Original subtitles

Mmm.

Mmm...

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Excuse me.

Oh. You.

Yeah, me.

Uh, would you mind putting that out?

What, this?

Yeah, that. The smoke's coming right in my window.

close your window.

Well, I could close my window,

but I shouldn't have to on a warm evening like this

just because my neighbor

has chosen to pollute his lungs and everything around him.

Yeah, well, thanks, but you don't have to worry

about my lungs.

It's a cigar. You don't inhale cigar smoke.

Well, I'm sure inhaling it.

Well, you should try not to do that.

Well, I don't seem to have much choice.

Well, I gave you my window idea.

I don't know what else to tell you.

Don't you think you're being a little childish?

- How many children do you know smoke cigars? -Uh...

Your attitude.

Obviously, this whole cigar thing

is your way of throwing a little temper tantrum

because you keep asking me out and I keep rejecting you.

You need to think that, go ahead.

This, however, happens to be a gift

from a very grateful patient

thanking me for treating his emphysema.

He gets better, I get his cigars.

It's what we in the medical profession call "win-win."

Well, there are tears in my eyes.

Mmm.

But not from your stupid story,

so why don't you just put that out?

Why don't you just leave me alone?

You know, this is a Cuban cigar.

They're very hard to come by.

Cuban, huh? So what you're doing is illegal.

No, what I'm doing

is giving meaning to the pitiful lives

of the poor, oppressed workers who made this.

Now, maybe you could throw it away,

but I'll be damned if I'm gonna snuff out

the very thing that gives them reason

to crawl out of bed in the morning.

- You're a saint. -Mmm.

And, uh, by the way, your shirt's on fire.

Yeah, right. Ow! Gee! Oh! Gah! Oh! Ow!

Good morning, John.

How are you?

How am I? How am I?

Yeah, I'm tired and I'm pissed off

'cause somebody woke me up at 4:00 a.m.

You want to know who woke me up at 4:00 a.m.?

My insane, vindictive, lunatic neighbor

who hates me, that's who.

You're going to have to be more specific.

Chris! You know, I was jolted out of a sound sleep

by a "thump, thump, thump" on my-my ceiling

like she was jumping up and down on a... on a pogo stick,

all to get back at me for some perceived cigar incident.

I mean, who does that at 4:00 a.m. in the morning?

Are you even listening to me?

Chris, thump, 4:00 a.m. Got it.

I mean, h-how do you deal with somebody

who is so irrational, so childish, so petty?

Sometimes all you can do

is smile and keep them busy with other things.

Ed Garland is in two,

Mrs. Henderson is in one,

and Mr. Dorsey's X-rays are on your desk.

Morning, Dr. Becker.

Not now, Linda.

And I know what you were doing, Margaret.

After ten years, I'd hope so.

Margaret, I have to leave early to get to the airport.

Where are you going on a Tuesday?

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm flying in from Los Angeles.

You're flying in from Los Angeles

and coming here to New York?

Yeah. I caught the 7:00 a.m. flight this morning

out of LAX and I land

at Kennedy at around 3:30 New York time.

You know, sometimes

I have to figure out a way to look interested,

but this time, I actually am.

Go.

Well, I met this guy named Kevin at a bar down in SoHo,

and he was cute and nice

and I really wanted him to like me,

so when he asked where I lived,

it seemed so boring to just say that I'm from here,

work in a crappy doctor's office,

and why don't we all just slip into a coma.

So, when I heard "L.A. Woman" playing on the jukebox,

I improvised and told him I was from L.A.

Pretty good thinking, huh?

Well, it's some kind of thinking.

Um, just curious-- what is it you do in L.A.?

I'm a commodities broker

at a very prestigious firm downtown.

Linda, you don't know anything about commodities.

I don't think anyone really does.

This has got to be the most bizarre thing

you've ever done,

and that includes that weekend you became a Geisha.

Look, can I leave early or not?

Kevin's picking me up at baggage claim

and I still have to pack.

Fine!

Oh, it's gonna be good to get away.

Morning, Jake.

Hey, Bob.

You know, I have to be here,

but with Reggie gone, the diner's not even open.

I mean, wh-what do you come here for?

Well, you're still open for business, right?

I come here to support you.

Then try buying something.

Moral support, buddy, moral support.

You made coffee, huh?

Well, I made something. You tell me.

It's not bad.

It's not coffee, but it's not bad.

Actually, you know what, Bob? I need to talk to you.

Now, I'm helping Amanda paint the bedroom...

Whoa, hold on a second.

You're helping Amanda paint?

Moral support, buddy, moral support.

L-I think she lied to me about the color.

Now, is this a can of white paint?

Close.

It's a can of baked beans.

Damn it, I grabbed the wrong one.

Well, if it helps, there's some paint on your shirt.

Oh, really? What color is it?

Ah, it's sort of a soft pastel.

Kind of a blush pink.

Kind of a... Ah, who am I kidding? It's gay.

So she did lie to me.

She told me it was white, man.

I can't believe she'd do that.

She lied to you, she deceived you.

- She clearly has no respect for you. -Mm-hmm.

But on the plus side, we got baked beans for lunch.

There you are.

I've been leaving messages for you all day.

Becker, think about it.

Why would I ruin my life with an answering machine

that actually recorded incoming calls?

Listen, John, I got to talk to you about Amanda real quick.

Yeah, l-later. Look, Chris was up at 4:00 a.m.

stomping all over her apartment

while I was trying to sleep.

Now, it's your job as building super

to either fine her, or evict her,

or have her arrested, I don't really care which.

I like Chris. She's pretty.

So, John, about this Amanda thing...

Yeah, later. I'm trying to deal with Bob here.

Fine.

- Look, I'm serious. -I know you are.

- Hey, Jake. -Hey.

Why are you, uh, holding a can of baked beans?

I'm painting my apartment.

Hey, hi. Here she is. Let her have it.

You know? Ask-ask her why she was making

all that noise this morning.

Go ahead. Ask her.

You look pretty today.

Thanks, Bob.

And you can tell my neighbor

that I was jumping rope this morning.

Jumping rope! Did you hear that?! Jump...

Ask her why, Bob.

Do something different with your hair?

Yeah, thanks. I'm trying a new mousse.

And you can tell him

that as a child, I was very sick--

maybe the doctor is familiar with fibromyalgia--

and so it's important for me to exercise my legs

to keep them from shriveling up like so much rotten fruit.

Yeah, I saw that movie, too, this morning at 4:00 a.m.

But at least that little girl had the decency

to exercise before she went to bed.

Yeah, well, she didn't have to wait for the cigar smoke

to clear out of her apartment.

Bob, just tell her to knock it off.

So what do you wear when you jump rope?

Yes-- I'm warning you, I better not hear

a jump rope tonight.

Don't worry, you won't.

I rented a belt sander.

I'm going to strip my floors.

You know something? I don't appreciate the sarcasm.

You hear that?

Yeah-- stripping her floors.

Good morning, John.

I want you to get on the phone and find me a 12-foot pole

with a boot on the end of it. Don't ask why, just do it.

Six more credits, and I could have been a court reporter.

Sorry I'm late, Margaret.

The market was crazy this morning.

I had to go down to Wall Street for a meeting.

You actually went all the way down to Wall Street?

I had to.

Kevin insisted on waiting with me

until I got on the bus.

Well, then, why didn't you just take it one stop and get off?

It was an express, smarty-pants.

We had the greatest night.

This city can be so romantic,

it almost makes me want to live here.

You mean, more than you already do?

Oh, Margaret, it was fantastic.

From the second we kissed hello at the airport, it was magic.

We came into the city, we walked down Fifth Avenue,

and for dinner, we found this cute little French place

in Gramercy Park that nobody knows about.

That place you go to all the time?

That's the one.

Then we had cappuccinos

at this outdoor cafe in Green-which Village.

It's Greenwich Village.

I know, but Kevin thinks it's cute

the way I mispronounce it.

Then we spent the night

at this fabulous apartment overlooking Central Park

where my company put me up.

You mean your apartment?

That's the one.

You know, I think this thing with Kevin

could turn into something great.

But it's dishonest.

Margaret, think about it.

If I told Kevin that I was from New York,

we'd see each other every single day,

and then before you know it, it'd be the same old, same old.

Pretty soon, I'd stop paying attention to my hair,

stop shaving my legs...

Well, you know what I'm talking about.

It was just that one week when I was sick!

Look, Linda...

when you're in an honest, long-term relationship

like I am with Louis, you'll find comfort and security

in coming home to the same person every night.

Okay, last night,

when he was sitting there in his shorts

burping out all the answers to Wheel of Fortune,

it wasn't exactly a high point, and I told him...

What I'm trying to say is,

if you build a relationship on a lie,

then you'll always have to pretend

it's something it's not.

Pretty cool, huh?

I'm sorry.

Did we schedule a sleepover?

Is this pillowcase dark gray with steel blue trim?

Close. It's pale blue with dainty little flowers.

So... so it's not a guy's pillowcase.

Well, I'm sure a certain type of guy might like it.

Damn it, Amanda's making my apartment all girly

and she's lying to me about it.

This is what I've been trying to talk to you about all day.

All right, all right. Fine, you know.

We are close friends. I guess I can't get out of this.

Come on in. I'll get you a beer.

What's going on?

Well, it's like I said, you know?

Amanda's redecorating the apartment,

and she's lying to me about it.

I mean, does she really think that she can fool me?

Huh? That I can't just bring someone

into my bedroom and ask them what color it is?

Ah, women. Who knows how they think?

Yeah. I mean, I've told her what I want, right?

But sometimes it feels like she doesn't even listen to me.

- Shh-Shh! -What is it?

Here you go. I'm sorry, buddy, keep talking.

- I'm right here, pal. -Yeah.

I mean, does she... does she have so little respect for me

that she'd just lie right to my face?

Ah, women. Heh.

You can't trust 'em.

Um... I'm going to have to, uh, hang

some socks out on the fire escape here, pal.

But you keep talking. I can hear you loud and clear.

I mean, when trust disappears in a relationship,

well, the relationship just goes right out the window.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

If I can't trust

the woman I'm living with, well, I'm in

a whole truckload of trouble right there.

Hey, women! What are you gonna do?

Well, let's say maybe one day we decide to get married

and it doesn't quite work out,

and somewhere down the road, she decides

she wants a divorce but she doesn't want

to go through the formalities of getting a divorce,

all she's gotta do is...

Another cigar?

Wow. In Cuba, you must be, like, a national hero.

Oh, hello. Yeah.

Well, just trying to do my part.

Hands across the water and all that.

Well, if the cigarettes don't kill you,

it's good to have a backup.

Gee, I hope the smoke's not bothering you.

No, no, not me.

But it does seem to dry out my plant.

Maybe I better freshen it up a bit.

Yeah, you do that.

Wow, it looks better already.

I don't know, John.

I feel like my whole relationship

is at stake here, you know?

I mean, am I missing something?

Is there some secret to getting along with women?

Do you think I know? Feel my head.

Flying back to California today?

Yeah. I have a 6:00 flight.

Kevin's so sweet.

He wants to take me to the airport to say good-bye.

So, let me just check here.

I'm all packed, I've got my plane ticket... I'm ready to go.

You bought a plane ticket?

I got to hand it to you, Linda.

When you commit yourself to something, you don't go halfway.

Well, that would be pointless.

Halfway would be, like, somewhere in Oklahoma.

Besides, the plane ticket's the best part.

See, when we're at the airport saying good-bye,

we know we have to savor every moment we have together,

then... I take out the ticket,

and we realize it's time for me to go.

That's when things really heat up.

Well, Linda, you've got it all.

Too bad none of it's real.

What kind of deranged person pours water over your head

when you're pretending to hang imaginary socks

out on a fire escape?

I hardly ever know what he's talking about.

Never mind him.

When is your company sending you back to New York?

Well, let's see... I've got to be in Paris for a conference...

Ooh, I would love to go to Paris.

So would I.

Anyways, I've got a ten-hour layover on my way home.

So, I'm going to surprise Kevin

and book a room at the Plaza for the afternoon.

Last time I took Louis to the Plaza,

he stole an ashtray and sold it on eBay.

Hello, Louis.

Whatcha doin'?

Well, pretend I don't know.

Yeah, as if the pink paint and the flowered sheets

weren't bad enough,

this morning, I reached down for my shoes

and I found my bed had a ruffly little skirt all around it.

Now, I know I sure as hell didn't put it there.

I don't know what to do, Margaret.

Do... do I confront her?

Do... do I forget it?

- Do I... -Oh, shut up.

What?

Is there excitement in your life?

Yeah, I guess.

Is there passion?

Yeah.

Has she worn the same pair

of raggedy-ass sweatpants to bed

-for the last seven years? -No.

Then trust me, you've got a good life.

But it's my apartment.

Oh, for God's sake, you're blind.

You can imagine you live anywhere you want

with anybody you want.

- Hi, Margaret. -Yeah, yeah.

- Hey, Jake. -Hey, Chris.

Hey, uh, do me a favor. I-l gotta go.

Here are the keys. Would you lock up for me?

Where are you going?

Home to Trump Tower to sleep with Elle Macpherson.

- Hey, Jake. -Hey, later, John.

Oh, yeah, there you are.

You know that plant you just had to water last night?

I checked-- it's plastic!

Huh. No wonder it's not growing.

You know something, maybe you ought to join a gym.

You know, work off some of this aggression.

I don't need to join a gym.

I just bought a new clog dancing tape.

- I get plenty of exercise. -If I hear one clog, I swear...

Don't you tell me what I can and cannot do.

- If I want to sand my floors... - Bob! Bob!

You gotta throw her ass out of here!

I gotta tell you something, man, she's...

He's lucky I just dropped water on him. I should've...

Stop it!

What is the matter with you two?

- He's the most selfish... -She's got plastic plants

up there. It's a fire hazard.

Shut up!

Look, either sleep together or kill each other, I don't care!

Just leave me out of it.

The two of you are acting like children.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

And you know what you should be the most ashamed of?

That we had to hear it from you?

Wasn't where I was going, but excellent point.

My God...

how did you two sink so low?

Oh, I wish I didn't have to go back to California.

I'm gonna miss you.

I'll miss you more.

Every time I pass that cafe, I'll think of you.

And I'll think of you every time I... go surfing.

You're so cute.

Yeah, I know.

Well, I guess it's...

...time.

Okay, I really have to go.

Wait, I've got a surprise for you.

I'm coming with you.

Los Angeles Flight 82 from New York now arriving.

Uh, Margaret, I may be a little late tomorrow.

Let's go, honey.

I can't wait to see your beach house.

Neither can I.

Hi.

Oh... hi.

I love looking at the city at night.

I like to think each of those lights

is someone falling in love.

I always figure it's someone being murdered.

Well, it's funny how often one seems to lead to the other, huh?

No, it... it's okay, you can smoke.

Oh, that's all right. I know it bothers you.

No, no, go ahead. I'll just... I'll-I'll close my window.

Nah, you know, I probably shouldn't smoke anyway.

I think I read somewhere it's not all that good for you.

Wow, look at that, I believe we just reached a compromise.

Oh, I guess we did.

We, uh... we did get a little silly, didn't we?

I suppose.

You know, there's no reason we can't get along, you know,

like neighbors.

Could happen.

Maybe even... like friends.

Anything's possible.

Is that your doorbell?

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Are you expecting company or something?

- Uh, yeah, or something. -Oh.

Somebody you know? A guy, or...?

What if it is?

Wait, I-l just think it's little late, isn't it?

Excuse me?

Well, who has a guy over at 11:00?

Well, what's it matter to you?

It doesn't. I just think it's a little weird.

Well, fortunately, it is none of your business.

Come on in!

Oh, Steve, hi.

- Steve? -Hi. I was afraid you'd never get here.

I really need this.

Now, get in here and shut the door.

Ooh, this is so hot!

I have been looking forward to this all week.

Wait, I-l don't understand.

Thanks for the pizza. You can go now.

But you said I was hot.

You're not. Go.