Original subtitles

Chris, give me some coffee, couple of eggs,

some hash browns, white toast, and some bacon.

What's going on? Where's Chris?

She's in the back with the fire marshal.

He dropped in for a surprise inspection.

Oh, well, this place is a firetrap.

If he shuts it down, I'm going to have to find

some other place to eat.

Oh, this is not good for me at all.

Now, why is it whenever something in the world happens,

suddenly it's all about you?

Suddenly? It's always been that way.

You know, this affects us, too, Becker.

What's your point?

In my defense, I had no idea

that was a sprinkler system.

L-I just used it to hang pots.

Well, I'm gonna have to write you up.

You got to get those sprinklers in working order.

Oh, come on, I'm very careful around here.

I have to be. I don't have any insurance.

Besides, it's going to be expensive enough to fix this.

If I have to pay a fine, too, it's just gonna break me.

Listen, lady, there's nothing I can do about that.

You know what?

L-I'm sorry I lost my temper.

You-you were just doing your job.

I mean, what if there really were a fire?

Then she could throw some food on the flames

and cook us breakfast.

I, for one, just want to say thank you.

You may have saved our lives.

Oh, you work it, girl.

Yeah, well, we inspectors always get overlooked.

And it's not fair.

It's those damn hook-and-ladder guys get all the glory.

Oh. Well, if you ask me, it's you guys

with-with the clipboards who... who are the real heroes.

If I'd actually had anything to eat, I'd throw up.

So, uh... so I'll take care of everything.

And, again, thanks for looking out for me.

Yeah, well, I-l was just doing my job.

I'll tell you what. You've been very nice.

Uh, you fix the sprinklers,

-we'll forget about the ticket. -Oh!

How sweet is that.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you. I'll take care of everything.

Oh-ho... Oh, brother.

"It's you guys with the clipboards.

You're the real heroes."

"Thank you for looking out for me."

"You should see me without a top on."

I never said that.

I think it was implied.

That's unbelievable.

You just flirted your way out of a ticket.

No, I-l was not flirting. I was just being friendly.

Oh, come on, even I can see you were all over that guy.

- Oh... - Women like you

are the reason why I get all those traffic tickets.

Oh, yeah, right. I can't wait to hear this.

No, no, you flirt your way out of them, then the cops

have to make their quota by giving tickets to men.

You know something?

I bet I could get out of a ticket, too,

if I had breasts.

Just give it a few years.

How would you like it if I went to your office

and used your front steps as a toilet?!

Stupid dog.

Good morning. Mr. Whit-ford is waiting

-for you in one. -What's he want?

To bask in the warmth of your sunny disposition.

That was good.

And completely inappropriate.

Oh, listen, Margaret, uh,

there's a nosy fire marshal

going around the neighborhood handing out fines.

If he comes here, all you got to do is bat

your eyelashes at him and, you know,

throw him a flirty compliment.

Linda, just, uh...

yeah, stand there and wear that.

Wait a minute, is that all I'm good for,

to stand around looking pretty?

That was on your résumé.

It also said I could type.

Mr. Whitford, what can I do for you?

I need Viagra, and I need it now.

You want to at least buy me a drink first?

It's just that my wife and I have spent months

trying to get pregnant with no luck,

so she went out and bought all the books,

-you know, with the charts and the graphs. -Ah.

So now I'm getting calls in the middle of the day

to run home because she's ready.

But lately, when she's ready, I'm... kind of... not.

Oh. Have you had this kind of sexual problem before?

Oh, no, this isn't sex; this is work.

I'm just punching in and punching out.

Well...

until lately, you know.

Uh, look, can I just get those pills?

'Cause I got to be home and ready to go in-in 37 minutes.

Yeah, it's not that simple.

I'm going to have to run some tests.

Not everybody is a candidate for Viagra.

Oh, no. Amy doesn't like it when she sends me out for stuff

-and I come back without it. -Mmm.

This is so crazy, to have to go through all this,

but she really wants a kid, so...

You don't want to have any?

Well, I never really thought much about it.

She just assumed that I did, so...

- Uh-huh. -I assume that I do.

Well, you know, having kids is a pretty big responsibility.

- You have kids? -No, they annoy me.

You know, if you don't want any, you shouldn't have any.

You do have a vote, you know.

No, actually, we voted on that, and I don't.

Come on, you know, be a man, stand up for yourself.

You got to be firm. Don't be such a softy.

Uh, that's kind of what brought me here in the first place.

Chris, give me a grilled cheese sandwich,

some French fries, maybe...

Well, where is she this time?

Oh, she's in the back

trying to fix the sprinkler system herself.

Wha... You know, why are you doing that?

Why don't you just pay a plumber to fix it?

Because a plumber would charge me hundreds of dollars.

Then why don't you just flirt with a plumber

and get him to do it for free?

Are you talking about this morning?

Because I was not flirting with that fire marshal.

I was just being friendly.

Besides, I don't need to call anybody.

L-I can do this myself.

I have an uncle who happened to be a plumber,

and he taught me a lot.

Oh, come... A girl plumber?

That's like a girl doctor-- it's like a joke.

Oh, really? Really?

Well, since I'm just a girl trying to do a man's job,

maybe you can help me.

Is the three-quarter-inch gasket on the cross-flow switcher

interchangeable with the one on the intake valve?

Yes.

- No! -No.

Boy, you can't walk two feet in this town

without some bum hitting you up for money.

Jake, I'm taking a candy bar. I'll pay you later.

Excuse me, sir.

You know you just crossed the street

in the middle of the block?

Yeah, so what's the problem?

You were jaywalking.

Gonna have to write you a ticket.

For jaywalking? In New York?

You got to be kidding me.

I'm going to need some l.D.

What, you want to see my Walker's license?

You going to impound my shoes?

Are we going to have a problem here?

Look, hey, hey, you're not doing yourself any favor here.

Yeah, Bob, be nice.

- Nice, huh? Mm-hmm.

Yeah, well, it worked for you, right?

Mm-hmm.

All right, uh, look, you know, sometimes I...

shoot my mouth off.

But, uh, I'm really sorry, Officer, uh... Bacon.

It's Ba-keen.

Right, right, right. Right.

I mean, if you were a cop named Bacon,

that would be ridic... You know what?

This was all my fault. I...

Really, you were just doing your job, man.

As a matter of fact, you may have very well saved my life.

- Well, thanks for saying that. -Well...

you guys, I mean, you're the real heroes.

I mean, I have tremendous respect for cops,

ever since I saw Dirty Harry.

You like Dirty Harry, huh?

Oh, I love it. I watch it every chance I get.

You know, they're showing it tonight

at a revival theater down in the Village.

Really? Maybe I'll go see it.

Actually, I was going to catch it, too.

- You want to meet there? -Sure. Why not?

Um, Bob...

Shut up. I'm working here.

8:00. Greenwich Theater on West Broadway.

- Sounds great. -Uh, Bob...

Shut up!

- So I'll see you tonight, right? -Great.

Amazing!

You were right. Did you see that?

I just talked myself out of a ticket!

And I got a date with a cop, don't I?

Excuse me, but can I see the doctor?

- Do you have an appointment? -No.

I'm just a little bit upset with him.

Oh, that happens a lot around here.

What did he do to you?

My husband, Barry Whitford, came in here this morning,

and the doctor convinced him not to have children.

Oh, I am so sorry.

Sometimes that man just doesn't know when to shut up.

I want a baby more than anything else in the world,

and until this morning, I thought that Barry did, too.

Oh, you poor thing.

The doctor hates children because he hates himself.

Just an observation.

We already picked out names.

Ashley for a girl, Jack for a boy.

We registered at Baby Gap.

They have the cutest little khakis.

Margaret, I'm going to need you to...

What is wrong with you?

This woman wants to get pregnant!

I don't even know her.

This is Barry Whitford's wife,

the man you told not to have children.

What? No, I never said that.

At 11:17 this morning, I was ovulating like a salmon!

If you had just

given my husband those stupid pills,

I'd be two hours pregnant by now.

- Nice one, John. -Yeah, nice one.

Look, I never said not to have kids.

I told him to think before he had kids.

Telling my husband what to think is my job!

Look, look, your husband expressed some doubts

about having kids; I just said that it's a decision

that the two of you should make together.

Doubts? So he really doesn't want to have children?

- No, I never said that. -He hates children?

No, no, I said that you should agree on it.

Oh, you're absolutely right.

If my husband doesn't want to have children,

I've got to find somebody who does.

No, I... I never said that.

Wha... Did either of you hear me say that?

No, but it certainly sounds like you.

Okay, Mr. Fernower, you can go ahead and get dressed.

I'll meet you in the office.

Oh, uh, just a little advice.

You know, at a certain age, a Speedo becomes a Spee-don't.

Oh, for...

You told my wife to leave me?

I never said that.

Well, you said something, 'cause she's got her bags packed,

and she's ready to walk out the door.

Yeah, look, can we... can we just

talk about this in my office?

Look, when I was in here this morning,

that was just a case of cold feet.

I love my wife.

I want to have children with her.

Well, good, have children, just leave me out of it.

Fine, but I'm going to need that Viagra.

Oh. Right.

Look, I'm sorry, but your...

blood pressure is a little high,

and your EKG came back slightly irregular.

It's nothing serious,

but, you know, I'm just not comfortable giving you Viagra.

Oh, great. Now what am I supposed to do?

I mean, how am I supposed to get excited

if I don't feel excited?

I don't... I don't know. May... You know...

Maybe you just need to find ways to spice up your sex life.

What does that mean?

How does a person just spice up his sex life?

Oh, you put on outfits, fantasy role-play,

have sex in different places,

like at a restaurant or a phone booth.

There are handcuffs, sex toys, videos, lotions,

oils, Tantric massage,

lingerie...

Linda!

Oh, but just so you know,

edible underwear-- very high in carbs.

I am so sor... Linda, please, I'm with a patient.

- Leave us alone. -Oh. Sorry.

Well?

Wh-What she said.

Okay, I want some eggs, some bacon, some toast and...

Oh, for... Where is she now?

Damn stupid thing!

- Ow! Ow!

I take it breakfast is not happening.

Well, we have no sprinklers, no water, no coffee.

And if I were you, I'd pee down at the gas station.

- Yeah, who called it? -Yeah.

Hey, guys.

Oh, Bobby. So how was your date?

Were you the good cop or the very, very bad cop?

Shut up.

He didn't show. I got stood up.

Well, why are you so upset?

You were in here whining for two hours

that you didn't want a date with a cop,

that you just wanted to get out of a ticket.

All I'm saying is that if he wasn't going to show

he could've at least picked up the phone and called.

You gave him your phone number?

No, but he could've called the theater

and asked if there was a good-looking guy

waiting out front.

Maybe he did.

All I know is that now

I've been stood up by both sexes.

It doesn't feel good. I'm sick of people.

- Get a dog. -Dogs don't like me.

- Oh, for... -You're not gonna believe this.

I had the sprinkler head in position, and then...

and then I broke the pintle screw.

Oh, not the pintle screw.

- You know, I hate it when that happens. -Oh!

You know, I thought I could do this, but I can't.

Every time I get the frame in place,

I-I can't screw it in.

Well, you want me to go take a look at it?

You working on your sprinkler system?

No, I'm playing golf.

Well, if you're using that 16-inch pipe wrench,

it's got more torque than you need.

That's why you broke the pintle screw.

Wow, you, uh...

you really seem to know what you're talking about.

Are you a plumber?

No, I'm a caddie.

Swing and a miss. Strike one.

I never realized how difficult plumbing was

until I tried to do it myself.

Whatever.

Foul ball. Strike two.

You, uh... you must be really smart.

I mean, you know, with all the wrenches

and bolts and stuff.

Any chance I could get you to take a look at it?

Yeah.

For 90 bucks an hour.

Strike three, and that's the ball game.

Hey, let me get this straight.

Now, is flirting bad, or are you just bad at it?

I was not flirting. I was...

Oh, leave me alone.

Uh-oh, Bobby, Officer Boyfriend's here.

Look, I wanted to come in and apologize for last night.

Oh, that's right, the movie.

We were supposed to meet there.

Yeah. I'm sorry. I got a call at the end of my shift.

There was an armed robbery at a liquor store.

Mm-hmm.

Turned into a high-speed chase.

It was on the news.

That was you?

I mean... I might have saw something about that.

It got a little hairy. Shots were fired.

From real guns?!

Wow! Did you catch the guy?

I mean, how fast were you driving? Were you scared?

When you're a cop, you learn to live with fear.

But we got him, and luckily, no one was hurt.

Well, sit down. Tell me all about it.

Well, actually, I gotta run, but if you want,

we can talk more about this tonight.

Let's say dinner at Dominic's, 8:00?

Great!

See you then.

Did you hear that?

He was in a high-speed chase,

and I just made another date with a cop, didn't I?

Hey, look, wait.

I got to tell you... I'm not gay.

Neither am I.

I'm just a lonely guy reaching out

for a little human companionship.

Oh, okay.

Well, then I'll see you later, Officer Ba-keen.

Call me Francis.

Look, if, uh, Mr. and Mrs. Whit-ford call,

please tell them I'm not here.

I don't blame you for wanting to avoid them

after the mess you made of their lives.

Look, do we have to go over again

what I did and did not say?

It sure would help me.

Oh, no, no, I can't listen to that again.

I'm going for a walk,

so just please tell them I'm not here.

Well, if you're going for a walk, then you won't be here.

Exactly.

So Why'd you even bring it up?

If they called here and you weren't here,

we'd say you weren't here.

He wants us to say he's not here,

because he knows he screwed up.

I did not.

Look, those people are driving me crazy.

So even though I'm going now,

when I come back or whenever they call,

I still want you to tell them I'm not here.

Couldn't I just tell them you're at a medical conference?

You know, Margaret, if I ever snap, that one-- first to go.

Oh, look at this.

Why did you tell my husband

that we should have a three-way with my sister?

You said that?!

No, I never said that!

Excuse me.

Dr. Becker's at a medical conference.

Linda...

Oh, sorry. He's out for a walk.

Look, all your husband said was

that things between the two of you had gotten a little routine.

Oh, so now he thinks that I'm boring in bed?

No, he never said that.

Well, obviously he said that to her,

and he must have gotten it from somewhere.

Look, I don't know what he said to her.

I just know what he said to me.

And what I said to him was, you know,

maybe he should use a little imagination in the bedroom.

Oh, that's all you said?

I heard something about handcuffs, outfits,

videos, lotions.

- You said that? -No, you said that.

Oh, so now you're blaming Linda.

- What? I... -Fine, fine.

You want me to make it more exciting for my husband?

I'll invite over the super,

my next-door neighbor and the mailman.

And then in nine months,

Barry can try to figure out who the father is.

All right, but when you talk to your husband,

remember, you said that, I didn't.

Bet you wish you were at that medical conference now.

For crying out...

- "oh, geez!

- What? -Hey, sorry to bother you...

Why is it so dark in here?

Hey, you know, I had those off for a reason.

You know, I'm trying to relax.

I've had a very bad day.

Are you raising pigeons?

Oh, no, it's a relaxation machine.

It makes those nature noises.

It's supposed to help reduce stress.

You'd be amazed how many people give them to me for Christmas.

I'm amazed anyone gives you gifts at all.

You know, be nice to me, will you?

I've had a really crappy day.

L-I've been stalked by this crazy couple

who want to have a baby.

You know, I just want to get away from people

and all their insecurities and neuroses.

Okay, then I'll make this quick.

- Do you think I'm pretty? -What?

Come on, how would you rate me? Give me a number.

You know, seven, eight, ten... ten?

Why are you doing this?

Because I flirted my ass off with that plumber.

I gave him the hair twirl, th-the cleavage, the pouty lips.

I got nothing.

Ah, yes. So you were flirting.

Well, of course I was flirting.

I am a woman. That's what we do.

I mean, what do you think these are for, your pleasure?

- They're to get stuff done.

What the hell's wrong with you?

Telling my wife she's boring in bed?

How did you find out where I live?

- That sex toy girl at your office told me. -Oh...

- Definitely the first to go. -Hi.

Look, look, I never told your wife she was boring in bed.

Hey, how did you know his wife was boring in bed?

I never said that.

Well, you must have said something...

What are those, birds?

Aha! I knew I couldn't trust you.

- What are you doing here? -I turn my back

for one second, and you come running over here

to complain to him about our sex life.

- Who's this? -Hi.

- Is she with you? -Oh, God, no.

What's that supposed to mean?

I see what's going on here.

You're having an affair with her,

and that's why you have nothing left for me.

- Her? Oh, come on. - Oh, please!

Hey, hey, what's wrong with me?

Yeah, look, look, look, nobody is sleeping

with anybody around here.

Yeah, it's 'cause you wouldn't give me the damn Viagra.

Wait, wait, wait, I meant it. What's wrong with me?

You can take all the pills you want to, Barry.

I am never sleeping with you again after this.

Are there birds in here?

No, it's the damn relaxation machine.

Lot of good it's doing me. You know,

I made a conscious choice not to have any kids.

Now, all of a sudden, I got two of them.

You know, you're loud, you're whiny,

you're irrational!

You don't do anything I say!

Put that down. You're gonna break it.

Look, for God's sake, you know, you are the last people

on Earth who should ever reproduce.

Are you gonna let him speak to us that way?

- Well, are you? Are you?! - Oh, please.

- Will you shut up! -What?!

Just stop telling me what to do!

You're the reason I can't have sex.

Because you keep deciding when we're having it

and where we're having it and how we're having it.

- Well, that is over! -Barry...

Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!

From now on, I make all the sex decisions.

You can throw out the charts and the graphs,

'cause from now on, we're doing it for fun,

and only when I say I'm ready.

And I think I might be ready.

Wow'!

.5"! {Wt!

Oh, Barry, I've never seen you this way before.

I like it.

Let's go home.

- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah,

just go, you know, anywhere.

Can you believe that?

Those people are crazy!

Well, he was, but I kind of liked her.

- What? -Well, you heard her.

She thought I was a threat.

L-I don't know what I was worried about.

I've still got it.

Oh yeah, you know what? Fine.

What... what's that supposed to mean?

What, you think I'm kidding myself?

You don't think I'm attractive?

- I never said that! -Well, the hell with you!

I don't need your opinion

to validate how I feel about myself.

Oh! Sorry!

They really were ready.