Original subtitles

They got 30 handicap parking spots at the gym.

Who the hell's using them?

You think it'd be the one place

an able-bodied man could finally catch a break.

You're bitching about walking a few extra steps

to get to a treadmill.

For your information,

I was trying to park at the gym

so I could go to the Krispy Kreme next door.

And you didn't bring us any?

I ate them on the way back to the car.

Mm-mm-mm.

I don't know why they call this a "drag."

It is heaven.

Hey, cover your mouth. Do you mind?

Will you put that out?

You're making my customers sick,

and you're making me sick, and it's disgusting.

I smoke here every day.

It's disgusting every day.

You should be used to it, then.

See? Your smoking made that woman leave.

Oh, lucky us-- she left the paper.

- Ooh, let me get the crossword. -All right, you know what,

just put the cigarette out, will you, please?

Yeah, fine. You're ruining it for me anyway.

- Good morning, everyone. -Hey. -What's up, Jake?

- Hey, Jake. - Listen, listen.

No breakfast for me this morning.

I got to go on a diet.

These pants are so tight, I can barely walk.

That's the least of your problems.

Since when do you wear lime green pants?

I don't have lime green pants.

I think you do.

Come on. That makes no sense.

These pants were on the chair in my bedroom,

so they have to be mine.

But they are really tight.

And short.

And green.

Well, Jake, why don't I just look in your pants

and see if they're your size?

Well, let me think about how bad I want to know.

Yeah, all right. Yeah.

Make it quick, though.

Wow, satin briefs. I thought you were more like a...

- All right, come on, Bob! -Right, right, right.

32 waist.

No way. I'm a 34.

Well, then they're not your pants. Problem solved.

Yeah, but there's still a problem.

- I'm wearing somebody else's pants! -BECKER: Yeah.

Well, now, I know what you're thinking:

some guy left them on the chair in your bedroom

after sleeping with your girlfriend,

but I wouldn'tjump to any conclusions.

Actually, I was thinking that maybe

Amanda got these for me as a gift.

Take it from me, my friend, those pants are no gift.

I'm-I'm gonna go home and talk to Amanda.

- Yeah, I think you better. -Yeah.

Oh! Oh, my God!

You put your cigarette out in my coffee!

- Yuck. -Oh!

All right, you know what, that's it.

No more smoking in the diner.

As of this moment,

this is a non-smoking restaurant.

- You can't do that. -Oh, sure I can.

Smoking in any eating establishment

is at the discretion of the proprietor,

according to City Ordinance 324259.

Where'd you get that?

It's my high school locker combination.

But... I still say you can't smoke here.

And you know what? You can take these with you.

Yeah, Becker, get those out of here.

That's just stupid.

You know, where am I gonna smoke my morning cigarette?

Smoke at home.

And stink up my apartment?

Yeah. And stink up his apartment?

You know, whose side are you on?

I don't really give a crap.

I just like to be involved.

Look, come on, I have

so few pleasant stops

along the trail of tears I call my life, you know?

Hitting the snooze button twice,

my morning cigarettes here,

you know, and the slow kid at the market

who always undercharges me.

I hate that kid.

He always makes fun of me.

Seriously, it's not fair, you know?

You got to at least give a guy a warning.

Can you read?

There's one right here on the pack.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A couple of rats get emphysema, I'm supposed to change my life?

I don't think so.

Good morning, John.

Not yet, it isn't.

I haven't had my morning cigarette.

That fascist Chris instituted a new rule--

you can't smoke at the diner anymore.

You got any matches back there, Margaret?

Oh, sure. Let me get them for you.

Yeah, thank you.

What the hell are you doing?

I only had two left.

You know you can't smoke in here.

What the hell were you thinking?

Oh, I don't know.

I was thinking, you know, "My office, my rules."

Since when?

Besides, you should quit that filthy habit anyway.

There's nothing to quit. I don't smoke 'cause I need to.

I smoke because I want to.

And right now I really, really want to.

Well, too bad.

There's a patient waiting for you in room one.

- Who? -I don't know.

Linda checked her in before I got here.

You're kidding me. Linda got here before you?

Well, she was wearing her watch upside down.

- She thought she was late. -Oh.

Okay, so you know what to do?

Absolutely.

Tell me just one more time.

What is so hard to understand?

You tell the doctor your dog's symptoms

but make him think you're talking about yourself.

Then you find out what's wrong with him,

and we'll go from there.

Do you really think

I'm going to be able to fool him?

I mean, he's a doctor.

The great thing about intelligent people

is they're really not that bright.

Here you go, Dr. Becker. She's all checked in.

Thank you.

Okay, Holli, what seems to be the problem?

I don't like to chase Frisbees in the park.

Well, neither do I.

How can I help you?

I have no appetite, I'm very tired,

and my nose is warm and dry.

It's usually cold and wet.

I'm sorry, I don't think I understand.

How about this?

I used to love to go outside and chase squirrels.

Now I just lie by the back door and whimper.

Yeah, I-l know you, don't I?

Well, I worked here for an afternoon,

and then I became friends with your...

Linda!

Yeah.

Yes?

What's wrong with this girl?

- She's really sick. -It didn't work.

It's her dog.

What... Linda, I'm not a vet.

Wait-wait-wait a minute.

You-you do know that I'm not a vet, don't you?

Yes, but Holli's dog Fred is sick

and she can't afford to take him to a vet.

Things are really tight right now.

Yeah, I can see that. What...

Come on. What do you want from me?

Well, she has people insurance,

so if you could just find out what's wrong with the dog,

then you could treat him and put her name on the form.

I'm not going to commit insurance fraud.

Well, then treat him for free.

You do it for people in this neighborhood all the time.

That's because they're people!

Okay, fine, but you're gonna

have to break it to Fred yourself.

What?

So, how have you been?

Don't talk to me.

Go ahead. Explain it to him.

Yeah, I'm not talking to a dog, Linda.

Don't look at me like that.

I'm not treating you.

You know, it may not mean anything to you,

but I'm a Harvard-educated physician,

so I'm not gonna treat you.

No, I'm not.

No, I'm not. No, I'm not.

All right, fine. All right, here...

I'll call a vet,

and I'll run a few tests, but that's it.

Any chance he's going to need medical marijuana?

Hey, out!

Coffee to go, please, Chris.

What are you doing?

I was serious. You can't smoke here anymore.

Oh, come on. I would have thought by now you'd had time

to get the ashes out of your teeth.

She's serious, Becker.

This is now a non-smoking restaurant.

Back off, Bob. I still have a lighter.

Between that jacket and your hair gel,

you'd go up like a Texas oil field.

Hey, get that away from me.

This shirt is made out of recycled packing material.

John, if you're really that addicted,

why don't you just smoke on the way over here?

Because I don't like to smoke while I walk.

It blows back in my face, and...

secondhand smoke is very dangerous.

Look, I am not addicted.

You know, smoking is simply a pleasure

that I choose to allow myself in moderation.

I got one of those.

Wait. In moderation?

Aw, forget it. No, I don't.

You know, John, you can rationalize it any way you want,

but if you're smoking, you're addicted.

No, I'm not! And I know that because

I don't have an addictive personality.

Now, just give me my damn coffee before I lose it!

What are you do...

That's very cute.

You're welcome.

Watch out, man.

She is in a foul mood.

Hey, Jake, you talk to Amanda yet?

No, no. I left a message.

I told her to meet me here for lunch.

- So what are you gonna tell her? -I don't know.

I've been racking my brain

trying to come up with some explanation

of how those pants ended up in my house.

Face it, Amanda cheated on you

right under your nose, my friend.

Hey, listen, I want to get all the facts

before I go making any accusations.

You have the facts, okay?

So when she gets here, be strong.

Let her know who wears the pants in the family.

I don't care whose pants they are.

You know, Jake, the only problem

with Bob's advice is that it comes from Bob.

Just give Amanda

-the benefit of the doubt. -Yeah, you know what?

- You are right. -Yeah.

I mean, we've had our ups and downs,

but one thing I know is I can trust Amanda.

She'd never cheat on me.

Hi, Jake.

You lying whore!

What?

Yeah, yeah. I-l wore some lime green pants

that were left on my chair by some guy that you slept with!

You think I cheated on you?

Well, hey, I don't see any other possibilities.

Okay, Jake, you got me.

There can't be any other possibility.

Unless, of course, the dry cleaners

gave me those pants by mistake and I put them on the chair

so I'd remember to take them back.

Okay, that's another possibility.

You know, all the time we've been together,

I've done nothing but love you and-and care about you,

and you call me a lying whore?

Pet name?

No, that hurts, Jake. That really hurts.

It's like you just want to think the worst about me

without even talking to me first.

If you don't have trust in a relationship,

you've got nothing.

Nice work, Bob.

The dry cleaners.

God, it never occurred to me.

Where does she get off saying that I'm addicted to smoking?

I just enjoy it. That's all.

You know how it is.

Right? I mean, you like to lick yourself.

You don't do that because you're addicted.

You do it because it gives you pleasure.

And... well, because you can.

So, you know, I don't care what Margaret says.

I'm going to have a little cigarette here.

And you, uh... well,

- lick 'em if you got 'em.

Oh, I'm sorry, pal.

That must have hurt.

Mm. mm. mm, mm.

John?

What are you doing?

Are you smoking?

You better not be.

And get that dog out of here.

It still hurt a lot less than if she caught me. Ooh!

All right, Ms. Turner,

put this cream on three times a day,

and if I were you, I would stay out of the tanning salon.

Unless, of course, the look you're going for

is broiled lobster.

Idiot.

Ooh, these girls can be so dumb.

Tanning salons are so bad for you.

Oh, come on, Margaret, you remember what it was like

when you needed a quick tan

for a big occasion like the prom.

No, Linda, I never needed a quick tan.

Oh, my God, Margaret, I'm so sorry.

You didn't go to your prom, did you?

Oh, great. Hey, that's my chair.

Come on, get up.

What's the matter with you there, buddy?

Come on, what could be so bad?

He won't talk. I already tried.

Do you have any idea what's wrong with him?

Yeah, I don't know, you know?

I ran some blood tests, took X-rays.

He still... he-he just sits there.

Whoa, buddy.

You like hamburger, do you?

Oh, yeah, he loves meat.

Holli used to work at a steak restaurant.

She brought him home scraps all the time.

Huh. She doesn't work there anymore?

No. She was fired.

She got tired of wearing the cow costume.

They made her wear that in the restaurant?

No, that was just a thing between her and her boss.

Well, how long ago did Fred get these symptoms?

A couple of weeks ago, I guess.

Around the time she got fired.

And nobody put that together?

Oh, of course!

Fred's depressed because Holli got fired.

See what I have to put up with?

Or maybe he misses the scraps she used to bring home.

You know, I think you're right.

No wonder Fred's upset.

Can you imagine enjoying something every day,

day after day,

counting on it, looking forward to it,

then having someone just take it away from you?

No, Linda, I can't imagine what that's like.

Sure, you can-- it's like you and your cigarettes.

Out. Get out. You just get out, will you?

You know something, if you could answer the phone,

you could have her job.

I've ruined everything.

I mean, Amanda will never forgive me.

Why don't you just send her flowers?

'Cause I don't think FTD carries

a "I'm sorry I called you a lying whore" bouquet.

I never got one of those, but I did get

an "I'm sorry I slept with your sister" muffin basket.

It's a damn shame.

Yeah, it's a damn shame I listened to you.

That's what I meant.

I'm here, Jake. What do you want?

Amanda, listen, I-l just want to talk with you.

I just want to make things right.

Please, let's sit down.

Sure.

You know, I've really

-been wanting to talk to you, too. -Yeah?

Well, okay, you-you go first.

Drop dead.

- Your turn. -I'm-I'm sorry.

Come on, what was I supposed to think?

I found myself in some other guy's pants.

It scared me.

Well, you could have asked me

before you jumped to conclusions.

L-I know. I was wrong, baby.

How can I make it up to you?

Well, you could start by trusting me.

And buying me things.

What, like dinner?

Like jewelry.

Oh, so... so that's all I am to you--

some guy to buy you jewelry.

Ha! If that's all you were to me,

I would have been gone a long time ago.

Wait, so... so now I don't buy you enough things?

You don't buy me anything.

Okay, so you're saying the only reason you're with me

is 'cause the sex is great.

You can tell yourself that.

Wait a minute, you told me that.

Hey, Amanda... Amanda, come back here.

Come back here already!

Wow, that was harsh.

Eh, relax. They'll probably just go home

and have sex like they usually do.

Speaking of which...

you mentioned you had a sister who sleeps around.

Just how low is her self-esteem?

For you? Not low enough.

I had to ask.

Well, Margaret, it has been a long, hard day,

and I am going home.

A long, hard day.

Boy, I didn't think I was gonna make it through,

but I did. Anyway, good night.

John, it's only 2:30.

What? Are you kidding?

This has been the longest day of my life! Damn it!

Hey, why don't we just close early?

Good night.

Oh, great. We lost Linda.

- Well, as long as she's gone... -Nah-uh-uh-uh.

Forget about it. I'll get her back.

Besides, you have a full schedule

for the rest of the day.

Your cigarette will just have to wait.

Oh, please, my cigarette's the last thing on my mind.

- Mm-hmm. -Just give me the chart.

I will go smoke the next patient.

Dinner and...

dessert.

Ah.

Hello?

Oh, not every night.

No. No, me Ilamo no Eduardo.

Me llamo Juan.

Si. Eduardo no vive aqui. No aqui.

Yes, yes, I'll talk to you mafiana.

Oh, no.

Oh, look at that, will you?

500 billion Chinese, you'd think one of them

could invent a leak-proof container.

Oh, God, no.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Shoot, shoot!

I got you, I got you.

Huh. There you go.

Plum sauce.

Well, I might as well start with dessert.

Ah.

Yo tengo fuego.

Oh, yeah.

Ah...

aQué es la problema?

Ooh! Geez! Oh! God! Ah!

Oh, no. Oh, my cigarette.

Where...

I see you! I see you! Yeah. Don't move, don't move.

Ooh!

Oh, for crying...

Ah, there you are.

Oh, oh! Oh, yes! Yes!

on, oh... yes!

Oh!

Yes! Oh!

Oh... oh!

Yes!

- Oh, no, no, no! Oh, oh!

Oh, for crying... Oh...

Oh, relax. I'm a doctor.

There's nothing I haven't...

Whoa.

- Uh...

Say, uh, any chance you folks are gonna...

have a cigarette afterwards?

All right.

Ah...

What the hell.

Lasted this long.

- Hey, John. -Hi.

Want a cup of coffee?

Yeah, that'd be nice.

So, uh... what's new?

- Not much. You? -Usual.

Those cigarettes yours?

Yeah.

Well, they were.

You quit?

Maybe.

Want a piece of gum?

Yeah, that'd be nice.

There's more in the register if you need it.

Thank you.