Original subtitles

Thanks. Come again.

Okeydokey.

What's next?

- Chris? -Yeah.

L-I don't... I don't quite know

how to put this, but, um...

well, you know, we're together all the time,

and there's-there's something that you do

that really gets on my nerves.

Oh, I'm sorry. What is it?

Uh, you know what? Forget about it.

- It's my problem. -Oh.

- Okeydokey. -That's it.

- What's it? -"0keydokey."

Do I say that?

Oh, yeah, you do, yeah. And it drives me crazy.

I mean, it's like the way people say "anywho."

Oh.

It's that bad?

- Well, it is to me. -Oh.

Well, l-I'll try not to say it anymore.

- Thanks.

You know, Jake, I-I'm glad you felt

comfortable enough to tell me what you did,

because that thing you do with the spoon on the coffee cup,

-it really bothers me. -What thing?

Well, after you stir your coffee,

you tap the spoon on the cup.

Yeah, well, that's to get the coffee off the spoon.

- Yeah, I understand that. -Then what's the problem?

Well, it's just that that sound it makes,

it-it just goes through me like a knife.

Oh.

That's certainly easy enough to fix.

- Yeah, thank you. -Okeydokey.

Just kidding.

Hey, Chris.

Jake, how you doing, buddy?

Wow, you're in a good mood.

What happened, you find a nickel on the sidewalk?

Ha, ha. Better.

Brand-new pack of cigarettes on the subway grate.

Homeless guy was reaching for it,

but I was too quick for him.

So... so you outraced a guy who hadn't eaten in days?

Yeah, well, I like to stay in shape.

- Hey, everybody- -Hey.

Great, there you are. You know,

I've been calling you for a week.

When are you going to come upstairs and snake out my drain?

I'll get to it, Becker.

Right now I've got more important things on my mind.

Bob's gonna be a dad!

Yet you need a license to sell real estate.

What happened, Bob? Did you get some girl pregnant?

No, I went to my family reunion.

That doesn't answer the question.

I meant that seeing

all my nieces and nephews running around

made me feel like it was time I had a kid of my own.

Wait a minute. Did... didn't you once tell us you had kids?

Oh, yeah, I kind of made them up.

You made up having kids?

Well, I wanted to get into

that Parents Without Partners group, you know?

I thought it'd be a good place to meet lonely, desperate women.

I've also pretended to be an alcoholic,

a gambler and an overeater.

What about a sexoholic?

They got a group?

- Hey, Bob. - Yeah?

You know, to get a kid, don't you sort of need a-a wife?

Or at least some woman who will let you touch her?

I don't know, that's a tall order, Becker.

- I'm kind of in a hurry. -Oh.

Maybe I can be artificially inseminated.

Does that work?

I hope not.

Bob, having a child is sort of a big deal.

Why don't you check out Big Brothers

or look into becoming a foster parent?

Oh, come on, what would Bob possibly teach a child

besides burping the alphabet backwards?

That's a lot harder than you think.

It's not that hard.

Well, it isn't.

Hey, listen, by the way, Becker, I got a lot to teach a kid.

I mean, I can pass on all my knowledge,

my expertise, my experience,

so that maybe one day my child can accomplish

all the things I never got around to.

Oh, great, then, you know, 18 years from now,

your kid can come up and snake out my drain.

Hi, Margaret. I'm here for my appointment.

Oh, hi, Jim.

The doctor has your cholesterol results.

You can go on back to room one.

Okay. Thank you.

It is nice to see him doing so well.

Why? What was wrong with him?

Well, when Jim first came in,

he had a multiple personality disorder.

Two completely different people living inside of him.

That is so hot.

What was the other personality like?

Jerry? Ugh. Loud, obnoxious, rude, completely despicable.

Ooh, I'm getting chills.

Linda, why are you always attracted to the weird ones?

Come on, Margaret, imagine going to bed with one man

and having no idea who you're going to wake up with.

You do that now.

Anyway, none of that matters.

Dr. Becker referred Jim to a psychiatrist,

and now he is completely normal.

Oh. Normal.

- Hi, Dr. Becker. -Jim.

I got a riddle for you:

What's the difference between you and a pound of bacon?

Oh, well, you know, I'm-I'm not so good with riddles.

I like knock-knock jokes.

All right, all right.

- Fine. Knock-knock. -Who's there?

You have really high cholesterol, and you could die.

"You have really high cholesterol,

and you could die" who?

Enough playtime.

Now, look, I'm trying to lower your cholesterol.

You haven't taken those pills I prescribed, have you?

Well, I wanted to take the pills, but there's a problem.

All right, what's the problem?

It's the old problem. It's Jerry.

He's back.

Oh, no.

Not Jerry.

Is he, uh...

is Jerry in there right now?

Yeah, you know the deal.

You never know when he's gonna come out.

That guy is so obnoxious.

Yeah, whoo, try living with him.

I thought... I thought Dr. Geary gave you a new medication

that kept Jerry away.

Yeah, he did, but then Jerry hid the pills

before I could take them.

All right, all right, look,

this whole extra personality thing, that's up to Dr. Geary.

I'll call him and tell him what's going on.

But, you know, the high cholesterol,

I can help you with that,

but you're gonna need to meet me halfway.

Well, I'm doing my part. I mean, I don't touch red meat,

I eat a ton of vegetables, I exercise like crazy.

But then, on the way home from the gym,

Jerry the pig stops off for chili dogs.

Well... can't-can't you reason with him?

Doubtful.

We're not speaking.

All right, all right, look, is there any chance

that you can have Jerry come in and see me?

Well, I'll try, but just so you know...

he really hates you.

Well, that's all right.

You like me, and we can work together.

You know, two against one.

- Okay. -All right? I tell you what,

just get him in the car,

tell him you're taking him to a strip joint,

and then drop him off here.

Oh, okay.

But he's going to have to drive.

I lost my license.

Wham?

Jake, Chris, this is my kid, Scott.

- Hi. +m

I got him over at the Youth Center on Manning Avenue.

We have Chris to thank for getting us together.

I am so sorry.

Hey, you know, Chris was in the Army.

First, she served the country; now she's serving us.

That's called "irony."

It's not that funny.

Sounded funny.

And this is Jake.

You see that newsstand over there?

- Yeah. -Good.

'Cause he can't.

Shut up.

Okeydokey.

Now, let Jake be an inspiration to you.

If a blind guy can own a crummy business like that,

think how good you can do.

Eight times eight?

64?

They're like sponges at this age.

Anyway, we got a busy day, so can I get one black coffee

and one hot chocolate to go?

Actually, I'd like hot chocolate, too.

Make it two hot chocolates.

So, where are you off to first?

Oh, the public library, the Metropolitan Opera,

and then the Statue of Liberty.

- All in one day? -Hey,

I got a lot to teach this little rascal.

I've already missed the first ten years of his life.

I gotta make up for lost time.

- Eight times nine? -72.

Can't argue with that.

Before we leave,

can I go to the bathroom?

I don't know. "Can" you?

Oh, right. May I?

Of course.

Just remember to lava Ios manos.

That's Spanish for "remember to zip up."

Never underestimate the value of a bilingual education.

We live in an ever-changing world, my friend.

Is it my imagination,

or is he starting to look like me?

- Good afternoon, Jim. -Oh, please.

Would Jim have the guts to tell you how hot you look today?

Oh, God.

Jerry. I thought you were gone.

But not forgotten.

Hello, snowflake.

Hello.

Who might you be?

Her name is Linda, and she's seeing someone.

No, I'm not.

Sometimes Margaret thinks she's my mother.

But I never listen to my mother.

Yeah. I bet you'd listen to your daddy.

Okay. All right, that's it.

The doctor is waiting for you.

- I'll take him back. -Oh, no, you won't.

I'll take him back.

Oh, please, ladies, don't fight over me.

There's enough Jerry to go around, huh?

Oh, come on.

Just come on.

So... brown sugar, what's shaking?

Not much, Wonder Bread. How about you?

- John? -Huh?

In the off chance you were in a good mood,

Jerry is here.

Oh.

Boy, the years have not been kind to you.

Nice to see you again, Jerry.

Yeah, don't patronize me. What do you want?

Look, I, uh...

I talked to Jim this morning.

Yeah, I know.

Little whiner said something about high cholesterol.

The high cholesterol would be an improvement.

That gravy you've got coursing through your veins

is gonna kill you.

Hey, life will kill you, all right?

The point is to have a little fun before it does.

Yeah? You've heard of fun, haven't you?

It's what people have when you're not around.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

You do understand that if-if Jim dies, you die.

Now, I'm not voting. I'm just stating a fact.

Look, if you're really so concerned about us,

why don't you tell Jim

to stop hiding those pills you prescribed?

Well... no, he-he said that you hid them.

How could I hide 'em? I never even saw 'em.

Look, the lying little weasel's

scared to death of any medication, okay?

He keeps crying about the side effects.

So, wait a minute, wait a minute.

J-Jim's lying to me?

Oh, oh, you-you think?

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Look, Becker, I don't want to die, okay?

And you know me, I love pills.

Give me the pills. I'll take the whole bottle.

So if I give you the pills right now, you'll take them?

I will take them. But then, uh,

when Jim sees them, he'll just throw them all away.

All right, all right, all right, Jerry.

L-I guess I better talk to Jim.

Jim, are you in there? I need to talk to you.

It's Dr. Becker.

Do I look like Jim?!

Okay, now, let's review. What's this?

- A wrench. -What kind?

- A crescent. -Nine times six?

-54. -Correct.

And remember that, 'cause that's how much

a plumber can make an hour.

I'm not so sure I want to be a plumber.

Hey, it's good to have a trade to fall back on,

you know, in case you're not college material.

Don't do drugs.

Oh, finally, you got up here and fixed the drain, huh?

Well, you got it half right. I took it apart.

Becker, this is my kid, Scott.

Scott, this is the doctor I told you about.

- Yeah, hi, Scott. -Hi.

Look, Bob, I'm in the middle of a very difficult case.

I need to do some research.

Maybe you can come back some other time.

Becker, I told the kid all about you.

He's starved for role models.

I can see that.

Look, I'm serious. You know,

pack up your stuff and get out, please.

Come on, Becker, I want him to meet someone professional.

You're a doctor. You went to Harvard.

That's a big deal to a kid like this.

- Really? -Yeah.

Well, I guess I can take a few minutes

out of my busy day, the least I can do.

Boy, you really went to Harvard?

Yes, I did.

You know, Harvard is not that big a deal, Scott.

I mean, sure, it's the best school in the country,

and, yes, I had to be top of my class just to get in.

But you know something, if you work hard like I did,

I bet you can make it, too.

He's being modest, Scott.

He left out four years of medical school,

two years of residency

and a great career in research.

Let's not forget graduating summa cum laude.

Wow.

And after all that education and all that hard work,

you have to look at this man and ask yourself:

What the hell happened?

He had every advantage a person could have in life.

He should be in a penthouse on Park Avenue

sucking the fat out of rich people,

instead of living in a dump like this!

Thanks a lot, Becker. I really appreciate it.

- Three times nine? -27?

Close enough.

I hate the way you drum your fingers.

How annoying is that?

You want to talk about annoying?

How about the way you clear your throat?

As long as we're clearing things up,

I hate the way you answer the phone.

You say, "Yello." It's not "yello." It's "hello"!

Well, I hate the way you say "may-naise."

It's "may-o-nnaise." Quit saying it wrong.

Oh, yeah? May-naise.

- No, may-o-nnaise. -May-naise.

- May-o-nnaise. -May-naise.

- May-o-nnaise. May-naise.

- May-o-nnaise. -May-naise.

- May-o-nnaise. May... -May-naise.

May-o-nnaise!

Hi. I'm here to see the doctor.

Hi. You're Jim, right?

Yeah, I'm Jim Reynolds.

God, this is so hot.

I'm sorry. What's so hot?

The fact that you have no idea who I am.

You see, the other day, I met Jerry, and...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Jerry and I are two completely different people.

God, I'm tingling.

Do you ever play Canadian Doubles?

If you know what I mean.

I have no idea what that means,

but I hope that he wasn't too offensive.

He kind of was.

Hi, Margaret.

Jim?

How are you today?

Oh, good.

Why don't you just go on back to room one.

The doctor will be with you in a moment.

Okay. It was nice to meet you.

Bye, Jim.

Say hello to Jerry for me.

I can't tell you how exciting this is.

Linda, it's not exciting. It's sad.

What must have happened in that man's life

to get him to this point where he is so confused.

Don't question what works, Margaret.

Would you be attracted to him if he didn't have this problem?

No. I wouldn't really be attracted to either of them.

I mean, one's obnoxious, and one's just dull.

It's like a Mallomar.

I don't particularly like marshmallows or graham crackers,

but you smack them together, and then you got something.

Okay, who's here?

It's me, Jim.

Oh, good. Thanks for coming in.

Jerry left me a note... on the palm of my hand.

"Go see Becker, and tell him he's an..."

Well, there's-there's no call for that kind of language!

I know.

Look, Jerry and I had a little talk, you know.

He came in here, and he-he told me

that you hid the pills from him.

Wh...? He told you that?

That's ridiculous!

Well, he's lying.

All right, all right, fine.

Well, you know, now that we know

you're willing to take the pills, I've got an idea.

You know, why don't you come into the office

every morning and take one?

Jerry will never know.

Here, as a matter of fact,

why don't you take one right now?

- What, right now? -Yes, right now.

Well, okay, no problem.

Ah.

Oh, no, what are you doing? Jim, ah, come on.

I'm sorry, \ can't.

Do you know what kind of side effects these things have?

I mean, ulcers, internal bleeding, heart problems...

Yeah, they also cause irregular periods.

Are you worried about getting those, too?

Well, I am now!

Jim, I-I'm sorry. I-I'm way over my head here.

I'm gonna call Dr. Geary.

Hey!

Where the hell do you think you're going?!

Oh, no. Jerry?

Yeah! I told you the little twit was lying!

Come on, Jerry, h-how did you get here?

Who do you think drove him?

Unbelievable!

What a spectacular waste of time!

Hey, now, I'm not through talking to you!

You get back in here!

Why are you yelling at me?

Look, I told you I can't take the pills.

Did I tell you they can also cause loss of hair?

Oh, did... you know, just take the damn pills,

you crazy bastards!

--Oh, come on...

What are you doing? Now, don't do that.

Don't cry.

What, Jim? Jerry? Who am I talking to here?

My name is Stephanie,

and I'm this many years old.

Uh, all right, all right, I'm-I'm sorry, Stephanie.

Here, here, sit down.

Look, uh, I-l need a moment.

Are you going to be all right here all alone?

Yeah, like you're all alone.

- Are you okay, Dr. Becker? -No, I'm not okay.

They're driving me crazy.

Ooh, they're both in there?

- Oh, brother. -What's the matter?

Oh, it's getting a little crowded in room one.

What are you talking about?

Get Dr. Geary on the phone. We have a little problem.

Who's in there? Jim or Jerry?

Stephanie.

Who?

Jim and Jerry have had a child.

Dr. Becker, I went into room one and handled everything.

They'll be glad to take the pills.

How'd you do that?

Easy. I'm having tea with Jim on Friday

and going dancing with Jerry on Saturday.

But right now I have to take Stephanie to the zoo.

Hey, Jake. What are you doing eating over here?

Well, apparently, when I sprinkle salt on my food,

someone thinks it's too loud.

Okay.

Something going on between you two?

I'm over here because someone thinks

my voice is so shrill it could make a dog cry.

You know, you two are behaving like children,

which is something,

having recently had one of own, that Bob knows a little about.

So what you need to do is,

you need to find some common ground.

Find some little starting point

where the two of you can get together and...

- Shut up, Bob. -Shut up, Bob.

There it is.

Hey, look who's here!

Wait a minute.

Aren't you supposed to be in school?

L-I just came in to see if you have the money

you borrowed from me.

I need it for lunch.

Right, I forgot about that. Yeah.

Sorry, man. Here you go.

Oh, wasn't it two dollars?

Yeah, right, two bucks.

So, uh, you coming by after school today?

Depends.

Is there any chance we can go to the toy store?

What are you going to learn at the toy store?

There's no life lessons there.

I thought we'd take a tour of Wall Street.

You know, maybe see the Stock Exchange.

Then, after that, go to an art gallery...

Oh, come on, Bob!

"Come on," what?

Would you rather go to Ellis Island

and learn about your ancestors?

I don't want to learn about anything.

I want Rollerblades or a Game Boy.

What are you talking about, Scott?

That's what all the other kids got.

Okay, listen, here's how it works:

I act pitiful, you feel guilty, then I get something cool.

But I gave you something more valuable.

What?

I gave you quality time.

A hand to guide you through life.

The knowledge of knowing that you'll never be alone.

That Bob will always be here for you.

You suck!

You okay, Bob?

Kids.

They break your heart.

You work...

you sacrifice...

you give 'em the best you have to give, and...

then in the end, they kick you in the gut.

Bob, it was just two days.

Goes by so fast.

You know, Chris, I hate to say it, but, uh...

but I think Bob had a point.

I mean, we really do have to get along.

Yeah, you're right. I have been way too sensitive.

I don't even remember how all this started.

It was you saying "okeydokey."

Look, we like each other.

We just have to learn to deal with each other's

little idiosyncrasies.

I say "may-naise"; you say "mayonnaise."

Big deal.

- Yeah, exactly. Friends? -Yeah, friends.

Oh, good, good.

I see everything's calm here at the Mayo Clinic.

- Yeah . .. -Coffee, please.

We realized we were just being silly,

- so we just put that behind us. - Yeah.

It doesn't matter what anyone does.

We'll rise above it and not let anything annoy us.

- Uh-huh. -Well, good for you guys.

What?