Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.BZ

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

[rock music]

*

- YEAH!

WHOO!

[cheers and applause]

[laughs] YEAH.

THANKS, GUYS.

YOU GUYS KNOW ONE DIRECTION.

GIVE A ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

[laughter and applause]

THAT'S LIAM.

THAT'S, UH...

IKE.

THAT'S HARRY STYLES.

WELCOME TO THE OLD FONDA THEATRE, UNDERLINE "OLD."

COME ON, NOW.

NO, IT'S NICE.

IT'S A NICE NEIGHBORHOOD COMING DOWN HERE.

YOU CAN HAVE SOME FUN DRIVING DOWN HERE.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOUR NAV SAYS,

"IF YOU GET TO GANG BANG STREET,

"IT'S TOO FAR,

BUT IF YOU'RE AT CAR JACK, YOU'RE CLOSE"?

IT'S NICE. I SAW A HOMELESS GUY OUT FRONT,

AND HE WAS TALKING TO ME.

I'M NOT EVEN MAKING FUN OF HOMELESS PEOPLE.

THEY'RE GREAT. OR NOT GREAT.

THEY'RE OKAY, BUT--

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? THEY'RE, LIKE, IN THE MIDDLE.

BUT--

I DON'T WANT TO [bleep] HYPE 'EM UP,

BUT THEY'RE ALL RIGHT.

BUT I WAS WALKING FROM THE PARKING LOT,

AND HE'S WALKING WITH ME. "DAVID SPADE."

YOU KNOW THEY GET A LITTLE TOO TIGHT WITH YA,

LIKE, YOU KIND OF WANT TO GO SCOOT,

BUT IT'S TOO RUDE.

HE'S LIKE, "DAVID SPADE, WALKING ALONG.

"LOOK AT THIS GUY.

FROM TV, DAVID SPADE," YOU KNOW?

THREE BLOCKS. THEN HE FINALLY GOES,

"DAVID SPADE, GIVE ME SOME MONEY,"

AND I GO--

YOU KNOW WHEN IT TURNS INTO A CASUAL ROBBERY?

YOU'RE NOT REALLY ALLOWED TO SAY NO.

I GO, ANY COPS? NO?

OKAY, WELL, HERE'S 10 BUCKS. THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

"I KNOW YOU GOT MORE THAN THAT."

I GO, "WHERE ARE THE POLICE?"

PEOPLE ARE JUST WALKING BY.

I'M LIKE, "STOP ME WHEN YOU FEEL."

AND HE GOES, "AH, YOUR SHOW'S ON TOO MANY RERUNS, MAN."

I GO, "YOU HAVE A TV IN THAT BOX?

"YOU JUST SAID YOU LIVE IN A BOX.

YOU HAVE A TV?"

HE GOES, "GET ON GAME OF THRONES, MAN."

I GO, "YOU HAVE HBO IN THERE?

I ONLY HAVE HBO UPSTAIRS."

UPSTAIRS, NICE.

YOU GET IT. YOU KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.

NO, IT'S GOOD.

I LIKE PEOPLE ARE IN SHORTS.

THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE IN SH-- WHAT ARE YOU SAVING

THE PANTS FOR, LOUIS CK?

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

HONESTLY.

IT'S LIKE, I HAVE SHORTS ON TODAY.

I'M GOING TO SPADE TONIGHT.

SHOULD I CHANGE? NO.

SAVE 'EM FOR WHEN THE NEXT HUNGER GAMES COMES OUT.

LET'S WEAR 'EM TO A MOVIE.

OH.

WHERE ARE THE PANTS? ALL RIGHT, THAT'S FINE.

I USED TO LIVE DOWN IN THIS CRUMMY NEIGHBORHOOD.

MY FIRST APARTMENT WAS A LOFT.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

WHERE THEY HAVE THE BED STICKING OUT OF THE WALL,

AND YOU HAVE TO GET UP THERE WITH A LADDER.

AND IT SUCKS BECAUSE... [chuckles]

THE LANDLORD GOES, "AH, IT'S A LITTLE RICKETY,

"IT'S NOT TOO STURDY.

I DON'T WANT MORE THAN 500 POUNDS UP THERE."

I GO, "TRUST ME,

I DON'T WANT MORE THAN 500 POUNDS UP THERE EITHER."

HUH?

WHO'S WITH ME?

SHORTS GUY?

YOU GET IT.

I FEEL GOOD. I TOOK AN AMBIEN MONDAY.

WOKE UP ABOUT TWO HOURS AGO.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT AN AMBIEN IS?

YOU LIKE A DRUG DEALER, MA'AM. YOU KNOW WHAT AMBIEN IS?

STUMBLE HERE FROM ONE OF THE CLUBS.

EMPTY YOUR PURSE.

I TOOK AN AMBIEN.

AND IT'S A REASON IT'S A PRESCRIPTION,

BECAUSE I WOKE UP THE WAY I WENT TO BED.

AND THIS NEVER HAPPENS.

LIKE, THE EXACT WEIRD WAY, LIKE THIS.

AND THEN, 15 HOURS LATER, I'M LIKE, "HUH?

HUH? HUH, WHAT, WHAT?"

I'M LIKE, "THAT'S WHAT SLEEPING IS?

WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I BEEN DOING ALL MY LIFE?"

YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO GET UP SIX TIMES AND EAT STRING CHEESE

AND PEE

AND PLAY ANGRY BIRDS AND EMAIL PEOPLE.

MY FRIENDS ARE LIKE, "DID YOU EMAIL ME AT 2:41 A.M.?"

I GO, "NO, YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?

"THAT WAS AT 7:00,

"BUT I THINK IT GETS STUCK IN THE iCLOUD SOMETIMES,

"YOU KNOW, WITH THE TRANSMISSION.

THERE'S SOME BUGS. I'M NOT SOLD."

[chuckles] I'M NOT SOLD ON THE iCLOUD.

I HURT MY NECK.

I'M ON A VICODIN RIGHT NOW. I WILL ADMIT THAT.

[laughter, cheers]

YEAH.

[chuckles]

AND IT'S NOT EVEN MY FAULT.

IT'S 'CAUSE I GOT A TOOTH PULLED IN JUNE,

AND SO I HAVE TO BE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IT'S, LIKE, MANDATORY.

I WILL SAY THAT 50TH REFILL IS A TOUGH SELL.

I WAS AT MY DOCTOR, AND I'M LIKE,

"I DON'T FEEL PAIN, AND NOW THAT FEELS WEIRD.

"WRITE IT UP, DICK!

WHAT DO YOU CARE? IT MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME."

I HAVE A FRIEND THAT'S A PILL POPPER.

ACTUALLY, I HAVE FOUR.

I HAVE FOUR FRIENDS THAT THEY ONLY WANT PILLS

ALL THE TIME.

IT'S SO FUNNY. YOU HAVE A GUY LIKE THIS?

WHENEVER I TAKE ANY PILL, HE GOES, "DUDE, GIVE ME ONE."

I GO, "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS."

HE GOES, "DUDE, I'M MARRIED. COME ON."

I GO, "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?"

I GO, "THIS IS FOR SINUS INFECTION.

IT CAUSES DIZZINESS AND CRAMPS."

HE GOES, "DUDE, I GOT KIDS. HELP ME.

I JUST WANT TO FEEL DIFFERENT. ANYTHING."

SO I GIVE HIM ONE. I SEE HIM LATER.

HE'S CRAMPED OVER. HE'S LIKE...

[grunts]

"THANKS."

HE DOESN'T CARE.

HE'S HAPPY.

I HURT MY NECK IN HIGH SCHOOL, AND THIS IS WHY SOMETIMES,

IF YOU SEE ME ON ELLEN OR SOMETHING,

I'M SITTING KIND OF FUNNY, OR I SIT ON MY KNEES.

I JUST CANNOT SIT ON A COUCH.

IT KILLS ME.

I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL IN A TALENT SHOW--

POW--WHEN I WAS A KID, YOU KNOW,

LIKE, I WAS A SENIOR.

SENIORITIS.

AND I DID THIS TALENT SHOW,

AND I DID A DANCE NUMBER TO MACHO MAN.

AND AT THE END OF THE DANCE NUMBER,

I WOULD DO A BACKFLIP, A STANDING BACKFLIP.

AND I COULD DO IT 'CAUSE I WAS IN GYMNASTICS.

AND THERE'S A FEW RED FLAGS IN THIS STORY,

BUT WE'RE NOT GONNA FOCUS ON THAT.

WE'RE JUST GONNA SORT OF SKIM OVER THE TOP.

SO I'M BACKSTAGE AT THE SHOW,

AT THE TALENT SHOW, AND IT WAS HELD, LIKE,

IN A PLACE LIKE THIS, IN THE "CAFETORIUM,"

WHERE WE HAD OUR MAJOR SHIT, YOU KNOW, AT THE SCHOOL.

AND MY BUDDY WAS IN HIS KARATE GI, ALSO IN MACHO MAN.

AND I GO, "HEY, SPOT ME DURING MY BACKFLIP,

'CAUSE I'M GONNA PRACTICE."

AND THEN I GO, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

DON'T SPOT ME. I HAVE TO DO IT IN AN HOUR."

SO HIS JOB IS NOTHING. JUST WATCH THE DISASTER UNFOLD.

SO I GO LIKE THIS...

"HI!"

AND I'M SUPPOSED TO LAND LIKE THIS,

BUT I CAME OUT OF MY TUCK-- LINGO--A LITTLE EARLY.

AND I MISSED MY FEET.

SO I WENT, "OOF!" FALL ON MY FACE.

SO I BOUNCE UP, AND I'M LIKE, "UGH!" SQUIRTING BLOOD.

BLACK PAINT FROM THE STAGE.

AND I GET UP, AND THE GUY GOES, "ARE YOU OKAY?"

I GO, "NOT AT ALL," AND I WALK AWAY.

ONE KNEE, BLACKOUT.

I LOSE MY MEMORY FOR A SOLID HOUR.

LIKE, HARDCORE AMNESIA.

AND THEY GET, LIKE, YOU KNOW-- BY THE WAY,

WHEN YOU'RE A KID, AND YOU GET HURT IN MY FAMILY,

THERE'S SORT OF AN UNWRITTEN RULE, AN UNSPOKEN--

YOU DON'T SAY ANYTHING.

LIKE, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO GET HURT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I DON'T KNOW IF WE HAD INSURANCE--

WE DIDN'T-- BUT AROUND OUR HOUSE,

"DON'T GET HURT" POLICY, UNLESS IT'S FROM THE PARENTS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

BECAUSE THERE WAS SORT OF A, "YOU'RE FINE,"

YOU KNOW, SITUATION.

LIKE, ANYTHING-- "YOU'RE FINE."

I GO, "MY SIDE FEELS LIKE A--" "YOU'RE FINE."

I GO, "OH. BUT THE BONE IS STICKING OUT."

"YOU'RE FINE. A LITTLE BACTINE."

[hissing]

BACTINE WAS LITERALLY AIR.

AND THE PARENTS ARE LIKE, "PHEW, WE TOOK CARE OF THAT."

I'M LIKE,

"STILL A LITTLE PAINFUL 'CAUSE OF THE BONE."

SO I KNEW THAT.

SO I'M LIKE, GOING OUT, GOING, "OH, NO.

I'M--THIS IS UNCOOL."

AND THEN THEY BROUGHT MY MOM BACK

AND A DOCTOR FROM THE HOUSE,

AND THE DOCTOR GOES, "HE'S A BIT SHOOK UP."

AND I GO, "IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE?

"ARE YOU FROM GUNSMOKE? YOU'RE NOT SAYING ANYTHING.

"THIS ISN'T A TERM.

"I HAVE A CATEGORY 200 CONCUSSION.

I HAVE AMNESIA, DUDE. ALL RIGHT?"

IF I WAS IN THE NFL RIGHT NOW,

THEY WOULD STOP THE GAME AND CHOPPER ME OUT OF THERE.

THEY WOULD LITERALLY BE ALL-- THE OTHER--

THEY'RE ON THEIR KNEES, LIKE THIS, YOU KNOW,

THE WHOLE TEAM, AND THEN

EVEN THE OTHER TEAM IS, LIKE, FAKING IT,

LIKE, "OH, MAN, ARE YOU OKAY?"

LIKE, "WHO CARES? I'M GONNA REST."

[breathing heavily]

SO THE DOCTOR'S LIKE, "OH, HE'S A BIT RATTLED.

YEAH, HE GOT HIS BELL RUNG."

THESE AREN'T THINGS, ALL RIGHT?

THESE AREN'T MEDICAL TERMS.

AND THEN HE GOES, "YOU'D BETTER TAKE HIM

RIGHT TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM."

MY MOM'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD. OF COURSE."

SO SHE GOES, "DAVEY, DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL

OR PIZZA HUT?"

OH, MY GOD.

PIZZA HUT. THEY HAD ASTEROIDS.

NEVER WENT TO THE HOSPITAL.

NEVER GOT LOOKED AT.

JAW... [squeaks]

AND THEN, IF YOU EVER SEE ME ON, LIKE, LETTERMAN,

AND I GOT A PUKA SHELL NECKLACE,

IT'S ALL PERCOCET. I'M LIKE...

[gnawing]

'CAUSE WE WERE POOR, YOU KNOW.

I DIDN'T KNOW IT.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN YOU'RE A KID

IF YOUR FAMILY HAS ANY MONEY,

'CAUSE EVERYTHING'S FUN WHEN YOU'RE A KID.

LIKE, YOU DON'T-- YOU'RE TOLD LATER.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, I GUESS WE WERE BROKE.

I DIDN'T KNOW.

EVERYTHING'S, YOU KNOW, YOU PLAY WITH ROCKS, WHATEVER.

I KNEW I WAS BROKE 'CAUSE I HAD A ROCK COLLECTION.

I LOOK BACK.

MM, ROCKS ARE FREE.

I DIDN'T REALLY, YOU KNOW, PUT THAT TOGETHER.

MOM'S LIKE, "YOU SHOULD COLLECT BOTTLE CAPS."

IT WASN'T GOLD BARS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

BUT I'M--

SPOTLIGHT G--

THIS GUY GOING TO GLENDALE COMMUNITY.

YOU'RE GETTING THREE CREDITS. STAY ON ME, DUDE.

I'M NOT--

I'M NOT, LIKE--

I'M NOT SPRINTING AROUND.

I'M GOING 3 FEET THIS WAY OR THAT WAY.

IT'S NOT--AND HE'S LIKE, "OH, HE'S MOVING.

"OY. UH.

HE SAID HE WAS JUST GONNA STAND THERE."

AND I APPRECIATE THE MIC CORD FROM STAR SEARCH.

LIKE, GUYS...

IT'S...

2000 WHATEVER.

LIKE, WE--

THEY INVENTED THE CORDLESS MIC ABOUT 19 YEARS AGO.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I AUDITIONED FOR STAR SEARCH WITH A MIC CORD.

THAT'S MY LAST RECOLLECTION OF ONE, YOU KNOW?

LIKE A GARDNER UP HERE.

LIKE, HEY, THESE YOUR PLANTS?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[cheers and applause]

NO ONE WANTS A MIC CORD.

IT'S HARD.

I'M TIED UP LIKE THIS. IT'S--

I'M LIKE, "ANYWAY, HERE'S MY NEXT BIT," YOU KNOW.

FUCKING PUT YOUR FINGERS THROUGH.

FUCKING EXTENSION CORDS, DUDE.

SEE? RIGHT THERE. THAT'S--

WHATEVER, IT'S FINE. BUT THEY'RE CUTTING CORNERS.

THEY DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

THEY DID ALL THAT FOR ME.

THAT'S WHERE THE BUDGET WENT.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

IF YOU'RE A KID AND YOU DON'T KNOW

IF YOU HAVE MONEY, LIKE, YOU DON'T EVEN TALK ABOUT IT.

BUT WE WERE POOR, AND I DIDN'T KNOW.

AND ONE TIME IN FOURTH GRADE,

THIS KID BUSTED THIS SHIT WIDE OPEN.

HE JUST WALKS UP.

I'M ON THE PLAYGROUND, JUST CHILLING,

LIKE, OVER BY THE FENCE, YOU KNOW,

AND THERE'S KICKBALL, AND I'M LITERALLY MINDING

MY OWN BIZ, AND THIS KID COMES OVER,

AND HE GOES, "HEY.

I HEARD YOUR FAMILY'S POOR."

I'M LIKE--

BY THE WAY, NEWS TO ME.

AND I GO, "UM, HEH-HEH,

I THINK YOU'VE GOT SOME BAD INFORMATION."

BY THE WAY, P.S., WHAT A DICK, YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE ALL THE CHICKS ARE STARTING TO LIKE...

[squeaks] LIKE, NOT REALLY

THE PANTY-DROPPER YOU WANT IT TO BE,

EVEN IN THIRD GRADE, LIKE--

SO I GO, "UH, NO, HA-HA.

WE'RE DOING FINE,"

EVEN THOUGH I DON'T KNOW, YOU KNOW.

SO THE GUY GOES, "YEAH, IT'S JUST THE WORD

AROUND CAMPUS. YOU'RE POOR."

AND I GO, "OOH," AND THEN I START DEFENDING MYSELF.

"AH, WOULD WE HAVE TWO TIRES ON OUR LAWN

IF WE WERE POOR?"

"YES."

I GO, "NO.

"NO, YOU DON'T GET IT.

"WE HAVE A CAR WITH THE FOUR TIRES,

AND THEN WE HAVE TWO EXTRA ON THE LAWN."

HE GOES, "YEAH, YOU'RE BROKE."

I GO, "WOULD I WEAR THE SAME THING EVERY DAY?"

I'M JUST HEARING MYSELF SAYING IT, GOING--

IF I WAS POOR--AND I CAN REMEMBER MY MOM GOING,

"WEAR THAT AGAIN TOMORROW. YOU LOOK GREAT IN IT."

I'M LIKE--SUCH A SCAM.

THEY HAD THE HIGH ONES IN. ONE MORE.

BAMBOOZLED BY MY OWN MOM.

EVEN CRAYONS AT SCHOOL, LIKE, IN THIRD GRADE,

I REMEMBER HAVING THAT LITTLE GHETTO FOUR-PACK

YOU GET AT IHOP 'CAUSE SHE SWIPED 'EM.

"HERE'S YOUR CRAYONS FOR THE YEAR."

"THESE FOUR?

"FROM COCO'S?

YEAH, THESE LOOK LIKE THE ONES WE HAD YESTERDAY."

"MM-HMM, YEAH, THEY'RE VERY SIMILAR."

SO I BRING 'EM TO SCHOOL LIKE I'M KING KONG.

AND I'M OVER THERE, AND THIS GIRL NEXT TO ME

IS CUTE, AND THEN THE GUY BEHIND ME IS RICH,

I GUESS, FOR THEN,

AND HE HAD THE BIG BOX OF CRAYOLAS.

LIKE, 64, LIKE, THE MEGA PACK.

YOU CAN'T GET ANY MORE IN THERE.

CRAMMED IN.

I'VE GOT MY LITTLE FOUR, AND I'M LIKE--

AND THEN THIS CHICK GOES, "HEY, CAN I BORROW A CRAYON?"

I'M LIKE, "WHY, SURE."

SHE GOES, "DO YOU HAVE BURNT SIENNA?"

AND I GO...

"LET ME CHECK.

I'VE GOT BROWN, BLUE, RED."

AND THE GUY'S LIKE, "I HAVE BURNT SIENNA.

HERE YOU GO-- OH, LET ME SHARPEN IT."

[makes grinding noise]

ON THE BOX, LIKE A PRICK.

AND HE'S LIKE, "HERE YOU GO." PEW! PEW!

AND I'M LIKE, "YOU KNOW, IF YOU DO BLUE AND BLACK TOGETHER,

IT'S SORT OF A BURNT--"

SHE'S LIKE, "I'M GOOD."

BARRETTE.

I SAW THE 99 CENT STORE ON THE WAY IN HERE.

I ALMOST WENT IN...

'CAUSE MY SHOW'S NOT ON RIGHT NOW.

I WAS GONNA CHECK IT OUT.

AND THEN I HELD OUT.

A MILE LATER, 98 CENT STORE.

YEAH.

BRING IT HOME.

BY THE WAY-- NOT TO BE A SNOB--

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT'S IN THOSE STORES,

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT COSTS THAT MUCH,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

'CAUSE I GO, WHAT ARE THERE? THUMBTACKS AND YARN?

WHAT--YOU KNOW.

MEANWHILE, IT'S A FULL STORE.

FULL. EVERYTHING.

AND THE ONLY THING I THOUGHT WAS WEIRD

WAS THE HOME PREGNANCY TEST.

IS THIS FOR THE GIRL IN THE REGULAR PHARMACY

GOING, "YOU KNOW, I WANT TO FIND OUT IF I'M PREGNANT,

BUT I'M NOT SPENDING MORE THAN A BUCK TO FIND OUT"?

"I'LL JUST WAIT.

THIS'LL SORT OF FIGURE ITSELF OUT."

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE CROSSING THE STREET OUT HERE IN L.A.,

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT-OF-WAY WHEN YOU CROSS A STREET.

THE CARS HAVE TO STOP.

AND IT'S ALWAYS WEIRD BECAUSE IT'S SORT OF A POWER TRIP.

YOU KNOW, NO ONE USES A CROSSWALK.

EVERYONE'S LIKE THIS, "HEY, THAT WAS A GREAT LUNCH.

MAYBE LATER ON--"

[screeches]

[screeches]

[hums mockingly]

WHEN I CROSS, I GIVE THE COURTESY FAKE JOG.

THEY'RE LIKE, "JUST WALK, SIR.

YOU'RE ACTUALLY GOING SLOWER."

I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE THAT HAVE TOO MUCH SAFETY

IN THE PROTECTION OF THE RIGHT-OF-WAY.

THIS WOMAN'S PUSHING HER BABY IN THE STROLLER,

BUT SHE'S TEXTING.

SHE'S LIKE-- LIKE, SHE'S SORT OF POKING

THE KID OUT LIKE A STICK, YOU KNOW,

TO SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING OUT THERE.

AND I'M PULLING UP, AND I KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO STOP.

BUT I'M TEXTING TOO. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AND I'D WANT TO. THAT'S THE IDEA.

IT'S JUST NOT A PERFECT SCIENCE, YOU KNOW.

IT USUALLY WORKS OUT.

I'M LIKE--

AND SOMETIMES I GO FOR THAT FULL SENTENCE.

[screeches]

"WHERE AM I?"

LIKE, LITERALLY, "AM I IN A CAR?"

I'M LIKE, "LET'S GO TO THE MOVIE LA--

AM I IN THE STREET?"

[screeching]

IT'S SCARY.

THERE'S TIMES WHEN IT'S REAL TOUCH-AND-GO.

I'M SCARED TO BE UP HERE A LITTLE BIT.

IT'S SCARY TO DO A SHOW. PEOPLE ARE HERE.

I DON'T GET SCARED THAT MUCH,

BUT I DID DO A SHOW FOR THE PRESIDENT

A LITTLE WHILE BACK, LIKE, UH...

[cheers and applause]

BUSH. WELL, IT WAS BUSH.

[screeches]

BUSH 43. SECOND ONE.

SECOND ONE.

HE WAS, UH, A PRESIDENT.

GOOGLE IT.

IT WAS A WHILE BACK, BUT THEY--

IT WAS FOR SOME FOURTH OF JULY SPECTACULAR,

SOMETHING STUPID.

IT WOULD'VE BEEN JON BENET THERE IN THE OLD DAYS, LIKE...

* I'M A YANKEE DOODLE DAN-- *

YEAH.

BUT IT WAS ME AND LIKE, DESTINY'S CHILD.

IT WAS THIS STUPID, YOU KNOW, FIREWORKS, AND THEN I'M LIKE--

AND THE PRESIDENT'S RIGHT THERE.

SO I GOT SCARED BECAUSE I'D NEVER BEEN

ON FOR A PRESIDENT, AND HE'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME,

AND IT'S AT THE FORD THEATRE,

WHERE SOMEONE GOT PICKED OFF.

DO YOU KNOW THIS?

WHO WAS IT?

- ABRAHAM LINCOLN.

- LINCOLN, YEAH.

NOT FORD.

THEY WOULDN'T CALL IT THE FORD THEATRE

IF FORD GOT SHOT, I DON'T THINK.

MAYBE. BUT EVEN WITH LINCOLN, LIKE,

ARE YOU STILL HOLDING GIGS THERE?

I MEAN, THE PRESIDENT MUST BE LIKE,

"THEY WOULD NEVER DO IT TWICE," YOU KNOW.

THAT'S REALLY BALLSY.

SO I'M THERE, AND I GO TO GO ON,

AND I'M BACKSTAGE, AND IT'S SCARY,

'CAUSE I GIVE THE SECRET SERVICE MY SET LIST.

THEY HAVE TO VET IT, YOU KNOW.

THEY HAVE TO SEE IF I'M GOOD.

THEY GOT RID OF EVERYTHING IN MY SET LIST.

THEY GO, "NO AL-QAEDA JOKES."

I'M LIKE, "WHA--"

"NO SHOE BOMBER."

I'M LIKE, "THAT'S THE GOOD STUFF."

SO I'M DOWN TO, LIKE, THREE MINUTES.

SO IT'S--YOU KNOW, EN VOGUE IS ABOUT TO GO OUT.

SO THEY OPEN THE BACK, AND IT'S FREEZING OUT.

SO I START TO SHAKE A LITTLE BIT.

AND I'M ABOUT TO GO ON, SO I'M ALREADY NERVOUS.

AND THEN THIS GUY WHO MIGHT NOT EVEN WORK THERE

STANDS NEXT TO ME, AND HE GOES,

"I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T TELL YOU THIS,

'CAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO GO ON."

I GO, "OKAY."

THEN HE GOES, "YOU KNOW, WHENEVER YOU'RE ON IN FRONT

"OF THE PRESIDENT THIS CLOSE,

YOU WILL BE UNDER A SNIPER'S SCOPE AT ALL TIMES."

I GO...

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

HE GOES, "THERE'S A GUY UP THERE

WITH A GUN TRAINED ON YOU AT ALL TIMES,"

AND HE GOES, "IN CASE YOU MAKE A MOVE

TO THE PRESIDENT, HE HAS TO TAKE YOU OUT."

AND I GO, "WELL, THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M DOING.

THAT'S NOT THE PLAN."

HE GOES, "NO, NO, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

JUST IN CASE, HE HAS TO BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT."

I GO, "NO, NO, I GET WHAT'S GOING ON,

BUT--BUT ON ME, WHEN I GO OUT THERE?"

AND HE GOES, "YEAH.

YOU KNOW, I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID--"

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "THREE, TWO--"

AND I GO--

SO I GO OUT, AND I'M LIKE THIS.

YOU COULD TELL HE'S GOING FOR, LIKE, BODY, HEAD.

AND THEN, ANY JOKE, I DON'T WANT TO INCH THIS WAY,

BECAUSE I'M NOT--I DON'T WANT TO MAKE A MOVE, YOU KNOW.

SO I STAY WAY BACK TO THE WALL.

IT'S PLASTERED--'CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING LIKE THIS.

"HEY, I WAS AT COSTCO," YOU KNOW, AND HIM GO, "HUH!"

[imitates gun firing]

YOU KNOW.

BECAUSE THAT GUY'S UP THERE, AND I LOOK.

I JUST GLANCE UP IN THE BALCONY

AND SEE THE HAT GO LIKE THIS.

[squeals] HE'S LIKE--

[clicking]

PAINT.

WALKING WITH ME.

SCARY.

THAT'S HARD.

PEOPLE GO, "YOU'RE ON TV.

YOU'RE IN MOVIES. IT LOOKS EASY."

IS IT EASY TO ACT? YES.

I MEAN, YES.

IT'S NOT HARD. I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY.

OBVIOUSLY, PEOPLE CAN DO IT.

IT'S NOT LIKE OTHER THINGS.

THIS MIGHT BE THE EASIEST.

'CAUSE YOU ALWAYS HEAR ABOUT PEOPLE DOING IT

AND DOING WELL.

I MEAN, THE OSCARS.

THIS IS THE HARDEST THING YOU CAN DO IN ACTING.

THE BEST OF THE BEST AWARD OF ALL ACTORS, RIGHT?

JODIE FOSTER, WHEN I WAS GROWING UP,

FIVE YEARS OLD, SHE WON AN OSCAR, RIGHT?

HER FIRST MOVIE.

"GABRIELLA SIBIDE."

WE KNOW WHO SHE IS. SHE WAS IN PRECIOUS.

NEVER DONE A MOVIE.

UP FOR AN OSCAR.

LAST YEAR, BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD,

FIVE-YEAR-OLD GIRL, FIRST MOVIE,

UP FOR AN OSCAR.

JENNIFER HUDSON, AMERICAN IDOL.

GETS EIGHTH PLACE ON AMERICAN IDOL.

SHE CAN'T WIN IN THE FIELD SHE HAS TRAINED

HER WHOLE LIFE FOR, SINGING.

WALTZES OVER TO ACTING,

WINS AN OSCAR HER FIRST TRY OUT.

[cheers and applause]

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS?

IT'S LIKE ME, "HEY, I WANT TO PLAY IN THE NBA."

"NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT."

"THAT DOESN'T LOOK THAT HARD."

I'M THE MVP THE FIRST YEAR.

"YOU'RE BETTER THAN LEBRON?"

"I GUESS. I JUST PUT IT IN THE HOOP.

IT DIDN'T SEEM HARD, YOU KNOW."

EMBARRASSING.

IT'S EMBARRASSING FOR ALL OF S.A.G.

I WAS A LITTLE UNNERVED THE OTHER DAY

'CAUSE MY PHONE DIED,

AND I DIDN'T HAVE MY PHONE FOR A DAY.

IT WAS NICE.

NO EMAILS.

NO STRESS.

NO TEXTING.

RELAXING.

I'M KIDDING. I HATED IT.

IT WAS SO HORRIBLE. I FREAKED OUT.

I COULDN'T SURVIVE.

I WAS HAVING A PANIC ATTACK.

AND IT WASN'T EVEN-- IT WAS TWO HOURS.

IT WASN'T A DAY.

JUST LONG ENOUGH AS I COULD GET TO THE STORE.

BUT MEANWHILE, BY THE WAY, I'M DRIVING.

AND I'M LIKE, "I DON'T THINK I EVEN KNOW HOW TO DRIVE

WITHOUT TEXTING."

I'M LIKE--

WHAT DO I DO?

LIKE, JUST DRIVE AND LOOK AT SHIT?

OH, MY GOD. THERE'S TREES ON MY STREET?

IT'S SO WEIRD.

I HAD A BLACKBERRY, WHICH SUCKS, YOU KNOW.

'CAUSE, I MEAN, IT'S JUST LIKE THE FLINTSTONES.

I LIKED IT.

BUT YOU JUST GOT TO MOVE ON TO THE iPHONE, YOU KNOW.

AND IT'S--THE PART I DIDN'T KNOW

IS IT TRIES TO FINISH YOUR SENTENCES, YOU KNOW THIS,

WHERE IT'S, LIKE, JUMPS AHEAD A LITTLE BIT.

AND I WAS WITH A GIRL,

AND IT WENT A LITTLE SIDEWAYS ON ME.

AND SO THE NEXT DAY, I SAID,

"HEY, SORRY FOR MY BAD FORM."

AND IT SAID, "SORRY FOR MY TINY WEINER."

WHY WOULD IT--

LIKE, COME ON, iPHONE, YOU'RE ON MY TEAM.

LIKE--

BUT THEN THE GUY SAID

I TAKE SO MANY OF THESE PICTURES, YOU KNOW,

THAT IT LEARNS.

IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT.

I GET IT.

BY THE WAY, WHEN YOU'RE TAKING THESE PICTURES,

BE CAREFUL, GUYS,

BECAUSE UNLESS YOU'RE CHRIS BROWN,

AND YOU HAVE THIS HUGE HOG--

I LIKE WHEN CHRIS BROWN'S PICTURES

GET "LEAKED OUT" TO THE MEDIA.

"OH, MY GOD, I'M SO BUMMED OUT.

MY HUGE DONKEY DICK IS OUT ON THE INTERNET."

LIKE, REALLY?

ARE YOU REALLY SWEATING BULLETS OVER THIS ONE?

OF THE PICTURE THAT WAS OBVIOUSLY YOUR 15TH SELFIE?

DOUCHE, DOUCHE.

ONE OF JUST THE BALLS.

NO, MAYBE THE WHOLE THING.

HE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

"SOMEONE BROKE INTO MY LAPTOP,

AND THEN THEY'RE ON THE INTERNET."

REALLY?

BY THE WAY, DUDE, HOW HARD IS THAT?

I CAN'T EVEN GET INTO MY OWN LAPTOP HALF THE TIME.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE, PASSWORD.

[buzzes]

PASSWORD. [buzzes]

I'M LIKE, WHAT'S MY PASSWORD?

IT'S SO FUNNY. I GO,

I'M SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE SOMEONE STOLE YOUR LAPTOP

FROM THE AIRPORT, RAN HOME, CRACKED THE CODE...

FOUND YOUR WEINER PICTURES...

AND THEN SENT IT TO YOUR TEN FAVORITE WEBSITES,

AND YOU PUT OUT A PRESS RELEASE

IN A HALF-HOUR.

REALLY?

LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

"PLEASE DON'T LOOK AT MY DICK PICS.

HERE'S THE LINK."

AND YOU KNOW IT'S LEAKED BECAUSE YOU NEVER SEE AN ACTOR

WITH A TINY WEINER GET THOSE PICTURES LEAKED, YOU KNOW?

THEN YOU'D SEE SOME SCRAMBLING IN HOLLYWOOD.

"SHUT DOWN THE INTERNET? THE WHOLE INTERNET?"

"UH-HUH."

BOO-VOH-VOH-VOH-VOH.

LET'S FIGURE THIS OUT. LET ME THINK.

AND IF GIRLS EVER GIFT YOU

WITH A DIRTY PICTURE,

DON'T IGNORE IT.

THAT'S SUCH A MISTAKE.

ANSWER QUICKLY.

YOU DON'T WAIT NINE HOURS.

THEN YOU GET ANOTHER TEXT FROM HER.

"HEY, BY ANY CHANCE,

DID YOU GET THAT PICTURE OF MY PUSSY?"

"HUH?"

"OH, YEAH, NO, I DID.

"THAT WAS COOL. YOU DID DO THAT.

"UM, WE WERE EATING.

"YEAH, NO, GREAT.

SEND SOME MORE."

NO. NO.

NO MORE.

OR IF YOU GET A GIRL AT DINNER,

YOU KNOW SHE'S KIND OF A RUNAROUND SUE,

AS MY MOM SAYS.

IF YOU GO, "HEY, SEND ME A PICTURE," AND SHE'S LIKE,

"UM, OKAY,"

AND THEN YOU GET, LIKE, SOME STOCK FOOTAGE

OF HER BEAVER FROM AUGUST, YOU KNOW.

YOU'RE LIKE, "THIS IS YOU RIGHT NOW?

AREN'T YOU AT CHEESECAKE FACTORY?"

SHE'S LIKE, "NO.

I'M IN THE BATH. THERE'S A LOT OF CANDLES."

I'M LIKE, "OH.

THIS LOOKS LIKE SORT OF A MASS EMAIL."

[giggles]

DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE, FOLKS.

THAT'S THE BIG MESSAGE TONIGHT.

THERE'S A-- THERE'S A DUI LAWYER COMMERCIAL.

I DON'T WORK IN THE DAY. MY SHOW'S NOT ON.

HOME ALL DAY.

FIRST OF ALL, EVERY AD IS GEARED TOWARD THE FACT

THAT YOU ARE LOSER AT HOME IN SEARCH OF A CAREER.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

LIKE, EVERY AD IS, "ARE YOU AT HOME RIGHT NOW?"

"LAYING AROUND, HUNGOVER,

"WEED ON THE TABLE?

YOU WANT TO CHANGE ALL THAT?"

AND I THINK, "MAYBE I COULD GO TO DEVRY.

THEY SAY IT'S NOT TOO LATE."

THIS DUI LAWYER, LIKE, IT MUST BE SO RAMPANT.

THEY HAVE A COMMERCIAL.

IT'S GOT THE FAKE JAIL BARS.

[imitates cell door closing]

AND HE GOES, "I'M THE BEST GODDAMN DUI LAWYER OUT THERE.

YOU CALL ME BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE."

I'M LIKE, "YEAH--

"WAIT, I DON'T GET IT.

I CALL YOU BEFORE I GET A DUI?"

THAT'S LIKE, AN AWKWARD CALL.

"HEY, WHAT'S UP?

"IT'S NOON.

"I JUST--I'M GOING OUT LATER.

I DON'T EVEN DRINK, BUT I REALIZE I'M GOING TO JAIL."

THEY HAVE CHECKPOINTS.

CHECKPOINTS ARE BAD WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK.

I MEAN, ONE TIME I DRANK AND DRIV--

DROVE AND DRANK.

ONE TIME.

AND IT WAS A MISTAKE,

BUT I WAS HORRIFIED

'CAUSE I WAS IN TRAFFIC AT 3:00 A.M. ON SUNSET,

WHICH USUALLY DOESN'T HAPPEN.

SO I'M ALMOST HOME, LIKE, "AH, AH, AH!"

AND THEN IT'S TRAFFIC,

AND I'M ALWAYS SELFISH IN TRAFFIC.

I'M LIKE, "THERE BETTER BE AN ACCIDENT UP HERE."

"THERE BETTER BE A PILE OF DEAD BODIES.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?"

LIKE, THIS IS SLOW.

AND THE GROSS FEELING WHEN YOU REALIZE

YOU'RE IN A DUI CHECKPOINT.

I GO, "WHAT ARE THE LIGHT-- OH, FUCK!

"IS THIS A DUI CHECKPOINT?

"NO, NO, NO!

"NO, I CAN'T BE HERE!

"HEY, I'M DRUNK! I'M THE LAST PER--

"BACK IT UP. BACK IT UP.

"I'M BOXED IN. GO, GO, GO.

"HEY, IF WE WORK TOGETHER AS A TEAM,

"WE CAN GET ME OUT OF HERE TO SAFETY.

COME ON."

NO ONE'S HELPING ME.

AND THEN I DO THE U-TURN.

OOH. YOU KNOW WHAT?

A U-TURN IS A SIGNED CONFESSION, YOU KNOW?

NO COPS BELIEVE YOU'RE LIKE, "IT'S CHILLY.

MAYBE I'LL GET MY WINDBREAKER," YOU KNOW.

I'M SO OLD, WHEN I GREW UP, WE DIDN'T HAVE DUIs.

THIS IS WHEN AMERICA WAS GREAT.

CAN YOU IMAGINE NOT WORRYING ABOUT IT AT ALL?

OH, THIS WAS MUSIC TO MY DAD, 'CAUSE HE WAS A SUPER DRUNK.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WE'D COME HOME FROM DINNER,

AND HE'S LIKE, "THERE WE GO."

[screeches]

HE'S HITTING DOGS AND MAILBOXES.

LIKE, ANYTHING IN HIS WAY.

AND THEN-- [imitates siren blip]

AND IT'S A DIFFERENT CONVERSATION.

THE COP WALKS UP.

"HEY, DID YOU KNOW-- OH, MY GOD.

"I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE SHIT-FACED.

I'M SORRY."

MY DAD'S LIKE, "YEAH, BEAT IT, MOM."

HE'S LIKE, "NO, I THOUGHT YOU WERE HAVING A SEIZURE.

YOU WERE JUST HITTING SO MANY THINGS."

HE'S LIKE, "I KNOW. RAH, RAH, RAH.

GET LOST."

AND HE GOES, "LISTEN, MAYBE IF YOU JUST TOOK

"ONE BEER OUT OF ONE OF YOUR HANDS,

IT WOULD JUST HELP," AND HE GOES,

"OH, I'LL TAKE THAT UNDER CONSIDERATION, YEAH."

AND HE GOES, "NO, NO, I'M JUST BRAINSTORMING AND THROWING--"

AND MEANWHILE, WE'RE IN THE BACK LIKE,

"HELP US!"

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE WE'RE FLYING AROUND.

I'M GARFIELD ON THE WINDOW, LIKE...

LITTLE HELMET ON.

THIS KID CAME UP TO ME AT THE IMPROV

OVER HERE IN HOLLYWOOD, AND HE'S LIKE, "HEY, JOE DIRT."

HE'S ALL WASTED, YOU KNOW.

AND I GO, "HEY, MAN."

AND HE GOES, "HEY." [groans]

AND I GO, "OH, HE SEEMS DRUNK."

AND I WAS NICE TO HIM BECAUSE I'M A...

NICE GUY.

IN REAL LIFE, I'M NOT--YOU KNOW, ON TV, I'M LIKE A HARD-ASS,

LIKE A TOUGH GUY, LIKE AN ATHLETE.

BUT IN REAL LIFE, I'M SUPER COOL.

SO I GO UP TO HIM, AND I GO, "HEY, DUDE, YOU SEEM WASTED."

AND HE GOES, "NO, I'VE ONLY HAD, LIKE, 40 DRINKS."

I GO, "WELL, THAT FEELS, LIKE, HIGH TO ME.

"BUT ALL BULLSHIT ASIDE, WHERE DO YOU LIVE?

GIVE ME YOUR KEYS. I'M TAKING YOU HOME."

HE GOES, "ALL RIGHT. I LIVE IN PASADENA."

I GO, "ALL RIGHT. STAY OFF THE 405.

TAKE THE SIDE STREETS."

[laughter and applause]

"HONESTLY, GO REALLY SLOW.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS."

THAT'S WHAT I DO.

FEEL FREE TO PULL OVER AND NAP.

THE COPS APPRECIATE IT IF YOU'RE TRYING...

YOU KNOW, I'VE FOUND.

'CAUSE I GIVE A FUCK, YOU KNOW?

THAT'S MY CRIME. I CARE ABOUT PEOPLE.

I DON'T KNOW.

NOW I'M THE BAD GUY 'CAUSE, LIKE...

OH. "HOUSEKEEPING"? IS THAT WHAT YOU SAID?

[high-pitched voice] HOUSEKEEPING?

[normal voice] YEAH. OH, YEAH.

WE KNOW THAT ONE.

[high-pitched voice] HOUSEKEEPING?

[normal voice] YOU WANT HAND JOB?

[laughs]

THAT CAME FROM...

ACTUALLY, "FAT GUY IN A LITTLE COAT" CAME FROM--

AT WORK, AT SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE,

WE SHARED AN OFFICE, AND I WOULD WRITE SKETCHES.

AND CHRIS AND I SHARED AN OFFICE,

AND HE WOULDN'T WRITE OR READ OR REALLY DO ANYTHING.

AND SO HE'D JUST STAND BEHIND ME AND BOTHER ME.

AND SO I'M TRYING TO WRITE SKETCHES.

AND HE'D STAND BEHIND ME AND GO, "DAVID, TURN AROUND."

I GO, "I'M BUSY. BEAT IT."

AND HE GOES, "NO, TURN AROUND.

I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING."

I GO, "IF THIS IS 'FAT GUY IN A LITTLE COAT' AGAIN,

"IT'S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE. I'M NOT LOOKING.

COME UP WITH SOME NEW SHIT."

HE GOES, "NO, NO. IT'S ALL NEW."

AND SO I TURN AROUND, AND HE'S GOT MY LEVI JACKET ON.

HE'S LIKE, "FAT GUY IN LITTLE COAT!

DON'T YOU QUIT ON IT!"

I WAS IN VEGAS RECENTLY.

I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE DRIVE OUT TO VEGAS.

IT'S NICE. IT'S A NICE 12-HOUR RIDE.

YEAH.

EVERYONE SAYS, "IT'S, LIKE, THREE HOURS."

I GO, "IT'S NEVER BEEN."

THEY GO, "IF YOU GO WHEN THERE'S NO TRAFFIC."

I GO, "WELL, WHO'S GOING ON CHRISTMAS EVE?"

LIKE, ANY OTHER TIME?

OH, YEAH, THEN IT'S REALLY BAD, YEAH.

I GO TO VE-- I SAW A LOT OF SHOWS.

I SAW STOMP.

HAVE YOU HEARD OF THIS ONE, WITH THE GARBAGE CANS?

[imitating percussion]

I DON'T WANT TO GIVE IT ALL AWAY, BUT IF YOU GET A CHANCE...

MY BUDDY'S A HIGH ROLLER.

HE GOES, "DUDE, I'M A HIGH ROLLER, MAN.

THEY KISS MY ASS OUT THERE." I GO, "OH, YEAH?"

HE GOES, "IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, YOU COME TO ME.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU. I'LL TELL THEM."

I GO, "I THINK I'LL DO ALL RIGHT."

HE GOES, "NO, THEY DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU.

"DUDE, I GAMBLE.

THAT'S THE NAME OF THE GAME OUT THERE."

I GO, "OH." I GO, "REALLY?"

HE GOES, "OH, DUDE, THEY FLY ME OUT THERE COMPED."

I GO, "HOLY SHIT.

THAT $89 FLIGHT ON SOUTHWEST, THEY COVER THAT?"

"YOU KNOW IT.

HOW ABOUT LIMO TO AND FRO THE AIRPORT WITH A SUNROOF?"

I GO, "THAT SIX-MINUTE RIDE? THEY COVER THAT TOO?"

HE GOES...

"HOW MUCH YOU DOWN?" HE GOES...

[sniffs] "ABOUT 90 GRAND."

I GO, "OH, SHIT. HOW DO THEY STAY ALIVE?

YOU GOT THOSE CASINOS BY THE BALLS, DUDE."

HE GOES, "GO TO THE BELLAGIO. IT'S ALL HOOKERS."

I GO, "WHO'S A HOOKER?"

HE GOES, "YOU CAN TELL."

I GO, "I CAN'T.

"THEY NEED TO HELP ME OUT WITH, LIKE, A NAME TAG

OR A SCRUNCHIE TO THE SIDE, YOU KNOW, ANYTHING."

ARE YOU A HOOKER? "NO, I'M YOUR WAITRESS."

OH, SHIT.

MY FRIEND SAID YOU MIGHT BE.

I STAYED AT THE MGM GRAND.

THAT'S TOO BIG.

MGM'S VERY BIG.

I WAS IN ROOM 412,212.

IT'S A NICE ROOM. IT'S GOT TWO BEDS.

SNAG IT IF YOU CAN.

BUT IT'S JUST--IT'S TOO MUCH, 'CAUSE I WAS IN THE BAR,

AND I CAN NEVER SCORE ON A GIRL BECAUSE I GO,

"HEY, WHY DON'T YOU COME TO MY ROOM AFTER?

"IF YOU GET A CHANCE,

"I'M IN ROOM 28765466115,

"UH, PI WITH A LINE OVER IT,

"INFINITY, INFINITUM.

"IT'S NOT EVEN HARD.

"YOU GO OUT. YOU TAKE A RIGHT.

"AND YOU GO TO THE FOURTH ELEVATOR.

"THAT'S THE ONLY HARD PART.

"YOU GO UP, AND THERE'S A SHUTTLE BUS.

"GET ON THAT, AND YOU GO

"TO WHAT FEELS LIKE A DIFFERENT BUILDING, OKAY?

"BECAUSE IT IS.

"AND YOU JUMP OUT,

"AND THERE'S A CATWALK, AND THERE'S A FEW CRANES.

"AND THEN YOU WALK.

"AND THEN THERE'S WHAT'S KNOWN AS A LAZY SUSAN.

"GO ON THAT, JUMP OFF.

"YOU GO RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT, LEFT, LEFT, LEFT,

"MILE-LONG HALLWAY-- IT SPIDERS, IF YOU WILL.

"GO 11:00, LIKE, THIS WAY.

"THEN GO ANOTHER MILE,

"SPIDERS, 5:00.

"HAIRPIN!

"GO THIS WAY.

"THEN THERE'S A CODE.

"BEEP, BOOP, BOP, BOOP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP.

"THOSE ARE THE NOISES. I DON'T KNOW THE NUMBERS.

"AND THEN IT'S SORT OF KITTY-CORNER ADJACENT,

"THE SECOND ONE.

"SAY IT BACK.

OH, YOU'RE NOT COMING."

I WENT TO THE TROPICANA.

IT'S GETTING A LITTLE GHETTO OVER THERE.

I WENT THERE IN THE SUMMER-- THE POOL, HANGING OUT.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S SORT OF A BUZZKILL?

WHEN SOMEBODY POOPS IN THE POOL.

THAT'S A TOUGH ONE.

POOPED IN THE POOL.

[chuckles] EVERYONE FREAKED OUT.

I WENT TO THE OTHER END. I DIDN'T WANT TO DEAL WITH IT.

IT'S GROSS.

EVERYONE'S SCREAMING. IT WAS, LIKE, BREAKING UP.

I WAS LIKE, "UM, I THINK I'LL GO THIS WAY, THANK YOU."

I ALMOST GOT OUT, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I'M A GERMAPHOBE.

CIRCUS CIRCUS BUILT A NEW TOWER,

AND IT'S CALLED CIRCUS CIRCUS CIRCUS.

AND THEN MY BUDDY GOES,

"YOU KNOW WHAT WE GOT COMING THERE IN 2018?"

I GO, "CIRCUS CIRCUS CIRCUS CIRCUS?"

AND HE GOES, "WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU THAT?"

I GO, "NOBODY."

AND HE GOES, "DID JIMMY FROM ACCOUNTING TELL YOU THAT?

"DID HE LEAK THAT?

'CAUSE THAT'S PRIVATE. THAT'S JUST BETWEEN US."

I GO, "I SWEAR TO GOD, I JUST GUESSED THAT."

HE GOES, "HOW COULD YOU GUESS THAT?

WE WENT THROUGH SO MANY NAMES BEFORE WE LANDED ON THAT."

I GO, "I THINK PEOPLE WILL BE ABLE TO GUESS THAT."

HE'S LIKE... [sighs]

"START FROM SCRATCH."

AND I GO, "WHERE'S ALL THE GIRLS?"

THEY GO, "GO TO THE POOL AT THE HARD ROCK."

I GO, "REALLY? I GO TO THE POOL AT THE HARD ROCK.

"IT'S 500 GUIDOS FROM JERSEY SHORE

AND ONE WAITRESS."

THIS ISN'T WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR.

AND ALL THE GUYS ARE, LIKE, WORKING OUT IN THE SHALLOW END.

LIKE... [grunting and mumbling]

"CAN I GET A LONG ISLAND ICED TEA?

OOH."

AND THEY'RE ALL PUTTING OIL ON EACH OTHER,

WHICH IS A LITTLE "G-A-Y" IF YOU ASK ME.

I MEAN, I KNOW THAT YOU CAN'T PUT OIL ON YOUR--

IF YOU'RE A GUY-- THERE'S SUNSCREEN.

THERE'S FOUR SQUARE INCHES ON YOUR BACK

YOU REALLY CAN'T GET TO.

IT'S LIKE...

GOD FORBID YOU ASK ONE OF YOUR GOOD BUDDIES TO DO IT FOR YOU

AND HELP YOU.

THEY'RE LIKE, "DUDE...

"YOU CAN GET THERE. COME ON, NOW.

"POP YOUR ARM OUT. I'LL POP IT RIGHT BACK IN.

"YEAH, BREAK IT.

"IT'S LESS GAY FOR ME TO DRIVE TO THE HOSPITAL

THAN TO RUB YOUR BACK."

AND IF YOU GET SOMEONE TO DO IT,

THEY'RE ON SUCH GAYDAR ALERT, THEY CAN'T EVEN RELAX.

THEY'RE LIKE, "DUDE, YOU CAN'T...

[sighs] YOU CAN'T BUR--OH."

[imitates lotion squirting]

[sighs, imitates lotion squirting]

"HERE WE GO, ON THREE."

[imitates lotion squirting] "ONE, TWO, THREE."

"GET OFF ME, DUDE! WE'RE NOT GOING OUT."

[chuckles]

SOME GUYS ARE CHEATING OUT THERE ON THEIR WIVES.

THIS DOES NOT LEAVE THIS ROOM.

SOME GUYS IN VEGAS... [mumbles]

GUYS IN VEGAS--

I SAW THESE GUYS IN THE BOOTH NEXT TO ME,

AND THE GIRLS ARE LIKE, "OH, WAIT. ARE YOU MARRIED?"

AND THIS IS THE GUYS' ANSWER. THEY GO...

[mumbling] "YEAH. YEAH."

THEY NEVER ANSWER LIKE THEIR WIFE WANTS 'EM TO.

"ARE YOU MARRIED?"

"AM I MARRIED?

AM I MARRIED? AM I MARR--"

IT'S NOT FUCKING A HARD QUESTION, DUDE.

IT'S REALLY A "YES" OR A "NO."

"AM I MARRIED?" THEY GO LIKE THIS...

[groaning] "YES!"

THAT'S NOT WHAT YOUR WIFE WANTS YOU TO SAY.

"I SAID YES. I TOLD HER YES.

I TELL EVERYONE, BABE."

TIGER WOODS HAS A NEW CHICK.

I DIDN'T THINK A CHICK WOULD FALL FOR--

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE I'M--

IT'S A BIT OF A BAGGAGE.

AND THE GIRL, LINDSEY VONN, WHO'S, LIKE, A SEXY SKIER,

AND SHE'S GOT TO SELL THAT TO HER FRIENDS.

THAT'S A TOUGH SELL.

"WELL, I FOUND MR. RIGHT.

HE'S MY ROCK. HE'S MY GUY. 143."

THEY'RE LIKE, "WHO?" SHE'S LIKE, "TIGER."

THEY'RE LIKE, "HUH?

TIGER... TIGER WOODS?"

YEAH, IT'S EITHER TIGER WOODS OR AN ACTUAL TIGER.

THERE'S NOT A LOT OF 'EM.

THEY'RE LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, LINDSEY.

"ONCE A CHEATER, THEY CHANGE OVERNIGHT.

"GOOD CALL. GO WITH YOUR GUT.

"GO WITH YOUR HUNCH ON THIS ONE.

SMART MOVE."

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, THIS GUY HAD WHAT, 27 MISTRESSES?

AND THESE ARE THE ONES WE HEARD ABOUT.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S GOT TO BE ONE OR TWO

THAT DON'T WANT TO GO ON CNN AND PROCLAIM TO THE WORLD

THEY'RE A TOTAL WHORE-- YOU KNOW, ONE OR TWO.

SO LET'S ROUND IT UP TO 30.

I DON'T LIKE THE MID-LEVEL ONES, LIKE 16.

COMES OUT ON A SLOW NEWS DAY.

"TIGER WHACKED OFF ON MY FEET."

REALLY?

WELL, THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU LOOK TOO GREAT EITHER, HONEY.

SO WHY DON'T YOU STEP BACK INTO THE WOODWORK?

LIKE, WHY ARE YOU VOLUNTEERING THIS?

IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT

ON YOUR GOOGLE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, HONESTLY?

HEY, I GOOGLED YOUR MOM.

NO.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

WELL, I GUESS HER AND TIGER. HMM?

WELL, THEY WERE IN LOVE.

OH, YEAH. NO, I DIDN'T READ THAT PART.

POOR LINDSEY VONN. SHE'S JUST, LIKE, ON HIS ASS.

SHE'S GOT TO BE.

YOU SEE AT HIM AT THE MASTERS.

SHE'S ON THE PUTTING GREEN WITH HIM.

"HEY, BABE.

"THIS ONE'S A TOUGH ONE. OH.

"IT'S GONNA BREAK RIGHT.

"I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE CLINGY GIRLS.

"I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE NOT ACTIVELY FUCKING A GIRL

"RIGHT NOW DURING THE TOURNAMENT.

"I'LL WORRY ABOUT TONIGHT LATER.

"BUT I'LL BE WAY BACK HERE BY THE SAND TRAP.

"YOU WON'T EVEN KNOW I'M HERE. SAND TRAP.

SHH. QUIET. HE'S PUTTING. SHH."

YOU KNOW WHAT SHE'S LIKE?

SHE'S LIKE, IN SCHOOL, WHEN YOU HAVE THAT KOALA BEAR

YOU STICK ON YOUR PENCIL, LIKE...

"LINDSEY, GIVE ME SOME ROOM. I'M CHIPPING."

"HEY. PINCH YOUR BACK."

"[groans] WHERE ARE WE HAVING DINNER?"

'CAUSE GUYS CHEAT, AND IT SUCKS.

AND GUYS SAY, "OH, YOU KNOW..."

AND GIRLS ARE ALWAYS LIKE,

"OH, MY GOD. HIS WIFE IS SO PRETTY."

IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER. THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

IT'S LIKE THAT OLD SAYING,

"OH, YOU CAN'T HAVE FILET MIGNON EVERY NIGHT."

IT'S TRUE.

ONCE IN A WHILE, YOU WANT A HAMBURGER FROM WENDY'S.

THAT'S SORT OF TRUE, RIGHT?

YOU WANT A GREASY, DIRTY, WHORE-Y, SLUTTY...

CHEESEBURGER FROM WENDY'S WITH MAYO ALL OVER HER FACE.

AND...

HONESTLY, JUST ONCE IN A WHILE.

AND THEN WHEN YOU FINISH, YOU CRUMPLE UP THE BAG,

AND YOU FEEL GUILTY AND DRIVE HOME.

AND ABOUT TWICE A YEAR, YOU WANT A HOT DOG.

BUT YOU DON'T TELL ANYONE.

[groans, laughter]

NO ONE SAID THIS WAS GONNA BE EASY BREEZY TONIGHT, GUYS...

NOBODY.

I DATE THESE GIRLS,

AND THIS IS THE BIGGEST THING I GET.

"I NEVER DATE REALLY GOOD-LOOKING GUYS.

I'VE ALWAYS JUST GONE OUT WITH GUYS LIKE YOU."

I GO...

AND THEY DON'T STOP.

"NO, NO, WHAT I MEAN IS...

"EVERYBODY LIKES JOHNNY DEPP AND BRAD PITT

"AND THOSE TYPE OF GUYS.

I'VE ALWAYS GONE OUT WITH GUYS LIKE YOU."

I GO, "I GET IT.

"I DON'T SEE THE FUCKING COMPLIMENT

ANYWHERE IN THE VICINITY."

"I DON'T LIKE GUYS WITH REALLY BIG WIENERS.

"I DON'T. IT HURTS. IT'S SORE.

"I THINK ABOUT IT ALL WEEK. I TELL MY FRIENDS.

"I CAN'T SLEEP. IT'S ALWAYS ON MY MIND.

"I LIKE YOURS. I CAN RELAX.

"I DON'T FEEL A THING.

"I CAN SORT OF FIGURE OUT MY WEEK IN MY HEAD.

"I CAN TEXT PEOPLE.

"IT NEVER CROSSES MY MIND AGAIN.

"I NEVER TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT.

I FORGET ABOUT IT UNTIL THE NEXT TIME WE HAVE SEX."

I GO, "WELL, THAT'S COOL. THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S A GOOD QUALITY."

BY THE WAY, WHEN YOU'RE A GIRL AND YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY,

DON'T EVER GO, "YOU DON'T WANT A BIG DICK."

I'VE HAD THAT, UNPROVOKED.

HEY, WAIT TILL I ASK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER, ALL RIGHT?

"YOU DON'T."

FUCK THAT.

"YOURS IS FINE."

IT'S LIKE, SLOW MOTION.

[slowly] "IT'S FINE."

WHO WANTS FINE, GUYS?

"LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT? IT DOES THE JOB.

"WHEN YOU'RE A SWIMMER, YOU TOUCH THE WALL AND COME BACK.

"THAT'S ENOUGH. THAT'S ALL YOU NEED.

WHY DO YOU NEED MORE?" I GO, "'CAUSE IT'S GREAT."

I WENT SKIING. IT'S FREEZING.

BY THE WAY, IT'S FR--

THIS IS THE ONE NIGHT IT'S FREEZING OUT.

I WENT SKIING LAST YEAR, AND I'M PROBABLY GONNA GO AGAIN.

I'M NEVER ANY GOOD. I SKI...

I SNOW PLOW.

I SKI LIKE I'M CONSTANTLY LOOKING FOR A CONTACT LENS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I'M LIKE THIS.

EVERYBODY, SHH!

I ALWAYS WANT TO GO DOWN THE GREEN RUNS,

THE EASY ONES, YOU KNOW?

SO I TELL MY FRIENDS, BUT THEY'RE ALL IN A GROUP,

AND THEY WANT TO GO DOWN TOGETHER,

BUT I TRY TO TALK 'EM INTO IT.

I GO, "GUYS, I THINK EVERYBODY--

"I FEEL LIKE WE SHOULD START ON POP TART.

LET'S GO DOWN THAT."

AND THEY GO, "NO, WE'RE GOING DOWN DEVIL'S BALL SACK."

I GO, "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

"THAT ONE SEEMS HARD.

"RIGHT THERE...

"IF WE GO DOWN MOTHER GOOSE,

"IT SORT OF GOES INTO PEEK-A-BOO

"AND THEN DOWN TO PILLOW TOWN,

"WHICH FEELS TRICKY AND CHALLENGING

BUT NOT OVERWHELMING."

AND THEY GO, "NOPE, HITLER'S ABORTION--

HERE WE GO, TWO BY TWO."

I GO, "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO."

[laughter and applause]

"GUYS, THERE--"

AND THEN I'M ON MY OWN, AND I GOT THE SKIS ON.

I'M TRYING TO WALK UP, LIKE, A ONE-INCH HILL.

I'M LIKE...

THESE MUSCLES I NEVER USE.

THEN YOU GET A LITTLE CROOKED. [hisses]

NO, I WANT TO GO THAT WAY.

TRY TO GO IN THE SNACK BAR, I HAVE TO POP THOSE OFF.

IT'S EVEN WORSE. I'VE GOT THE BOOTS ON.

KOOSH! KOOSH! KOOSH! KOOSH! KOOSH! KOOSH!

KOOSH! KOOSH! KOOSH! KOOSH!

I MEAN, CAN WE DO SOMETHING?

THEY HAVE NOT CHANGED THIS DESIGN IN 50 YEARS.

LITERALLY--EVEN ON THE MOON, THEY ROUND 'EM OFF A LITTLE BIT.

THIS IS TWO CINDER BLOCKS FROM MY ATTIC.

CAN WE GET NIKE INVOLVED?

I'M, LIKE, TRYING TO GET A DRINK.

I'M LIKE... [imitates soda spraying]

AH! ACL TORN. OH!

WERE YOU SKIING?

NO, I WAS GETTING A MR. PIBB.

OH, IT WAS BAD.

I GET HURT EASY.

I'M A TOTAL PUSS.

I HAD A HERNIA.

DON'T FREAK OUT. EVERYTHING'S OKAY, BUT, UM...

I KNOW. IT SUCKS.

IT'S REALLY SUPER SEXY TO TALK ABOUT.

GIRL'S LIKE...

YOU'RE LIKE...

NO, WHAT HAPPENED WAS-- FIRST OF ALL,

IF YOU GO TO THE DOCTOR, IF YOU'RE A GUY

AND YOU HAVE TO DO ANYTHING AT THE DOCTOR,

THEY ALWAYS CHECK OUT YOUR WIENER.

AND IT'S A DRAG, BECAUSE IF YOU'RE A DUDE,

YOU DON'T WANT IT GETTING LOOKED AT

'CAUSE IT NEVER REALLY SHOWS WELL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKE AN OPEN HOU--

IT'S NOT GOOD, AND ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE LAYING DOWN,

YOU DON'T WANT THAT BIRD-IN-A-NEST LOOK.

THAT'S UNATTRACTIVE.

SO I'M ALWAYS TRYING TO GO--

LIKE, GET SOME FLUFFAGE GOING. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, I WANT TO SLAP IT AROUND, LIKE, THREE PAGES OF HUSTLER.

NOTHING TOO CRAZY.

JUST GET A COUPLE CCs OF PLASMA DOWN THERE.

I DON'T WANT A FULL ROD. THAT'S THE WRONG MESSAGE.

BUT I WANT TO GET--

BECAUSE I JUST DON'T WANT THE DOCTOR TO GO,

"HEY, PERFECT HEALTH, EXCEPT FOR THAT TINY COCK.

ALL RIGHT, LET ME HAND THAT IN TO THE INTERNET."

SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO,

BECAUSE I KNOW IF IT'S A TWO-HOUR EXAM,

LIKE, IT'S COMING OUT AT SOME POINT,

AND I CAN'T HOLD IT IN FOR A LITTLE BIT.

I DON'T--IT'S SO STRESSFUL.

SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. THERE'S JUST NO PLAN.

AND THEN I GET IN THERE, AND I'M FREAKING OUT.

RIGHT AWAY, HE GOES, "ALL RIGHT, DROP YOUR PANTS."

I GO, "HEY! W-WHOA! WHOA! WAIT A SECOND. LET'S TALK."

LIKE, I TURN INTO A CHICK. YOU KNOW, I GIVE HIM THAT ONE.

I GO, "HEY, WHAT'S UP? LIKE, RELAX."

AND THEN I'M SPINNING.

I'M LIKE... [breathing heavily]

AND THEN, I GO, "OH, MY GOD. WHO'D BRING A PARAKEET IN HERE?"

AND HE LOOKS AWAY, AND I GO...

GO! GO! GO! NOW! NOW! NOW!

AND HE'S LIKE, "OH, THAT'S NOT TOO BAD."

I GO, "OH, THAT'S JUST ALL DAY, DUDE...

24-7, MAN."

HE SEES ME OVER THERE BANGING A DRAWER.

[laughing] SOME LIFE.

'CAUSE I WENT TO THE DOCTOR AFTER I DID A MOVIE,

AND I WAS, LIKE--

THE DAY I GOT HOME, I GO, "I FEEL SO WEIRD AND SORE."

AND SO I GO TO THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE.

AND HE'S GOT A NURSE IN THERE.

THIS IS THE OTHER TRICK, GUYS. DON'T LET THAT HAPPEN.

SO HE GOES, "DROP YOUR PANTS." I GO, "HEY, BEAT IT."

FIRST THING YOU DO-- TELL HER TO SCRAM, YOU KNOW.

I GO, "THIS AIN'T THE MAGIC MIKE SHOW.

"GET OUT OF HERE.

I DON'T NEED TWO WITNESSES."

SO SHE LEAVES, AND I'M LIKE...

AND THE GUY'S LIKE, "MM. YOU GOT A HERNIA HERE.

MM, HERNIA HERE."

THEN HE GRABS MY BALLS AND GOES, "WANT TO GET SOME SUSHI LATER?"

I'M LIKE, "NO, I ACTUALLY ALREADY ATE.

THAT'S WEIRD."

AND SO HE GOES, "YOU GOT TO GO RIGHT IN

AND GET AN OPERATION."

I GO...

SO I GO IN AND GET AN OPERATION.

THEN THEY GIVE YOU ALL THESE RULES.

THINGS YOU DO IN AN OPERATION, DON'T DO--

LIKE, NORMAL ONES,

LIKE DON'T TAKE ASPIRIN, DON'T DO THIS.

AND THEN IT SAYS, "NO PETS ALLOWED IN THE O.R."

OH, REALLY?

OH, I'M SURE YOU DON'T MEAN MY RACCOON, RANDY.

AH, HE'S A BIT OF A CHEWER. HE WON'T BOTHER ANYONE.

WHO'S BRINGING PETS IN?

YOU KNOW SOME OLD LADY'S GOT HER DOG.

SO I GO IN THERE,

AND THE ANESTHESIOLOGIST IS PUTTING ME UNDER.

AND I GO, "HEY, IF I LIVE,

I'LL GIVE YOU A GOOD RECOMMENDATION ON YELP."

AND HE GOES...

SO...

BY THE WAY, I'M UNDER FOR FOUR HOURS.

IT DOESN'T TAKE THAT LONG.

AND THEY HAVE TO SHAVE YOU, WHICH IS SO HORRIBLE

BECAUSE YOU GOT THOSE RALPHS LIGHTS IN THERE.

YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST SO BRIGHT.

AND THEN, YOU KNOW, THEY'RE, LIKE, MOVING MY WIENER AROUND

WITH SALAD TONGS.

AND IT'S JUST SO DISGUSTING.

THERE'S A COUPLE GUYS FROM TMZ.

I'M GOING UNDER, I'M LIKE, "WAIT. IS THAT GUY..." YOU KNOW.

YOU GUYS-- WHO'S NOT TAKING A PICTURE?

YOU KNOW, THEY GOT, LIKE, ME AND MY DICK, LIKE, SELFIES.

LIKE, "OH, THE GUY FROM GROWN UPS' DICK."

'CAUSE YOU HAVE NO CONTROL. FOUR HOURS--

THE OPERATION'S A HALF HOUR, AND THE REST OF IT

IS THEM, LIKE, PARTYING AROUND MY WEINER.

AND I WAKE UP.

I'M LIKE, "AH, I DON'T THINK I NEEDED A FULL BRAZILIAN, GUYS,

BUT THANKS."

AND I GET UP, AND I'M SO OUT OF IT.

I'M LIKE, "OH."

AND THE NURSE GOES, "WE HAVE TO GIVE YOU A CATHETER."

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW WHAT A CATHETER IS.

IF YOU GET A CHANCE, GRAB ONE.

IT'S FUN.

WHAT IT IS, IS...

THEY TAKE-- YOU KNOW WHAT A SLIM JIM IS?

THEY JAM IT INTO YOUR WEINER, FOR SOME REASON.

I DON'T WHAT IT DOES, BUT THEY JUST START--

IT DOESN'T FIT, BY THE WAY. [chuckles]

SO THEY RAM IT, AND THEY GET TWO GUYS FROM GAME OF THRONES.

EVERYONE'S SMASHING IT IN--

BECAUSE IT'S SO HORRIBLY PAINFUL.

AND I GO TO THE NURSE, "HEY, BITCH.

"I WAS ASLEEP FOR FOUR HOURS.

WHY DIDN'T YOU DO IT 30 SECONDS AGO?"

WAKE UP! WAKE UP FOR THE MOST PAINFUL THING

YOU'LL EVER FEEL IN YOUR LIFE.

I'M LIKE, "WHERE WERE YOU?"

YOU'RE FUCKING READING US MAGAZINE

FOR THE LAST HOUR I'M OUT.

THEN YOU GO, "OH, HE'S UP. OKAY."

[shouts]

THEN SHE GOES, "DON'T YOU WORRY."

I GO, "THIS IS SO GROSS."

SHE GOES, "I'LL STRAP IT TO YOUR LEG."

I GO LIKE, "OH, LIKE I'M IN YOUNG GUNS?"

I'M LIKE, "CHING, CHING."

"IS THAT PISS ON YOUR LEG?" UH-HUH.

[imitates squirting, flatulence]

SQUIRT.

GIRLS GO, "I WENT TO THE GYNO. THAT'S EVEN WORSE."

LIKE, THAT IS WORSE, YOU KNOW, FOR THEM.

FOR A GIRL, IT'S WEIRD. IT'S VERY INVASIVE.

AND SHE GOES, "OH, THEY WERE TRAINING A GUY LAST WEEK.

THAT'S SO HORRIBLE."

I GO, "ARE YOU SURE THEY WERE TRAINING A GUY?

"YOU SURE IT WASN'T

THE GUY'S BUDDY IN FROM COLLEGE FOR THE WEEK?"

HEY, STEVE, THROW ON A LAB COAT.

YOU GOT TO SEE WHAT I DO ALL DAY.

COME HERE.

CHECK THIS OUT. THIS IS SO FUNNY.

LOOK AT IT.

DUDE, LIKE, WITH THE LIGHTS ON, IT'S HILARIOUS.

ISN'T THAT FUNNY?

[imitates thud, whistles]

ISN'T THAT GREAT?

GET IN THERE. SHE DOESN'T CARE. YOU DON'T CARE, DO YOU?

THIS GUY'S A DOCTOR FROM DOCTOR PLACE.

AWESOME.

I SAW MY MOM LAST WEEK FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

I DON'T KNOW WHEN THIS IS GONNA AIR.

I SAW MY MOM THREE MONTHS AGO FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

CLOSE.

NO, THE FUNNY PART IS, LIKE,

SHE WANTS TO GO TO COSTCO.

LIKE, I GO, "HEY, MOM. WHAT'S GOING ON?"

SHE GOES, "YOU KNOW, NEXT CHRISTMAS,

LET'S GO TO COSTCO."

I GO, "LET'S PENCIL IT IN. LET'S NOT COMMIT."

BECAUSE SHE'S PLANNING TWO YEARS AHEAD.

BUT SHE LOVES IT. I GO, "MOM, THIS ISN'T LIKE 7-ELEVEN.

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO EVERY DAY.

"YOU KNOW, YOU NEED TO GO, LIKE,

IF THERE'S AN EARTHQUAKE OR ARMAGEDDON."

BUT SHE GOES EVERY SINGLE DAY,

AND SHE PUSHES THAT CART, LIKE, THAT U-HAUL THING.

AND IT'S SO EMBARRASSING, 'CAUSE I'M WITH HER,

AND I'VE NEVER SEEN HER LIKE THIS, AND IT'S SO HORRIBLE.

SHE'S YELLING ACROSS THE STORE.

"DAVEY, 1,000 SHRIMP FOR A DOLLAR!"

I GO, "1,000 SHRIMP FOR A DOLLAR?"

SHE GOES, "I KNOW. IT SAYS 'NOT FROM OCEAN.'

I DON'T KNOW. THROW IT IN."

I GO, "NOT FROM OCEAN?"

"I DON'T KNOW.

DAVEY, CHECK OUT THIS SWEATER. IT'S MADE OF PLASHMERE."

I GO, "PLASHM-- WHAT'S THAT?"

AND SHE GOES, "I DON'T KNOW. IT'S SOFT.

IT'S A V-NECK. IT'S NICE."

I GO, "NO, WHAT IS IT MADE OUT OF?"

SHE GOES, "COSTCO MATERIAL."

I GO, "NO, MOM.

"THIS IS LIKE SOYLENT GREEN.

NO ONE'S ASKING QUESTIONS. I DON'T LIKE THIS."

SHE GOES, "OH, DON'T GET ALL HOLLYWOOD ON ME."

THAT'S HER BURN WHEN I'M A DICK.

AND I DON'T REALLY EVEN KNOW WHAT IT MEANS,

BUT I KNOW I SHOULD SHUT UP.

IT'S SUCH A GOOD ONE. IT REALLY SHUTS ME DOWN.

BECAUSE AT EASTER LAST YEAR,

SHE GOT ALL THESE DEVILED EGGS FROM THERE,

AND THEN THEY'RE ON BLACK PLASTIC DIVOTS

WITH PLASTIC ON TOP

AND A BIG, FAT, YOU KNOW, RECEIPT.

SHE PUTS IT DOWN.

SHE GOES, "OKAY, PEOPLE ARE COMING OVER."

AND I GO, "MOM, ARE YOU JUST GONNA LEAVE IT LIKE THAT?"

I GO, "HERE'S WHAT YOU DO.

"YOU GOT TO TAKE THEM OUT OF THE DIVOTS

"AND PUT 'EM ON A PLATE,

"AND THEN MAYBE SOMEONE WILL THINK YOU MADE 'EM

"AND YOU DIDN'T GET 'EM IN COSTCO,

AND THEY WON'T BARF THEIR FUCKING GUTS OUT."

AND SHE GOES, "OH, DON'T GET ALL HOLLYWOOD ON ME."

I GO...

"OKAY, JUST TAKE THE PLASTIC OFF THE TOP, THEN, ALL RIGHT?

"JUST THE PRICE TAG AND THE PLASTIC

AND JUST LEAVE THE REST."

SHE GOES, "OH, MY GOD, THAT'S SUCH A GREAT IDEA, SHOWBIZ."

SO NOW I'M IN THE DOGHOUSE.

SO NOW I DON'T TALK 'CAUSE I KNOW SHE'S MAD AT ME.

SO CHRISTMAS COMES AROUND.

NOW, WE LIVE IN SCOTTSDALE, ARIZONA.

NOW, FOUR HOURS UP IS SHOW LOW.

AND IT'S WHERE THERE'S SNOW AND EVERYTHING,

AND NO ONE KNOWS THAT.

BUT SHE LIVES THERE FOR NO REASON,

BECAUSE IT IS THE CRYSTAL METH CAPITAL OF ARIZONA.

NOW, I DON'T THINK SHE'S DIRECTLY INVOLVED.

I THINK SHE'S, LIKE, A MIDDLEMAN,

YOU KNOW, LIKE ONE OF THESE.

LIKE, "NAH, JUST GIVE IT TO HIM.

I'LL TAKE A LITTLE OFF THE TOP," YOU KNOW.

BECAUSE SHE'S NOT A DEALER. THERE'S NO WAY.

BUT I KNOW SHE'S INVOLVED.

SO SHE'S UP THERE, AND SHE GOES,

"DAVEY, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BIG CHRISTMAS IN SHOW LOW.

ISN'T THAT GREAT NEWS?"

AND I'M LIKE...

IT'S NOT, BUT I GO, "OH, YEAH, IT'LL BE GREAT."

SO I'M DRIVING UP THERE.

I'M TWO HOURS INTO THE TRIP. I CALL HER.

I GO, "HEY, MOM. OKAY, THIS IS WEIRD.

LIKE, "YOU HAVE A TWO-BEDROOM PLACE,

SO WHERE IS EVERYONE STAYING?"

SHE GOES, "ANDY AND KATIE GET THE BIG ROOM,

AND BRIAN GETS THE OTHER ROOM."

I GO, "WHAT ABOUT DAVEY?"

SHE GOES, "OH, I THINK

I'M GONNA HAVE YOU STAY AT THE NEIGHBOR'S."

SWEAR TO GOD.

I GO, "WAIT.

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I STAY AT THE NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE,

LIKE, SOMEBODY-- I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THEY ARE?"

SHE GOES, "DAVEY, WHEN DID YOU GET LIKE THIS?"

AND I GO, "WHAT? LIKE WHAT?

I DON'T-- I THINK THAT'S WEIRD."

I GO, "I CAN'T TELL.

"LIKE, I'VE NEVER BEEN IN A MOVIE OR A TV SHOW.

"I THINK IT'S WEIRD.

"I DON'T KNOW, MOM. I THINK IT'S FUCKED UP.

I DON'T WANT TO DO IT."

SHE GOES, "OH, YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE!"

SO I STAYED AT THE GODDAMN NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE...

FOR REAL.

CHRISTMAS EVE COMES AROUND,

SO I CALL AND SAY, "HEY, MOM.

"CAN I COME OVER TO THE MAIN HOUSE

FOR CHRISTMAS EVE DINNER?"

AND SHE GOES, "NOT WITH THAT ATTITUDE."

AND I GO, "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

SO I GO OVER, AND WE HAVE EGGNOG,

AND I OPEN A PRESENT, AND WE ALL HANG OUT.

IT'S FUN, FUN, FUN.

AND THEN SHE GOES, "OH, LET'S GO TO BED.

I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW."

SLAM, SLAM, SLAM-- EVERY DOOR.

AND I'M SITTING THERE GOING, "IT'S 7:15."

I GO, "ARE PEOPLE GOING TO BED NOW?

"LIKE, HOW DO YOU GO TO BED AT 7:15?

IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?"

AND SO I GO, "MOM, WHAT DO I DO?"

AND SHE GOES...

AND I GO, "THE NEIGHBOR'S?"

[imitates wind whooshing]

CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH.

AND THE NEIGHBOR, SUPER HAMMERED, WAITS LIKE THIS.

[groans]

HE KEEPS CRUNCHING UP BUD LIGHT CANS AND GOING,

"TWO."

AND THEY GO, CLINK, CLINK, CLINK BY THE GARBAGE CAN.

AND THERE'S, LIKE, 50 OF 'EM.

LIKE, I WANT TO SAY, "THAT'S LIKE BASKETBALL.

LIKE, IT GOES IN," BUT HE DOESN'T GET IT.

HE JUST KEEPS SAYING, "TWO," AND THEN THEY DON'T GO IN.

THAT'S THE LEAST OF MY PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW, RIGHT?

SO HE'S LIKE THIS.

AND HE GOES--I JUST STAND THERE IN DEAD SILENCE.

AND HE GOES, "I HEARD YOU D-DATED A LOT OF PRETTY GIRLS."

I GO, "WHAT? NO, NO, THEY JUST-- THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY."

AND HE GOES, "EH.

I DON'T CARE TOO MUCH FOR THEM ANYWAY."

WEIRD. I GO, "OH, COOL, COOL.

"HEY, OH, MY GOD. I'M GONNA CALL IT QUITS.

"OH, SHIT. IS IT 7:40 ALREADY?

"I THINK I'M GONNA... [whistles]

WRAP IT UP AND... [clicks tongue] HIT THE SACK."

AND HE GOES, "HEY!

"LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN A CRICK. [sniffs]

I'LL COME CHECK ON YOU."

YOU'LL COME CHECK ON ME?

AM I 4 1/2?

JESUS.

MY MOM DID HAVE A DOG NAMED PRINCESS

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID.

I LIKED THAT, 'CAUSE MY MOM HAS TWO DOGS NOW,

AND THEY'RE FINE, BUT WHEN YOU GET OLDER--

AND MY MOM, SHE JUST HAS THESE TWO DOGS.

THEY TRAVEL EVERYWHERE WITH HER, AND IT'S CUTE.

BUT IT'S SORT OF, LIKE, RIDICULOUS AFTER A WHILE.

LIKE, EVERYWHERE.

AND THEN EVEN I GO, "MOM, YOU WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE?"

SHE GOES, "OH, I CAN'T LEAVE THESE DOGS FOR TWO HOURS."

I GO, "THAT'S FUNNY.

"YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS A KID,

"YOU USED TO LEAVE ME FOR EIGHT HOURS A DAY

"WHEN YOU WENT TO WORK,

"AND NO ONE SEEMED TO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT.

I'M PEOPLE."

WE HAD A DOG, PRINCESS, THAT WAS SO CUTE--

THIS BEAUTIFUL DOG,

GERMAN SHEPHERD, WHITE SHEPHERD,

PRANCING AROUND THE BACKYARD.

THE PROBLEM IS, I MEAN, YES, SHE'S SINGLE.

BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW IT WORKS IN THE DOG WORLD,

'CAUSE THERE'S THIS RATTY DOG NEXT DOOR NAMED SHECKY.

AND IT WAS ALL BURNT PATCHES, SORT OF A MIXED DOG,

NOT A FULL GERMAN SHEPHERD, AND, LIKE, BURN MARKS.

NO EXPLANATION.

AND IT WOULD SCRAPE OVER THE SIX-FOOT WALL,

OVER THE PYRACANTHAS,

AND JUMP OVER AND START BANGING THE SHIT OUT OF PRINCESS

ALL THE TIME.

HEY, HOW'S IT GOING? [humming]

HEY, NICE DAY.

AND, YOU KNOW, PRINCESS IS LIKE THIS.

[whimpers] LIKE, SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

SHE'S LOOKING AT ME LIKE, "CAN SOMEONE INTRODUCE ME?"

BECAUSE THERE'S NO COURTING PROCESS.

IT'S NOT SUPER ROMANTIC. I PROMISE YOU.

AND THEN I'M SITTING AGAINST THE GLASS, LIKE...

[groans]

'CAUSE IT'S SUCH A WEIRD PHENOMENON.

AND THEN SHECKY SCRAMS.

AND THEN, LIKE, IT'S FOURTH OF JULY,

AND EVERYONE'S THERE AND PRINCESS IS LIKE...

AND HERE COMES GODDAMN HORN DOG SHECKY OVER THE WALL...

[imitates scraping] OVER THE PYRACANTHAS.

BANG! HEY, HAPPY NEW YEAR.

HEY, FOURTH OF JULY. WHAT'S HAPPENING?

WHOO! BOTTLE ROCKETS.

LET'S DO THIS.

FIST BUMPS ALL AROUND.

[imitates firework exploding and whistling]

YEAH. COLESLAW. YOU KNOW--

AND PRINCESS IS LIKE, "UM, GUYS, ANYBODY WANT TO STOP THIS?

"THIS ISN'T EVEN DATE RAPE. THIS IS RAPE RAPE.

"I DON'T KNOW THIS DOG.

"IT'S LIKE A FRIEND OF A FRIEND.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING. IT HAPPENS EVERY SINGLE DAY.

NO ONE'S REPORTING IT."

SHECKY'S LIKE,

"YEAH, NOT A BAD WAY TO SPEND THE FOURTH, HUH? WHAT'S UP?"

AND THEN PRINCESS GOT PREGNANT,

AND SHECKY DIDN'T COME AROUND TOO OFTEN.

TYPICAL.

SHE HAD, MM, 13 PUPPIES. [laughs]

13 PUPPIES...

NO SIGN OF SHECKY.

AND THEN, LIKE, THREE MONTHS LATER, HE TROTS BY.

AND HE'S LIKE,

"HEY. PRINCESS, RIGHT?"

SHE'S LIKE, "YEAH."

"WHERE YOU BEEN? I'VE BEEN FUCKING--"

SHE'S LIKE, "OH, I'VE JUST BEEN IN THE YARD

THAT I'M NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE MY ENTIRE LIFE, JUST HERE."

"OH, COOL, COOL.

WE GOT TO MEET UP. LET'S DO SOMETHING."

SHE'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, WELL, LET ME KNOW."

I'M LIKE... [gasps] "PRINCESS!"

SHE, LIKE, WAS BACK INTO IT.

[chuckles]

IT'S SO STUPID.

AND THERE'S A LOT OF--

I WENT TO A STRIP CLUB THE-- I'M JUST GONNA TELL YOU THIS.

I'M ONLY TELLING YOU ABOUT THIS STRIP CLUB

BECAUSE IF I TALK ABOUT IT IN MY ACT, IT'S A WRITE-OFF.

I WENT TO THIS PLACE...

I JUST WANT TO GET MY 90 GRAND BACK.

[cheers and applause]

NO, I WENT TO THIS STRIP CLUB.

IT WAS CALLED CHEETAHS OR CHEETOS.

NO, NOT CHEETOS, CHEETAHS.

AND I MAKE IT RAIN.

YOU KNOW ME. I'M LIKE A RAPPER.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

PEW, PEW, PEW! PEW, PEW, PEW!

THESE GUYS, THESE RAPPERS-- THEY MAKE IT RAIN,

AND THEY THINK THEY'RE SO COOL.

THEY'RE, LIKE, SINGLES. YOU KNOW, THEY GOT THE ONES.

THEY GOT A HEFTY BAG FULL OF ONE'S.

WHAT IS THAT, $180?

THAT'S NOT BIG A DEAL, YOU KNOW.

BUT THEY'RE, LIKE, INSTAGRAMMING,

LIKE, "MM, ON THE WAY TO THE CLUB."

YOU KNOW.

SO I'VE REALIZED

IT'S SORT OF EMBARRASSING FOR THE GIRLS

BECAUSE IT'S A LITTLE UNDIGNIFIED.

NOW, THE STRIPPERS-- THEY GET A LOT OF MONEY.

IT'S RAINING, OBVIOUSLY, ON THEM.

BUT THEY'VE GOT--

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN ONLY HOLD "X" AMOUNT OF DOLLARS

IN YOUR HAND LIKE THIS.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE, "GRR."

AND THEN THERE'S, LIKE, HOW MANY IN THAT LITTLE STRAP THERE.

AND THE REST IS ON THE GROUND.

SO, AT THE END OF THE SONG, IT'S ALL SEXY.

THEN IT GETS WEIRD WHEN THEY GOT TO GET DOWN

ON THEIR KNEES, LIKE... [groans]

SCRAPE, SCRAPE, SCRAPE.

MELISSA, GIVE ME A SECOND!

SCRAPE.

THEN THEY GOT A DUSTBUSTER.

[imitates DustBuster whirring]

I FEEL WEIRD WHEN I GO BECAUSE THEY'RE NAKED SO FA--

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

YOU KNOW, YOU GROW UP, YOU DATE GIRLS,

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "AH..."

AND WEEKS GO BY, THE CLOTHES COME OFF.

THIS IS 15 SECONDS, FULLY NUDE.

AND IT JUST JARS YOU.

YOU'RE EITHER ONE WAY.

YOU'RE EITHER THE AWKWARD GUY, WHICH I AM, WHERE I GO...

[chuckles awkwardly]

"WHOA! BIRTHDAY SUIT. [chuckles]

"THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL IT. YEAH.

"NO, THESE ARE MY FRIENDS. NO, WE'RE JUST CHILLING.

"IT'S ALL COOL. IT'S ALL GOOD IN THE HOOD.

"YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

"NO, WE'RE JUST PARTYING. BAH, BAH, BAH.

THAT'S WHERE BABIES COME FROM."

YOU KNOW, THEY DON'T LIKE THAT.

OR YOU'RE THE QUIET PSYCHO.

MM-HMM.

[sniffing]

MM-HMM.

NICE.

OKAY, STEP AWAY FROM--

NOT ALL MODELS IN THE OLD STRIP CLUBS EITHER.

NO.

THERE'S SOME ROUGH TRADE RUNNING AROUND.

OH, SOME DINGED-UP SHIT.

YEAH.

NOT EVERYONE'S GETTING LAID EITHER.

UNLESS YOU'RE THE ONE GUY WITH A KILO OF COKE

AND A BABYSITTER, IT'S NOT HAPPENING,

HONESTLY.

[chuckles]

THIS GIRL COMES UP TO ME. SHE GOES...

"YOU WANT A DANCE?"

I GO, "TABLE DANCE? WHAT'S THAT?"

I PLAY DUMB, YOU KNOW. IT'S SO SMART.

I GO, "WHAT'S THAT?"

AND SHE GOES, "WELL, DJ PLAYS A SONG.

"I STRIP OFF ALL MY CLOTHES.

END OF THE SONG, YOU GIVE ME 20 BUCKS."

I GO... [inhales deeply]

"I DON'T KNOW."

"I MEAN, THAT FEELS LIKE A LOT.

"IT'S JUST...

"RIGHT NOW THERE'S A RECESSION.

OKAY, I'LL DO IT."

SHE DOESN'T EVEN BITE ON THAT. SHE'S LIKE, "MM-HMM."

SO I GO, "RIGHT."

AND SHE'S LIKE... [clicks tongue]

AND THE GUY'S LIKE...

* THIS LOVE IS TAKING ITS TOLL ON ME *

* YOU SAID GOOD-BYE

* TOO MANY TIMES BEFORE

* AHA, IT'S BREAKING IN FRONT OF ME *

* I HAVE NO CHOICE

* AND I DON'T SAY GOO-- *

I GO, "WHAT'S GOING ON?" AND SHE GOES...

I GO, "THAT'S-- THE SONG CAME UNPLUGGED.

THEY DIDN'T--" SHE'S LIKE...

I GO, "NO, THERE'S AN ELECTRICAL STORM,

"MAYBE AN EARTHQUAKE OR--

"OH, MY GOD. IS THAT HOW THEY GET YOU?

"THEY DON'T PLAY THE WHOLE-- OH, MY GOD.

"OH, THAT'S GOOD.

"OH, YOU GOT ME. YOU GOT ME.

"ASSHOLE.

"YOU DID IT. YOU GOT ANOTHER GUY.

"STUPID. IT WORKED. HEY, YOU TRICKED ME.

"GOOD JOB. THERE'S YOUR 20.

GO HIGH-FIVE ALL YOUR STRIPPER BUDDIES."

SHE GOES, "YOU WANT ANOTHER DANCE?"

I GO... [laughs mockingly]

"THIS BITCH WANTS TO--

YEAH, I'LL TAKE ONE MORE."

SO SAD.

PATHETIC.

[clicks tongue, humming AC/DC's Back in Black]

*

"WHAT, THAT'S THE SONG?

"YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET TO THE FUCKING WORDS YET.

GOD DAMN IT. ONE MORE."

THIS IS WHY I'M BROKE.

ACTUALLY, HERE'S ONE TRICK YOU CAN DO.

WHEN I WAS DOING TOMMY BOY IN TORONTO, CHRIS WOULD--

WE'D GO--THIS YOU CAN DO TO YOUR FRIENDS.

HE WOULD GO TO THE STRIP CLUB,

AND HE'D FIND ME THE ROUGHEST, RATTIEST, GROSSEST STRIPPER,

AND HE'D BUY ME TEN TABLE DANCES IN A ROW FROM HER.

AND IT'S SO HORRIBLE BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO.

YOU HAVE TO RIDE IT OUT. IT'S TOO MEAN.

SO I'M STUCK WITH THIS-- POPS OUT OF THE BACK.

[Canadian accent] "HOW'S IT GOING?

"HEY, YOUR FRIEND BOUGHT YOU TEN DANCES.

"THAT'S A REAL GOOD GUY. YEAH, I TELL YOU WHAT.

"I DON'T GIVE TOO MANY DANCES NO MORE.

"I'M IN A BIT OF A FORCED RETIREMENT.

"OH, I GOT MY BUM LEG. THAT'S MOSTLY 'CAUSE OF SNOW.

"OOH, I'LL FEEL THIS ONE TOMORROW.

"I SHOULD'VE STRETCHED.

"I NEED TO KEEP THAT PREDNISONE IN MY SYSTEM.

"OH, BOY! I'M GONNA PULL A HAMMER.

"HEY, WE'RE GONNA PLAY RIHANNA AND ALL THE POP HITS.

"WE'RE GONNA HAVE A REAL NICE HOUR 20,

"YEAH, COURTESY OF YOUR BUDDY.

"OH, YOU KNOW THIS ONE.

"I GOT THE FLU A LITTLE BIT. YOU CAN'T CATCH IT.

"IT'S THE FIRST DAY.

"HEY, LET'S DO THIS.

"I'M GONNA DIG MY HEELS INTO THE SHAG.

"I WANT TO MAKE SURE I GET MY BEAVER

"UP THERE IN YOUR GRILL REAL GOOD.

MY KID LOVES JOE DIRT."

"OH, HOW OLD IS HE?"

"HE'S 47."

"HOLY SHIT. THAT'S HIGHER THAN I THOUGHT YOU'D SAY."

HEY, YOU GUYS, THANKS FOR COMING OUT.

I'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME.

BYE-BYE. THANK YOU.

[cheers and applause]