.

I'd hoped for the best, but I prepared for the worst. Oh, like me growing my

roots out.

Methyl bromide.

According to Garden Lovers Weekly, it's the deadliest insecticide on the market.

I knew it'd only take a prick to make him pass out.

Yeah, I'm moving on.

So I took him in my arms one last time. And pleaded with him to wash his shirt.

And I stabbed him.

That wasn't enough.

So I took that precious megaphone that he loved so much and bashed his head in.

You could hear his death screams for miles.

Probably should have turned it off first.

I get back out in the parking lot and some guy is backed into my car.

And Ralph Sender saw the whole thing, didn't he? I did that cockroach a favor.

Uh, Palmetto Bug?

Kathy, we have to go to the police.

They will find you.

You'll never know.

I mean, it's not like you're Lieutenant Mom.

Seriously, tell me my life didn't hinge on my five -year -old son's dried

oatmeal. What, just another reason to go keto.

What? That's right.

I fell out of the car at some point.

I don't have time for that story.

Oh, good thing Ponch was in the area.

The poison was methyl bromide. She runs a garden club.

I'm guessing that irregular mark on her bureau's neck came from that same pen.

The whole time I was looking for a guy. In a garden club.

I forget how easy it is to underestimate you ladies.

I forget how easy it is to overestimate myself.

You need to lower that bar a lot.

I've got kids who need me.

What was I thinking?

You were thinking about justice.

Thanks, by the way.

I'm just sorry I didn't catch up with you sooner.

How did you catch up with me so fast?

Were you in my neighborhood?

I was at a point break meetup. I saw you at the station.

I knew what you were up to.

I figured at the very least, we might solve our case for it.

At the very most, you might need a rescue.

I'll come to your emotional rescue.

Wait, your husband's name is Rob? I thought it was Craig.

That's great to see you again.

Yeah.

And thanks for the help.

By which I mean, thanks for doing my entire job for me.

Catch you in the next one, huh?

Tragically, there is a next one.

Okay, fine.

I'll tell you this much.

His name is Rob Campbell. Yes, he's single. I didn't ask.

Genuinely do not care.

You might find his name surrounded by more hearts than a deck of cards.

But that was a long time ago.

I did love him.

But not as much as I love my life today.

Wait, the kids are due back soon. What's Rob's number again?

How's the police issue?

It was wonderful after I told them everything I knew six times.

Kids, take this in the kitchen. I need to talk to your mom alone for a second.

Maddie, I'm leaving you for Rob.

Maddie. I know what you're going to say. And you think that's going to stop me

from saying it.

Southwest canceled my job.

How did things get out of hand?

I was reckless.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

You know as much as I love our kids.

I don't want to raise them alone.

So if you die, they go to your sister.

Is this the other?

Well, was it the other?

We may never care.

Hey, no running!

For state senator, we talked about this.

What a night.

For diarrhea.

Okay, everyone, bow your heads.

We're going to at least enjoy dessert as a family tonight.

Lord, thank you for this food we're about to receive.

And thank you for the blessings you give in our lives.

Amen.

Amen.

I'll get it.

Yeah, not even Mary Higgins Clark would put her name to this movie.

I should be fired. For thinking I was Jane Lynch.

I'm not having convinced you to come back to work full time. I can't believe

going to say this, but momhood agrees with you. It works on you, Maddie. I do

like it. It's like you've grown eyes in the back of your head. You are better

than ever. And the internet won't change a thing.

Front page again, my dear. But what's with the pseudonym? Why didn't you take

credit for solving the crime?

I'll keep doing Inspector Mom, but I don't want to be known for this other

stuff. It's dangerous.

And it attracts the wrong kind of attention.

I've got a family now. No, no, it's been ten years.

Big surprise.

So, you'll solve the crime and you'll do the article. You just won't take credit

for it? I didn't say that.

Isn't this basically the same setup as Mrs.

Columbo? That's Inspector Mrs. Columbo. I don't care who gets the credit. I need

the story. I need you.

Becca. You think about it.

We'll talk tomorrow.

I know you.

You can't say no.

Which is why she is the den mother in charge of the magazine drive, organizes

all the meal trains, collects Campbell's soup labels, drives her meals on

wheels, plans all the girls' trips, and sells essential oils.

Who was it?

Oh, the boss.

Saying glory days and left. Good news.

You're beaming.

A new assignment, maybe.

Oh, anything interesting?

Not really.

Oh, they're chasing ice cream with a glass of milk.

This week's Inspector Mom story, it went a little something like this. Please,

not again.

This week, I'm not going to talk about toilet cleaners or minivan tips.

But I would like to explore the drawbacks of mini closets. Watch out for

Instead, this week, I want to take a minute to reflect on how often we moms

about getting away, dream about escaping our lives to find adventure and

excitement. Ugly couches.

When instead...

We could be grateful for the lives that we have.

Our kids, our husbands, our families.

And the Motorola Company.

Sometimes, adventure finds us.

Right here in the neighborhood.

Okay, Baker.

What's next?

Sorry, wrong number.

And that's the end of this movie, but Inspector Mom will return in The

Remommening.

Hee hee hee!