Original subtitles

- Morning, Jake. -Hey, John.

What's going on?

All right, let's cut to the chase.

You want to know if Chris has been in yet.

I don't care whether Chris has been in.

You know, I don't think about her.

In fact, I was saying to myself on the way over here,

I don't care a thing about Chris.

But if you've got some deep need to talk about her,

you know, go ahead.

She hasn't been in yet.

Thank you. Was that so hard?

Don't talk to me. I'm too upset.

Don't even ask, because I'm not gonna talk about it.

All right, if you must know...

I just saw Chris naked.

Naked? Really?

Well, I could care less,

but I'm sure Jake would like to hear all about it.

Okay, I went up to her place to fix her faucet.

That's all-- I swear on my mother's life,

which, as you know, is shaky, but you get my sincerity.

Well, didn't you knock?

She said she wouldn't be home, so I didn't knock.

Why would I knock? Nobody's home.

But she was home. This wasn't supposed to happen.

What kind of person stands in their bathroom naked?!

Geez, Bob, you're acting like you've never seen

a naked woman before.

Of course I have, but Chris is different.

She's a woman who talks to me.

You've never talked to a naked woman before?

I've talked to lots of women on the phone

who told me they were naked.

Don't you knock?!

You weren't supposed to be there!

But I was there, wasn't I?

Look, Chris, I'm so sorry.

L-I didn't mean to see you.

L-I was there to see your plumbing.

- Oh. -And when I say "plumbing,"

I don't mean... Oh, man!

I feel like such an ass... I mean, a boob.

Oh, God!

Okay, fellas, let's, uh... let's get this over with.

I'm sure Bob regaled you with stories about my body

in great graphic detail.

So, what'd he say?

Well, he told us that it happened, but that was it.

No, no, no, come on, you don't have to spare my feelings.

We'd never do that.

Honestly, Chris, Bob didn't say a word.

You expect me to believe he didn't race down here

and tell you everything?

- It's the truth.

Come on, I know how guys talk.

You and your locker room gossip.

The winks between you, the elbows in the ribs.

- The snickering. -Hey, you know what?

I think that's a little offensive

that you think we're a bunch of cavemen

who sit around grunting about what women look like naked.

All right, fine.

If I misjudged you--

and I'm pretty sure I haven't-- I'm sorry.

We do talk about women that way, don't we?

- Of course we do. -Mmm.

Good, 'cause I was picturing her naked

the whole time she was here.

Since when do you wear glasses?

I don't.

Then what are those?

They just look good; they don't do anything.

Yeah, well, you'd be the expert on that.

They just give me so many different looks.

I can be... smart...

Sporty,"...

thoughtful...

or, if I meet a really cute guy...

Easy?

Easier.

Just... just tell me who's up first, please.

Um...

Mr. Hollenbeck.

Oh, good, John, you're back.

I've got a message for you. It's about Mr. Humphries.

Aw, geez, crusty pain in the ass.

What-what is it this time?

Does he have an ingrown toenail

and want to be medevac'd to the Mayo Clinic?

- No. He... -He have a pimple and think it's a tumor?

- John... -I mean, the guy is such a hypochondriac, you know?

He's rude and he's demanding. You know something?

Why don't we just dump him on some other doctor?

- John! -I'm telling you,

Margaret, he's driving me crazy.

Calls me, like, three times a week to tell me he's dying.

Well, this time his cardiologist agrees with him.

He had emergency bypass surgery.

Oh. Well, wait-wait a minute.

His last EKG was perfect.

Well, you know as well as I do it happens.

They, um... they don't expect him to last the night.

He's asked to see you.

All right, yeah, of course. Uh...

I'll drop by Bronx North on my way home.

No, actually, he's at Harbor View on, uh, Staten Island.

- Staten Island? -Mm-hmm.

This time of day, it's going to take me hours just to get there.

Well, then you better get going.

I'll-I'll reschedule the rest of the patients.

Thank you, Margaret.

I told you I was sick.

Well, that's the thing about being a hypochondriac.

Eventually, you're going to be right.

Well, how are you feeling?

Well, I must be doing better. They gave me another machine.

Are you in any pain?

Are you kidding?

They cracked open my chest and played handball with my heart.

Seemed like a nice thing to ask, all right?

Well, all right, all right, I...

I suppose I should thank you for coming all the way here.

I damn near didn't make it.

I had to take two trains, a ferry and a bus.

You should've done what I did,

collapse on the sidewalk and take an ambulance.

I'll remember that for the ride home.

You know how I used to, uh, call you with a headache

and you'd say, "Aw, shut up, it's nothing"?

Then I called you with heartburn,

and you said, "Aw, shut up, it's nothing."

I never told you to shut up.

Well, you hung up on me once.

So I wouldn't have to tell you to shut up.

A-Any chance this is nothing?

I'm sorry.

Well, I'll say this for you.

That's the first straight answer I got today.

I'll be honest...

I'm a little afraid.

Would it help if I stay here with you for a while?

Well, do you think you could be here when I...

well, you know.

I'll try.

I promise.

You know, you got little girly hands.

- Hey, Jake. -Hey.

- Chris isn't here, is she? -Nope.

Oh, thank God. I don't know what to say to her.

L-I still feel so embarrassed about the other day.

Hi, Bob.

I thought you said she wasn't here.

I was wrong. I'm blind. Give me a break.

Look, Chris, about the other day...

Doesn't matter.

No, it-it does.

I mean, seeing you naked was horrible.

I've been having nightmares about it.

If I could go back in time, I'd poke my eyes out. No offense.

Horrible? Nightmares?

Poke your eyes out?

Is-is that your idea of an apology?

I thought it was.

Was my body that hideous?

Hey, I work out six days a week.

Yoga, Tae Bo, Pilates.

I'm on my third "Buns of Steel" tape.

And I watch what I eat, too.

I was a vegetarian for six whole months.

Okay, I snuck an occasional piece of sushi...

and a cupcake...

but if I can't get one lewd comment

from a horny little super,

my God, what's the point of it all?!

What the hell was that?

If I do the wrong thing, it's wrong;

if I do the right thing, it's wrong.

You're so lucky, Jake.

Safe in your dark, lonely world, free from the burden of sight.

Well, you know, Bob,

things weren't always this rosy.

Once, when I was 15, before I went blind,

I accidentally walked in on my Aunt Leona

while she was putting on her bra.

Or maybe it was a hammock.

Well, all I know is that she was strapping on something huge.

Now, my first instinct was to run,

but, well, my-my feet, they were just frozen. I...

I just stood in that doorway staring at my fat, naked aunt.

Then later, during Thanksgiving dinner,

I asked her to pass me some turkey, and...

she gave me a breast...

and she winked at me.

I don't get how this relates to my problem with Chris.

Let me ask you something:

ls Chris 300 pounds with a size 56 triple-D bra?

No.

Trust me, you got off easy.

Hi, John.

Horrible, just horrible.

It took me three hours to get there,

three hours talking to Humphries,

who's just as charming as ever,

and then three hours to get home.

Do I have girly hands?

- Actually, you kind of do. -Oh...

I haven't slept all night.

I guess I shouldn't complain.

I'm lucky to be alive,

which is probably more than I can say for Mr. Humphries.

No, no, not really. The hospital called.

He made it through the night just fine.

Really?

Well, they say the human spirit is...

something or other.

He'd like to see you again, tonight.

Tonight? Oh...

That's a hell of a long trip out there.

Did they happen to say exactly how alive he still is?

John!

All right, all right, all right, I'll go.

Actually, you know what?

Margaret, we were talking last night.

He said how fond he was of you.

- May-Maybe you should go... -He asked for you.

Now, you only have a few patients waiting.

I'll just reschedule the rest.

All I want to know is, when I'm dying,

who's going to come see me?

Trust me, there'll be a crowd.

Took you long enough.

Nice to see you, too, Mr. Humphries.

Glad you're still with us.

You look like hell.

Yeah, well...

I had a pretty rough trip.

My subway got stuck in the tunnel,

and all the lights went out.

Ooh, that must have been scary.

I flatlined, and they had to bring in the crash cart.

All right, all right, all right, you win, you win.

So, how you feeling?

Well, a little better.

Believe it or not, I-l think seeing you last night helped.

Good, good. I'm glad.

Would you mind just reading something to me?

Sure, I guess. What do you got?

A favorite book or a magazine or something?

Uh... how about the Bible?

Oh, no, Bible. No, no, it's...

I'm not really a Bible kind of guy.

Come to think of it, neither are you.

Well, I hear it can be very comforting.

You going to help me out or not?

Ah...

Which part you want me to read?

Just start at the beginning.

"In the beginning..." Oh, yeah.

"God created the heavens and the earth.

"And the earth was without form and void,

"and the darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the spirit of God..."

Adam and Eve...

Cain and Abel...

Sonny and Cher...

Yeah, and the Hebrews escaped from Egypt on the 10:00 ferry.

Hello, Mr. Humphries.

Just need to take a little blood.

Hey, have a little consideration.

The man's finally getting some rest.

0h. no, no, no.

I'm actually glad to be awake.

I don't want to miss one word of the Bible.

Oh, you're reading the Bible?

You know, I'm sure some of our other patients

would take comfort in that.

Would you mind if I brought them in?

No, no, look-look, this is a private moment

between my-my patient and myself.

Absolutely not.

"And behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of waters

"to destroy all flesh,

and everything that is the earth shall die."

Bring it on, Lord.

What's going on?

Now, let me ask you something:

ls Chris sitting there with anybody?

No. She's alone.

Oh, my God.

She's doing all that eating by herself?

All I've heard for the last hour is chewing and burping.

All right, look, I'm going in.

Chris, uh, are you okay?

Mm, never better.

Since no one seems to notice when I do everything right,

why bother?

Are you doing all this because of me?

Let's face it, Bob,

if you didn't even notice how good I look,

what chance do I have with anyone else?

Look, Chris, you can't do this. I-l mean...

I might see you naked again, you know,

and-and if I want to see fat,

I'll go upstairs to Mrs. Goldman.

Trust me, I have an open invitation.

Chris, you-you have to stay the way you are.

Look...

I was just trying to show you some respect.

Yeah, well, good for you.

Honestly... you got the calves of a stripper,

the thighs of a mud wrestler,

and the abs of a semi-legitimate masseuse.

You're just saying that.

Oh, yeah? How about this:

You've got one of the all-time great asses.

What was that?

You got a great ass.

Bob, you have no idea how that makes me feel.

- Thank you! -You're welcome.

You hear that, Jake?

Got it. Great ass.

Hey, if anybody needs me, I'll be at the gym.

What about her boobs, Bob?

Oh, right. Chris, wait up!

Oh, no glasses today?

Turns out glasses are over.

Everybody's getting that new laser surgery

to have their vision corrected permanently,

so that's what I did.

Oh, please don't tell me that you...

Of course I didn't. I just pretended.

So, you got rid of fake glasses and got fake surgery

all to get back to the perfect vision

you had in the first place.

Well, it doesn't happen right away.

It takes a couple of days for your eyes to adjust.

Oh, come on, Mr. Jackson,

you can't be surprised that old lady hit you.

Any moron knows you take Viagra at home,

not right before you get on a crowded bus.

Moron.

John...

you have been beating up on patients all morning.

You'd think after reading the Bible

you might have learned something.

Oh, yeah, I learned that old people fart

and they don't even know it.

That Good Book of yours, Margaret,

just goes on and on.

Plagues and floods and frogs and vermin and locusts...

Yeah, it's the Bible that goes on and on.

And all I know is, you know,

I missed the last ferry last night,

and I had to take a cab ride home that cost me 50 bucks.

Before, you said 49.

I was including tip.

Doctor's office.

Oh, it's Mr. Humphries' cardiologist.

Yes?

Yes, I'll tell him.

Dead or alive?

It's a miracle.

You didn't answer my question.

Alive.

Oh, don't tell me.

He wants to see me again tonight.

John, we are talking about a man who's dying.

No, we're talking about a man who,

if he has to go to Staten Island one more time,

may kill himself.

John, you promised that you would be with him.

Yeah, and I meant it, too, when I thought

that he was going to check out the first night.

- John, you are terrible. -Come on.

You know, there's a limit to compassion,

and I passed it, like, three days ago.

Well, I suppose you're right.

It is a lot to ask you to go out there every single night.

Yeah, yeah, it is.

I mean, you can't keep doing this forever.

No, I can't. You know? I got my own life, you know.

Well, I do.

Oh, you know what? I'll... Fine, I'll go.

Tell Mr. Humphries I've been praying for him.

Yeah, well, stop it.

I'll tell you something else, I don't care what happens,

this is the last time I'm going out there. I mean it.

Maureen, hi.

Lee, how are the girls?

Hey, Dr. Becker. You know,

coming here every night the way you do is just so nice.

Yeah, yeah, I'm a real saint.

How's he doing?

He's hanging in there.

Oh, of course he is.

Did you bring the root beer?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I brought your root beer.

Oh, great.

The last root beer I'll ever have, and he brings me generic.

It's all... it's all the same stuff.

Plus, it's cheaper.

All right, so what are we going to do tonight?

Well, actually, I'd-I'd like you to read me this.

10,000 Reasons to Smile.

Oh, God.

"Puppy kisses... rainbows... snowmen."

This is like 10,000 reasons to step in front of a bus.

Well, my grandson gave me that book,

but if it's not good enough for you, fine.

How about this?

Tuesdays with Morrie.

Yeah, it's good.

It's about a young man visiting an old guy on his death bed.

Wh-Why do we have to read about it? We're living it.

That book is about a thoughtful young man.

Yes, I noticed.

Who doesn't like Tuesdays with Morrie?

I got no problem with Tuesday.

It's all the rest of the days of the week

I'm having trouble with.

Do you have any idea what it's taken for me

to get out here every night for two weeks?

You know, I've had to cancel patients.

You know, I... I've spent a fortune on transportation,

and tonight on the ferry, some drunk puked all over my shoes.

Well, maybe you'll have an easier trip tomorrow.

Tomorrow-- no, damn it, listen...

I can't come tomorrow.

You have to.

Why? It's not going to make any difference.

- No... -Look at your chart.

All I know is,

they keep telling me I'm gonna die.

Then you visit me, and I wake up the next morning.

It's like you're my good-luck charm.

Trust me, you're not a lucky man.

Look at your chart.

Look, I'm sorry.

L-I just can't keep coming back here.

I don't have the time.

You don't have the time?

So, this is difficult for you?

Yes, yes, it is.

Yeah, so...

what you're saying is, it's inconvenient.

Yes, yes, it is.

Do you have any idea how many hours I wasted in your office?

What?

I sat so long in your office

waiting for you to check my prostate,

I got hemorrhoids.

And another time, I spent the whole afternoon

just waiting for a lousy physical

while you were screaming on the phone to the cable company.

And how many hours have I listened to you

rant on and on about George Bush, Bill Clinton

and George Bush again?

So, please, don't... don't talk to me about inconvenience.

The cable guy said he was going to be there

between 10:00 and 12:00.

The way I figure it, you owe me.

Look, Mr. Humphries...

Besides...

...you promised.

Yeah, but that's when I thought that you...

"Summer rain.

"Flying kites.

A day at the zoo."

It's too bright in here.

Turn off that light.

No, no, the-the switch is broken.

You have to unplug it.

It's the plug on the right!

I know, I know.