Original subtitles

You guys are not going to believe what just happened.

- I just came from the gym... -The gym?

I thought the judge said you couldn't go back there.

That was the old gym.

Anyway, I'm standing in front of the big window

watching an abs and ass class.

- Oh... -Wh-When suddenly

they wheel some guy by with a sheet over his head.

- Was he dead? -No, he was in a Halloween costume.

Yeah, he was dead.

Anyway, the poor schmuck keeled over on the treadmill.

He-he was in his 30s, just like me.

I mean, you spend years building a life--

wife, kids, career-- then one day... it's over!

Well, you got nothing to worry about.

You got none of those things!

- Neither do you. - Oh.

So, I'm driving here, all of sudden,

traffic's jammed up because there's an ambulance

that's double-parked right in front of the gym.

It's just sitting there blocking the street.

I mean, how rude is that?

A man died there this morning.

Yeah, Bob saw them carry him out.

Just 'cause that guy's having a crappy day,

doesn't mean I have to.

Whoa, whoa-- wait a minute. That's not all.

As they wheeled the stretcher by,

his cold, dead hand brushed my leg.

I mean, it was like he was saying, "See you soon, Bob."

Wait a minute... how'd he know my name?

One dead body.

You know, until he sees a med studentjump rope

with some guy's small intestine, he's got nothing to bitch about.

You know, suddenly, I'm hungry.

Suddenly, I'm not.

Is, uh... is that a new sweater?

Oh, yeah! Look at that, huh?

Something about it just caught my eye.

Hmm. 99-cent price tag?

I'll have you know it cost damn near

-four times that much. -Oh.

It... it's got a smell.

It's that new clothes smell.

No, it's more like wet dog smell.

Good morning. Can I help you?

Actually, yeah.

I'm looking for Dr. Becker.

Yeah, you know,

I'm trying to eat my breakfast here.

Call the office, make an appointment.

I don't give away free medical advice.

As I recall, you don't give away free anything.

Obviously, he knows you.

- Sorry. -Oh, John.

I slept on top of you for two years.

You'd think you'd remember.

I know I'd remember.

Oh, my God... Rick Cooper.

This-this guy was my roommate at Harvard.

Oh, bunk beds!

Oh, because I... All right. No, thanks.

- Sit down over here. -Yeah, yeah, sure.

Let's catch up.

Well, you look great.

Oh, thanks, man. So do you, uh, except...

What happened to all... you know, the-the big hair?

You really want to talk about hair?

Not really, no, no.

--Let me see, now,

the last time I saw you, you were...

you were wearing that raincoat.

Yeah, well, you know... buy quality, it lasts.

- Yeah. -Last time I saw you,

you were, uh, in a bar in Boston

stark naked doing tequila shots.

What have you been doing all these years?

Pretty much the same thing.

Actually, that's kind of why I came to see you.

Oh, well, I-l don't drink that much anymore.

- Oh, I don't either. I'm in AA. -Oh.

Well, good for you. How's it going?

Pretty good. Pretty good.

Yeah, I've fallen off the wagon a couple of times,

but, uh, I'm doing all right now.

You know, working the steps.

In fact, one of the things they encourage you to do

is to look up people

that you screwed over in the past and apologize.

I don't remember you doing anything bad to me.

We were friends.

Okay. Hold that thought.

Remember that, uh, $200 you were saving to go to Woodstock?

Well, I stole it.

So, thanks to you, I missed a major part of history?

Hey, so did a lot of us who were there.

Well... one concert, 30 years ago.

Okay.

Wait. There's more.

Your senior thesis.

I took it off your desk and put my name on it.

I got an incomplete!

L-I damn near didn't get into med school.

I know. I'm sorry.

Did you do anything else to me in college?

No.

Well, there was our tenth reunion.

I didn't go to our tenth reunion.

I know, but your wife did, and we kind of, you know...

You slept with my wife?!

Look, I know what I did was horrible.

Listen, John, I'm just trying to work through

some of the damage I did in the past,

instead of trying to drown it, okay?

Now...

it would mean a lot to me

if you could find it in your heart to-to forgive me.

Oh, I bet it would.

Go to hell.

Mr. Lerner, I can't give you drugs

just cause your in-laws are in town.

Look... you're just going to

have to drink to kill the pain like everybody else.

Now, go away.

All right, who-who-who's up?

What is that smell?

I don't smell anything.

I think it's your sweater.

My sweater does not smell.

Now, just tell me-- who's up? Please.

Mrs. Root's waiting in room one,

and that guy Rick Cooper called you again.

You want me to get him?

No, I don't want you to get him.

If he calls again, you tell him I'm out of town

or I died-- I don't care.

Would you pick one of those?

I don't want it to look like I have a preference.

Where are you going all dressed up?

- Out to lunch. -With who?

A girlfriend.

What's her name?

Shirley Williams.

Oh, Shirley, how is she?

You don't know her.

I was just trying to be friendly.

Go get friendly with a mop and clean up that storeroom.

Hi, Margaret.

Ready to 9°'?

Sure am.

Margaret, where's...?

Nice to see you.

You, too.

Looks like Shirley needs a shave.

Look at this.

Look at the paper.

dead.

All right, would you put away the obituaries?

Just 'cause that guy at the gym died young

-doesn't mean that you're going to. -Hey.

You can turn your blind eye to this,

but it does not change the fact

that people our age are dropping like flies.

Okay, listen to this:

Frank Carbone, wine collector.

Popped his cork at 41.

This one... Maria Rivera, ballerina.

Danced her ass off the stage at 35.

41.

Buys a yacht to sail around the world.

The day he christened the boat, the Bon Voyage" how ironic--

he hits the deck with a heart attack.

Is there anything in there about a building super

being beaten to death by a blind newsstand owner?

- No. -Check tomorrow.

Where are you going?

To an early grave.

Godspeed.

Hey, can I get some coffee?

Yeah, in a minute.

You know, you may think this is none of my business...

It isn't.

What are we talking about?

Your friend Rick sat here for an hour after you left.

Do you have any idea what that man's been through?

Yeah, my money, my thesis and my wife.

- You know, what are you defending him for? -No, no.

I'm not defending him.

But he's obviously trying to do the right thing.

Just show some compassion.

It won't cost you anything.

It already did. I didn't get to go to Woodstock.

So you missed your chance to bum out 300,000 people.

Let me tell you something.

You know, if I were the one thing

standing between him and his recovery,

I still wouldn't forgive him.

Is that really who you are?

You're just going to hang on to this forever?

No, not forever. Just until I die.

Forget it. Forget it.

I guess I just thought you were a better person.

Yeah, well, maybe I would have been

if I'd gotten to go to Woodstock!

Where's Margaret?

She's out to lunch with a guy named Shirley.

Now, look, Linda, you don't have to come up with some euphemism.

If she's in the bathroom, just say so.

That guy Rick's waiting in your office.

He said you called him.

I thought you didn't want to see him.

I don't.

I'm just trying to be a better person.

Good luck.

I mean...

...good luck.

What was that?

You-you just made a... smelly face.

Do... do you still think it's my sweater?

Well, if it isn't, you got a much bigger problem.

Fine, here, take it.

You know, get rid of it. I don't care.

Four bucks down the drain.

- Hey, man.

Just looking at your Harvard diploma.

Very impressive.

Cost me four years of very hard work.

I had one made up in Times Square for my folks,

cost me ten bucks.

Paid an extra two dollars to graduate summa cum laude.

Can't put a price on a good education.

John, you asked me to come over.

I thought you wanted me to go to hell.

Well, it was pointed out to me by someone

who's always pointing things out to me

that... maybe I could have been a little bit more...

sympathetic?

Let me finish.

Yeah, sympathetic.

Look, I-l know what it took for you to come to me

like you did, and...

let's just say what happened in the past

is in the past, all right?

- Thank you, John.

I know what it takes for you to hawk up an apology.

You have no idea.

So, you know... good-bye, good luck.

Uh, hope things work out for you.

Uh, John, as long as I'm confessing, uh...

There is one more little thing.

How little?

About the size of that gold pocket watch you used to have.

Oh... oh, no.

See, that... that was my grandfather's antique watch.

My-my mother gave it to me for graduation.

I am really sorry.

Do you have any idea what that was worth?

An ounce of pot and a new pair of boots.

You sold that for drugs?

That was a family heirloom.

I loved that watch.

John, I just have to come clean about these things.

L-I don't expect you to forgive me.

No, no, no, I have to. I...

I don't want to be one of those people

who hang on to things forever, so...

I forgive you.

So, we're good?

Any more surprises?

Uh. no, no, no.

Uh... oh, wait a minute. There...

Oh, no, no, no, that wasn't you.

No, that's it.

All right, then we're-we're good.

Thanks.

- Oh...

John, you know how I know I'm getting better?

Huh?

In the old days, I would have kept that.

Oh!

I had a wonderful time.

Me, too.

So, uh... we're on for tonight?

Absolutely.

What are you gonna tell your husband?

That I'm working late.

Will he believe it?

Lewis believes anything I tell him.

I'll see you later.

I'm looking forward to it.

So, how was lunch with Shirley?

Lunch was nice.

We went to a little French place.

I had the baked chicken.

Are you sure you didn't have the baked cheater?

Cheater? What's that?

Some kind of Whitefish?

No, it's a six-foot-tall black guy named Cliff.

How long have you been

having an affair with our medical supply rep?

We are not having an affair.

Then why'd you lie about going to lunch with him?

Cliff and I are just friends.

That's all you need to know.

Well, what does your husband think about all this?

Or have you forgotten about Lewis?

There is an eight-foot stack of pizza boxes in my kitchen.

I will never forget about Lewis.

Now, I suggest that you get back to work.

All right, damn it, I can't find...

Margaret!

Damn it!

Margaret!

What is going on in here?

I need to write Mr. Freitag a prescription.

I can't find the pad.

Well, get another one. They're all over the office.

No, no, this is for a narcotic.

I need the DEA triplicate pad, and it's not in my drawer.

- Are you sure? -Yes.

Well, look again. It didn't just get up and walk away.

Well, I can't find it.

I did look.

No one else has been in here except for...

Well, so much for forgiveness.

Hey, Jake, I wrote my own obituary. You want to hear it?

I don't think I can run fast enough not to.

Okay, how does this sound?

"He was cut down in the prime of life

"by blank at age blank.

"Survived by wife, blank, and children,

blank, blank and little blank."

So, when I die, will you fill it in?

Why don't you have Mrs. Blank do it?

Look, I'm doing the hard part-- I'm dying.

You can't sit down with a pen for five minutes?

Okay, okay, fine. I'll do it.

Thank you.

Wait a minute. What if you die first?

Oh, Bob, don't tease me.

Hey, Becker, will you speak at my funeral?

Couldn't I just dance?

_l-ley- _l-ley-

I took your advice.

I looked up my old friend Rick,

and I forgave him for everything.

- Hey, that's great, John. -Mmm. Mmm.

And then he robbed me.

What?

Yeah, he stole my prescription pad.

See, the DEA issues special pads to doctors

so they can order heavy narcotics--

you know, morphine, Demerol, Methadone.

Junkies like to steal them

and run around town writing phony prescriptions.

What-- you really think he'd do that?

No, no, he's probably just going to get a crayon

and use the pad to make a cartoon flip book.

I had no way of knowing that would happen.

He told you he was a liar and a thief.

What more do you need to know?

He just... he seemed so sincere.

You know, you are hopeless.

My God, what does it take

to get you to think the worst of people?

Oh, hi, Linda.

Is Margaret here?

Hi, Cliff.

Yes, but she's busy right now.

But that's okay.

It'll give us a chance to get better acquainted.

Please, have a seat.

Uh... oh, okay.

I've been wanting to get to know you better.

I like balmy evenings, walks on the beach,

getting thrown around in a mosh pit, and fondue.

What do you like?

Uh...

I'd like to see Margaret.

Come on, Cliff.

Margaret's nice, but she's married.

I'm single...

totally available... if you get my meaning.

It's kind of hard to miss.

What are you doing?

Margaret, Cliffs here to see you.

Get off him!

I'm trying to save your marriage.

I walked in, and she was all over me.

It's all right, Cliff.

In her twisted mind,

she was trying to do me a favor.

Seems like she was trying to do me a favor.

I told you, Cliff and I are just friends.

Oh, come on!

First, you lie about having lunch,

and then I hear the two of you talking about plans for tonight

that you don't want Lewis to know about. What was that?

Cliff is helping me plan

a surprise birthday party for Lewis tonight.

Okay.

But wait a minute.

How do you know Lewis?

Margaret introduced us.

We've been playing golf together.

Okay.

Well, why didn't you just tell me

about Lewis's surprise party?

Because last year, when I tried

to throw Lewis a surprise party, you told him.

The year before that, you told him.

The year before that, you sent him an invitation.

Okay.

Cliff, are you ready to go?

Uh, that is, unless you want to stay here with Linda.

No, no. She scares me.

Doctor's office.

Oh, hi, Lewis.

No, Margaret's not here.

She's um... with a patient.

Okay, talk to you later.

Have fun at your party.

Linda, did you call all the pharmacies yet?

Did-did you report the missing pad to the DEA?

Yes. Did you talk to your friend?

Yeah, right.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

What'd I do?

It's an expression.

Damn it, I've never been so pissed off in my life.

Still not about me, right?

No.

I'm talking about Rick.

Wish I knew where the hell he was.

Oh, he's staying at the Edison Hotel.

How do you know?

He told me before when he was here.

And you didn't think I'd want to know that? Damn it!

Me this time?

Yes, now you!

You must think I'm an idiot!

Yeah, you suck me in with some sad story.

As soon as my back's turned, it's Woodstock all over again.

Write your own damn paper, and keep your hands off my wife!

John, I'm only asking you this

because I've been hearing it all my life.

Have you been drinking?

You stole my prescription pad. It was in my office.

- You were in my office. Now it's gone. -I don't know

-what you're talking about. -Yeah, you just couldn't

help yourself, could you? You just couldn't resist.

Oh, John, you're making an ass out of yourself.

I didn't steal anything.

I'm going to tear this place apart.

- Fine. Tell you what.

You want me to take off my clothes

so you can strip-search me?

Hey, you know something? Don't push me.

I'm a doctor. I know where to look.

What?!

Dr. Becker, remember your smelly sweater?

Yeah, not now, Linda.

Well, I gave it to this homeless guy, but he returned it

'cause the other homeless guys were making fun of the smell.

Anyways, when he gave it back,

your prescription pad fell out of the pocket.

That was lucky, huh?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah. Well, uh, thanks for calling.

Hey, you know, I-l, uh... I never got a chance to ask.

Uh, how you doing? Where you living now?

Found the pad, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, it was in my sweater.

So do you, uh,

fold these socks, or do you roll them into a little ball?

Just... just leave 'em, John.

No, no, I really need to do this.

Fine. Balls.

Any chance this makes us even?

Could it?

Anything to get you to stop touching my underwear.

Thanks.

- Thank you, John. -Yeah.

Well, I... I gotta finish packing

-and, uh, get to the airport. -Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.

Hey, listen, you know, I could give you a lift there.

Maybe, uh, pick up some dinner together, on me.

Wow.

You're going to pay for dinner?

Geez. I'm not the only one who's changed.

Say, John, you know, whatever happened

to that old death-mobile you used to drive?

You know, with the seat springs that shot up your ass

and then the smell of burning oil?

God, I used to think we were going to die

every time we got in it-- whatever happened to it?

It's right outside.

Oh, God.

Morning.

- Coffee? -Yeah.

You know, Chris, the other day, when I...

John, please. No. I-l need to say this.

Uh... I owe you an apology.

You had every right to be angry at Rick,

especially after what he did,

and it was presumptuous of me to suggest

that you feel any differently.

So... I'm sorry.

And I forgive you.