Original subtitles

I told you before, Bob. I hate this game.

What's your problem? Come on, it won't hurt you.

Just take a guess.

Look, would you please just leave me alone?

- Look, I'll set it up for you. -Oh...

I'm on the fourth floor,

I go into old man Hennessey's apartment,

and guess what I find in his drain.

- I don't know... a head. -Yeah, but from what?

Excuse me, I don't like to complain,

but you guys are sitting here drinking coffee,

and I've been waiting for 20 minutes.

I can't even get a glass of water.

What do you have to do to get service around here?

Well, we don't work here.

Well, where's the dark-haired girl that runs this place?

She's not here anymore. The diner's closed.

Then what the hell am I doing here?

I think that's a question you got to ask yourself.

Uh, do you think that's a question

we should be asking ourselves?

Let's not look under that rock, okay?

I'm going to have to look under that rock eventually.

Ever since Reggie left, my business is dead.

Yeah, but look at it this way.

A couple of months ago, you didn't think

your business could get any worse, and now it has.

Well, what does that mean?

It means that just because you think you've

hit bottom, doesn't mean you have.

Well, then, how do I know when I have hit bottom?

When you spend your days picking heads

out of people's drains.

Hey, hey, fellas.

- Chris isn't here, is she? -Nah, she hasn't been in yet.

She usually stops by on her way to work.

- Why? -Good. I want to make sure she sees me

sitting here looking very casual.

Oh, what's going on?

Well, I finally figured out a way

to get her to... to go outwith me.

Well, does that involve you dying

and coming back as someone she likes?

She likes me. She just won't admit it. That's all.

Man, are you kidding yourself? I mean, even I know

when a girl doesn't like me.

Oh, yeah, what tips you off?

The running or the screaming?

That story is completely false. That girl did not run away.

She walked briskly.

All I know is, I got a great plan.

The second she walks in here,

she's going to notice this movie I rented.

I didn't know you had a VCR.

I just got one.

I was waiting for the prices to come down.

As soon as Chris comes in and notices this video,

she's going to say, "Oh, I've been dying to see that."

Well, how do you know?

Because she's a woman

and this is a French film about a bunch of people

who sleep together, eat some snails and die.

What?

All right, I happened to hear Chris mention

that she really wants to see this.

You still haven't answered the question

of Why'd she want to watch it with you.

Because I think she really wants to go outwith me,

but she's still pissed about

this whole me-sleeping- with-Reggie thing.

You know, this would be the perfect opportunity

for her to, you know, save face

and still get what she wants.

Which is you.

Yeah. Even you see that.

Hey, hey, here she comes, here she comes.

All right, you know, I'm out of here.

L-I can't watch this.

Hey, I'm here for you.

Yeah, do me a favor. Be over there for me, will you?

- Hey, Bob. -Chris.

- Chris? -John.

Haven't seen you around the building lately.

Then my plan must be working.

Anybody running this place yet?

No, no, not yet, but there's some, uh,

-fresh coffee if you want. -Oh.

Oh, I love this.

Yeah, I thought you might.

That panda at the Bronx Zoo finally had a cub. Huh.

Wonder why it takes them so long to get pregnant.

Uh, probably hard to find someone

to do it with a panda.

Will you pass me the sugar?

This yours?

What?

Oh, the tape... yeah, I guess it is, yeah.

Mmm, gosh, I've always wanted to see this.

- Really? Hmm. -Yeah.

I wouldn't have thought you'd like it, though.

You know, being a French film and all.

Well, there are two things you don't know about me.

You know, I'm a film buff and I speak French.

Vraiment, tu parles francais?

Oh-ho-ho!

Any... anyway, I'm planning to... to watch that tonight.

You know, you're, uh, welcome to come up to my place

and watch it with me, you know,

if you don't have anything better to do.

Well, who knows, if I'm not too busy, maybe I will.

Oh, good, good.

Never hurts to have someone

to split the cost of the rental.

Did I make a joke?

- Morning, John. -Yeah, morning.

Do you have any idea how brilliant I am?

Well, John, I know you're a very talented physician.

No, no, no-- no one cares about that.

I figured out how to get Chris to go outwith me.

See, I got a bottle of wine here,

I got some crackers, some cheese and a...

- French film. -Oh, so you have a date?

Well, Chris is coming over, but it's not really a date.

Well, it is a date for me, but not-not for her.

Well, what is it for her?

Well, for her, it's a... a drop-by,

but if it goes well, it could turn into a date.

But why isn't it a date already?

Because she doesn't want to go outwith me.

You know, if she thought it were a date,

she would never drop by,

and if she didn't drop by, it couldn't possibly

turn into a date.

See?

Was there originally two bottles of wine in that bag?

So, you don't actually have a date with Chris.

This is more of a trap with cheese and wine.

And crackers.

John, this isn't like you.

It's so calculated, so crazy.

You know what, you're absolutely right.

Yeah... cheese and crackers, that is so pretentious.

That's not me. Who do I think I am, Frasier?

Okay, Kelly, I'm just going to take your blood pressure

and then I'll send the doctor in.

Most of your numbers look just fine, and...

Oh, my God.

What? What is it? Wh-What's wrong?

Those shoes are so cute.

You have to tell me where you got them.

I don't remember.

Is it that you don't remember

or you're afraid to tell me?

Why would I be afraid to tell you?

Oh, come on.

You see someone walking around town

with the same shoes as you, suddenly you're not so special.

No, really, I don't remember.

Really?

The best shoes ever,

and you don't remember where you got them?

I remember what I had for breakfast

the day I got these shoes, and I don't even like 'em.

Is that supposed to be so tight?

I don't remember.

Think, Kelly.

Ah, that's starting to pinch.

Was it Bloomingdale's... Macy's...?

- I don't know. -Bergdorf's...?

Look, this isn't funny. I don't remember.

- Barney's? -I don't know!

Okay, Bloomingdale's!

- All right, then.

So how's it going in here?

Everything seems just fine, Dr. Becker.

Although her blood pressure is a little high.

Well, you may want to cut back on red meat.

And the big fat lies.

Hey. junior!

Give me a hand here.

Hello?

Hey, how about using one of your thumbs

to open this door for me?

Oh, for crying out...

Oh, future of our country's in big trouble.

Hey, kid.

Remember how I hid your skateboard

when you were making too much noise?

Well, I know where you keep your bike.

Oh, hey. Chris, hey.

I went... I went out and got a lot of take-out for tonight.

I didn't know whether you liked steamed

or fried dumplings, so I got 'em both.

And, uh, not that you don't look great,

but, you know, I was thinking we'd be a little more casual.

What are you talking about?

You know, sweats, maybe something

-with a drawstring. -0-Okay.

Okay, wh-wh... what are we talking about?

Tonight. You, me, the movie.

Remember, you said you were going to drop by?

Oh, if I didn't have something better to do.

- Yeah, right. -Yeah, well, I do.

A guy I know has invited me out to dinner

at Le Cirque and then to the theater.

And you're going?

Yeah! Yeah, he should be here any minute.

You accepted a date from somebody else

after accepting a date from me?

No, that wasn't a date. That was a drop-by.

Oh, please.

Anybody with half a brain knows what that means.

Of course it was a date.

You don't think I rented that insipid movie

for myself, do you?

Just wait. It's all in French.

Ha-ha-ha.

Besides, if you want to go outwith someone,

you ask them properly.

Oh, fine, all right, princess.

Do you want to come up to my apartment

and watch a movie?

No. I have a date. See ya.

No, hey... Hey, get back here.

"Get back here"?

Fine. Get back here, please.

Hey, come on, Chris.

I went to a lot of trouble here.

You know, I think you're being very rude.

Yes, I am. I have someone outside waiting for me.

- Wha... -Good night.

No, come... hey, look, what am I supposed to do

with two dozen egg rolls?

Do you really want me to tell you?

As I mentioned, I have a date.

Oh, yeah, well, don't think you've won,

because you haven't.

You know, I have.

Yeah, I got all the Chinese food and the movie.

And all you got is...

boy, the biggest stretch limo I've ever seen.

Loser .

Linda, where have you been?

We've got a roomful of patients.

I'm sorry, Margaret, I know I'm late,

but I'm a little upset.

I had a horrible, horrible experience this morning.

Is everything all right? Where were you?

Bloomingdale's.

That patient who was in here yesterday

with the cute shoes,

she told me that's where she got them.

So I ran down there on my way to work,

and guess what.

Bloomingdale's never even heard of those shoes.

Can you believe it, Margaret?

She looked at me right in the eyes

and lied to me.

I'm guessing you're not as outraged as I am.

Just take the next patient back.

Mrs. Collins?

Hi. Nice to see you. Come on back.

What a beautiful necklace. Where did you get that?

I don't remember.

Really?

Have you had your blood pressure checked lately?

So, did you have a good time last night with Chris?

No, I did not have a good time last night with Chris.

Sorry I asked, but I know you're gonna

want to bitch about it eventually,

so let's just get it over with.

I don't need to bitch.

Some guy in a fancy limo came by,

picked her up and took her out to dinner.

And she went?

Instead of watching a video on your lumpy couch

and eating greasy take-out?

What's wrong with that girl?

I don't know, Margaret. I don't know.

I tell you, that movie sucked, though.

Well, then why did you watch it?

Well, I had to.

Oh, right, right, right. You already paid for it.

Yeah. You know, I'll tell you the worst part of the evening

was how stupid she made me look.

Now, that's it. You know, I've tried every way I know

to romance that woman.

I'm not gonna waste another minute of my time.

I am done.

Even more done than you were

the last time you said you were done?

Way more done.

Why are you following me?

Because I know you're not done.

Oh, no, believe me, I am.

God, I hate her so much.

I don't think so.

I think you like her.

Like, hate-- it's all the same thing.

John, if you really care for her,

then find some sane way to show her how you feel.

What-what do you mean?

Like-like camping out in the laundry room, wait...?

I said sane. Do something to make her take notice.

Some... some sort of grand gesture.

Oh, please. Like one of those losers

who takes his girlfriend to the ball game

just so she can look up at the Jumbotron

and see "I IOU e you'

Who's Wanda?

Geez, you're two hours late, you miss everything.

John, you know what I'm talking about.

Flowers, candy, poetry.

Go down to that dress shop where she works,

and tell her how you feel.

You know what a guy did for me once?

He showed up at my apartment at 2:00 a.m.

wearing nothing but a fur coat.

I'm not going to put on a fur coat, Linda.

Well, you can't just go naked. It'll ruin the surprise.

You know, forget it. Th-This is all stupid.

It's just not me. It's ridiculous.

It's romantic. Think about it.

Van Gogh cut off his ear for a woman.

Yeah, well, maybe he was just tired of listening to her talk.

So get this:

Mr. and Mrs. Barman 'm 44, they have a fight,

and she throws her wedding ring down the toilet,

and then they call me to climb in and fish it out.

Bob, do you really think I care

that you spent your morning in a toilet?

You can't see this place. Trust me, so did you.

Got any coffee?

No. Sorry.

When I finish this cup of coffee here,

the diner will have officially been picked clean.

If I don't get somebody to run it soon,

this place will go out of business

and it'll take me with it.

But we need this place.

It's the glue that holds us together.

Maybe there is an upside to going out of business.

- Hey. -Hey, Becker, Jake's trying

to figure out a way to make this place profitable.

You got any ideas?

Got any matches?

Yeah, as if this place is insured.

So, Pepé Le Pew...

how did your French movie night go?

It was fine. It went... it went fine.

Liar.

Chris was in here before.

She told us everything.

Yeah, you got hosed!

Why is everybody so involved in my life?

'Cause it's impossible to take your eyes off a train wreck.

All right, all right.

Look, let me ask you guys something.

Have you ever tried to get a woman's attention

by making some kind of grand gesture?

What do you mean?

You know, a very big... gesture.

Well, do you... do you mean like serenading her

outside her window or renting out an entire restaurant

for a candlelit dinner?

Or sending her a picture of yourself

with a gun in your mouth?

It wasn't loaded.

And it didn't work.

So...

You know what I'm talking about, right?

That-that stuffs pathetic.

Oh, of course it's pathetic.

You know, I do just fine with a bottle of red wine,

a little Miles Davis, and the heartbreaking story

of how I lost my sight on a mission for the CIA.

You weren't in the CIA.

Luckily, I'm not hitting on you.

All right, fellas. I gotta go.

- I'll see you tomorrow. -Take care, Jake.

So, Becker, you're not really gonna try some stupid stunt

to get Chris interested, are you?

No, no, I'm through playing that game.

And besides, she's made it pretty clear

she's not interested in me.

Well, take it from me,

when that happens, just forget it.

Otherwise, you just make a fool out of yourself.

Yeah. No kidding. I can do that on my own.

I don't need her for that.

So, Becker, look, you're alone, I'm alone...

Why don't we hang out tonight?

We can get a pizza and give each other haircuts.

Hi. Can I help you?

Yes, I need to speak to Chris Connor.

Well, she's working right now, but if you'd like to wait,

she'll be taking her break in about 45 minutes.

Yeah, there's no way I'm hanging around

some froufrou clothing store for 40...

Oh, never mind. There she is.

You can't go over there. She's with a customer.

Yeah, it's okay, I'm a doctor.

What does that mean?

It means, don't question me, I'm a doctor.

Those pants look great on you.

- Really? -Mmm.

They seem a little tight.

Well, let me see if I've got another size in back.

Hey, Chris, hi.

What... what are you doing here?

Uh... what, is this another date I didn't know about?

What? No, no, I came here to give you these.

Why?

You're not supposed to say "why."

You-You're supposed to say "thank you."

- Thank you. -Ah.

I'll, uh, I'll get you those pants now.

No, no, she won't.

Listen, I also got you these chocolates here.

Why? I mean, thank you, but why?

Excuse me. Do you think these would look good on me?

No, they make you look fat. Now, go away.

Hey... He didn't mean that.

I'll be with you in a second.

Look, you have to leave.

Not-not yet, Chris. I want...

Come here. Look, last night, when I asked you

to come up and look at that movie,

it was a dumb way of asking you on a date.

And this is the smart way?

You know, I'm trying to be nice here.

Will you shut up and listen?

Do you want to go on a date with me?

- No. -What do you mean, "no"?

Okay, no way in hell!

Does that make it any clearer?

No!

Well, too bad. Uh, now, where were we?

Uh, you were going to get me those pants?

- Oh, yes. -Look, here, just try these.

Chris, you're going to have to ask your boyfriend to leave.

Oh, no, believe me, he is not my boyfriend.

Yeah, just give me a second here, will you, sweetheart?

Look, don't you see what just happened?

I came all the way down here, and I made a grand gesture.

Yes, I see that, but I'm not interested!

But I gave you flowers and candy,

and I... you know, I almost wrote you a poem.

Well, actually, I did, but it's kind of stupid.

You know, let me get this straight:

I'm just supposed to melt because you came down here

and made a gesture?

A grand gesture.

Oh, yeah, five wilted roses

and a box of drug store chocolates,

what woman could resist?

You know what, John?

You deserve much more than a date.

Like what?

Like me, right here, right now.

What?

Come on, let's make love!

What? What are you...?

Chris, what is going on here?

I'm taking my break early.

You are out of your mind.

I have never been more serious in my life.

John, take me. Take me now.

Do you have these in blue?

I'll be with you in a moment.

This shouldn't take long at all.

You know, from the minute I met you,

I knew there was something weird about you.

I just didn't know what it was.

Now I do. You're crazy!

- Me? Me? -Yeah. you! You!

What about you? You just don't stop.

You keep asking me out, I keep saying no.

You're like one of those little windup toys

that keeps bumping into the walls

but the little legs keep moving.

Once and for all, John, I don't want to go outwith you!

Now, just leave!

I'll leave when I'm good and ready.

Okay, I'm ready.

Finally! My God, what does it take to get through to you?

So you wanted to see those in blue?

Jake, you'll never guess what I found in my building.

No. Stop right there, okay?

If you found something in someone's drain

or someone's toilet,

I don't want to hear about it, okay?

Just promise me it's not one of those stories.

- No, this is nothing like that. -All right.

There was this little baby bird on the front stoop,

and it must have fallen out of its nest

because it was hopping around like it was hurt or something.

So I taped up his leg, I sat up with him all night long,

then this morning, I took him outside,

I put him in the palm of my hand,

and I watched him fly away.

Wow, that's a sweet story.

Nah, I'm lying. I found a watch in the toilet.

Chris is out of her mind.

You know, all I did was give her flowers and candy,

and she instantly flopped on her back

and started yelling, "Take me! Take me!"

What kind of flowers?

She was mocking me, Bob.

She was making ass-fun of me

in the middle of a clothing store.

Well, you know what, you know what? I'm glad.

Yeah, I dodged a big fat bullet on this one, I'll tell you.

If I never see her or talk to her again,

I'll be a very happy man.

Coffee? I made it fresh.

Yeah, what-what the hell are you doing here?

And why did you just come out of that kitchen?

I've been waiting all morning for this.

Well, thanks to a visit I got at work

from some pompous, self-involved jackass,

I got fired.

And then Jake told me that Reggie was still looking

for somebody to run this place,

so I thought I'd give it a shot.

Jake, how could you do this?

I... I was going broke. I could have lost everything.

Yeah, but this is very uncomfortable for me.

You want coffee or not?

Fine.

What the hell are you doing?

Sorry, I'm new here.