Original subtitles

God bless you.

There is no God, but thanks for the thought.

The door is stuck.

Well, keep trying; you'll get it.

It still won't open.

Try kicking it!

Ah...

Wait, wait. Hold, hold, hold it, hold it.

Let-let me, uh, give you some help here.

Oh, thank you.

Try shoving it with your shoulder.

All right, fine, move out, move out of the way.

There. Was that so hard?

Oh, thank you so much.

I don't know what I would have done

if you hadn't been here.

Yeah, yeah. I'm a real lifesaver.

Oh, look, you're sick.

Let me heat you up some nice chicken soup.

Yeah, lady, I don't eat hot dogs off carts

or buy lemonade from kids on the street.

I'm certainly not gonna take soup from a total stranger.

Now, good night.

It's got noodles in it.

No!

Shaped like little stars.

Well, maybe one bowl.

Hey, Chris, come on!

I ordered a three-minute egg 20 minutes ago.

Hey, stop right there!

Don't you move.

Now, hold still!

Well, sounds like

the chicken just don't want to give it up.

There's been a damn fly buzzing around here all morning, but...

it's okay. I think... I think I killed it.

Oh, yeah? Who's that? One of the mourners?

All right, nobody move.

It's in the register.

I got him. He's trapped.

Okay. Now what?

Well, since she only opens that for paying customers,

I'm guessing the fly will suffocate to death.

Margaret, I just did the stupidest thing I've ever done.

And we all know the bar is set pretty high.

I went for coffee

in Kevin's neighborhood, and he saw me.

Kevin? Is this the guy who thinks you live in Los Angeles?

Yes, which is where I'm supposed to be today.

See? I told you all this lying would catch up to you.

Why don't you just end this phony long-distance relationship

and tell him that you live here in New York?

I don't want to end

the hottest relationship I've ever had.

The more I don't see him, the more I want to.

Yeah. I'm that way with breakfast.

The more I don't see it in front of me,

the more I want it.

Bob, it's almost lunch. Shut up.

So, listen, listen, when you...

when you saw Kevin, what did you say?

I told him the head of our New York office died

and I came back to the city for the funeral.

So, how did he die?

I don't know. Kevin didn't ask.

What do you care?

Well, I better get out of here.

I told Kevin I'd meet him after the funeral,

so I have to find a black dress

that says both "bon voyage" and "welcome aboard."

Where are you going in such a hurry?

To a funeral. My boss died.

Well, I guess everybody got their wish.

I did go to hell.

- Hey. -So, Becker,

why don't you tell everybody about your hot weekend?

What are you talking about? I was in bed with a cold.

We heard you were in bed with the lady across the hall.

It's true.

That's the rumor going around the building.

All right, John!

Oh, don't be silly.

She's twice my age.

She's 140?

Very amusing.

Ah, take it where you can get it, John.

You know, when I was 15,

I had a relationship with a woman twice my age.

Yeah, she was 30. That was hot.

This woman was hot in the '30s.

I just helped her get her apartment door open,

and she returned the favor by making me chicken soup.

I don't know, John.

A woman her age... sounds like the perfect match.

She's hard of hearing.

She'll think you're delightful.

Yeah, and she probably doesn't see that well,

so she'll think you're handsome.

She's already lived through the Depression,

so she'll probably think you're fun.

You... you guys enjoying this, I hope.

- Oh, yeah. -Oh, yeah.

- Loving it!

Let me just get a cigarette, and I'll get out of your way.

No, no, no, no...

What?

I trapped a fly in there, and you let it out.

You put a fly in there with my cigarettes?

You know how unhealthy that is?

Oh. Hey.

All right, it happened again.

This is the third time this week

I've gotten a package addressed to a "Mrs. John Becker."

Oh. Hey, my CDs finally arrived.

Yeah. Solid Gold Hits from the 70s.

Yeah, that's groovy.

Listen, why do you keep sending things to my apartment?

So I don't get all the junk mail they send afterward.

Oh, you know, I should be angry with you,

but now that I know your taste in music, I just pity you.

Are you, uh... you baking bread?

Oh, muffins, actually.

Yeah, Mrs. Firth, my neighbor, made them.

Oh, your girlfriend.

Oh, come on, she's trying to be a good neighbor.

You know, she's over here baking, dusting, ironing.

She even scrubbed out the bathroom.

All this time, I thought my shower door was frosted.

You know, John,

you are treating that sweet old lady

like she's your maid.

You're taking advantage of her.

I'm not taking advantage of her.

Boy, that pigeon poop

sure builds up on the fire escape.

I did not ask her to do that.

Mrs. Firth, this is, uh,

Chris from upstairs. You know her.

- Oh, yes. -Hi.

I've seen you around the building.

Well, it's nice meeting you.

And don't let him work you too hard.

Oh.

- She's very sweet. -Huh.

Try not to break her heart...

or her hip.

Hey, Mrs. Firth.

Yeah, I-l don't want to take advantage of you.

You don't mind doing all of these things for me, do you?

Oh, not at all.

It's so nice having someone to do things for.

Oh, Oh...

Uh...

Miss... Mrs. Firth?

Oh.

Someone has been working out.

Look, I-I'm sorry.

I may have inadvertently led you astray here,

but I-l just want to be neighbors.

That-that-that's all.

You don't find me attractive?

That-that's not the point.

I... I mean, you're very...

You know, I'm sure, you know, for a woman your...

I'll bet, in your day, you...

I-I'm married.

- To whom? -To whom?

Uh, to whom do you think?

To my wife.

To-to, uh... to Chris, as a matter of fact.

Chris-- the girl who was just here.

See, look at that.

"Mrs. John Becker."

That-that's her-- my wife.

Well, if you're married, why doesn't she live here?

Because she lives... upstairs, and, uh...

we're-we're-we're going to, uh, turn this into, uh,

one of those, you know, duplexes.

Break through the ceiling.

It's going to be fantastic.

L-I got plans here.

So, anyway, the point is... the point is that, um,

you know, th-that's why this is just not

going to happen for the two of us.

You understand that, don't you?

Of course you do. Anyway, bye-bye.

Are you saying that, if you weren't married,

you and I could be together?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

L-I couldn't take my hands off of you.

But, uh, unfortunately, I am married to-to Chris.

So, you know, what are you going to do?

AnVway, good night Bye-bye.

Okay, then.

I'll see you.

Damn fly. This is my breakfast.

Can't you do something about this?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've been trying

to get rid of it for two days,

but it just sits there with its bug eyes

and its stupid little fly face, mocking me.

Wh-Why don't you just catch him?

You know, I used to catch flies for fun when I was a kid.

You played with flies?

Well, we were poor. I had a Big Wheel and a fly.

Now, see, they got eyes on either side of their head,

so if you go directly at it, they never see you coming.

Then you just grab it.

What do you got to lose? Give it a try.

- Yeah. -All right, well, what the hell.

Ooh, ooh! I got it!

- Sh-She got it, she got it! -l-l-l...!

It worked, it worked.

It's in my hand.

- Ew! It's in my hand.

Oh, come on. All right, you know what?

The only reason he bothers us is because we let him.

Let's ignore him, he'll think we don't care,

then he'll leave.

All right, all right, all right.

All right, that's it!

We cannot catch it. We can't ignore it.

We have to kill it.

I'm going to go down to the hardware store,

I'm going to get some poison,

and we'll gas the little bastard.

Out of my way, Becker. I'm going to buy some poison.

Oh, don't give up on yourself there, Bob.

There's always night school.

Uh, do me a favor, will you?

Uh, if you see Mrs. Firth in the building,

back me up on something; I told her that you and I...

Oh, Chris, I put the muffins in the oven.

- Just give them another 20 minutes. -CHRIS: Oh, thanks.

Wh-What... what are you doing here?

Oh, hi, John.

Chris and I had a lovely morning getting to know each other.

Why?

I've been telling Mrs. Firth

all about our wedding day.

Oh, thank God. Oh...

Yeah, whoa, what a great day that was, too!

Just the beginning of many happy years together.

She just told me that you're getting a divorce.

Thanks.

Thanks a lot, yeah.

All right, all right, the truth is...

going through a little rough patch here,

but, you know, I still love her,

and I'm-I'm willing to fight to make it work.

John, I don't think we can repair this.

- Yes, we can. -I don't think so.

- We can. -No, we can't.

Please, I'm begging you.

You know, the begging was cute when we first met,

but not now.

Besides, the sex is so bad, and...

Frankly, once that goes, what's left?

I'll have you know that many of the women I've had sex with

have been-- and I'm quoting here--

"relatively pleased."

Well, it looks like nothing is standing in our way now.

No.

I guess you're all mine.

No, no, no...

All right, you... All right, you know something?

I've been trying to spare

your feelings here, but you know what?

If you're not gonna take "no" for an answer,

I'm just gonna have to be harsh.

You're sexy when you're angry.

Really? You think so? Because I find that he's...

- Hey, just shut up, will you? -You're right,

you're right, you're right, you're right.

I'm sorry. I should leave you two alone.

Look, Mrs. Firth, I... I lied to you.

I don't want to be with you.

Oh, but you will be.

You're what I want...

and I always get what I want.

Margaret, I'm leaving. Wish me luck.

If you think you're leaving in the middle of the day,

you're gonna need it.

But I'm taking your advice.

I called Kevin. I told him to meet me at the diner.

I'm gonna tell him the truth.

Can't you do that on your own time?

Margaret, could you be serious for just a minute?

If I don't do this now, I never will.

You were right-- I can't continue to live a lie.

Bye.

- Where are you going? -Jury duty. Bye.

Oh, Margaret, yeah, a Mrs. Firth

from my building calls, I'm not in.

Oh, your girlfriend.

Lovers' quarrel?

It's not funny. The other day, she molested me.

What?

Yeah, she grabbed my ass.

I mean, I-l was groped by the boney fingers

of a horny senior citizen.

Maybe it would help

if you thought of her as three SO-year-olds.

Look, you-you don't understand.

This woman is tormenting me.

She was just over at the diner. She kissed me.

And then last night, the phone rings,

all I hear is heavy breathing.

John, are you sure it was her?

Oh, it was her all right. Before she hung up,

I heard her clap the lights off.

Margaret?

What is it now?

All right, this just turned creepy.

She was here.

- Who? -Mrs. Firth.

She left soup on my table here. Look at that.

I recognize the bowl. That's her china pattern.

What are you so afraid of? She's an old woman.

Yeah, she's an old woman who's stalking me.

You know something, I'm calling the cops.

Fine, you do that,

I'm going to draw a chalk outline

around the evidence.

Yes, yes, I'd like to report a stalker.

Yeah, she's very scary, very dangerous.

Uh, female, about 75 years old, weighs about 95 pounds,

she w... she wears those little orthopedic shoes.

This is not funny!

Look, you know, she-she touched my butt,

and then she left soup here in my... on my desk.

--Hello? Hello?

_l-ley- _l-ley-

So why did you want to meet me here?

Hold on, I left my gum in your mouth.

You want it back?

I'll get it later.

So what's going on?

I thought you were going back to Los Angeles

after the funeral.

Kevin, I've got something to tell you.

Okay.

I haven't been completely honest.

I didn't come in from L.A. because my boss died.

There is no boss. I made it all up.

I live in New York, and I have the whole time.

Wow. I... can't believe it.

I know. I'm so sorry.

But I only lied to keep things exciting.

No, I can't believe you finally told me.

I knew that all along.

But how?

I see you everywhere.

Why didn't you say something?

Well, that whole long-distance fantasy thing was your idea,

so I figured you were into it.

Besides, when you're pretending to be in Los Angeles,

I get to date other women.

- You cheated on me?! -Oh, come on.

I've seen you with other guys all the time.

You spied on me?!

Well, that's it. Forget it.

I can't have a relationship with someone who's so dishonest.

Linda, whoa, whoa. Linda, Linda...

our entire relationship is based on dishonesty.

Oh, right, I forgot.

So... so what do we do now?

I guess we have to break up.

Yeah.

Though it seems a shame to give up such great sex.

Although, if things were hot

when we only saw each other every few weeks,

imagine how great they'd be

if we thought we'd never see each other again.

- Hey, Linda. -Hi.

This your boyfriend?

Yeah, this is Kevin.

Things are so great,

after tonight, I might never see him again.

So that's the key to a successful relationship.

Finding a woman who never wants to see you again.

Hmm, I'm doing a lot better than I thought.

What's up, Chris? Can I get a cup of coffee?

So, uh, how's that thing working outwith the fly?

I don't see him around.

Well, I use that spray you brought, and, uh...

-and I guess I killed him. -Oh.

Well, glad I could help out.

So he's gone?

- Yeah. So... -Good.

Done.

Hey, What's going on?

Chris killed the fly.

Well, it's about time.

But it is, uh... kind of quiet in here, huh?

Well, I-l thought you guys hated it.

Well, you know, I did, but I kind of got used to it.

Kind of like Bob.

So you'd be sad if she killed me?

I asked you a question.

Sure, I would. Sure, I would.

- Wow. So the fly's really gone. -Yeah.

You know, this may sound a little weird, but, uh...

I think I just might miss that little guy.

Well... well, you know, maybe I didn't kill it.

L-I didn't actually see it die.

Maybe it just flew out the window.

Well, that's what I'm gonna think.

- Yeah, me, too. Me, too. -Yeah, all right, yeah, yeah.

All right, he's back! He's okay!

Oh, thank God! I didn't kill him.

Hey, I'm glad he's back.

Hey, you know what? I got the perfect little box at home.

I'm going to go home and make him a little flyquarium.

"FWqUarium"?

He needs all the friends he can get.

Just let him go.

Hey, guys. Coffee, please.

Hey, what are you doing here so late?

Oh, I can't go home. I might bump into Mrs. Firth,

who, thanks to you, is still stalking me.

I'm sorry. I couldn't stay in an unhappy marriage.

- .very funny.

I should never have helped that old bag out in the first place.

That's what I get for being such a nice guy.

Oh! What?

What?

Well, you-you killed it!

Oh. If that old lady would stand still long enough,

I'd take care of her, too.

What?

Come on.

Crazy...

Oh! Geez!

How... how the hell did you get in here?

I made a copy of your key.

Was that bad?

Do you want to punish me?

No, no, no.

Oh, playing hard to get. I like that.

What do I have to do to make you stop?

There's nothing you can do to make me stop.

I know where you live, I know where you work,

and I'm never going to quit.

Yeah, yeah, all right, you know what... you win.

You know, I give up. You win.

I always do.

No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait.

Look, I'm-I'm not the kind of guy

who just jumps into bed on the first date.

Now, now, tie that thing up.

Look, I-I-I need a little...

I don't know, some romance or something.

You know, maybe-maybe dinner.

That sounds nice.

We could go to that little Italian restaurant

on the corner.

Oh, that'd be great.

Now, see, that's exactly what I'm talking about.

I'll tell you what, why-why-why don't you, uh,

go home and change?

I'll, uh... come back,

and I'll-I'll pick you up in a few minutes, all right?

You wouldn't be trying to trick me, would you?

Wha... How could I?

I mean, like you said, you know where I live,

you know where I work. I can't hide from you.

That's right, you can't,

and I'm glad you understand that, John.

I'm going to go home and change.

All right, I'll be right over.

Now, why would you do that?

Because I don't know what else to do!

Do you really think a locked door will keep us apart?

No.

That's why I'm moving this sofa over.

Do what you want,

but you can't stay in there forever.

Hey. Hey, Mrs. Firth, how you doing?

Hello, Bob.

You get locked out of your apartment?

No, the door's stuck.

Oh, here, let me help you.

Oh. Thank you. It's so nice to meet

a nice, polite, young man, for a change.

Eh, it's no problem.

Sometimes you just got to give it a little shove.

Oh. Oh, thank you.

No problem. I'll see you.

Oh! Oh, dear, you're sick.

Yeah, I think I'm getting a cold.

Oh, that's too bad.

Why don't you come on in for a nice bowl of chicken soup?

I don't know, Mrs. Firth.

I mean, you know how people in the building talk.

What if someone sees me going into your apartment, huh?

Oh, don't be silly, Bob.

You're sick, and you need someone to take care of you.

Well, I...

I guess one bowl couldn't hurt.

Tag. You're it.