Original subtitles

Oh, God, Christmas!

It looks like Santa threw up in here.

Oh... come on, John, it's Christmas.

What could you possibly hate about Christmas?

Oh, you shouldn't have done that.

Yeah, let's start with reindeer, elves,

fake snow, real snow... and-and eggnog.

What the hell is that?

It's like an alcoholic's excuse to get drunk at breakfast.

- What about... -Okay, okay, I give!

Yeah, see, I warned you.

Well, I'm not going to let you spoil the holidays.

Jake and I are very excited about Christmas.

Hey, you speak for yourself.

I'm spending it with my nana.

The whole family chipped in and bought her a new hip.

I thought you got her a new hip last year.

No, that was a knee.

You know, I'm afraid if we keep this up,

somebody will kidnap her and strip her for parts.

Okay, Bob's in big trouble.

- I just got into a fight. -What? What happened?

I'm walking down the street minding my own business,

when all of a sudden, I hear someone call me

by my old high school nickname.

Next thing I know, I'm kicking

the living crap out of the bastard.

- Who was it? -Santa Claus.

You went to high school with Santa Claus?

Not the real one. This was Jimmy Biondalillo.

He was dressed up as Santa.

I think he works for the Salvation Army or something.

- And you beat him up? -He had it coming!

The guy tormented me all through high school.

I mean, he single-handedly ruined

any chance I ever had of being cool.

I think DNA and a bad haircut took care of that.

Yeah, so... so, Bob, what was your high school nickname?

- It's not important. - No, come on, come on.

- What was it? Bobby? - Yeah.

- The Bobster? Bobbarino? -Come on.

Bobbarooney?

Fine.

If you must know...

it was "Barbara."

--Barbara?

- One time,

I went to high school wearing shoulder pads,

and I'm branded for life.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you wore shoulder pads?

They were very in at the time!

- Yeah, for girls. -Hey! Hey!

I have very narrow shoulders...

which gave my mother an easy delivery

but plagued me later in life.

For example,

I still have trouble wearing a backpack.

- You wear a backpack? - Hey!

This isn't funny! This is serious!

Jimmy Biondalillo is going to be coming after me.

Bob, what are you so scared of? You just beat him up.

Well, truth be told, I... I kind of sucker-punched him.

I may have also bit him, scratched him

and pulled his hair.

It was very violent.

I think I broke a nail.

He even fights like a Barbara.

So, Chris, first big Christmas in New York.

What are you doing? Are you busy?

John, I know the holidays can be lonely,

but we've been over this 100 times before:

I'm not going outwith you.

You know, for your information,

I'm spending the holidays with this woman I've been seeing.

- Really? -Yeah.

You never said anything about her.

Yeah, John, you never said a word.

Oh, I'm sorry. Was I supposed to

run that by the social committee?

So, what is this mystery lady's name?

Helen.

Helen, huh?

No, just Helen.

And how did you and "just Helen" meet?

Well, if you must know, we got stuck in an elevator.

- Really? -Yeah.

We were trapped between floors for hours.

She said one of us should be brave

and go for help, so I...

you know, I boosted her up, but she...

couldn't open the trap door,

so we just, you know, sat around for a while, talked

and waited to be rescued.

And we've been seeing each other ever since.

You know, if you two want to vote on this,

I'll be in my office, you know, anxiously awaiting the results.

What a load of crap.

- What? -Oh, come on, Jake.

Think about it-- a minute ago, he said he hated Christmas

and everything about it,

and then the second I say I'm not available,

he says he's spending the holidays with Helen.

And what kind of name is "Helen"?

He made the whole thing up just to make me jealous.

You know, it could be true.

I mean, just because a girl was stuck

for hours in an elevator with John,

doesn't mean she wouldn't want to go on a date with...

You're right-- he's a big-ass liar.

Morning, Linda.

Yeah, morning. Whatever.

Why the long face?

It just seems that way. I cut my hair.

No, no, no, no, no.

I mean, it's almost Christmas and you look so sad.

Then why are you making fun of my hair?

No, Linda, what I meant was...

Margaret, maybe you haven't noticed,

but I'm not in a very good mood.

My mom's spending the holidays with her new boyfriend,

my dad's going to be with his old girlfriend,

my grandmother ran off with her chauffeur,

my grandfather's, well...

dead.

Oh, Linda, I'm so sorry to hear that.

It's okay. It would have killed him

to see my grandmother with the chauffeur.

Mr. Miller, you can't blame the cat.

If you tried to strap antlers on my head,

I'd scratch the hell out of you, too.

For crying out loud, the guy wants a reindeer,

he should strap the antlers on his wife.

She already has the horse face.

I just don't get this whole Christmas thing.

I mean, what's the point? Who cares?

You know, Linda, instead of feeling sorry for yourself,

maybe it would help if you thought about somebody else.

Like, do something nice for someone you don't know.

I did that last night.

No, I meant like volunteering at a soup kitchen,

or maybe even spending some time with the elderly.

Oh, gross.

Well, you know you're always welcome

to come and spend Christmas with Lewis and me.

Thank you, Margaret. That's very kind.

But I'm depressed enough as it is.

I'd be depressed, too, if I had that haircut.

Guys. Can I have a...

a roast beef sandwich and coffee to go, please?

Okay, what do you want on that?

Make it exactly the way they do at the deli across the street.

Why don't you just go to the deli across the street?

They hate me over there.

So, I'm surprised to see you.

I figured you'd be off somewhere with your girlfriend.

- Ah. -What's her name?

- Helen, wasn't it? -Mmm.

- Right, right, Helen. -Yeah.

So, John, have you thought about

what you're going to get Helen for Christmas?

- I have to get her something? -Yeah, of course.

Can't go out with somebody at Christmas

and not get her a little something.

Well, see, that's what I hate about the holidays.

What if I get her a gift and she doesn't get me one?

Or she gets me one and I don't get her one?

Or what if the gift I get her

is a lot nicer than the one she gets me?

You know that's not gonna happen.

Well, I don't know what to get her.

Well, maybe we can help you pick something out.

Why don't you tell us a little bit about her?

Well, she's kind of hard to describe.

Well, I'm sure she is.

Uh...

All right, she's a magazine editor.

- Ooh, fancy. What magazine? -The, uh...

New Yorker, I think.

Sure, why not?

She's smart, she's funny, she's attractive.

Oh, you know, never mind. l-I'll figure this out.

Well, here's your sandwich...

exactly the way they make it at the deli across the street.

I even spit in it.

You what?

They really do hate you.

Hmm?

Did you see how flustered he got when I brought up Helen?

There is no way she exists.

Of course she doesn't exist.

He's talking about spending money on her.

Hey, Chris, I need a place to hide.

Do you have, like, an attic or a crawlspace

or, like, a huge piece of Tupperware?

What's the matter, Barbara?

Jimmy Biondalillo's after me.

I mean, there's a Santa on every corner.

L-I don't know which one to be afraid of.

I can't let my guard down!

He knows where I'm sleeping, he knows when I'm awake!

Wait, wait, wait.

Don't you think you're overreacting?

No way. Santa's out there waiting to get me.

You don't know this guy.

He'll rip your head off and eat it for breakfast.

Santa's a killer.

He's an evil, flesh-eating monster!

What are you crying about? He's not coming to your house.

Well, Margaret, I took your advice.

This whole giving of myself thing sucked.

I went to the soup kitchen, it smelled like old people.

I went to the old-age home, it smelled like soup.

No matter what I do,

I just don't feel very Christmassy.

Look, Linda, I know what'll cheer you up.

I am going caroling with some people from my church.

Why don't you join us?

I don't know how singing a bunch of dumb songs

about snowmen and Jesus can make anyone feel good.

I don't know if the snowmen heard that,

but I know Jesus did.

Oh, all right. You don't have to get all Bible-y on me.

I'll give it a try, but I don't know

if I'm as good as you and your friends.

Oh, come on. Nobody cares how you sound.

God loves all voices.

Even my friend who stutters and spits when he talks?

- Yes, Linda. -Even my Uncle Larry

who speaks through a hole in his neck?

Yes, Linda.

Even this girl I once knew who had a...?

I said God loves all voices.

Why don't you drive a little faster

through the puddle next time?

That way, you can actually drown me!

--Merry Christmas, jerk!

Chris? You need any help?

No, no, no. I'm-I'm fine.

Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, Helen, Chris. Chris, Helen.

I told you about her, remember?

Wow, you're Helen.

Uh, the, uh... the... the way John described you,

you seemed too good to be true.

- Oh, that's so sweet. -Yeah. Usually... usual...

usually, uh, when-when...

things are too good to be true, uh, they are,

but, uh... but obviously they're not,

because he-here you are.

Did you get hit by a car or something?

Yeah, a... a, uh... a cab

splashed me, and then my groceries...

-well, you know, the bag broke. -Oh. Ah.

So, so, so, so, so...

so you, uh... you-you really work for The New Yorker?

- Mm-hmm. -That's great. I, um...

I really like the cartoons.

I mean, you know, not that I don't read the articles, but...

- No, it's okay. I like the cartoons, too. -Yeah.

Not that this isn't fascinating, but we're kind of late

to Helen's office Christmas party.

Careful there.

Uh, yeah, right. Uh, so... so, uh, ha-have fun.

Well, I'll bring you back a cartoon or two.

- Well, it was nice meeting you. -Yes, yes.

- Oh, Oh. -Oh, that's...

that's, uh, egg yolk.

- Uh, here, just use my sleeve. -Oh...

- No, it's ruined anyway. -No, no, no.

Yeah, go ahead. It's all right.

- Thank you. -I guess we better be going.

Uh, are you sure, uh, you don't want any...?

No. No, go have fun. I-I've got this under control.

Actually, you know what, let-let me catch up with you.

- I'll be right back. -Okay.

- Here. -Oh, thanks.

- Thank you. -Hmm.

Ow. Ow.

Oh... Get...

- Get it out. Get it out. -I'm sorry. Hold on.

Ow. Ow.

Whoa-oh.

- Sorry. -Um...

Thank you.

Hey, Bob. Coffee?

Damn! My disguise didn't work!

What the hell are you doing?

Trying to hide in plain sight.

I didn't know which Santa was after me,

so I became one of them.

How'd you know it was me?

I could smell your hair gel.

- Oh! -Bob, it's not gonna work.

You're not exactly the Santa type.

You're more like a pocket Santa.

That's because I'm the only one in here.

Out there, I'm gonna blend in.

- Hey, Bob. -How'd you know?

- Hair gel. -Damn!

Hey, Chris, what's going on?

She's real, Jake.

Who's real?

Helen. John's Helen.

I met her last night.

Really? What's she like?

Oh, you know, tall, dark hair, long legs.

She's gorgeous.

At least I think she was.

I was crawling on all fours,

chasing a can of Spaghetti0s when we met.

Ah, hey. Can I have some coffee, please?

Yeah, of course.

Don't let this go to your head,

but you look a lot less disgusting

than you did last night.

- Thanks. -Huh.

- So, uh, Helen seemed nice. -Yeah, yeah.

We've only been dating for a couple weeks,

but we're really hitting it off.

In fact, she invited me to spend Christmas

up with her family in Vermont.

I think I'm gonna do it.

Wow, I'm surprised, John.

- Why? -Because you hate Christmas,

you hate families and you hate Vermont.

True, but I might as well hate it with somebody I like.

So what are you up to?

Me?

Mmm.

Uh, well, uh, I-l, uh... I have plans with...

Owen.

- Owen? -Owen?

Yes, yes, uh, Owen. I'll be spending the holidays with Owen.

He's a musician. Uh, uh, he's in a band.

A big band. Uh, not big band music.

Just a big... uh, symphony.

And, uh, so he plays the oboe, and, uh, well, you know,

we-we've, uh... we-we've been spending

a lot of time together.

He's, uh... he's wonderful.

And, uh, who knows? He-he could be the one.

So... so, yeah, it'll be a great Christmas

with-with me and my Owen.

Well, uh, sounds like it'll be a great time.

Yeah! Yeah, it will be, yeah.

Owen's very nice and handsome.

Did I... did I mention that?

Owen's handsome.

- Oh. -Wen. Owen.

Right.

Hey, what-what do people do in Vermont, anyway?

I don't know. They ski, go antiquing, chop wood.

Huh. Sounds like the kind of place, if you don't have cable,

you want to blow your brains out.

Well, you know, have a happy.

Owen? How'd you come up with that?

Because it sounds like "no one,"

which is who I am actually dating.

I can't believe I made up a whole person.

Why am I letting this get to me?

I don't know. Maybe 'cause you like John.

No, I don't like him.

Well, then why you getting so mad?

I mean, you're the one that told him to move on.

No, I am not upset that he moved on.

I'm upset that he moved on before I moved on.

And I'm really upset that I am now dating

a loser named Owen who plays the oboe!

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪

♪ All is bright... ♪

Barbara!

Jimmy!

♪ Round yon virgin ♪

♪ Mother and child ♪

♪ Holy infant ♪

♪ So tender and mild ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪

♪ Peace ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪

♪ Peace. ♪

What? Not loud enough?

No, no, no. It's... well, it's...

I know, Margaret. I feel it, too.

It's just this warm, rich feeling

that I had forgotten was possible.

Thank you.

You made it Christmas again.

My pleasure.

♪ Joy to the world ♪

♪ The Lord is come ♪

--J' Let Earth receive her King ♪

Help! Please, let me in! Santa's gonna kill me!

Let me in! Oh, no, no! Help!

♪ Joy to the world, joy to... ♪

Please, no, no!

Oh! Oh... that hurt.

- Come on. - J' Let Earth ♪

- No! Please, no! -J' Receive her King ♪

♪ Let every heart prepare Him room ♪

Oh, no, please, no, no! Oh!

- ♪ And Heaven and nature sing ♪ - Oh, no!

- Oh, Mommy! -J' And Heaven and nature sing ♪

♪ And Heaven and Heaven and nature sing. ♪

Oh, hey. Hi.

Hi.

- You're here. -Yeah.

I, uh... l-l thought you were going to Vermont.

Well, no, I am, I am. I just did some last-minute shopping.

Oh.

Well, what about you?

I'm, uh... I'm tar-bringing down the garbage.

No, I meant, I thought you

were going to be spending some time with Owen.

Oh, right, right, I am.

He's, uh... he's... he's running late.

Uh... big emergency at the orchestra.

The tuba player hyperventilated,

and you-you wouldn't believe the sound he made.

A big-big mess.

Oh.

Um, well, I gotta get upstairs and start packing.

Uh, Helen's picking me up in a few minutes.

Yeah, I got to go, too.

Uh, I want to be ready for when Owen picks me up.

- Uh... -Ah.

We're going to go downtown and do some, uh,

- Christmas... stuff. -Right, right.

Well, so we both have plans.

We'll probably go ice-skating.

Ah. Oh, great.

Um... have a good Christmas.

Yeah. Y-You, too.

- Ah. -Right.

- Bye. 'Bye-bye.

Uh, coming.

- Hey. -Hi.

You look nice. You ready to go?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh.

You want to stop at the Salvation Army

and make a donation?

Oh, no, that's my... that's my suitcase.

Really?

No, no, I mean, it's... it's nice. Vintage.

Yeah.

So we better get going.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, you know, wait-wait a minute. Uh...

I've been thinking.

You know, I-l don't have the right socks.

Is... is that going to be a problem?

I'll have my mom knit you some.

Come on, you'll be fine.

We're gonna have a great time. Right?

Trust me.

John?

Yeah?

Is this about the socks?

No.

Well, did you forget something?

Yeah, kind of.

I forgot I didn't want to go to Vermont.

Can you open the door?

Yeah.

Okay.

What's going on?

L-I don't know.

I thought you were looking forward to this.

No, no, I was. You know... you know, I just think...

you know, spending time with your parents

at Christmas is sending a message

that I'm just not ready to send.

And don't you think it's a little late

to be springing this on me?

I mean, I don't understand, what's going on here?

Is it Vermont?

Is it my parents?

Is it me?

No, no. No, it's...

ls there someone else?

I don't know.

I'm sorry. I really am. I'm very sorry.

So am I.