Original subtitles

Margaret, check it out. I got a nose ring.

What do you think?

What on earth possessed you to pierce your nose?

Five shots of vodka and a guy named...

That's weird. We were so close last night.

Take it out, and-and put that sweater on.

This is a doctor's office.

Have a little decorum.

Morning, John.

Yeah, yeah, morning.

All right, what do we got here?

Uh, Mr. Davis in one, Mrs. Kaplan in two.

Linda, take that stupid thing out of your nose.

Margaret, call the lab, find out

what's holding up Mr. Barnes's liver panel, will you, please?

Already did it. Oh, and this came for you.

- What's that?

0w, ow, ow, ow, my sweater's stuck on my nose ring!

Oh, yeah, the Mid-Atlantic Physicians Council, yeah.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Every year, they hold some stupid conference.

Yeah, see, what'd I tell you? This year, it's Las Vegas.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

This... you know, it's such nonsense.

You know, it's just a bunch of bored doctors

looking for an excuse to get away from home.

I wish they'd just

leave me the hell alone, you know, instead of trying

to pass themselves off as a legitimate medical or...

Oh. Well, they... they want me to speak.

Come on, keep reading.

Uh... "Apologies.

...so last minute... speaker dropped out..."

Margaret, a little help? Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Uh, "all expenses paid... suite at the MGM Grand."

That's...

Oh-oh... oh, my God.

There it is.

Well, they're flying me first class.

Oh, my... Margaret, I...

First class. I've never been in first class in my life.

It's free.

Margaret, I got a situation here.

Oh, my God.

Look, now, they... I have to leave in two days.

I can't do that. I-l have patients.

Aw, see, damn it. That's not fair.

I never get to go anyplace.

Oh, stop pouting.

I checked with the on-call service.

They can have a doctor here to cover for you.

- Really? So... so I can go? -You can go!

Really? Oh, hey, did you hear that, everybody?

- I'm going to Vegas! - Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

- They're flying me first class! -Ow! Ow! Ow!

Please, this is a doctor's office.

Have a little decorum.

Hey, look at this.

"A boat sank in the Indian Ocean.

"Five survivors drifted on a life raft for weeks.

One guy died, and they ate him."

That's disgusting.

Oh, people are animals.

It makes you embarrassed to be a part of the human race.

Morning, everybody.

Morning, John.

Hey, do you think you could eat somebody if you were starving?

Sure. Why not?

While we're speaking about me,

guess who's going to Vegas.

Hey, you always say only morons go to Vegas.

No, only morons pay to go to Vegas.

I got a free trip.

Oh, well, that explains it, then.

You know, there's this

highly respected medical organization.

They're having a...

They're having this conference, and they needed a speaker,

and they're, uh, putting me up in a suite,

and flying me out-- get this-- first class.

- Oh, that's great, John. - Yeah, yeah.

Hey, oh, you know what?

Chris, you know, uh, flight leaves Thursday morning.

I know this is kind of last-minute,

but, you know, if you're not busy...

Oh, John, I'd love to go.

...you can drive me to the airport.

Well... that was embarrassing.

No... No, look, look, I-I'd love to have you go with me,

but they only sent me one ticket.

First class, free.

It's okay. I-l understand.

- Well, good. Good, good. -Although... although you could

always trade it in for two coach tickets,

you know, if-if you wanted to.

I don't.

I've never flown first class.

Well, enjoy yourself. I'm fine.

- Is she really fine? -Oh, no.

- You think we should move? -Oh, yes.

Hey, I'm only going to be gone for three days, you know.

I'm going to be working the whole time.

No, you don't have to explain to me.

You want to go by yourself, go by yourself.

You know, what just happened? Five seconds ago, I was happy.

You know, I just thought that, since we were dating,

it might occur to you to ask me to go.

Fine. Do you want to go?

Do you want me to go?

No! I don't want anybody to go.

Then never mind. Go to Vegas, enjoy yourself.

You know...

All right, fine, I'll just...

just go, then.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, you don't have to worry about the ride.

I'll find some other way.

Okay, bye-

I just want you to know,

I think he was being incredibly insensitive.

Oh, thank you, Hector.

And if I were him and you were my girlfriend,

and I got a free trip to Vegas,

I would have considered your feelings...

Yeah.

...and never have even told you about it.

God, this is a doctor's office?

I was going to ask where the toilet is,

but I can see that's redundant.

Excuse me, but who are you?

Dr. Alan Grath, replacement physician.

You're a doctor?

Only for the past 20 years.

I have my own practice, cosmetic surgery.

If you see a great pair of breasts on Park Avenue,

chances are, my hands have been on 'em.

Would you excuse me for a moment?

- John, John, John, John. -What?

That's the replacement doctor.

I don't know, I don't have a good feeling about this.

- I do. I'm going to Vegas. -No, stop that!

- John, he is a plastic surgeon. -So?

And he is strange.

How do we know he can do this?

I'll find out. Don't worry. Hey. Dr. John Becker.

I'm going to Vegas.

Dr. Alan Grath.

When was the last time you painted this place?

Uh, yeah. Anyway, thanks for coming down

on such short notice.

What would you say if I had a high fever,

chest pains on my right side,

fluid accumulation in my abdomen and my legs?

I'd say you got no shot at getting laid in Vegas.

Great. Good.

- Uh, constrictive pericarditis. -That's right. He's right.

- All right, I'm off! - John!

If you need anything, too bad. I'll be in Vegas.

Uh, Linda, this is John's substitute, Dr. Alan Grath.

Oh, my God, Park Avenue Dr. Alan Grath!

You did my mom!

You're gonna have to be a little more specific.

I mean you worked on her.

Nose, chin and cheeks. She looks great.

And you rebuilt my grandmother from the ground up.

She's like a snare drum with hair.

Uh... all right. Well, if you would just come with me,

I will give you a tour of the office.

Yes. Can I have some surgical gloves?

Well, we-we don't have any patients here now.

I know. I just don't want to touch anything.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Hi.

Dr. Becker, welcome.

You're here in seat 2B.

My name is Victoria.

Here's a pillow and blanket.

- Oh. -There's a pair of slippers.

Your dinner menu is in the seat pocket in front of you.

I recommend the filet mignon. It's excellent.

Hot towel?

Can I bring you a glass of champagne before takeoff?

Yes. Please.

Sir... is everything okay?

It's all so beautiful.

Excuse me.

That's my seat.

Oh. Oh, sorry.

Thank you.

Ooh. Sorry.

- Hi. -Hi.

- Anna Davis. -Oh. John Becker.

- Dr. John Becker? -Yeah.

Oh, you're speaking at the medical conference I'm going to.

You're a doctor?

Well, I'd always hoped to be a spokesmodel at car shows,

but sometimes your dreams just don't work out.

Then again, sometimes they do.

Damn, I should have given Becker money to bet for me.

It wouldn't have mattered, you know,

because even if John had won with your money,

he would have kept it. You know why?

Because he's selfish.

Hey, uh, Larry, Curly.

You look like locals.

Uh, what's good to eat here?

- Hmm. -Hmm.

All right, thanks a lot. Thanks a lot.

The food here is fine,

although I'd avoid the meat loaf.

You couldn't have told me that a half hour ago?

Here's a menu.

You know, I-I'm not asking John for flowers or poetry.

I'd just like a little thoughtfulness now and then.

Hey, I'm on your side.

But you know how he is.

Yeah. Does he ever consider anyone else's feelings?

Hey, look, look, I'm the guy's friend.

You're kind of putting me in the middle here, but no.

Excuse me.

I don't know who this guy is, but looking at you,

if he's treating you badly, he's an idiot.

Oh... Now, see? That's being thoughtful.

Thank you. I pride myself on being sensitive.

By the way, do you know that one of your ears

is lower than the other?

Wow, running a practice all by yourself.

And then with hospital visits, case notes,

how do you make time for a social life?

According to my ex-wives, not very well.

Hmm. Wives!

Well, just two--

the good witch and the bad witch.

Well, it's hard being a doctor

and having a successful relationship.

Not everyone understands the pressures we're under.

That is so true.

Still, at the end of the day,

- I wouldn't trade being a doctor for anything. -I know.

You know, it sounds corny, but I consider it a privilege

to be able to alleviate suffering wherever I see it.

- Mm.

Victoria. Mm...

Excuse me, Dr. Grath.

So, tell me, sweetheart, exactly what do you do here?

I mean, you're not a nurse, you can't make coffee,

so what, you're sleeping with Becker?

Oh, God, is the coffee that bad?

It's horrendous.

But go ahead, ask me a question.

I've always wanted to ask a plastic surgeon this:

What would you have to do

to make me look just like I do now

for the rest of my life?

Come here. Let me look.

Ah, let's see.

I'd start you off on Botox,

then graduate to collagen, dermabrasion,

a chemical peel, a brow lift,

and then eventually just cut off the skin

in the back of your head and start pulling.

Wow. Is that expensive?

Thankfully, yes.

Uh, Margaret, did you submit...?

Yes. The forms from this morning to the HMO,

the cultures to the lab.

Uh, in room one, we have anemia.

possible bronchial infection.

Oh, and if you need some antibiotics,

there are some samples in the office.

I want you.

Excuse me?

I want you more

than any other woman I've ever met...

to run my office.

Oh.

Well, that's very flattering,

but John and I have been together for a long time.

We're a part of each other's lives.

What if I offered you this much?

Then again, it's not like we're family.

The way you move, you're like a gazelle.

I'm sorry. What?

I'm just saying your inner beauty shines through

despite the sadness in your eyes.

It's that guy, isn't it?

The thoughtless one.

I really don't want to talk about it.

I understand.

Well, you know, it's just that we had this argument.

I wanted him to consider my feelings,

and he didn't.

So you're like a wounded gazelle.

Look, I-l don't know what this guy did or didn't do,

but if he made you unhappy, I blame him.

Oh, you're just saying that 'cause it's his fault.

Yeah, you know, not that he's capable

of understanding it, let alone admitting it.

You deserve better.

I know. Yeah.

You know, you're a very good listener.

If enough people say,

"Dear God, please stop talking,"

you become a good listener.

Hmm.

--Hmm.

- Oh, hey. Hi. -Hi.

Well, I hope I'm not disturbing you.

No, no, no. Not at all.

Oh, I just had the most boring dinner

with a bunch of pharmaceutical reps.

I swear, if they didn't give out free drugs,

nobody would talk to them at all.

Anyway, I wanted to see if you were up for a nightcap.

Oh, uh, actually, you know, I-I'm working on my speech here.

Oh, I'd love to hear it.

You want to practice on me?

Uh... yeah.

You know what? Sure. Come on in. Come on in.

Thanks.

So, can I, uh, offer you anything here?

A bottle of water? Chocolate?

Little... miniature sewing kit?

I'll take a little scotch.

Oh. Ha! You're in luck.

I have a little scotch.

- You want ice? -Sure.

Very nice room.

Yeah, it's free, too.

You know why they put these little bottles in here,

don't you?

Makes the rooms look bigger.

Funny. You should use that in your speech.

Yeah, my speech is going to need a lot more than that

to make it interesting.

Okay, here you go.

Thank you.

Sorry.

Ooh, wow. That's good.

Um... I'm a little nervous.

I haven't heard this out loud yet.

I'm really not much of a public speaker.

If it helps, use that old trick

where you picture your audience naked.

Yeah, a roomful of paunchy, middle-aged doctors?

No, thanks.

Then why don't you, I don't know,

picture me naked if it helps?

Oh, yeah, good idea.

"Of all the glands, the, uh...

the adrenal is probably the most, uh, misunderstood."

- John? -Yeah?

You could always practice later.

Uh, well, sure. Uh...

Now's good. I guess it depends on what you mean by...

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Dr. Grath offered you this much money,

and you turned him down?

I just couldn't do it.

But this is so much.

Look at all these zeros.

How come they all look like little boobs?

He dots his "I"s with them, too.

Well, I still can't believe you turned him down.

It was a quality-of-life decision.

What? The commuting, the traffic, the stress?

No, the voice.

Ooh, I would have killed him within a week.

So, did, uh, John get back last night?

I don't know.

Did he at least call you while he was away?

No.

Well, if it's any consolation,

he didn't call me, either.

You're trying to make me feel better

by making me laugh.

It's very sweet. Stop it.

- Hello. -Hello.

Ooh, I don't like the sound of this.

Coffee to go.

So, the trip went well.

- Good. -Yeah.

The speech was good, too.

Good for you.

Oh, I, uh, brought you back a little souvenir.

Official MGM Grand coffee mug.

Oh, how nice.

Still upset?

- What makes you say that? -It's not fair, you know?

I didn't do anything wrong.

Oh, well, if you actually think that,

then all I have to say is I'm sorry.

Well, thank you.

I'm sorry I had expectations for us.

I'm sorry I expected

the little things you can't give. I'm sorry...

Yeah, all right, you can stop apologizing.

You know, John, if someone had given me that trip,

I would have asked you to go.

The fact that you didn't ask me

makes me feel like you don't care about me.

Oh, yeah? You want to know how much I care?

I could have had sex with a beautiful doctor, and I didn't!

Excuse me?

Uh, why don't you just give her a baseball bat

and then just put your head on the counter?

Oh, all right, all right, let me explain why

that-that's a good thing I was saying.

- See, I had the opportunity... -Oh, uh-huh, yeah.

...presented to me to, you know, with someone else,

and I turned her down because of you.

And how the hell did you wind up with this "opportunity"?

- No, see, I did not go looking for it. -Yeah. Uh-huh.

I didn't even know it was happening

-until she unzipped her dress. 4935i”)

Just how stupid are you?

Why would you even mention that to me?

You are the most insensitive man I've ever met.

I just told you I didn't do it.

Well, if you care about someone, you're supposed to not do it.

- I do care about you, Chris. -Oh.

Well, you have a horrible way of showing it, John!

What did I do?! You see...

Oh, how can you be so dense?!

Oh, will you two just shut up!

Chris, what John is trying to say

is that he cares about you very much,

but he also works very hard and gets little notice for it.

Now, getting this first-class free trip

was a huge ego boost,

and-and to trade that in for two coach tickets,

it would have diminished that.

Still, he is an idiot

for not inviting you in the first place.

- I think "idiot" is a little... -Idiot, shut up.

Now, John, what Chris is trying to say

is that she's sorry she didn't see

how much this trip meant to you.

I mean, let's face it, this guy's never

going to see a first-class cabin ever again in his life.

You should have let him enjoy it.

Now...

I'm going to walk away

and pretend that I can't hear you two making up.

Did you really mean what Jake said?

Yeah.

Did you?

Yeah.

Good.

Was she pretty?

Leave it alone!

No, you know, just-just so you know,

she wasn't pretty at all.

Oh, it doesn't matter. I'm just...

I'm just glad we're not fighting anymore.

Me, too.

See you tonight.

So, uh, was she pretty?

Oh, God, yes.