Original subtitles

Who is it?

It's Chris.

Just a second.

Hey, What's going on?

I'm sorry to bother you, John.

No problem. ls everything all right?

Yeah, yeah, it's just that...

I was upstairs alone in my place thinking

that you were down here alone in your place and...

And what?

And suddenly, I just felt like...

Like what? Felt like what?

Like I had to do this.

What the hell was that?

Mr. Pearson, here's a piece of advice.

If you're gonna go camping,

either learn what poison ivy looks like

or bring toilet paper, you moron.

That must have been hard to look at.

Another ass with a rash.

Part of the glamour I call my life.

John, I put insurance forms on your desk three days ago.

Did you sign them yet?

You know, I hate it when you ask questions

you already know the answer to.

Do you really?

Yeah, see, right there, you're doing it again.

- Forget it.

You're late.

I'm sorry, Margaret, but it's not my fault.

My taxi was hit by a runaway hot dog cart.

Of all the lame excuses.

It's the truth! I'm lucky to be alive.

Yesterday, the president's motorcade broke down,

and he ran inside to use your toilet.

Okay, that wasn't true.

Oh, the day before that...

All right, I lie all the time!

But this is clearly not a lie.

My lies have flair and imagination.

This whole hot dog story is beneath me.

Ooh, what is that smell?

Hot dog juice! I'm covered in it.

Go ahead, taste my coat!

Ooh. Oh, my God, you really were in accident.

Are you all right?

My head hurts, and I smell like a big wiener.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, well, I'm all right now, but not for long.

Yesterday my purse was stolen, and now this.

That's two down, one to go.

I'm in big trouble, Margaret.

What are you talking about?

Bad things always happen in threes.

Celebrities die in threes.

Three on a match is bad luck.

Three strikes, and you're out.

That's from baseball.

Oh, well, thank you for clearing that up.

But, Linda, this whole notion

of bad things happening in threes,

that's just a silly superstition.

Oh, tell that to my Great Aunt Hildie

who fell off Mount Everest after being kicked by a yak.

That's only two bad things.

The yak kicked her twice.

Lord, give me strength.

You said it, sister.

I need all the help I can get.

What are you doing?

Wishing I'd closed that door.

Well, if you're looking for something to do,

perhaps you can, uh, finish these insurance forms

like I asked you to.

Fine. Doctor John Leave-Me-The-Hell-Alone.

There. Happy now?

You've been barking at people all morning.

What's wrong with you?

If I wanted to talk about it, I'd talk about it,

but I don't want to talk about it.

Fine.

Can't you tell I want to talk about it?

You are such a child.

Okay, what is it?

You ever have bad dreams?

Well, sometimes I dream that I'm trapped

beneath a giant blob of mashed potatoes,

but then I wake up and find Lewis on top of me.

Well, at least that got the picture

of Mr. Pearson's blistered ass out of my head.

Well, John, if you're having restless nights,

maybe you should just lay off the Chinese takeout before bed.

It's not indigestion. It's something else.

I keep having this...

dream about Chris.

What kind of dream?

Oh!

That kind of dream.

Yes, that kind of dream,

and I know what you're going to say.

That I like her, but I don't.

When was the last time you had...

Eight months ago,

not that it's any of your business.

Well, I was going to say,

"When was the last time you had a cigarette?"

But that does explain all the bad mornings.

Um... I quit smoking three weeks ago.

My guess is you're probably just craving nicotine

and your-your mind is making you think that it's something else.

- You think so? -Mm-hmm.

Why don't you just go on the patch? Maybe that'll help.

No, no, I'll just tough it out.

--Oh, come on, John.

Why don't you for once in your life do something easy,

if not for you, then for those of us who have to be around you?

Come on, I know you got some samples around here somewhere.

--Linda, the phone!

Oh, yeah, here's one. Roll up your sleeve.

--You know...

- Margaret, I don't think I... -Oh, come on! Give it a try.

--It's free!

Your favorite four-letter word.

It's not my favorite, but it's right up there.

--Linda, answer

the damn phone, will you?

I can't. It could be bad thing number three.

Shocking. I have no idea what she's talking about.

Yes, Dr. John Becker here.

All right, thanks very much.

That's the lab. Their fax machine broke.

Run over and, uh, bring the test results back, will you, please?

Oh, no, no, I can't do that.

What if I get to the lab and no one's at the front desk?

I'll have to walk into the back to find somebody.

Next thing I know, I walk into

the wrong room, the door slams shut,

and I'm stuck in the freezer with all the hearts.

Linda, if you don't want to do it, just say so.

Oh... I didn't know I could do that.

I don't want to do it.

Hey, guys.

- Hey, how's it going? -Hey, John.

Chris, can I get some coffee, please?

Just give me a second, honey, I'll be right with you.

What the hell was that about?

What the hell was what about?

Uh... nothing, nothing.

Just coffee, please.

Ow!

Everything I put in my mouth just kills me.

Becker, you're a doctor.

Do me a favor, take a look in here, will you?

I'd rather die.

Come on, Becker, I got something in my mouth.

I don't know if it's a canker sore or an abscess,

or maybe it's a boil.

That's disgusting.

- You want to feel it? -No!

Uh, John, as long as you're giving free medical advice...

Yeah, I-I-I'm not. I'm trying to have lunch here.

No, come on, this'll just take a second.

There's something you got to look at.

All right, I got this irritation under my pants.

Now, it's-it's right where the waist band

of my underwear hits my skin...

Jake, I'm not looking in your underwear.

Well, I'm not wearing underwear.

It's too uncomfortable, so if you could

just take a look at it real quick...

Hey, you know, forget it!

You know, on the off chance my appetite comes back,

can I have a turkey sandwich, please?

Unless, of course, you've got

something that needs medical attention, too.

Well, now that you mention it, my stomach's been feeling weird.

It's not really an ache as much as a dull pain.

For God's sake, you know...

I only have to care about people when I'm at the office.

Oh!

- I think it just burst!

Make that sandwich to go.

Oh, come on, Becker, just eyeball this thing!

Come on, John, just reach into my pants.

You don't have to look.

J-Just give it a little feel.

Aw, geez!

Come on, guys, you heard him.

He's on a break. Leave him alone.

Thank you.

I mean, you work so hard,

and everyone asks so much of you.

You're only one person.

Doesn't anybody think about your needs?

- No, no, they don't. -Yeah.

You must be so stressed out.

I wish I could take you away

and show you how to really relax.

I bet that feels better.

Huh?

What did you just say?

I said here's your sandwich.

Oh. A lot of good that did.

Who is it?

It's Chris.

Just a second.

Hi. What's going on?

Sorry to bother you, John.

No problem. Everything all right?

Yeah, yeah, it's just that... I was upstairs alone

in my place thinking that you're probably

down here alone in your place, and...

And what?

And I suddenly just felt like...

Like what? Felt like what?

Like I needed to do this.

I don't know if this is such a good idea.

Shh.

Oh, it's awfully hot in here.

Oh, this... this is crazy.

I got to wake up.

Okay, in a minute.

- My mouth hurts. -Look in my pants.

- Hey, I was here first. -We came here together.

- Help me! Help me! Help me! -Help me! Help me!

Help me!

This cream the doctor prescribed doesn't work!

So nice to see you again, Mrs. Weigand.

Seems like you were just here yesterday.

Well, I was here yesterday, and every other day this week.

My rash came back!

Do you know how annoying that is?

Yes, I know how annoying it is

when you think something has gone away

and it just keeps coming back bothering you.

Why don't you just go back to room one.

The doctor will be with you in a moment.

Well, I hope so. Because I don't mind telling you

that I have better things to do than to come here day after day.

It's a big pain in the ass!

Yes, you are.

I know I'm late,

but I had to walk here all the way from Manhattan.

Oh, please don't tell me

that this is about that silly superstition.

It's not a superstition. It's real.

Bad luck comes in threes.

Look it up in the dictionary.

Under what?

Under all those other books over there.

Wait. So, you walked here?

Well, I couldn't very well take public transportation.

Buses collide, trains crash, bridges collapse.

So, instead, you thought it was safer to walk through

some of the most dangerous neighborhoods in New York?

Well, I couldn't very well run in these heels.

Oh, God, help me.

Just take Mr. Maggie back to room two and get his vitals.

I don't think so.

Now, how could that be dangerous?

Mr. Maggie's cute.

So am I. He'd ask me out.

But then he'd end up breaking my heart.

Then I'd grow old and bitter and die alone

in an apartment full of cats.

And as you know, I'm allergic to cats.

Okay, okay, enough.

This whole thing has just gone far enough.

I mean, look how this is upsetting you.

You are pale, you are shaking, and-and you're breaking out.

I'm what?

It's a pimple.

Margaret, I have a pimple.

- So? -So, that's fantastic.

That's bad thing number three. It's over.

Oh, this is gonna be huge!

I am so happy fOI' YOU-

Now will you please take Mr. Maggie back to room two?

And let him see me like this? I don't think so.

The bad news is Mrs. Weigand is in room one.

Her rash is back.

It's red and irritating.

That is also the good news.

Now, I know that's not nice, but I hate her.

Margaret, I don't treat Mrs. Weigand because I like her.

I treat her because she has great insurance.

- Dr. Becker! - Oh, brother.

You look tired. Are you all right?

Oh, yeah, I'm just not getting enough sleep.

I'm still having those stupid dreams.

- Even with the patch? -Oh, it didn't help.

It has nothing to do with nicotine anyway.

Obviously, I still have feelings for Chris.

Well, then, why don't you talk to her about it?

Talk's not going to do any good.

She doesn't feel the same way.

I'm just gonna have to move on.

It's as simple as that.

Dr. Becker?!

I know just how you feel.

When I was in nursing school,

I had some pretty intense feelings

for a nurse in my class.

Margaret, I had no idea you...

A male nurse.

Dr. Becker, I'm waiting!

Oh, Walter was so great.

Oh, he was smart, handsome, funny.

We used to practice taking each other's blood pressure,

and when he would take mine, I swear, it would just shoot

right through the roof.

But the problem was, he didn't feel the same way.

ls anybody gonna help me?!

Excuse me.

So, how long did it take you to get over this-this Walter guy?

If I ever do, I'll let you know.

Well, that's a horrible story.

How's that supposed to make me feel better?

Dr. Becker, where the hell are you?!

Lord, have mercy.

The point is, unrequited love is a bitch.

And so is Mrs. Weigand.

Hey, Jake. Chris here?

Uh, no, she went to the drugstore

to get something for her stomach.

Good.

"Good" meaning you're happy she's not feeling well?

No, "good"--just, I don't want to see her right now.

Oh, is there something going on between you two?

Well, you know, keep it to yourself.

But I-l...

I keep having this dream about Chris.

What, you mean that kind of dream?

Wh-Why does everybody ask me that?

Do you think I'd be upset if I had a dream

where Chris and I were at Macy's shopping for luggage?

- Of course, one of those dreams. -All right, all right.

Take it easy. I'm just trying to make sure here.

- Well, pay attention, then. -Okay.

In the dream, she comes to my apartment, and we start kissing,

and there's some groping.

It's awful. I mean, what do you think it means?

Well, if it's awful, it means you're gay.

No...

No, no, it's awful because if I'm dreaming about her,

it means I still like her.

And she doesn't feel the same way.

Well, what are you going to do about it?

Th-There's nothing I can do.

It's just like Walter, you know.

I'm going to be obsessing for the next 25 years.

Who's Walter?

A nurse.

Excuse me?

It's a long story.

I hope so.

Hey, guys. What's up?

- Oh, nothing. -Nothing.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. What was that about?

The minute I walked in here, you guys stopped talking.

Were you talking about me?

- No. -No.

Well, what were you talking about?

- Weather. -Baseball.

Baseball weather.

Wait a minute, so it is me.

What is it, my cologne? My leather jacket?

My Cabbage Patch dolls?

Excuse me?

What, they're a good investment, okay?

And they have names, so you can't just throw them out.

Come on, we don't keep secrets. We're friends.

No one's going to judge you, right?

Okay, okay, well, John's having dreams about Chris.

Loser .

Why don't you quit banging your head against the wall?

The woman's made it perfectly clear

that she wants absolutely nothing to do with you.

So why don't you just take the hint and get over her.

Why don't you mind your own business?

I can do that. Or...

I can give you some advice and help you out.

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna take advice from you?

Uh, you know, when it comes to women not liking you,

who knows better than Bob?

All right... what do you think I should do?

Simple.

Every woman has a certain something special about her

that's disgusting.

All you have to do is find out

what that is and obsess about it.

I mean, the way she talks, walks, eats.

Does she have a club foot, a hump, a walleye, a mono-brow,

maybe even a hairy birthmark.

Whatever it is, just blow it out of proportion

until that's all she is to you.

What else you got, you idiot?

Well, you can always try and find her mother and see

-if she's got a big ass. -What?

Well, you know, that way, you'll know if you dodged a bullet.

Yeah, but what... what if her mother's got a great ass?

Then you hit on the mother. What do you want from me?

Go. Just go, will you?

All right, look, you-you want to get rid

of every feeling you've ever had for her?

Marry her.

Loser .

Well, you-you could go Bob's way,

take a trip to Buffalo and size up her mom's ass,

or-- and I know this may sound crazy--

you could just tell her how you feel.

I can't tell her the truth, Jake.

No, Bob's right-- I've been down that road,

and it leads to very bad things.

I don't want to be humiliated again.

Yeah, but what if she has the same feelings for you?

Well, then she's just gonna have to put herself out there.

She's gonna have to tell me.

That's never gonna happen.

So I guess the next best thing

is just to obsess over something that I hate about her.

Like what?

That's the problem-- I can't think of anything.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Hi.

I'm sorry to bother you,

but I was upstairs and you're down here,

and I just started to have these feelings.

Yeah, what kind of feelings?

- I just... -What?

I just feel like...

What?

I just feel like I need to...

Oh, sure, yeah, yeah, this time it had to be real.

I'm sorry, John.

What are you talking about?

What do you have to be sorry for?

Your carpet.

Oh, I'll have it cleaned. Yeah.

And don't you worry about the bill...

till you're feeling better.

Anyway, you know, it's me who should be apologizing here.

I mean, you told me your stomach hurt two days ago.

I didn't take it seriously.

Wh-Why didn't you tell me it was this bad?

I thought it would get better.

Yeah, well, appendicitis doesn't get better on its own.

I can't believe you've been walking around

in this kind of pain.

Am I going to be okay?

Oh, sure, you are.

This is just a very routine operation.

I'm going to be with you every minute. I promise.

- You're shivering. -I know.

I asked them to give me a blanket.

- I don't know what happened. -Well, you know what?

I'll get you one. I'm a doctor.

You know, there's a trick about

getting what you want in a hospital.

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, sorry, I thought you were asleep, pal.

And how are we feeling?

I don't know about you, but I feel like crap.

Well, this will help with the pain.

It's Demerol, and it takes effect almost immediately.

- Oh, thanks. -You're welcome.

Okay, I'll be back soon.

We're almost ready to take you down.

I told you I'd find one.

Guy I took it from was cold.

Take a lot more than a blanket to warm him up.

John?

Yeah?

What, are you going to throw up again?

- No. -Oh.

I love you.

What'd you just say?

I love you.

Really?

I never thought I'd hear you say that.

I mean, after all we've been through, I...

Oh, wow, you know, I...

you know, I-l kind of feel...

You know, I've been thinking about you.

I can't get you out of my mind.

I've been dreaming about you.

Well...

I guess this means I-I-I think I love you, too.

No, I... I do.

My God, I love you.

Well...

You know, this is kind of a big deal.

And how are we feeling?

I love you.

Ready to 9°'?

I love you.

I love you, too.

I love you.

One shot of Demerol, they love everything.

I love you.

Loser .