Original subtitles

Good morning, everybody. I'm back. Did you miss me?

Yeah, like I miss that headache that I...

Oh, there it is again.

Very funny.

Yeah, just for that, I'm not going to tell you about

the greatest medical convention I've ever been to.

Thank you, baby Jesus.

- Yeah, I had a great time. -Oh... -Oh, no.

I usually don't like going to those things, you know,

dull speeches, same old tired slides

of cigarette-ravaged lungs.

This time, though, this time I met somebody; I had a ball.

- Met someone? -Mmm.

I thought you still had the hots for, uh...

I'm pointing at Chris.

Actually, uh, that's history.

She had her chance with me, and she blew it.

So, uh, who's this new girl?

What? Oh, uh... it's not a girl; it's a guy.

Wow, somehow, I thought when you came out of the closet,

it would be a much bigger deal.

Don't be an idiot; I'm not gay.

You say one thing, but your walk says another.

Tony and I met at a malpractice seminar.

He's a neurologist.

Ooh, a doctor!

Your family will be so proud,

once they get over the gay thing.

Yeah, it was so refreshing to finally meet someone

with whom I could have an intelligent conversation.

Well, well, look who's suddenly too good for the word "who."

Oh, you know something? You guys aren't worth it.

My fault for hanging out with a bunch of morons.

Huh... I never noticed the walk before.

That's nice for Becker.

Looks like he found what we have.

What do we have, Bob?

Friendship.

Oh, yeah, I guess we're friends. Yeah.

Well, what kind of friends? I mean, would you say

we're closer than John and that Tony guy?

- Well, they just met. -Well, that's my point.

I mean, if they're friends, then you and I

would have to be good friends.

I mean, maybe even best friends, right?

All right, you know, Bob, if that'll set you up, fine.

- We're best friends. -Okay.

There's only one thing left to do.

Come on, bring it in.

Bring what in?

All right, I'll bring it to you.

I gotta say, I didn't see this one coming.

Mrs. Katz, I think the best thing

for you to do is just go home

and try to make your husband as comfortable as possible.

Is there no hope at all?

No, I'm afraid not.

I don't think he has much longer to live.

Yes, it's about time!

Yeah, she also doesn't have much longer to live.

I'm so sorry. Please, please forgive us.

What the hell was that all about?

She's trying to win a radio contest on B100-FM.

Is that why I pay her?

You really want to tackle life's big questions now?

Hello? Am I on the air?

All right!

This is Linda from the Bronx,

and I'd like to give a shout-out to Mrs. Dorothy Johnson.

Your test came back; it's just a yeast infection.

Linda!

I'm multitasking.

Okay, I'm ready. What's the question?

"What war lasted 116 years?"

Oh, that's easy; the Hundred Years' War.

Shh! I'm on the phone.

Okay, okay, let's see.

World War I, that was one year...

The Hundred Years' War.

Okay, uh, World War ll, that was ten nights on HBO.

The Hundred Years' War.

Okay, okay!

I'll just guess.

The Hundred Years' War?

It is?

I just won $100!

I was drawing a total blank,

and then suddenly the answer just popped into my head!

Amazing.

Linda, could you please finish this in the back?

We've got patients.

Hold on.

Whoo! B100 rocks!

I can't believe that.

You give her the right answer, she gets a hundred bucks,

and not even so much as a thank you.

Oh, it's all right, John.

Let her have her moment in the sun.

I mean, what am I gonna do?

Go back there and ask her for the money?

Yeah, you're right, that'd be petty.

Although she did use my phone.

Oh, Linda! Linda?

Hey, Jake, how's my new best friend?

Oh, God.

Look, I changed all my personal records,

and you're now my emergency contact.

What, me? Wh-What about your mother?

You ever try getting CPR from someone with emphysema?

Bob, that's a big responsibility.

Plus, I don't know if I'll always be reachable...

Hey, way ahead of you.

That's why I got us these walkie-talkies.

This way, we'll always be in touch.

Pretty cool, huh? Check it out.

Come in, Jake, come in.

Get out, Bob, get out.

That's a good idea.

You know, they're supposed

to have a range of up to five miles.

Let's check it out.

That's a great idea.

Can you hear me now?

Yeah. Keep going.

I'll tell you when to stop.

Hey, Jake. What's going on?

I'm getting on the bus.

Hey lady, move your fat ass.

That's very impressive.

Can you do that while you drink a glass of water?

Hey, Tony. Sorry I'm late.

I got hung up with some patients.

Oh, no problem. Chris and I have been having a great time.

Yeah, so I see.

John, I can certainly see why

you enjoyed spending time with Tony.

On the other hand, Tony... I don't get it.

What a great sense of humor.

Not really.

You know what, I'm not going to have time for lunch.

I got to get back to the office, but, uh,

before I go, I think I'm going to ask Chris out.

Wait, wait, wait.

You and Chris?

Oh, no, no, no, that-that's a bad idea.

Why?

Well... she's just not your type.

Why not? Is she married? Got a boyfriend?

No, no, no, it's not...

Look, Tony, the truth is,

there's something going on here that you don't understand.

See, Chris is...

Don't tell me she's gay.

Well, it-it's really not my place to say.

Oh...

Wow, just my luck.

Hey, thanks for the heads-up. That could have been awkward.

No kidding.

Well, you know what, I really do have to go.

Listen, would you say good-bye to her for me?

- Sure. Yeah. -Okay.

Hey, listen, let's have some, uh, dinner later.

Great, yeah. Stop by my office.

Okay.

Where did Tony go?

- He had to leave. -Hmm.

I, uh... I kind of like him. What's his story?

Tony's gay-

Oh. Damn.

The good ones are never available,

and the other ones are... you.

Hey, Linda, I had to come by and tell you,

I heard that "Hundred Years' War" thing.

Were you, like, a history major?

Or are you just one of those people

who knows a little bit about everything?

Well, I don't like to brag, Tracy, but what I do know,

I definitely know a little about.

Isn't it amazing

how she came up with that answer?

Not to me.

- Yes, may I help you? -Yeah.

Hi. Tony Holland, here to see Dr. Becker.

Oh, yes, Dr. Holland. You can go on back.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you know what war lasted 116 years?

Actually, I didn't until this morning

when I heard this brilliant girl on the radio...

Oh, just go on back.

Hey, John, you ready to go?

Hey, Tony! You know, give me a second here, will you? Sit down.

I hired a new nurse

-in my office today, Sandy. -Yeah?

Turns out she's gay, too.

"Too"? Well, who else is gay?

Chris. You know, diner?

Oh, yeah, right, Chris. Yeah, yeah.

Some-sometimes I forget she's gay.

But I'm, uh... I'm real glad you remembered.

Although, you never know,

maybe I could be the one to turn her around.

What, turn her around? Oh, no, see,

that is exactly the kind of arrogant

stereotypical male thinking

that led to the oppression of gay women, you know.

As a matter of fact, all women.

Easy, John. I was kidding.

Oh, man, I'm sorry, I don't...

So, listen, where do you want to eat?

Well, uh, a new Hooter's opened up nearby.

Oh, God.

Hey, Jake, it's me, Bob.

I'm a block away from the diner.

You want to have lunch?

Uh... uh, Bob, I'm not at the diner.

I'm at Grand Central Station.

Great. I'll meet you under the clock.

Will do.

That'll buy me a couple hours.

Hey.

Can I have some coffee, please?

Yeah. I heard from your friend Tony.

Oh... Tony called you? What did he want?

Well, apparently, there's a nurse

in his office who just moved to New York,

and since I'm new in town,

he thought it would be nice if Sandy and I got together.

Oh, good.

Oh, wait.

Oh, uh... Sandy from Tony's off...

Uh, see, that... I think that's a bad idea.

Why? He said he thought we'd have a lot in common.

No, I-l think you should cancel.

No, I'm not gonna cancel. Sounds like a good time.

Chris, this is New York City.

You can't just go out drinking with strangers.

She works for your friend!

Tony? I hardly know him.

Now, what... what if this Sandy

turns out to be some sort of psycho killer?

No, you can't go.

What happens if I go?

You going to ground me?

All right, fine, go.

Yeah, but when you're sitting around her freezer

in nine different mason jars,

don't come crying to me!

Hey, Margaret, look.

I picked up my hundred dollars.

100 crisp one-dollar bills.

And you know what the best part is?

No. Why don't you tell me?

It's that I never knew I was so smart.

There I was, standing, on the phone,

the clock ticking, the pressure on,

and then all of a sudden the answer was just...

Oh, for God's sake, Linda!

I gave you that answer.

I was standing right behind you, and I said "Hundred Years' War."

And I got absolutely no credit for it.

Margaret, you did not give me that answer.

It was in the back of my head.

I was in the back of your head, which I'm about to be again.

Dr. Becker, Margaret thinks

she gave me the answer to that contest. Did she?

Of course she did.

She was standing right behind you

and said it like a hundred times.

Margaret, I'm sorry.

I thought I came up with it myself.

Excuse me.

Apparently, I have taken credit

where credit wasn't due.

Yesterday, when I won that contest,

Margaret gave me the answer.

All the congratulatory phone calls I received,

the pride that I felt in myself,

it was all based on nothing.

I know nothing.

I am nothing.

Here, this is yours.

Linda, wait.

Maybe...

Maybe we should share the money.

No, Margaret, that wouldn't be right.

I wasn't the smart one. You were.

Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Linda...

if I made you feel that way, I am so sorry.

Here, you keep all of it.

No, I don't deserve it.

Yes, you do.

You were the one who listened to the radio station.

You found out about that contest.

You took the initiative,

and you kept calling till you got through.

It was your moment, and I intruded.

I'm ashamed of myself.

Here, you keep it. I insist.

Might not have known the answer to that question,

but I was smart enough to keep this money.

What are you doing? We have patients waiting.

Oh, I'm just thinking about what I did.

What did you do?

Well... I may have let Tony think that Chris was gay,

and then let Chris think that Tony was gay,

and then Tony told his nurse, who actually is gay,

and then she asked Chris out on a date,

only Chris doesn't know it's a date.

Is that a big problem, or am I just overthinking it?

Do you live in a cartoon?

Hey, you know, I did this for all the right reasons.

I saw the two of them together,

and I felt, you know, threatened.

I thought Chris didn't want to have anything to do with you.

She doesn't. But if she ever does,

it won't help me to have Tony hanging around, will it?

Wait a minute.

Have-have Chris and this woman been out yet?

No, no.

Well, then you better figure out

how to undo it before Chris ends up in an embarrassing situation.

--Just tell her the truth.

No, wait, let's not be hasty here.

Wait, look, look. Wait, all right, wait, wait.

You see, I haven't thought this through,

but do you think it would help if I told him that I was gay?

Gay people have enough headaches; they don't need you.

Hey, Jake, I'm sorry I didn't show up at the train station,

but I left my walkie-talkie on the bus,

and I ended up chasing it all the way down to SoHo.

Can you forgive me?

Did you get the walkie-talkie back?

- No. -Then I forgive you.

But I think I found a way to make it up to you.

Check it out.

Sorry about that.

It's a T-shirt with your picture on it.

Oh, God.

And I got you one with my picture on it!

Oh, God.

I mean, you know, I'm not saying we gotta wear them together

or anything, 'cause that would be like...

- Scary? -Yeah, okay.

But, you know, maybe sometime at a ballgame...

Hey, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, look.

Let me tell you what I want to do.

I want to take our friendship to a whole new level.

Is this when I get to meet your parents?

No... all right, here's the thing about us, Bob.

You and I, we're-we're so close

that sometimes we don't need to speak.

Yeah... we know each other so well

that we can guess what the other is thinking.

We could go days, even weeks, without even saying hello.

But that wouldn't matter, you know why?

Because you and I, we'd know... that we're best friends.

You're blowing me off, aren't you?

See, you know what I'm thinking.

Wow.

That's pretty cold, Jake.

I mean...

I was just trying

to reach out for a little friendship, but...

if you don't want that, you know, it's fine.

All right, you're right, Bob, that was a little insensitive.

Why don't we start over?

- I don't know. -Oh, come on, Bob.

I really didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

Okay, I can't stay mad at you, right?

You're my best friend.

Come on, bring it in!

- Okay. -Bring it in!

- A little to the left. -Okay.

- A little more. -Yeah.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Ow!

Don't toy with my emotions again.

Hey, guys. ls Chris here?

- No. She left early. -Oh, where'd she go?

She went to the Century Bistro to meet some woman for drinks.

Tonight? That's happening tonight?

Oh, brother.

Well, too late for honesty now.

- What's going on? -Oh, it's a long story.

It's about Chris and some lesbian nurse.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! That's my favorite bedtime story.

I tell you, if they get together now, I'm screwed.

Oh, so you know how it ends.

Hey, Chris, is that you?

Ah, what a coincidence?

What are you doing here?

Well, I-l have a date, but I'm a little early,

and I, you know, happened to spot you,

and I thought it would be polite just to come over and say hello.

- Mm. -Oh, who's this?

Uh, John, this is Sandy.

Sandy, this is John, my stalker.

Ah. Quite-quite a sense of humor.

John Becker. Nice to meet you.

Hi.

You know, there... there's no space at the bar.

You mind if I wait with you?

Uh, no, no, no, I don't think...

Thank you. Thank you very much.

So, what have you two been talking about?

- Catch me up. - We were just...

getting to know each other.

You know, finding out what we have in common.

- Uh-huh. -I'm pleased to find out

that unlike many people I've met since coming to New York,

Sandy is very sane.

Ha! There it is again, that sense of humor.

--Oh! My God.

I am so sorry. I...

What is wrong with you?

Excuse me.

Oh, Sandy, I need to talk to you. Uh...

I'm not here by accident.

I'm the one who introduced Chris to Tony,

so I kind of feel responsible

about getting the two of you together.

Oh, well, thank you. She seems great.

Well, she's not.

She's a dishonest, deceitful person.

You saw how rude she was to me.

L-I think that that's because she knows

that I know her secret.

Her secret?

Yes, see-see... uh, she's in a... a relationship already.

See, she's here with you, cheating on her girlfriend.

Oh, no, I can't believe that.

Oh, no, believe it, believe it. See, I know this

because she happens to be in a relationship with...

my sister, uh...

...my-my sister Pepper.

Uh...

It's a... it's a family nickname.

Any-Anyway, look... uh, I just can't sit here

and watch her do that to you or to my sister, you know.

Look, frankly, if I were you, I...

I wouldn't blame-- just get up and leave, really.

You know, I just got out of a really bad relationship.

I so don't need another one.

And you so don't deserve it.

I think you should go. Really, really.

You know what? You're right.

Thank you for telling me, John.

- Mmm. -Seriously...

why do people lie like that?

I don't know.

Where's, uh... where's Sandy?

She left.

- What did you do? -Nothing.

We... It... As soon as you walked away,

she-she... she came on to me.

I can't believe that.

Not only that, she wanted to have sex, not just with me;

she wanted to have sex with you, too.

She wanted a threesome.

And I said, you know, "Forget it.

That's not happening."

It's not happening, is it?

It's... of course, that's why I said, you know,

"Take a hike, Sandy."

And all that happened in the two minutes I was gone?

See, that's why I told you, you just can't

go outwith strangers in New York, Chris.

I... I was just about to leave, but I...

I wanted to come back to tell you something myself.

That's all right, I've explained everything.

You see, it's women like you who give lesbians a bad name.

What?

When you're in a relationship with someone,

you don't agree to be fixed up with another woman.

It's a waste of my time, and it's a waste of your time.

Not to mention his poor sister, Pepper.

I had no idea you were a lesbian.

What just happened here?

All right, you know, sometimes when there's a mis...

misunderstanding like this, it's just best to walk away.

Sit down!

Did you tell her I was gay?

No.

Tony did.

Why... why would Tony think I was gay?

Where would he even get that idea?

I don't know.

M-Maybe you're giving off some kind of vibe.

Did you tell Tony I was gay?

No, absolutely not.

He guessed it.

Wait a minute, you told Tony I was gay

so he wouldn't be interested in me,

and then you told me he was gay

so I wouldn't be interested in him, right?

Oh, come on, do you think I'm capable of something like that?

You made up a sister named Pepper Becker.

You're right. You're right.

I am pathetic.

It's just that...

I've been so very, very sick.

Oh, shut up. No, no.

You know, when I first met you, sure, I saw the gruff exterior

and the awkward ham-handed way you went through life,

but I thought there was a good man underneath.

Someone who was mature, intelligent,

maybe even sensitive.

But there's not a day that goes by

that you don't prove you're almost completely

emotionally retarded.

You're exactly right.

Now, I... I don't know what's happening to me.

I mean, I... I don't act like this.

I hate people who act like this.

It's just that ever since I met you, I...

You know what? Forget it.

Look...

I'll never bother you again. I promise.

Never.

I think I must have dropped my keys.

Oh, yeah, here they are.

Never again, starting now.