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1
00:00:22,923 --> 00:00:25,062
Chris, give me some coffee,
couple of eggs,
2
00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:28,503
some hash browns, white toast,
and some bacon.
3
00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:30,006
What's going on?
Where's Chris?
4
00:00:30,130 --> 00:00:31,438
She's in the back
with the fire marshal.
5
00:00:31,565 --> 00:00:33,169
He dropped in
for a surprise inspection.
6
00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:36,076
Oh, well,
this place is a firetrap.
7
00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:37,841
If he shuts it down,
I'm going to have to find
8
00:00:37,971 --> 00:00:38,881
some other place to eat.
9
00:00:39,006 --> 00:00:41,077
Oh, this is not good
for me at all.
10
00:00:41,208 --> 00:00:43,449
Now, why is it whenever
something in the world happens,
11
00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:44,920
suddenly it's all about you?
12
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:47,548
Suddenly?
It's always been that way.
13
00:00:47,681 --> 00:00:49,183
You know,
this affects us, too, Becker.
14
00:00:49,316 --> 00:00:51,023
What's your point?
15
00:00:52,152 --> 00:00:53,790
In my defense, I had no idea
16
00:00:53,921 --> 00:00:55,161
that was a sprinkler system.
17
00:00:55,289 --> 00:00:57,929
L-I just used it to hang pots.
18
00:00:58,058 --> 00:01:00,368
Well, I'm gonna have
to write you up.
19
00:01:00,494 --> 00:01:02,440
You got to get those sprinklers
in working order.
20
00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,634
Oh, come on, I'm very
careful around here.
21
00:01:04,765 --> 00:01:06,836
I have to be.
I don't have any insurance.
22
00:01:08,502 --> 00:01:11,073
Besides, it's going to be
expensive enough to fix this.
23
00:01:11,204 --> 00:01:13,775
If I have to pay a fine, too,
it's just gonna break me.
24
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:18,253
Listen, lady, there's nothing
I can do about that.
25
00:01:20,213 --> 00:01:21,817
You know what?
26
00:01:21,949 --> 00:01:25,226
L-I'm sorry I lost my temper.
27
00:01:25,352 --> 00:01:27,229
You-you were just
doing your job.
28
00:01:27,354 --> 00:01:29,129
I mean, what if there
really were a fire?
29
00:01:29,256 --> 00:01:30,826
Then she could throw some food
on the flames
30
00:01:30,958 --> 00:01:33,234
and cook us breakfast.
31
00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:35,465
I, for one,
just want to say thank you.
32
00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:37,507
You may have saved our lives.
33
00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:39,406
Oh, you work it, girl.
34
00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:41,604
Yeah, well, we inspectors
always get overlooked.
35
00:01:41,735 --> 00:01:42,975
And it's not fair.
36
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:45,811
It's those damn hook-and-ladder
guys get all the glory.
37
00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:48,681
Oh. Well, if you ask me,
it's you guys
38
00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:52,518
with-with the clipboards who...
who are the real heroes.
39
00:01:52,646 --> 00:01:56,253
If I'd actually had anything
to eat, I'd throw up.
40
00:01:56,383 --> 00:01:59,262
So, uh... so I'll take care
of everything.
41
00:01:59,386 --> 00:02:01,798
And, again,
thanks for looking out for me.
42
00:02:01,922 --> 00:02:03,833
Yeah, well,
I-l was just doing my job.
43
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:06,130
I'll tell you what.
You've been very nice.
44
00:02:06,259 --> 00:02:08,000
Uh, you fix the sprinklers,
45
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,835
-we'll forget about the ticket.
-Oh!
46
00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:11,306
How sweet is that.
47
00:02:11,431 --> 00:02:12,637
Oh, thank you.
48
00:02:12,766 --> 00:02:14,973
Thank you.
I'll take care of everything.
49
00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:20,012
Oh-ho... Oh, brother.
50
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,778
"It's you guys
with the clipboards.
51
00:02:21,908 --> 00:02:23,012
You're the real heroes."
52
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:25,521
"Thank you
for looking out for me."
53
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:28,286
"You should see me
without a top on."
54
00:02:28,415 --> 00:02:29,860
I never said that.
55
00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:31,394
I think it was implied.
56
00:02:31,518 --> 00:02:32,895
That's unbelievable.
57
00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:34,556
You just flirted your way
out of a ticket.
58
00:02:34,688 --> 00:02:36,998
No, I-l was not flirting.
I was just being friendly.
59
00:02:37,124 --> 00:02:39,161
Oh, come on, even I can see
you were all over that guy.
60
00:02:39,292 --> 00:02:40,532
- Oh...
- Women like you
61
00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:42,641
are the reason why I get
all those traffic tickets.
62
00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:44,538
Oh, yeah, right.
I can't wait to hear this.
63
00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:46,542
No, no, you flirt your way out
of them, then the cops
64
00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:48,613
have to make their quota
by giving tickets to men.
65
00:02:48,735 --> 00:02:49,770
You know something?
66
00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:51,507
I bet I could get out
of a ticket, too,
67
00:02:51,638 --> 00:02:53,549
if I had breasts.
68
00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,779
Just give it a few years.
69
00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:07,996
How would you like it
if I went to your office
70
00:03:08,121 --> 00:03:11,625
and used your front steps
as a toilet?!
71
00:03:11,758 --> 00:03:13,635
Stupid dog.
72
00:03:15,662 --> 00:03:17,608
Good morning.
Mr. Whit-ford is waiting
73
00:03:17,731 --> 00:03:19,506
-for you in one.
-What's he want?
74
00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:22,443
To bask in the warmth
of your sunny disposition.
75
00:03:22,569 --> 00:03:25,072
That was good.
76
00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:28,785
And completely inappropriate.
77
00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:31,082
Oh, listen, Margaret, uh,
78
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:32,690
there's a nosy fire marshal
79
00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:34,520
going around the neighborhood
handing out fines.
80
00:03:34,648 --> 00:03:36,719
If he comes here,
all you got to do is bat
81
00:03:36,850 --> 00:03:38,193
your eyelashes at him
and, you know,
82
00:03:38,318 --> 00:03:39,422
throw him a flirty compliment.
83
00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:41,590
Linda, just, uh...
84
00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:42,826
yeah, stand there and wear that.
85
00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:46,928
Wait a minute,
is that all I'm good for,
86
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:48,596
to stand around looking pretty?
87
00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:51,642
That was on your résumé.
88
00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:54,336
It also said I could type.
89
00:03:57,037 --> 00:03:58,607
Mr. Whitford,
what can I do for you?
90
00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:01,583
I need Viagra,
and I need it now.
91
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,716
You want to at least
buy me a drink first?
92
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,989
It's just that my wife and I
have spent months
93
00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:11,619
trying to get pregnant
with no luck,
94
00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:12,924
so she went out
and bought all the books,
95
00:04:13,053 --> 00:04:14,726
-you know, with the charts
and the graphs. -Ah.
96
00:04:14,855 --> 00:04:16,732
So now I'm getting calls
in the middle of the day
97
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:18,393
to run home because she's ready.
98
00:04:18,525 --> 00:04:23,304
But lately, when she's ready,
I'm... kind of... not.
99
00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:26,673
Oh. Have you had this kind
of sexual problem before?
100
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:30,247
Oh, no, this isn't sex;
this is work.
101
00:04:30,370 --> 00:04:32,646
I'm just punching in
and punching out.
102
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,150
Well...
103
00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:35,548
until lately, you know.
104
00:04:35,675 --> 00:04:37,382
Uh, look,
can I just get those pills?
105
00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:40,651
'Cause I got to be home and
ready to go in-in 37 minutes.
106
00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:42,192
Yeah, it's not that simple.
107
00:04:42,315 --> 00:04:43,851
I'm going to have
to run some tests.
108
00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:45,861
Not everybody
is a candidate for Viagra.
109
00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:49,126
Oh, no. Amy doesn't like it
when she sends me out for stuff
110
00:04:49,256 --> 00:04:51,167
-and I come back without it.
-Mmm.
111
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:54,238
This is so crazy,
to have to go through all this,
112
00:04:54,361 --> 00:04:56,341
but she really wants
a kid, so...
113
00:04:56,463 --> 00:04:57,908
You don't want to have any?
114
00:04:58,031 --> 00:04:59,806
Well, I never really
thought much about it.
115
00:04:59,933 --> 00:05:01,537
She just assumed
that I did, so...
116
00:05:01,668 --> 00:05:03,807
- Uh-huh.
-I assume that I do.
117
00:05:03,937 --> 00:05:06,816
Well, you know, having kids
is a pretty big responsibility.
118
00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:09,250
- You have kids?
-No, they annoy me.
119
00:05:09,376 --> 00:05:11,378
You know, if you don't want any,
you shouldn't have any.
120
00:05:11,511 --> 00:05:12,683
You do have a vote, you know.
121
00:05:12,813 --> 00:05:15,987
No, actually,
we voted on that, and I don't.
122
00:05:16,116 --> 00:05:18,562
Come on, you know, be a man,
stand up for yourself.
123
00:05:18,685 --> 00:05:21,063
You got to be firm.
Don't be such a softy.
124
00:05:21,188 --> 00:05:24,328
Uh, that's kind of what brought
me here in the first place.
125
00:05:31,131 --> 00:05:33,236
Chris, give me
a grilled cheese sandwich,
126
00:05:33,366 --> 00:05:34,902
some French fries, maybe...
127
00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:36,673
Well, where is she this time?
128
00:05:36,803 --> 00:05:37,975
Oh, she's in the back
129
00:05:38,104 --> 00:05:40,380
trying to fix
the sprinkler system herself.
130
00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:43,386
Wha... You know,
why are you doing that?
131
00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:45,114
Why don't you just pay
a plumber to fix it?
132
00:05:45,245 --> 00:05:47,748
Because a plumber would
charge me hundreds of dollars.
133
00:05:47,881 --> 00:05:49,258
Then why don't you just
flirt with a plumber
134
00:05:49,382 --> 00:05:51,384
and get him to do it for free?
135
00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:52,997
Are you talking
about this morning?
136
00:05:53,119 --> 00:05:55,497
Because I was not flirting
with that fire marshal.
137
00:05:55,622 --> 00:05:56,726
I was just being friendly.
138
00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:58,598
Besides, I don't need
to call anybody.
139
00:05:58,725 --> 00:05:59,863
L-I can do this myself.
140
00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:01,734
I have an uncle
who happened to be a plumber,
141
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:02,863
and he taught me a lot.
142
00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:04,236
Oh, come... A girl plumber?
143
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:07,038
That's like a girl doctor--
it's like a joke.
144
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:09,613
Oh, really? Really?
145
00:06:09,736 --> 00:06:12,080
Well, since I'm just a girl
trying to do a man's job,
146
00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:13,582
maybe you can help me.
147
00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:16,449
Is the three-quarter-inch gasket
on the cross-flow switcher
148
00:06:16,576 --> 00:06:18,522
interchangeable with the one
on the intake valve?
149
00:06:19,679 --> 00:06:20,589
Yes.
150
00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:22,352
- No!
-No.
151
00:06:23,650 --> 00:06:26,392
Boy, you can't walk two feet
in this town
152
00:06:26,519 --> 00:06:28,829
without some bum
hitting you up for money.
153
00:06:28,955 --> 00:06:32,334
Jake, I'm taking a candy bar.
I'll pay you later.
154
00:06:32,459 --> 00:06:33,961
Excuse me, sir.
155
00:06:34,094 --> 00:06:35,266
You know you just
crossed the street
156
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:37,068
in the middle of the block?
157
00:06:37,197 --> 00:06:38,232
Yeah, so what's the problem?
158
00:06:38,365 --> 00:06:39,435
You were jaywalking.
159
00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:40,909
Gonna have to write you
a ticket.
160
00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:44,038
For jaywalking? In New York?
161
00:06:44,170 --> 00:06:45,706
You got to be kidding me.
162
00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:47,614
I'm going to need some l.D.
163
00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:49,584
What, you want to see
my Walker's license?
164
00:06:49,709 --> 00:06:51,916
You going to impound my shoes?
165
00:06:52,045 --> 00:06:53,991
Are we going to have
a problem here?
166
00:06:54,114 --> 00:06:56,253
Look, hey, hey, you're not doing
yourself any favor here.
167
00:06:56,383 --> 00:06:57,726
Yeah, Bob, be nice.
168
00:06:57,851 --> 00:06:59,455
- Nice, huh?
Mm-hmm.
169
00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:00,929
Yeah, well,
it worked for you, right?
170
00:07:01,054 --> 00:07:02,089
Mm-hmm.
171
00:07:03,990 --> 00:07:07,062
All right, uh, look,
you know, sometimes I...
172
00:07:07,193 --> 00:07:08,570
shoot my mouth off.
173
00:07:08,695 --> 00:07:12,734
But, uh, I'm really sorry,
Officer, uh... Bacon.
174
00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:14,903
It's Ba-keen.
175
00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:17,242
Right, right, right. Right.
176
00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:18,940
I mean, if you were
a cop named Bacon,
177
00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:20,380
that would be ridic...
You know what?
178
00:07:22,075 --> 00:07:23,577
This was all my fault. I...
179
00:07:23,710 --> 00:07:25,018
Really, you were just
doing your job, man.
180
00:07:25,145 --> 00:07:27,125
As a matter of fact, you may
have very well saved my life.
181
00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:29,022
- Well, thanks for saying that.
-Well...
182
00:07:29,149 --> 00:07:31,425
you guys, I mean,
you're the real heroes.
183
00:07:31,551 --> 00:07:34,361
I mean, I have tremendous
respect for cops,
184
00:07:34,487 --> 00:07:35,625
ever since I saw Dirty Harry.
185
00:07:35,755 --> 00:07:36,825
You like Dirty Harry, huh?
186
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:38,561
Oh, I love it.
I watch it every chance I get.
187
00:07:38,692 --> 00:07:39,693
You know,
they're showing it tonight
188
00:07:39,826 --> 00:07:41,066
at a revival theater
down in the Village.
189
00:07:41,194 --> 00:07:42,195
Really? Maybe I'll go see it.
190
00:07:42,329 --> 00:07:43,501
Actually, I was going
to catch it, too.
191
00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:45,769
- You want to meet there?
-Sure. Why not?
192
00:07:45,899 --> 00:07:47,503
Um, Bob...
193
00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,079
Shut up. I'm working here.
194
00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:52,046
8:00. Greenwich Theater
on West Broadway.
195
00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:53,446
- Sounds great.
-Uh, Bob...
196
00:07:53,573 --> 00:07:55,416
Shut up!
197
00:07:55,542 --> 00:07:58,079
- So I'll see you tonight, right?
-Great.
198
00:07:59,879 --> 00:08:02,189
Amazing!
199
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:03,419
You were right.
Did you see that?
200
00:08:03,550 --> 00:08:05,325
I just talked myself
out of a ticket!
201
00:08:07,420 --> 00:08:09,957
And I got a date with a cop,
don't I?
202
00:08:17,364 --> 00:08:19,640
Excuse me,
but can I see the doctor?
203
00:08:19,766 --> 00:08:21,109
- Do you have an appointment?
-No.
204
00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:23,043
I'm just a little bit upset
with him.
205
00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:25,672
Oh, that happens a lot
around here.
206
00:08:25,805 --> 00:08:27,284
What did he do to you?
207
00:08:27,407 --> 00:08:30,149
My husband, Barry Whitford,
came in here this morning,
208
00:08:30,276 --> 00:08:32,415
and the doctor convinced him
not to have children.
209
00:08:32,545 --> 00:08:34,024
Oh, I am so sorry.
210
00:08:34,147 --> 00:08:36,388
Sometimes that man just doesn't
know when to shut up.
211
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:39,258
I want a baby more than
anything else in the world,
212
00:08:39,386 --> 00:08:42,094
and until this morning,
I thought that Barry did, too.
213
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:43,758
Oh, you poor thing.
214
00:08:43,890 --> 00:08:47,861
The doctor hates children
because he hates himself.
215
00:08:47,994 --> 00:08:50,406
Just an observation.
216
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,976
We already picked out names.
217
00:08:53,099 --> 00:08:56,308
Ashley for a girl,
Jack for a boy.
218
00:08:56,436 --> 00:08:58,473
We registered at Baby Gap.
219
00:08:59,506 --> 00:09:02,043
They have the cutest
little khakis.
220
00:09:02,175 --> 00:09:03,813
Margaret,
I'm going to need you to...
221
00:09:03,943 --> 00:09:05,047
What is wrong with you?
222
00:09:05,178 --> 00:09:07,180
This woman wants
to get pregnant!
223
00:09:07,313 --> 00:09:09,020
I don't even know her.
224
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:13,053
This is Barry Whitford's wife,
225
00:09:13,186 --> 00:09:14,927
the man you told
not to have children.
226
00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,830
What? No, I never said that.
227
00:09:16,956 --> 00:09:21,427
At 11:17 this morning,
I was ovulating like a salmon!
228
00:09:22,695 --> 00:09:23,867
If you had just
229
00:09:23,997 --> 00:09:25,977
given my husband
those stupid pills,
230
00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:27,703
I'd be two hours pregnant
by now.
231
00:09:27,834 --> 00:09:30,041
- Nice one, John.
-Yeah, nice one.
232
00:09:30,170 --> 00:09:31,740
Look, I never said
not to have kids.
233
00:09:31,871 --> 00:09:33,942
I told him to think
before he had kids.
234
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:37,248
Telling my husband
what to think is my job!
235
00:09:37,377 --> 00:09:39,618
Look, look, your husband
expressed some doubts
236
00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:41,657
about having kids; I just said
that it's a decision
237
00:09:41,781 --> 00:09:43,055
that the two of you
should make together.
238
00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:45,459
Doubts? So he really
doesn't want to have children?
239
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,792
- No, I never said that.
-He hates children?
240
00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:49,628
No, no, I said
that you should agree on it.
241
00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:50,894
Oh, you're absolutely right.
242
00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:52,662
If my husband doesn't want
to have children,
243
00:09:52,792 --> 00:09:54,203
I've got to find somebody
who does.
244
00:09:54,327 --> 00:09:56,466
No, I... I never said that.
245
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,769
Wha... Did either of you
hear me say that?
246
00:09:58,898 --> 00:10:01,538
No, but it certainly
sounds like you.
247
00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:10,653
Okay, Mr. Fernower, you can
go ahead and get dressed.
248
00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:12,313
I'll meet you in the office.
249
00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:14,356
Oh, uh, just a little advice.
250
00:10:14,481 --> 00:10:18,691
You know, at a certain age,
a Speedo becomes a Spee-don't.
251
00:10:20,820 --> 00:10:21,821
Oh, for...
252
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:23,798
You told my wife to leave me?
253
00:10:23,923 --> 00:10:25,493
I never said that.
254
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,332
Well, you said something, 'cause
she's got her bags packed,
255
00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:28,632
and she's ready
to walk out the door.
256
00:10:28,761 --> 00:10:29,933
Yeah, look, can we...
can we just
257
00:10:30,063 --> 00:10:31,098
talk about this in my office?
258
00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:33,142
Look, when I was in here
this morning,
259
00:10:33,266 --> 00:10:34,939
that was just a case
of cold feet.
260
00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:36,012
I love my wife.
261
00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:37,513
I want to have children
with her.
262
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,742
Well, good, have children,
just leave me out of it.
263
00:10:39,873 --> 00:10:42,376
Fine, but I'm going to need
that Viagra.
264
00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:43,510
Oh. Right.
265
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,145
Look, I'm sorry, but your...
266
00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:46,757
blood pressure is a little high,
267
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:49,121
and your EKG came back
slightly irregular.
268
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:50,660
It's nothing serious,
269
00:10:50,783 --> 00:10:53,127
but, you know, I'm just not
comfortable giving you Viagra.
270
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,324
Oh, great.
Now what am I supposed to do?
271
00:10:55,455 --> 00:10:56,866
I mean, how am I supposed
to get excited
272
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,697
if I don't feel excited?
273
00:10:58,825 --> 00:11:00,532
I don't... I don't know.
May... You know...
274
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:03,766
Maybe you just need to find ways
to spice up your sex life.
275
00:11:03,897 --> 00:11:04,967
What does that mean?
276
00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:07,009
How does a person just
spice up his sex life?
277
00:11:07,133 --> 00:11:09,044
Oh, you put on outfits,
fantasy role-play,
278
00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:10,705
have sex in different places,
279
00:11:10,837 --> 00:11:12,680
like at a restaurant
or a phone booth.
280
00:11:12,805 --> 00:11:16,878
There are handcuffs, sex toys,
videos, lotions,
281
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:18,887
oils, Tantric massage,
282
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:19,888
lingerie...
283
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:21,048
Linda!
284
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:22,592
Oh, but just so you know,
285
00:11:22,715 --> 00:11:25,161
edible underwear--
very high in carbs.
286
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:29,257
I am so sor... Linda, please,
I'm with a patient.
287
00:11:29,389 --> 00:11:31,892
- Leave us alone.
-Oh. Sorry.
288
00:11:34,827 --> 00:11:36,397
Well?
289
00:11:37,564 --> 00:11:39,976
Wh-What she said.
290
00:11:49,442 --> 00:11:52,082
Okay, I want some eggs,
some bacon, some toast and...
291
00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:54,590
Oh, for...
Where is she now?
292
00:11:56,249 --> 00:11:58,855
Damn stupid thing!
293
00:11:58,985 --> 00:12:01,363
- Ow! Ow!
294
00:12:01,487 --> 00:12:04,263
I take it breakfast
is not happening.
295
00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:07,337
Well, we have no sprinklers,
no water, no coffee.
296
00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:10,304
And if I were you, I'd pee
down at the gas station.
297
00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:11,909
- Yeah, who called it?
-Yeah.
298
00:12:12,031 --> 00:12:13,874
Hey, guys.
299
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,570
Oh, Bobby. So how was your date?
300
00:12:15,702 --> 00:12:19,980
Were you the good cop
or the very, very bad cop?
301
00:12:20,106 --> 00:12:21,210
Shut up.
302
00:12:21,341 --> 00:12:24,618
He didn't show. I got stood up.
303
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:25,779
Well, why are you so upset?
304
00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:27,255
You were in here whining
for two hours
305
00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:28,859
that you didn't want
a date with a cop,
306
00:12:28,982 --> 00:12:30,518
that you just wanted to get
out of a ticket.
307
00:12:30,650 --> 00:12:32,357
All I'm saying is that
if he wasn't going to show
308
00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:34,897
he could've at least
picked up the phone and called.
309
00:12:35,021 --> 00:12:36,261
You gave him your phone number?
310
00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:37,697
No, but he could've
called the theater
311
00:12:37,824 --> 00:12:39,098
and asked if there was
a good-looking guy
312
00:12:39,225 --> 00:12:40,898
waiting out front.
313
00:12:41,027 --> 00:12:42,370
Maybe he did.
314
00:12:44,864 --> 00:12:46,002
All I know is that now
315
00:12:46,132 --> 00:12:47,304
I've been stood up
by both sexes.
316
00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:48,969
It doesn't feel good.
I'm sick of people.
317
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:50,672
- Get a dog.
-Dogs don't like me.
318
00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:55,953
- Oh, for...
-You're not gonna believe this.
319
00:12:56,075 --> 00:12:57,918
I had the sprinkler head
in position, and then...
320
00:12:58,044 --> 00:12:59,546
and then I broke
the pintle screw.
321
00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:00,953
Oh, not the pintle screw.
322
00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:02,718
- You know, I hate it
when that happens. -Oh!
323
00:13:02,849 --> 00:13:04,385
You know, I thought I could
do this, but I can't.
324
00:13:04,517 --> 00:13:05,757
Every time I get
the frame in place,
325
00:13:05,885 --> 00:13:06,989
I-I can't screw it in.
326
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,929
Well, you want me to go
take a look at it?
327
00:13:10,189 --> 00:13:11,725
You working on
your sprinkler system?
328
00:13:11,858 --> 00:13:13,394
No, I'm playing golf.
329
00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:15,437
Well, if you're using
that 16-inch pipe wrench,
330
00:13:15,561 --> 00:13:16,972
it's got more torque
than you need.
331
00:13:17,096 --> 00:13:18,632
That's why you broke
the pintle screw.
332
00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:25,940
Wow, you, uh...
333
00:13:26,072 --> 00:13:28,678
you really seem to know
what you're talking about.
334
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:29,809
Are you a plumber?
335
00:13:29,942 --> 00:13:32,252
No, I'm a caddie.
336
00:13:32,378 --> 00:13:34,790
Swing and a miss. Strike one.
337
00:13:38,451 --> 00:13:40,692
I never realized
how difficult plumbing was
338
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:42,595
until I tried to do it myself.
339
00:13:42,722 --> 00:13:43,757
Whatever.
340
00:13:43,890 --> 00:13:46,871
Foul ball. Strike two.
341
00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:48,904
You, uh... you must
be really smart.
342
00:13:49,028 --> 00:13:51,065
I mean, you know,
with all the wrenches
343
00:13:51,197 --> 00:13:53,040
and bolts and stuff.
344
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:55,510
Any chance I could get you
to take a look at it?
345
00:13:55,635 --> 00:13:57,273
Yeah.
346
00:13:57,403 --> 00:13:59,405
For 90 bucks an hour.
347
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:03,745
Strike three,
and that's the ball game.
348
00:14:03,876 --> 00:14:05,719
Hey, let me get this straight.
349
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:08,849
Now, is flirting bad,
or are you just bad at it?
350
00:14:08,981 --> 00:14:11,257
I was not flirting. I was...
351
00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:12,954
Oh, leave me alone.
352
00:14:14,587 --> 00:14:16,624
Uh-oh, Bobby,
Officer Boyfriend's here.
353
00:14:19,258 --> 00:14:22,137
Look, I wanted to come in
and apologize for last night.
354
00:14:23,763 --> 00:14:25,242
Oh, that's right, the movie.
355
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:27,140
We were supposed to meet there.
356
00:14:27,266 --> 00:14:30,110
Yeah. I'm sorry. I got a call
at the end of my shift.
357
00:14:30,236 --> 00:14:31,874
There was an armed robbery
at a liquor store.
358
00:14:32,004 --> 00:14:33,483
Mm-hmm.
359
00:14:33,606 --> 00:14:35,313
Turned into a high-speed chase.
360
00:14:35,441 --> 00:14:36,476
It was on the news.
361
00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:38,316
That was you?
362
00:14:38,444 --> 00:14:42,119
I mean... I might have saw
something about that.
363
00:14:42,248 --> 00:14:43,591
It got a little hairy.
Shots were fired.
364
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,855
From real guns?!
365
00:14:45,985 --> 00:14:47,589
Wow! Did you catch the guy?
366
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,893
I mean, how fast were you
driving? Were you scared?
367
00:14:50,022 --> 00:14:52,662
When you're a cop,
you learn to live with fear.
368
00:14:52,792 --> 00:14:55,068
But we got him,
and luckily, no one was hurt.
369
00:14:55,194 --> 00:14:57,231
Well, sit down.
Tell me all about it.
370
00:14:57,363 --> 00:14:58,842
Well, actually, I gotta run,
but if you want,
371
00:14:58,965 --> 00:15:00,069
we can talk
more about this tonight.
372
00:15:00,199 --> 00:15:01,405
Let's say dinner
at Dominic's, 8:00?
373
00:15:01,534 --> 00:15:02,410
Great!
374
00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:04,014
See you then.
375
00:15:06,806 --> 00:15:07,716
Did you hear that?
376
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:09,080
He was in a high-speed chase,
377
00:15:09,208 --> 00:15:11,745
and I just made another date
with a cop, didn't I?
378
00:15:11,878 --> 00:15:13,687
Hey, look, wait.
379
00:15:13,813 --> 00:15:17,420
I got to tell you...
I'm not gay.
380
00:15:17,550 --> 00:15:18,995
Neither am I.
381
00:15:19,118 --> 00:15:20,722
I'm just a lonely guy
reaching out
382
00:15:20,853 --> 00:15:23,231
for a little
human companionship.
383
00:15:23,356 --> 00:15:24,892
Oh, okay.
384
00:15:25,024 --> 00:15:28,369
Well, then I'll see you later,
Officer Ba-keen.
385
00:15:28,494 --> 00:15:29,871
Call me Francis.
386
00:15:42,408 --> 00:15:44,649
Look, if, uh,
Mr. and Mrs. Whit-ford call,
387
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:45,949
please tell them I'm not here.
388
00:15:46,078 --> 00:15:48,058
I don't blame you for wanting
to avoid them
389
00:15:48,181 --> 00:15:50,218
after the mess you made
of their lives.
390
00:15:50,349 --> 00:15:51,987
Look, do we have
to go over again
391
00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:53,620
what I did and did not say?
392
00:15:53,753 --> 00:15:55,733
It sure would help me.
393
00:15:55,855 --> 00:15:57,732
Oh, no, no, I can't listen
to that again.
394
00:15:57,857 --> 00:15:59,336
I'm going for a walk,
395
00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:01,029
so just please tell them
I'm not here.
396
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:04,403
Well, if you're going for a
walk, then you won't be here.
397
00:16:04,530 --> 00:16:05,873
Exactly.
398
00:16:05,998 --> 00:16:07,341
So Why'd you even bring it up?
399
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,037
If they called here
and you weren't here,
400
00:16:09,168 --> 00:16:10,613
we'd say you weren't here.
401
00:16:10,736 --> 00:16:12,215
He wants us to say
he's not here,
402
00:16:12,338 --> 00:16:13,715
because he knows he screwed up.
403
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:14,841
I did not.
404
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,851
Look, those people
are driving me crazy.
405
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:18,353
So even though I'm going now,
406
00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,480
when I come back
or whenever they call,
407
00:16:20,613 --> 00:16:22,889
I still want you to tell them
I'm not here.
408
00:16:23,015 --> 00:16:25,256
Couldn't I just tell them
you're at a medical conference?
409
00:16:25,384 --> 00:16:28,160
You know, Margaret, if I ever
snap, that one-- first to go.
410
00:16:28,287 --> 00:16:30,289
Oh, look at this.
411
00:16:30,423 --> 00:16:31,834
Why did you tell my husband
412
00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:34,632
that we should have a three-way
with my sister?
413
00:16:36,362 --> 00:16:38,239
You said that?!
414
00:16:38,364 --> 00:16:40,037
No, I never said that!
415
00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:41,144
Excuse me.
416
00:16:41,267 --> 00:16:43,679
Dr. Becker's at
a medical conference.
417
00:16:43,803 --> 00:16:45,043
Linda...
418
00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:47,617
Oh, sorry. He's out for a walk.
419
00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:50,016
Look, all your husband
said was
420
00:16:50,142 --> 00:16:52,782
that things between the two of
you had gotten a little routine.
421
00:16:52,912 --> 00:16:55,017
Oh, so now he thinks
that I'm boring in bed?
422
00:16:55,147 --> 00:16:56,217
No, he never said that.
423
00:16:56,349 --> 00:16:57,987
Well, obviously
he said that to her,
424
00:16:58,117 --> 00:17:00,028
and he must have gotten it
from somewhere.
425
00:17:00,152 --> 00:17:01,358
Look, I don't know
what he said to her.
426
00:17:01,487 --> 00:17:02,625
I just know what he said to me.
427
00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:04,325
And what I said to him was,
you know,
428
00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:06,801
maybe he should use a little
imagination in the bedroom.
429
00:17:06,926 --> 00:17:08,928
Oh, that's all you said?
430
00:17:09,061 --> 00:17:11,803
I heard something
about handcuffs, outfits,
431
00:17:11,931 --> 00:17:13,535
videos, lotions.
432
00:17:13,666 --> 00:17:16,272
- You said that?
-No, you said that.
433
00:17:16,402 --> 00:17:18,939
Oh, so now you're blaming Linda.
434
00:17:19,071 --> 00:17:20,516
- What? I...
-Fine, fine.
435
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,950
You want me to make it
more exciting for my husband?
436
00:17:23,075 --> 00:17:24,452
I'll invite over the super,
437
00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:26,579
my next-door neighbor
and the mailman.
438
00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:28,214
And then in nine months,
439
00:17:28,347 --> 00:17:30,918
Barry can try to figure out
who the father is.
440
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:33,189
All right, but when you talk
to your husband,
441
00:17:33,319 --> 00:17:35,390
remember, you said that,
I didn't.
442
00:17:36,956 --> 00:17:39,732
Bet you wish you were at
that medical conference now.
443
00:18:02,448 --> 00:18:04,428
For crying out...
444
00:18:09,889 --> 00:18:11,800
- "oh, geez!
445
00:18:13,225 --> 00:18:15,171
- What?
-Hey, sorry to bother you...
446
00:18:15,294 --> 00:18:16,364
Why is it so dark in here?
447
00:18:16,495 --> 00:18:18,497
Hey, you know, I had those off
for a reason.
448
00:18:18,631 --> 00:18:19,803
You know, I'm trying to relax.
449
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:21,707
I've had a very bad day.
450
00:18:21,834 --> 00:18:24,041
Are you raising pigeons?
451
00:18:24,170 --> 00:18:26,514
Oh, no, it's
a relaxation machine.
452
00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:28,516
It makes those nature noises.
453
00:18:28,641 --> 00:18:30,348
It's supposed
to help reduce stress.
454
00:18:30,476 --> 00:18:33,252
You'd be amazed how many people
give them to me for Christmas.
455
00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:36,787
I'm amazed anyone
gives you gifts at all.
456
00:18:36,916 --> 00:18:38,827
You know, be nice to me,
will you?
457
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:40,157
I've had a really crappy day.
458
00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:41,629
L-I've been stalked
by this crazy couple
459
00:18:41,754 --> 00:18:42,926
who want to have a baby.
460
00:18:43,055 --> 00:18:44,500
You know, I just want
to get away from people
461
00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:46,900
and all their insecurities
and neuroses.
462
00:18:47,026 --> 00:18:48,528
Okay, then I'll make this quick.
463
00:18:48,661 --> 00:18:51,301
- Do you think I'm pretty?
-What?
464
00:18:51,430 --> 00:18:53,410
Come on, how would you rate me?
Give me a number.
465
00:18:53,532 --> 00:18:56,536
You know,
seven, eight, ten... ten?
466
00:18:56,669 --> 00:18:58,012
Why are you doing this?
467
00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:01,084
Because I flirted my ass off
with that plumber.
468
00:19:01,207 --> 00:19:03,744
I gave him the hair twirl,
th-the cleavage, the pouty lips.
469
00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:04,877
I got nothing.
470
00:19:05,011 --> 00:19:06,684
Ah, yes.
So you were flirting.
471
00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:08,120
Well, of course I was flirting.
472
00:19:08,247 --> 00:19:10,090
I am a woman. That's what we do.
473
00:19:10,216 --> 00:19:12,457
I mean, what do you think
these are for, your pleasure?
474
00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:14,565
- They're to get stuff done.
475
00:19:16,455 --> 00:19:17,627
What the hell's wrong with you?
476
00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:19,236
Telling my wife
she's boring in bed?
477
00:19:19,358 --> 00:19:20,894
How did you find out
where I live?
478
00:19:21,027 --> 00:19:23,837
- That sex toy girl
at your office told me. -Oh...
479
00:19:23,963 --> 00:19:25,499
- Definitely the first to go.
-Hi.
480
00:19:25,631 --> 00:19:28,703
Look, look, I never told
your wife she was boring in bed.
481
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:30,711
Hey, how did you know his wife
was boring in bed?
482
00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:31,871
I never said that.
483
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:33,176
Well, you must
have said something...
484
00:19:33,305 --> 00:19:34,579
What are those, birds?
485
00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:37,517
Aha! I knew I couldn't
trust you.
486
00:19:37,643 --> 00:19:39,054
- What are you doing here?
-I turn my back
487
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:41,283
for one second,
and you come running over here
488
00:19:41,414 --> 00:19:43,052
to complain to him
about our sex life.
489
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:44,718
- Who's this?
-Hi.
490
00:19:44,850 --> 00:19:46,193
- Is she with you?
-Oh, God, no.
491
00:19:46,318 --> 00:19:47,524
What's that supposed to mean?
492
00:19:47,653 --> 00:19:49,496
I see what's going on here.
493
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:50,999
You're having
an affair with her,
494
00:19:51,123 --> 00:19:53,125
and that's why you have
nothing left for me.
495
00:19:53,259 --> 00:19:54,533
- Her? Oh, come on.
- Oh, please!
496
00:19:54,660 --> 00:19:56,298
Hey, hey, what's wrong with me?
497
00:19:56,429 --> 00:19:57,999
Yeah, look, look, look,
nobody is sleeping
498
00:19:58,130 --> 00:19:59,609
with anybody around here.
499
00:19:59,732 --> 00:20:01,439
Yeah, it's 'cause you wouldn't
give me the damn Viagra.
500
00:20:01,567 --> 00:20:04,275
Wait, wait, wait, I meant it.
What's wrong with me?
501
00:20:04,403 --> 00:20:06,781
You can take all the pills
you want to, Barry.
502
00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:09,386
I am never sleeping
with you again after this.
503
00:20:09,508 --> 00:20:10,714
Are there birds in here?
504
00:20:10,843 --> 00:20:12,481
No, it's the damn
relaxation machine.
505
00:20:12,611 --> 00:20:14,284
Lot of good it's doing me.
You know,
506
00:20:14,413 --> 00:20:16,450
I made a conscious choice
not to have any kids.
507
00:20:16,582 --> 00:20:18,289
Now, all of a sudden,
I got two of them.
508
00:20:18,417 --> 00:20:19,919
You know, you're loud,
you're whiny,
509
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:20,962
you're irrational!
510
00:20:21,087 --> 00:20:22,157
You don't do anything I say!
511
00:20:22,288 --> 00:20:23,596
Put that down.
You're gonna break it.
512
00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:25,794
Look, for God's sake, you know,
you are the last people
513
00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:27,404
on Earth who should
ever reproduce.
514
00:20:27,526 --> 00:20:29,733
Are you gonna let him
speak to us that way?
515
00:20:29,862 --> 00:20:31,398
- Well, are you? Are you?!
- Oh, please.
516
00:20:31,530 --> 00:20:33,806
- Will you shut up!
-What?!
517
00:20:33,933 --> 00:20:35,810
Just stop telling me
what to do!
518
00:20:35,935 --> 00:20:38,006
You're the reason
I can't have sex.
519
00:20:38,137 --> 00:20:39,775
Because you keep deciding
when we're having it
520
00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:41,748
and where we're having it
and how we're having it.
521
00:20:41,874 --> 00:20:43,148
- Well, that is over!
-Barry...
522
00:20:43,275 --> 00:20:44,845
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
523
00:20:44,977 --> 00:20:47,924
From now on, I make
all the sex decisions.
524
00:20:48,047 --> 00:20:49,583
You can throw out
the charts and the graphs,
525
00:20:49,715 --> 00:20:51,490
'cause from now on,
we're doing it for fun,
526
00:20:51,617 --> 00:20:54,530
and only when I say I'm ready.
527
00:20:54,653 --> 00:20:56,030
And I think I might be ready.
528
00:20:56,155 --> 00:20:57,259
Wow'!
529
00:20:57,389 --> 00:20:58,993
.5"!
{Wt!
530
00:20:59,125 --> 00:21:01,799
Oh, Barry, I've never
seen you this way before.
531
00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:03,133
I like it.
532
00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:04,332
Let's go home.
533
00:21:04,463 --> 00:21:05,339
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah,
534
00:21:05,464 --> 00:21:07,273
just go, you know, anywhere.
535
00:21:07,399 --> 00:21:08,673
Can you believe that?
536
00:21:08,801 --> 00:21:10,371
Those people are crazy!
537
00:21:10,503 --> 00:21:12,574
Well, he was,
but I kind of liked her.
538
00:21:12,705 --> 00:21:13,615
- What?
-Well, you heard her.
539
00:21:13,739 --> 00:21:15,047
She thought I was a threat.
540
00:21:15,174 --> 00:21:16,778
L-I don't know
what I was worried about.
541
00:21:16,909 --> 00:21:17,887
I've still got it.
542
00:21:18,010 --> 00:21:19,990
Oh yeah, you know what? Fine.
543
00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:22,149
What... what's that
supposed to mean?
544
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:23,157
What, you think
I'm kidding myself?
545
00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:24,386
You don't think I'm attractive?
546
00:21:24,517 --> 00:21:26,258
- I never said that!
-Well, the hell with you!
547
00:21:26,385 --> 00:21:27,386
I don't need your opinion
548
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:30,091
to validate how I feel
about myself.
549
00:21:31,757 --> 00:21:34,101
Oh! Sorry!
550
00:21:35,127 --> 00:21:37,505
They really were ready.
41093
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