Original subtitles

When their disciples came to question me.

And then they offered me protection.

And power.

Objection.

Power.

Objection.

What have we got today?

Just one, eh?

This looks a little scary, Billy. Are you sure you found this in the

section? I think it was right next to Curious, George, and Sammy the Seal.

Well, the Dewey Decimal is correct, so it must be all right then. You do know

how to use the Dewey Decimal system, don't you, Billy?

It'll be due back on Friday.

The 13th.

Make sure you return this on time.

Another fractured table.

From Fantasy Factory.

Our story begins in 1956 near Mildew, Georgia.

Where pure evil has reigned for 3 ,000 years.

Who said that?

I did.

Who are you?

I'm the narrator.

Oh.

1956 behind, our story shifts into the future to nearby Atlanta, where we join

movie already in the making.

Action!

Silk!

Hello?

Action!

Action! Action!

Hello, Angel.

What are you doing?

Sam!

I didn't think you'd be able to call till next week.

Yeah, I know. Linda's sister's sick. She's going over there to help out with

kids.

So, I thought we could drive up to the lake tomorrow and have some fun.

It's supposed to be a nice day.

Sure, Sam.

It sounds wonderful.

I was just going to stay and clean the apartment this weekend anyway.

Great. I'll pick you up around nine.

I had a drink at Rose's Cantina.

There I met a senorita.

She had an innocent smile, but guilty eyes.

Never before had I seen her.

She holds me so close when we're dancing.

In the air I was romancing.

She say, you got the macho, the tickle, the taco.

Dipping in the dew of love.

Dipping in the dew of love.

Dipping in the dew of love.

Get the moon in the sky.

Dipping in the dew of love.

With interiors complete, our movie crew moves out on location.

Wendy and Mark hurriedly gather a few last -minute items as they make their

getaway, hopefully without their beloved executive producer.

Thank you.

You can leave here all day.

Okay, I think that's it.

All right? You sure?

Yeah. You sure?

I guess so.

Okay, you go before me. I'll get the door. All right.

Okay.

Wait, wait.

Is that everything?

Yeah. Let's go.

Shadow Productions, the ultimate in modern movie technology.

It's about to encounter an evil 3 ,030 years old.

Meanwhile, back in Millview, a town possessed by 3 ,030 years of pure

evil, the Haynes family received a warm welcome from its concerned citizens.

There's the general store, honey.

I think all we need is Sam.

Sure hope they have live bait.

Someone's here.

There's nothing you can do. Come on back in.

Action!

It's so beautiful up here.

No, I think we should build a house up here.

After your divorce. Don't start that again.

Oh, Sam, don't go getting your tits in an uproar. How is this season?

Good.

It is beautiful up here.

I wouldn't have bought my camera.

I'll run back and get it. No, no, no. Don't be scared.

I don't mind.

I'll be right back.

Okay.

While our happy campers settle in, Barbara serves a gourmet breakfast as

Billy explores the nasty, nasty woods.

Billy, don't go too far, hon. Breakfast is almost ready.

Okay.

You boys better eat up now.

Lunch is on you guys.

Let's do it again.

Shot 39, take 17.

Action.

Cut.

Let's try and get it right this time.

Shot 39, take 18.

Action.

Well, I think they need a break, Luke.

Okay, Mom.

That's 15 minutes, ladies and gentlemen.

I don't love my wife.

It's you I love, Doris.

Oh, Sam.

Sam, you know I love you.

But I just can't keep seeing you when I know you're gonna go home to her.

Leave her, Sam.

I love you too much to give you up.

Poor Doris.

Doris, what do you love most about me?

I love your beautiful black hair.

Unaware of the hour, a time of day when darkness falls on the land and all

forest folk find their way home, our little explorer is persuaded by his new

friends to come over and play.

Oh, Cliff, I'm so worried about Billy.

What if he's hurt?

Don't worry, Barb. I'm sure the sheriff's hard at work looking for him.

Honey, I hope you're right. He's just a little boy.

Anything could happen to him in the woods. It'll be all right.

I'm sure we'll find him.

I wish we'd never come here.

I'm beginning to feel that way, too.

Next time we'll go to Disney World.

I'm just coming out to see you folks. You found him?

No, sorry.

Really, I am.

Please sit down.

Would you folks like some coffee?

No. No, we don't want any coffee.

What we do want is our son back.

We're going out of our mind. What the hell do we have to do?

He has to be alive. I know he is.

Come here, child.

I want to share if he's alive.

You've got to help us find him. Listen, this is a small town with big country

all around it.

I don't have myself much help here. We don't care about that. Listen to me.

I may know somebody that can help.

Thank you, Stella.

I'm going to give you this map to replace.

You just follow that road right out of town.

I'll take you up there myself, but there's been some trouble up at Choctaw

Ridge, and I'm going to have to get up there. You're not going with us?

I'm not going to be able to get back until tomorrow.

Thanks,

but I don't think we can wait until tomorrow.

Well, I understand.

But if you do go now, you're supposed to be carried.

Yeah.

The Haineses heed the sheriff's hunch and head for Ida's cabin.

No, Cliff.

Doesn't look like anyone's lived here in ages.

Sheriff said she was weird.

Or she's just not home.

Maybe it's the wrong place.

Hello?

Ms. Pearson?

Your adult said you might be able to help us. Our little boy's been missing

since early this morning.

Please, Mrs. Pearson, you're our only hope.

He's just a little boy.

Come in.

Make yourselves comfortable.

Thank you.

I'll make you some nice water. Tea.

Oh, we really don't want any tea right now. We don't have time for it. Okay.

Seems normal to me.

There you go.

Nice warm tea.

About your boy.

How can I help you?

You can help us look.

You do know these woods better than anyone. You could be our guide, give

hunches, something.

Poor little dear.

He must be frightened to death.

You must show me where you last saw him and I will see what I can do.

It was at our camp. It's not far from here. I can take you there right now if

you'll just... No, no, no.

Sit down, my dear.

It would be pointless to go now.

We will find him tomorrow.

And tomorrow?

These woods can be very torturous at night.

Pray that your son is safe one more night.

For now, you must make your way back before the night falls on

you.

I suppose you're right.

Thank you, Miss Pearson.

Ida.

We'll find him tomorrow.

Be back at dawn.

Cliff, what are we going to do?

Sarah wasn't much help, and she seems like she's two pounds short of a load.

Calm down, you're overreacting.

Who do we turn to now?

I'm sure Billy's safe, and Ida will be here to help us tomorrow.

Let's just go back to camp.

and get a good night's sleep.

I don't know, Cliff. I don't trust that old witch.

I don't think we'll ever see Billy alive again.

Meanwhile, back at the camp...

It's boring up here.

And it's cold.

We're missing Dynasty!

It's all right now. I told you not to bother coming, Brock.

I knew you would miss your Gucci world.

Do you really think I would let you kids do an Alfredo Broccoli production

without his creative genius?

Jesus, Brock.

Dick, don't be so mean.

If it wasn't for Brock, we wouldn't even be doing this film right now.

I should be eternally grateful to be in a two -bit movie about a monkey man and

extraterrestrials.

I'm going to bed. I've had enough of this drivel. Good night.

You think there really is a Bigfoot? Yeah.

Sure, kid.

And mermaids, too.

Good night.

I believe in ghosts.

You'd believe you could grow if someone told you so.

Well, I've got a cousin in Canada, so she feeds them all the time. Really?

Yeah, but they never bother anybody.

I think they're just people civilization passed by.

Well, I can't say for sure about Bigfoot in Canada, but back

home in Florida, there's a strange creature that lives in the swamps of

Wheaton's Island.

Sounds scary. Well, tell us about it.

It might interest you, because it deals with movie people in a way.

Remember those old Johnny Weissmuller movies?

The ones about Tarzan?

Yeah. Well, they made those old pictures at Wheaton's Island, near Tampa, where

I used to live.

I was scared shitless.

I couldn't believe how fast I was running. I came to the bridge and ran

it. Felt the bridge bounce on the other side.

I thought for sure Jack made it to the bridge.

Turned around to look.

There was my friend.

He screamed.

The bridge broke and he plunged into the water.

I yelled for him to swim to me.

But he screamed.

I can't swim.

I can't swim.

And just then, a thought.

Seven feet of teeth and nails gleaming in the moonlight.

I went to the police.

They came out and searched.

But they didn't find anything.

I was cited for public intoxication, but I never saw my friend again.

Bullshit, Wolf.

You're just trying to get everybody going.

It's the truth, Larry.

I don't lie.

Never have and never will. No, sirree, it happened.

At night, sometimes, I still dream of my friend.

I can hear him calling to me for help.

And I can't do anything about it.

True or not, you guys, I hope I don't dream about Jack tonight.

Somehow I don't think that would have scared me so much if he hadn't just told

us that story, Walt.

Probably a dog or something.

Come on, let's go to bed.

Luke and Yellen rekindle their passion as the sheriff uses Cliff and Barbara

Haynes for kindling.

Isn't it beautiful up here?

I'll take this over the city any day.

God, it's just great to be alive.

It's better than having a mule kick you in the head.

Honestly, Luke Stevenson.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother.

I think this place is lovely and we should build a house up here someday.

Yeah, someday.

Someday we'll be able to do a lot of things.

Like make some films that matter.

Some films with some substance and some maturity.

Not these horrid things we're doing now.

They pay the bills, young.

Well, just the same. If I have to play one more terrorized teenager, I'm going

to go bonkers and start doing dinner theaters or something.

You could always go back to mom and dad in Tinseltown.

No way.

I had enough of that as a child.

I don't know why, but I love you, Luke.

Everybody ought to have at least one talent. What animals do you find in the

stock market? Hey, you guys, you're going to miss dinner.

Blood, tears, toil.

Hey, Dick.

Larry's barbecue chicken is going fast.

Shadow Productions. Yeah, adults.

Anthony. Sheriff, there's not a problem, is there? We just set up camp and we're

shooting our new picture here.

We got it okayed. No, you're fine.

The reason I'm here is that I'm looking for a little boy.

He's by himself.

Wearing a red baseball cap.

I thought maybe he might come around here if he saw your cameras. Why,

Is he lost?

Yep.

Poor little fella.

He wandered off from camp a couple of days ago.

You know, these woods aren't the safest place for a little city kid.

Anybody else for that matter.

I sure would hate to be that little fella tonight.

You folks know where the town is?

Yeah, about 4 .3 miles from here. Right.

Some strange things have been known to happen around here.

But anyway, if you find the boy, bring him into my office.

His parents are worried sick.

You folks be careful. Don't go wandering too far from camp at night. Getting

lost.

Good luck.

Or is it break a leg or something?

Say, didn't you folks make that movie Barnyard Animals of the Living Dead?

Yeah, did you like it?

Nope.

Smegma, if you can't move hard, now is the time to do it.

Smegma, you'll see if you can find some LP band.

What the hell is this?

Smegma, did you take your shoes off? Something really stinks.

What kind of helicopter planet is this?

It's your number.

Let's get set up for the next shot.

What did I tell you, Mom? And you were afraid of going over budget. Good going,

guys. That method acting is really paying off, Larry.

Let's see now.

Uh, Mark, give me a couple of 1Ks and some red gel for the next shot. Okay,

Luke.

I can't believe we're on schedule.

That is pretty amazing for you guys, isn't it?

Oh. What would you do without me?

Maybe next time you'll wait for me.

Martin! What?

Oh, no.

I just found it this way. I mean, what could have done this?

I don't know. Maybe a bear or something.

Whatever it is, I hope the stupid insurance company will pay for it.

Do we need another one of these to finish?

What insurance?

You said we didn't need any, remember?

Oh.

Well, we'll just have to do without it. Come on, we got work to do.

Soup's on.

So, where's our fearless leader?

I don't know. I guess he's not hungry.

Where's Wendy?

As the crew polishes off dinner,

Luke polishes off Wendy.

Spring is my favorite time of year.

Makes everything look so beautiful.

Are you making a pass at me?

You're not only beautiful, you're perceptive, too.

What about yelling?

That's not what it seems.

You know, I was thinking, on my next film, how would you like to be associate

producer? Or better still, assistant director.

You have such a way with words.

Say, if that fucking Frisbee hits the camera, you're going to eat it, asshole.

Doesn't anybody have an electrical outlet somewhere?

I'm going to go look for Luke.

Poor dear is probably sleeping somewhere from exhaustion.

Early the next morning, Ida prepares a potent potion to preempt our prolific

producer's pitiful laugh.

Corby. Peace.

Thanks for all your help, Brock. I don't know what we'd have done without you

this time. Don't mention it.

Well, are you sure you can't stay until the end of the shoot?

Don't mention it, Kate.

I have to take care of my assets, you know.

Well, I think you guys are not going to run into any more trouble.

There ain't much else that can go wrong, you know.

Polly, if we have any problems...

Thank God that pompous ass is gone.

Motherf***er!

Beautiful, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

You know, I never took you for a nature lover.

I always thought you were a neon kind of guy.

Hey, anybody can appreciate this kind of summer. You want some?

No, thanks.

Sure, it's 100 % pure.

I'm all right.

That has some good stuff.

Drugs always make me horny. Yeah, me too.

Um, not that horny.

Look, I'm sorry, okay?

What you do is your business, but I'm not that way.

I won't tell anybody, all right?

One surprise is all we need this week.

The day's chores behind her, Ida makes herself beautiful.

Waiting for you, Santa Claus.

I had to wait for dark.

Luke. Luke, wake up. Wake up.

Dick's all freaked out about something, and now he is really shit -faced.

I've never seen him this wasted before. Come on.

Calm down.

Sound like somebody's mother.

I have wonderful news.

Not at it?

Died.

Are you going to keep it this time?

Or eat it? If it's a boy, we'll keep it.

But, if it's a girl...

The Haineses?

They won't be bothering you anymore.

Oh, good.

That bitch was driving me crazy.

She was harping on and on and on about her little brat.

Come on, Dick. Don't you think you've had enough?

Who? Me?

I feel fine.

And the coke and the Quaaludes balance everything out perfectly.

See what I mean? He's been like this all night long. You try. He won't listen to

me.

You got a little toothy there to share, partner?

Sure. Anything for the director.

You want some, Marty?

No, I don't. All this stuff does is make me grind my teeth.

Besides, we're supposed to be working here, something you two know very little

about. Give us a break, Mom.

You, of all people, should talk.

You're supposed to be directing this thing, not to mention trying to set a

example. Don't give me that shit. You know that this is crap we're doing. It's

all dog food.

Dog food.

Dog food, dog food, dog food.

Okay.

Just make sure you guys are on the set at 6 .30 a .m. sharp.

Right on, Bushy, dude.

You want some more, Luke?

No. No, thanks, Duke.

I think I'm going to go see if Yellen's awake.

And you.

You better stop.

Get some sleep.

Yeah.

I think we might have a bonanza on our hands.

Those movie people.

They're real stupid.

Our story continues

as the movie crew discovers a new day and the absence of Dick.

You know, you guys, I'm really surprised. It just tastes better than I

it was going to.

Good morning.

Morning, Kelly.

Are you all right, Kelly?

Morning, ma 'am.

He's not in his tent.

Who's not in his tent?

Dick, he's disappeared.

Right!

I knew once he started snorting that shit, this would happen.

And you!

You weren't much help either.

I swear, Luke, this is the last picture we make together.

Why don't we all go look for Dick? Yeah, I think that's a good idea.

Okay, I guess you're right.

You guys stay here, get set up, and we'll go look for Dick Head.

Now, move it.

Hey, where's everybody going?

Prone Dome got himself locked.

It's hard to believe anyone with a head that large can be so dumb.

Dick is Brock?

Yeah, his stuff's in here.

Where is he, Martin?

It probably broke down and he hitched a ride to town.

Yeah, you know how Brock is about his things.

He's not going to leave it here long.

Yeah, you're right.

And we need to get back to work. Dick has probably crashed out in the woods

somewhere. He'll sashay in around dinner time.

Probably with his wig on crooked.

I guess we could do the Bigfoot and the alien scenes.

I have to do Yellen and Dildo's scene later.

You've got the day off.

Well, okay.

I'm just going to go look for Dick.

Hey, you're not the king.

Dick hasn't made it back yet. Where the hell is Yellen?

It's still there.

Great. No leading man, no leading lady, and now no producer.

We'll never get this thing done.

There's no reason to get upset. Mark and I can go look for them. You guys stay

here. I don't need anybody else getting lost.

And quit poking me with that screwdriver.

That night, while the movie crew slumbers, pure evil enters their lives.

What are you doing here?

Where's Yellen?

I think she's looking for debt.

What a great idea.

I'm screaming. It sounded like it came from the girls' tent.

What's going on?

I don't know. It sounded like Wendy's screaming.

It was.

She's gone.

The crisis is really starting to freak me out. Everybody's disappearing one at

time.

Two. What?

Luke, Don, and Martin and Mark haven't gotten back yet.

What's going on?

We have to stay calm.

What's everybody doing? Did they come back?

No, but thank God you guys did. Why? What's wrong?

Quinty and Luke are missing.

Christ, what is going on here?

Look, I don't know, but we can't do anything else tonight. It's dark, and we

need to get some sleep.

Fate finally finds Yellen as her fellow filmmakers finalize their search plans.

Are you guys extras?

Everybody set?

Yeah. Okay, Larry, you, Mims, and Max, go north. I'm looking for somebody.

Tall guys?

Kind of bald?

Sam? Yeah.

You and Kelly, go south.

Where are you taking me?

Wolf, you and Mark, go east. That's all right. You take Mark.

I'm going to go by myself.

You live near here, right?

7 .30 now.

We'll be back here at noon.

Move it!

Which way is Noah?

Really,

I'm just looking for somebody. We have a camp nearby.

If you guys find anybody, shoot a flare for each one found.

Well, why don't we send up a flare now? That way, if anybody's lost, they can

tell what direction to walk in.

Good answer. Good answer.

Hey, Dad!

Dad!

This is stupid. We're just going to end up

lost anyway.

What do you propose we do, Max? We've got to find them.

I think we should go to the sheriff.

Maybe you're right, but I still think we should keep looking.

Okay, it's almost noon anyway, so let's just get back to camp.

You guys sit tight and eat lunch. I'll be back in about an hour.

I guess.

Good. And while you're gone, I'll get us something to eat.

What does everybody want?

What are our choices?

Spam. Or dog food.

Dog food.

We'll hike to town and get the sheriff.

As night falls, Ida begins a new spell.

Her children continue their innocent games.

Thank you.

No, no, no.

The placing of the doll sparks Iva's evil spell. Her creatures awake to carry

out their mission. To go where no monster has gone before.

I can't stand this much longer.

I'm going crazy.

Sit down and relax.

Martin said to hold tight.

another story. No, don't you dare.

Believe me, I won't go very far.

Stay within shouting distance.

was my best.

We'll make it.

This is not one of your fucking

movies, Yellen. This is real life.

I'm with you, Larry. Let's go.

Okay, you guys follow me.

Mark, you have keys to Brock's car.

Yeah. Let's pray it works.

You can't even metamorphosize anymore.

Mama.

Sarah, you've grown weak.

Mentally and physically.

You've turned into a thief.

My dear, I've no use for you anymore.

And you smell bad, too.

Bread and rubble.

This will burst their little bubble.

They'll come back!

Powers of evil. Powers of might.

Turn this mortal into a creature of the night.

nightmare past, all hope seems lost for our hapless movie makers.

Or is it?

Looks like it's clearing up.

It doesn't look like he's come back. His car's still here.

It was awful.

It was awful to stare at.

They were chopped up in little bitty pieces and there was blood and bread and

everything.

Stop!

There's yelling.

Our two survivors, Martin and Yellen, find refuge in one another's arms,

sparking a hope for shadow productions.

Or will Yellen go on to make movies of substance and maturity?

Or will the sheriff kill them and eat them?

And what of Ida? Will her pure evil continue to plague Mildew?

Or has she moved to your town?

Where's the sushi?

Oh, my God, there's Fifi. She is the worst.

The last one was so good, people were puking all over the place. How can we

on with this? I'm due on the set.

Fifi, shut up, please.

Anyway, what I was talking about, horror flicks, a great box office.

It's a real scary one, huh?

It'll scare the shit out of them.

Who ever heard about werewolves from outer space before?

We're going to make a fortune.

But we've got to find the right location, and that's where you come in.

spot all picked out for you in North Georgia. It's where they made that

Deliverance. It'd be a perfect spot for this kind of movie.

And the locals are real friendly.

And your crew, they can even bring their children.

The end. Please watch for other Tractor Fables from Fantasy Factory.

Your dad finally finished that McMahon and Tate account, and Mr. Poindexter

him two weeks off.

So we're finally going to be able to do what you guys have always wanted to do.

That's right, go hunting for Bigfoot, camping, fishing, all that stuff. And

guessed it, the Smoky Mountains.

Isn't it wonderful, Billy?

What'd you read this time, about ghosts, goblins, gullies?

Oh, my God. Oh, shit.

Oh, God, what is this stuff?

Well,

I ain't that good, baby.

Yeah.

Believe it or not, just want to hear you say it's my turn to be a star.

Raven patching my floor, can't you see?

Well, I ain't thankful, baby.

It's just a beast in me.

Well, I ain't thankful, baby.

It's just a beast.

It's just a beast.

It just be me.

It just be me.