Original subtitles

You know, Linda, I may not be on the cutting edge of fashion...

Oh, I'm so glad you admitted that.

I could totally help you.

Thank you.

Uh, but what I meant is, why are you wearing four watches?

Oh, they help me keep my story straight

with my boyfriend, Kevin.

See, this one's on L.A. time,

'cause that's where he thinks I live.

New York time, 'cause that's where he lives.

Paris time, 'cause that's where I am today.

And this one's... well, this one's broken.

I just wear it 'cause it's cute.

Well, I'm used to being in the dark.

How's everybody else doing?

Wait a minute. Maybe I can help you.

See, Linda met this guy Kevin here in New York.

But, in order to make things more exciting,

she told him that she was from California.

So now they have a long-distance relationship

even though they both live in the same city.

But why don't they...?

Just because I can say it, doesn't mean I understand it.

So, uh...

where does Paris come in?

Oh, I'm a commodities broker,

and my company sent me there for a conference.

- She's a... -Nah-ah, uh-uh-uh.

Oh, all right.

So how's the weather there?

A little chilly this time of year.

No, I meant in the fantasy land you're living in.

I mean, why would you pretend to be living

apart from someone you want to be with?

Because it's romantic.

Every time I fly in, Kevin picks me up in a limousine

and takes me to a hotel for a few days

of champagne, room service and hotel sex.

I love room service.

You know, and the other stuff, too.

All right, well, if being apart from this guy is so hot,

why don't you just break up with him?

Oh, we're not that serious yet.

Jake, you of all people should understand romance.

You met a woman and married her three hours later.

No, no, that wasn't romance.

That was a lucky man who met an easy woman.

Well, I think it's brilliant.

Haven't you been through that, where the more you see someone,

the less you want to?

Hey. everybody.

Case in point.

Oh, isn't this nice.

Yeah, a weekday morning, my entire staff is here,

enjoying a relaxing brunch.

It was relaxing until a second ago.

Linda, let's go.

I tell you, my neck is killing me.

I must have slept funny.

Oh, so that's when you're funny.

You should see the chiropractor I made up in L.A.

Dr. Tom. He's the best. All the stars go to him.

Why don't you give him a call, see if he's hiring.

Coffees all around.

Wait a minute, you two are leaving, right?

- Yes. -Okay, coffees all around.

Whoa, big spender.

Look at that, three whole coffees.

What happened? Did your last baby tooth fall out?

No, not yet, but anyway, check this out.

This guy in New Jersey found out his great-grandfather

was an Iroquois Indian.

Now he's getting a huge reparation check

from the government.

What's that got to do with you?

I'm one-sixty-fourth Cherokee.

You sure you're big enough to have 64 parts?

Hey, don't mock. My great-great-grandmother

married a member of the Cherokee tribe.

He was a famous warrior.

I even have the bullet he took in the buttocks.

It's been passed down in my family for generations.

Wait, he got shot in the ass?

That means he was running away from the battle.

To warn people how dangerous it was on the front lines.

Anyway, all I have to do is apply for tribal membership,

and then I can cash in.

Oh, please, it's just a scam to get out of work.

Scam? Another false accusation.

This is just the kind of treatment

we Indians have been subjected to for centuries.

Don't your people prefer to be called Native Americans?

Yes, I apologize for being insensitive...

to myself.

Hey, Chief Running Tab.

Uh, aren't you going to cover the round of coffees here

that you bought for everyone?

You already took our land, pride and heritage.

You can't buy me a cup of coffee?

Hey, Kevin.

I can't wait to see you, either.

Well, my plane's just about to take off, so...

Fogged in?

He called the airline and found out

Paris is fogged in.

Wow, it is fogged in.

No wonder I can't see my croissant.

Oh, here we go. Back to the gate.

I'll get back to New York as soon as I can.

Can't wait.

Damn weather's screwing up my system.

I wonder how long it's gonna take for this fog to lift.

I've been waiting since the day I met you.

Hey, Margaret, listen to this:

I'm walking down the street, and some busybody comes to me

and says, you know, "Smile."

So I tell her to shut up and get a nose job.

Which, ironically, did make me smile.

John, Mr. Stoler's waiting for you in your office.

Stoler's here?

Where the hell has he been all this time?

I don't know.

He had his kidney stones out over six months ago.

He was supposed to come in for a checkup.

- Why didn't he come in? -I don't know.

Well, we've been calling him. Why didn't he call us back?

I don't know!

The guy with the answers is sitting in your office.

What are you asking me for?

I don't know.

- Hey. -Oh, hi, Dr. Becker.

Yeah, where the hell you been? I've been worried about you.

Thanks, but I feel fine.

Yeah, but you were supposed to check in with me

a couple months ago.

Uh, I'm sorry about that.

L-I guess I've been putting this off.

Putting what off? Sit down.

Oh, um, okay...

Look, as you know, it-it's been a difficult year.

First, my mother passed away, and then my-my dad, and...

then, of course, I got sick, um,

and I've-I've kind of been struggling to find something

to make sense of it all.

And I-l finally have.

Oh, good. Well, I'm happy for you.

It's um... Christian Science.

Yeah...?

I'm not going to be your patient anymore.

Yeah, yeah, look, you can do anything you want.

Just keep taking the medication I prescribed.

You are doing that, aren't you?

No. Look, don't you understand?

I'm putting my faith in God to heal me.

Yeah, look, look, this is not something

you can fool around with, Mr. Stoler.

You know, if you don't take those pills,

your kidneys could fail,

you could be on dialysis for the rest of your life.

Which, trust me, is not as much fun as it sounds.

All I know is, I found all the answers I need

in Christian Science.

No, I found all the answers you need

at Harvard Medical School.

What the hell happened?

You know, I-l always thought you were a bright guy.

Well, I did go to Yale.

Still, you should know better.

I knew you were going to react this way.

This is why I didn't want to come in here.

Well, if you're going to behave like an idiot,

what the hell do you expect...?

Actually, you know what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

There's no need for me to get upset like this.

There's an easy way to solve this.

I'll just take some blood, I'll run some tests,

and when you see how high your uric acid levels are,

you will thank God that he sent you to me.

That won't be necessary.

What's the matter?

Afraid of what we're going to find out?

No, I think it's a waste of time.

I've never felt better.

I think that what I'm doing is working.

Wouldn't you want to be sure?

Okay, okay.

Take my blood, take my blood.

But I'm only doing it for you.

My cup runneth over.

Ow! Damn!

Uh, right in here.

Linda will be right there.

Are you all right?

No. I just slept on my neck wrong.

It's killing me.

If you like, I'll pray for you.

Oh, goodie.

Guess who just discovered the Lord as his savior.

Well, I'm gonna rule you out.

Yeah, Mr. Stoler.

You know, suddenly he's a Christian Scientist

and he doesn't need medical treatment.

You know whose fault it is, is the damn drug companies.

Charge so much for the pills

that people take the cheap way out and turn to God.

Oh, please, John.

Are you so closed off that you can't understand

someone searching for spiritual answers?

I'm not closed off.

I just don't want to hear about it.

Well, miracles do happen.

There have been cases where someone was just...

Oh, fine, fine, Margaret. Let's just throw medicine out.

You know, bring on the tea leaves and the magic beans.

I mean, hell.

You know, my grandmother used to swear

you could cure a sore throat

by tying a red scarf around your neck.

Why red?

Maybe it went with her bag! I don't know.

What difference does it make?

It's just as crazy as what Stoler's doing.

I tell you, my neck is killing me.

Why don't you take something?

Oh, no, no, no. Absolutely not.

No, no. Mr. Stoler is going to heal my neck

through the power of prayer.

Well, if I was going to ask God for help,

I certainly wouldn't be dragging your name into it.

Oh, shut up.

- Neck still bothering you? -Yeah.

You know, I read this article about reflexology,

and I think it might help you.

It was in this week's People.

Oh, right, right, People.

You know, that was the first thing

they made us read at med school.

You know? They start off

with what to put in your waiting room,

and then they'd work backwards

until you got to actual medicine.

Fine. Be in pain.

It's more fun for the rest of us.

Good news! I got my application into the tribe.

When my story checks out--

well, let's just say my days of working as a super are over.

So, you're gonna stop hiding

from your tenants in the basement

or ducking into stairwells

when one of us walks down the hallway?

Trust me. That's more stressful than the work.

Coffee to go, please.

You know, Bob, you still owe me

for that round of coffees yesterday.

And you owe me for the slaughtering of our people

and the theft of our land.

I was out of town that weekend.

That's still three bucks for the coffee.

Oh, yeah, good.

Linda, do you know if the, uh, test results

on Mr. Stoler came in yet?

Okay, I'm kind of on a break right now.

Yeah, well, I was thinking maybe you were working

when the results did come in.

If I was working when they came in,

wouldn't I have been too busy to notice?

You know, when I'm losing a battle of wits to you,

it's time to go.

I'll see you guys later.

I'm gonna go to a... some hospital

in Long Island City to check on a patient.

I have no idea where it is.

I'll go with you.

My people make excellent guides.

So, tell me everything.

Did you meet Kevin at the airport?

Was it really romantic?

Don't I wish.

Paris is fogged in, and I'm stuck there.

At this rate, I'll never get to see him.

You know, there's this new thing

that could get you to New York in minutes.

- Really? What? -The truth.

Hop in a cab, drive the three miles

to Kevin's place, and tell him that you live here.

Are you out of your mind?

I love Kevin way too much to tell him the truth.

Linda, you're not stuck.

I can get you to New York by tonight.

You just fly out of a city that's not fogged in.

You get to the Paris train station,

hop on the Eurostar to London, grab a bus to Heathrow,

and catch British Air flight 177 to JFK.

Wow. That sounds great.

So, will you be needing a rental car

when you arrive at your destination?

Oh. I used to be a travel agent.

Hear that?

Chris can get me to New York by tonight.

I could get you to Bellevue in half an hour.

Did they fax over Mr. Stoler's test results yet?

Not yet.

What the hell is the matter with those people?

Didn't you tell them there's a rush on this?

John, do you really think

standing here barking at me is gonna

make that fax get here any quicker?

Oh, shut up.

Now, see, that's what I like about science.

You can't argue with cold hard facts.

Right is right.

Well, this is wrong!

It says his uric acid levels have improved.

You think maybe God had something to do with that?

Yeah, my money's on slow Lenny at the lab.

Lenny is not slow.

The man wears a helmet.

He rides a bike to work.

But he doesn't take the helmet off

once he gets there.

Look, there's no way Stoler's improving.

I want you to call the lab,

tell 'em I want them to redo this test.

I want to see some bad results.

You want your patient to get worse?

It's for his own good.

How can you be so sure

that Mr. Stoler's prayers aren't working?

Because it's impossible.

Besides, he's praying for my neck, right?

It's not getting any better. Watch this.

Ow! Gee.

See, it's killing me.

You know, it's even getting worse.

You know, take that, Jesus!

What the hell?

All right, this book makes no sense.

Maybe this will help.

Sesame seeds.

Oh, yeah, much better. Thank you.

Jake, I'm taking a Wall Street Journal.

I gotta keep up with the market, you know,

so I'll know where to invest all that money

I'm going to be getting from the government.

I'm also taking a copy of Penthouse,

because, well... you know.

Hey, what's that smell?

Did you get a new jacket?

Yeah, and it's real leather.

Cowhide is the fabric of my people.

Chris, do me a favor,

warn me if he comes in wearing a loin cloth.

So, Linda,

only a few more hours, and you'll be with Kevin.

Unfortunately, not.

I just found out Kevin has to fly to Chicago

-on business at 5:00. -Oh...

I'll never make it here in time.

That's what you get for playing this stupid game with him.

It's true. The Great Spirit is not pleased.

Well, I'm not going to let you give up.

There's a daily flight on the Concorde

that'll get you to New York in four hours.

Oh, my God, I've always wanted to fly on the Concorde.

This is a dream come true!

You know, I got some extra money coming in.

Maybe I'll take that trip.

Bob, that makes absolutely no sense.

I'm coming in from London. You're already here.

Dr. Becker, I just want to let you know

that when I was at the diner, I was on a break.

But now that I'm here, I'm 100% back to work.

Oh, great. Look,

have they faxed over Mr. Stoler's lab results?

We have a fax machine?

Get out of here, will you? Just...

John, Mr. Stoler's here.

And the lab just faxed over his results.

Oh...

Oh, crap.

I know, I read it. Mr. Stoler's fine.

"Mr. Stoler's fine." Just leave me alone, will you?

You can go right in.

- Hi, Dr. Becker. -Ah...

How's your neck?

It feels like God's sitting on it.

Sorry. I'll pray harder.

- Did you get my test results? -Yeah.

You have no idea how much this pains me to say this,

but... you're fine.

Your uric acid levels are normal.

See? I don't need those pills.

Yes, you do. Look,

just because this report says your condition is improving,

doesn't mean you're out of the woods.

You know, it could be a fluke, a change in your diet,

some kind of aberration.

This is no aberration.

This test confirms everything I believe in.

No, it doesn't confirm anything.

See-- damn it, this is what pisses me off.

People find religion,

and they think they have all the answers.

Don't doctors think they have all the answers?

I do have all the answers.

Look, pray all you want,

just take the medicine.

No. I don't need it.

This is making me insane.

It's like watching you walk into four lanes of traffic.

And please don't tell me the Lord is your crossing guard.

I'm not asking you to believe this.

I'm just asking you to accept that I do.

- But what if you're wrong? -What if I'm right?

What if you're wrong?

Dr. Becker...

it's not... it's not just about getting physically better.

It's-it's... it's about connecting

with the spirit inside myself and allowing that to heal me.

But what if you're wrong?

I knew you wouldn't understand.

- Christian Science...

I don't want to hear that. Look, I am a doctor.

I only believe in what I can see in black and white.

Here you go.

You gonna get that?

I can't. It could be Kevin.

If I answer the phone,

he'll know I'm not really on the plane.

Besides, at the moment,

I'm watching the in-flight movie.

Linda, I don't get it.

If it's so hot to be in a long-distance relationship,

why don't you actually date someone

who really lives 3,000 miles away?

I don't know, seems like a lot of work.

Linda, what are you doing here?

The Concorde landed two hours ago.

No, it didn't.

I'm meeting Kevin at 3:00. It's only 2:00.

No, no, no, it's not. It's 5:00.

I think I know what time it is. I've got four watches.

Oh, my God, I must have looked at the wrong watch. It's 5:00!

Yes, which means Kevin just left for Chicago.

Oh! I can't believe I missed him!

I can't take this pressure. I give up.

No, no, no, lam not letting you.

This is the most romantic thing

that's ever happened around here,

and I didn't help you travel this far

just to get nowhere.

Actually, you did.

Shh!

I've got it. I've got it.

Just get on a plane and go to Chicago.

There's a shuttle every hour.

That's crazy.

I can't tell Kevin I'm in Chicago.

What if he wants me to come over?

Linda, I mean get on a plane and go to Chicago for real.

Oh, my God! I'm going to Chicago!

Hey, it's chilly there.

Make sure you zip up your straitjacket.

Dr. Becker, I'm going to Chicago.

I might be a little late on Monday.

- It's Wednesday. -I know.

I don't believe this moronic patient I've got.

You ever had to watch somebody do something

you know is going to kill them

but they're too stupid to listen to the facts?

You're kidding, right?

- Hey, Jake. -Hey, Bob.

Hey, that smell-- is... is that your old leather jacket?

Yeah, had to bring the new one back.

Well, what happened to the reparations?

Not quite the windfall you were banking on?

Hardly.

I got a letter of apology, a college scholarship,

and I can stay on any reservation

without a reservation.

So, you didn't get any money at all?

Not one red cent!

Again, I apologize

for being insensitive... to myself.

Well, looks like you're up a creek without a paddle.

But, hey, you're an Indian. You'll make do.

Once again, a Native American

gets shot in the ass by the white man.

You people have no idea

what it's like to be discriminated against.

Yeah, I'm a blind black man.

I just sail through life.

John, here's Mrs. Luton's X-ray. You were right--

looks like there's a hairline fracture in her...

H-Hold it. I'm calling Stoler's wife.

If I can't reason with him, maybe I can get through to her.

The man needs help, Margaret.

Oh, John.

Mr. Stoler's already getting help.

You just don't like the doctor he chose.

Oh, so God's a doctor now?

I mean, is there anything he can't do?

Well...

Wait, h-h-hold on. The machine's answering.

I'm going to leave a scary message.

- Oh! -Yeah, lis...

Now, what-what are you... what are you doing?

John, please don't do this.

You're going to make an ass of yourself.

So what? I do it all the time.

John, you can't deny

that what he's doing seems to be working.

He's not doing anything.

- Spiritually, he is. -Oh, yeah?

Let me ask you something, Margaret.

What's the good of being spiritually whole

if you're physically dead?

John, we don't know why people get sick,

and we don't always know why they get better.

I'm just trying to do everything I can.

You already have.

Uh, by the way, I'm glad to see that your neck is better.

Well, it's not. Hurts like hell.

Okay, but it just seems to me

that you are moving around more easily.

Well, I'm not.

All right.

No.