Original subtitles

- You're late. -Not my fault.

One of those damn peace marches was blocking Fordham Road.

Here we go.

Yeah, "give peace a chance," my ass.

You nudge them with your car a few times,

those people are anything but peaceful.

You drove into the crowd?

That's not the point.

You know, one of them snapped off my antenna.

The coat hanger?

Anyway... come on, who's up?

You got Brad Richmond with a sore throat in room one,

and Mr. Wheeler with hemorrhoids in room two.

Didn't we agree to schedule the ass stuff on Friday?

Oh, I'm going to make a couple of calls,

then I'll take care of Brad.

So, that's it, Jennifer?

You're really not going outwith me tonight?

Well, thanks for nothing.

Boy, people call themselves your friends,

but when you need 'em, suddenly they're in labor.

Well, what do you want her to do?

Well, I met this cute guy Perry,

and he's starring in a one-man show.

He asked me to come to it, so I need a friend to go with me.

Why don't you just go by yourself?

Oh, Margaret, you're very sweet,

but I get so tired of having to explain things.

I really like Perry.

But if the play sucks, I'll lose all respect for him,

and I'll need an excuse to leave early.

Why do you need an excuse?

Here we go again.

Without an excuse, he'll think I'm leaving

because he sucks, and that would hurt his feelings.

But what if the play is great?

Well, that's easy.

Then I stay with Perry, and my friend takes a hike.

What do I care?

You know, Margaret,

you and I don't do enough things together.

Oh, yes, we do.

Okay, Brad... take a look at your sore throat here.

Oh, actually, um, my throat's okay.

I told my mom it hurt so she'd make the appointment.

I was just too embarrassed to tell her the real reason.

Which is?

It kind of hurts when I pee.

Okay, okay.

You know, it's no big deal.

Same thing happened to a friend of mine.

It was just a little infection, so he went to his doctor,

and he gave him some pills, and it cleared right up.

So, I figured if you just give me some pills,

I can get out of here.

Oh, sounds good.

What kind of pills?

I don't know.

Well, maybe you should talk to a doctor or something.

Probably is just a urinary infection,

but I'm going to have to run a few tests

and ask you some questions.

Are you sexually active?

Maybe. Why?

Relax, nothing leaves this room.

Yeah, I've kinda been sexually active.

"Kinda"?

Okay, I've been having sex all over the place.

You're only 15.

Yeah, pretty cool, huh?

Fine, I guess, as long as you're using condoms.

Nobody uses condoms.

Wh... What? Are you living in a cave?

There are dangerous things out there.

Not to mention the fact you can get a girl pregnant, you idiot.

It doesn't feel as good.

Well, you wouldn't know that

if you were wearing a condom all the time, would you?

You know something?

You just made a lot of work for both of us.

I'm going to have to run a full panel for STDs.

Sexually transmitted diseases.

What do you mean? Like AIDS?

- Yeah, amongst others. -And you gotta do all this

-just 'cause I don't use condoms? -Yes, that's right.

- Well, do you use condoms with your wife? -I'm not married.

Well, what about with your girlfriend?

Actually, I'm not seeing anybody right now.

But when I do find someone

with whom I wish to have a serious relationship,

and if she feels the same way,

then, and only then,

will we proceed to the next level,

responsibly.

Which means that, yes, I always do wear a condom.

You haven't had sex in a long time, have you?

This may hurt a little bit more than usual.

Where the hell is Chris? I'm starving.

Who do I have to sleep with

to get some breakfast around here?

Somehow I think that would hurt your chances.

Yeah, well, I'm hungry, and I want breakfast.

I mean, she doesn't care about her job enough

to show up on time?

Bob, why haven't you fixed my window?

Everything's got to be done yesterday with her.

Yeah, you said you'd do it two weeks ago.

- I'll get to it. -Why don't you get

off your ass and fix her window?

Whose side are you on?

The side that's cooking the eggs. I'm hungry, too.

Look, Bob, it's driving me crazy.

I can't get my window open.

My apartment gets so hot I gotta take two cold showers

just to get through the night.

Do you know what that's like?

Look who I'm talking to.

- Tell me more about the showers. -Bob!

Good morning.

Hey, John, you want some breakfast?

No, I got something.

As a matter of fact, I'm heating it up right now.

Hey, Becker, you know what I don't get?

Hmm? Why life dealt you such a crappy hand?

No, I've made my peace with that.

What I meant is, you're a doctor, you should know

that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Yet, here you are, sucking on a cigarette.

Me? I start my day with a meal big enough

to give me the energy I need.

To do what? Sit on your ass all day?

You should be able to get by on a Cheerio.

Hey, Becker, you forgot something!

- Too late. -What is it?

A package he was carrying. Let's take a look.

Hey, come on, I don't know if you should really...

Whoa! Condoms.

- Condoms? -Lots of them!

He's got the whole Trojan army in here.

Hey, fellas, did you...

Oh, yeah, there it is.

So, you forget something?

Yeah, as a matter of fact.

What's in the bag?

This?

Oh, I stopped by the store, and I got a couple of boxes

of none-of-your-damn-business.

So, Becker's having sex.

No, there's got to be some other explanation.

Like, like, maybe he uses them to keep his cigars fresh.

I wonder who the lucky girl is.

And by lucky, I mean lonely and desperate.

- All right, here you go, Jake. -Oh.

Orange juice, coffee, eggs, toast and hash browns.

- All right. -And, Bob...

There's no food.

I thought you were going to fix my breakfast.

I thought you were going to fix my window.

Huh! Becker's got the condoms, yet I'm the one getting screwed.

Okay, Mrs. Sherwood, you're next.

Hi. How have you been?

Oh, not too good since the kids moved out,

and, you know, my husband passed,

and then my dog ran away, then the TV broke.

My bunions are acting up.

I was just being polite.

Wait a minute.

Your life's empty.

How would you like to see a play tonight?

Oh, I love the theater.

Is it a comedy, a drama?

Well, it's kind of an experimental, expressionistic,

one-man performance piece.

And it's not exactly in the theater.

It's in the back of a Laundromat in Queens.

I just remembered, I'm busy.

Well, so is the doctor. Go sit down.

But you said I was next.

Sit down.

Margaret, hi.

How would you like to see a play tonight?

You already asked me. I said no.

Damn. I'm already back to you again?

I wonder if my friend Sara is out of rehab yet.

Oh, John.

- Brad Richmond is in your office. -Oh.

The lab just faxed over his test results.

Oh, well, this... this looks good.

That's a relief.

Hey, Dr. Becker,

you want to go to the theater tonight?

Linda, my life's already a cabaret.

Brad, thanks for coming by.

I got a little present for you here-- some condoms.

Oh, come on.

We already talked about this.

Besides, I know all that AIDS stuff

they try and scare you with.

I'm not gay, I don't go to prostitutes,

and even if I did get it, they got that cocktail thing

that pretty much clears it up, right?

Congratulations.

You just reached a level of stupidity

usually only seen in Republicans and other lower primates.

Look, could you just give me the results

so I can get out of here?

I got a date tonight.

Oh, really?

Ah, well, there's a problem here, Brad.

They're-they're not ready.

What do you mean?

Well, sometimes a lab gets backed up,

or sometimes they have to recheck things.

Recheck what?

Something wrong, or...?

Oh, no, no, no, don't-don't read anything into this.

You just... you know, you'll make yourself crazy doing that.

Tell you what, why don't I just, uh,

call the lab later tonight

and, uh, find out what's going on.

In the meantime, take this home and read it.

-"Facts about HIV and AIDS"? -Yeah.

You're really taking all the fun out of sex.

You're not the first person to tell me that.

I can't figure out who John could be sleeping with.

Hey, hey, maybe it's that lady cop.

Nah, he hates her.

Yeah, well, if you try and narrow it down

to people that Becker doesn't hate,

we'll be here all day.

And, besides, think about it.

I mean, he walks out to his car,

she's giving him another ticket, he curses her out,

she yells at him, next thing you know,

they're in the backseat of his car getting...

Okay, okay, okay, okay, I-I-I gotta stop you.

You haven't seen the lady cop.

You need the jaws of life

-to get her into a car. -Oh.

- Hi, guys. -Hey, Linda.

Hi, Chris.

Linda, what's wrong?

You don't look so good.

Hey, you don't look so good yourself.

Nice sweater.

I meant, you look sad.

Oh, sorry. I am.

I want to go see this play tonight,

and I can't find anyone to go with me.

Really? What's the play?

Actually, it's something you might really like.

It's kind of an off-Broadway thing.

Everyone's talking about it.

In fact, Margaret mentioned it twice today.

Sounds great. I'd love to go.

Fantastic.

I'll pick you up at 6:00.

Okay.

Bob, what are you still doing here?

You promised to fix my window.

Look, if it's not working by tonight,

I'm going to call building management and report you.

- Are you done? -Yes.

Good. 'Cause I just came from your place,

-and your window's fixed. -Oh.

You may apologize when ready.

All right, I'm sorry.

It's all right.

Oh, by the way, that vase on your mantle...

I'm sorry, but I accidentally broke it.

My grandmother's ashes are in there.

Oh, well, uh...

don't clean out your Dustbuster.

Mmm...

Oh, damn, Bob.

Oh, God.

Geez!

What the hell are you doing?

I locked myself out of my apartment.

Can I go through yours to get back upstairs?

Yeah, whatever.

Sorry to scare you like that.

- You didn't scare me. -Really?

Then who was that screaming like a little girl?

Very funny.

There's the door. Go on.

I'll tell you, this is the perfect capper to a lousy night.

Starting with that god-awful play Linda took me to.

It is the worst thing I've ever seen in my life,

and that includes my sister's C-section.

This guy, he walks out onstage, took off all his clothes,

sat on a metal chair,

and just... bitched about his mother.

Then I get home, and since Bob told me

he fixed my window, I step out on the fire escape,

and like an idiot...

I wasn't really sleepy before,

but damned if I'm not now.

All right, all right. I'm gonna go now.

Look, Mr. Hornower,

next time you call in the middle of the night about a gas leak,

make sure it's not Mrs. Hornower.

Well, good night, John. Sleep well.

It won't be easy now that you got my heart racing.

I'm just glad you were there when I needed you.

Happy to be of service.

Jake.

I know who Becker's sleeping with.

- Who? -ls Chris around?

- No. -It's Chris.

I saw her coming out of his apartment last night.

Very late. Very naked.

No!

Okay, not naked, but it was very late.

She had that "I just had sex" look on her face.

Where did you ever see that look?

You know what? You're no fun.

Okay, okay. Well, if that's what happened,

you know what, I'm... I'm happy for them. Yeah.

They've been dancing around each other for months.

I think they'll be good for each other.

You know, maybe she'll calm him down and...

well, I don't know what she gets out of it, but...

I still think it's a good idea.

Yeah, I'm glad they're together.

See, now I can ask her out.

Why would you do that?

Because she's totally unavailable.

So you'd ask her out, even though you know it's impossible?

I'd ask her out because it's impossible.

Why ask her out at all?

What else have I got to do?

Good morning, Margaret.

And before you ask, the play was fantastic.

Thank God the suspense is over.

It is sort of odd to see your date naked

before you even go out.

Although it does answer a lot of questions right up front.

So, uh, will you be seeing him again?

Like I said, it answers a lot of questions right up front.

Morning.

Morning, John.

Oh, uh, John, there's something I don't understand.

Why bald guys wear ponytails?

That, and why you have Brad Richmond scheduled

to come in today at 3:00.

He was just here yesterday. His test results were fine.

- Why would he have to come...? -Hey, do you remember

how we handled things with Kevin Ferber?

Remember that high school kid?

Oh! Oh! Oh, geez.

I thought Brad was smarter than that.

- No. -You mean he's not using any protection at all?

Nothing. Just another one of those cocky teenagers

who thinks he's invincible.

So when he comes in, you know what to do.

Absolutely.

Although, you know, I-l do feel a little badly

when we torment the kids like this.

I don't. The little bastard's getting more sex than I am.

Diner.

Oh. Hey, Marcy.

Yeah, sorry I missed your call last night.

I went to see some jerk do a one-man play

that stunk like you wouldn't believe.

Oh, no, he has to be the most egocentric, self-centered man

I have ever met in my life.

John.

As soon as he took his pants off,

I knew it was gonna be a lousy night.

I mean, the whole thing

didn't last very long, but it was so bad

it just seemed like it went on and on and on.

- Hey, Jake. -Shh, shh!

Oh, yeah, yeah, it was that bad.

If it wasn't for some Junior Mints

and a People magazine, I wouldn't have gotten

any enjoyment out of it whatsoever.

What's she talking about?

Sex with John.

Who called it?

You know...

he certainly wasn't concerned

if anybody else was having a good time.

I mean, he might as well

have been doing it in a room by himself.

You know, I'll tell you, Marcy, I have never been so glad

to see a man put his pants back on in my entire life.

Oh, and then, when he was finished,

he stood there like he was expecting a standing ovation.

Well, I'll tell you, never again.

Oh, what, dinner on Thursday?

Uh, yeah, sure, let me check my calendar.

All right. I'll call you back.

Yeah. Talk to you later.

Hey, guys, I'll be with you in a minute.

So Becker stinks in bed.

Boy, he's just not good anywhere, is he?

You know what the sad thing is?

I mean, Chris would have really been good for him,

but now she's gonna dump him.

I actually feel sorry for Becker. I-l mean...

You know, I-l think we should tell him.

Nobody just comes right out

and tells a guy that he stinks in bed.

They don't?

I mean, yeah, you're right, that never happens.

Hi. I'm Brad Richmond.

I'm here to get my test results.

Oh, right. Brad.

The doctor will be right with you. Uh...

How are you feeling?

Why? ls something wrong?

Do you know what my results are?

You know, that really

is something you should discuss with the doctor.

Oh, hi, Brad.

Hey, Dr. Becker. Well...

Did you get the tests back?

You know, actually, this isn't something

we should talk about in here.

Why?

Well, come on back to my room here.

-I-I'll be right in. -But I read this pamphlet,

and, you know, I'm really starting

-to get freaked out about it. -Hey, you know what?

Calm down, calm down.

Just go on in there.

Go on.

I'll be right there.

As soon as I waste a little time out here.

Coffee?

No, I'm good, thank you.

Well, look at that. Yeah.

Peace march made the front page, here.

Ha!

That's my bumper, right there. Look.

You must be very proud.

So, uh...

how long are you going to let Brad squirm in there?

I don't know. Half hour.

John.

What? Too cruel?

We left Kevin Ferber in there for 20 minutes

and had to scrape him off the walls.

Yeah, yeah, I suppose you're right.

Dr. Becker, what did the lab say?

I don't have AIDS, do I?

Brad...

I'm gonna be straight with you.

Maybe I ought to shut the door first.

Doctor, please. Will you just tell me?

Did you get... did you get the tests back?

Yeah. No, they're... they're right here.

Okay...

What do they say?

- Well, that concerns me. -What?

- What? -Well, I used to be able to read it right here,

and now I got to hold it way out here.

Doc, come on, will you just tell me?

All right, all right, let's see what we got.

- Uh... - Um...

Brad, I thought these might come in handy.

Here you go.

Why would I need those?

Margaret, I haven't told him yet.

Oh...

Told me what?!

Sorry.

All right, let me, uh... let me walk you through this, Brad.

What they're saying...

Oh, hell, I hate when that happens.

The results are that...

--you're fine.

- What? -I said that...

whirring -you're perfecfly heakhy.

But I didn't hear you.

Come on, will you just tell me? I can't stand this.

I said you're fine.

You're perfectly healthy.

Oh, thank God.

Yeah, you are a very lucky young man.

I'm so relieved. Thank you. Thank you.

Not so fast.

You still have a urinary tract infection.

I want you to take these antibiotics for a week.

And don't forget those.

Oh, no. No.

I'm never having sex again. Even

No, take the condoms.

Yeah, you're right.

Damn it!

It's open.

Sorry.

Locked myself out again.

No sweat.

Oh, stupid. Why do I keep doing this?

Well, I guess bad sex is better than no sex.

Who am I kidding? I know it is.