Original subtitles

I know this is gonna sound like an old joke,

but I swear I just saw

a rabbi, a priest and a penguin walk into a bar.

A Penguin?

I don't think so. I'm sure it was a nun.

- No. -No, no, I saw him, too.

That was a guy in a penguin suit.

- Yeah. -I don't know what's going on.

There's a lot more street people around than usual.

Just makes me so sad to see them.

Well, there's your problem. You look.

You've got to develop the New York stare, you know?

Blank expression on your face,

look straight ahead, don't make eye contact.

Morning, everybody.

There... he'll show you.

Morning, Jake.

Somebody do me a favor.

I got a certified letter this morning,

and I'm pretty sure it's important.

I'll read it.

I never got a certified letter.

Almost got a FedEx package once.

But it was for my neighbor.

I opened it anyway.

A pair of pink bunny slippers.

Not sexy but, you know, very comfortable.

Yeah, you and bunny slippers.

There's a picture I don't need.

Will you just read it.

It's from a law firm. It's about your nana.

Uh-oh. That's not good.

She's already dead. How bad could it be?

Are you kidding me?

She could have left him with back taxes, overdue rent,

credit card bills.

Well, you know, that's true.

I had an uncle who died.

We all thought he had a lot of money.

Turns out all he had was

another family in North Carolina that nobody knew about.

You know, I hear North Carolina is beautiful.

- Oh, yeah. -You know they got more golf courses per person

than any other state in the country?

Really? I would have thought that was Florida.

- No, no. - Very interesting.

What about my letter?

Oh, right.

"Dear Mr. Malinak..."

You know, what kind of name is "Malinak"?

You Polish or Greek?

I thought it was Russian.

Yeah, he's a black Russian.

John, can you help me out here?

You know, oh... here.

Uh... "Dear Mr. Malinak,

we're very sorry about your loss..."

You know, once I had six black Russians in a row.

I was so sick.

Oh, God.

It says your grandmother left you $25,000.

Somebody had to tell him.

She left me $25,000?

Oh, my God, he's right. There's a check in here.

She never told me she had that much money.

But she lived so simply. Yeah.

She never bought new clothes, never went out to restaurants.

She must have been putting it away all this time for me.

Sounds like your grandmother was a wonderful woman.

How long has it been since she passed?

A couple of months.

Then you're in luck.

Her spirit hasn't left the third realm.

I'm going there on Tuesday.

Would you like me to give her a message?

No, thank you. I'm good.

Suit yourself.

How much for the coffee?

Coffee's on the house.

Thanks.

Yeah, that's nice.

Yeah, the nutbar gets free coffee,

I still have to pay for it,

and I'm the one sleeping with you.

Try sleeping a little less.

Absolutely, Dr. Becker can take care of that cut.

Now, if I could just get some information.

Oh, no, first, I give you my name,

then you find my address.

Next thing I know, one of the Kennedys needs a kidney,

and they find me in a cheap motel packed in a tub of ice.

Well, um, how about just a name so we know what to call you?

Is that pen made of plastic?

'Cause I don't touch plastic.

It's poison. It's killing us all.

There's nothing we can...

You know, you know, we really don't need a name.

Why don't you just go on back to room two.

Oh, no. Nice try.

I'll be in room one.

Unless that's where you wanted me to go,

in which case I'm going to room two.

So, ha!

My God, do you think that guy is right?

- I think that guy is crazy.

Well, just cause he's crazy, doesn't mean he's wrong.

What if plastic is making us all sick?

And if it is, we'll never get better,

because all the medicine comes in plastic bottles.

Linda, just answer the phone.

But it's plastic.

Hello. Doctor's office. Can I help you?

I'm sorry, can you speak up?

Do I want to know?

No.

- Works for me.

Oh, uh, John, wait just a second.

There's a Mr. Ferguson in room one,

and there's a very paranoid man

with a cut on his hand in room two.

He wouldn't give me any information, not even his name.

All right, I'll start with the paranoid one.

Oh, wait, is it just me,

or are there more weird people here than usual?

It sure looks that way, doesn't it?

Oh, relax, will you?

It's just a stethoscope.

It can't read your thoughts. For...

He's gonna need a fresh bandage on that hand.

Then do me favor-- call the nuthouse over on Jerome Avenue.

You mean the residential care facility?

Yeah, the nuthouse.

Find out what's going on.

Maybe they left a window open or something.

Mr. Ferguson, what can I do for you?

I got this rash.

Holy crap.

By that, I mean...

it doesn't look that bad, does it?

Wow, that goes all the way up, doesn't it?

Down, too. Do you want to see?

No, no, no, no. I'll take your word on that.

Well, it looks like contact dermatitis.

- You got any allergies? -No.

You, uh, using any corrosive agents

like acid or lye or anything?

No.

Touching any plants, doing any gardening?

Well... can I trust you?

Absolutely.

If you can't be honest with your doctor, then...

Okay, well, that's a lot of dirt in your briefcase.

You mind if I ask why?

I'm stealing New Jersey.

Oh.

Smells like Jersey.

Uh...

Wait right there.

Just so you know, the guy in room one, also crazy.

And I know why.

I just called the halfway house.

Those people didn't crawl out the window.

They were thrown out the door.

The city just shut that place down.

Oh, great, no wonder they're crawling all over my office.

Oh, John, relax.

So what if we have a few extra patients to handle?

They're just people.

I can't stay here any longer.

Your X-ray machine contaminated my clothes.

Okay, that one's a freak.

Here's some fresh coffee.

I'll be right back with some cheese sandwiches.

Actually, uh, Chris, can I get one of those sandwiches?

Yeah, sure, that will be $175.

You don't even use real cheese.

Yeah, but I got to make my money somewhere.

I got all these street people hanging out here,

and I'm feeding them for free.

It's the busiest I've ever been, and I'm not making a dime.

You think you got problems?

I still got to figure out what to do with $25,000.

Want a suggestion?

All right, Jake, I've been making a list

of things for you to do with that money.

It's my money. Why are you making a list?

Because, in the short time I've known you,

I find you have very little imagination.

Now, what do you mean by that?

See?

Now, first of all, let's rule out

any kind of miraculous sight-saving operation.

They rarely work,

so you're really just setting yourself up for disappointment.

How do you feel about a Camaro?

Look, Hector, my nana saved her whole life

to leave me this money, all right?

So it's very important to me

that I do the right thing with it.

I'm not going to go blow it all on something stupid.

You're right, you're right.

How do you feel about strippers?

Oh, my God, they're here, too.

Oh, and you're feeding them.

Yeah, well, they're hungry.

I can't just turn these people out on the street.

Here you go. Yeah, yeah,

I know you ordered green eggs and ham.

I'm working on it, I am, I am.

Yeah, I hope you can afford to do this every day,

because they're gonna be here for a while.

I just found out

the neighborhood halfway house was closed.

That's why they're all hanging out here,

and at my office.

Well, they just can't kick these people

out on the street. That's insane.

Sorry, sorry, figure of speech.

Well, it just doesn't seem fair.

Yeah, I mean, don't they realize how this affects me?

You? I got my hands full here, too, you know.

Yeah, but at least you got a choice.

You got that "right to refuse service to anyone" sign.

I can't do that. Damn Hippocratic oath.

You know who's to blame, don't you?

- The city? -The city.

I mean, they close these places down,

and they don't think about the consequences.

And, you know, everybody just accepts it.

I tell you, you know, I-I'm gonna get

on the phone and, uh, scream at some people.

Heads are gonna roll.

Heads don't actually roll, you know. They bounce.

- What? -I'm just saying,

they don't actually roll. It's the ears.

Okay, quiet down, everybody.

This is how it's gonna be.

I'm gonna divide the room into regular and irregular patients.

And by regular, I mean usual.

Because if you're irregular,

you could still be a regular patient.

But if you're irregular

and you're not a regular patient,

well, then, that's not really our problem.

Okay, I see we have a lot of guests.

Are all these people sick?

No. Some of them just wanted to get out of the cold,

some needed to use the bathroom,

and some just want to watch TV.

We don't have a TV.

Don't tell them. We had a huge fight over the remote.

And, uh, where was John during all of this?

He's in his office on the phone.

All right, fine. I'll see what's keeping him.

In the meantime, tell our regular patients

that we will get to them as soon as we can.

What about the... other ones?

I don't care. Tell them we're going to the circus.

We're going to the circus?

No, you may not put me on hold.

Look, I'm a citizen, I'm a taxpayer, I'm a doctor,

and I'm on hold... for crying out loud.

- This is like... -John?

- What? -What are you doing in here?

It is chaos out there.

I know that. I'm trying to fix it.

I called the Housing Department, who put me on hold,

and then I called Health and Welfare,

who also put me on hold, which is where I am on line one.

Line two is the mayor's office,

line three is the department of "I Don't Give a Crap,"

line four...

I don't even remember what line four is.

Ah, let me see, let me see.

Hello?

Hello! Finally! Look...

John, you have got to get off the phone.

- Linda and I need help out there. -Well...

Those people are all over the office.

What do you want me to do?

Get a flute and lead them all to the river?

Hey, that wouldn't work, would it?

Get out of here.

No, no, no.

No! You guys still aren't getting this right.

Oh, Linda, come on. This is ridiculous.

I know, group two's not supposed to come in

until group one sings, "gently down the stream."

This is great.

You know, I'm trying to run a medical practice,

I end up with Sesame Street.

And, Linda, what happened to our regular patients?

Oh, they got mad and left.

Oh, oh, that's great. You know, I can't work like this.

John, where are you going?

I'm going to City Hall and bitch at someone.

All right, everybody, I'm going to go complain

about the way you've been treated.

Now, who wants to come with me?

Well, come on, I'm doing this for you.

This is an outrage.

Let's go down and raise some hell.

Come on, who's with me?

All right, all right, all right, all right, all right.

Who wants ice cream?

Not you.

Elevator's out of order.

I know.

Yeah, well, you should tell someone.

They know.

Well, all right, then.

Look, I-l didn't come all the way up here

just to tell you that.

I have a complaint.

Another one?

I haven't made a complaint yet.

Yeah, I guess that elevator thing

was more of a snotty remark.

Look, I'm... I'm a doctor with a small practice.

Actually, it's not that small. It's about medium really.

I do fine.

Any-Anyway, that's-that's neither...

you know, that's neither here nor there.

What the hell does that mean?

Six of one, half dozen of the other.

Speak English.

Yeah, you're right. You know something, you're right.

Look, recently my neighborhood

has been flooded with homeless people

who used to be in the city's care.

- So? -So, that's wrong.

You don't just throw people out on the streets.

And that's why we came down here to complain.

"We"?

Yeah, we.

Give me a moment.

Hey, don't you remember how we agreed, you know,

when I whistle, you all come in?

Well, we-we did. And...

Look, just-just try to stay focused, will you?

We would like to see your boss.

Yeah? Well, you can't see him,

because you don't have an appointment.

How about we just go in there without an appointment?

I'm making minimum wage.

Frankly, I don't care where you go.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry, uh, do you have an appointment?

No, no, but I'm a citizen and I have a complaint,

and I'm a doctor, so the things I say are usually valid.

Well, uh, uh, in that case, why don't you sit down

and tell me about it.

Would you like some tea?

What? Oh, no, thanks.

You sure?

It's not often I get visitors.

No, really, I'm good.

Look, I-l just came down here 'cause I want to tell you

about something terrible that's going on in my neighborhood.

Well, tell me.

Well, actually, watch this.

Come on, I whistled. That's when you...

Oh, never mind.

Look, someone in your department

shut down a residential care facility in my neighborhood

and threw everybody out on the street.

Now, I'm here 'cause I want something done about it.

Wow... you sound pretty upset.

Well, I am, you know.

I've been on the phone all afternoon

calling every city agency I can think of,

and all I got was the typical bureaucratic runaround.

Well, that's terrible.

You shouldn't have been treated like that.

Oh. Well, at least you see that.

Well, of course I do.

Oh, good. Then you'll help me?

Oh, dear, no.

Look, may-maybe you didn't understand me.

No, I understood you perfectly.

You discovered a social injustice,

and as a concerned citizen,

you've come to your government to demand some action.

Exactly.

Yeah, well, it's not gonna happen.

But that look on your face, oh, that took me back.

What was that, righteous indignation?

I used to feel like that

when I first started working here 42 years ago.

Yeah, look...

You've been in this office 42 years?

Yeah. Same desk.

Same fake plant. Same window.

- Doesn't open. None of them do. -Yeah, well...

Otherwise, we'd all jump out.

But you were saying?

Yeah, I-l told you. I...

Look, either reopen the facility

or make some arrangements to take care of these people.

And I told you, I can't help.

But you're the deputy secretary of Social Services.

It's just a title.

Oh... Damn it. Look. Listen...

you're in charge here, you're responsible.

You work for the city.

You're not listening. I can't help.

Nobody can help.

That facility

is not going to reopen, and I'll tell you why.

There is no money.

There's no money because

the federal government cut taxes,

which is all anybody seems to care about anymore.

That means less money for the state.

Which means less money for the city,

which means we had to cut services,

which means fewer cops, fewer firemen,

bad air, bad water and crappy schools,

which will turn out yet another generation of voters

who are too stupid and greedy

to think about anything else besides cutting taxes!

So don't you come in here and tell me to fix your problem,

because there's not a damn thing I can do about it!

Where did that come from?

So, uh, what I'm getting here is, you're not going to help me.

No, no.

Can't you just call the mayor?

Uh-uh.

Fire off an angry e-mail?

I don't think so.

Look, I came down here with all these people.

If I leave with nothing, I'm going to look like a jackass.

I'm sorry, I can't help you.

He's the one with the ice cream!

Make a note, will you, Margaret?

Next time I think I can change anything

or make this city a better place,

do me a favor and just shoot me.

Well, that might make this city a better place.

So, you weren't able to help those people?

Oh, I don't know.

I got a shelter in Queens to take a few,

and the rest I dropped off

on the steps of a Methodist church,

rang the bell and ran.

What's going on? Jake told me to come on over here.

- What's with all the glasses? -Jake told me to put them out.

He told us all to meet him here. It's like some big mystery.

- There he is. -Jake, come on.

- What's going on? -We're all here. What's this about?

Well, uh, I wanted to talk to you about my nana's money.

I knew it. You pissed it away on the eye surgery.

I hope the first thing you see are my tears.

Relax, the money's not gone, I put it in T-bills,

but I did keep a little bit out

to share with the people who are closest to me.

Oh, Jake, that's sweet, but it's your money.

You should keep it for yourself.

Hey, hey, let the man talk, will you?

What's in that box?

Oh, God, please don't tell me that's Nana's ashes.

Relax. Now, when I was in high school,

I worked as a busboy in this French restaurant, right?

Now, one night, this guy comes in.

He orders a $500 bottle of wine.

That was the coolest thing I ever saw.

Yep, all I could think was, "if I ever get any money,

I'm gonna see what that tastes like."

- Oh... -Oh, my God.

- That cost $500? -Wow!

Anybody curious?

You're damn right.

Yeah!

All right, who would like to do the honors?

- Oh, not me. I'd be too nervous. -Oh, no.

- Oh, give me that. -All right.

Linda, be careful.

I got it all under control.

You sure you know what you're doing there?

Please, my parents are rich alcoholics.

I can do this in my sleep.

- Oh... -Wow.

- All right. -All right, here we go.

Oh, my-

- Are we ready? -Thank you.

- In a second. -Okay.

Oh, look at that, will you?

All right.

Now, uh, my nana always said, uh,

"A man is not measured by the money in his pocket,

but by the friends at his side."

If that's true, I'm a very wealthy man.

- Oh, Jake. -Cheers.

'Cause long as you have friends you're never really alone.

- Okay. That's right. -All right.

'Cause as long as you have friends by your...

Jake!

Enjoy.

- Uh, wait, wait, wait.

I'm sorry. Th-This doesn't feel right

drinking this expensive wine with this guy sitting over here.

Huh? Oh, yeah, all right.

Let's all face this way. Here.

Oh, stop it. Now, we should share this with him. Jake?

Yeah, sure. Why not?

Excuse me, would you like some wine?

Like he's gonna say no.

All right, then, well, uh, to old friends and...?

Norman.

To old friends and Norman.

- Hear, hear. -Cheers.

Oh, that tastes awful!

Tastes like vinegar.

Demure, yet delicate and playful.