Original subtitles

Chris, hurry up. Here he comes.

I'm ready for him.

No time to talk. I gotta run.

- I'm going to need a... -Paper?

- Oh, yeah. Also a... -Coffee.

- Oh, thanks. And a... -Cigarette.

Oh, hmm. Mmm-mmm-mmm.

I love Wednesdays. It's so peaceful.

Yeah, I wish he'd give lectures at the hospital

-every morning. -Mmm. I'll be right back.

Okay, I'm going to take a look at your toilet.

Why? There's nothing wrong with it.

Well, I was trying to be polite. I've gotta take a leak.

Be right there.

Oh!

It's not what it looks like.

Uh, I guess I'll have to take your word for that.

Oh, you're blind. Oh, sorry.

No, I-l just meant that I was in your way.

I was just trying to leave.

Oh, well, let me get the door for you.

Oh, thanks, fella. Have a good one.

Hey, you, too. Have a nice day.

What a nice guy.

I can't believe it. $346 gone.

Wow.

Kind of irresponsible, don't you think?

I mean, leaving the register alone...

Shut up, Bob!

Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm just...

I'm really upset about the robbery.

That's all right.

Still, kind of irresponsible, don't you think?

- Shut up, Bob! -You know, Chris is right.

It's not her fault. It's my fault.

I can't believe I let that guy just walk right past me.

No, no, no, it's okay, Jake.

How could you know? And besides, it's done.

No use getting all upset over it now.

Gee, Chris, under the circumstances,

you're being awfully calm.

I took a Xanax the size of your head.

All righfy,

let's go over the facts of the case one more time.

Oatmeal, hot cakes, side of bacon...

Oops, wrong pad.

So, you say you were in the can when this happened?

That's right, Officer.

I was nowhere near the crime scene.

I was just in there.

Believe me, it's a crime scene.

You were in the back?

So that means you were the only one

out here with the robber?

That's right.

Ladies and gentlemen, our eyewitness.

So, you're in your newsstand, he enters...

Actually, uh, I was coming in as he was leaving.

So he passed you on the way out?

Well, not exactly. He, uh, bumped into me.

Did he say anything?

"Thank you."

For what?

Holding the door open for him.

You held the door for him?

It-it-it's okay, Jake. You didn't know.

Did you say anything?

Um, just, uh...

"Have a nice day."

Aw, man!

Why didn't you just drive him to the bank

and make the deposit for him?

You know, if the hospital is going to invite me

to lecture students, the least they can do is pay for parking.

A buck-fifty every 20 minutes.

I never talked so fast in my life.

Wh-Wh-Where are my cigarettes?

The diner was robbed.

They cleaned out the register.

- You're kidding me! -Yeah.

I had half a pack in there.

John, I lost $346!

Where'd you get that kind of money?

Who'd you rob?

I had a good day yesterday.

Let's get to the crappy one

you're having today, all right, ma'am?

Oh, yeah, look who it is. I remember you.

Yeah, and-and I remember you.

Sissy doctor who got shot at the gay bar.

Near the gay bar.

Potato, tomato...

I knew it.

What, you think I'm gay?

No, no, it just makes sense

that someone would have shot you by now.

Oh... thanks very much.

What happened, anyway? Someone break in?

No, the diner was open. I was in the back.

And I was in the can.

So no one was watching my cigarettes?

I was here, but, you know,

I guess that really doesn't count.

You were in here with the guy? What happened?

You're gonna love this.

He held the door for him

and told him to have a nice day.

Aw, man!

Oh, no, will you guys leave him alone?

He feels bad enough he let the guy

just waltz out of here with all my money.

But it's okay, Jake. Really.

Well, at least you know you're looking for a smoker.

Mmm. Check for yellow fingers and a raspy cough.

And I remember the guy had a Bronx accent.

Well, there you go.

That, a set of fingerprints and a signed confession--

I think we got this guy.

All righty-roo!

I think I got everything I need to go on.

So you think you can catch him?

No, no, it's just an expression cops use

to get out of the room. See you, folks.

Ugh, I can't believe this happened.

I can't believe I let this happen.

Well, m-maybe it's a... a good sign.

H ow?

Well, clearly this is the last place

anyone would want to rob,

so maybe they're finally finished.

You know, no more crime in New York.

I mean, what could be after this

on the list of places to rob?

Oh, dear God, my apartment!

Mr. Connelly, what's bothering you?

I think I have a rash.

There's an itching and a burning

and, uh, maybe some swelling.

All righty, let's take a look.

Well, it's not in a good place.

Never is.

It's under, uh... it's under my, uh...

Yeah, unfortunately, there's nothing I haven't seen before.

So, just take your pants off and let's get this over with.

It's actually above the waist.

- All right, so take your shirt off. -Higher.

Yeah, I charge by the minute. You want to go again?

So you have a rash and you're bald, huh?

Hi.

I'm Cliff, Capricorn Sales.

- I'm Linda, Capricorn rising.

Can I help you?

Uh, I'm here to have lunch with Dr. Becker.

Really? Why?

Can I help you?

Oh, thanks, Margaret. That'd be great.

Uh, hi. I'm Cliff Bennett with Capricorn Sales.

I'm here to take Dr. Becker to lunch.

Really? Why?

Could you just tell the doctor I'm here?

Are you sure you didn't get your dates mixed up?

Because you're not in my book.

- Is that your handwriting? -Yes, it is.

And I would know if the doctor had a lunch...

You know, handwriting says a lot about a person.

Oh, really? What does mine say?

That you're sweet and stylish.

Where do you see that?

Right there... in your I's.

Wha... what else do you see?

Oh, that you're also fun-loving and adventurous

and a little forgetful...

when it comes to writing down appointments.

Well, I do love fun.

Well, it looks like you're allergic to toupee glue.

I think I'd go topless for a few weeks if I were you.

Out of the question. I need my hair.

I can't make a living without it.

Let me guess, what, male model?

No, I'm in real estate.

My picture's on bus benches all over town.

Oh... right, right.

I've been sitting on your face for years.

Ha... I'll be damned.

- John? -Yeah?

There's a Cliff Bennett from Capricorn Sales

-here to have lunch with you. -Oh...

Yeah, no, not that salesman. Just get rid of him.

Last time I went out with one of those guys,

I-I bought 500 monogrammed reflex hammers.

Yeah, I remember that Christmas.

Look, I need my toupee. I'm a businessman.

People trust me with hair.

Nobody trusts you. You sell real estate.

Oh, come on, Dr. Becker, nobody knows I wear a toupee.

- Well... -John, you're off the hook.

I'm having lunch with him.

Fine. Just don't buy anything.

I've been wanting to do this for years.

It's all set up, Chris.

This security camera should keep you safe.

All right, thanks a lot, Bob.

Yeah... Where-where are the monitors?

Where-where are the wires here?

Oh, there aren't any. It's fake.

Well, what am I supposed to do,

hit people over the head with it?

You'd have to hit them pretty hard.

- It's made of cardboard. -Oh...

- Hi. - Hey.

Oh, is that the same kind of bogus camera

you put up in our building?

Nah, this one's a little more sophisticated.

It's got a silent alarm.

Hey, Jake. Where you been?

Just out. Had some thinking to do.

What's the matter, buddy?

Yeah, you seem kind of down.

I don't know, maybe it's the weather.

Or maybe it's the fact that I practically

high-fived the robber as he walked outwith your cash.

I get depressed when it rains.

With your life, it's the rain that gets to you?

I'm lucky that way.

Jake, it's okay. It is not your fault.

I mean, you don't understand.

I mean, when... when I get up in the morning,

I think of myself as just another guy.

You know, a guy with a job, who... who has friends,

who... who likes music, who goes out.

But every once in a while, something will happen

to remind me that what I am, before any of those things,

is blind.

I'm handicapped.

You don't know what that's like. I mean, even at my best, I'm...

I'm still less than everyone else.

- Jake, you know... -No, please, please.

Come on, just... just leave me alone.

Well, somebody's got to say something to him.

It would probably mean more coming from one of you,

since I don't know him that well.

- That's true. We are his best friends. -Yeah.

- Not it! -Oh...

All right.

Look, Jake,

this wallowing around in self-pity

makes me want to puke.

I think we sent in the wrong guy.

But since it's you, you know,

I guess I ought to think of something to say

to pick you up here.

Um...

Boy, I got nothing.

Uh, oh, wait, I... All right, listen, here. Hey.

What a... what about you and me going to a hockey game?

I'm really not feeling like it.

What-what is the matter with you? What...?

What?

You invite a blind guy to a hockey game?

What, so he can feel more lost, more ridiculous,

more out of the loop?

Well, actually, I love hockey.

No, no, please, please, you don't have

to try to make John feel less stupid.

I mean, my God!

Why don't you offer to take him to see the Grand Canyon

or-or the Painted Desert or see Paris

from the top of the Eiffel Tower?

You know, while you're at it,

why don't you ask him how he feels about the fact

that he'll never be able to look into his bride's eyes

on his wedding day,

or see the smile on the face of his firstborn child?

Oh, God!

See what you did?

Dr. Becker, Margaret's not back from lunch yet,

and I'm not tattling; I'm just worried.

Okay, I'm tattling a little.

Yeah, well, I'm worried.

She went out with that salesperson.

Oh, there you are.

Yeah, please tell me you didn't buy anything.

Oh, relax. Cliff didn't even try to sell me anything.

Oh, Cliff? So now you're on a first-name basis?

Oh, he was perfectly charming!

He took me to this cute little Italian place.

We had a glass of wine, we talked.

It was like visiting with an old friend.

Margaret, you're blushing... I think.

- Did he hit on you? -No.

Well, his-his hand may have brushed against mine

when I passed him the salt,

but I don't think he was hitting on me.

If you ask me,

I think he wanted the salt and a little sugar.

Oh, come on. He was just trying to make a sale.

- How do you know? -Because I know these guys.

They'd hit on a stapler if it could place an order.

They-they lie, they sweet-talk you,

they say anything they have to

until you give them all your money.

Fine, John. He wasn't hitting on me.

He was just trying to make a sale.

I mean, God forbid after 20 years of marriage

somebody should pay me a compliment,

like they like my blouse or they find me charming.

As a matter of fact, I married Lewis

just so I could never hear another compliment again.

- I liked your blouse yesterday. -Aah!

You're kidding me. The one with the poodles?

Oh, I thought they were clouds. Never mind.

You know, John, I'm-I'm really not in the mood for hockey.

I think I'll just call a cab and go home.

Oh, come on. At least fake a little enthusiasm.

I really put myself out here.

Oh, yeah, I forgot. It's all about you.

If it were about me, I wouldn't be here with you.

Come on, man. Let's have some fun.

Excuse me. Would you pass the relish?

Thanks, fella. Have a good one.

Oh, my God, that-that voice.

- That was him. -Who?

The guy you just passed the relish to,

that's the guy that robbed Chris.

- How do you know? -Because that's what

he said to me at the diner.

"Pass the relish"?

No. He said, "Thanks, fella. Have a good one."

There are, like, a million people in New York.

What are the odds of running into the right guy?

Hey, listen, John, I know it may sound crazy,

but I could pick his voice out anywhere.

Believe me, John, I recognize people by their accents,

inflection, speech patterns.

All right, all right, let's say it's him.

What do you want me to do?

Well, get a cop.

There aren't any around.

Well then, make a citizen's arrest.

A citizen's arrest?

What do you think this is, a movie?

That's not real.

Please, John, don't let him get away, all right?

Listen, this is my last chance to make things right.

The-the... People get away with crimes every day.

Can't he be one of them?

Please.

Oh, all right.

Excuse me.

Hey, you want this?

Oh, yeah, thanks.

Um, look, I know this is going to sound a little odd,

but I-l need to... I need to arrest you.

What?

Yeah, yeah. You're-you're under arrest.

You a COP?

No, I'm a doctor.

Well, I feel fine, so get away from me.

Look, help me out here, will you?

This is a little awkward.

You're under arrest for robbing a diner in the Bronx.

What? I didn't rob any diner.

Yeah, you did!

My friend here says he recognizes you.

The blind guy?

All right, so he can't see.

But he heard you say... What did... what did you...?

You said, "Thanks, fella. Have a good one."

Yeah, that. See, that's the proof.

Now, I'm just going to have to hold you here

until I can find a cop.

Oh, and by the way, whatever you say

can and will be held against you.

Oh, yeah? Up yours.

Yeah, like that. See, that's gonna be held against you.

Yeah? Get out of my way.

No, hey, I'm serious. Come back here!

- Hey, hey, hey! -Hey, hey, hey! Whoa, whoa!

Hey, hey, hey!

What's your problem here, buddy? Huh, pal?

- Jake? -You want to...

Do you want to start something, huh?

Fine, let's start something.

Hey! Hey!

Police! Police!

Jake, help me out here, will you?

So, like any good citizen,

you know, I-l apprehended the guy.

Now, I don't like to use the word "hero," you know,

but if other people think it's appropriate, you know,

what am I going to do about it?

Dr. Becker, what I don't understand is,

if this guy was so much bigger than you,

how did you wrestle him to the ground?

Well, Linda, you-you'd be surprised

how much strength you have when you really need it.

Where are we going to get the strength

to listen to that story again?

Hello, Margaret.

Hello, Cliff.

Hi, there. How are you today?

Linda, go make coffee.

I already made coffee.

Then go drink it.

Can I help you?

Well, I had such a good time at lunch yesterday,

I thought maybe you'd like to join me again today.

Sorry. Busy.

Oh, well, o-okay.

May-Maybe tomorrow.

Because you mentioned you like Thai food, and I found

-a great Thai... -Oh, why don't you just save it

for someone who's actually gonna buy something from you?

Ex-Excuse me?

Oh, look, I know you were just being nice

so you could make a sale.

Well, that's not gonna happen.

Do you really think I would do that?

I mean, yes, I have to take clients to lunch

and be nice to them,

but when we were together yesterday,

that was the first time in a long time

that I actually forgot I had a job.

Well, let's say I do believe you,

that you weren't trying to make a sale.

Well, what was everything else?

I mean, what were all the compliments?

Margaret, you're a beautiful, charming, intelligent woman,

and I enjoyed spending time with you.

But you must hear that all the time.

Well, not all the time.

- Well, you should.

See? You're doing it again.

Are you hitting on me?

Hitting on you? No.

But only because you're married.

Yes, yes, I am.

I'm-I'm married to, uh...

Lewis.

Yes, Lewis.

Well, um, are you still too busy to have lunch?

I mean, just as friends?

Well, a girl's got to eat.

And if it makes you feel any better,

I'll even let you pay.

Oh, now, let's not get crazy.

Jake, it's just so amazing the way you were able

to pick that guy out by the sound of his voice.

Ah, thanks, Chris. You-you know what they say,

"You lose one sense, the other ones get stronger."

You're like a blind superhero.

Yeah, Stevie Wonder Man.

I can't wait to see the action figure.

You wind it up, and it walks through a plate-glass window.

Hey, Bob,

you have no idea what it took to bring this guy down.

You squirted mustard in his face.

Spicy mustard.

Yeah, the neighborhood's been getting a little rough.

I was going to get a stun gun,

but I think I'll just go to the market

-and get a jar of Grey Poupon. -Yeah.

Uh, you know what, I better get going.

I got to get to the cleaners before they close.

- Uh, hey, Jake? -Yeah.

The bank is right on your way.

Would you make this deposit for me?

Oh, well, yeah, I-I'd be glad to.

And your money's safe with me.

I'm not worried. I know it will be.

Uh, Jake, that's the...

The bathroom. Yes, I know.

The bank doesn't like it

when you pee in the night-deposit slot.

Afternoon, ladies.

Oh, geez.

Well, well, well.

Heard about your little citizen's arrest.

Glad you were safe and used a condiment.

Get it?

Ah, the hell with you people. That killed down at the station.

You know, maybe if you spent less time making jokes,

ordinary citizens wouldn't have to do your job.

Ooh, easy there, Nancy.

You'd have a better point if you'd caught the right guy.

What?

You "arrested" the wrong man.

You're lucky he didn't press charges.

We caught the right guy this morning

running out of a jewelry store down the street.

Whew, pretty tough customer.

We didn't have any mustard.

We brought him down with half a buttered bagel.

See you, folks.

Wow, you must feel ridiculous.

Hey, you know, eventually that guy

would have committed some crime.

I just... pre-arrested him, that's all.

Hey, was that Detective Borkow I heard?

Was he here to thank us?

Not exactly.

Actually, he wanted to...

Yeah, he-he wanted to, uh... uh, to thank you himself.

He came all the way down here

just to tell you how impressed he was with you.

- Really? -Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I am, too, buddy.

Hey, wow, thanks a lot. That-that means a lot to me.

All right, well, I'm off to the bank.

I'll see you later.

That was nice of you.

What?

The way you let Jake keep his pride.

No, no, no. I just didn't want

to hear him feeling sorry for himself again.

Trust me. I did it for myself.

No, no, no.

You did it for him.

You're a good friend.

Following Jake to the bank?

Yeah. He'll never know I'm there.