Original subtitles

How the hell's a person supposed to quit smoking

when every time you turn on the damn TV, there...

there's a commercial with beautiful people

happily sucking on a cigarette?

They don't have cigarette commercials anymore.

Yeah, I know, I know.

They were great, though, weren't they?

I feel for you, Becker.

I mean, you drift through life alone

till you find something that makes you happy,

and then one day, it's just taken away from you

for no good reason.

Nudie bar on the corner still padlocked?

Those girls were just trying to earn a living.

Oh, hey. Here comes Jake.

How's he doing since Amanda left him?

He seems better.

Hey, guys.

What happened to your voice?

Oh, I was up all night crying and screaming, "Why me?"

I still can't believe Amanda's out of my life forever.

Well, now, come on. You don't know that.

She might have a change of heart.

She had an affair and ran off to marry the guy in Vegas.

Diner.

Roger!

Oh, you're kidding!

Oh, no, that's only a block from here.

Of course I want to see you.

Get over here!

My ex-husband's coming over!

Uh, how do I look?

Well, look who suddenly cares how she looks.

Look who should start.

No, seriously. You know, why would you care to impress

some guy you're not with anymore?

Well, I still care what he thinks. I like him.

The only reason we split up is 'cause he wanted

to keep traveling around and I wanted to settle down.

I mean, it's not like he had an affair

and ran off with someone else.

Oh, sorry... sorry, Jake.

- So, Becker... -Yeah?

- You curious to check this guy out? -No. Why would I be?

Well, I'm just saying, if I asked someone out

and got rejected over and over and over...

- What's your point? -...and over...

I would want to know who made the cut.

I mean, they had an amazing life together.

They traveled all over the world.

Did you know they had sex in 29 different countries?

This one time, they were in

-a gondola in Venice... -She told you that?

Hey, you don't just leave your journal in your purse

if you don't want anybody to read it.

Oh, my God. Becker, check out Roger.

He's gorgeous!

Um... excuse... excuse me?

Could I, uh, get by? Thanks.

Uh, is Chris Connor here?

Roger?

- Oh, hey! -Hey, hi! Oh...

That's Roger?

- He's, like, eight years old. -Gosh, it's great to see you.

You-you look great!

Well, so do you, so do you.

Well, so, what are you doing here?

Oh, well, I'm flying to Australia.

Had a one-day stopover. Figured I'd check up on you.

Oh, well, here I am.

Yes, and look at you.

- Yeah. -Look at you with your...

your fancy restaurant and your...

...cash register and your...

...right to refuse service to anyone.

Hey, Becker, I got something in my nose?

Which reminds me...

Roger, this is, uh, Bob, John and Jake.

- Hey. -How you doing? -How's it going?

So, uh... so sit down. Have a cup of coffee.

Oh, actually, I can't. I've got to do

some errands in the city.

But I thought you could come with me.

- Maybe we could catch up. -Oh... oh, I don't know.

Uh, there's usually a breakfast rush, and...

Who am I kidding? They're already here.

Uh... Jake, watch the place for me, will you?

I'll do my best.

Oh, man, that's great.

Why? Because her ex-husband

is less Indiana Jones and more Harry Potter?

No, no. You know, it's not a competition.

You know, I'm sure he's got interesting quali...

Yeah, that's it.

Harry Potter!

Margaret, you're not going to believe this.

I just drove up, and there it was,

just sitting in the street, waiting for me to take it.

You mean that tie? Because, frankly, I don't see

-who'd fight you for it. -What...?

No, no, no, no, no, the parking spot out front.

- Oh, so you finally got it? -Yeah.

What's it been, ten years?

More like 11.

That bastard Grapelli keeps parking his bakery truck there

every morning at 4:00 a.m.

Leaves it there all day for spite.

But not today. Today it's mine.

No offense, but you're getting way too excited

over a parking spot.

Get a girlfriend.

Trust me,

he's never wanted a woman as much as he wanted that spot.

All in all, it's been a pretty good morning.

What else happened?

You find a quarter at a pay phone?

No, I said "good," not great.

Actually, I met, uh, Chris's ex-doofus...

I mean, husband.

Boy, I'll tell you, wait till you see him.

I just don't get it.

Anyway, pay attention here.

It's up to the two of you

to keep that meter fed all day long, all right?

Oh, God, I can't wait for Grapelli to come out

and see my car in his spot.

It's gonna kill him.

Seriously, get a girlfriend.

No, it's okay, Vanessa.

You-you don't have to take me out to dinner.

Yeah, I don't much feel like going out...

or eating...

or living.

I don't get it.

That's like the fifth time that woman's called.

She's totally hitting on you.

Yeah, I guess. I-l don't care.

How can a woman find that attractive?

I mean, you're like an abandoned puppy.

You just sit there and whimper.

Wait a minute.

Bob's formulating a theory.

I've been going about this all wrong.

My whole life, I've been covering up my faults,

-trying to be cool. -It didn't work.

Did I say that it worked?

That's my point.

Women say they want cool,

but what they really want is some pathetic slob

to cradle in their bosom.

- And that's you? -Are you kidding me?

I reek pathetic.

I sweat failure.

Becker, I just had a great idea.

Huh. First one's always exciting, isn't it?

Chris around?

No. She and Roger haven't come back yet.

Since this morning?

- Mm-hmm. -Oh, that's right.

He's-he's going away on a trip.

Yeah, she probably had to sew name tags in his underwear.

Sounds like it bothers you.

- It doesn't bother me. -Oh.

Hey, Jake, sorry I'm late.

We stopped for coffee, and once we started talking,

I completely lost track of time.

Go figure, she finds me fascinating.

So what are you going to be doing in Australia, Roger?

A friend of mine and I, uh, we built this boat.

We're just going to sail around a little.

Oh, you built it yourself? What is it,

a rowboat, a raft, Tom Sawyer kind of thing?

Uh, no, it's more like a 50-foot catamaran kind of thing.

- Wow. That sounds impressive. -Mmm.

Yeah, Roger doesn't like to brag,

but he raced in the '95 America's Cup.

Oh.

Well, you know, once, in college,

we took a road trip to Vermont.

Oh, oh, that-that was the end of that story?

No, no, no. We drove all night.

We saw the sun come up.

Well, there's something you don't see every day.

Oh, wait, yes, yes, you do. Um...

anyway, uh, listen, I've got, uh...

I got a lot of things to do before I leave, so...

Oh, wait, Roger, uh, here's my key.

- It's apartment 4B. -Oh.

Right. See you later.

- Road trip. Cool. -Mm.

So, Roger's staying with you, is he?

Yeah, it's just one night.

- Why waste money on a hotel? -Yeah, exactly.

You probably have a lot to catch up on.

You know, it's a good idea.

- I'm glad you think so. -Well, I do, I do.

- Liar. -Shut up.

Uh, hey, why is John

sitting on his car, giving the finger

to that guy in the bakery?

Be glad you weren't here ten minutes ago.

He mooned him. It wasn't pretty.

Well, anyway, here's your lunch.

So, John said your ex-husband is in town.

Yeah, just till tomorrow.

Ooh, sex with an ex is amazing.

Once you don't care about each other,

it really frees you up.

Well, he is spending the night,

but sleeping together-- probably not the best idea.

Oh, so that's why you split up.

'Cause the sex is bad.

Oh, no... Linda,

people break up for all kinds of reasons.

Like they, uh... they fight constantly.

'Cause the sex is bad.

No. Sometimes they just grow apart.

'Cause the sex is bad.

Actually, that wasn't the case with us.

In fact, with Roger, it was quite the opposite.

Oh, really? Mmm...

We just had this chemistry.

He was sensitive, spontaneous.

It was mind-blowing.

I know that feeling.

Really?

Fine. I remember that feeling.

There was... there was just

something incredible about Roger.

You know, I remember this one time...

Hey, Grapelli!

You're gonna die waiting for that parking spot!

And then I'm gonna take a cab to your funeral

so I still don't have to move my car!

Ha! God, this is fun.

That was a little harsh, don't you think?

Oh, I was just kidding. No way I'd go to his funeral.

So, where's the ex?

Just hanging out at my place.

Oh, yeah? Without a babysitter?

Ah. Ah, yes, because he's younger than you.

But then again, who isn't?

Um... see you later.

Have a good night.

- Oh, stop it!

What-what was that all about?

It's about sex with Chris and her ex-husband.

It was amazing. Actually, he was amazing.

Hey, you know, I don't want to hear about this.

You know, just because he's staying there

doesn't mean something's going to happen.

I don't know. She said he's "incredible."

I think she said "mind-blowing."

Now, exactly when did sex go from an expression of intimacy

between two people to an Olympic sport?

I mean, suddenly, it's not good enough you love someone?

Now you have to have skills?

What...? You know, what's... what's next?

A spiraling body twist with a quadruple dismount?

Make sure you stretch before you try that.

Oh, you remember those massages we got

at that resort in Costa Rica?

How could I forget?

- The one with the all-nude beach? -Yeah.

I still can't get the image

-of that volleyball game out of my mind. -Oh!

I thought that woman was going to knock herself out.

- Yeah.

Hey!

John?

Oh, right. Road Trip. Uh, wh-what are you doing here?

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

- Well, yeah, actually... -Good, good, good, good.

You know, I was going to have this, uh, movie night.

You know, I got, uh... got some videos,

some beer, some Mexican food.

But then my-my VCR went out.

And then I thought about you guys

up here all by yourself alone, and I thought:

Well, hell, don't be selfish.

Come on up here and let's have a party.

Anyway, I got, uh... I got some nachos,

I got some guacamole,

I got bean and cheese burritos...

I mean, sure makes your breath stink,

but then who's kissing who around here, right?

- Ho! Ah, okay. -Oh...

Well, this sure is cozy.

Oh, don't you just love this movie?

I remember...

I remember once in college,

we had this Dirty Dozen marathon.

We actually watched it a dozen times in a row.

Wow, you guys were renegades.

Yeah.

Yeah, we were pretty out there.

Okay, what do we got next here?

All right, we got Platoon, Deer Hunter...

Wait, wait, no, no.

No, in that whole stack of videos,

you don't have one romance movie?

You know, it just didn't seem like that kind of night to me.

No, I... I am not sitting through another war.

- I'm going to bed. I... -All... all right.

- Good night. -Good night.

Boy, she's no fun, is she?

You want a beer?

- Let me ask you a question. -Yeah?

Are, uh... are-are you and Chris going out?

What?

Well, you coming over here, the food, the-the movies,

the sitting between us on the couch.

I got the feeling you were trying to keep us apart.

Oh, no, no, no, no, I just like to have fun.

I'm a... I'm a... a people person.

Yeah. Yeah, that's, uh... that's how you struck me.

So... so, if you're not seeing her,

is she dating anybody else?

I really don't know.

I try to stay out of other people's business.

Well, if you're not dating her and neither is anybody else,

maybe I've got a chance.

What? No, what are... what are you talking about?

No, you had your chance.

You're divorced. Those are the rules.

Look, all I know is, I'm getting a feeling from her

that there's still something going on between us.

I mean, she seemed really happy to see me.

Well, that's probably the-the medication.

- The medication? -Oh, yeah.

The therapy alone's not doing it.

- Wait, she's-she's in therapy? -Well, not that...

You know, three, four times a week.

Look, you know, I don't know what went on

between the two of you, but...

apparently some damage was done, my friend.

Well, you know what I think, my friend?

I think you're full of it.

I think you did come up here to keep us apart

because you like her and suddenly I'm a threat.

Wham? See, I don't... where are you getting that?

- Come on, have a beer. Chill. -You know what?

I got... I got a long flight ahead of me.

Wh-Why don't we call it a night?

No, no, you see, that's all the more reason to stay up.

- You can sleep on the plane. Come on, look.

--I got Apocalypse Now,

Platoon, Deer Hunter...

--Is that your cell phone?

Oh, it's nothing, you know, probably just business.

Aren't you a doctor?

Fine, fine, I'll get it.

What?

Yes, this is Dr. Becker.

Well, how do you know you have an ulcer?

Are you a doctor?

Oh. Well, see, you were wrong.

That'd be a bleeding ulcer.

All right, I'll meet you in the emergency room, you big baby.

Gotta run, huh? That's too bad.

Well, you know, what if I come back afterwards...

That's okay. I'm sure I'll be in bed by then.

What?

- Hey, Jake. -Hey, buddy.

You have a good night?

Is that your way of saying you did

and you want to brag about it?

Sure is.

Remember that girl Vanessa that kept calling?

Well, she stopped by the house with a bottle of wine.

Said she wanted to get my mind off Amanda,

and I'll be damned if she didn't do just that.

So I was right-- women are attracted

to lonely, pathetic guys.

In fact,

a cute blonde just walked in.

I'm going to test this theory out.

Just hope I can pull it off.

What, pathetic and lonely? You can do that in your sleep.

Thanks, buddy.

Excuse me.

Couldn't help noticing you were sitting alone.

Mind if I join you?

Please do.

I'm Bob.

Susan.

So, what do you do, Bob?

At the moment, I'm sort of... recovering.

From alcohol?

Broken heart.

- Oh. -And alcohol.

That is so sad.

I know how you feel.

You're lonely and desperate, right?

You picked up on that?

I knew you were desperate the second you sat down.

- Nah, you're just saying that. -No.

I mean it.

You're one of the most pathetic guys I've ever met.

Gee, thanks, Susan.

Boy, you really get me.

Listen, Bob, I wish I could stay and talk

and really get to know you, but I have to be somewhere.

If I gave you my number, would you call me?

At least 17 times a day.

Good.

Bye.

See you.

Did you hear that, Jake?

It worked like a charm.

- She's totally into me. -Yeah, sounded that way.

- She gave you her number, right? -Yep.

- Right here on her business card. -Oh, cool.

- Where does she work? -At the...

Suicide Hotline.

I'm-I'm sorry, Bob.

Sorry? Don't be sorry.

She's cute, she gave me her number,

and those people aren't allowed to hang up on you.

She could be the one.

Hey, Becker, I just got a woman's number.

Call her quick before she changes it.

Hey, Chris. Chris!

Can I get some coffee out here, please?

Oh. Fun's over.

Hey, Road Trip, how's it going?

Uh, listen, Chris, you know, I would love to stay,

but I have got to get a cab to the airport.

Oh, gee, I'd like to drive you, but, uh...

I got this really great parking spot.

Oh, I always think there's

going to be more to your stories.

- Roger, have a great time in Australia. -Oh.

Oh, so good to see you. I'm going to miss you.

Well, you wouldn't have to if you came with me.

- Wh at? -Wh at?

Come on, come on, this place?

This isn't for you.

- You can't be happy here. -HaPPV?

Of course she's happy. She loves it here.

Just the other day, she said, "John, I love it here."

- John... -l-l... Fine, fine, I'll go.

Just so you know,

Australia has the deadliest spiders in the world.

Information, you know, file it away.

Listen, Chris,

I've given this a lot of thought, and...

I mean it, come with me.

You know, even if I wanted to, I can't just leave.

I'm settled here.

So take a vacation. Come for two weeks.

Roger, please, I-l can't.

No, I-l... really, I can't.

Okay, you need time to think.

Take a ride with me to the airport.

We'll talk about it on the way, okay?

No, no, no, I can't. I...

Okay. Okay, but just to the airport.

That's as far as I go.

That's cute. You said the same thing on our first date.

Margaret, Dr. Becker's car is gone.

They must have towed it.

Why didn't you put money in the meter?

It was already gone when I got here.

Besides, it was your turn to feed the meter.

I know, I was all ready.

I left my clothes out, I put the coffee pot on a timer.

I even set three alarm clocks.

So what happened?

- I didn't sleep at home. -Oh.

You have to tell him you forgot.

Why would I do that?

Because he's going to kill me when he finds out.

Please, Margaret? Please, please, please?

Oh, all right. I'll tell him I forgot.

He's not going to fire me. I know too much.

Oh! Thank you, Margaret.

I'll never forget this.

You saved my life.

It was her fault. She got your car towed.

She forgot to put money in the meter.

- Linda... -You're a saint, Margaret.

She the irresponsible one, not me.

Doesn't matter.

That's it? That's all she gets?

You're not going to yell at her?

So they towed it. You know, who cares?

Maybe it doesn't even belong in the Bronx.

Maybe it'd be better off in Australia.

Probably be happier.

You know, I don't care!

That's strange.

Yeah, he didn't care.

You know what, I'll take the blame for this one.

You get the next one, okay?

- Hey. -What the hell is the matter with you?!

This morning at the diner, you wouldn't leave us alone,

and then last night, that whole routine

with the food and the videos. What was that all about?

All right, you're not going to tell me? I'll tell you.

You were up there because you're jealous.

- Of what? -Roger. Just admit it.

You were afraid if you left us alone,

we'd knock one off for old times' sake.

So did you?

None of your business.

Fine, you know what, I don't care!

The only reason why I went up there

was to save you from yourself.

Oh. Oh, oh, this ought to be good. No, go, go, go.

Oh, please, from the moment the guy walked in,

you were all over him.

"Ooh, my ex-husband's here. How do I look?"

"Stay in my apartment."

Oh, come... It's painfully obvious,

you don't understand the rules of divorce.

There are rules?

Please, enlighten me.

It's a classic rookie mistake to... to look at your ex

and only remember the good.

You can't skip over resentment and hate.

Those are the cornerstones of a successful divorce!

So if you were with one of your ex-wives,

you wouldn't mind if I barged in on you?

They would never come here. They know the rules.

They hate me, as they should.

Well, Roger and I happen to care

-about each other very much. -Oh, yeah, right.

You know, you care about each other so much,

how come you're not on your way to Australia?

I have my reasons.

Name one.

Fine. Fine.

I didn't go for the same reason we got divorced--

because I am ready to settle down and he's not.

Ah, oh, right, yeah,

and it has absolutely nothing to do with me.

- Right? Uh-huh. -Oh, my God!

Yeah, you're not going to Australia

'cause you still have feelings for me.

- You are crazy! I... -You're just afraid to admit it.

- Come on, you big chicken. -I... I have...

- Admit it! Admit it! -I... I... I just...

--Wait... Oh!

Do you really think

I'd make a life-changing decision based on you?!

I can't even believe there's enough room in here

me, you and your ego!

Good night!

- W-W-Wait, wait... -Don't you... Good night!

Stay here for him!

Oh, my God, what was I thinking?