Original subtitles

No, no, you don't understand.

I have called every drug store in this city,

and nobody has what I need.

No, this-this is a very serious condition.

I could die if I don't get this.

You'll have it here by tomorrow?

Great.

Thank God.

Chris, I had no idea you were sick.

What is it, your heart?

My hair.

I ran out of conditioner.

And hey, don't laugh. This happens to be very serious.

Hey, you don't have to tell me.

You think I just wake up looking like this?

Morning, Chris.

Let me have a great big breakfast, will you?

A couple eggs, couple of sausages.

I tell you, everything tastes so much better

now that I've quit smoking.

Bob, is there any chance you use Sculpt 'n' Shine

Leave-In Conditioner for Curls by Sundora?

No, but you can try my Styling Glaze for Men by J'mon.

Mmm... tried it.

It gave my hair a matte finish.

Oh, I hate when that happens.

Hey, may-maybe you guys didn't hear me.

L-I quit smoking.

You know, it's really scary

if I go too long without conditioner.

I should have stocked up.

I was playing with fire.

I don't know what you were thinking, sister.

That's a dangerous game.

You know what else is a dangerous game?

- Smoking. - You know, I have never

gone so much as two days without my conditioner.

Yeah, speaking of two days,

it's been two whole days since I've had a cigarette.

Hey, Jake. How you doing?

Uh, I'm not so sure. Somethings bothering me.

Yeah, well, if you're afraid I started smoking again,

don't worry, I haven't.

Now, tell me if this sounds bad, all right?

Now, last night, Amanda and I were...

well, in the middle of things...

Not bad so far.

What, am-am I even here?

Anyway, we were in bed, and I couldn't tell

if she was yelling out "Oh, man" or "Oh, Stan."

It's Stan.

Well, how do you know?

You're wearing a shirt that has "Stan" written on it.

Wait, wait, wait.

It is possible that Amanda bought him a shirt

and the designer's name is Stan.

Yeah, and that's his logo.

You know, like Ralph Lauren, Tommy Hilfiger or... Stan.

What-what are you talking about?

It's one of those shirts that delivery guys wear.

They bring stuff to my office all the time.

Yeah, but why would a delivery guy be leaving his shirt

in my...

Oh, damn.

Amanda's cheating on me with some guy named Stan.

Jake, that's terrible.

Yeah, I'm sorry, buddy.

Okay, that's cleared up.

Now can we get back to me, please?

You know what? That's it.

I'm going to go home and talk to Amanda.

Then I'm going to go take care of this guy Stan.

The guy stole my girlfriend,

and you know what, come to think of it,

my high-tops are missing.

- Poor QUV- -Poor guy?

His girlfriend cheated on him. It happens.

I, on the other hand, have gone without nicotine

- for two whole days! - Oh.

You quit smoking?

Yeah, why didn't you say something?

Margaret, I forgot to ask--

the fax come in with Mrs. Gilbert's test results?

Oh, the results just got here, but they're not very clear.

Well, of course not to you.

You're not a doctor.

I can't read this.

That's what I was trying to tell you.

The fax machine needs a new film roll.

I'll call the repairman.

What... why'?

Because I can't do it myself.

Margaret...

If I said, "I can't do it myself,"

I never would have quit smoking,

which I have for the last two days.

Now...

maybe it's time you thought about doing things yourself,

instead of relying on other people to do them for you.

Think about it. Here, file this for me, will you?

You better walk away

before I take that soapbox you're on and beat you with it.

Margaret, what do you think you're doing?

I'm trying to fix the damn fax machine.

You don't know how to do that.

Why don't you just call the repairman?

John won't let me.

- Why not? -Who knows?

He quit smoking.

Now he's on his high horse.

Oh.

Well, that's good he took up riding.

Keep his mind off smoking.

Margaret told me you quit smoking.

Congratulations. I'm so proud of you.

I'm glad somebody is.

And I want you to know that I'm happy to be your sponsor.

Sponsor?

You know, the person who stands by your side

and makes sure you never start smoking again.

I'm great at it.

I'm my mom's sponsor. She's quit 13 times.

L-I quit smoking all by myself.

I don't need a sponsor.

Well, sure, not now,

but what happens when you wake up

in the middle of the night

with a need so bad you can hardly stand it?

Alls you have to do is pick up the phone, call me,

and I'll be there for you.

Yeah, don't be.

I mean, not there in bed next to you.

God, I got enough problems without sleeping with my boss.

But don't worry, I'm not attracted to you at all.

- Good. -Seriously.

- Good. -No way.

I get it!

Even

What...?

So, when you wake up in the middle of the night

screaming because you want a cigarette,

just call me, and I'll be there.

Usually, when I feel like screaming,

you already are.

Amanda?

It's me.

Get out here.

I want to talk.

Amanda...

I'm-I'm not... I'm not kidding, Amanda.

I'm serious.

Look, I know all about

what's going on with you and Stan, all right?

I may be blind, but don't think I can't see what's going on

right in front of my face.

Amanda...

Look, you can pull this silent routine as long as you want,

but we are gonna talk about this.

I'll be sitting right out here on the couch.

Just waiting for you.

Why would you do this, Amanda?

L-I thought we had something special.

All right, well, you can't hide in there forever, Amanda.

I'll be out here... waiting.

Amanda?

Amanda?

Stan?

Chris, get out here already with my breakfast!

I'm starving!

Uh...

I don't want to break the news to you, but...

I think your hair is unscrewing.

Oh, my God, it's starting.

All right, all right, all right, calm down.

We can handle this.

First things first-- give me my breakfast.

Hey, there's a delivery truck.

That guy's supposed to bring my Sculpt 'n' Shine

Leave-In Conditioner for Curls by Sundora.

- Chris? -What-what...?

Why-why is he driving away?

- Well, that's a good question. -Hey!

If you'll just give me my breakfast...

Hey, hey, hey! Come back here

with my Sculpt 'n' Shine Leave-In Conditioner

for Curls by Sundora!

Chris, Chris, it'll only take a second.

I'm getting to the bottom of this.

- I'm calling Sundora. -That'd be good,

but before you do that, could you give me the breakfast?

'Cause I'm kind of getting a little dizzy and...

Chris?

Yeah. Hi, hi. Hello? Yeah.

This is Chris Connor. I placed an order yesterday.

- So did I. -Well, well...

What do you mean, it won't be here till tomorrow?

But... you promised it would be here overnight.

What?!

My breakfast!

Two-day service is not overnight!

It's overnight!

Chris...

Yeah, sorry. Here, Bob.

All right, so... so... so...

you promise it'll be here tomorrow?

All right, thank you.

Wow, you were hungry.

Oh, hey, nice hair.

Couldn't get a cab with a windshield?

Shut up.

- She needs her conditioner. - Yeah.

If I don't get it, I'm just... I'm going to go out of my mind.

Oh, yeah, yeah, just like an addict.

Totally dependent on an external substance for your happiness.

I used to be like you.

Yeah, but ever since I quit smoking, you know,

I find my... my peace from within.

Wh-What's it been? Like, three days?

Almost.

That's not the point, though.

The point is that I did it myself

and I've never felt better in my life.

You don't see me all upset, do you?

You don't see me wigging out.

I think... Hey, what the hell were you thinking,

calling me at 2:00 in the morning?!

Sorry, but as your sponsor, I wanted to make sure

you weren't having a craving.

I was having a craving. For sleep!

You know, Linda, I have cravings in the middle of the night, too.

I know. Quit calling me.

Hey, Jake.

Well, you're not gonna believe it.

Amanda moved out.

- Oh, Jake, I'm sorry. -Oh, that's too bad, Jake.

And she took everything with her.

And by "everything," I mean furniture, appliances,

my big-screen TV.

Why do you need a big-screen...?

I just like knowing that I have one.

- I can't believe she did that. - Yeah, I can.

I never liked her.

Unless you get back together.

Then I never said that.

Well, I found this envelope this morning. I'm...

I'm guessing it's a Dear John letter.

I can't believe she left her blind boyfriend a letter.

That's like breaking up with a deaf guy over the phone.

All right, Jake, buddy, I'll, uh,

read it to you here.

Uh... actually, I forgot my glasses.

Here, why don't you read it.

Uh, wow, I-l have no idea what this says.

Her handwriting is atrocious.

Give it to me. lfl can read

Dr. Becker's writing, I can read anyone's.

Except hers.

What, did she have a stroke?

Will somebody just read the damn letter?

Oh, here, give it to me. I'll read it.

See what we got here.

"Dear Jake..."

Okay... it's all pretty standard break-up stuff.

Nothing I haven't seen before.

Oh, here we go.

"I've been sleeping with a guy named Stan

"for the last six months right under your nose.

"We're running off to Vegas to get married.

All the best, Amanda."

Oh, God.

Oh, now I see why nobody wanted to read this.

I can't believe it. I mean, she's-she's going to marry Stan?

It really says that?

Yeah, I mean, you want me to read it again?

'Cause like a whole paragraph of how good he is in bed.

Bob, Bob, enough, enough.

What-what am I gonna do?

Well, you're just gonna be a man, buddy,

and take the pain.

That's what I did when I quit smoking.

Oh, please.

How can you possibly equate quitting smoking

with Jake losing his girlfriend?

Yeah, you're right. Yeah, mine's a lot worse.

I can never have another cigarette.

He can always get another woman.

I need to be alone.

You are alone. She left you.

- Jake, don't. - No, no, no, no.

Let him go. Let him go.

If he's ever gonna get through this,

he's gonna have to toughen up...

like I did when I quit smoking.

You know, we shouldn't have let him leave.

He's got no one to talk to.

It's not healthy to keep your feelings

bottled up inside.

I don't keep anything bottled up inside.

Could you?

Excuse me. I have a package for a, uh, Chris Connor.

Oh! My Sculpt 'n' Shine

Leave-In Conditioner for Curls by Sundora!

Finally, it's here!

I don't get it. What's the big deal?

You don't use hair gel, do you?

What the hell is this?

It's a sex toy.

I ordered something for my hair.

Yeah, well, don't use that.

Your hair looks bad enough already.

Look, you, I ordered a case of Sculpt 'n' Shine

Leave-In Conditioner for Curls by Sundora.

Now, you go back to your shipping depot,

you find it, and you bring it back here

before I turn into the bride of Frankenstein!

Before?

Go!

What am I supposed to do with this?

You really want me to tell you in front of them?

Damn it!

You're still working on that fax machine?

Well, maybe I wouldn't be

if someone would give me a little help.

I'll get Dr. Becker.

Nah-uh-uh. Now wait a minute.

You-you... you just take this roll

while I figure out what to do with this end.

Okay.

I'll get it.

Doctor's office.

Yeah, this is a bakery.

That's why I said "doctor's office."

ls the world full of stupid people, or is it just me?

It's just you.

You know, there'd be some mornings I'd wake up

and I'd think, "You know, why even get out of bed?"

Then I'd look over at the nightstand

and I'd see my little tobacco friend

just waiting there to say, "Good morning."

And then all of a sudden, everything would be okay.

I'm-I'm-I'm way past that now.

You know, not a day goes by I don't thank my lucky stars

-that I quit smoking. -Well, how long's it been?

Uh, let's see, a year from now, it'll be a year and three days.

Ah, for crying out...!

Hey... what happened to my gum?

I had a half a stick of gum in here this morning.

Dr. Becker, are you sure you're all right?

You're showing all the classic signs of relapsing.

But don't worry,

'cause I have just the thing for you.

That's what you got for me?

A... a cat hanging from a branch?

Don't you get it?

The cat's up a tree,

but he's still "hanging in there."

Here.

How's this supposed to help me?

This cat never smoked!

I can't make the roll fit.

I called the company to get the instructions.

What'd they say?

They said they would fax them to me.

I just can't do this!

Well, here.

Hang in there, baby.

Hey, Jake, you in there? It's John.

Yeah, come on in.

Didn't you used to have a doorbell out here?

Amanda took that, too.

Oh.

Wow, you know, I-l thought this place

was going to look bad. It looks fine.

Have a seat here. You want a beer?

No, thank you.

I just thought I'd, uh, come by.

I know it's kind of hard on you.

I wanted to see how you were doing.

Well, actually, I'm not doing too good.

Damn. Forgot. No coffee table.

- You-you want some pizza? -Wha...? Oh.

Did you, uh, pay for this by credit card?

Yeah. Actually, I ordered it by phone. Why?

Well, it looks like you paid $46 for a small cheese pizza.

Damn, this is just not my day.

I don't know what to do, John.

Do I crawl back to her,

or do I go beat Stan up 'cause he... he drove her off

into the sunset in his big, cool, brown truck?

Absolutely not. That'd be weak.

That'd be like me starting smoking again,

which I'd never do, because like I said,

you know, that would be... that'd be weak.

I... I miss her so...

I miss her so much, John.

I mean, I think I'm doing okay, and then...

and then something will remind me of her.

She... she was the first thing I'd reach for

when I got up in the morning.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

But you-you just got to put... got to put that in the past.

Yeah, but I-l don't know if I can.

I mean, John, she was my best friend.

I mean, every... every time I was around her,

I'd... I'd just light up.

- Oh, God! -What?

Look, look, we're just going to, you know...

we're going to get through this, buddy.

I mean, you-- we're going to get you through this.

Thanks. That... that means a lot.

Yeah.

You know, if you need to, you can cry.

No. I think I'm going to be all right.

- John? -Yeah.

Are you crying?

No, no, I'm fine.

I... you know, I'm just sad for you, that's all.

Come on, Chris. Get out here already.

Yeah, we're hungry!

I can't. I'm afraid you'll judge me.

Oh, just put a hat on. Don't be such a baby.

I already did.

Is it bad?

No, no. Not at all.

No, it's a good look for you.

Yow! What happened to you?

Is that my Sculpt 'n' Shine? Give it to me.

- Yeah, just sign right here. -Sign it yourself.

Hey, uh, h-hold up a second, there.

- Me? -Yeah, you.

You're a delivery guy, right?

- Yeah, that's right. -Yeah?

You work in the neighborhood?

- Yeah, I do. -Yeah?

Your name's not Stan, is it?

- No, it's Dave. -Oh.

Do you know Stan?

What are you talking about?

Hey, hey, don't give me that.

I mean, all you delivery guys are the same

with your brown shorts and your muscular calves.

I was with the love of my life for two and a half years,

and then one of you guys came and ruined everything.

Oh, damn, are you Gloria's husband?

- No. -Julie's?

What-what is it with you guys?

Huh? Do... do you just park outside someone's house,

wait for the men to leave, and then go sleep with their wives?

Yeah, that's terrible!

Are you guys hiring?

You people are all crazy. Geez!

Just let me ride in the truck with you.

Is it scary driving without doors?

I don't believe it.

I'm never going to see Amanda again.

Oh, buck up, will you?

Well, yesterday, you said I could cry.

You still not over that? Come on. Let it go.

- John? -What?

I hope you're happy.

I tried to fix that fax machine for days.

It broke me.

I will pay to have that machine fixed myself.

Just, please, don't make me do this anymore.

This is Sculpt 'n' Shine for extra body!

Does this hair look like it needs extra body?!

Is that... is that guy still here?

Maybe what I need is still on the truck.

Maybe... maybe I have somebody else's

and they have mine.

Oh...

Oh, no.

He's gone.

Oh, God.

You people make me sick!

"My girlfriend cheated on me."

"I can't change a fax."

"My hair's too frizzy."

Oh, for God's sake!

I haven't had a cigarette in over five days.

You don't see my whining, do you?

That's 'cause I've got character.

I got strength.

-I got... -shut up!

I can't listen to another minute of this.

I'm just trying to help you pe0Ple-

You know, you are so damn self-righteous.

And annoying.

You know, why don't you just have a smoke already?

- What? What? -Yeah, great, great. If-if only

just to put something in his mouth to shut him up!

- Here, here, smoke! -Oh. Oh, yeah.

Oh... oh, yeah, I get it. I get it.

You think, just 'cause I have a pack of cigarettes in my hands,

that I'm gonna fall off the wagon. Is that it?

You think I'm going to blow five days

of not smoking? Yeah?

Well, I bet you think that if I take one drag

I'm going to get hooked again, right?

Yeah, well, forget it. I'm not. Watch this.

What are you doing?!

Nothing.

Yes, you were.

You were about to smoke this cigarette.

No, I wasn't. I was just gonna,

you know, prove a point.

- Give me that! -Oh!

Face it, John. You were going to smoke.

You are just as weak as the rest of us.

No, I'm not! I'm not.

I was just gonna take one little puff

and then throw it away to show you how strong I was.

But I didn't even do that. That's how strong I am.

Alls I know is

there's a little kitty back at the office

who's gonna be very disappointed in you.

I hate that cat!